The Learning Leader Show With Ryan Hawk - 374: Alexandra Carter - How To Ask For More (10 Questions To Negotiate Anything)

Episode Date: July 12, 2020

The Learning Leader Show With Ryan Hawk Text LEARNERS to 44222 for more details Full show notes at www.LearningLeader.com Episode #374: Alexandra Carter - How To Ask For More. Alexandra Carter is a Clinical Professor of Law and Director of the Mediation Clinic at Columbia Law School. She has spent the last eleven years helping thousands of people negotiate better, build relationships and reach their goals. In 2019, Alex was awarded the Columbia University Presidential Award for Outstanding Teaching, Columbia University's highest teaching honor. She is a world-renowned negotiation trainer for groups and individuals from all over the world Notes: Excellent leaders have a beginner's mindset What does a mediator do? They are a third person that helps people negotiate. The good ones don't act like the smartest person in the room. They are learners and great listeners. What is negotiation? It is NOT a transaction over money. Negotiation is any conversation where you are steering a relationship Every conversation is like being in a kayak. Approach every conversation differently... With intention. "We make our world significant by the courage of our questions and by the depth of our answers." - Carl Sagan The ultimate open ended question -- "Tell Me…" Questions - an open question is like fishing with a net. A closed question is fishing with a pole. A great open question doesn't have a question mark.  "Tell me about your trip to India!" Change your WHY questions to WHAT questions...Rather than ask "Why haven't I been able to… Turn that around to "What has made this challenging for me?" Move from a place of blame to curiosity. How to handle a PDP (performance development plan) meeting? How to ask for a raise? Recruit your manager to be on your side. Share your goals with them, bring them along with you... Connect with your manager. Talk about the future and how you can work together. Ask open ended questions to learn more about the needs of the business. Tie your money request to your production. Use "I + We" statements - Share how your work benefits the company. Your asks should be: Optimistic Specific Justifiable Research suggests that women hold themselves to perfectionist standards As a boss: Invest in top performers, mentor people, empower them, unleash them What do you need? 2 buckets Tangibles - touch, see, count Intangibles - Values, freedom, acknowledgement Questions to ask yourself: What would progress look like? What do I feel? Grapple with your feelings so that they don't control you How have I handled this successfully in the past? Ask yourself about prior success. Write down your answer. It's a "power prime." Questions to ask: The first 5 questions are for your side- The Mirror: What's the problem I want to solve? What do I need?, What do I feel?, How have I handled this successfully in the past?, What's the first step? Then, the second 5 questions are for your opposite number: The Window: Tell me?, What do you need?, What are your concerns?, How have you handled this successfully in the past? What's the first step? The five, best open-ended questions to ask in each part seek to identify and define the following: (1) the problem/goal; (2) needs; (3) feelings/concerns; (4) previous success; and (5) the first step. And that the answers to these important questions can help steer conversations, relationships, and negotiations that will increase the likelihood of a desired negotiation destination. "The Mirror," in that knowing oneself by spending the time it takes to honestly ponder, reflect, and journal one's personal thoughts, feelings, expectations, and dreams to answer those five questions, in an attempt to not only improve one's skills in formal negotiations, but to also navigate the relationships in life's journey.  

Negotiation at its heart is steering. Negotiation is any conversation in which you are steering a relationship. Not just the money conversations, not just the resource conversations, but every conversation. I talk about negotiation like being in a kayak and how at all times you are steering yourself in the direction you want to go. And so when I started to think about negotiation as steering, I approached every conversation I had differently. I approached conversations, the everyday conversations with intentionality, thinking about how I was going to be steering that relationship for our mutual gain. And of course, Ryan, you know, thinking about learning leaders, what's the most important relationship of your life? If negotiation is steering, the first person you need to steer is yourself.

We are opening up applications to our learning leader circle. We do this once per year. Think back to the great conversation I had with the legendary Jim Collins episode 216. He said, Ryan, before you get too caught up in your why, in your what, you need to be very intentional about your who. Who will be your friends? who will be your mentor? Who will you help?

Who will you choose to surround yourself with? That will be the single greatest determining factor in your long-term success. Think about that. I'd ask you the same question. Who are you choosing to surround yourself with to help you grow, to push you, to challenge you, and to be there when you need help? This is a chance to surround yourself with other growth-oriented leaders looking to challenge themselves and grow to become more effective both personally and professionally.

