The Lazy Genius Podcast - #413 Office Hours

Episode Date: April 14, 2025

It’s time for another Office Hours episode! Every quarter, you send in your questions and challenges, and I offer a Lazy Genius lens to help you navigate them. You don’t need someone else to solve your problems—you’re smart and know your life best. Sometimes just asking the question is the solution. But listening to others? It’s a powerful reminder that you’re not alone in what you’re carrying. Helpful Companion Links Order my new book The PLAN or ask your library to consider carrying a copy. The Instagram post for reference Burnout by the Nagoski sisters Episode #332: How to Enjoy Your Evening Hours Four Thousand Weeks by Oliver Burkeman Episode #66: The Lazy Genius Yard Sale Sign up for the Latest Lazy Listens email. Grab a copy of my book The Lazy Genius Kitchen or The Lazy Genius Way! (Affiliate links) Download a transcript of this episode. To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Welcome aboard via rail. Please sit and enjoy. Please sit and sip. Play. Post. Taste. View and enjoy. Via rail.

Love the way. Hey there. You're listening to the Lazy Genius Podcast. I'm Kendra Adachi. And I'm here to help you be a genius about the things that matter and lazy about the things that don't. Today is episode 413, office hours. So office hours episodes, we do those about once a quarter and you guys send in your questions, your challenges, your problems, and then I try and offer you a lazy genius solution.

Catherine Wooten left this comment on the Instagram post about office hours and her thoughts are what I hope you experience too when you listen. Catherine says this, I love when you post the call for lazy genius questions, largely because I start thinking about what my current problems or issues are and end up answering my own questions just by actually phrasing what's stressing me into a question and thinking about it. So how do I lazy genius what to make for dinner on the nights when my husband is home late from work? Well, have you thought about making a meal matrix that's easy to reheat meals or decide once on a cold dinner like sandwiches? How do I lazy genius getting my kids to stop taking the cushions off the

couch when they don't care about the house rules? Maybe live in the season of little kids needing to make couch cushion forts or try a smaller house rule. or it cushions back on the couch before dinner. I also like reading through other people's questions as it reminds me that other people are experiencing the same chaos as me. Okay, a couple of notes here. First, you do not necessarily need me or anyone else to solve your problems. Asking the question might just do the trick because you are smart

and you know your life better than anyone does. Now, that's not to say we don't all need help and ideas sometimes, but don't start out assuming that you can't lazy genius something in your life. Just asking the question might spark a little help. The second thing is hearing what other people are experiencing, it is wildly helpful in contextualizing our own lives. You might think you're the only one dealing with something, and then you read a comment or hear a question on the episode, and you realize you are definitely not alone.

A quick story, so a couple of weeks ago, I went to D.C. to speak to a group called Senate moms. It is a bipartisan group in D.C. It's moms who are either senators or who work for senators. Well, they invited me to speak to their group with a view of the Washington Monument. It was this beautiful room. It's one of the coolest things I've ever gone to do. But something surprised me that honestly shouldn't have surprised me. So I spoke for a few minutes, and then we did a Q&A. I do Q&As often at speaking events, especially where the group is small enough to take questions. It's one of my favorite things to do. If you've ever been to one of my events and you've experienced a Q&A, you already know how much I love it, but also like how valuable it is to the whole room that we're just talking about what we're dealing with. Well, I definitely was a little

skeptical about whether or not I could help these women. They work at a breakneck speed. You know, they're brilliant, super capable people. I do not understand their jobs at all. one of y'all one of corey bookers speech writers was in the room at this meeting just hours after he had gotten off the senate floor in that record breaking filibuster she was like yeah it's been a it's been a really it's been a really busy week it's like it was crazy anyway so i was a little bit like what am i what help am i going to give these moms i should not have been surprised by what happened the q and a with these women it looked exactly like every other q and a that i I've ever done, like for real. Senate moms were struggling to prioritize time with their kids. They were stressed out about life's little details. They were struggling with guilt. They were wondering how they were going to fit it all in.

