The Lazy Genius Podcast - #390 - How to Make Decisions with a Big Group

Episode Date: November 4, 2024

My guess is you come across these fairly often but most certainly this time of year. Making decisions with a big group usually starts with someone in that group asking “what are we going to do about [fill in the blank]?” And the decision fatigue and task paralysis begin. So whether that’s you and your in-laws with the Thanksgiving split, you and friends with your annual holiday party, or you and your immediate family with gift giving, I think this episode will be helpful. Helpful Companion Links Order my new book The PLAN or ask your library to consider carrying a copy. Some episodes from the archive you might find helpful this week: #258 - The Seven Kinds of Rest and How to Know Which One You Need, #235 - When You Disagree on What Matters, #182 - Loving People You Disagree With Sign up for the Latest Lazy Listens email. Grab a copy of my book The Lazy Genius Kitchen or The Lazy Genius Way! (Affiliate links) Download a transcript of this episode. To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Love the way. Hey there. You're listening to the lazy genius podcast. I'm Kendra Adachi. And I'm here to help you be a genius about the things that matter and lazy about the things that don't. Today is episode 390. How to make decisions with a big group. My guess is you come across these fairly often, but most certainly this time of year.

Making decisions with a big group, it usually starts with someone in that group asking, what are we going to do about fill in the blank? And the decision fatigue and the task paralysis begin. So whether that's you and your in-laws with the Thanksgiving split, you and friends with your annual holiday party, or you and your immediate family with gift giving, I think this episode will be helpful. I have an order of operations for you to make decisions with a big group. So let's jump right in.

There's a reason we have to sometimes make decisions as a big group. In fact, there are three reasons. Your situation could include all three, but I think it's good to name them so you can easily identify what decisions do, in fact, need some group attention. You will likely need to make a decision with a big group when there's no single person. in charge, when there's not a tradition or repeated decision already in place, or when individual input matters. Okay? So there's no single person in charge. There's not a tradition or repeated decision already in place, and individual input matters. So let's break those three down real quick.

First, if there is no single person in charge, you'll likely have to make a decision with a big group. If it's Thanksgiving and your parents always hosted with your mom being in charge, but now she's sick or she even passed away since last Thanksgiving, that shifts the dynamic of those kinds of decisions a lot, right? Sometimes we're suddenly in a situation where the leader of the decision is gone, often for pretty heartbreaking reasons. I know everyone is reeling, wondering who's going to take the reins. or you feel like everyone is reeling and you're like, why is everyone reeling? And it's because you haven't named that your leader is gone. Now, maybe no one has to take the reins.

But if someone isn't already in charge, you're likely going to have to incorporate the big group at some point. Okay. Second, if there is not already a tradition or repeated decision in place, you're likely going to have to make a decision with a big group. That's the beauty of decide once, right? decide that every year we do gifts this way or this person host Thanksgiving or we always celebrate Christmas or Hanukkah or Kwanza or any winter holiday on this day with these people. Or we flip

Thanksgiving and Christmas with the in-laws every other year. Those kinds of decisions do make life a little easier because you know what's happening. You don't have to ask what are we doing about such and such this year. You already know. But not everything has or needs a tradition or repeated decision. Maybe it's nice to share the hosting load, to pay attention to the financial restrictions of family members from year to year, or to just like stay creative with however you're doing something. So the answer here isn't to necessarily make a decision that sticks. Just notice that one of the reasons you're asking, what are we going to do about this this year, is because you usually do something different. And that's okay. But it does require some forethought and decision.

by everyone in the group. And then the third reason you're likely asking the question, what are we going to do about this this year, is because individual input matters. You don't want to just assume that the way you've always done it is the way it has to be done. You want to include new members of your family, whether it's kids who are getting older or new partners or in-laws. You might want to stay nimble, especially during the holidays, because everyone has such different priorities of what matters. So if you're someone or in a family or friend group with someone who's always wanting to make sure that everyone is listened to, that's beautiful. And also it makes it hard to just lock in a decision, right? That's a great tradeoff, though.

