The Lazy Genius Podcast - #69: The Lazy Genius Summer Detox

Episode Date: August 6, 2018

August feels crazy because it is crazy. We're one step into summer, one step into fall, and feel like we're going to fall over. Plus, our kids have been with us for 578 years and we need a break. In this episode, let's reset our minds and change our posture a little. It's okay for motherhood to be hard, but it doesn't have to paint the entire picture. If you're home with kids, this episode is especially for you. Related Info to Check Out: #62: The Lazy Genius Summer Mindset #43: The Lazy Genius and Self-Care #38: The Lazy Genius Practices Thankfulness #13: The Lazy Genius Makes a Friend Download a transcript of this episode   This podcast is hosted by Kendra Adachi and executive produced by Kendra Adachi, Jenna Fischer and Angela Kinsey. To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hi everyone. I'm Kendra and welcome back to the Lazy Genius podcast. I took my summer break. I wrote a book proposal. I went to London and now I am so incredibly excited to be back with you in your earbuds. I will absolutely tell you about both London and the book proposal in a couple of weeks and future episodes. But today is episode number 69, the Lazy Genius Summer Detox. There is something about August. Isn't there? I mean, it's like tech. technically still summer. School is out. The weather is still hot, but our minds are drifting on an imaginary breeze into fall. We really long for the next season, but we also dread it because September is its own kind of new year with fresh starts and cleaned out closets and commitments to all kinds of things we didn't get to do in the summer. Y'all, we need to be smart about this next month. I don't think any of us want to wish an entire month away, but if we aren't intentional about our mindset, this month, this August, will be a pain, which will make September a pain because we're stressed out and we're discontent. And then September has its own challenges without us adding to them.

So in this episode, have I stressed you out enough yet? We're going to settle down. We're going to recognize our need to detox from the summer and we're going to refresh our mindset. Here's what we need to start. We're being tricked. We are being tricked. We still have summer left. but sales on school supplies and even Halloween candy make us think that we need to feel frantic and get everything done right now because fall is already here. But it's a lie. It's a trick. I love Target with all my heart, but I also know that she is sly and she is dramatic. Target wants me to panic so I buy more stuff, but it's all a show. Don't let the newspaper flyers or the other moms who have fallen victim to the newspaper flyers, get you down or make you pay attention to what you're not ready for. It's marketing. It's urgent on purpose and you don't have to give in. For most of us, school doesn't start for at least two more

weeks. So whether you have kids, whether you're a teacher by profession or your morning commute will just soon be populated with school buses again, right now it's still summer. You have time. These next few weeks feel discontent and crazy because I'm our minds are suddenly in October, while our bodies and routines and kids are still in August, wanting to go to the pool and the zoo and trash the house with bubbles and construction paper and stuff. We need to keep our minds and our bodies in the same season. Things will go much more smoothly if we do. Another reason we feel crazy in August is pretty basic. We need a break. We need a break from our kids so hard. Patient mom voice. You guys have that, right? That voice is gone. We have run out of fun

summer supplies. The pool is no longer the novelty it was in June, and everyone feels a little crazy. Mostly you. Here's a quick, practical suggestion. If you are a mom, home with kids in August, lean hard into your friends these next two weeks. Get together often. Take turns letting your kids trash each other's houses. You know those summer plans that we talked about back in May that you like sharpied into your calendar with a ton of pizzazz? Make those now too and invite somebody along. We are really good about our summer intentions in June and July, but for some reason, August, it just kind of gets the shaft. Maybe it's because in our minds, it's technically back to school month, but we still have a solid two or three weeks before that bell rings. Stick with your summer

strategy and stick even harder with friends. You will probably need reinforcements more often and more quickly than you did in June. So text those friends and hang out, even ones who aren't moms with kids, but also especially moms with kids. Now, this is where a big pep talk comes in. And I hesitate, I really do, hesitate to bring it up, but I think there is space and grace for this conversation. here it is try not to bemoan motherhood so much especially around each other i know i'm the worst um but i hope you'll hear a few more words before assuming that i'm trying to shame us all into never thinking that motherhood is hard ever again because that's not the case i'm hoping to remind us all of something super key when it comes to parenting something i forget often what we say and how

