The Lazy Genius Podcast - #92 - Finding a Bedtime Routine For Kids

Episode Date: January 21, 2019

This week’s topic is one of the most frequently requested topics I’ve received via Instagram DMS and emails, but I know it’s not for everyone at this point in time. If you don’t have kids or they don’t give you trouble at bedtime, feel free to skip this one. But if you do have trouble at bedtime, I go through all the details of our kids’ bedtimes and what works for us and what doesn’t. Helpful Links If you don’t have a need for this episode, try listening to The Popcast with Knox and Jamie, The Next Right Thing by Emily P. Freeman, or What Should I Read Next with Anne Bogel. Download my super helpful eBook The Swap all month long to help you make a clear path through your stuff. Routine Roundup Links: Morning Routine, Evening Routine, Skincare Routine, Exercise Routine, Cleaning Routine, etc. If you’re having a hard time getting your little ones to brush their teeth, try listening to Gimlet Media’s Chompers. Two-minute podcast episodes that tell jokes or short stories that are great for kids and holds their attention while they brush. Here’s a similar alarm clock that we use that lights up green when it’s time for the kids to wake up/leave their rooms. Join me on Instagram on Thursday around 12:15 p.m. EST for my weekly LIVE discussion. Download a transcript of this episode! This podcast is hosted by Kendra Adachi and executive produced by Kendra Adachi, Jenna Fischer and Angela Kinsey. To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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or the van that's gone from just practical to practically family. Whatever you want, wherever you're going, start your search at ototrater.ca, Canada's car marketplace. You're listening to the lazy genius podcast. I'm Kendra, and I'm here to help you be a genius about the things that matter and lazy about the things that don't. This is episode 92, finding a bedtime routine for kids. This is a very niche episode. So if you don't have little kids, I hope you have a lovely day and have a lovely time listening to the next podcast that starts playing in your ears.

Might I recommend if you're looking for recommendations, the podcast with Knox Jamie for Pop Culture Good Times, the next right thing with Emily P Freeman to help you make decisions with soul. And what should I read next with Anne Bogle to help you figure out what to read next. Those are three of my favorites. And also, before you go, if you don't have kids, hang tight for a quick second, Don't forget that you have just another week to buy the swap, which is the lazy genius guide to decluttering for life. It's a short little ebook that offers a clear path through your stuff and it keeps you from burning your house down when you just want to start over.

So check out the show notes for the link or go to store. Dot the lazy genius collective.com and check out the swap. Okay. So if you don't have kids, love you. Bye. On to today's episode, if you do, kids bedtime routines. for those of you with little kids, you have asked about this many times on Instagram and email. So let's do it.

Let's jump into this. The irony of my talking about this today is that our family is in a major bedtime routine situation with my two-year-old Annie. I will get into some details about that here in a second. But I'm not an expert in this by any stretch. I will, however, try and give you some ways to think about your kids going to bed and how you can set the whole. whole family up for goodness and rest by asking a few specific questions, no matter what your kids' ages are. Because there are a lot of layers to the struggle with getting our kids to bed, the routine aspect, it can be a little shameful. Even if we aren't doing it a certain way,

or if our kids are like just beasts when it comes to getting them done for bed, we feel like we're doing something wrong as parents. Now, I do think that having some consistency in some degree helps our kids and us rest well, helps them learn responsibility and expectations and how to brush their own teeth. I mean, you guys, the teeth. How are they still surprised when it's time to brush their teeth? I don't understand. We do this every night. But routines, they can be really, really helpful in that. As adults, we usually love routine. I've done episodes on a morning routine, an evening routine, an exercise routine, a cleaning routine, all the routines.