We've added specific curriculum elements so that by the end of the year you'll have tangible outcomes to measure your growth and be a more effective leader. These groups are intentionally curated and kept small. And time and again, the thing that people say they love most about these groups is the relationships they're able to build with one another very quickly. If you'd like to apply, go to learning leader circle.com. That's learning leader circle.com to apply. Welcome to the Learning Leaders Show, presented by Brixie and Meyer.

I am Ryan Hawk. Thank you so much for being here. Text learners to 44222 in order to join tens of thousands of learning leaders from all over the world. Receive Mindful Monday updates. What I'm reading, writing, watching. Thinking about, also give you more details about how my book, Welcome to Management, will help you become a more effective leader. Text, learners to 44222.

Now, on tonight's featured leader to the great Alexandra Carter, a clinical professor of law and director of the Mediation Clinic at Columbia Law School, where she has spent over a decade helping thousands of people improve their negotiation skills. She is a world-renowned negotiation trainer for the United Nations, and she has taught dozens of negotiation workshops to hundreds of diplomats for more than 80 nations. It's also the best-selling author of Ask for More, 10 questions to negotiate anything. A few of the topics we discussed.

Alex shares the ultimate, open-ended question and why you, should start using it right now. And then practical steps to negotiating a raise and a promotion at work. Alexair is exactly what you should ask and say. And then the five questions you need to regularly ask yourself to become a more effective leader. Ladies and gentlemen, this one is so good with Alexandra Carter. All right. Alexandra Carter.

welcome. It's good to have you here on the Learning Leaders Show. Thanks so much, Ryan. I'm so happy to be here today. So one of the things I like to study, Alex, is excellence, and particularly this is people and leaders who have sustained excellence over an extended period of time. And you have a unique job that I'm fascinated to learn more about, the director of Columbia Law School's Mediation Clinic. What a title. Okay. But through the course of that, I would imagine that you've seen people perform at really high levels as well as people who have struggled. And you're a researcher, you're a great writer, your great speaker.

So I'm curious to think about this from your perspective. When you analyze people who have sustained excellence over an extended period of time, what have you found to be some of the commonalities amongst those people? Sure. Great question, Ryan. And it goes right back to the title of your podcast. podcast. Leaders are learners. In fact, when I first saw that, that this was called the learning leader, I thought, gosh, I hope we get to a point where people see that almost as redundant, right? That what I have found is the greatest leaders and the people who outperform are the people who are always learning, who are in what I call kind of a beginner's mindset. You know, when I step into the room as a mediator, and thanks for the compliments on the title, but

let me tell your listeners a little bit about what a mediator does. A mediator is a third person who comes into a situation and helps people negotiate better with each other, whether they're in conflict, whether they're looking to make a deal. And the thing that I find makes mediators successful is they don't go in and act automatically like they're the smartest person in the room and they have nothing to learn. They partner with people and they're in a learning mindset that helps them serve people better. When I'm learning, I'm most energized, I'm most excited, sometimes I'm most terrified, but that's where the greatest growth happens. And the students that I have who come in and are willing to learn and self-critique and be in that growth mindset are the ones who outperform

everyone else. And I see that in my career, you know, with managers and training managers and leaders also. Okay, I like how this is starting. So, Alex, you have a bestselling book called Ask for More, 10 questions to negotiate anything. And I think one of the potential issues here is that there are misconceptions around what it means to negotiate. And so before we get into some of the tactics and some of the behaviors and some of the words we use and say, can we define what is negotiation from Alex Carter's perspective and from all of your research, what is negotiation? You got it.

So let's talk about negotiation, what it is and what it's not. What it's not is simply a transactional back and forth between two or more people over money. That's what I was taught as a young professional, and that's what a lot of people are taught. And guess what happens? When we see negotiation that way, a transactional back and forth over money, we end up with a really limited and reactive approach to it. Negotiation is that thing I do once a year when I go into my CEO or department head and I say, hi, Alex Carter, you know, I delivered great results this year. Keep me in mind when you're making your compensation decisions. Negotiation is that thing I do when we're allocating funds for various departments at my company.

And so I have to go in then and I have to negotiate. That's part of it, but that's only part. Negotiation at its heart is steering. Negotiation is any conversation in which you are steering a relationship, not just the money conversations, not just the resource conversations, but every conversation. I talk about negotiation like being in a kayak and how at all time, you are steering yourself in the direction you want to go.

