The Lazy Genius Podcast - #409 - How to Parent When Your Kid Is Annoying

Episode Date: March 17, 2025

Kids are wonderful. Kids are also annoying. Parenting asks us to love them while they push our buttons, and if we don’t think ahead, we might react in ways we regret. In this episode, three things to remember when your kid is driving you up a wall, plus seven common frustration points and how to handle them with a little more intention. Not a parent? No pressure to listen! But if you need a different episode today, Episode 302: The Lazy Genius Guide to Basketball is here to help you survive March Madness. Helpful Companion Links Order my new book The PLAN or ask your library to consider carrying a copy. Episode 216: Navigating Siblings Who Fight Join the mailing list to receive the Latest Lazy Letter on the first Wednesday of every month! Sign up for the Latest Lazy Listens email. Grab a copy of my book The Lazy Genius Kitchen or The Lazy Genius Way! (Affiliate links) Download a transcript of this episode. To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Hey there. You're listening to the lazy genius podcast. I'm Kendra Adachi, and I'm here to help you be a genius about the things that matter and lazy about the things that don't. Today is episode 409. How to Parent When Your Kid is Annoy. Let's lay the groundwork right away. Kids can be annoying. Parenting can be annoying. I think that's universally agreed upon. Is it that way all the time? No. Are annoying kids? Horrible people? Not even close. Is this a judgment? Is this episode going to be a judgment on anyone's child or their behavior? Very much not. I think most of you know me and my vibe well enough at this point to know that this will not be like a like a kid bashing episode. No. Kids are delightful. I am obsessing. with mine, but parenting sometimes has the unique challenge of loving these humans while at the same time having them drive is crazy. And I know for me that if I don't intentionally think about

how I want to parent when my kids are driving me crazy, then I will be way more mean than I ever want to be. And I will have to repair a lot more often. Repair is good. It will always happen no matter how hard you try. But I don't always want to depend on repairs. The default. I would like to be thoughtful whenever I can. So today I'm going to share three things to remember about parenting when your kid is annoying. And then we're going to talk about seven scenarios, so to speak, where you might typically encounter the annoyance and then what we might want to adjust about those scenarios. So like a little reframe, a little practice. Now real quick, if you're not a parent, this is obviously not an episode that is geared toward you. We rarely

do like just kid-centric episodes. So thanks for being cool with this one. I do think that there are some good relational tools in this episode regardless, but obviously there's no pressure to listen because I mean, everybody's annoying. But if you still want a lazy genius episode today and you don't want to listen to this one and you don't want to search like a new one out yourself, I'm here to remind you that it is March and the NCAA tournament starts this week. And so you might live with people or work with people. who are talking about basketball a lot and you're like, what is happening? What is, how does this, what is going on with this game?

I have an episode for you, episode 302, The Lazy Genius Guide to Basketball. So that might be a really lovely thing for you to listen to today. Okay. Now, first as we get into this episode, let's remind ourselves of a few important things when it comes to parenting when a kid is annoying. First, parents are annoying too. This is an essential place to begin, everyone. Parents are also annoying.

We are annoying. Think about when you were a kid. Dude, our parents were definitely annoying. You are annoying. I am annoying. It is the way of things. And I think the sooner we acknowledge that, the more compassion that we will immediately have for our kids.

Second thing to remember, it's not that kids are annoying, even though that's the name of the episode. It's that you're annoyed by whatever it is they're saying or doing. They're not inherently annoying. A person is not inherently annoying. A person is annoyed by another person's behavior. That's why you can be around a large group of people and you might find one kid's behavior annoying and another adult right next to you does not.

Or the other way around. Annoyance is in the eye of the beholder, which in some ways is encouraging. It's really about managing expectations, which is our third reminder. annoyance comes from expectations. Think about when you're annoyed. It's likely because something is happening that you did not expect or that you didn't want to happen. And really, that management is what the rest of this episode is about.

So as we get into this, remember that we can be annoying to our kids, just like they are sometimes annoying to us. And remember that annoyance really doesn't start with the person doing the behavior. It's in the eye of the beholder. often connected to our expectations. I think those reminders on their own are hugely helpful in making us more patient, kinder parents. It's not just an us versus them situation. In fact, it's mostly in us situation. We're feeling annoyed and we're not paying attention to managing our expectations or communicating those expectations with our kids in loving ways. We're just like on edge. So maybe this

framework alone is going to help soften some edges. But now let's talk about some specifics. If we're just trying to not be annoyed in one fell swoop, it might not work so well. You know, big problems and all that. We need to be specific about the types of situations where we might experience unmet expectations or have things happen with our kids that we don't want. And from there, look at how we might exist in that situation with more kindness and intention. today I've got seven. First, you might be annoyed when your kid is just enjoying themselves. I don't mean you're annoyed that they are enjoying themselves.

