The Lazy Genius Podcast - #87 The Lazy Genius Guide to Flexibilty

Episode Date: December 10, 2018

The holidays can be tough, especially when it comes to managing our expectations when making memories. It doesn’t take much to turn our meticulously planned, yet festive holiday light display route into an awkward car ride with a crying toddler and hot chocolate that’s basically chocolate milk. This week, I’m offering three steps to help you detach your personal value from memory-making success which will help manage the holiday stress. Helpful Links Sign up for my monthly newsletter roundup of all the things I’m loving. If you’re still feeling overwhelmed, listen to The Lazy Genius Rests if you need space in your soul and The Lazy Genius Creates a Holiday Sabbath if you need space in your schedule. Need a calendar overhaul? Read How to Plan Your Holiday Calendar and then embrace the ebb and flow of all the holidays by listening to The Lazy Genius Conquers Holiday Overwhelm and create those opening and closing ceremonies you’ve heard me talk about. Download a transcript of this episode! This podcast is hosted by Kendra Adachi and executive produced by Kendra Adachi, Jenna Fischer and Angela Kinsey. To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices

You're listening to the lazy genius podcast. I'm Kendra and I'm here to help you be a genius about the things that matter and lazy about the things that don't. Today is episode 87. The lazy genius guide to flexibility. It's getting really close to Christmas and it is safe to assume that things aren't always going to go according to plan. Schedules change. Family members are late to gatherings. That really bothers you. You are late to gatherings and maybe that bothers you too. A kid gets sick and make you. I make a lot of. You're late to gatherings and maybe that bothers you too. A kid gets sick and make you. you miss that one holiday activity that you've been really looking forward to. The cookies you bake are disgusting. A fight breaks out during a Christmas, Christmas light drive. Like so many things can happen that derail our plans and our expectations. So right now, you might be a little bit nervous about these next couple of weeks, nervous that you won't make the memories that you are so hoping to make. I believe that by the end of this episode, you will move from nervousness to confidence. not confidence in perfect holiday plans, but confidence that you can still experience relational connection, even if your holiday plans don't work out.

I used to take every hiccup in our plans very personally for years, and now I see them simply for what they are. It's a plan that didn't work out. It's okay, and it's normal to be disappointed with those things, but I hope that some perspective can help that disappointment, not leach into everything and make you hate to So in this episode, we're going to get there together with three simple steps toward flexibility. First, though, I would love to remind you about my mailing list. I sent out a newsletter. I send one out every month with like personal stuff for me that I don't really share right away or maybe even at all

with the big internet. I share book and podcast recommendations, all the fun things. This past month, I actually announced something super exciting to the mailing list that I still haven't shared with Instagram or said here on the podcast. And I'm not going to yet because it's not time, but it really is a fun email to get because you get literal first word news. There are some really exciting things coming at the start of the year. So I would love for you to go ahead and join that mailing list before things in your life get too crazy.

So you don't miss out on the next couple of newsletters that will most definitely make you a genius about the things that matter and lazy about the things that don't. So you can click the link in your podcast app or head to the lazy jeaniescollective.com slash join to join the mailing list today. All right. Let's talk flexibility. If you want to feel confident in your scheduling choices, but also okay when they don't work out, this episode is for you. We've all been there. You plan something you're super excited about and then something gets in the way. Or maybe you you plan something that you are super excited about, but your people don't seem to be as excited as you are and you feel small. If it were up to you and you alone, I bet all of your plans would happen

most of the time. But our plans aren't always up to us and us alone. There are a lot of people at play, especially around Christmas. It's also easy to let those failed plans make us feel like a failure, like we're the failure. Other families put on pajamas and they get thermos of hot chocolate and they drive around looking at Christmas lights, but your two-year-old isn't a fan of the car and starts crying, which sets off your second grader. He goes into a spiral of anxiety, which causes you to start yelling for everyone to just calm down

and have a good time. And then your husband, who tolerates your love of Christmas music, but is not a fan himself, is seething a little bit because the background to all of this family bonding is Justin Bieber talking about mistletoe. It's just too much. I have not lived at at all.

That is not a picture. of my own life at all. But it is really easy to feel like a failure when those kinds of plans that seem to work for everyone else when they don't work out for you. You feel dumb. You feel unappreciated. And it's just kind of all waste of time. So it feels like making memories is for the birds.