Side note, if you love routines and you did not know that those episodes existed, you're welcome. And I will put links to them in the show notes. Or you can just scroll through the archives and you can check out the titles. They're very descriptive titles. But the point, though, is that we love routines and find a lot of value in them as adults. So we know there's a lot of value in them for our kids too. routine, which I think that's why we feel a lot of pressure about them, because routines are

signals. They are like little helpful, like starting buttons that tell our kids, very energetic spirits that like, it's bedtime now. Everybody stop jumping on the furniture. It's like that little trigger to start a new process to start slowing down and going to bed. So you could be in a, in a variety of places with us. You might have a tiny baby and you know that bedtime. routines will eventually be very important. You could be in the thick of it with toddlers and wonder if there's something missing. Maybe there's a better way that you could do this where you feel a little less crazy. You might have like older elementary age kids or even teenagers.

And this whole bedtime routine is like super weird because your kids go to bed later than you do now. There are a lot of nuances and individual needs in every family. But there's one thing that is universal for all of us who are. responsible for a kid, and that is this. You're not doing anything wrong. As adults, we try and create these systems around stressful times, like bedtime, so that it's for control, so that we can convince ourselves that we're doing it right, especially for this, that like our kids are going to sleep when they're supposed to, and they're having or not having the right amount of screen time, or reading the right books and the right number of books and properly learning how to

spit out their toothpaste instead of swallowing it and all the things. We put a lot of pressure on bedtime and have a hard time trusting our own selves when it comes to making decisions about our kids. We ask friends what time their kids go to bed to see if our times line up. And then we feel like parental trash when we see a kid younger than ours reading books out loud when like your son still thinks that LMNOP is one letter. We have this self-inflicted. pressure and then we have other mom pressure as well. It's really a lot to carry. And the good news is you don't have to. You don't have to carry it. I recently had a friend tell me that she is afraid of having kids, not because of having the actual kid, but because of other moms. She's not afraid of

being a mother, but of being a mother in front of other mothers. That's tough. That's really tough, y'all. Moms are so hard on each other or can be, even in the tiniest, most nuanced ways. that's usually kind of the worst even. And bedtime is one of those places where judgment it can land pretty hard. Like if you hear another mother say something about her kid's bedtime and how they must be in bed by 730 because all kids need that much sleep to function. But your kid who's the same age doesn't go to bed until 8.30, you've already lost. You're doing it differently and therefore you're doing it wrong.

So here is the first thought about your kid's bedtime routine. There is not a universal rule. or routine or bedtime or any of it. There's not a set standard that you must meet, even though everyone is trying to get as close to it as they can. But guess what? Like in a lot of other areas, we're chasing an invisible finish line. It just doesn't exist. You might see a kid that's at the age of your kid who's out at the grocery store with his mom two hours after your kid went to bed. And let's be honest, you might think, what kind of mother is that? Get your kid in bed. but maybe she's a single mom who works late and can only grocery shop at night and doesn't have

access to a sitter or a grandmother or anyone to watch her kid and so the kid goes along too and maybe that's one of the few times she gets to be with her son at all or maybe her kid just doesn't need as much sleep we never know the whole story no one ever knows your whole story and because there's not a universal rule or story when it comes to putting our kids to bed. it doesn't even matter that we don't know the whole story. It shouldn't matter at all. Let's just show grace to each other to parents who are doing it differently than we are, just as we hope that grace is extended to us when we do it differently than someone else. Different doesn't mean wrong on their part or on ours. It just is. So wherever you are with your own kids' bedtime

situation, just know that you know your kids better than I do, or your neighbor does, or the lady in Target does. You don't need anyone's permission to make reasonable decisions for your kids like when and how they go to bed. You don't need me to tell you that the specifics of what you're doing are okay. But maybe you do need me to tell you that you're okay. You can trust yourself as a caretaker when it comes to your kids. That's the bottom line. Now I'm not saying that you can't ask for advice or feedback from other moms, but if you're really struggling with something regarding your kids and their bedtimes, ask a mom that you trust who doesn't judge and who parents in a way that you admire

because her feedback might actually encourage you. It could even be logistically helpful because it makes sense in the scheme of your own life. It's like my advice in a lot of other areas of having just one guru. Start with one voice you admire rather than gathering like all the information. from a million different voices and then trying to sift through what makes sense. Choose one voice, one mom, one parenting guru, who you admire and who parents the way that you deeply desire to. Not necessarily the way you think you should.

