The Lazy Genius Podcast - #414 - What I Hope My Kids Know When They Move Out

Episode Date: April 21, 2025

My oldest is wrapping up his freshman year of high school, and I can feel how fast it’s all going. This episode is about what I hope he—and all my kids—know before they leave home. It’s not a checklist of adult skills (though those can be great); it’s more about the slow, everyday work of becoming. I’m sharing a few helpful categories and what falls inside them for us, but your version will look different—and that’s the point. This isn’t about doing it all. It’s about starting small, right where you are. Helpful Companion Links Order my new book The PLAN or ask your library to consider carrying a copy. Sign up for the Latest Lazy Listens email. Grab a copy of my book The Lazy Genius Kitchen or The Lazy Genius Way! (Affiliate links) Download a transcript of this episode. To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey there, you're listening to the Lazy Genius Podcast. I'm Kendra Adachi and I'm here to help you be a genius about the things that matter and lazy about the things that don't. Today is episode 414, what I hope my kids know when they move out. I have three kids at the time of this recording. They are 15, 13, and a very fresh nine. My oldest Sam is finishing up his freshman year of high school and I can already feel this speed of how soon he will move out. It's wild and sad and beautiful and all the things. This episode is about what I hope Sam and all my kids know before they leave, but it's also a reminder that most of what we want our kids to know is not taught once and then never again. You can absolutely get a checklist of like adult skills and go through them like a summer camp. A lot of families do that. It's an active lesson at a specific time.

You teach it and then you check off that taught. skill. I think that is great. I just know for me that so much of what I want my kids to know is done through the daily work of small choices and kind presence. Learning to be an adult is a massive undertaking and no one can do it all at once. So slowly teaching and empowering our kids to become themselves in this world is valuable in every measure, even the smallest ones that don't feel like they matter. So it's okay if you don't have a detailed checklist or a week set aside each summer to teach your kids adult skills. You can start small exactly where you are today. This episode is by no means fully comprehensive or exhaustive. We're all learning still,

like every single day. But the basic categories are helpful for me to remember. I have several today and I'm going to share a few things within each category. I think the categories are universal. But depending on your personal priorities and how you live, the particulars within those categories will likely change. All right. So let's jump in. First category, I want my kids to know how to tend to their space. Like all these categories, the particulars are personal. Not everyone has to value or tend to their spaces in the exact same way. In fact, how I tend to my space is different from how each of my three kids tend to theirs. Everyone's bedroom looks and operates differently, and that's great. This is a beautiful time to not micromanage your kids,

but empower them to become who they are. Ultimately, my kids knowing how to tend their space means putting everything in its place. And the assumption there is that everything has a place. You can pick the place and you can pick the frequency of how often you put it away, but ultimately tending to your space means putting things back in their place. It also means tending to what is full,

what is empty, or what needs to be reset. The trash is full, take it out, and please tie the bag first before you put it in the big trash can. Your underwear drawer is empty. Well, it's time to do laundry. And you definitely need to know how to do that. Quick pro tip here. Laundry detergent sheets are a game changer in teaching kids to do their laundry.

Like even the tiniest kids can use them and feel successful because you don't have to pour the detergent or whatever. So that's just quick pro tip. Okay. The milk gallon is empty. All right. Make a note in a specific place that a grocery list is that you need to get more. The kitchen sink is full. It's time to wash the dishes or load the dishwasher. The living room is a bit chaotic and there's nowhere to sit. It's time to reset. It's time to put everything in its place and reset the

room. Does the toilet look gross? It's time to reset it to a reasonable shine. I don't care if they know how to clean baseboards or what baseboards even are. I don't care if they know to change an air filter or how to wash drapes or how to use a power washer. Those are not daily things. And they They can learn them when they need them. What I'm after is the daily tending. Put things in their place and tend to what is full, empty, or needs a reset. I also want them to know that they can make their space beautiful. They can frame photos and hang posters and have plants and get a fun couch if that makes them happy.

I want them to see the difference in how a room feels during the day when the curtains are closed versus when they're open. or how a room feels at night when a candle is lit. Tending to their space isn't just about keeping it, you know, relatively clean. It's also about making it a home. And that isn't something that you teach one time. It's more about modeling it in your own home and speaking it out loud. Like I will often go into Sam's room and he has not opened his blinds yet.