So don't feel the need to make a decision for everyone all at once. Involving everyone is awesome. It just requires a little extra effort. So to recap, the three reasons why you're likely asking, what are we going to do this year about? whatever thing it is is because there's no single person in charge already telling you there isn't a tradition or decision already in place or you care about individual input right for whatever it is you're making a decision about now i know those three things might be kind of obvious but there's something to me that is super clarifying about understanding why i'm feeling a little scrambling around

stuff oh it's because we don't do the same thing every year because individual input matters got it For example, in my family with my siblings, we make different decisions every year about Christmas gifts. As the cousins get older, as priorities change, as budgets shift, we make different decisions every year. That's fine. There's nothing wrong with having to make a new decision every year, you guys. Some things just don't have one person in charge. They don't have a standard way of doing something. They might not have any individual input. Knowing that your decision might not have one of those things, it could make the process feel a little easier. Okay, so now that we've named why we have to make decisions with big groups at all, let's walk through a process of how to do it with like a little bit

more ease and kindness and intention. Let's go back to that first initial question. What are we going to do about this thing this year? Chances are you're the person doing the asking because people who listen to the show and read my books are often, not always, but often the default decision makers or project managers and their families and friend groups and communities. You're very competent, everyone, and competent people, especially women, end up doing a lot. So if you're the one asking the group, that initial question of, what are we going to do about first? Before you do that, see if you can name if the thing is a decision or a project. Okay, a decision or a project. A decision is one thing that has to be decided. A project has a lot of

decisions and tasks within it. Okay. So let's break that down because each answer has a slightly different path. All right. So let's start with a decision. What are we going to do about gifts this year? That's a decision. That's a group decision. It's not a group project. Now getting those gifts is your own individual project because all the pieces and parts. But as far as the group goes, The group does not need to do anything beyond making the decision of how to approach gifts. Does that make sense? Okay, so here's a short framework of how you can make a group decision. First, recognize that for a decision, no leader is necessary.

You don't have to have a leader to make a decision. Remember how not having someone in charge is one of the reasons why you need to make group decisions at all. Well, most likely, you still don't need one for a decision. you might need someone to bring it up. You know, again, that's probably you. But you're not necessarily the decision maker. You're just the decision reminder.

So go ahead and name that probably no one needs to be in charge here. Don't stress out about that. That doesn't matter. Okay. Next, ask the group. Ask the group. Hey, is there anything about this thing that you want to keep or you want to do? You know, you're essentially asking everyone matters most of them.

Or depending on the decision, you're making, it might make sense to start by offering up some ideas that encompass different priorities and then asking everyone to chime in. Because it may be that whatever the decision is, if you're like, what matters do you most about this? Your brother's like, what are you talking about? So maybe you can offer like, okay, here's some options. What do we think? What's everybody's vote? For example, I legit, in the middle of this episode, I took a minute just now and I texted my siblings about Christmas gifts this year because I we haven't no one's asked yet hey what are we going to do about gifts this year and we need to decide so and I I tend to be the decision reminder in my family

so I texted them all just now and I said hey what are we doing about gifts this year here are some ideas okay then I shared some ideas that include like thoughtful individual gifts some idea like there's one idea that took budget more into account there's another idea that was more about ease right? That one was basically like, we could do one gift per family. Like every family gives the other family a favorite game. It's not like individuals because there's a lot of humans in the family. So I gave all these choices. There's like four of them. Then I said, okay, holler back with any favorites, vetoes or alternatives. Done. Okay. I'm not making everyone start from scratch. I'm just proposing a couple of ideas that do include certain gift-giving priorities and now the group can just choose

what they want. Okay. And that's the next step. After asking in some way, what matters to everybody? Then you as the decision reminder or someone else in the group text or whatever, you synthesize those priorities into one approach or you just like pick the one that has the most votes, you know? All you need is the group to sign off on it. Now sometimes the group doesn't care enough about a particular thing. For my siblings, we really do like giving gifts to each other, but how we do it is kind of unimportant. Like any idea is kind of great, which is why I suggested a couple of ideas to make the synthesis easier. Like I went ahead and pre-synthesized some things. Now, if they don't respond in a couple of weeks and we don't yet have a decision, all I have to do is ping that text again and give it like a,

like a kind deadline, you know, and assuming that no one has any strong feelings, I can be like, hey, y'all, I'm going shopping soon. It would be great to know what we're doing about gifts. Like, unless anybody's got an idea you're really into, like, what do you think about us doing this one? And then just like offer up that idea and wait for the thumbs-ups to come in, you know? So name of the group thing is a decision. Is it a decision?