Those are often two different things. So there's not a standard to meet. And you can trust your instinct when it comes to your kid. Okay. Now, let's jump into the practical side of this. If you're interested in building some kind of bedtime routine for your kids, a helpful place to start is the time on the clock. What actual time do you want your kids to be in bed in an ideal world? And second question, is it important for that time to be consistent? Consistency might not be as important or even doable based on your family schedule.

It depends on who you are and what your kids need. So recognize that part of it now. In general, if you're shooting for a basic bedtime routine, start with the end. Start with when you want them in bed and the lights out and you on the couch with a book or whatever it is and reverse engineer from there. I'm not about to tell you a good ballpark bedtime for kids because first I don't know the answer. And second, I don't think there is one, truly. And you'll probably feel differently with your first kid and your second or your third or your sixth. A bedtime that you choose for one kid, it might not be the bedtime you choose for another kid that was that same age in your same family.

It all changes. It's all fluid and okay to change things based on what makes sense. But by starting from the end, you can back up all the things you'd like to do in a bedtime routine, both for their bodies and their sweet little souls. you get to choose the pieces of what goes into the routine. For example, brushing teeth, changing into pajamas, a bath or a shower, reading, screen time, homework, making lunches for the next day, singing a song, braiding hair, asking a specific question at the end of every day. There are a ton of things. But knowing what you want to do, choosing those things and knowing your general time frame within which those things can happen, it will help. you as you build your routine. Now the easiest way to establish routine and the expectation

of routine is in small steps. It's doing one small thing that builds on another small thing you're already doing. If you have a little baby or little little kids, having even the most basic routine will give you something to build on as they get older when you might incorporate more than you do now. So just be patient. That's the most important thing. Be patient with the process and with your kids. I know you just want them to brush their teeth already. I get it. Oh, my word.

But a routine doesn't mean that there won't be complaining or crazy energy or whiny moods. Routine is there no matter how you or your kids are acting. And remember that your goal in this, it isn't perfection. It is connection. Connection, not perfection. Okay. So pick the actual lights out time. think about what you want to happen before that,

and then put them in an order that makes sense. Amazon presents Jeff versus Taco Truck Salsa, whether it's Verde, Roja, or the orange one. For Jeff, trying any salsa is like playing Russian roulette with a flamethrower. Luckily, Jeff saved with Amazon and stocked up on antacids, ginger tea, and milk. Habaniero?

More like Habinier Yes. Save the Everyday with Amazon. Aw isn't something we need to travel for. It's something waiting for us in everyday life, whether in a city street or a moment with a work of art. I'm Dr. Keltner, host of the Science of Happiness podcast. Join me for Cities of Aw, a special series on how our public spaces can spark awe, wonder, and enhance the quality of public life. You can find a wherever you listen to your podcasts. And here's where I will share our current kid bedtime routine to give you a sense of how it can be put together, not how it should, but how it can.

I have three kids. Sam is nine and in third grade. Ben is seven and in first grade. And Annie is two and thinks she is a teenager. She is a hot mess, y'all. We are in it with her right now. And then let me tell you a little bit about the needs of my kids because that's very important for you as you choose what to do with your kids.

You have to, it's all different. Everybody's different. So Sam, my oldest, he has never needed a lot of sleep. I used to beat myself up like crazy because, especially as like a new mom with just the one kid. Oh, it's just awful. Because I thought it was something wrong with me. But ever since he was a baby, he's always slept a solid two to four hours less a day

than what the experts said he needed for his age. when he was a baby, his naps were short and sporadic, and his demeanor never changed because of it. It wasn't like he was overtired and cranky. He just didn't need a lot of sleep to function, and he would get mad just like having to lie there awake. And that's still the case. So Sam does best if he's asleep by nine. So we shoot for being out of his room with the light off by 845, which I don't know. That might seem super late for a third grader or super early. I don't know your life. I just know mine. but it works for us. Ben, my middle kid, he loves sleep and he does better the more that he gets. We are out of his room by 8.30 and it used to be closer to 8, but he has Jan Brady middle kid syndrome. He hates being in the middle and he would get upset that Sam got to stay up later, even though Ben really loves to sleep.