You are annoyed by whatever it is they're doing. For example, in a wild, wild twist of irony, I am working on this episode on a day when my oldest has a remote learning day. And he is currently playing the mellophone, which is basically the French horn for marching bands at full volume in his room. Even with doors closed, It still sounds like he's right next to me. It's so loud.

It's been so loud today. It's not terribly melodious or pleasant to listen to either. But he's having a great time. Am I annoyed by it? I am. Is he being annoying? Not at all. He's just enjoying himself.

If my level of annoyance is the only piece of information I consider, I will stay. annoyed. Sam will be the problem. But he's literally not being a problem. He's just playing an instrument loudly. Now, am I trying to work? Yes. Am I trying to keep this headache I have from getting worse? Yes. But I can adjust what I'm doing. I can put on headphones and white noise. I can take an ibuprofen. I can go to my office. I could ask him to take a break from playing. And that wouldn't be a terrible ask. But if I ask him to stop playing, especially with a voice of annoyance, like Sam, dude, can you please not play so loud? That communicates that his enjoyment is in my way.

There's literally no reason he needs to stop unless I give him a specific one in a kind way. For example, right now I'm recording. You guys don't need to hear a mellophone while I'm recording. And even though I record in my office, you can still hear him playing through drywall and brick. It is so loud. So I say to him, hey, bud, I need to get this episode done. Can you stop playing for like about an hour? And I'm a focus and then I'll let you know if I finished before then. I've done that many times, many times.

That is a very different vibe than just being annoyed at a kid who's doing something they enjoy that happens to be loud or, you know, messy or whatever. So if you're annoyed with your kid, ask yourself what's really going on. Are they just having a good time and how they're having a good? good time is interfering with your good time, that's okay. Just be honest about it. Just be honest. Be patient with them if you need to. Ask them to be patient with you while you finish whatever it is you need to do or while you recover from the headache or whatever. But chances are if you name that your kid is just enjoying themselves, it helps you have more patience and it takes the edge off the

annoyance a little bit. Want to go electric without sacrificing fun? That's the Volkswagen ID4. All-electric and thoughtfully designed to elevate your modern lifestyle. The Volkswagen ID-4 is fun to drive with instant acceleration that makes city streets feel like open roads. Plus a refined interior with innovative technology always at your fingertips. The all-electric ID4, you deserve more fun. Visit vw.ca to learn more. S-UVW, German engineered for all.

Aw, isn't something we need to travel for. It's something waiting for. us in everyday life, whether in a city street or a moment with a work of art. I'm Dr. Keltner, host of the Science of Happiness podcast. Join me for Cities of Aw, a special series on how our public spaces can spark awe, wonder, and enhance the quality of public life. You can find us wherever you listen to your podcasts. The second scenario that might have us feeling annoyed is volume and or mess. Y'all, kids are just loud. messy. Like not all the time and not every kid. And honestly, there's nothing wrong with that even if they

are. It's just like a neutral fact that most of us can agree upon. Most kids at some point are loud and or messy. And as their parents, we get hit with the brunt of it. How can you kindly parent in that situation when you're annoyed by the volume or the mass? One of the best ways, I think, to shape your response is remembering that you, You are the one annoyed by a kid's volume, not that the kid is loud and therefore wrong. If kids are in your house and being super loud and you're overstimulated, your understandable responses to get them to be quiet. I totally got that and have done it.

It's like, bring it down. Stop yelling. That mail phone was so loud. Can it be quieter? You know. But it's not always that the volume itself needs to change. Your proximity to the volume needs to change. This is why we send loud kids outside.

Or we go outside ourselves or to a different room or something. The volume isn't necessarily the problem. Our proximity to it is. That is also a compassionate way of looking at noise. You are annoyed by the noise. So you need some space from it. You can get it in a handful of ways, but yelling at the kids to be quiet is probably the least effective for everyone.

They're like, why? And then you're stuck managing their noise. Now, I realize that there are some situations that do not make this easy. Maybe you have a smaller home with less space to escape. Or like, you live in an apartment building without a yard. You know, you can't just send kids out to the street. Maybe you're simply home all the time with tiny kids. kids and volume and mess are just part of the deal. And so separation from it feels futile.

