The Lazy Genius Podcast - Bonus: How to Find a New Relationship Rhythm

Episode Date: October 20, 2022

Today, I'm joined by my sister, Hannah, to talk about how to get our relationship back on track. We're in a season of not talking or seeing each other as much as we used to, and we want that to change. So in this episode, we try and Lazy Genius our relationship in real-time. If you are out of rhythm in any of your relationships and wish you were more connected, this episode is for you. Helpful Companion Links Babyliss Travel Flat Iron (affiliate link) This podcast is hosted by Kendra Adachi and executive produced by Kendra Adachi, Jenna Fischer and Angela Kinsey. To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello there. You are listening to the lazy genius podcast. I'm Kendra Adachi and I'm here to help you be a genius about the things that matter and lazy about the things that don't. Today, as we do every quarter, I am joined by my amazing sister, Hannah. She is one of my favorite humans in the entire world. And we have a very relevant conversation for you today. Our relationship is at a rhythm. Y'all, we need a new rhythm. We need a new one. So we're going to do that in real time in this episode because I have a feeling a lot of you have the same thing happening in some of your relationships no matter the context. It's going to look different than ours, but hopefully the process of creating a new rhythm will give you some ideas. So I'm super excited about this.

Here we are, the lazy sisters. Hi, sister. Hello. Did you know, you do know this, but did you know that flat irons help with the frizz in your hair? I did know this. I didn't know that? Oh, you didn't? No. And you, you know, I have a lot of very fine, fine hair. And a lot of it. A ton of it. And it is, it is always in Ferrynots and a little frizzy, which I don't mind. I'm not like, frizz is not bad. But sometimes it's just, it's hard to like have like a, like a polished sleek head of hair. It's going all over the place. Yeah, absolutely. And so I was like, I wonder if a, I wonder if a flat iron would help this new revolutionary idea and so I got one during like the prime sale you know that was mid-October what in the world what a revelation I'm so glad you you did it also I didn't know there was a prime

sale it was like a prime it was like a prime member today you know it's one of those manufactured like buy everything and I I did I bought a I'm kind of glad I didn't know about it actually I think it's actually really good to not know about it it's probably really good but I did I got a flat iron and I did it and I was like this really really really helps and so I feel like it's one of those things that as I was flat ironing my hair I thought I should have known this and there are going to be people like me who are just dealing they're just living a life at a frizzy hair and on days where they don't want it they don't have a solution they just keep putting products in their hair and then they it just looks dirty so I'm just here because you know hair so I know you know but I really

want everyone else to know a flat iron like it really helps guys it really does also pro tip if you don't want to spend a lot of money on a straightener yes but you need a really high quality straightener okay get a travel straightener oh because it's essentially like it's not really that big of a difference yeah if you have if you don't have a ton of hair and that's kind of your purpose yes just a straightening Just straighten. Yeah. Because you're really just dealing with the top layer, right? It's not like you have to go underneath.

And this is not if you have like super wavy hair, really curly hair, that kind of thing. Yes. But yeah, just get like the baby, baby, is it baby bliss or babyless?

Baby, baby bliss. I think it's like the, but it's like this tiny little blue. That's such a great idea. And it's like a travel size straightener. Baby Bliss Pro. Yeah,

the baby bliss pro. Titanium flat iron. And I'm the word travel. look at her. Yeah, she's great. She's so cute. She's 50 bucks. Yeah, exactly.

With a case. But she is very high quality. Like, I love the baby bliss stuff. I actually, I didn't want to shell out a ton of money for a good hair dryer. So I bought the Baby Bliss travel size hair dryer. And then I bought a diffuser attachment that fits travel size hair dryer. So I have this tiny, itty bitty. baby bliss with this giant diffuser on it but it's a really high quality dryer and it does what I need it

to do you guys you heard it here we can just end there we can end the episode right now I'm making a list of things that we need to put in the show notes and it's the baby bliss travel flat iron yep amazing okay that's my did you know so my did you know is inspired by my birthday happy happy birthday thank you my birthday was the past week. For those of you that do not know, I love almond joys. Because it is the, it is the, it is the reject candy bar. And I feel bad for it. And so I've always had it be my favorite because I'm like, it needs to be somebody's favorite. And why not me? So I love almond joys. And I was thinking about other candy bars that I have a fondness. for. Sure.

And as one does, I started doing research on Kit Katz. I don't know why, but I was like, what is the Kit Kat? Like, it was mostly just like, could I eat that? Like, because I wasn't sure. Right. Because I can't. You can't eat anything. I can't eat anything.

So I was like, well, what's in here? Yeah. Could I maybe get away with a Kit Kat? Because it just sounded so lovely. Sure. And then I got really emotional because do you know what? the inside of a Kit Kat is made out of? No.

I would assume just like a wheat wafer. Defective Kit Kat bars. Isn't that incredible? So when there is a defective Kit Kat bar, so they were like if the chocolate bubbles, if it's if it's somehow they can't, they can't manufacture it. Yeah. They crush it up. And that is the inside of a Kit Kat bar.

is all of these other Kit Kat bars that couldn't be used. That's incredible. Isn't that amazing? Also, I think it just showcases like why Kit Katz are so good. They're so good. They're so good. They're like meta, right? Right.