we allow our thoughts to unfold deeply affects our daily lives deeply. If we bring resentful energy into our thoughts or into conversations with other moms, it takes root and it starts to feed. We've all been there. We've been in a conversation with a mom or a group of moms where one of them just complains about parenting constantly. And if you currently are enjoying your son's company and have had some really great days with him. You feel like a tool not entering into the complaining, too, with everybody else. Now, here's what I'm not saying. I'm not saying that you can't feel your feelings when it comes to being a mom, especially a tired, introverted one. It's okay to need space and feel crazy and look forward to school starting so that we can pee alone like once in a while,

right? I get it. I live it. It's good and right and normal to feel those things and even say them out loud. But you know where the shift happens in your head, right? You know when you have like a wonky day as a mom. And then you have a conversation with another mom who's also had a wonky day. And your exhausted energies feed off of each other and they soon morph into resentment. Your kid in reality had one tiny breakdown in Target, which was annoying at the time, of course. But you let that energy feed until it's grown to taking over the. entire day. And in your mind, your entire day was the worst because of that one incident. It's happened to me multiple times. I have done this in my head. I've been in these conversations. I have been the one to

start these conversations on many, many occasions. I know so deeply that motherhood, especially when your kids are home with you for what feels like an eternity, I know that it is draining. It is thankless and hard and sticky and full of so much touching. A simple pivot point we have is whether we can conjure up gratitude in those moments. Complaining breeds complaining. I see it in my kids all the time and it happens to me too. And everything becomes the worst and it often stays that way. I do see it in my kids but I don't give myself the same.

encouragement that I do for them. You might have seen a couple of months ago on Instagram that my oldest, Sam, committed to a challenge. He asked me that if he went seven days in a row without complaining, because he complains a lot, that I would buy him as a reward, this huge Lego set he's been asking for. This thing cost 50 bucks. And I had no trouble saying yes to this challenge because I never thought he would do it. It would a million years.

after a few restarts over about three days y'all he went seven entire days without complaining and our home was a different place he was pleasant he was content even when his sister took his toy or he didn't get to eat ice cream like he thought we would or any other incident that would have made him a wreck before he took it in stride like he would even like shrug his shoulders and smile. They're like, no problem, mom. It was miraculous and incredibly eye-opening for me in my own life. When I choose to complain about things that merit complaining, they do, whiny kids, chicken that went bad before I could cook it, an afternoon of tantrums from a two-year-old

who's flexing her emotional muscles really hard right now. When I choose to complain about those things, I get down in the dumps really quickly. I whine about being a mom, even if it's in my own head. I collapse onto the couch when my husband gets home from work and say how hard the day has been and that I just don't want to talk about right now. I become very dramatic. I let that one incident of complaining color the entire day and fuel more complaining. Maybe you have experienced the same thing.

But when I take those exact same moments and I choose gratitude, like even force myself into the tiniest sliver of it, things are different. and I'm not saying you have to compare yourself to starving people in third world countries. I mean, you can. Those people and their circumstances, they matter, and they definitely help us see things in a better light. But it also doesn't always penetrate as deeply as we need it to. We need to be grateful for our specific personal circumstances, not just guilt ourselves into pulling ourselves out of it because at least we're not in the middle of a civil war or something. We don't have to negate our situations or dismiss them.

let's just choose to be grateful inside of them. So if my kids are whiny, rather than freaking out that all they do is wine, I can be grateful that they didn't spend the entire day this way. Because usually they haven't spent the entire day. It's just like 30 minutes. It feels like the entire day. And then I can also be grateful that I have a husband who's in town and not working late and coming home in an hour.

If the chicken is bad, I can be grateful for the emergency frozen pizza I'm about to cook and that my kids certainly are not going to complain about dinner now because they're getting pizza. My two-year-old daughter, she is a piece of work. But in the middle of one of her epic showcases of stubbornness, I could be grateful that one day that resolve will pay off when she is coming into her womanhood in this world. She is not a pushover. And she will passionately affect the people around her, especially if I love her the exact way that she is.

not try to make her not be a strong weld two-year-old. The ride that steals the spotlight every time it hits the road, that's the Volkswagen Tiguan. Its sleek exterior makes a first impression you can't ignore. Step inside to find available full leather seats and wood accents. Under the hood, the available 201 turbocharged horsepower power engine gives it a fun to drive edge. The refined Tiguan, you deserve more style.