In those cases, I wonder if a house rule might work. Create some type of boundary for the volume and the mess in seasons where you feel like it's always there. So if kids are always home because they're not in school yet, because they're little, or it's the summer, they're not in school because they are school aged, but at summertime, create quiet hours. Like every day, have a stretch of time where quiet is the rule. So between this time and this time, we're not going to yell or shall or be above like library volume. That's to help us all reset and enjoy a little quiet, even if not everybody wants the quiet the same amount. It doesn't even have to be alone time, although it can be. It's just like, I don't know, whisper time or reading time or room time or

whatever, whatever works for your family. Having something regular to give you a break from the noise, not necessarily the noise makers. It's like a speed bump for your annoyance. It slows it down. Mess, I think, is similar. If volume is the auditory detritus from kids being kids, mess is the actual physical detritus. Kids just leave stuff everywhere.

Rather than constantly be annoyed by it, which I am, you can create a house rule to have distance from it or rhythms to help abate it. So having distance might look like keeping one room designated as like a main playroom where a mess is expected. And did you catch that? There is an expectation that a certain room stays relatively messy from play. And that changes everything, right? Or it could be the opposite. Like no big toy things in this room. You know, like this room is more off limits for toys or whatever, whatever you want. or you can create distance from that mess on a regular basis by having rhythms that keep the mess

at bay. We love an afternoon tidy. Oh my goodness. It's my favorite. Since my kids were super young, we tidy the L. The L is our open living room kitchen space that's shaped like an L. That's where we tidy because that's primarily where I live. When that space is tidy, I feel less annoyed.

The rest of my family does not get annoyed by mess the way I do. or even see mess the way that I see it. So having a rhythm of tidying the L before we start anything fun or we transition to something else or whatever at the end of the day, it is hugely helpful for me. So hopefully something in that perspective keeps you from being overwhelmed by volume and mess and constantly annoyed by it. Okay, so that's volume and mess. The third place that we might get annoyed with our kids is when they whine or complain.

This is where I break the fastest. I have little to no tolerance for whiny kids, whereas like a friend of mine barely flinches. Barely flinches. She doesn't condone complaining and whining. I mean, she's not like, sure, whatever. Wine and complain. But like it doesn't emotionally bother her the way it does me. Like even the way I'm speaking about right now, annoyed.

Oh my gosh, it drives me nuts. Complaining kids drive me nuts. Again, annoyance is in the eye of the beholder. We're all annoyed by different things. And since I'm very annoyed by complaining, I am like, I'm not brimming with advice on this one. But I do think the most powerful tool that I have in my own personal complaining kid toolbox is validation. I understand not wanting to do something.

I understand being annoyed by responsibility. I get it. It takes a lot of effort for me to do things I don't want to do with a joyful attitude, which is what I seem to expect for my children. why would I expect that from my kids that they would have an easy time with that when it's really hard for me. So when it's time to tidy the L or to do something that a kid doesn't want to do and one of the kids complains and like collapses and it's just so put upon, I say, I know, I don't like this either. I don't like doing chores either. I don't like fill in the blank either.

There are plenty of other things that we both would rather be doing. I get it. But sometimes we've got to be a team and we got to take care of stuff. Or we got to just like be responsible and do the hard thing real quick. Get out of the way. And we're going to do it no matter how much you complain. So you can decide how much you want to enjoy this or hate it. And then I take deep breaths and I hope that they don't choose the hating it and that they spend the next however long whining.

But it helps to remember that we're all kind of in the same boat on motivation. Procrastination can only work for so long. And as adults, we mostly know that. Kids don't know that yet. So extending patience in their direction while also explaining that this will happen their whole lives, this kind of thing of not wanting to do something. So it's good to practice, like having a decent attitude now. That is my current chosen approach.

Okay. Scenario 4 is kids fighting with their siblings. That can annoy a parent all day long. you feel like a referee all the time and it's exhausting. If that's your scenario, I'm going to actually point you to another episode. It's episode 2-16. It's like four years old, navigating siblings who fight. It is a whole episode on this and it's still track, still works. So I'm not going to try and poorly condense an entire episode right here. But if you struggle with fighting siblings, that episode is there for you need it. If you need it, 216, navigating siblings who fight.

Okay. Scenario number five. It can feel. desperately annoying to have to repeat yourself over and over again to a kid. Now, there are many reasons why you might have to. So let's think about what our expectations can be here. Because, again, annoyance is often in our own eyes and it's based on expectations. So I talk about this some in the plan in my book the plan, but every brain, it does not process information the same way, right? Now, we all like mostly know this, but I know that I forget it in the moment. I often expect that one of my kids will assimilate information the same way that I do. Now, I have three kids and one of them actually does.