It's like, I don't know. I just, I was blown away. I did not know that. I was blown away. That's fascinating. Yeah, it really is. I feel like that's one of those. So Kaz really, he sort of forces the boys to watch this show called like food in America

or something. we still have cable we're one of the seven families in the country that has actual cable is that the show with the guy who um there's like always jelly beans around him when he when he does the intro i do not think so but now i am fascinated by whatever that is it's a food show where they talk about like how things how food gets made oh the mark summer's like double dare guy yeah no it's a different show although mark summers double dare slime all the things yeah that has like no this is a show that's literally on the history channel and it is actors who cannot get jobs even in commercials doing reenactments of like like really tricky contract negotiations between little Debbie and hostess.

I'm sorry, what? It is so weirdly specific with lots of dramatic acting. There's like dramatic music. It is such a vibe and cause loves it. But I'm surprised that learning that about Kit Katz, it feels like that way. would actually be on this show. But yeah, it's like the historical stories of food in America. I think that's what it's called.

I don't remember exactly. But it's like on the history chain. Is there a narrator? Is it like one of those like they interview? Like unsolved mysteries. You know where they have like the reenactments, but you don't actually hear the people talking? Melody was concerned that as you see a picture of some lady with like 1960s

hair was concerned that her focus on the on the out at the outside of her snack cake was at the cost of the cream and her competitor. And so it's like this really, so they're acting the thing. And then they're interviewing food historians, Stella Parks, the, what's her name? Yes, Brave Tart. Like cookbook, they're interviewing cookbook authors. They're interviewing historians. Adam, the guy who does the man versus food restaurant show.

He's in it all the time. It's the whole thing. Oh, my goodness. Maybe that should be my, did you know? Does this show exist? This show exists, everyone. That is wild. Anyway, well, I'm so glad that you found a new candy bar to be emotionally attached to.

I know, but I can't eat it. This is true. But it's sweet. It is sweet. It's very dear. It's so precious. Okay. So we are in a situation that I do believe many, many people, many people are in.

Yes. where you have a flow in a relationship with a friend, a family member, whatever. You're in a flow. You're in a rhythm of when you talk, when you see each other, when you connect. And then something happens. And you're not in that rhythm anymore. And what we do, because we are all still dealing everyone with the existence of 2020, we have not recovered.

It's been a hard few years. And I also think that while this community, it does feel like it values therapy a lot more, it can be really hard to enter into this kind of situation without emotional baggage, without heaviness of being like, is this friendship over? Is this relationship over? Do they like me anymore? Like we can get it, we can spin out in our own heads when really the reality is you are out of rhythm.

You are out of rhythm with that person. Something happened that changed. regularity and how you communicated. And so you've got to make a new one. And that happens in friendships all the time, all the time. And so we are currently in one of those because you basically got a full-time job. Yes, that is exactly what happened. That's what happened.

We did a little switcheroo at my house. Yep. And my husband quit his full-time job. And then I took on the... The mantle. The mantle. The mantle of the bread winner. Yeah.

And now. Although you can't eat bread. So we need a new name. I know. The mantle of the salami winner. There it is. There it is. And it's been very challenging because every way that I know how to connect with people,

I no longer can. Yeah. Because like, for example, one of the things that I miss doing is when a friend was sick or somebody was sick. I'm like, it really is when people are sick. We need a series of three things, but really it's when people are sick. It really is when people are sick.

I would make food. Right. And you care for people very well when they need something. Yes. Or do a store run or, you know, just show up randomly, you know, things like, you can't do that. Right. When you're working until 630 every day.

Right. Yeah. Yeah. And I got out of the rhythm of boxing. Like I was on Voxer, the voice for those of you that don't know, it's like Marco Polo, but without the video. Right. If you don't know what Marco Polo is, it's just a long video. But it's been very difficult to maintain those rhythms, especially when I feel like I don't have a rhythm with anybody. Mm-hmm.

And I think it's also been challenging to understand and parse out what certain people need to. Yes. It's like you have your own rhythms of how you connect with people, but then also recognizing that how you connect with people is not necessarily what these other people need. And so sometimes you can get back into your own rhythm, but things still feel one-sided. Right.

Because they're not smelling what you're stepping in. For lack of a better phrase. When was the last time you heard that? I've never heard it in my life. Really? They don't smell what you're stepping in. I mean, it's solid. like I love a good idiom.

I didn't make that up. There's no way. I mean, I'm sure someone said it. That's a very real saying. I'm just surprised you haven't heard it. I've never heard it before. I'm right. It's really solid though.

