The Lazy Genius Podcast - #38: The Lazy Genius Practices Thankfulness

Episode Date: November 6, 2017

It feels right to give thanks in November, but it also feels forced and annoying sometimes. Let's get back to the basics of gratitude and actually enjoy a season of giving thanks. No daily journals of thanks necessary. Need all The Lazy Genius there is? Visiting your inbox is my favorite and might just become yours. Check out the mailing list here. This podcast is hosted by Kendra Adachi and executive produced by Kendra Adachi, Jenna Fischer and Angela Kinsey. To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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about the things that matter and lazy about the things that don't today's episode is episode 38 the lazy genius practices thankfulness i'm going to be honest if i were listening to the show and heard that title i'd be all like wamp i get so tired of having my gratefulness dictated to me especially in the month of november that says a lot more about my personal struggles than i would like to admit, but I do grow weary of what seems like a forced season of thankfulness. I would like to experience gratitude all the time. And without a lot of rules or traditions attached, I think being grateful is something we don't need to be lazy or geniuses about. I think it just is. So today in the playbook, we're going to answer the question, how do I cultivate a

personal mindset or a family culture of thankfulness that doesn't feel forced. Now, if you love practices of thankfulness, if you write in a daily gratitude journal and love how it cultivates your thought life, makes you think about those things more, do your gratitude journal. Oh my goodness. If you have a jar of questions geared towards thankfulness on your kitchen table that you open every meal and everyone loves them, answer those questions. Go for it. For me personally, and maybe for you too, though, a lot of those things feel like school. To me, they feel like school. A gratitude journal literally feels like homework to me. And rather than helping me notice what I'm thankful for, I just feel guilty when I forget a day or have a hard time

thinking of something to write down when really I just want to go to sleep. Now, please hear me. Intentional practices of gratitude are beautiful things, but they're not for everybody. And if you're not everybody, let's find a natural way to live with gratitude outside of those typical practices. because gratitude is important. Gratitude is, it is sacred. Looking beyond ourselves is a key to healthy relationships with our loved ones, with strangers, with the world as a whole.

Okay, we can't get out of this episode without looking at the actual definition of gratitude according to the dictionary, because we're smart like that. Gratitude is the quality of being thankful and a readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness. It's a posture. It's a mindset. The definition has the word readiness in it. Some people cultivate that mindset through traditions and those tangible practices, but I believe we can strengthen that posture and deepen that mindset in a way that might feel more true to how you see and move through the world.

So let's look at three times we feel grateful. If you were to gather up all of the world, you were to gather up all of the organic moments of gratitude in your life, I'm guessing they'd fall under one of these three categories. First, we feel grateful, truly, genuinely grateful when we notice something in the moment. You're driving your regular route home from work and notice a sunset or a batch of huge clouds that kind of take your breath away that make you stop whatever it is you're doing and notice. I mean, don't stop exactly whatever it is you're doing if you're driving because that would be terrible, but you know what I mean? Or you're like flopped around the living room with your kids and your oldest starts reading to your youngest and you feel like your heart is going to explode

through your sobbing eyes. Or you are in a conversation with a friend and you just feel really seen. You feel loved and accepted for who you are in that mess. And you kind of want to awkwardly tell your friend how much you love her across the Starbucks table. Those moments, those emotional swells of gratitude are such a gift. So the first category is when we notice it in the moment. Those things are not forced. Those things do not have anything that make them necessarily come out. You're just living life and you notice something that makes you really thankful. Okay, the second category is when we gain perspective. Okay, I have two quick stories for you. Both involve standing in line. A few weeks ago, I was at Ulta, buying fancy dry shampoo like you do. And,

the line was a solid 10 people long and not really moving. The three women at the checkout counter all had a ton of stuff or had developed like really friendly rapport with the Ulta employee that they were talking to. One was signing up for like a rewards program or something. It was taking a while. There was a woman a couple of folks behind me who was impatiently sighing so loudly. And it felt like she wanted everyone to know how annoyed she was. Okay, now I have a bit of a rage core.

I can, um, anger is not a hard emotion for me to access. It's like always at the surface. So on her third sigh, I turned around and looked at her. It probably was not a very nice face. Let's be honest. Mine, not hers. She, well, hers wasn't very nice either, but I kind of was asking for it and she was impatient.

She made eye contact with me and she mumbled something, but it seemed like she was embarrassed that I noticed her sighs. Even, she might have actually been a little scared of me based on my facial expression because I was so annoyed at her impatience. And I said, do you want to go in front of me? Because it seems like you're in a big hurry. Well, of course, she stopped sighing. She also probably felt like a horrible human because I treated her like one.