So we pushed his time a little later because it wasn't that big of a deal. and because, and this is relevant too, our boys have those alarm clocks that light up that tells them what it's okay to get out of bed in the morning. And they've had them for years. So their alarm clocks light up at 636 every morning and even on the weekends. Ben often sleeps past his light. And I have to wake him up for breakfast in school, which is fine. And then Sam is almost always awake at least like a half an hour.

before his light even turns on. I will come out into like the living room, which is closer to where his bedroom is for my own morning routine around like 5.45 or 6 and he'll pop his head out of his room with this like creepy like, hi mom. It can be very startling. But the boys have a rule that they can't come out of their rooms until the green light comes on. But if they wake up, when the first number is a six, they can turn their light on and read until their green light on their alarm comes on. They can tell time now, but when they couldn't, that first number rule really helped. Like, if it's not a six, you cannot turn your light on. So, again, our kids need and want different amounts of sleep, which affects their bed times.

And with Annie, we are in quite a power struggle with her right now. Her bedtime, it is somewhere between 7 and 7.30, depending on how well she napped that afternoon and what time she got up in the morning. She does not have a light up alarm yet. So she might get up at six. She might get up at eight. It's kind of the worst, but we are dealing. But 7.30 is the general aim for when she is in bed.

So that is where we end. That is where we reverse engineer from. 845 for Sam. 8.30 for Ben, 7.30 for Annie. Now for what's included, our kids do baths and showers at night. We always have reading time. The boys get a little screen time and like play a video game or watch those. stupid YouTube videos where kids open up toys and play with them. I don't understand. Um,

and then like basic teeth brushing and stuff. So, and that's it. So knowing that that's what's included, knowing our end times, and we back it up, this is our family bedtime routine that we have added on and kind of moved around over the years and this is what works for us. So it all starts around 630. We have finished dinner. We've kind of cleaned up the kitchen a bit. Um, and everybody's like just hanging out. The official start of bedtime routine is taking vitamins. Annie gets the container of gummy vitamins. My husband, Cause, he dishes them out, and then we're off to the races. That's our trigger. That's like our starting pistol. Vitamins. And I should say too that my husband is home for bedtime routines, which I realize isn't the case for everybody, but we tag team this

process together. So around 630, I take Annie, cause takes the boys, and it's time for everybody to get clean. In one bathroom, I give Annie a bath and in another bathroom, Cause helps the boys with showers. They can shower themselves mostly, but without supervision, they just like stay in there forever and never actually remember to wash themselves. So he's more working on that. If your family only has one bathroom, that affects how you handle bedtime, right? You might have to start earlier and stagger or have some kids get clean in the mornings, others in the evenings. It's Tetris. It's all logistical tetras and you can do it. Just know what you need, work with what you have, and reverse engineer from that end time. Okay, so once Annie is done, we, with her bath,

we head into the bathroom where the boys are and everybody kind of brushes their teeth and sometimes the kids need their hair dried and all that stuff and that all happens together. And we can do that because our bathroom used to be a tiny bedroom, which makes it a big bathroom. When we moved into our house, there wasn't a master bathroom, but there was this random little office bedroom next to it, which we converted. So we can all comfortably hang out in the bathroom. Now, don't force a routine to exist in a space that's not comfortable for everyone at the same time if that doesn't work for you. Make it work for you. It's just putting the right pieces in the right places and not just being annoyed that you don't have what you wish you had. Okay, so I try to be back

in Annie's room with her by seven on most nights. We are currently trying to potty train for the love. So we'll try and pee on the potty, which sometimes happens immediately. Sometimes it takes 20 minutes. I'm trying to have to pull my hair out. And sometimes not at all. It's such a blast. Then we will get her diaper and pajamas on and she reads a book. It used to be that we read several books, but we've gotten it down to one just because she's a milker. And she's a milker. And she's a She keeps pushing with book after book after book. She's also getting into longer books now, so more than one, it just takes forever. Now, I am happy to read her book after book in the daytime, but not as much at night because