And so when I started to think about negotiation as steering, I approached every conversation I had differently. I approached conversations, the everyday conversations, with intentionality, thinking about how I was going to be steering that relationship for our mutual gain. And of course, Ryan, you know, thinking about learning leaders, what's the most important relationship of your relationship? life. If negotiation is steering, the first person you need to steer is yourself. Negotiation

doesn't start the moment you sit down with someone else. It starts at home with you. And the way you break down the book is using metaphor of a mirror and a window. And I like the way that that kind of jied as I was as I was taking notes on it. And the subtitle is the 10 questions. And can you can you start digging into the initial questions when we're focusing on now the first part, which is the mirror, which is looking at yourself. It's which is fascinating to me because I wrote a book on management and there are three sections and the first section is lead yourself. And so we, I feel like we're so aligned. here, we haven't discussed this yet, we're so aligned on what you're like management book,

lead yourself. It's not only the first, but it's the first and longest section of the book, because if you don't get that right, this is the second and third section, they don't matter. If you can't take care, if you, if you don't have built up awareness and able to lead yourself. So you start the same way with the mirror of looking at yourself. Can you share some of the questions to ask that are on yours, for your side, when you look at yourself? Yeah, absolutely. So I wonder if some of your listeners might be thinking, well, Alex, like, why are we talking about questions when we're talking about negotiation? Shouldn't this be about making my points as forcefully as possible? And in fact, no, there's research to show that leaders are the people who ask themselves the best questions. And the best negotiators are the people who lead with questions when they get into the room with somebody else. So let's talk about the mirror. Let's talk about that self-awareness. part. The first place to start is not where people think. You know, sometimes, Ryan, people come in, especially in a crisis and they'll say to me things like, well, a segment of my business just disappeared,

or we just had a major client evaporate. And so immediately, they will start jumping to solutions. They say, okay, so I'm going to reach out to everybody in my Rolodex or my CRM software and see if I can generate more revenue for July. And I have to hold up and say, let's talk about it. about this question first. What's the problem I want to solve? What's the problem I want to solve should be the place that every leader starts when they are asking themselves questions. Because all of your success in negotiation, you know, I loved how you talked about before the tactics come second. You mentioned that earlier in our beginning of our remarks. That's absolutely right. Tactics are meaningless without strategy. And strategy comes from defining the

correct problem to solve. So the company that came to me and said, Alex, you know, we just had clients disappear and so we need to start reaching out. I said, hold up. What's the problem we're trying to solve? Are we just trying to bring revenue in the door, you know, for this next month at any cost? And if so, are we going to need to do that again for the months to follow? Or are we thinking to our next round of financing? Are we trying to find the clients that are going to be your best long-term clients for the future. Because in that case, we're solving a different problem, and so we have to direct our tactics accordingly. You know, Ryan, one final note, I'll say, this is also useful if you're thinking about steering your own career. Let's say, and that's a negotiation, right? By the way,

steering your career is a negotiation, a long-term one. If I'm going in to ask for a promotion or more salary, again, what's the problem I want to solve? Is it merely the problem? Is it merely the I just want X amount of dollars coming in the door every month, or am I trying to teach management how to value me? Am I trying to teach them that I am destined for the C-suite? And if that's the case, then I'm coming in and I might have a monetary goal, but I have a much bigger goal than that. It affects both what I negotiate for and how I negotiate for it. Can we role play that? I don't know if this is going to work.

I'd be curious, though, if I'm the CEO, you are a mid-level manager, Alex, and we're having our once-a-year PDP review. That was called PDPs, I'm sure, performance development plan at one of the companies I worked at. And it was once a year. Again, that's not a good process, but that's the process at a lot of places.

A lot of people are saying, oh, yeah, I do that. Yeah. And we're having this conversation. And it may be flawed to begin with because I know from a negotiation perspective, from reading work and learning from you, you can't just do this once a year. It's an ongoing relationship. And that's a big part, which I'm sure we'll touch on in a second. But let's say for that person who they're getting ready to go for their PDP review.

And this is timeless because this happens all the time, right? And they either want more money, they want a promotion, or they at least want some sight into the future of their career. What are some of the, you know, I guess we don't have to role play, but what are some of the things that that person should be thinking and maybe even some of the things they should say as they're going into that room to have a conversation with their boss? Absolutely.