Don't feel the pressure to have anybody in charge of it. Just ask the group if anybody has any particular priorities they want to include or you can just offer up some options. to make it simpler. You can either synthesize those priorities into one approach, or you can just choose the one that has the most votes, and then just have the group sign off on it, right? Cool.

If you are worried about that synthesis step, you know, hopefully everyone in your group has a reasonable amount of compassion for each other and can see in the text thread or the conversation what matters to each person. Pro tip, this is why it's good to have a group conversation. rather than like one person collecting thoughts from every individual, because everyone gets to see what matters to everyone, rather than one person being the holder of all the priorities and then feeling a responsibility of that. Okay. So all of this is under, you know, reasonably ideal circumstances. So adjust as you need to based on your own situation. Okay. Now, let's get into the

trickier part. Let's get into a project. Aw, isn't something we need to travel for. It's something waiting for us in everyday life, whether in a city street or a moment with a work of art. I'm Dr. Keltner, host of the Science of Happiness podcast. Join me for Cities of Aw. A special series on how our public spaces can spark awe, wonder, and enhance the quality of public life. You can find us wherever you listen to your podcasts. Okay, what if it's a project? What if a group needs to decide something that is actually many some things. That's where things do get a little trickier. Decisions are much easier. So, but we can do this. All right. So how are we celebrating Thanksgiving this year? That is likely a project, right?

There is a location. There is food who's invited. What day you're actually going to do it? Because you have to consider like all the different members of your families in-laws. You know, everybody's got all the double families. Also, Thanksgiving for your people. It's, It might not just be a meal, but an entire day or even an entire weekend. You're traveling, right? If you don't have anyone in charge, if you don't have any traditions or decisions already in place, and if you don't take into account individual input, Thanksgiving could get hairy pretty quickly.

So what is our process here? Just because of the timing, I think we're going to use Thanksgiving as a, like as an example from here on out, okay? since what your family is doing for Thanksgiving is a project and not just a decision, it probably does need a captain. It needs a group project leader, right? It needs someone in charge to make sure all the pieces are in place. That person is most likely the host, but not always. Okay. Now, I want to speak to three different scenarios when it comes to projects like gatherings and vacations, like these big group decision projects.

that involve a leader, okay? I want you to remember these three things. First, your leader might have recently passed away. That is so hard, and I'm so sorry. So on top of grief of losing that person, you're also dealing with the grief and disjointed feelings of holidays or gatherings without that person at the helm. You never realized how much your mom or your grandpa were so integral in Thanksgiving.

or any other thing, right? If your leader has recently passed away, the way your people discuss whose hosting Thanksgiving will be different because there is grief woven through all of it. So if that's you, I want you to, I want you to honor that, okay? The second scenario you might be facing is that the usual leader wants a break or needs a break, but is afraid to say they need a break. This happened a couple of years ago with my husband's side of the family. My mother-in-law is a delight and a lovely cook and she loves to host, but she's getting old. Plus, a couple of years ago, there were some big health issues in the family, and she was just worn out from caring for her family. My family and my in-laws all live in Greensboro. Okay. So my brother-in-law's family comes down

from D.C. Everything's giving. They do the flip thing where they spend Christmas at their home, or with my sister-in-law's parents. It's kind of one of those like choose-your-holiday scenarios. But for years and years, the Adachis have always been together for Thanksgiving. Okay. All together, it's 13 people, all of whom are big eaters. And like it's pretty much all on my mother-in-law for years. Also for years, I've been asking her if she'd like me to host to help take the load off.

And for years, her only answer for me was to bring a salad. Now, I make a killer's fall salad, you guys. It is always the hit at the table, which cracks me up. And before you ask for the recipe, there is not one. I don't know. It's usually just like a bunch of fall things. It's like roasted sweet potatoes, apples, bacon, dried cranberries, goat cheese, pumpkin seeds, Brussels sprouts, kale, you know.

And then it's like a tart, lemony dressing situation. I don't know. I just make it up every time. It's always so good. But again, for years, it's the only thing my mother-in-law would ask me to do. she didn't she didn't want to put anybody out and she also considers it kind of her duty to host and cook Thanksgiving for her family well like I said a couple of years ago it just was not something she could do so Kaz and I kind of bossed her you know we said like hey it's not forever but for this

year I think we really need to host I assured her that I would love it that I love cooking I love hosting that I couldn't wait to cook for her that we'd be just fine and I am now about to host my third Thanksgiving, and I couldn't be happier. Like, I think I'm now the default Thanksgiving host, and I'm great with that. I knew my mother-in-law needed a break. I knew it. And in that break, she could decide if hosting was as important to her or as doable as she thought. Now, I make a great Thanksgiving spread. I was joyful doing it so she didn't feel bad. And this year, just a couple weeks ago when I asked her, I was like, hey, do you want me to have Thanksgiving this year? I didn't even have to convince her. She was just like, yes, please.

