The Learning Leader Show With Ryan Hawk - 644: Blaine Anderson - The #1 Dating Coach In The World Teaches You How To Genuinely Connect With People

Starting point is 00:00:00 This episode is brought to you by my friends at Insight Global. Insight Global is a staffing and professional services company dedicated to providing amazing people to their clients and taking great care of them. If you need to hire one person, hire a team of people, or transform your business through talent or technical services, Insight Global can get you the people you need and help you develop them to reach their full potential. potential. Developing your people can be tough, but having productive employees can be magic. Visit Insightglobal.com slash learning leader. That's Insightglobal.com slash learning leader to learn more. Welcome to The Learning Leader Show. I am your host, Ryan Hawk. Thank you so much for being here. Go to learningleader.com for show notes of this and all.

Starting point is 00:01:02 podcast episodes, go to learning leader.com. Now, on to tonight's featured leader Blaine Anderson is a dating coach and matchmaker. She's helped more than 3,000 happy clients attract and build long-term relationships. Her work has been featured in the New York Times, Wall Street Journal Forbes, and she earned a deal with Mark Cuban on Shark Tank. Now, you might ask why I would be curious about a dating coach. well, because I think all of life is about building lasting, meaningful relationships. And that is what Blaine helps people do.

Starting point is 00:01:42 Some of the topics we cover, how to become the type of person that others want to follow. This works in both your dating life and in your life as a leader. Then Blaine shares the number one reason people do not get second dates. This is another principle that applies to your professional and personal life. And then Blaine also talks about how she helps her clients build genuine confidence. Really good story there. Ladies and gentlemen, please enjoy my conversation with Blaine Anderson. So this may seem like out of left field for people because you're like one of the greatest,

Starting point is 00:02:26 maybe the best dating coach in the world. And I'm not going on any dates with anyone. other than my wife. With that said, I thought of you, Blaine, when I was rereading some of Charlie Munger stuff, who recently died. And somebody asked them the question, hey, Charlie, how do I get a great wife? And he paused and he said, deserve one. And I feel like, Blaine, your work, that's what it's all about. You're about becoming the type of person that deserves a great wife or a great husband. And so I'd like to focus a lot of our conversation on that element of how you coach people. So to get us started, I am curious, though, to hear more about you and how you got into this line of work of helping guys be better about dating women and going into deeper relationships and eventual marriage and kids and things like that.

Starting point is 00:03:22 Yeah, absolutely. Well, first of all, I love that you said, you know, you're obviously married. you're not looking to date anybody new, but the fact of the matter is you should always be dating your partner. Whether it's your first date, your 40th date, or you've been married for 40 years, date that person. Because that's how you keep the spark alive. That's how you keep the intrigue. That's how you show your appreciation for them. So I love that, you know, you're interested in this stuff, even from a place of having been married and being in a happy relationship. So yeah, how I got into it, I was working actually in the travel industry. That was my passion. I really always enjoyed travel. I enjoyed helping other people

Starting point is 00:03:59 travel. And then in 2020, when the pandemic hit, that business essentially went to zero overnight. Obviously, nobody was traveling. And so at the time, I had been helping guy friends and friends of friends with their dating app profiles because I would see my guy friends' profiles and like, or they'd complain to me like, you know, I'm not really getting matches. I'm not getting on dates. But I take, wait, let me see your profile. And I'd look at their profile. I'd be like, well, you're giving serial killer. So we need to clean this up. And so I would help them improve their profiles.

Starting point is 00:04:31 And they'd be like, wow, like things that seemed obvious to me, I realized were not obvious specifically to guys. And so once they'd clean up their profile, they'd get more matches. I'd help them with their conversations to get to dates. So when I found myself essentially unemployed, I thought, okay, this advice I've been giving to people is going to be even more important. you know, now that dating dynamics are changing with lockdown and more important to have a great profile if you want to get matches because you can't even meet people in person, can I create a

Starting point is 00:05:03 course that teaches everything I tell these men that I'm already working with in an easier, more accessible format where I can deliver it to more people at once. So that was what sparked the idea for my first course, which is my dating master class and is still my most popular product today and a variety of other products now. And so I created this course. And truly at the time, it was like, okay, travel's going to come back soon. This is just something to, you know, experiment with, have fun with, maybe make some money in the meantime. And then I very quickly realized, because mind you, this was 2020. It was before there were a ton of dating coaches that this was a product that people needed and that I was getting, I was helping people get really great results and that I