So the first thing, of course, you're doing is you're figuring out the problem you want to solve. And why is that? Because that's what's going to frame my, entire end of the conversation. I'm then starting out the conversation, not by saying, you know, I'm coming in to discuss my compensation. I'm then coming in to recruit my manager and put them on my side of the table, share with them my goals for the, you know, my future at the company, and try to bring them along with me as a partner. So I'm going in to say how much I'm,

I have enjoyed working at the company. Here are the things about the company that I connect with. Even better, if you can say the things about the manager that you connect with personally, why you value them so much. Then I would talk about my goals and say, I'm here today, yes, for our once a year, but that's not all I'm here for. I'm here because I want to make this my long-term home. And I want you and management to know that I have interest in investing here

and rising in the leadership. And so in addition to talking about this past year, I'd like to talk about the future and how we might work together to get me where I can do the most good for the company. So what this is about, Ryan, is framing the problem to be solved, but framing it in a way

where you are recruiting the other person to your cause. And then I would follow up by asking great open-ended questions about them, about the company, about their needs, and I would find a way to show them that I can fit those needs, that promoting me, mentoring me, developing me is going to be some of the highest and best use of the company's funds and time. And let's say you want more money. You are tying the salary with, I was, I would, I don't.

I want to answer for you, but I'm just trying to distill it instantly here. If you're like, I want to raise, that's your mindset. That's one of your goals, one of the outcomes you want to have happened. You're working then by asking open-ended questions to tie back that raise with the value you either currently deliver and bring to the firm or the company and the value you will continue to bring in the future. Am I hearing this right? Yes, that's exactly right.

And I think, Ryan, the key is, and you set this up. top, this wouldn't be the first time I was having this conversation. I would not be waiting for the PDP. I would be trying to ask my manager and get to know them and ask a lot of those open-ended questions in advance so that in theory I could come into that PDP meeting and said, you've told me your goals are X, you've told me your needs are Y. And I'm here today to discuss my compensation. You know, here is the goal. And here's, you know, I frame things, Ryan, as what I call an eye. we. Here's what I'm requesting and here's how we are all going to benefit. Here's the compensation, the research I've done, my past and future accomplishments, and here's all of the benefits

that the company gets by compensating me at a level that my expertise, my contributions, and my future promise at this company require. Big caveat, but shouldn't, Should be said, you've got to be a producer. You've got to make it happen. This is all like, this is table stakes just to show that you do make it happen for the place in which you work. You are a producer, whatever it is. I come from a sales background. So I wouldn't even consider having this type of conversation if I wasn't exceeding my yearly goal, goal that the company set for me as well as doing other important aspects of the job like helping teammates, building teams, mentoring. doing trainings, all of those types of things to add value to your company. You haven't earned the right to ask for a raise if you're not doing any of that other stuff. Yes. So there's research in negotiation to say that your asks should be as follows. They should be optimistic, they should be specific, and they should be justifiable. And what you are talking about is the justifiable piece. Of course, you don't want to go in and ask for a raise if you've just been told you're

underperforming. But on the flip side, Ryan, sometimes I think people hold themselves to an unreasonable standard. In particular, I coach a lot of women who say, I need to be perfection. You know, I need to be the ultimate. I have everything, 110% on the chart candidate in order to go in and ask for a raise. And that is simply not true. I'm here today to say that there are people out there who are, yes, outperforming the average, but maybe are not even at that 100% marker, and they are going in and asking for more compensation. And so I don't want people to be held back by waiting to be perfect before they feel worthy to go in and claim their worth in negotiation. I'm glad you brought that up, Alex, because as a privileged white guy,

that's, that's, I mean, it's embarrassing to say this, but I, I didn't think of that. I think of, and I have had conversation with my wife about this, because she's been an overperformer her entire career, and I definitely have asked for more raises than she has. And so it's good perspective to think about this, both from a guy in my, my position, because we're, we're, we're all. also leaders. And let's flip that. Let's say for the person who is leading a team now, Alex, and they may have people on their team that are crushing it, and maybe these are women, that are not asking for a raise. As the boss, I think it could be a very wise move to proactively give them more. And so maybe you can share from the other perspective for the people who are listening

who are leading large teams that, I guess you could say in a simplistic way, taking care of your people in more ways, in multiple ways, whether it's with more responsibility, more money or other parts about that. How about from that view? Absolutely. That's called investing. That's called investing in your top performers. And I do know I counsel CEOs or other C-suite leaders who are grappling with this and have made decisions that they are going to recognize their top performers. Sometimes they're women. Sometimes they're people of color. I have counseled men who are from, for example, immigrant backgrounds. And so they feel on some level they're lucky to be here, you know, or that's the message they've absorbed. And so they're hesitant to ask for the compensation, but they are crushing it. And so these managers have said, okay, I'm going to go in and say, you know, you are being granted a raise.