And I'll say, hey, bud, can you open your curtains to let a little light and happiness into your room? He'll do it. And then sometimes I'll be like, does that feel better? And he'll go, yeah, yeah. Like help them notice those things. So that is the first category. I want my kids to know how to tend to their space. Second category, I want my kids to know how to tend to their bodies. So first, there's basic hygiene, like brush your tea twice a day, wash your body once a day, maybe try to not go past two or three days if you happen to skip, like please, wash your hands,

don't put dirty underwear back on your body, you know, basic hygiene. Second, there is fueling their bodies. I want them to know how to cook a handful of things on the stove, right? I want them to know their favorite sources of protein. and to include them often, especially Sam, who has ADHD and he needs protein to help his brain function in a helpful way. I want them to know how to make a grocery list based on what they're going to eat and how to grocery shop for that food, how to cut a piece of fruit because they all three eat a ton of fruit. I want them to know that if food smells or looks weird or makes you wonder

if it's going to make you puke, don't eat it. So I do this kind of thing all the time. A kid will make their lunch and I'll say, hey, do you have some protein with that? I'll remind them that washing their hands keeps them and others from getting sick. Like just speaking it into their sweet little heads over and over again. Helps so much. The other day, Annie had like this little fever blister in her mouth. And I said, I bet it'll feel a lot better when you wake up in the morning. Your mouth heals super quickly.

And she said, Mom, I know you say that all the time. I had no idea. I said it all the time. But I would rather be repetitive and annoying. And they remember what I'm going to say than not say anything at all. Obviously, there are more common phrase. that are like not about the healing of your mouth, but you know what I mean. I tell my kids I love them, like a ridiculous amount.

Ben, he's my middle, like no nonsense kid. He will almost always respond. When I say, I love you, Ben, he'll say, Mom, I know you tell me this all the time. Good. Okay, the third part of my kids tending to their bodies is like basic first aid. I want my kids to know how to, you know, tend to cut, put ice on something if it's swelling, follow the directions on the box of medicine when they have a headache or a cold, and ask for help if they don't know how to tend to something.

There's also stress management when you're tending to your body. Move your body. Enjoy creativity. Don't skip out on sleep more than one night in a row. Look at the sky. Enjoy people. Receive affection and compliments. Breathe and take a break when something feels overwhelming.

I repeat that kind of thing to them all the time. when I see it. And then the fifth thing is honor your body and your boundaries. Tending to your body means listening to what it's telling you, that it's hungry or tired or sluggish or skeptical of this person's motives. Trust your body. I tell my kids out all the time. I say, listen to your body. Sam will get a bag of chips. He'll look at me and he'll say, I promise, mom, I'll listen to my body. It's so funny. Also, honor your boundaries, you know, tending to your body means honoring the boundaries that you have set for it. I want my kids to know that things like smoking, alcohol, any addictive substances make it hard to tend to their bodies. I want them to have boundaries around food and sleep and stress

and safety and relationships. All of that matters and is something that you can bring to their minds all the time. So the second category is I want my kids to know how to tend to their bodies. And for us, that includes basic hygiene, fueling and feeding their bodies, basic first aid, stress management and honoring their bodies and boundaries. There's more to life than finding the perfect car. But finding the perfect car can help you get the most out of life. Like the SUV that handles everything from drop off to off road and the car that hulls groceries and hockey teams,

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Flip. Or that. And enjoy. Via rail, love the way. Aw, isn't something we need to travel for. It's something waiting for us in everyday life, whether in a city street or a moment with a work of art. I'm Dr. Keltner, host of the Science of Happiness,

podcast. Join me for Cities of Aw, a special series on how our public spaces can spark awe, wonder, and enhance the quality of public life. You can find us wherever you listen to your podcasts. Okay, the third category, I want my kids to know how to tend to their time. Obviously, this is a sparkly one for me because my literal job is teaching time management, but I don't want them to tend to their time exactly the way I tend to mine. What I do want is for them to understand the purpose and value of their time. Know how to get yourself out of bed on time. Know how to reverse engineer your travel in order to get somewhere on time.

I've started asking Sam and Ben specifically when they think they need to get up, when there's like an activity before school, rather than telling them when to get up. Or reminding them of what they need to do and then asking them how much time they think they will need. I leave room for them to figure it out themselves, and then I try to support that in that time. I want my kids to recognize if a task is huge with a lot of steps or small with only a couple, and that different tasks require different amounts of your time. And I will ask that of them too.