Starting point is 00:05:45 really liked it. There's still nothing better in the world to me than when I get an email that says, like, you know, I took your course, whether it was a month ago or a year ago or two years ago, it helped me learn or do X, Y, Z, and I just got married or I'm engaged to the love of my life. Like, there is no better feeling. So once I, like, started to get that drug, I was like, wow, I'm good at this. Like, people are really enjoying it. I want to double down. So it really just snowballed from there. It's been, I've been doing it full time since, yeah, 2020. And I love it. Wow. Well, one of the tweets you put out that really caught my attention that I think, not only applies to dating, but applies to life. And also, Blaine, I am a, my background is in

Starting point is 00:06:25 professional selling. My first 12 years of my career, I was a sales rep, manager, director, VP. And so I think professional sales and selling is the most noble thing in the world. The world would come to a screeching halt if salespeople didn't exist. I think your stuff works there too, because ultimately, what are you doing? You're selling yourself to another person. And Dan Pink wrote a great book to sell as human that is all about exactly the things you're going to talk about. So we're going to go deep on how you help people get really good at this important skill that some think like is sleazy or is not right. And I think what you do in selling is the opposite of that. So one of them is why do people not get second dates? Okay, there's a lot of reasons, I'm sure, but one of them is they talk too much about themselves.

Starting point is 00:07:13 And there's this 7030 rule. Can you go deeper on why, especially guys, don't get second dates. Yeah, so one of the reasons, especially men, are not landing second dates, is that they are talking too much. They're talking too much about themselves. Someone, man or woman, is going to perceive a date to be better if they talked more, if they shared more. So if you're a man and you want a second date, because my clients are primarily men, if you want a second date with a woman, your goal should be to keep her talking. So, you know, have to be dogmatic about making sure she's talking 70% and you're talking 30. But if you aim for that, especially if you're a talker, you might actually land someplace closer to 50-50. And that is going

Starting point is 00:08:00 to work in your favor. If you are talking more than her, that is likely going to work against you. And what you talk about is also important. So I see a lot of guys make the mistake of talking about things that are easy for them to talk about. And what's easy for most people to talk about? Their work. it's something that they do all day every day whether or not they like it that's a really easy thing for them to get deep on and talk about confidently so it's not that you can't talk about your work but if you fall into the habit of really getting into the logistics of your job and why you do what you do you know especially from a place of talking about it more intellectually than emotionally you are probably not going to create a romantic vibe on the date.

Starting point is 00:08:47 And that in conjunction with talking too much is going to seal the deal on no second date. One of the, so I realize that. And one of the issues, though, is you can actually overdo it. And one of the ways that I overdo it, whether I go out to lunch with guys, girls, anybody, I'm trying to connect with people as part of my business is I actually turn into interview mode, where it's like, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, question, question, question, question, follow up, follow up, follow up. And while that shows love from my curiosity and them and their story and being a good listener, right, good body language, all that stuff, that might be taking it too far.

Starting point is 00:09:22 Can you let me know about this happy? Because this is about connecting with other people, okay? Whether you're dating or whether you're just having a business lunch, you want to connect with that other person, right? You want a second date, meaning if you're a sales professional, you want to be able to show the demo of your product to get to that second date, right? So how do you make sure you don't overdo it like I do sometimes where you just hammer them with questions and make it more conversational and less like interviewy. Yeah, that's a great point. So you have, you want to pull the conversational thread. So usually when it feels like bam, bam, bam, bam, interview, it's because you're jumping from one question to another to another and the

Starting point is 00:09:58 topic is not cohesive. But if you ask one question, you get an answer and then you pull the conversational thread and ask a follow up question about that same thing, that's where you can start having a conversation. Also, share a little bit about yourself. So she shares, oh, you know, that's interesting. I actually also have been to Japan. My favorite thing I did there was XYZ. What was your favorite thing you did on that trip? So you're providing connection, you're providing something for her to connect with you on while then asking a relevant follow-up question. And a key part of like, okay, how do I know whether I'm talking too much or I'm the one in interview mode is you have to be self-reflective. And that's a really important part of whether you're

Starting point is 00:10:45 dating romantically or you're at the business meeting. If you're trying to connect with people and you're trying to get that second date, that second meetup, that second sales call, you need to not just be going through the motions of what feels good for you, but really take the time to reflect. How much talking did I do on that? How much did I ask interesting follow-up questions that got her thinking and feeling something besides just reciting facts. Really paying attention to that and looking back on it is going to help you perform better in the future and perfect your strategy. You know, one of the weird ones playing that happens to me sometimes is, let's say you're

Starting point is 00:11:27 at lunch and they serve the food. And 10 minutes later, you look at each other's plates of food. and in my case what happens a lot is my food is gone and they haven't touched theirs yet. What does that mean? That means they've talked that entire 10 to 15 minutes because I've been listening and eating while they've been talking. And so if you look at like food proportions on your plate, you want it to be kind of balanced. You know what I mean?