Yeah. So like when you might find yourself on like in different roles in different relationships when this happens. You might be the person that something has happened to like getting a job or moving or you know, you used to see this one friend because your kids went to the same school and now you don't go to the same school anymore. And so you've just like there, because you, yeah, because you took your kid somewhere else. And so there are things that, that happen. And you might be in the place of, oh, my circumstances have shifted this, which means your circumstances have

probably shifted maybe more than one relationship. Exactly. Like you're saying. And then there people like me who I'm on the end, which I've been in the position before where I have shifted and it's like it affects multiple relationships. But it may be like for you and I that we, like I'm on the side of I know things have shifted for you. And I also know like you work all day, all day. You have three, 10, eight children and you have a husband. I know that when you get home, because I know you. I know that when you get home, you want to be with them. And that. And then also you're going to sleep, man. You're going to watch your, you're maybe you're going to watch a show we're doing,

but you don't have time. You don't have time to like, let's go get drinks. We don't even do that anyway. But also like there's not a, it's hard to work relationships into a new life rhythm. Absolutely. And depending on your personality, it could be even harder. I, did you know, this should have been my did you know. Did you know that I can fall asleep setting up?

No. Is this a new skill or is this something you've always had? No, this is a brand new skill. because I've never seen that. So exhausted. Yeah. Like this is what, it's exactly what's happening. I've all of a sudden figured out.

I figured out how to do it. Uh-huh. Because you need it. I need it. Yeah. I had to do it. Yeah. I had no idea.

I had no idea. So I just hope that even just sharing this, because especially the people who have been listening to us for a while now, you know, I think it's really important for people listening to see that this has. happens in your dearest relationships. Like it does happen and it doesn't mean that anything is wrong or broken or whatever or you make assumptions about it. It's just like you got a job and we got to figure it out.

We got to figure out how to do this. And so I just hope that this is like really good permission for whatever relationship that any of you are experiencing that it feels more hopeful that it is possible to do it. So I don't know if this is going to work. This is our plan. We're going to lazy genius the situation and we're going to take it through the five steps. And we're going to see what happens. We're going to see what happens. We haven't we haven't tried that. We haven't. I don't know. Because I do what I do wonder is if what matters to me about us staying connected or how that looks if it's the same as yours. And so if they're different, then we want to know that.

difference so that we can both have our needs met like you were saying before. Yes. So after the break, that is what we're going to do. We'll be right back. She knows. How? Did you blah? No.

The devil wears prodig too. He's the movie event 20 years in the making. Honestly, can't with the secrets anymore. So I think we just, we should tell her. Will you two please spit it out already? This Friday, be the first to experience it only in theaters. In light of the recent scandal, I'm here to restore your credibility. Oh, because we're a team now.

That's a nice story. The Devil Wares Prada 2 in Theat's Friday. Aw isn't something we need to travel for. It's something waiting for us in everyday life, whether in a city street or a moment with a work of art. I'm Dr. Keltner, host of the Science of Happiness podcast. Join me for Cities of Aw, a special series on how our public spaces

can spark awe, wonder, and enhance the quality of public life. You can find us wherever you listen to your podcasts. Okay. Let's do this thing. Let's do it. Step one. Step one.

I appreciate the generosity of spirit that you are giving me in that we are literally lazy genius in our relationship and it doesn't feel like a weird like juke, like emotional juke. But this is a lazy genius podcast and I'm curious. I'm curious if this is going to work. I really am. So we'll see. So step one.

I'll be honest. I'm a little skeptical. I'm like, I think it will. Yeah. I think it will. It should. Yeah. Well, here's the word.

It works with everything else. Here's the thing. Why wouldn't it work with this? What I've learned in applying these five steps to literally everything, almost every day of my life. Yeah. Is that all five steps are reasonably necessary in the process. Mm-hmm. But depending on the situation, like I really think that the, the, the,

first step, like what really matters here, that's going to be deeply, deeply important in our conversation. Yes. But like things like, how do we organize it? You know, I don't know, maybe. Like when we do our thing, like different steps, uh, don't all carry the same weight in the process depending on what your problem is. So you still want to go through the five, but you can be like, I don't feel like I need to

personalize this. Yeah. Like I already feel like myself here. That's not really an issue. And you just move on to the next one. Yeah. So, so I do think it's going to work. but I am very, I'm very curious how it's going to work. How it's going to work. Yes.

Okay. So step one is to prioritize. It's to name what matters. So for, for me, one of the things, actually, I think the thing that matters the most to me is I want to hear how you are doing. Like, and I want to hear how you're doing like, you know, in your soul. But I also want to hear like what's going on in your life. You know, like I want to hear, I want to hear things about you, not just what we're doing now, which is like every couple of days and all caps like, hi, I miss you, which I love that, but I miss you. You know, like I miss hearing what's going on with you. But also, I think what happens, I think this happens in a lot of relationships that are in a similar situation that we are,

is when you go for a long time without sharing those things, without being like, what's going on? Because I also know that like it's not a, it's not a fun text to answer when someone's like, how are you doing? How's your day? I hate it when people ask me that. I don't know how to answer that because it's like, what do you, how much information do you want right now? And also we're texting. It's what's different, right?

And when you go a long time where without like really, really, sharing how things are. It almost feels, I feel, I don't know this is true of you or of other people, but I sometimes feel that asking is almost like, it's like incongruent. Like I have so many things that I haven't asked about. And so just asking some random thing about like, how was your, I don't know, did you see that salami's on sale at Aldi right now? Like it feels incompatible when I don't know what's going on. Does that make sense? So it's kind of like, I, I think, what matters to me is somehow in some sort of regularity getting like some sort of picture of how you are or what you're doing or what's making you happy or something.