There were tears and permission and solidarity, just like every other Q&A that I've ever done. Let this be a reminder to us all. You are never alone in what you're going through. You're never alone. No problem is too small to matter. no problem is too big to not be able to face it somehow. Everyone is going through stuff. But everyone also has the capacity to invite compassion into those places, whether you're home with

tiny kids, taking care of your sick dad, trying to find purpose in your dead end job, or you're writing legislation on the hill. So with that in mind, let's jump into today's questions. As always, I'm going to put the parenting, like kids specific questions on the back half. so that if you're not a parent and you are limited on time, you can just stop listening if you'd like once we start those. Now, as is true with most of what I do here, I think that we can learn from each other's experiences, even when they're different, maybe especially when they're different. But I also get that you sometimes only have 10 minutes to listen. So let's make those 10 minutes meaty for you. All right. Our first question comes from Melissa Marie, who writes, it seems like the world

moves so fast. I try to prioritize myself and rest, but I still feel like I have a psychie. of feeling burnout. How can I lazy genius saying no to more to leave more margin for myself and the things I care about? How relatable is this question, you guys, right? So I have two thoughts. First, on a practical level, metabolizing your stress every day is essential to avoiding burnout. Many of you have read the book, Burnout by the Nagasaki Sisters, and it's excellent. It's excellent. If you struggle with burnout and you have not read that book, it is your manual for sure, truly, truly And the biggest takeaway for me from that book was that I have to release my stress. I have to do something every single day that metabolizes the stress, my body, and day

will naturally build up. Now, I'm paraphrasing here, but in the book, they basically say that we often pay attention to the stressors rather than the stress. We try and manage the stressors, the things that cause stress, like kids and jobs and relationships and chores and all the things, but we don't actually deal with the stress itself. That comes from moving, from creating, from laughing, or connecting with others. Very doable, small human things. So that's the first thing, tend to the stress more than the stressors and read burnout

if you would like more specifics. So the second thing has to do with what matters. No matter what matters, it will come at a call. If you say that ambition and success at your job matters the most, even when it's to provide for your family that you love, that priority comes at a cost to other things. In this case, maybe it's your time, your energy, or your contentedness. Now, that's not necessarily a bad thing, but it's a tradeoff that exists no matter what. Cause and I have chosen that we want our lives to be small, contented, and full of connection

with our city and our people. We do not have professional ambitions. We don't try and make money at any cost. In my work, I say no to things all the time, even very lucrative things, because they would take me away from the priorities that I've chosen. Even priorities to stay small come at a cost. Every single thing that matters to you comes at the cost of something that matters less. And the sooner you expect and accept that trade-off, the more ease you will have

in letting things that matter less go. Melissa said that the world moves so fast, it really does. If you want to prioritize moving at a different speed than the world, it comes at a cost. Everything does. So choose what cost is worth it. I think that naming that is the first step in finding more ease in letting go. So I know that's not super, super, like particular and specific, but I hope that that mindset helps all of you, especially you, Melissa, who wrote in.

Okay. Our next question comes from Becky Fowler, who writes, lazy genius evenings. I'm trying to spend time and connect with my husband after our son goes to bed, but I'm also wanting to use that time for hobbies or tasks that need to be done. Connection is important, but sitting in front of the TV seems like a waste of time, which is my husband's go-to after dinner. Okay, the first thing I would encourage you to do is listen to episode 332, How to Enjoy Your Evening Hours. We did a whole episode on this. because of how real this challenge is. But specifically to your comment, Becky, particularly the mentions of TV and hobbies. This sounds a lot like me and my husband. His favorite thing to do after everyone is like mostly settled is to lie as flat as possible on the couch and watch something that makes him laugh or watch sports. Like that's low-key his hobby, honestly. Now, mine can be that sometimes, but it's not sustainable is the only thing.

so we do not treat every single night the same. That is part of episode 332, that there are evenings where he's watching something, and I'm sitting at the coffee table next to him painting. Or I might put in earbuds with white noise, and I read while he watches TV, but I'm next to him. Like we're silent, contented companions together, even though we're technically doing different things.