That's kind of how it feels. Now, I know how hard you work to make those plans. I know how hard you worked to find the best neighborhoods with the best lights. How you figured out how early you needed to make. the hot chocolate so it was like basically chocolate milk since your kids have tongues made of tissue paper and think everything is too hot you worked hard to make this experience an easy one for everyone and it still didn't work out it is so frustrating and disappointing i have been there many times i mentioned before that i used to take all of this really personally i internalized failed plans

as my failure as a person and all that did was distract me from connection but he Here's the good news. When we detach our personal value from holiday scheduling and memory making success, we're better equipped to be flexible and roll with change when it comes. Okay, so I said there were three steps to flexibility. I mean, I'm sure there are more, but these are the three I made up. So here they are. Step one.

See plans as intentions, not as pass fail. See plans as intentions, not as past fail. we give plans too much power y'all if they don't work out and that does it we are out throw in the towel all the things we're the worst everything's the worst if you want to be a genius about the things that matter and lazy about the things that don't you want to be a genius about making personal connections and you want to be lazy about making the perfect schedule i think that we can all agree on that by seeing plans simply as intentions it automatically puts us in a mind frame of flexibility because we're not marry to a particular result.

We're setting an intention for something to happen without the pressure of it working or not. Now, certain plans you need them to work. Architecture. Spinal surgery. Spacecraft trajectories. Clearly, there are instances where plans are definitely pass-fail. But going to see Santa has a little more wiggle room than getting a satellite into orbit. And it's not just that your plan isn't past fail. You aren't pass-fail either.

Again, your value as a person has nothing to do with how well you pull off your holiday schedule, with how intentional you are about your holiday Sabbath, or how much you love traditions and memories. You can love tradition. You can make plans. You can value connection during this time of year. But how well you pull them off, how much your family gets on board with your plans, how many memories you make, none of it affects your value as a person. You are not pass, fail. you can personally set an intention for yourself too to be flexible and open to whatever happens without blasting yourself for things not going a particular way. So step one, see plans as intentions,

not as past fail. Aw, isn't something we need to travel for. It's something waiting for us in everyday life, whether in a city street or a moment with a work of art. I'm Dr. Keltner, host of the Science of Happiness podcast. me for Cities of Aw A special series on how our public spaces can spark awe, wonder, and enhance the quality of public life. You can find us wherever you listen to your

podcasts. Step two. Recognize that your attitude is a lightning rod both ways. This is a really hard one for me. I'm not great at hiding how I'm feeling about something. It's usually all over my face

and everybody knows. I'm unhappy. So in that Christmas lights example, you know, which I obviously made up and is not from personal experience at all, when I literally yell from the front seat and my kids to chill out and have fun and make memories, clearly that's not going to go very far making memories. Like, except maybe memories of holiday trauma that they'll want to talk to me about when they're adults. But in that same scenario, if I release my expectation of a past, fail Christmas light experience

and allow my attitude to remain fluid and positive as much as I can. It's not that the baby will stop crying or that the kid won't have a breakdown or that my husband will magically start liking Christmas music, but it will help me stay calm first so that I can lead with connection and patience rather than shattered expectations. It might take pulling over on the side of the road to calm down the baby and help the bigger kids settle, but they'll use my attitude as a reference point for how to feel.

Little kids do that. It's that thing when a kid falls down and they look to their mom or dad or teacher to see if they should cry about it or not. Our attitudes are lightning rods both ways. And that's not just the kids. If you are with your extended family, for example, going out for your annual breakfast at a local restaurant and there was a misunderstanding about who was supposed to make the reservation.

So there isn't one. and your family has to wait 45 minutes to be seated. The person who grumbles and complains about how long it's taking, who comments on how quickly the wait staff is working or how slowly they're working, and he hopes that they don't get that waitress or like any number of negative things. That attitude tends to shape everyone else's attitude. It's hard to be positive and flexible around negative and flexible people. I'm not saying that you can like Pollyanna,

the situation to make everyone break into song while you wait for a take. table, but choosing to have an attitude of flexibility, it creates its own lightning rod. It attracts the people in your family who don't want to be bummed out either. And it offers them an invitation to wait with a good attitude and maybe have fun in the process. So step one, see plans as intentions, not as pass fail. And step two, recognize that your attitude is a lightning rod both ways. And now, step three, make a plan B. A lot of times we try and do this first before we're feeling flexibility and all it does is create another situation where we're unhappy like don't start being practically flexible until you're on your way to being emotionally flexible well we will gonna