Not my greatest stranger moment. But I justified it as I walked to the car because that lady should be grateful. She even has money to buy fancy beauty products. and probably has a car waiting for her in the parking lot. I got really jacked up on the injustice of her attitude, and I felt like I could justify it. Okay, second story from standing in line. About a week after that, I was in the Aldi checkout line

behind a couple of other folks and two more people behind me, and there was only one register open because sometimes that's how it is. And the man at the end of the line said, why did they only have one line open? This is ridiculous. The annoyance was eking out of his pores. was the same same situation. And this time, instead of turning around and making a passive-aggressive remark,

I thought of people who in Syria, maybe right then, were waiting hours and hours for a simple bag of rice. They're starving, and they will wait gratefully as long as they have to. I could have used that perspective to shame the man in line behind me. I could have done that. but instead I chose to let it galvanize my own personal sense of gratitude. I have so much. If waiting in line for literally five minutes to buy an excess of fresh food that I did not

have to grow, I did not have to harvest. If that is my greatest logistical struggle during the day, the gratitude is overflowing. Like I should have that gratitude overflowing. Now, I'm not saying we can't be frustrated by our. our, you know, quote, unquote, first world problems. We can shed a tear when our favorite snack that we were looking forward to eat got eaten by someone else. Like, that's okay.

We can slam a cookbook close where we're just so done with our groundhog day life and can't do another dang meal plan. We can cry in our car when we literally feel crushed by the dreams we so desperately want that aren't happening. Experiencing emotion in our actual circumstances is good and right and really. I'm not saying that every sad feeling has to be tempered by starving children in Africa. That's not at all what I'm saying. But gaining perspective does help us cultivate that posture of gratitude.

Its purpose is not to make us feel shame for feeling the way that we do, but it gives us a lens that extends beyond our circumstances. It doesn't hide or diminish or eliminate our circumstances. It just extends our. our mindset past ourselves. Okay, so in line at Ulta, I was mad that this lady wasn't more in tune with things beyond herself. But I stayed within myself too. I chose to shame her to make myself feel better.

That's not gratitude. Yes, I definitely thought when I stood in that long Aldi line, I wish they had another register open. I thought the same thing the man said out loud. But I followed that normal thought, a very normal thought to think, with a broader perspective. I'm grateful that I have the advantages that I do, the resources and support system and all of those things that I take for granted. And in that line as I waited, I was cultivating a posture of gratitude. It was two very different standing in line experiences.

For me and the people in line with me, I'm sure. That woman, I feel like I should have chased her down and apologized for that because that was wrong with me to do. Aw, isn't something we need to travel for. It's something waiting for us in everyday life. whether in a city street or a moment with a work of art. I'm Dr. Keltner, host of the Science of Happiness podcast. Join me for Cities of Aw, a special series on how our public spaces

can spark awe, wonder, and enhance the quality of public life. You can find us wherever you listen to your podcasts. So the first category of when we feel gratitude is noticing in the moment. The second is gaining perspective. And the third is changing our land. language. When we change our language around gratitude, it becomes more real, I think. For example, if someone asks me, what are you thankful for? I feel automatic pressure. It feels steeped in expectation and doesn't feel genuine in a lot of ways because that phrase, what are you thankful for,

is attached to a lot of thankfulness practices that don't resonate with me at all. So that question, the simple language of that question, makes me wonky, makes me a little bit, want to rebel against it. Again, y'all are getting a real nice peek in the stuff I talked to my therapist about, so you're welcome. But I really don't think I'm the only one. Please don't me, I'm not the only one. Okay, so changing the language of gratitude can give us windows into what we really are thankful for, rather than what we're supposed to say we're thankful for. It breaks through to a deeper, more genuine part of ourselves where our true answers, our true feelings can freely come out. So I want to offer two questions that change the language of gratitude a little.

You might spend many November dinners asking your people what they're thankful for. If that sometimes feels wrote and forced, try these. First question, what is something you're really glad happened today? What is something you're really glad happened today? Second question, what feeling did you have today that you'd like to have again? Here's why I love these questions. they dig deeper into who we are. You could ask two people what they're thankful for,

and you're likely to get some version of the answer of like family or friends. If you ask those same two people what they're really glad happened that day, their perspectives are so much stronger and unique. One might be glad they spent all day with family, and the other might be glad they got an entire day alone so they could come back to their family refreshed. Both people are thankful for their families, but the perspective is unique,

and personal. The same goes for that second question. What feeling did you have today that you'd like to have again? We all have different feelings. We all have different attitudes towards those feelings. I already said I don't mind anger. I don't mind anger. I don't mind talking about hard things with people where we could differ on what we think.