I would say what matters to me is probably the same actually with I think one caveat. Is it caveat? Is it caveat? Is it caveat or is it caveat? I think it's caveat. I think it's caveat. But when I said it, I felt weird. The English language is so ridiculous.

It's so ridiculous. But I think something that I've discovered is that I want it to be something that I have access to. That's not in a like group setting or a social media perspective or something like that. That's something that I've learned. Uh-huh. And not just with us, but across the board. Like, if I'm in a group text or something and I'm having a conversation with somebody and they're sharing something, I love hearing that. And I love knowing that that's what's going on.

But in order for me to feel and stay connected to that person, I need that one-on-one experience that's not shared with other people. and I think that I've always kind of fought that in myself because I always thought that was a little bit selfish. Like, well, you should just take whatever you can get. But I think I'm finding that like, because I think that's also a tendency, especially when we haven't seen people in a long time, it's easy to be like, well, I have one night that's free.

And I know that multiple people could maybe meet up too. So let's just do a big group hang. And so it's like you're trying to get more bang for your buck almost. Yeah. But it makes it less personal for you. It makes it less personal. And I've just decided and leaned into the fact that I really enjoy one-on-one. I really don't like texting.

I'll do texting if I have to, but there's so much nuance that's missed in texting. I like to see the person's face. Like I think that's why I've found that I prefer. Marco Polo to Boxer now because I can actually see the person's face and I can see their facial expressions and there's something about being able to yeah, just see their eyes when they're talking, which is hilarious that I want to see their eyes when you're talking because I can't look at people in the eyes when I talk to them because I'm an highly sensitive person and I get really overwhelmed when I look at someone's eyes.

so I tend to look away a lot. If you've ever thought I was rude, it's not. I'm just overwhelmed by your beauty. So yeah, I think that's what matters to me is one on one. With a face. With a face. Having a balance of like I want to know how you're actually doing. And then I just want to know like what's going on.

Like kind of those like logistical things that are happening. Like what are your days look like? What is your schedule looking like lately? Like how do you do your life? Like how does your life work? Like it's always kind of disconcerting to me. And I think part of it is because we would always, back in 2018, we would all, where would I be?

I would be sitting at your kitchen while you made ticam masala. And we would chat. and it was always from 445 to 515 or something. Right. And it was like you're always making tecama sala at 445. And it's just... She's not wrong, guys. That's just what was happening.

And it's like, but now I don't know what you're doing at 445. I have no... I'm still making tecumasol. You're still making tecumasol probably. Yeah, I am. But, you know, it's just like there's something really lovely about the mundane. Yes. And sure.

wanting to know that part of life too. I'm really glad you said that because, well, I'm glad you said it in general, but I think that I would text because that's the easiest thing for me. Now that I know that that is, that can't be our singular mode of communication, right?

Because that matters to you. And it doesn't, it doesn't really matter to me. It's just what I use. So it's like, okay, well, we can figure out a different way to do this with faces,

but just kind of like, or voices. Sam's, or voices. It's like Sam's playing the bassoon now, his band teacher wants him to try the bassoon because he's already figured out the alto sax thing and you know whatever like there's something about and that's even like not even mundane that is kind of like a new thing but i think i just sort of feel like it's um maybe this is actually part of uh step two

which is essentializing getting rid of what's in the way i think i have like some sort of hang up in me mentally, emotionally, where because we are not in a rhythm currently, that by mentioning mundane things, that it's ignoring that we're not in a rhythm. Does that make sense? That it's kind of like, that I'm just like, well, let's just keep going. Even though keeping going in this way, I don't want to because we don't talk anymore. We don't talk anymore. It's like a Charlie Pooh's song. We do talk, but not in the way that we used to. And so trying to find a new way of doing it. Yeah, I feel like I'm being almost like ignoring it. But I don't think that's true. It doesn't sound like that that is how you would interpret it. If I'm telling you something mundane

that it's actually trying to enter into a new thing as opposed to ignoring that there's not a rhythm. I don't feel like that's making sense with my words. It makes sense in my head. No, I get what you're saying. It's like. It's almost like your disregard. It's like if you're talking about the mundane things that somehow you're disregarding, it's almost like the elephant in the room. Kind of. Yeah.

We haven't, you know, had this conversation. How I see things is once that comes, once it's out, once the elephant is proclaimed elephant, to me, everything after that moment is back to normal. it's like it's almost like it's normalized because it's like we're on the same level right now and even though we haven't found the rhythm we've said right now we don't have a rhythm right and so if you don't need the rhythm to be established in order for those things to work because to me if you start talking to me about mundane things that's how we establish a rhythm or if you started talking to me about you know and i don't mean like mundane things begin

the rhythm, it could be anything, right? It's just, it's just taking those first steps. So if like, if that's the first thing that you want to share, and it happens to be about a bassoon, that's great. But we've got to start somewhere. And I think that's where I think of it from. It's like, as long as that one big conversation has happened and is out of the way, I don't really care what direction it goes in. And let's just get it in a forward moving direction. Yeah. Which for those listening, we have had that conversation. Yes.