Visit vw.w.com. more. S-U-V-W, German-engineered for all. Aw isn't something we need to travel for. It's something waiting for us in everyday life, whether in a city street or a moment with a work of art. I'm Dr. Keltner, host of the Science of Happiness podcast. Join me for Cities of Aw, a special series on how our public spaces can spark awe, wonder, and enhance the quality of public life. You can find us wherever you listen to your podcasts. it could be that you find gratitude in the tiny fact that your kid chose the less annoying

of the two annoying books to read ad nauseum for the entire afternoon. I'm not trying to guilt you into being grateful. This, because that just kind of adds to a fire that you're already trying to put out. We don't need guilt on top of this. What I'm doing is reminding myself and you that a posture of gratitude, it helps us see our tired, overstimulating Augusts. in a slightly better light. Complaining doesn't make you a bad mom. Just like being grateful doesn't make you a good one. This is not a value judgment. You're simply making an energetic choice. What kind of energy would you rather walk around with? That's the question. A few weeks ago, our family made Friday night plans to go to a downtown festival and have dinner there. And I assume

there would be like food trucks or whatever. And even though my kids are weird about any food that is not the color brown, I thought we would risk it. You know, like we're just going to, we're going to do this, man. Well, around 4.30, like just about the time I was planning on getting them geared up to leave, like shoes on, all the things. I checked the website for the festival information, just like last minute. It started at six, not at five, like I thought, well past our usual dinner hour. And I couldn't find a single bit of information about food options. Also, the sky looked like it was about, to open up. So I had to pivot dinner really fast. We were already going to spend money at the festival and it was super late already after a really long day with a whiny toddler. So I ordered Pizza Hut like you

do. A supreme pan pizza will cure many woes, my friends. I picked up the pizzas with one of my kids in tow when my husband got home. And then when we got home, my son and I, the first pizza I opened, it was the pepperoni one for the kids. I got them all dished out, got everybody that their cups of milk. And then I went to get my delightfully greasy and so terrible. It's so good Supreme Pan Pizza. I opened the box and the crust was wrong. It was a Supreme Pizza, but it was not that amazing pan crust that is the only thing that makes pizza out worth it. I looked at the receipt. I was convinced that they'd given me the wrong pizza. But now, I ordered, I ordered the wrong crust. And I burst into tears.

burst into tears. I was whispering profanities. I literally fell into my husband's arms and I started sobbing and whispering profanities. It was like I'd been fired from a job. I was drowning in brokenness. It was so ridiculous. And part of me, like I was kind of laughing at myself a little bit. I mean, I realized how ridiculous I was being. This was not a rational reaction to an incorrect pizza crust, but I felt it so deeply. It happens. We feel extreme injustice and exhaustion in the tiniest of situations, especially when we have had a day, when we've categorized it in our head that we've had a day of whiny or a day

of challenge or whatever it might be, even though it might be like an incident every hour or two. Or maybe it has been a whole day. Either way, it doesn't really matter. we get to decide how to handle the energy that comes off of that situation. In that moment, I had a choice to be in the pit of despair, like my beloved Anne Charlie, or she says depths of despair. Depths of despair, yeah.

So I could be in the depths of despair or I could choose gratitude. Guess what I was grateful for. I was grateful that I could get back in my car and drive back to pizza after the right pizza. Y'all, I ordered another pizza online and I drove in my car to go go. get it and it was worth every penny and every drop of gas. Gratitude doesn't always mean that you just suck it up and deal. My family, we're not wealthy by any stretch, but I was so grateful in that moment that we could spend another 12 bucks on a pizza that brought an irrational level of joy once we ate it. My husband, he still ate the other one because he doesn't think there's such a thing as a bad

pizza, but I'm not that giving. I'm not into that. I tell you this really silly story to show you that choosing gratitude, it doesn't have to look as holy as we often make it out to be. I think it's does lead to something sacred, though. It helps us see better. It exercises that muscle of choosing to see something to be grateful for, even if the situation ends in a like perfectly frivolous extra pizza. So this month, when you're alone and when you're with other moms, I want you to think about the energy you're bringing into your situation. What kind of energy leaves you and maybe others feeling full and glad you spent time together. Now, I'm not trying to paint you in a corner with an answer here.