Starting point is 00:11:52 Like you wanted to be like because that means that they're talking more than you. You be curious. You ask questions. I think it sounds funny, but like I've noticed it so many times. And then I started thinking, well, maybe it's because I'm. messing up by asking too many questions. But I think if you look down though and you're the person who hasn't touched their food and their food is gone, that means you talk too much.

Starting point is 00:12:13 Yeah, yeah. I think that's actually a great sort of pulse check and like check where you're at. Like are we in pace with one another with our meals? Yeah. It's interesting. The other one though you mentioned is you want to talk about yourself, right? But we also know those people who are one uppers. Okay.

Starting point is 00:12:29 Again, this is dating and just anywhere with people. We don't want to be the one up or like, oh, I went to Japan. Oh, well, I went to Japan. And when I did that, we did all this stuff. So they're like, oh, cool, thanks, dude, you know, where you just one up them all time. We all know those people like, I think that's a careful nuance that we don't want to go down that path. No, you definitely don't want to do that. Although I do, at least I like to hope that's not generally the problem for men on dates. Like, if you're trying to one date, we need to like, you know, have a serious. But you know, but you see that maybe. I know those people, yeah.

Starting point is 00:13:05 Yeah, I think that's really important. Another element that you talk about as far as like earning the second date or earning a potential future relationship is what people are looking for in the other person. And you've talked about the trajectory of a guy usually, right, that how important it is for, I think a woman in this case to say like, oh, he looks like he's going places. He's got ambition. He's got a work ethic. He's in shape.

Starting point is 00:13:33 Like these types of things, can you go deeper on the importance, again, I think this applies well beyond dating, but the importance of being able to confidently mix with some humility, talk about your trajectory in life. Yeah. So that really comes down. Another way of saying that is marketing yourself. Are you able to market yourself in an authentic way so women can see that you are going places?

Starting point is 00:13:59 So women are only, women, men, anyone you're talking to, they're only going to know. they're only going to know what you show and tell them. So you want to find the balance of sharing things about yourself that indicate you are on an upward trajectory without coming across as, you know, too braggy or the one up stratity, like the one up syndrome or bragging. And that's where like this self-reflection comes in and really thinking about like, how did I say that? What was my intention behind sharing that. But generally what I find, especially on dates, is you are there to learn about each other. And so you want to talk about the things that are going to happen, your goals, your dreams, your aspirations. These are things that are relevant to a potential

Starting point is 00:14:47 romantic partner. So if you are sharing them in an authentic way from a place of getting to know one another, not a place of, hey, I'm trying to impress this woman, you're going to be in a good spot. So really your underlying intent is important there. And then the reason it's so important that you share about your trajectory is because to the point that you said, a woman or whoever you're romantically interested in wants to know you're going places. If they're thinking about hitching their wagon to yours, are you someone that they can rely on?

Starting point is 00:15:19 Are you someone, if it's a man and woman dynamic, who they can potentially count on if they are going to step back from their career and have a child or raise a family. Obviously, that's much further down the line. But if you are meeting someone in a romantic context, even if they are subconsciously thinking about these things, even just from an evolutionary standpoint, it is going to play in. They aren't going to want to hitch their wagon to somebody who can't be relied on, who isn't going to be a good provider, both emotionally and, you know, actually physically. Okay. Let's get into a stereotype. and potentially debunk it or maybe help somebody who it's true.