Which is why we were like, we are in a forward motion now. And that's why we're like, oh, this could be a really great thing to kind of talk about because we know that this is something that we want to do. So we have, just so you know everybody, we have had that conversation. And for anybody that may be like, well, how do you have that conversation? Sure. I think the best way to have that conversation is just to be honest. Yeah. And to make sure and to always believe the best of the other person.

Absolutely. Like don't. The conversation will never be weird if you are not thinking that the other person doesn't like you. Yes. Agreed. And so if you can just be like, I really miss you. I feel like we've gotten out of a rhythm.

Like how do we figure? that out. That's not a hard conversation to have. But if you come at that conversation and you're assuming, I think the reason why we stop talking is because something happened. Exactly. Or they don't like me anymore. Yes. Then you're not going to be able to hear the person. The other person is going to feel weirdness from you. And then it's just going to go downhill. Yeah. So when you do need that big conversation, I think it is very important to, and I will say, if you don't feel like you can have that conversation without separating those feelings out of like, does this person like me or not, I don't think it's time to have the conversation. Yeah, I think maybe you need to do a little bit of work on yourself or with your therapist and figure out like what's the hang up.

What's the trust hang up there? What is the trust hangout there? And it could be, it could be that that relationship has run its course. Exactly. Sometimes that happens. And if that's the case. It's scary. It is.

That's a whole other lazy genius that I'll let you handle on a separate episode without me present. No, that's, we just send everybody to Laura Tremaine is what we do. Yeah, exactly. Just go follow Laura. That's the literal perfect answer. Yes, that's what you do. She helps you figure that stuff out. So, yes.

So having the conversation, I think that's such a lovely point. It's like, don't go at it in a defensive, a. assumption full of assumptions just like believe the best that's something that we both that's like a value we have in our homes our families with our kids it's a phrase that's the best all the time yes all the time yes believe the best in people it's really important with siblings oh my gosh um so i think another thing um with the this idea of like what's in the way i also think uh i feel like i'm being insensitive if i share something with you without asking for something for something something back. Like there's a reciprocity there that I sort of feel like I don't want to be,

I don't want to come across as insensitive where I'm just like, I'm just telling you all my stuff, man. Now, that is my own, we both know, that is my own, uh, insecurity shadow side of wanting to do it right. And also not wanting to do something that hurts you, hurts the other person. And so I tend to, especially more in the past, to pull back more for fear of doing it wrong than moving forward in something with the assumption that like, no, it's going to be fine. You know, like so many of my relationships, I don't feel this way with you, but a lot of my relationships over the years that have nothing to do with the other person exist around this idea that I am one mistake away from breaking.

And I know that there are people. who feel that way. Like we all have those things. We all have that thing in our relationships and just sort of how we are with people. And it can be really, it could be hard to carry that and not believe it. Right. So that's another thing that I want to get rid of is like I feel like if I'm telling you things, then without you telling me things, like it's sort of the same time that I'm just being like, I'm just like a billboard. I'm just being an annoying billboard, like telling you things. Because Because I think that back to your priority, which is, it is a one-on-one connection and that there is a, it's really like, I think a conversation. Exactly.

I think that's what we need. I think that's why I struggle with texts a lot. Yeah. Because there will be times where there will be a lengthy text of, here's this, the only word I can think of is dump. And I'm trying to think of another word, but it's the only one. A pretty word for dump. I got you. your word for dump.

Yeah. Of just like, here's what's going on. Here's this like intense thing. Like here's the rundown. Here's the run down. Which is like I feel like you kind of have to do at certain points. Sure.

Absolutely. But I think ideally that's why I struggle with text because there is so much that you can say with your face, your body language. With your words that you just that cannot be summed up in a text. response of I'm so sorry this is so hard and you personally are a we all are this way but I think there are certain people that have this even more and you are one of those people where the the mirroring that happens the interaction and like the actual like energy and chemistry that happens in a conversation that is like where you kind of sparkle as a person in your relationships and so I can see

that if it's like a static like one boom three hours later boom it's it doesn't even really feel the same no i see it almost as like a very dramatic hourglass like the text is sent and the sands of time start pouring and if too many if if if there's too many greens of sand piled on top of that one yeah you know one piece that it's it's done Right. It's like too late. It's too late. Yeah. And it feels like the moment's been lost. And I think too for our relationship, a lot of how we process the world is different because obviously we're very different people. But I think sometimes that's what you need, though, is like you just need to get it out.

It's true. You just need to get it out and you need to send it and you need to put it into the universe. I don't have an hourglass. No, you do not. And if I respond to you five hours later and I'm like, oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. You're like, I mean, I'm fine now. Yeah. And the moment really has passed for you. Sure.

And so I think that's why with you specifically, because we are very different in that way, it is important for me to hear that and have a conversation with you because if you do text something to me, the sands of time. The sands of time. Yeah, I hadn't thought about that, but you're absolutely right. That's especially with certain, maybe with things, like, you know, you said that one of the things that you miss is being able to. bring food or run an errand or something for someone who is sick. And you could totally translate that to someone who is emotionally unwell. Absolutely. Right. It's in some sort of like, you know, crisis of across any spectrum, right? And so if I text you and you're not part of my processing

that crisis and you're there after. I don't know what to do. There's no triage. You miss the connection. Yeah, I miss the connection. And I think, too, I do feel that this is why I love the idea of not losing the mundane though, because a mundane text, it's not in the same hourglass. Sure. It's just not. That's good for me to know, though, they're not put important things in text. Like you can respond to Sam started the playing the bassoon.