I'm like, what all is involved in this project? Like, how much time do you think you need? How far do you think you need to get on this today to still have time to finish it tomorrow? So I'm trying to teach them to think about it rather than, them just telling them what to do. I want them to know the value of routines, especially specific ones that they might need in order to feel like themselves. For example, Sam, he needs a morning routine. If he does not do a series of regular things like eat breakfast, brush teeth, get dressed, he will wake up and he will immediately get on his computer and he will start composing music

and hyper focus on that for hours without realizing that time has gone by. Like he needs a morning routine to tell him that it's morning. My middle kid, Ben, he wants a morning routine. He is wired more like me where routine is comforting to him. It's not so much necessary. And I want to honor that in him. Like I praise his personal morning routine. Annie needs a bedtime routine because she does not want to stop having fun.

If she just pushes and pushes until she can't function anymore, but she still has to like shower and brush her teeth and get her stuff ready for tomorrow. She is a ball of sadness. So having a bedtime or like a wind down routine and starting it early, so she has margin to take her time within that is crucial to her. And I will share that with her, but she just turn nine. So I'm also like going to be the captain of that more than I am with the boys because she's younger. But I'm reminding her how much she loves being cozy in bed and that once we get the boring stuff out of the way, she can immediately be cozy and not have to do anything that isn't fun for the rest of the night. I'm trying to help her see the value of honoring her

routine so she can have more time to do what she wants. So I don't necessarily want all of my kids to have like a specific type of routine, the specific set of things inside. But I do want them to all know the value of a routine in general and how prioritizing the purpose of a specific one for them, it can make life feel a little bit easier. In addition to wanting them to know how to get up and get places on time and how to value routine where it's needed, I want them to know how to tend to their time when the task is something they don't want to do, kind of like Annie's bedtime. It's that time management principle, I often say, of tend to the necessary before it becomes

urgent. Sometimes urgency is the only thing that gets you motivated. My same is that way. But you can also learn that if you don't tend to something, necessary before it becomes urgent. It will eventually become urgent, possibly at the same time as other urgent things. It's a good life lesson to learn, and I remind them of this constantly. And finally, with their time, I want my kids to know that they don't have to sacrifice their humanity on the altar of productivity. They can take their time. They can go slow. They cannot have anything to show

at the end of the day. I want them to know it's okay to be mid at things that don't matter to them so much. it's okay to not get everything done that they hope to. I want them to know that contentment and self-compassion are just as important to time management, if not more important, than being organized and optimized. They will need organization and optimization and plans and discipline and all those things. But they will also need compassion and pivoting and kindness even more. Their humanity matters more than their output. it. So the third category is that I want my kids to know how to tend to their time.

Fourth category, I want my kids to know how to tend to their money. For us, this includes teaching the value of living within your means, of paying off the whole credit card balance each month, and if you can't, then holding off on charging things that don't matter so much, evaluating having more so that you can give and help more, not just have more. Also, they need to know how to leave a tip. Good gracious. Make sure you know that your kids know how to leave a tip. One time Sam went out to dinner with a couple of his friends. And when his Apple Pay amount came through, like my text or whatever, I was like, huh, that seems low. And I asked Sam, like if he left a tip, I asked him what he ordered and then if he left a tip. And he said, what do you mean?

And I realized in that moment, he did not know about tipping people in the restaurant industry. Fortunately, I was able to call the restaurant because he'd already left. I was able to call the and add a tip to the card and like profusely apologize to the server. And she was so kind and understanding. Like she was so lovely. And then I taught Sam how to calculate a tip. But back to those earlier things. We talk to our kids often about saving up for things they want so that they understand

that sometimes you have to wait for things and that you want to try and have all the money available before buying something so that you're not beholden to it if you can help it. We also don't live extravagantly. so they're used to not having the best of everything. That is, of course, like a personal choice and not a judgment choice, but that's kind of what we do. Recently, my oldest Sam, he asked for a new musical instrument. He always asked for instruments.