Like, okay, well, choose good energy. Like, I'm not trying to trick you. Sometimes we need to vent. That is real and that is necessary and good. But maybe we can see our situation a little bit differently. It's like, I tell my six-year-old, tell yourself true things. he will like his little sister will take a toy from his hand and he will collapse into a heap on the ground and he will say I'll never get to play with my toy Gordon again and I'm like baby is that a true thing can you tell yourself true things never really never I don't do the never really never at the end but that's what I'm thinking like come on man but I do that too right I do that too we all do so I'm going to tell all of us what I tell my six year old we need to tell ourselves true things And remember that you might have a friend, or you might be the friend, who's been genuinely

happy this summer with her kids. It can be really hard to feel positive about your life and not know how to bring that into a conversation without sounding like you think you're better than everyone. There is space for all of us and what we're going through. Recognize that you can offer your energy whatever it is. You don't have to be a mom who never complains. and you don't have to be a mom who complains constantly. We think it's one or the other, and we assign improper value to both.

If a mom is positive all the time, we feel guilty that we're not like that, and also think she must be lying because no mom can be that way for real. And if a mom complains all the time, it's draining, but maybe it's like some sort of badge of honor. Motherhood is really hard, so we should always act like it's really hard, right? You see how we swing to the extremes? We do it in so many areas, and mother gets the hit, too. in this. So I really hope that this is an encouragement to you. There is space to complain.

There is space to feel like you can't do this anymore. Like you're just done. Yesterday, I saw a woman walking her dog down the street and I immediately assumed she was single without kids and I thought, man, that's the life. Like you guys, she was just alone walking her dog. And I assumed all these things about her life and about my own, right? I compared it so fast. But I didn't meet that thought with guilt. I laughed at the truth of how I felt in that split second. And then I thought, you know, I can't imagine a different life. But I'm so glad I chose this one. Just turn it, just a little bit. Don't bear your feelings. Don't feel terrible when you want to hide in the closet or maybe actually like literally hide in the closet. It's all normal and it has its place. I am.

simply personally, desiring for myself and for you a posture of cultivating gratitude because a grateful energy is such a richer gift than when I stay in the dark places of being discontent. And I don't like being there. I don't like feeling that way.

If you don't either, I hope that this episode gives you courage and freedom, not shame. If it does bring shame, I receive that. It is not my intention by a long shot. But just because I didn't intend to bring hurt

doesn't mean that that hurt doesn't count. It does. So please receive my apology. If you feel anything less than freedom in what I've said, there is space for everyone, wherever we all are. So let's pay attention to our energy this month.

Let's not let Target trick us into moving faster than we need to. Let's stick with our people and lean hard into asking for help. And let's try and find gratitude in even the tiniest places. All of your feelings count. Just be aware of what you choose to let stick around. I appreciate you listening. And I'm so happy to be back with you. I'd like to say that I have a lot of awesome things planned for the fall, but I'm not going to do that. One, because I don't want to make you look ahead farther than this month.

And two, because I don't actually know what's coming this fall on the podcast. I am trying to not freak out about the next season before this one is over either. trying to live it too. So I trust that we will have a great, a great fall and lots of things to talk about over the next few months, but for now, I am just glad that you listened today. I see you sharing these episodes with your people, and it is such an honor to bring a little lazy genius into your days. I plan on being live on Instagram this Thursday, like usual, now that we're back to it, around 12.15 Eastern, but fair warning, it's still summer and my kids are still home. So it might look a little different than it did before the summer started. We will see.

But I hope that you can join me on Instagram regardless. It is the only social media platform that I really spend time on personally. So come hang out with me there. I'm at the lazy genius. I am so grateful that you listen today, friends. I'm Kendra. And until next time, be a genius about things that matter and lazy about the things that don't. I'll see you next week. Have you ever felt like you are living just a B or B plus life, it's so dangerous to live that, more dangerous than a B minus or a C plus life, because when you're living a B or B plus life, you don't change it. You think it's good enough. Is it? I'm Susie Welch. I host a podcast called Becoming You. People think, okay, an A plus life is not available to me, but there is a way. We are all in the process of

becoming ourselves. Listen to Becoming You wherever you get your podcasts.