Yes. I can feel that same level of excitement and access. that with you through texting. Right. And it still feels genuine. Yeah. It still feels like it's in the in the present. Yeah.

Because that's not going away. Yeah. When you're talking about emotions though and vulnerability, vulnerability can disappear. And so, and not saying that that makes you sound incredibly harsh. And I don't mean that. I do say I have a heart made of stone. But, but I don't want to miss out. Yeah.

On anyone's vulnerability. And I feel like texting. Yeah. Makes me miss out on that. And I feel like I've got a, if we played, if we played like a very weird game of like, is this an hourglass or is this not, I think I would know for you what is an hourglass and what it's not. Now that I know that that exists, I'm like, oh, this is an hourglass situation.

And so now I know, don't text our hourglass things. Yeah. Like just doesn't do it. Well, and even like this is what I love about conversations like this. Because now we have a language for it. We do. We do. Now it's always going to be hourglass.

I have an hourglass thing. I have an hourglass thing that I need to talk to you about. And we know that we need to get up in each other's faces to experience the sands of time moment. And it's all going to be fine. Right. Exactly. But, you know, for the mundane, the succulent moments, they're just always there. They don't need to be watered.

They can just exist and be happy. I mean, succulents do need water, but whatever. But not very often. Maybe I'm maybe though I just want there to be another. It's an airplane. It's an airplane. I'm looking at that. Even when they dry up, they're still really pretty.

Exactly. I'm like, the mundane is an airplane because it's beautiful, but it doesn't need as much attention and it'll still be there. Right. So I think that I think one of the things, well, I feel like we actually did just organize a couple of things, that's step three, by being like these are hourglass things. This is where they go.

These are airplant things. Yes, and those are where they go. And I don't. not really sure. I'm sure there's like a third category somewhere. I'm sure there is. But I, but, but, but not a significant one. Like really things are a little more or less one or the other. And so we know where those things go now, even in just having the language for them. And that's really good. And to know that hourglass things don't get texted. Airplant things can be texted. But if we're only, and see, this is where we can go into step four very briefly, which is

personalize. If we only airplant forever, that's not a relationship for us. No. We have to have hourglass and airplants. Well, and also recognizing that like even right now, because I feel like how we've organized this. Yes.

I feel like for some reason I'm somehow the captain of the ship and like how we're organizing things. Like somehow this is catered to me. Because essentially you're so far, you're the one that is is having to adjust your communication style. And that at least that's how it feels to me. It's like I know texting is easier for you.

And so I feel like I just ask you to do something hard and that somehow like me needing that complicates things in some way. So like how we've organized it is great. but also did I just make that about myself? I see. I appreciate you sharing that. Not at all. And the reason is because the mode of communication, it doesn't matter to me.

It's just what exists. It's kind of like, these are the genes I have. These are the ones we're going to put on. It doesn't really matter to me. And so I hear you and I can totally see why you would feel that way. And I appreciate your recognition of that and wanting to, you know, wanting to honor what I need, I do not feel like I'm compromising what I need or that I'm bending to you.

This is really helpful because those things don't, what the organization that we are creating matches what we both want. Well, and you're right, because if we go back to name what matters, what mattered to you is the information. It's the information. Not the vehicle. Not at all. That the information gets delivered in.

Yes, absolutely. Whereas me, what mattered was the vehicle. Was the vehicle. Yeah. And the information. Yes. It was both. It was my caveat.

That is what, that's, that was my thing. I mean, actually, if I, if I had to go back, I would probably say what really matters to me was my caveat, caveat. Caviote. Was the hourglass stuff. It was the hourglass stuff. It was like, because, yes, I do care about the information, but. In the right timing.

In the right timing. Yeah. No. That makes total, total, total sense. So here's what we... So we've done all four. We've done first four. First four.

So the last one is actually where the fun happens, which is systemized. It's like, okay, we got to get... Now we need a flow, because that's what systemize is, is staying aflo. Yep. We don't have a flow. Correct. We have all the pieces, but they're not moving yet. Yes.

So is there a way that we can, like on a regular basis, and for me a regular basis, like for this to really meet what matters to me, once a week is bare minimum. But if we have like a facetime where we're just like checking in, how you doing? And it doesn't have to be long. It doesn't have to be, you know, like sometimes it can, you know, we both are home with our people. Like it's our kids are, but if we're, our kids are around, then Amy and Annie just want to face time each other. Yes. And we don't, we don't, we don't get to talk anymore. No. Right? No. They, I mean, she props up the phone on a box and they watch each other play Barbies and talk about it. It's hilarious. For like an hour. Oh, very long time.

Like legitimately an hour. So no, we don't we don't get the chance to do that if they're in the room. So, so to me, like I would love, because I agree with you, I think, you know, face to face is something that really matters to you. And I think that the information that I really want is best communicated face to face. Like one of the ideas I had when I was like sort of loosely prepping for like, how could we do this was that we almost have like, but it was over text. It was almost like a top three of the day. Like these are just three things.