But this particular one was a really fascinating conversation about money because we were actually considering like, yeah, okay, you do need this instrument. There are reasons that you need this instrument. And on one hand, he was worried that buying the instrument would put our family. family in financial trouble. So I got to remind him of savings and prudence and living within your means and that we did have the means. But we also talked about splitting the cost of this instrument and if the instrument was worth him actually paying for it. And not just paying for it all at once, even though I did just say we try to encourage them to save everything up so they can buy. But that's more for like small things. This is like, this is a big investment, right? And you also need to learn

how to pay for things over time. Having the money is important, but learning how to pay off debt is too. So our deal is that he gives us half of everything he earns or is given for like birthday or Christmas or whatever until his half of the instrument is paid off. We'll note it every time he pays, we'll remind him of that concept of debt. We will remind him that we're not charging him interest and why that matters. And then we'll celebrate when he pays it off. Another thing to teach you about money that I did not even notice until it was happening was that one of my kids was using money to gain friends. It was mostly out of a spirit of generosity and just wanting everyone to have a good time, but then that generosity, it started getting exploited a little. My kid shared that they did this

because they wanted their friends to like them and be happy, and they didn't feel comfortable saying no when someone asked for something. That's a huge teaching moment right there. Both of those stories are great examples of how teaching kids about money and really anything, it is a daily practice that we just, we forget about, right? We need to pay attention to what money habits we're seeing and even modeling. So like all the time, I'm, you know, I'm paying bills or I'm ordering groceries or placing an order for something. I'm scanning my card at the gas station or at a store. I don't necessarily think about how those choices can be teaching tools for the kids who are with me to understand why I am spending this much money on this thing or why it matters

or where the money is coming from, right? I'm just more aware of that than ever before, especially as Sam has gotten older and he's going to be leaving the house suit. Now, how you prioritize money in your own life, it will determine, obviously, how you teach your kids about it, but ultimately I think we all want our kids to know how to tend to their money. Fifth category, I want my kids to know how to tend to their communities. I I want my kids to know where to vote, how to make a call to a representative, and how to get news in as unbiased a fashion as possible. I want them to know how to make a phone call, to make an appointment, and also to treat the person on the other end with kindness. I want them to know that they're part of an ecosystem that depends on the good of everyone.

I want them to hold doors and let someone with one item go in front of them in line. I want them to not look away from an unhoused person when they're stopped at a stoplight, even rolling down their window and saying hello. even if they don't have anything concrete to offer. I want them to find a place to get connected, like a church or a nonprofit or a club with some sort of purpose so they can serve and tend to the place where they live. I want them to look people in the eye instead of at their phones.

I want them to respect the dignity of the people around them exactly where they live. So the fifth category, I want my kids to know how to tend to their communities. The sixth category, I want my kids to know how to tend to their people. ask questions of friends notice when someone is feeling sad and move toward them apologize and repair when you mess up remember that your roommate's favorite snack is you know salt and vinegar chips respect the boundaries of friends

that are different from yours remember that everyone can have different opinions and still be connected with each other laugh at your friends jokes even when they're not funny so much of this is affirmed in the moment, right? When I see one of my kids tending to a friend or a sibling or even me, well, I speak it out loud. I affirm what they're doing so they know that it is important. I also want my kids to tend to people in general. Like, this is a bit connected to, you know, tending to your community, but I want my kids to spot the person. That's the phrase I've been using. There's a commercial that comes on TV quite often for a house cleaning company. The ad says you can get your whole house clean for $19. Now, obviously, like, that's a thing. You know,

That's just the first cleaning. It might come with some sort of contract. I don't know. But I remember getting so heated one evening when that commercial came on. And I said to my kids like, hey, guys, what is this commercial trying to get you excited about? And they were like getting your house clean for not a lot of money. I said, yeah, that's right. But I want you to remember that behind every deal, there's a person on the other end.

Would you want to clean our whole house and do all the laundry for just $19? Would that seem fair? They had very clear answers to that. No, it is not fair. So we talked about how like deals and bargains and marketing can often make you forget about the person on the other end. And that we should always try to spot the person. Now whenever that commercial comes on, one of my kids will inevitably say to the TV something like, hey, you should pay your workers more.

It's funny and also super gratifying that they're learning that. So the sixth category, I want my kids to know how to tend to their people. And the seventh and final category, I want my kids to know how to tend to their souls. Stress management, sleep, and community are all a huge part of this for sure. But on a deeper level, I'm talking about wanting my kids to know how deeply they are loved. On a soul level, I want them to know that they can always ask for help, that they can always come home, and that they can do things that feel beyond them. Those beliefs tend to the soul.

I want them to know how they individually bring goodness and beauty into the world. I've been trying to actively tell my kids why they change. your room when they walk into it. And they all do it in different ways. You know, Annie makes people laugh and feel connected right away. Ben is so kind and he sees the needs of others. In fact, recently, another mom at the middle school saw Ben notice two girls crying in the hallway and he stopped and he asked them if they were okay.