we'll go back to the Christmas lights in the car scenario all right so if I were to make a plan B before I release feelings of failure and before I tap into how my attitude is affecting everyone else I'm just carrying unhappy children into another plan where they're going to be unhappy but if we drive a couple of blocks where everyone is breaking down but while I'm taking deep breaths and I'm getting my ish together then we can stop and make a plan B if the baby doesn't want to be in the car and it's obviously super close to her bedtime anyway maybe we pull onto a super decorated street and get out of the car assuming we're not going to freeze to death and we're just going to walk one street instead of driving down a dozen or maybe my expectations for a full family

experience just aren't going to cut it this time and that's okay so our plan be in that moment when we release those expectations is to just take the baby home for bed and then my husband who can take her leave Christmas anyway he'll stay home with her while I take the boys out even later than before which feels a little special and they get to see the lights they wanted to see and all the thing it's not the ideal but remember that plan was an intention it wasn't a pass fail it didn't work out the way hoped but that doesn't mean it can't work out at all so plan B's are really great just consider making them when you're not yelling at somebody like think think about how you can make them once you have lived through the moment and you have released your own value on yourself and on your people

and your expectations and all that things all those things so hold like have a plan B it's okay to have a plan B but don't hold it the same way you hold your plan A because it's just going to be it another failed plan B and then plan C is you drinking wine in a closet when you get home. So before we go, let's talk about how you can start to think about this right now. Look at your calendar for this next week and release your hope of perfection for the specific plans that you have made. You might even look at one or two things coming up that have the potential to change. So you could consider like a quick plan B for some of those. Like, oh, well, if this doesn't work, we could do this.

you know, just kind of have those in your back pocket with that release, that, that posture of connection and release. And plan that before you are neck deep in crying children and disappointed mother-in-laws and stomach bugs and broken down cars or whatever else is going to derail an otherwise lovely plan. Remember, it is all about intention for your plans and for yourself. Okay, now here's what I don't want. I don't want you to be in the middle of December 28th, annoyed and exhausted, and aching for January to get here. There's nothing wrong with loving the simplicity that January brings. I love it too.

But if you carry the sole scurry of unmet expectations from December into January, you'll feel inflexible about new years and new starts too. So for this week and next week and the week after, remember that flexibility really is your friend. That sounds really cheesy, but it is. Flexibility is your friend in this. It allows you to release expectations while you're still inside the experience. It allows you to enjoy whatever is happening right now in front of you, whether it looks the way you wanted it to or not.

It's okay to have hopes. It is okay to make plans. It's okay to be disappointed when they don't work out. But that disappointment doesn't have to affect how you see the rest of the experience or the rest of the holidays themselves. I hope that you do feel more confident and being flexified. and enjoying these next couple of weeks with gracious intention towards your plans,

towards your people, and towards yourself. And just as a heads-up, we are not going to be doing any Instagram lives for the rest of the month because we are going to hang out with our people and we're going to do our thing for the rest of the year and we're going to be really excited

about all the Christmas things. And then I'm looking forward to opening up Instagram on December 29th when all of you were losing your minds. All of you with little kids are losing your minds like, why are we still here? When is school started? That always happens. This is always my favorite. It's so funny. Everyone's like, all right, we're done. This charade is over. But we are not going to have lives for the rest of the month on Instagram. I'll still be on Instagram at the lazy genius. So I would love for you to follow me there. But in terms of like official Thursday lives, we're just going to enjoy our Thursday lives, aren't we, for the rest of the

month. And if you have any questions about this episode or about anything, you can leave them, you can leave them in the comments on the episode show notes, which is the lazy genius collective.com slash lazy slash flexibility. You can also DM me on Instagram. I'm at the lazy genius. And you can also join the mailing list. And you can reply to any of the emails that you get from me there. And you can do that again at the lazy genius collective.com slash join. Thank you for spending this time with me today. And I really sincerely hope that your holidays are filled with soulful flexibility and with grace when that flexibility has a hard time showing up. I get it.

I'm so thankful. So thankful for every single one of you that listens and shares and encourages me with your messages and your emails. I love the space so much. So thank you for like being the reason it happens, like the literal reason it happens. I'm Kendra. And until next time, be a jeezing. about the things that matter and lazy about the things that don't. See you next time, guys. If you ever felt like you were living just a B or B plus life, it's so dangerous to live that.

More dangerous than a B minus or a C plus life because when you're living a B or B plus life, you don't change it. You think it's good enough. Is it? I'm Susie Welch. I host a podcast called Becoming You. People think, okay, an A plus life is not available to me, but there is a way. We are all in the process of becoming ourselves. Listen to Becoming You wherever you get your podcasts.