And that sounds like my worst nightmare. Right. She's like, don't make me make a list. What the hell? I hate making a list. Now, there are probably people listening who have people in their lives that they need to connect to that both of those people are like, we found it. That's what we need to do. Like there are like, like our friend Elisa, like if I offer that to Elisa, like let's send each other top three,

you know, like every Wednesday and every Saturday. She'd be like on it. Like there are different types of people that that's going to work for. But because here's what matters the most ultimately when you're talking about this kind of thing, it's the connection in the relationship. And so that is why it's so good to have these conversations because you, again, make it, not only can you make assumptions about what's wrong, you could make assumptions about what's going to work. And they might not. And so I did kind of know when I thought about that. I was like, I don't think she's going to go for that.

I don't feel like that's really going to fly, but I don't really know what else to do because our time is so limited. but I think that if we could find a way to face, like to have a FaceTime on this is when we FaceTime or something. That's one of my ideas. So it's video, it's maybe it's when a, I don't know, like when you get into your office and you're like setting up or I don't know, like at the beginning of the day when your kids are not around. Like is there a time or maybe it's during the weekend?

But if there was a time or maybe you have. have another idea that we just have something that's like locked you know what I'm saying we have a decide once sort of i I think that would work not having that be the only point of face-to-face connection oh sure be very important to me oh sure so that's kind of a base like a baseline like so we don't go three weeks before we've had a conversation yes and I mean honestly I don't know even what that looks like. I think that it would probably be easier for me to just have a phone call as opposed to FaceTime. Okay. So voices because of the schedule situation or the working it in the timing, you're willing to sacrifice the face part for the logistics part. Yeah, just being able

to chat part because logistically, I don't feel like I have an answer to that. My fear would be that I would have to cancel the FaceTime all the time. Right. Because I don't, so I would rather lock something in where it's like, hey, on Tuesdays, let's chat at some point in time. And like, let's game plan in the morning. Like, hey, what's your day look like? It's Tuesday.

Yep. And so then we just figure out when we're going to call each other. Because that can be in the car. That can be, you know, whenever. Yeah. And I think that that would make it easy. With the phone, the reason why I think that would work for me is because I know that there's going to be a priority of some other type of face-to-face connection. Yes.

That needs to be established to as far as the rhythm, whether that's like, we're going to have lunch once a month. Uh-huh. Or we're going to, you know, go on a walk on Saturday mornings, like the third Saturday of the morning. Uh-huh. The third Saturday of the morning. I mean, I got you. I'm tracking. That makes sense.

I'm tracking. You know, something like that where there is a couple other opportunities during the month to be in physical presence with each other. Right. That's where I would lean into feeling very connected. Yeah. And not worried about the phone stuff. Yes.

So let's paint a picture and see how this feels just on paper. I think this is another reason why everybody, it's so good to talk about these kinds of things with people, but also to enjoy the differences in people and how other people make you relax into yourself more. because for me, what I always lean on is locked things. I love locked things. And I sometimes will think that if it's not locked, then it's not happening at all. Whereas the fluidity of your saying, instead of being like, we are going to talk at Tuesday at 12.05. It's like, well, let's see if we.

Totally. Where for me, I'm like, life. But also not to the point where that's the only option. you know what I'm saying like it doesn't it's not draining I think that would be the difference maybe if if you're saying if we just were to say that Tuesday is the day that we're we're gonna really try to have a phone conversation to just check in and chat every week like we know for sure that's going to happen if I was like no I have to have it like if that was a resistance like the lockedness was super super important then I would tell you that it's not it's not I think that's a

really great solution to be like, okay, let's pick a day. And that's our day. And we'll check in the beginning of the day and kind of see or the night before or whatever. And so, so I just, I really love, I think what I was hoping would happen in this conversation, just for the sake of showing the different layers of a conversation like this is happening tenfold. Because I feel like there are just so many things that, that we're bringing out in each other that kind of show the value of doing something like this. It's really, really good. And that it's fun.

Like, this is not going to heart. Oh, it doesn't have to be stressful. No. Yeah. It's been like a lovely conversation to have together and that it, you know, finding a rhythm with somebody can sound really scary in theory. And maybe even like robotic and soulless. But it really doesn't have to be.

No, not at all. And if you don't do anything, if you just hope for it to change or go back to the way it was, especially if it's something like someone got a job, it's not going to go back. You've got to find a new way. You've just got to find a new way. Yeah. So, okay, so let's paint a picture. Let's see how this feels if we were to try this loose rhythm.

If we would feel differently in our connection than we do now. Number one. Yeah, I like the idea of a Tuesday because Mondays feel stressful. Mondays are so stressful. But if we wait until in the middle of the week, then you start to get into that middle. I feel like Tuesday is a really good day. That's a good day. So on Tuesday, we're like, let's find a time.

talk on the phone sometime on Tuesday. Cool. Second thing that we for sure have lunch once a month, if not more than that, maybe every other week or every three weeks or something like that if it works, which I have already shared this on a previous episode where I've like blocked out lunches because it's hard to feel like you're going to fit things in. But when you are prioritizing something when something matters to you, like make a space for it. And, you don't have to put the person in there yet. But if you know you want to spend time with people and lunch is a time that people can do it generally, it's like block it off.