I want her to go to sleep, so I can be alone. So we read a book from her little book basket in her room, and then ideally she turns on her sound machine, she turns off her light, and I lift her into her new big girl bed. We are currently, like I said, we are in a past. her struggle with her because she has gotten to where she refuses to do this set of things to actually get into bed. She won't turn on her sound, which is kind of the start of everything in her room. And if I do it, she's all like, I do it on my own, but then won't actually do it. So real talk, we've been in a bit of a struggle with her lately. It used to work okay.

The struggle because she couldn't get out of her bed. It was too high. But now she's figured out how to get out of bed. So we can't just leave her. So we've had nights recently of having to literally sit at the end of her bed so she can't physically get out while she just screams. She won't lie down and let herself be tucked in. Yeah, she's very too right now. But we're trying to be extremely consistent with the other things, with the expectations that happen at bedtime. So she knows that this is what this means. You know, this is when we start the sound, when we do this think like it's time for bed. I'm hopeful that she will start giving in sooner because we've had nights in the last week

or two where it's like a screaming process for like over an hour and it's so hard. But it won't always be like that. And that's true for you too. Sometimes the routine is there to help with kids who love creating their own boundaries and are looking for the line to break. So staying consistent, it does help in communicating to them that you mean business, that you love them, but you mean. business and they're not in charge and they have to go to bed. She is very, she's very independent.

She's a very independent two-year-old, which will serve her well one day. It does not serve her super well right now going to bed, but it will eventually. And she does love to sleep and be cozy, so I'm hoping it gets better soon. So on nights that are regular, where she goes to bed without a fight, I'm out of her room around 7.30, which is our goal time, right? And the boys are done getting ready for bed and are having their screen time. remember you choose what you want to choose and we choose screen time and that's okay so they get screen time until a few minutes before eight um if they focus on their showers and teeth and stuff sometimes they get as much as a half an hour with screen time if they don't it might be 10 minutes

the end time is what's set not the total time so it's not like they get 20 minutes of screen time every night it's like no they have to turn off any screen time by five minutes till eight and at this point the house is tidy the dishwasher is running and cause and i are parked in the living room him with his twitter and me with my book we usually have candles lit in the living room because ever since we lost power for a few days during hurricane michael our boys have become obsessed with evenings by candlelight it's so cute so after their screen time is over they come into a calm candlelit living room where both of their parents are and everybody usually gets a book or something quiet and just reads. Ben will even sometimes just lie there under a blanket with a smile on his

face and he'll say something about how the whole family's together, which is his favorite. He just, he loves that. So we don't correct him that Annie isn't there because, you know, he's kind of in a tricky relationship right now with his little sister. We don't force him. It is not uncommon for him to reference how he wishes she had never been born. So that's happening right now. it's fine um sometimes if there is a like a big game on we're a big sports family we'll have the game on tv but with the sound off um and that isn't because like sound is bad for everyone across the board but because sam my oldest he gets easily jacked up on stimulation and especially sports he gets so into games so just watching it rather than hearing it it helps him stay a bit more calm before

bed. He also takes a kid's dosage of melatonin around this time. For years, he said he just couldn't fall asleep or settle down. And he would. He would just keep getting out of bed. He just spins. He's on or off. Like he has no whine down. So it is the tiniest, tiniest dosage of melatonin. But by taking that pill, he knows that his body's going to start to relax. Like there's such a placebo effect in it, but it really does make a difference for him. So, um, he's, he knows. He knows. He's going to start to relax. He's, he For about half an hour, the parents and the two big kids, we just hang out together in the living room. It's mostly quiet. We're together.