So to Becky and anyone else struggling with this, go listen to episode 332 if you would like more help. Aw isn't something we need to travel for. It's something waiting for us in everyday life, whether in a city street or a moment with a work of art. I'm Dr. Keltner, host of the Science of Happiness podcast. Join me for Cities of Aw, a special series on how our public spaces can spark awe, wonder, and enhance the quality of public life. You can find us wherever you listen to your podcasts. Next is wildly specific, and I love it.

Kate from Four Present Joy's writes, washing hand-knit socks. There with me, I know that sounds niche. Yes, it does. It involves soaking them in cold water and gentle soap in a bin that takes up counterspace, waiting several hours while they soak, getting rid of most of the water and then laying them flat to dry. I put it off because I hate doing it, even though I love knitting socks. And then I have a backlog of socks to wash, usually at the same time that my counter is full of dishes and my toddler has things spread across the floor where I usually lay them to dry. Space is an issue in general. We're in a small apartment, so options are limited.

Okay. So this is deeply niche and also so great. Now, I'm going to remind Kate and everyone listening of one of our favorite lazy genius principles put everything in its place. The socks do have places to go during their cycle of getting clean. You know, there's probably a hamper or something where they wait. there's the soaking bin that Kate already has. And then there's some type of like laundry line or rack to dry or floor space.

Maybe that's actually a thing to consider is to move the socks from the floor to like hanging them somewhere to dry. But it doesn't sound like the socks themselves need a place. It's more that the routine of washing the socks needs a place. I would like to suggest Kate that you plan and declare when it is sock day. On sock day, the main activity of the day for you and your toddler is to tend to the socks. On sock day, you eat breakfast on disposable dishes so the cleanup is easier. On sock day, you cook your easiest lunch and dinner that doesn't require like prepping or

counter space or dishes. Or you can even say that sock day is takeout day. On sock day, you watch a sock puppet video or you make your own sock puppet game with your kid while the actual socks soak. This sounds like a Dr. Seuss book. On Sock Day, you mark the moment and celebrate the fact that you love knitting socks and you want to honor that hobby and desire within yourself. So maybe on sock day, you work on a current pair of socks while your toddler makes yarn chaos

on our own. Declare it. Sock Day, Kate. Make it easy on yourself and have fun. Sometimes we don't need to put a thing in its place. We need to put an activity in its place. Okay. Next up.

I love the honesty and heart behind this next one. Sue Bay writes this. After my husband died 20 years ago, I moved to a new city and into a condo to be near my daughter and her family. Now at 81, they have asked me to move into a suite in their home. The five of them lived with me for six months after their home sold quickly while they searched for a new home, so I know we will live harmoniously. But I find myself a bit overwhelmed sorting through my possessions.

I almost feel like I'm going to. through my items for my death, except I'm alive. That sounds morbid, but it seems this is the final purge. I have so much dinnerware, glasses, bowls, et cetera, that my daughter suggested we both have a yard sale, but that just sounds exhausting. Do you have any thoughts? Thanks. So first, I want to honor this season of life. Sue said that this feels like going through her stuff. It's like she's dead, even though she's alive. The finitude of life is something that is kind of startling sometimes. But Sue, I just want to thank you for the compassionate and like even lightheartedness that you're bringing to your own finitude. I think we all need to think about that more. That's why Oliver