Sometimes the leader needs a break. It doesn't have to be forever, but you might be a great person to offer one. And the third scenario is if you are that person and you need a break. You might be the default leader for Thanksgiving or family vacation planning or your annual girls weekend. And you really need a break from doing it. That can also be hard. for folks who don't normally head something like that up, they don't know all the time and energy and often money that goes into being the leader for the big group affair, right?

You could have just come out of a really tough season and you're exhausted. And the thought of managing the details for yet another Thanksgiving makes you want to cry. So what do you do then? Because a group project, it needs a leader. You can ask someone else specifically to take the rains this year. That's easy enough, right? Or if you're in a group,

it doesn't have like a lot of rain takers, you can communicate to your group early on that you're happy to host or lead whatever the group project is this year. But because of other things happening during the season, it's going to look different than other years, maybe even a lot different. You can lovingly invite anyone who cares about it, being the the way it usually is to take the reins. You can also ask everyone for one thing they want to still have happen and see if you have the capacity to make sure that just those things happen and everything else gets done a lazy way, you know, be a genius about the things that matter, right? But if you are that leader who needs a break, either ask for one or create one yourself

by shifting the expectations of the group. Okay. Now, we're regardless of your leadership situation, from a practical standpoint, it's really helpful to have one point person for a big group project like this. You can do, you know, decision by committee, but unless your family has really good communication skills, that could get gross. Ultimately, a group project needs a group leader. Not a boss, not a decider, a leader. Someone who is taking on the responsibility, not of doing everything, but of just making sure it gets done. what a great thing if that leader is someone who is kind and listens to the input of others too, but we can't always be picky, I suppose. Okay, so name a leader slash host slash someone who's in

charge. Okay. Next, ask the group, what's everyone's top three favorite things about this? Okay, maybe it's maybe it's Thanksgiving foods. It could be activities you do on a family vacation, places you want to go on your girls trip. Ask everyone for their top three priorities and whatever it is you're doing, okay? Asking for the top three instead of like one, instead of your absolute favorite, it gives space to hit something for everyone. It's also often easier for folks to name three favorite things versus just one favorite thing.

So three just takes some pressure off. I would also suggest asking for everyone's top three in a group conversation or group text so that everyone else can see everyone's priorities. You know, they're not hidden. It's fun. And it helps people be compassionate. it when they see all the variety of favorite things that you or the leader are trying to include, right?

Okay. So now that you have the priorities, it's time to make some decisions. So I want you to start with why. Why are you gathering? What's the purpose? That's helpful for everyone, but especially for whoever is leading. Some of them are easy. It's like, well, we're getting together for Thanksgiving.

But you could even add another layer to that if you want. Like why this particular Thanksgiving are we getting together? Is there something that we're marking that we want to remember? Like, you can add some dimension to that why. But be sure you're naming. Like, why are we getting together? What are we doing? What's this about?

Then move on to the tangible details. The what, when, where, and who. Okay? What are you doing? When are you doing it? Where is it happening? And who is invited? The how is last.

The how is last. But often how is where we start. It's kind of like how we organize before we essentialize, right? If you organize things that don't matter, you're just wasting, you're just wasting your time. Same thing with this kind of big group gathering or decision. You might ask, well, how are we going to fit everybody? Like, how are we going to feed everybody? How are we going to even figure out a way to decide something that works for everybody?

That is not first. That's not first. Asking what matters to everyone and naming why you're gathering in the first place, it will help direct the details of what, when, where, and who, and then you work out how. Then you work out how. The leader can spearhead the how. It doesn't mean you do everything. It just means you help get it done.

So from there, you're going to categorize, you're going to delegate, and you're going to follow up on whatever tasks need to happen to take the family vacation or gather for Thanksgiving weekend or host the neighborhood winter party or whatever. Categorize, delegate, and follow up. And we're not going to keep going because that's a million different things, right? That's a different podcast episode. Right now we're trying to figure out how to make a decision with a big group. Okay. So let's recap. You are most likely in the situation of asking, what are we going to do about this?