One of my kids does not need to be reminded of anything. They love being responsible. They do not have to be told twice, like pretty much always. That kid is currently in the house doing their laundry. True story. Now, that doesn't mean they're a better kid. And what does better mean anyway? It's just that that one kid's brain is wired really efficiently for,

for executive functions. It's as simple as that. So as we learn more about neurodivergence, we need to recognize that just because a kid hears you but doesn't internalize what you're saying the first or second or even the third time, it doesn't necessarily mean that that kid is a bad listener or that they don't care.

It just might mean that their brain has them hyper-focused on something else. That multitasking is not a thing. Multi-processing is not a thing. That lens helps. us have compassion for our kids and for ourselves. What I have started doing, even though it sometimes is annoying to my kids, but like that's on them, right? We've already established that. If they're annoyed by me and we can have patience for each other. If I say something to a kid and I'm not sure they heard me or it's just like the quickest immediate like mumbled, okay, I'll wait a beat. And then I'll be

like, hey, just making sure you heard me. Can you say what I just said back to me? And sometimes they do and I'm like, great, thanks, and I leave. Sometimes their response is, actually, I don't know what you said. So I will ask for their eyes and look at me. And then I'll repeat the thing. And then I'll say, okay, what did I just say? Some kids and their brains, they need to be pulled from where they are in order to process what you say. The important thing that I have to remember in this practice, too, is that if a kid didn't catch what I said the first time, and they're like, I don't even know, I don't know what you said. I'm not going to get angry. angry or more annoyed at them for that. In fact, I expected that they didn't process whatever I said

the first time. That's why I followed up in the first place. So that slight adjustment in expectations, it really does make a big difference. And let's be real, sometimes kids don't listen or you have to repeat something because they're like tiny and they're just in their own world. They don't know why you're saying something. They don't see the reason or the purpose behind it. They're not reasonable. And occasionally that can lead to potential annoyance. I definitely get annoyed that I have to tell my kids the same things every day. Things like put away your lunchbox or your backpack or put your dirty clothes in the hamper,

take your dishes to the kitchen or take a shower, turn off the light. Like it is comical. How often I have to tell my children to do the same things over and over again. The fact that these kids are still surprised that they have to brush their teeth. The nerve of us to require it of the. them twice a day, you know. So that can definitely be annoying. But even in the repeating, some kids are wired toward habits and others are not. Some kids prefer comfort over discipline. That could be true of a lot of us listening. And that tracks too. I just think all this is more

normal than we realize. So maybe expecting repetition as part of parenting. It doesn't take away the annoyance, but it might ease it just a little bit. Okay, two more. It's easy to get annoyed when kids don't follow directions or they do things the way we expect them to. They're just like not. Like if you ask a kid to clean their room and they say they're done and then you walk in and the room like weirdly looks the same as when you left it.

Like that's a whole thing. Or for example, today I asked one of my kids to load the dishwasher since there were like a lot of dishes in the dirty dishes zone. And that kid only loaded their dishes, like nobody else's dishes. That is not what I expected. I did not expect that to be how the task was handled. And it was legit annoying because then it led to repeating the request and then to the kid complaining that they had to come back and do it. It was like a triple whammy of annoyance. But again, I can choose to stay calm and like breathe through that interaction. You know, I can be firm and kind and say like I did,

it'd be like, hey, thank you for putting your dishes away. I did mean for you to do all of them. So if you could come back and do that and finish up, thank you. Like, don't deal. Now, if a kid refuses to do something or claims constitutional violations, which tends to happen when your opinionated child starts taking civics, this is your warning, everybody.

Sometimes I do have to be firm and kind and lay down the law. And I have to be like, I know you don't want to do this. I know you don't. But in this situation, I am your mom and I am in charge. You will do this thing eventually. So it's just a matter of how you're going to do it or how long it's going to take. If there's something that you need to get it done that I'm missing, then you let me know. And real talk, even when I respond like this to my kids, like, I'm kind and I'm firm and I'm in charge as Dr. Becky tells me to be.