Berkman's book, 4,000 weeks is one of my favorites. He's basically like, hey, y'all, we're all going to die. Stop trying to manage your life and time like you're going to live forever. It's very calming and clarifying in the best way. Now the second thing, I hear you on the stress of a yard sale. Like, oh, now I do have an episode about yard sales. It is episode, episode 66, had to look it up. The lazy, genius yard sale. Y'all, I still get DMs, even from that super old episode,

about how people followed my approach for their yard sale, and it went really great. So if money is needed, maybe your yard sale would be worth it, you know? The exchange of time and energy for several hundred dollars, it would be great. But if money is less important and you would just like to say goodbye to the things that you no longer need, I would encourage you to find a place to donate that matters to you. Where I live, we have a thrift store whose proceeds and even the items themselves are specifically earmarked for women fleeing domestic violence. We have another nonprofit that collects donations for foster kids as they go to different placements, especially kids who are 18 and place out of the foster system with like no real resources.

or maybe there's an organization that works to house the unhoused. And they need things like plates and bowls and all of that that you have to help someone get started in a new home. So I think that donations, especially if they land somewhere that matters to you, are really wonderful. One other idea that I've done before when I was getting rid of a lot of stuff, but I didn't want to host a yard sale, is that I just texted all my people, like friends, neighbors, anyone who I didn't mind knowing where I live or had already been in my house. and I said, I'm about to donate a ton of stuff, come by during this time, and just take whatever you like. So you're not charging people, but things are still going to a new place where they'll be used. So those are my ideas.

Thank you so much for sharing with us, Sue. All right. Now we're going to do a couple of kid and parenting specific questions. So if you're out of time and want to bounce, now's the time. First up, we have Anna Engelmeyer, who writes, I'd love to hear how you lazy genius playing with one's own kids. Mine are age seven through teenagers. I gravitate towards doing well with managing the household.

I'm a good listener and nurture and supporter, but I naturally lack the urge and know how to play. With summer coming up, knowing how to lazy genius playing with my kids would likely bring me lots of joy and fulfillment. So this is totally me. I am not a mom who plays. I think that's actually the first line of the lazy genius way. I'm not a mom who plays. In fact, there is a study. I do not know the name of it or any details.

So, so sorry about that. That there was a study that found that moms are better at nurturing and dads are better at play. And I see it anecdotally all over the place. Dads can play. Dads are so good at playing. Moms have a harder time. So this is all in general, of course. Like, it's not every family has a mom and a dad that exist as the parents.

anyway, that there are legit studies that prove it, which is wild. And I'm going to say it's kind of comforting as a mom who doesn't play. So connection is the ultimate thing here, right? And connection can happen without play and pretend. So after you, like, release your own expectation to play the way you think you should, I want you to think about ways to creatively connect with your kids that do speak to what you enjoy and what makes you feel more alive and competent in. For me, I am not a pretend play person. I'm not terribly silly. Even Annie, she will ask for cause specifically. She's like, I need to be silly because he's silly and he will have so much fun with her in that way. She's not wrong in saying that. She and I do have plenty of ways that we

connect with each other. We draw together a lot, which I love, a fun spin on this to make it a little bit more like playful is to do one of those like those YouTube video prompts. They would call it like the three marker challenge or the five marker challenge. Everything is a challenge. But basically like you print the same coloring sheet out and then you and your kid blindly choose three markers each. And then you have to color your whole picture with only those three markers. So that adds like a little bit of play to the art in a way that I find very doable.

Other things that Annie and I do, we do sidewalk chalk and hopscotch. And I try to not wet my pants because hopping is a whole thing. It is also why I never go on the trampoline anymore. We read. We gather things to build a fairy house. We play board games. She makes homemade dough or like gross concoctions in the kitchen with just like old stuff from the fridge while I'm getting dinner ready, which is like togetherness and

kind of play. But it's, I'm still doing what I need to do. We're just connecting it together. Basically, you don't have to pretend. You can be on the lookout for ways to connect. That's the key word. Connection. Connection can totally happen without stereotypical pretend play. Thanks so much for your question, Anna. Okay, next step. Kalyn Ryan writes, my child who's almost six, does an activity for 30 minutes twice a week. At home before we leave,

he whines about not wanting to go. He has zero problems during the activity, but loses interest about three quarters of the way through. There are not tears or extreme tantrums involved, but a serious case of whiny reluctance. We paid for. the activity and want to raise kids who stick with a commitment. But we also want to listen and respect to kids' opinion and interest. Do we try again in a few years? Do we keep pushing? What will we do? Okay. Man, how real is this? I think a lot of parents struggle with this question. And spoiler alert, there's like not a clear answer. I think that so much of your default position lies in what matters most. So we are friends.