and then even working with to mentor people, because here's the thing, when you mentor people in how to advocate for themselves and giving themselves permission to do that, you are also growing their negotiation skills and their leadership skills in a way that's going to redound to your benefit and the company's benefit. You are empowering them. And when people are empowered, you unleash their influence to go out and do even more for the company. Wow. I can see why you'd be good to have at a meeting to speak, Alex. This is good. I appreciate the energy you're bringing. Let's get down to some of the types of questions we should ask. I study this deeply based upon this is my job, is to have conversations and try to ask quality questions and even better follow-up questions so that we can have constructive dialogue and help other people. And so a book like yours is very helpful for someone like me because as I'm watching great interviews, where's on TV or listening, put the podcast. I'm trying to, trying to take from that, but then also from other sources like Ask for More, which is your book. And there is the ultimate open-ended

question, which I learned from you, and it makes so much sense. And I will tee it up and then I want you to expand on this. But essentially, if somebody has just gone on a vacation to India back when we were traveling. They've got on vacation to India, and they've just gotten back, and people would say, you know, did you like it?

Did you like the trip? Right. And that, as you can imagine, is a closed-ended question. And can you share what the ultimate open-ended question is to ask of your friend as they get back from their vacation to India? You got it.

The ultimate open-ended question is kind of a trick because there's no question mark on the end at all. It is two magic words that will change your entire life and the two words are, tell me. Tell me about your trip. This question is magic. You know, and Ryan, for the first few years of my, you know, career at Columbia, teaching conflict resolution, I realized that I was asking great questions all day in the office and then I would come home and I would ask my spouse, how was your day? Or did you have a good day? And then one day I realized, why am I asking terrible questions at home of my husband or my daughter? You know, even with kids,

you ask your kids, did you have a good day at school? And what do you get? Like a, huh, you know? So once I started asking, tell me, that is when I have to tell you, not only did I deepen my relationships with the people who matter most to me, whether that's in the office or at home. But I started doing more deals and growing as a professional. Why? Because tell me is the broadest possible question that gets you the most information. And it does it while creating trust with the other person. So if we're in, you know, an employee situation and we're thinking about, you know, giving feedback, which is something that a manager has to do, even if we're sitting down for that performance plan, instead of saying, so, Alex, does this evaluation reflect how you think about

the last year? That is a closed question. That's a yes or no. Instead, Alex, tell me about your experience at the company last year. Tell me what you found challenging and the things you found easy. Tell me what the company can do to support you in your goals. That is the type of conversation opener that gets you so much more information. And from there, your listeners are going to be able to create much, much better deals. Really helpful. The other, this one really spoke to me as well. One that we should change is changing a why to a what. Right. Tell me the purpose behind switching a why question, because why seems like it could be open-ended to a what question. Yes. Okay. Changing why to what. What happens when we ask why? When we ask someone, why did you do this? Or why is that important?

Social work literature indicates that why puts people on the defensive. Even if we don't intend to, even if it's an innocuous question and we ask it neutrally, there's something about the word why that makes people feel as though they have to justify or defend. And by the way, Ryan, why is a question that we sometimes ask ourselves and it's not helpful. why haven't I been able to ask for more salary? Why didn't I, you know, speak differently in that meeting? Instead of saying to yourself, you know, why haven't I gotten where I want to be in my career, even asking yourself, what support do I need? What has felt challenging for me? Do you see how radically different why haven't I gotten here and what has felt challenging for me is? One of them

keeps us stuck in the past, in blame and in action, and the other is a call to action to figure out what we can change. It's compassionate, it's supportive, and it's going to produce a more well-rounded pot of information. When do people mess this up? I'm curious for, let's say, the work setting. Let's say a manager is doing a one-on-one meeting with someone who works for them and they mess up the why versus the what. And so we can actually hear some of the questions that people could immediately implement for their very next one-on-one. Like, oh, Alex, I just listened to Alex on the Learning Leader Show. I'm going to change. Maybe they have to initially write it down to remind themselves, I'm going to change how I ask questions for the people that

work on my team. And this is part of the reason why I love doing this because we can help impact people in a positive way immediately by getting to change the words they use. So how would that look in this setting? Yeah, it could be as simple as a change from why did you make that decision to what went into that decision. Tell me what went into that decision. That is the type of subtle question makeover that can produce a lot of good in the workplace. The fact is, especially if you're having more challenging conversations. I would say, you know, the danger is less, Ryan, if we are in a relationship of, you know, very close trust and we're not having an emotionally charged conversation, right? The risk is lower. But when you're in the workplace, and especially

if there's anything serious to discuss, just that tweak, why did you make that decision, what went into that decision, is one that, is one that, In the first one, the employee is going to justify and defend. In the second one, they are going to analyze and diagnose. And that is what you need, the analysis and the diagnostic work that's going to help you not only fix what happened, but fix it for the next time. We started talking about the first five questions for the mirror, looking at yourself. And I want to close this loop and come back to it now.