They're like, why are you being so nice? What's your deal? Like, I have had one of my children say that to me before. like why are you being angrily at me? Why are you being so nice? What's the problem? So sometimes you're going to be the annoying one no matter what, no matter what you do. Okay, that's just a good reminder for all of us, I think. And then the final scenario I want to touch on is when a kid is annoying you on purpose. Sometimes it's playful and other times it's got an undertone, you know? Dr. Becky might say that a kid with an undertone who's trying to push your buttons is actually trying to find

their boundaries or find your limits as a parent or is asking for something else that they don't know how to ask for, which is like breaking code sometimes. Like parenting is being a very tired code breaker. This is a place where you might have an expectation that you are not going to lower so much, right? Certain homes have certain standards or expectations of behavior. And I think that's good. I'm not actually going to speak to any of that because that feels deeply personal. Okay. Whatever your standards of behavior are, how you handle that, that's up to you. But my two thoughts with this scenario are, first, we can have behavioral expectations for our kids without shaming them when they don't meet those expectations. We don't meet expectations

all the time either. And shame is not a fun tactic to experience. So no matter what your standards are or how you deal with the annoyance of a kid who is willfully trying to get under your skin, I believe it's possible to parent that without shaming the kid, without making them feel small and without making them out as the person who is the problem, right? The second thought here is that dealing with a willfully annoying kid, it takes a lot of energy. And I find it really comforting that the other six scenarios that we just went through are like reasonably manageable, leaving more margin to deal with scenario number seven. If you are constantly managing noise and mess and repetition and high expectations around

your kids all the time and you're like hyper aware of that, you will absolutely have a come apart when a kid does something to bug you or goad you on purpose. because you've got nothing left. Your reserves were wiped out with being annoyed that they were loud. Now, I understand that we all have different tolerance levels for sound and stimulation, even on certain days. There's a lot of factors here, right? That's very, very important to name.

But I think instead of trying to like white knuckle your way through it and then like breaking apart at a kid later, instead of doing that actively find ways or simply a way one way to create some distance from or regulation around the stimulation adjust your expectations create margin where you can in the places that you can and then when the really hard stuff shows up you have a bit more bandwidth it might feel like an uphill climb and in certain seasons of parenting it most certainly is but hopefully remembering that parents are also annoying, that we're the ones who are annoyed by our kids and it's not, it's not really their fault. And then annoyance is all about our expectations. It can soften

the edges. And then maybe, I think, I think certainly over time, we'll have clearer eyes to see those specific scenarios we just went through where we can adjust and we just don't feel as annoyed by as many things as we used to. And that's how to parent when your kid is annoying. Okay, a quick reminder, the latest lazy letter, which is a fun tongue twister, it goes out on the first Wednesday of the month, and it is where I am the most personal, some say the most funny and the most obsessed with books, certainly, because that's where I share all my book reviews.

But if you're a listener who's never signed up for the newsletter, or you're a new listener, Maybe this is like one of the first episodes you've ever heard and you're like, I would like more of this, more even personal stuff than this, please. You will likely very much enjoy the latest lazy letter. It goes out once a month. It is a monthly long form newsletter. It is not a parenting newsletter by any means. It's really more about like how I'm processing my own life and that sometimes does involve my family. But people without kids read it and love it.

So have no fear about that. But this is just a quick reminder to sign up, give it a try. And if you're not into it, just unsubscribe. Like no biggie. So you can join at the lazy genius collective.com slash join. All right, before we go, let's celebrate the lazy genius of the week. This week, it's Holly Burnside. Holly writes,

My son has ADHD and easily forgets vital information, even though he tries really hard. Same, Holly. I was concerned with him remembering which days he would be a car rider and which days he would be a bus rider. So I put a luggage tag on his bookbag with slips of paper that say car rider and bus. every day before he leaves for school, I make sure it's on the correct mode of transportation for that day. I'm so proud and quite relieved that my son has done an awesome job checking his

tag as he packs up to leave school and he has gone to the correct place every single day. It has removed all the stress out of the situation for me and has helped my son feel confident where he shows up each afternoon. This is honestly so sweet. So many of us have kids with ADHD and the compassion that we can extend to them by understanding their limitations and giving them tools to help them and encouraging them in those efforts, this is seriously what parenting is about. We're coming alongside our kids to help them be more of who they truly are without shaming them for it. And this is a beautiful example of that, not to mention like super practical. So thank you for sharing, Holly. And congratulations on being the lazy genius of the week. This podcast is part of the

Odyssey family and the Office Ladies Network. This episode is hosted by me, Kendra Adachi, and executive produced by Kendra Adachi, Jenna Fisher, and Angela Kinsey. Special thanks to Leah Jarvis for weekly production. Thanks y'all for listening. And until next time, be a genius about the things that matter and lazy about the things that don't. I'm Kendra, and I'll see you next week. Have you ever felt like you were living just a B or B plus life? It's so dangerous to live that, more dangerous than a B minus or a C plus life because when you're living a B or B plus life, you don't change it. You think it's good enough.

Is it? I'm Susie Welch. I host a podcast called Becoming You. People think, okay, an A plus life is not available to me, but there is a way. We are all in the process of becoming ourselves. Listen to Becoming You wherever you get your podcasts.