with a family who prioritizes resilience in a big way. They listen to and affirm their kids when things are hard, but they really do encourage them to stick it out so that the kids can know and experience in their bodies that they can do hard things. And I love that. I love that. And also, resilience is not as high of a priority in our house, which means we would handle a kid not wanting to do an activity differently than our friends would. And both ways are great. they simply come from different priorities. So if resilience matters a lot, it's okay to encourage the kid to keep going. Now, for a little specific help, this is what we did when Annie was experiencing the same sort of

reluctance in her taekwondo class. She never really wanted to go. She had a good time when she was there, but she was like pretty toast by the end of her class. It definitely felt like pulling teeth. It took a lot of energy from everyone. she never asked outright to quit because I think in some way she liked it, right? But she wasn't sure if she liked it enough. Now, when I would ask her if she wanted to keep going or if she wanted to take a break and

think about trying something new, she would always say she wasn't sure. She wanted to quit and she wanted to keep going. So this is where I employed some excellent wisdom for my friend, Emily P. Freeman, host of the Next Right Thing podcast. Emily is the kindest expert on decision making and discernment. And one of the things that she says is that decisions don't have to be, nor are they ever really, 100%, 100,0. Sometimes the decision is 51.49.

We wait for it to feel like all the way good. But if we do that, we'll be waiting a really long time. So I actually shared that concept with Annie. I said, even if you want to quit just a tiny bit more than you want to stay, that's still enough. you don't have to totally want to quit or totally want to stay. It's okay for it to almost be the same. And then she, she like held her two hands next to each other, one just slightly above the other, and said this hand is the quitting hand. So from there, I was like, okay, well, what do you think about going one more time, knowing that your quitting hand is a little higher than the staying

hand and you can just make sure whatever you want to do is what we'll do. And she went one more time, she had a good time, but she got in the car after and she was like her quitting hand was still higher than her staying hand. So she quits taquando. Everything we do, everything we do is helping us become a person. Everything our kids do is helping them become a person. I think rather than focusing so much on whether you should push your kid to keep going or try again later, you think about the kind of person you and your kid are becoming no matter the steps you take. Like it's a longer life lesson anyway. All right, two more. Brooke Epps writes this. Buying birthday. presents for our kids' friends' birthdays. I want them to learn to be good gift givers who notice what

their friends like. But the time and energy of constantly taking trips to the store for all the birthdays is kind of exhausting. I'm tempted to batch it, but that would take away from them choosing what would be best for their friend. I love this question so much. So I'm a big fan of deciding once on a gift for friends' birthdays. And that feels like the obvious answer here. But what I love with this question is if you want to prioritize your own kid being an active participant in the gift, especially in this beautiful thing of noticing what other people love. I love that. And because of that priority, deciding wants can be harder. So here's my suggestion. First, start with your priority. Is it more important that the decision is easier once you're in the store? Or is it more

that you don't have to go to the store at all. Because that feels like the problem point is the shopping itself. Okay. So if it's more the decision, like if going to the store is fine, but really you just want the decision to be easier, decide once on a category of gift, but then let your kid pick the thing that fits their friend the best within that category. So if you decide once is like a board game and your kid is going to pick a specific one for their friend, or maybe the decide once is a puzzle and then your kid picks the picture of the puzzle. Or maybe it's Play-Doh or kinetic sand or something. And then your kid picks their friend's favorite color of the Play-Doh or the sand.