And then at 820, Ben goes to pee, getting to bed. He knows that's the time when the big hands on the four. He goes to pee, gets into bed. And then Sam starts what we call solo reading, which is essentially like reading in his room on his own. It's an amazing, amazing creative name, isn't it? And remember, he's up a few minutes past Ben. So he fills that time with reading in his bed. but they both kind of go off at the same time, which kind of helps Ben feel like he's not

the middle kid having to go to bed earlier. So, um, cause sings a song to Ben, a praise with him, and then I go in to kiss him. Cause is the starter. I am the closer. And then we do the same for Sam a few minutes later. And, um, real quickly about like doors and dark and nightlights and stuff like that, Ben has never had a problem. Um, he sleeps with his door closed and a nightlight. It's nothing. But we had to wean Sam off of an open door. at night took a long time he has a lot of anxiety and like I said like excess energy and he would just like perseverate on his door not being cracked the right amount or his nightlight not being as bright as usual or whatever he guys he just turned nine and it wasn't until this past year where

we finally got him to go to sleep with his door closed so if you have an anxious kid I get it it's so hard and you're doing great it takes time and you're not doing anything wrong It takes a long time. It's okay. And then that's it. Our boys, they don't really wake up anymore. And then Annie, she might wake up like once or twice if she can't get her blankets back on her. Or if she has a super wet diaper and wants to be changed.

But for the most part, our kids, once they're in bed, they're in bed until morning. And that is our specific kid bedtime routine. We've always started with the end and we add in things as they make sense. Like the candles. We didn't always do candles. But now those candles make that chill family time even more on purpose and essential to the routine. They're part of it. Little choices can make a big difference if you pay attention to what your family responds to and needs,

which is often hard because we're tired too. It's the end of the day. But it is nice to just sort of notice those things and then add them in to what's already happening. Now let me say one last thing about when things change, when something throws the routine off. For example, sometimes one of my boys has to poop, like right when it's time for a shower and they take a long time to poop. Or maybe you get home late from dinner at a friend's house or a game or something. Having a routine, it really helps because you know what to expect, even if you're rushed.

You know what needs to happen and often in what order. There's no surprise for your kids. But here's where this is really helpful. Always know what part of the routine is the first. to go to make room for an interruption or for starting late. For the boys, it's screen time. If we're home late, if they take a long time doing homework they didn't do earlier, if they have to poop, whatever it is, screen time goes in the routine. And that's what kind of gets it back on track for the end time. For Annie, it's a bath. That's what goes. If we're behind, we'll skip a bath and then we'll make sure

she gets one the next day. So always know what part of the routine is the first to go. Um, can give when things interrupt it. That's a little bonus bedtime tip. But ultimately, you guys, you're doing great. Your kids are not ruined because they go to bed at a different time every night. You are not a terrible parent because you don't have some kind of like memory maker at the end of every day. Their spirituality is not doomed because you don't read them a bedtime story every single night. Just seek to connect with your kids within the framework of this gentle bedtime routine and see what comes of it. It's like, it's like Emily P. Freeman said in one of her episodes of the next right thing. Do what you like and see what grows. Do what you like and see what grows.

No pressure. Okay. That's it. If you have any questions about this, I will be on Instagram this Thursday around 1215 Eastern Time to answer them and offer up a place for you to encourage each other and us trying to get our kids to go to bed. So you can join me there at the lazy genius on Instagram. And before we go, just a quick reminder about the swap you have until the end of the month and then not again for quite a while. So check the link in the show notes to get more info. All right, that's it for today. Thanks so much for listening. And remember to be a genius about the things that matter and lazy about the things that don't. I'm Kendra and I will See you next week. Have you ever felt like you were living just a B or B plus life? It's so dangerous to live that. More dangerous than a B minus or a C plus life? Because when you're living a B or B plus life, you don't change it. You think it's good enough. Is it? I'm Susie Welch. I host a podcast called Becoming You. People think, okay, an A plus life is not available to me, but there is a way. We are all in the process of becoming ourselves. Listen to Becoming You wherever you get.

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