You know, that's been so lovely for me. So we could totally do that. So we have lunch at least once a month, if not, you know, like every other weekish, every three weeks or something, if we can make work. But then on kind of the like an off week too, I love the idea of a Saturday morning walk. That's generally pretty easy for us unless we're, I was going to say unless we're doing something for the weekend, but also we don't really do anything until like at least nine. Yeah. And we're the same way. We could do like an early morning walk. Yeah. So if we had

two lunches a month, a weekend walk, and we talked every Tuesday. Life changing. It really would. I don't doubt. That's what you said before. And we have the luxury of this because perhaps we're sisters. But I don't doubt. I've never doubted that we were not that we were not. That we were not okay, right? But there is a sadness when somebody that you love that you spend a lot of time with or you talk to you and you have a rhythm in and then you get out of it. It's like there's a sadness there. And so there's like a really lovely, like there's a lot of sparkle around this because it's like we're getting back to kind of where we were. But it also doesn't mean that where we've been is like super broken or it just was off.

I just think it's really important for us to, especially for people who are like me and a lot of people who are all or nothing thinkers listen to this podcast. If you're an all or nothing thinker, you're going to very easily think that like it's all wrong or it's all right. And just to realize that there is like such an expanse

between those two things and that you can be out of rhythm with someone and it doesn't mean that everything's terrible or that when you find a new way forward that it's almost like that there's almost this anticipation of like is this going to work it's like no your relationship does work you just need a new rhythm it's like a sparkly relief right it is it is it's really lovely it's just it's like you know when you climb i i mean i don't personally know this feeling what are you climbing if you well i just said i don't personally know this feeling like waiting for you to finish this. We don't climb things, guys. If you climb a hill, if you climb a hill or a trail or

whatever and you get to the top. Yeah. And you know when you like take a breath and then take a sip of water? I feel like I can imagine this. Yeah, that feels that feels right. I feel like people drink water at the top of the hill. Yeah. I bet that's really nice. Like you just kind of look down. You see where you've come. You take a sip of water and you're like, wow, I did that. Yeah. It's not enough for me to go climb a hill. but it sounds that sounds really nice sure i think about that in the same way it's like this is such a relief yes i agree oh yes what a lovely what a lovely thing what a lovely thing i just did and and it's okay if you're i think sometimes we don't always know that relationships that we're in are in a place out of rhythm until they're so out of rhythm that we're like oh no oh no no no no it's very

slow. It's generally pretty slow. And then you, you feel like you notice it and it's too late. And I just don't think in many cases it is. It's just like, okay, you just need to, you literally can take it through the five steps. You really can. I mean, we really just did. Kendra, you are the lazy genius. It's true. I'm really, I'm really, I mean, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm like, I have two, I have always known it, but every single time it gets three and four. I'm like, wow. Still got it. I will say, I would say probably 70% of the ideas came from you, though.

That's very kind. If you think about it. Like, really, I've made the framework, but you filled it in. Well, I think that was just. That was spectacular. That was great. I feel so good. What day is it?

I'm like sad tomorrow's not Tuesday. Today's, what day is it? Thursday? Today is Thursday. But we get to have. Yes. We're going to dinner tomorrow. I'm going to have dinner tomorrow.

I'm going to have breakfast to you the day after that. And then Tuesday will be just two days away. And then what will happen, then what's so great. It's going to feel like 2018 again. It's going to feel like 2018. And we have all these things. And you know what we didn't mention in our Tuesday call, Thursday, lunch, Saturday walk situation?

We did not mention air plant texts. Exactly. We didn't mention those. Exactly. We didn't mention. It's not like those are the only times that we were ever going to communicate again. It's that those are the ones that are planted. we are planting flags.

If you're, if, if we're talking in like weird lazy genius time management, uh, metaphors that I just make up. If we like you have flags and bunting, right? You've got your flags and you're bunting in your chairs.

And really our flags and bunting are our flags and chairs are the same. We're planting chairs. Mm-hmm. Like our, you know what I'm saying? Mm-hmm. It's like a flag sticking out of the chair because we're resting together and like being together and all the things.

So it's like we have the chairs planted. And then the air plant. texts or the face times where our kids are around. And we're saying hate everybody or whatever. Or there is an hourglass situation. And I'm like, I have an hourglass situation. Can you talk on the phone? Or whatever, we do those things.

So it's not like set it and forget it. It's just we have things in place. And now the things that were honestly not really enough over the last few months are going to fit. Yep. We did it. We did it. Hi-five. We just lazy genius connection. Well, thank you guys for listening. And until next time, the genius about the things that matter

and lazy about the things that don't. I'm Kendra. I'll see you Monday. Have you ever felt like you were living just a B or B plus life? It's so dangerous to live that. More dangerous than a B minus or a C plus life? Because when you're living a B or B plus life, you don't change it. You think it's good enough. Is it? I'm Susie Welch. I host a podcast called becoming you. People think, okay, an A-plus life is not available to me, but there is a way. We are all in the process of becoming ourselves. Listen to becoming you wherever you get your podcasts.