And the first question that we got off on a tangent on, which I think was useful because we got into some specific examples when it comes to salary or your career is, what's the problem I want to solve? There are four other questions. Can we cover the other four questions first for the mirror? And then we can share how that works for the window as well. So the first one's what's the problem I want to solve? The second one is what do I need? Can you share why that is the next logical? question as well as the other ones that go along with the first five. Yes. Needs drive all of human

behavior. And so when we go into a negotiation and when we're negotiating with ourselves, after we've defined the problem we want to solve, the next stop is thinking about all of our needs. You know, Ryan, I get a lot of questions from leaders who say, Alex, how can I stand firm in what I have to offer in negotiation? What's my source of power? And I tell them the same answer every time. It's in knowing your needs. When you negotiate from what you truly need, that's your power. That is your source, right?

It's the way you hold firm in the face of opposition or deflection or just an unproductive person on the other side. So there are two buckets of needs that people have. The first is what I call tangibles. It's very easy to understand. Tangibles are the things that you can. touch, see, or count. I need a salary of X. I need however many new clients or this amount of resources for my department. The intangibles are the values. Those are, you know, the ephemeral things

that make life worth living. I need advancement. I need freedom. I need respect or acknowledgement. And those are also really, really important. Sometimes we neglect them in negotiation. We just go for the low-hanging fruit, the stuff that we can count. But the intangibles are very often what drive not just this negotiation, this salary, but drive you for your entire career or your life. And so one tip that I'll give people when they're thinking about their needs in negotiation, if you're surfacing your intangibles, your values,

and you get something like, I need a sense of progress. or advancement in my life. I want you to ask yourself, what would progress look like? What would advancement look like? What would financial freedom look like? It is in taking those values and making them concrete that we very often get to the root of what it is we most need in negotiation. Sometimes the tangibles can be great short-term goals, but the intangibles are what drive a career and a life worth living. Okay. What's the problem I want to solve? What do I need?

What do I feel is the next one? Right. So grappling with emotions is absolutely key to negotiation. I think sometimes people assume that if they're negotiating on behalf of a business, business or in a professional environment that they either won't have feelings about that or shouldn't have feelings. And I'm here to deliver the bad news that unfortunately it's been conclusively demonstrated that everybody has feelings in negotiation, whether you are negotiating for yourself or for your company. And so the key is to grapple with those, to acknowledge those, to write them

down so that they don't control you once you get in the room with somebody else. And also, because when you reckon with your feelings, very often that's how we make decisions. And so knowing your feelings can very often be a data generator for the eventual solution. You know, it strikes me, I want to hit the other ones a second. What strikes me about this, Alex, is that while this, your work is about negotiation, mediation, what it's really about, though, is about a better way to live. I was thinking that as you were sharing that because I was thinking of myself as a parent, that using the exercises that you're prescribing would make me a much better dad, especially when I react out of emotionness.

Let's say I'm frustrated over a child not listening. Very common. Still bothers me. I still react wrong, way too much. But it feels like you could use your work not just to get a promotion or to get a raise, but to be a better spouse, to be a better parent, by just that one alone, like, how do I feel? I grapple with, okay, why, what do I feel about this? Why did I react in that manner so poorly?

It's because I probably just didn't grapple with my feelings or write it down or really think about it and just react it emotionally. And I feel like I would imagine you've probably gotten that feedback before that this is not just good from a negotiation perspective. It's just a good manner in which to live. It is. And in fact, I want to thank you for that because one of my missions is to give people tools that they can use in every area of their lives. And if I could unpack what you just said for a second, you used two questions. You said, why do I react or why did I react so poorly? Ryan, that is a perfect example of the type of question we ask ourselves that keeps us stuck in shame rather than asking yourself, what do I feel? That is a non-judgmental feeling because guess what? parenting is a full contact sport. And parenting, you know, in this moment during quarantine is, you know, it's like an Olympic level endeavor. And so engaging with your feelings is one of the best

ways, yes, to become a more present spouse, a more present parent, as well as somebody who feels productive and happy in the workplace. Yeah. Great feedback. I realize that as you're saying at what I had just done. That's why this is good. That's why this is useful for all this. So the next one, we have, what's the problem I want to solve? What do I need? What do I feel?