Or it's a fun bag of candy and your kid picks their friend's favorite candy, right? Also, side note, I will stand by snacks as like the greatest gift forever and ever. Our kids often get their friends like a whole bunch of their favorite snack. I remember giving that idea to Sam, my oldest, when one of his friends had a birthday. I think she was turning like 13 or something. Listen, he thought that idea was so dumb. He was like, why would I do that? I was like, dude, trust me.

What's her favorite chip? He said it was salt and vinegar, and he knows this because he even loves with her every day. I said, okay, we're going to get, what if we got every brand of salt and vinegar chips at the store, every one we can find, and then you can have like a huge bag of bags of chips. And she could even have fun deciding which brand is her favorite. So he was like, all right, he relented. She was obsessed with the gift. and now that's like our go-to for teenagers.

Snacks is gifts, baby. They're so good. Okay, back to the situation at hand, though, back to the priority. So if your priority is to have the decision be easier, but the store is fine, then you can make it decide once of a category and just pick within that category. If your priority is to not have to go to the store at all, do a similar thing. Think about categories of gifts like snacks or board games or books where you can order from your phone and have it delivered.

with your groceries or your next order of toilet paper or whatever. So name the priority and then have your kid decide within that sort of decide-once situation. They can pick the specific version of whatever you have decided that's easier for you for their friend. Also, I just want to say again how precious it is to honor your kids being an active part in knowing what their kids like, their friends like. I just think that's really dear. Okay, final one.

Taylor Lamon writes, pregnancy in the summer. I'm due in September, and the summer feels so daunting at six to nine months pregnant. So I was pregnant with my first two kids over the summer, and it was miserable. So solidarity, Taylor. There are things like portable fans and moos,

because, you know, we need to get the pregnant lady comfortable. But I'm going to remind you of just one important thing instead, because I don't even know fully if it's a heat thing, like what the summer pregnancy problem specifically. is, but I want to remind you of this, live in the season. So, for example, if you are someone who does not normally belong to a pool because of the cost or something, or, you know, how often that you think you're going to go, that you know that in this season, being in the cold water is going to be a delight, then join a pool just for this summer. If you usually enjoy being outside

in other non-pregnant seasons and you don't know how to make that work now because it's too hot and you're uncomfortable, then like go out in the early mornings before it gets too hot. Do it differently this season than you win in others. Cut your hair or keep it longer so you can pull it up. Do your hair differently in this season because of the season that you're in. Drink smoothies more often to get your vitamins but enjoy them because they're so cold, right? Basically, make decisions for this particular summer based on what you need, not on how you normally live your summer.

You're not deciding things forever. You're not trying to make this summer look like any other summer you ever have lived before. You're trying to be cool and comfortable as much as humanly possible. So give yourself permission to make different decisions in this season to make that happen. I hope that's encouraging to you. All right. That is this month's office hours. Because we had so many of you right in today, we will not have a lazy genius of the week this week.

But this is a great chance to remind you where to send your submission if you want to be considered for Lacey Genius of the Week. Take any idea, even things that feel silly or small, maybe especially so, and email it along with your name to hello at the lazy genius collective.com. And you can put Lazy Genius of the Week in the subject of your email. Latoya is our director of community and she will happily read your ideas. So thank you for sharing them with us. This podcast is part of the Odyssey family. and the Office Ladies Network. This episode is hosted by me, Kendra Adachi,

and executive produced by Kendra Adachi, Jenna Fisher, and Angela Kenzie. Special thanks to Leah Jarvis for weekly production. Thanks y'all for listening, and until next time, be a genius about the things that matter and lazy about the things that don't. I'm Kendra, and I'll see you next week.

If you ever felt like you were living just a B or B plus life, it's so dangerous to live that, more dangerous than a B minus or a C plus life because when you're living a B or B plus life, you don't change it. You think it's good enough. Is it? I'm Susie Welch. I host a podcast called Becoming You. People think, okay, an A plus life is not available to me, but there is a way. We are all in the process of becoming ourselves. Listen to Becoming You wherever you get your podcasts.