Obviously, I do not have to say that not everyone feels the way that I do about that. We all tick differently. And asking questions that cultivate gratitude but also help us recognize. who we are as individuals really, really excites me. That is a practice of thankfulness that I resonate with, that I can really get behind that. And you know what else I love about these questions? They leave room for tough answers. Sometimes we are grateful for hard things. Sometimes we're glad we had that difficult conversation with our spouse because now we're more deeply connected and understand each other better. Hard circumstances, difficult, unwieldy emotions.

don't have to be exempt from a conversation around gratitude. They deepen it. They help us have empathy. When we're open about how difficulty can shape us into kinder, more thoughtful, more self-aware people, a gift that is. What a gift I want to give to my kids that they know that just because things are hard

and didn't go their way or their heart is broken over something, they don't have to hide from that and see it only as a negative. I have been realizing in recent weeks and I've talked to a lot of friends about how we don't always have we don't always do a great job of mourning, of grieving, of holding grief. We move out of hard things really quickly and often don't notice the good in them, not just the good from them, but the good in them, the good that exists alongside the difficult. I think cultivating a new language of gratitude, new questions around gratitude, can really transform and deepen a posture of thankfulness. So here is my encouragement to all of us.

Let's start naming these moments of gratitude in the moment. When you're struck by something beautiful or meaningful in your everyday life, name it. Give it a moment and name it. Name the frustrations you have or hear others having. name them and then wrap them in a gentle perspective a broader perspective don't shame yourself or anyone else for getting tunnel vision about their own lives we we all do it all the time but also see that frustration as a chance to develop a posture a readiness that shows appreciation and kindness in our gratitude and if the traditional idea of thankfulness has lost all significance to you

name it something else get back to the essence of gratitude and what you it means in your life. Okay, so again, those two questions. You can write them down and stick them on the fridge, type them into your notes app on your phone real quick, but consider inviting them into your regular conversation to encourage a deeper, more personal sense of gratitude. What is something you're really glad happened today?

And what feeling did you have today that you'd like to have again? I hope that this Thanksgiving season, at least for those of us in America, is the start of a new posture, a new way of seeing. And fortunately, it doesn't have to stop or start in November. You know, yes, I am very in touch with my anger, but I also deep down am kind of a Pollyanna, and I truly believe that if we would all cultivate a deeper sense of gratitude

and consequently empathy for others and what they're grateful for, the world really would be a better place. And now cue all the sappy music. Feels like a good spot for that. Okay, so before we go, it's time for the lazy genius tip of the week. Flower sack towels. Guys, flower sack towels are the only kitchen towel you will ever need.

They are beautiful. They get more beautiful every time you wash them. They're thin and huge, but super, super absorbent. They go with any kitchen decor because most of them are white. They can dry dishes. wipe up messes. They can clean your hands. They're big enough to like stay on your shoulder as like a makeshift apron if you need it while you're cooking. I love them with all my heart. And I want to save you the trouble of buying all the dish towels that don't follow all the rules that you need them to in the kitchen,

that don't do all the uses that you wish they did. Buy flour sack towels and have all your problem solved. I will put a link in the show notes in case you're wondering what I'm talking about. the lazy genius collective.com slash lazy slash thankful. And speaking of thankful, y'all have been the best at leaving comments on Apple Podcasts in the last like a couple of weeks. One of my favorites, just because this is seriously my hope for everyone who listens,

comes from Nichelle 182. She writes, this is by far my favorite podcast. Thank you, Nichelle. As a busy working mom who dreams of a beautiful home, home, homemade meals, spending quality time with my children, and creating a business of my own, her take, her being me, obviously, I don't need to tell you that, her take on simplifying the must-dos to make room for the want-to's is just amazing. She wrote, amazing, like, amazing, which makes me

really happy. That is not my commentary. That is her. So, Nichelle 182 and all the other folks who have left reviews, I'm so grateful to hear your encouragement, and I'm also grateful for your words in those reviews to help direct others and deciding if the show is right for them or not. Because not every podcast is right for everybody. Being a lazy genius might be, might not be for everybody. And so it's really helpful that you guys actually say what the show is about from your perspective. It's just really helpful and also really kind. So thank you so much for doing that, you guys, if you have, you guys are the best. You're so awesome. Okay, that is going to do it for episode 38. I will be on Instagram at the lazy genius this Thursday,

12-15 Eastern. I am every Thursday after each podcast airs. So come and say hi. And we'll talk about gratitude. And remember, be a genius about the things that matter and lazy about the things that don't. See you next time. Have you ever felt like you were living just a B or B plus life? It's so dangerous to live that more dangerous than a B minus or a C plus life because when you're living a B or B plus life, you don't change it. You think it's good enough. Is it? I'm Susie Welch. I host a podcast called Becoming You. People think, okay, an A-plus life is not available to me, but there is a way. We are all in the process of becoming ourselves.

Listen to Becoming You wherever you get your podcasts.