How have I handled this successfully in the past? I love this question. I love talking about this. Why? Because I find frequently that people struggle with confidence in a negotiation. in a negotiation because they look at a situation and they go in thinking about the last time something didn't go well. And I think when we are experiencing, you know, a big negotiation, an important one, you know,

or even kind of recurring one, you know, something that comes up frequently with a coworker or with a spouse, we tend almost to self-defeat before we get in the room. So what I like to have people do is before every conversation, ask themselves, how have I handled this successfully in the past? This question produces two powerful benefits. The first is simply by asking the question and writing down the answer, you will perform better in your next negotiation. Why? Because asking yourself about a prior success before going into negotiate with somebody else produces the effect of what's known as a power prime. Simply by asking the question, it's been demonstrated by researchers from Columbia Business School and elsewhere that you are more likely to perform better by focusing on a prior success before you get in the room. The second reason to ask this question is because it's a data generator. We often forget when we're entering something that we have strategies that we

have used in the past to make ourselves successful that we could employ for this situation. But I first want to answer a question that I bet somebody is thinking right now. They're thinking, Alex, this is great, but I've never handled this situation before. This is a novel situation. Either we're in a pandemic or this is a completely new type of endeavor that I'm engaging in. Fine. All you have to do is think of any prior success that bears any relation to what you're in now. So, for example, I'm thinking about promoting a book. I've never written a book before. I've never promoted a book before. And I didn't have a success there to draw on. But I did think about, okay, what was the last time I needed to communicate a message to large numbers of people,

that I needed to show them, convince them of the merit and bring them on board for that message and to make it a success. And I remember that I had run my husband's local campaign for office five years ago. And I went back and I wrote all the strategies that I used to be successful there. And Ryan, a lot of those were extremely helpful in negotiating a book. And when I have talked to people about this question before, yes, they're building a business. Maybe they've never done that before, but they tell me things like, I survived cancer. I survived the loss of a spouse and I raised several kids on my own. And I'm here today to tell you that if you have beat cancer or you survived the death of a spouse, you can build that business. And I want you to think back to what made you

successful in overcoming those obstacles and apply them to the situation you're in now. So true. The priming your mind. I love the phrase, the power prime. I mean, my background, Alex, is athletics. And this was huge for me. is to draw from past experiences, even sometimes in practice. I remember my very first game as a freshman on the varsity team. I had never been in that environment before. I'd played football, but not that style with all the people and the whole deal. But I just thought to executing just like I did in practice.

And that gave me confidence to just say, just do exactly like I've been repping it to death in practice for the last two months. And that alone primed me to go out and do it properly once the lights were on and the people are in the stands. And then you can draw from that experience moving forward. And so I think that's a big one, is to think about past success as a power prime for you moving forward, regardless of what it is,

even if it's not exactly the same. Okay, one more is what's the first step? Yeah. So this is all about the power of incremental change. A lot of times people, approach a negotiation, and if they feel like they can't solve it all in one go, they kind of give up. They overpressure themselves to think of, you know, I have to come up with all of the steps. And the truth is, for most amazing leaders, for most transformative companies,

sports teams, or individuals, it is all about one step at a time. I think, you know, and I've heard this said that we greatly overestimate what we can do in a week and we greatly underestimate what we can do in a year, two years, three years. And so my goal for this chapter is to get you started, to be able to take immediate action if you're ready for that and to not be held back because you don't know all the steps. The way I wrote a book on top of a full-time, professor job, a mediator career, being a wife and mother and flying all over the world for speaking, is I wrote that 15 minutes at a time, one step at a time, at my daughter's swim meets, waiting for my plane in the airport, 15 minutes at a time, and a few months later, I looked down

and I had 50,000 words. And you know as an author, right, what that represents. That's a lot of pages. and it wasn't as though I devoted my whole time. I just made incremental change, whether that's in athletics or in the business world or at home as a parent. One step at a time can produce profound results. I love the writing example. I feel that so much. In fact, this morning, I was talking to my literary agent about this recently.

This morning, like an idea struck me that could be good for maybe even a full chapter. and but it was I didn't have my computer around and I just sat there and wrote on my phone to get it all out as much as possible. Obviously it's not that good, but like it's good enough to get on the page then fix it later. I didn't want to forget. And I think whether it's writing or whatever it is for you, that first step is critical because if I would have waited until I got onto my computer, I'm sure the feeling and the thought and the idea might not have been the same or as good, but I felt it in the moment.