He did not know them or anything. He just saw a need and he moved towards it. He's so tender-hearted and that's a special thing he brings to the world. And then Sam brings like passion and fun everywhere he goes. goes. He never meets a stranger. When I asked him how he would feel about having to room with someone he didn't know at like this upcoming music camp he's going to, he was like, it's just another chance to make a friend. That's literally what he said to me. What is happening? Now, my kids are not perfect children. No kids are. My kids whine and complain and they won't eat new foods. They say

the chores are old-fashioned. They will not let me poop in peace. They willfully skip doing their homework and yell at each other and roll their eyes at me and cause and all the things. They're kids with flaws, just like all of us have flaws. but we also all have things we bring to the world that make it better. And I want my kids to hear often what that is for them. I want them to know that who they are matters, that their voice matters, that their small choices matter. And they don't have to be amazing at everything in order to matter. They can just be who they're already made to be.

So in summary, I have seven categories of things I want my kids to know how to tend. I want them to know how to tend their space, their bodies, their time, their money, their communities, their people, and their souls. Within those categories, I have different things than you might have for your kids, and that's a good thing. We all get to exist in this world together, offering the unique goodness that we can. And that's what I hope my kids know when they move out. Real quick, thanks to all of you who left reviews a few weeks ago when I asked,

you were all amazing listeners and you left so many kind of reviews on Apple Podcast. So my husband, cause, he loves reading the reviews. I don't read the reviews, but he loves reading the reviews. It's so sweet. And about a week after that episode, he goes, man, you have gotten a lot of new reviews, which he would know because he reads them on a regular basis. I do not read them because sometimes people are mean, and I would rather not see it, and that's okay. But he does, and it's adorable. So thank you all for doing that. It was amazing. So today I would like to ask you to do something else. Will you actually share a favorite episode of this podcast with a friend who does not yet listen?

It doesn't matter what episode and it doesn't matter who you share it with. But this show grows and continues to help people fairly exclusively from word of mouth. So maybe you can choose the episode from a couple of weeks ago, how to parent when your kid is annoying, and you can send it to a mom friend. Or you can choose the Big Sister Pep Talk about how you're not being selfish like you think you are. So think of a person that you know who you're not sure if they listen to the podcast and then choose an episode that you love that you think they would love and send it along to them. Even if they feel encouraged just from that one episode, both of our work is done. So thank you for doing that, y'all. I mean, I really appreciate it.

Okay, before we go, let's celebrate the lazy genius of the week. This week it's Carolyn Maynard. Carolyn writes this, as much as I'd love to be a minimalist, I am not. I decided a couple of years ago on one brand of clear storage totes. I like that they're clear so I can see what's inside, and that the top latches on securely. I've decided I will only use this brand of totes in only three sizes to store our stuff in our house. Now, no matter where I end up stashing items, they always stack neatly because they all are the same three bins. Major bonus, Walmart carries the totes, so whenever I need new ones, I can just add it to my order and it arrives on my porch with my groceries.

I was just putting away Christmas stuff and was so pleased with how neatly all the boxes, went back into storage. Listen, don't sleep on containers that stack easily. I feel this way with my food containers because they are not all the same brand and they do not stack well in my tuba drawer. Sometimes even though something has a place and we put it there, which is a lazy genius principle,

it can be a frustrating experience because that place is not functioning very well. Something simple, like the same brand of storage containers is honestly such a way, win and one that you wouldn't normally consider. So I love this. Thank you for sharing, Carolyn, and congratulations on being the lazy genius of the week. This podcast is part of the Odyssey family and the Office Ladies Network. This episode is hosted by me, Kendra Adachi, and executive produced by Kendra Adachi, Jenna Fisher, and Angela Kinsey. Special thanks to Leah Jarvis for weekly

production. Thanks y'all for listening. And until next time, be a genius about the things that matter and lazy about the things that don't. I'm Kendra, and I'll see you next week. Have you ever felt like you were living just a B or B plus life, it's so dangerous to live that, more dangerous than a B minus or a C plus life, because when you're living a B or B plus life, you don't change it. You think it's good enough. Is it? I'm Susie Welch. I host a podcast called Becoming You. People think, okay, an A plus life is not available to me, but there is a way. We are all in the process of becoming ourselves. Listen to Becoming You wherever you get your podcasts.