Because there is no single person in charge. There aren't traditions or decisions that are already made. And there's a desire to include the individual input from the group members. Okay. once you name where you are and all of that, name if the thing in front of you is a decision or a project. If it's a decision, there's no need to have a leader. Just ask what matters to everybody. You can offer up some options, synthesize the priorities or take the highest vote and you just get the group to sign off. This is what we're doing. Cool. Done. That's usually a text exchange over a

couple of days and then you're good to go. If you're dealing with a project where there are multiple decisions and tasks, such as getting together for a holiday weekend or vacation, designate a leader. Be compassionate if the usual leader is no longer there. Be aware if the usual leader is tired and needs a break and be empowered to ask for your own break if you are the leader. From there, ask everyone what their top three priorities are. Synthesize those as best as you can. and then name why you're getting together or doing whatever it is you're doing in the first place, right? Once you know your why, start with the logistics.

Start with what, when, where, and who. And then you or the leader can categorize, delegate, and follow up on the how. I could do four different episodes on some of the nuances of all of this, like planning a group vacation, planning a family trip with kids, how to plan when the family dynamic is tough, had to not be the default leader all the time. There's like a lot of nuance to this kind of thing. And there's no way I could ever address it here. This is already a slightly longer episode than normal.

But for now, this is a framework to help you think through the decisions in a helpful, kind, slightly easier order. And that's how to make decisions with a big group. All right, before we go, let's celebrate the lazy genius of the week. This week, it's Jesse Roush. Jesse writes, I'm an American mom. living in Switzerland with my four kids, dog, and husband. We sometimes have out-of-town guests who want to explore Switzerland while visiting us. While I absolutely love hosting our visitors,

there's always the pressure of managing our regular routines, entertaining guests, and playing tour guide. Meals can be particularly stressful. This year, after listening to your podcast, I implemented the breakfast menu board. It includes what items or simple recipes are available for breakfast, as well as a time guide, approximately how many minutes each item will take to prepare. I make large batches of pumpkin muffins. That recipe's on the website. It's so good. Pumpkin muffins, banana muffins, french toast and egg bites, both vegetarian and bacon and cheese. All of these can be frozen and reheated in minutes. This adds to our normal repertoire of cereal, oatmeal, cheese, seed pudding, and eggs and toast. Now, when the kids ask, what's for breakfast,

I calmly point to the board. And I never have to strike. us out about what to feed our guests in the morning. So this is a great idea for anyone who grows weary of the, you know, daily breakfast or lunch or any meal, grind, not just those who live in Switzerland. Jesse's absolutely right. Meals are tough when life is steady. But when we add something new, even something we really love, like guests are, you know, seasonal commitments that take up more time and energy, those regular tasks like making breakfast, they feel even harder. Batching breakfast foods is one way to lazy genius this. I love putting it on a board, you know, that's always in a place for the people who are in your house all the time or just for a little while to be able to see. I also really

love Jesse. Jesse was thinking like, oh, when people come, like it could be really overwhelmed when people come. Do you see what she did? She made the problem smaller. She just focused on breakfast. Not everything. Like, what a gift. This is a great idea. So thanks for sharing Jesse. And congratulations on being the lazy genius of the week. This episode is hosted by me, Kendra Adachi, an executive produced by Kendra Adachi, Jenna Fisher, and Angela Kinsey. The lazy genius podcast is enthusiastically part of the Office Ladies Network. Special thanks to Leah Jarvis for weekly production. If you'd like a recap of these episodes every other week, you can subscribe to the latest lazy listens email at the lazy genius collective.com slash listens. And on the website, you'll find information about my three books,

This podcast, the monthly newsletter, and fun products and merch too. Thanks y'all for listening, and until next time, be a genius about the things that matter and lazy about the things that don't. I'm Kendra. I'll see you next week. You ever felt like you were living just a B or B plus life? It's so dangerous to live that. More dangerous than a B minus or a C plus life?

Because when you're living a B or B plus life, you don't change it. You think it's good enough. Is it? I'm Susie Welch. I host a podcast called Becoming You. People think, okay, an A-plus life is not available to me, but there is a way. We are all in the process of becoming ourselves. Listen to Becoming You wherever you get your podcasts.