And I think that's why it's emblematic of just having this action-oriented mindset, take the first step is very useful for people. I love that. And what I love even more is that you didn't self-censor. Sometimes people do, like they'll say, well, I'm not sure this is that good, or maybe I shouldn't raise it. No, some of the world's most profound innovations came from absolutely wacky-sounding ideas. And here's the thing.

sometimes the best idea is the close cousin of the bad idea. And so by getting that quote unquote bad or not the best idea out on paper, you're leading yourself to the best idea. Yeah. Alex, I couldn't help but watch a pretty emotional video of yours recently about your dad. And I just wanted to ask, how's your dad doing? He's doing well. So the backstory for people who are listening to this is, you know, talking about the things you can control and the things you can't.

On the day my book was released, I got a call saying that my father, who is already in hospice with a terminal brain condition, had contracted COVID and was not likely to live. They thought he had maybe 24 hours. And Ryan, it was absolutely crushing. Here it is. It's supposed to be the happiest day of my professional life. And instead, I'm curled up in a ball, trying to figure out how I'm going to survive this. Losing my dad, I can't say goodbye. I can't be with him. And it was at that moment that I thought, honestly, I'm going to go back to what I wrote. I'm going to go back to the first chapter. And in fact, I wrote about this, Ryan, in the book, because my father's now been. terminally ill for several years. And I thought, what happens for the problems you can't solve? What do you do then? And I couldn't solve my father's brain disease, but what I could solve was finding ways to create connection and to uphold his dignity. And so I thought I can't solve COVID, but I am going to make sure that he knows he is loved, going to find ways to connect with him

over FaceTime. And the other problem I'm going to solve is, I'm going to do what he raised me to do. And I heard his voice in my head saying, go out there and sell the hell out of that book. And Ryan, I couldn't do that immediately. It was so hard. But I leaned on friends and colleagues and the 650 person launch team that I built. And those were, folks went out and carried the water for me. And I resolved to make this part of the story, to let people know that the skills and ask for more, yes, can help you in your career, but they can help you with so much more than that. You know, in a world where it feels like so much is out of your control, when you focus on the problems you can solve, it really

brings a sense of peace. And P.S., my dad kicked COVID. I can't believe this, Ryan, but last week we got the news that he had tested negative. He just kept showing up every day and he beat it even being in hospice. It's unbelievable to witness. Wow. Just kept showing up. How cool is that? Have you got a chance to see him yet?

I'm going up next week. Awesome. I'm so happy for you. That is really cool. I don't think I could end it any better than that. I'm going to leave it where it is, Alex. So I very much appreciate the energy and passion and your investment of time today with me. It's just awesome.

And I'd love to continue our dialogue as we both progress. Where would you send everyone to learn more about you online? Absolutely. So people can find me at Alex Carter asks.com, ASKS. That's my website. It's where I have a community. And later in the year, I'm going to be releasing a series of digital courses. I also have free downloads available on the site for anyone who needs those materials.

I also can be found on LinkedIn and Instagram. And, you know, Ryan, when I speak with people, I tell them, guess what, we're now colleagues for life. And so I want to invite your listeners to think of me as your partner in your long-term success and fulfillment. and to tell you how much I've enjoyed this conversation today. Awesome. Well, thank you. Alex, it's been great getting to talk with you. It really just, I feel like these surreal moments every once in a while by getting to do this for a living.

It's just awesome. It's really cool to have connections like this. I just want to thank you for making that impression on me and acknowledge just all the great work that you do. Thank you so much. That means a lot to me. All right. Thanks so much, Alex. Talk to you again soon.

All right. Take care. All right. Wow. Alex is a ball of highly intelligent energy. That was phenomenal. I loved it. A few of the key takeaways.

When asking for a raise and or a promotion, recruit your manager to be your ally. Get on the same side of the table as them. And then your ask should be three things. Optimistic, specific, and justifiable. Analyze those three aspects when you're looking to make an ask for something to ensure it checks all three. And then shift your why questions to what questions. You heard me mess this up over the course of this conversation. And I found it to be extremely useful.

I've thought a lot about it. And then the ultimate open-ended question is tell me. Dot, dot, dot. Tell me about your trip to India instead of asking a closed-ended question. Fascinating stuff from Alex. Once again, I want to thank you for continuing to spread the word, telling a friend or two at a time. This episode of The Learning Leader Show with Alexandra Carter will help you become more effective both at work and at home. And because you continue to do that, you give me the opportunity to do what I love

on a daily basis. And for that, I will forever be grateful. Thank you so much. Talk with you soon. Can't wait.