Starting point is 00:15:59 Nice guys. I'm thinking of a friend of mine, right? And super nice dude will, like, do anything for you. I love him, not in a relationship right now. It should be. Like, you're, it's surprising, but he's, he's very nice, right? And you've written about this. So someone who's deemed, quote, a nice guy that, like, they have a lot of friends that are

Starting point is 00:16:22 girls and girls love them, but they don't want to. date them. How do you help those types of guys? Yeah, yeah. I work with a lot of self-described nice guys. So the guys who hear the text, oh, you're really nice, but I just didn't feel that romantic connection. The good news is they generally have a very good base of where they're starting from. They're a pleasant person to spend time with. They know how to show up when they need to. So that's a good base of like versus, you know, like you're an asshole and don't care about other people. like that's a much harder place to come back from. So the general problem with the nice guy is he's putting other people before himself, including people he doesn't know very well. And so the reason

Starting point is 00:17:05 you hear like, oh, women like assholes is because there actually are certain traits that, quote, assholes have that make them appealing as a potential mate. And I sort of referenced this before, but thinking back to evolutionary biology is the woman or the cave woman going to one, the guy who gives away all of his resources and will bend over backwards for somebody he barely knows at the expense of himself or is she going to be interested in the caveman who goes after what he wants isn't afraid of what other people thinks gets the damn thing done it's going to be that he goes out and kills the food he goes and kills the animal so we can eat right it doesn't give it to somebody else right yeah so if you're the guy who's going after what you want you're not

Starting point is 00:17:47 worried about what other people think about you or you know what you're doing that's attractive to a woman. And likewise, if you are, you know, making accommodations for a woman you haven't even met yet, like, you know, she's canceling on you. And it's like, it's okay. Do you want to go out tomorrow night instead? Like, I'm free Thursday, Friday and Saturday. Like, that is unattractive, as opposed to somebody who holds a boundary. Like, okay, your date cancels on you. Cool, no problem. Let me know if you want to get together another time. And then they move on with their life. Yeah. It doesn't mean you have to be a dick. Well, okay, screw you for canceling. See you never. but acknowledge it and then move on because you don't know this person.

Starting point is 00:18:25 How do you think that applies outside of dating? Because I think this works with you're going to hire somebody. Because like we're not going to hire someone who's super desperate. He was like, yeah, I can interview anytime. Just let me know. You know, like, yes, you want to be available and you want to be aggressive and excited to work at that place. But you also like want to be in demand. You know what I mean?

Starting point is 00:18:44 So there's an art to that. Absolutely. It applies across the board. Even with friendships. If you think about the person who's like eagerly wanting to hang out, the underlying thing that you are thinking is like, why, like, does nobody else want to hang out with them? Does nobody else want to hire them? Does nobody else want to buy this product from them? We're just, as humans, we have, we want, I don't want to say we want what we can't have, but we do want the thing that's in demand. We want the thing that other humans recognize as high value.

Starting point is 00:19:16 So if you can present yourself as a high value human, whether it's in dating or in dating, sales or in business or in relationships in general, people are going to be drawn to that. Well, we want what's in demand. Like Renee Gerard, I remember Luke Burgess wrote wanting like it's all about this memetic desire, like humans from an evolutionary perspective want what other people want. It's weird, but it's how we are. And so if you're like, I want to ask you to Blaine, how that, how that like memetic desire, this wanting part of how our brains are wired, how that mixes. Let's say, you know what,

Starting point is 00:19:55 I want that girl. I want to marry that girl. Or I want that job. I want that one, right? I made up my mind. I want to commit. I want that thing really bad. So let's say we're feeling like that. We've made that decision. We're not like, well, I got four offers. I don't know. I'll just kind of figure it out. You know what I mean? You're past that stage and you decided this is the thing that you want. How do you go about doing it in a way so that you actually get it and not come across as being pick me or desperate or no other options? How do you go about doing that the right way? Yeah, well, I feel like it might be slightly different in dating than something like a job. We're in a business since, like I think there could be an argument for doubling down and really making your desire

Starting point is 00:20:41 known and blowing the other candidates out of the water. We're with dating, if you do, if you go for that strategy, especially with someone who you don't actually know that well, because what I see is if you feel that way about a woman who you've been on less than five dates with, it is generally your ego that is fueling that. Not because you know you and her have some next level connection and that you're meant to be soulmates. Like, no, probably not. You probably think she like looks good in yoga pants and, you know, you're going to feel really good if you can introduce her to your friends as your girlfriend. So having that like, oh, I have to be with her is generally a sign that pump the breaks, actually maybe go on dates with other people and recognize like, do I want to be with her

Starting point is 00:21:28 so badly because it's true, it's truly this rare connection that I haven't felt before? Or is it because my ego is telling me if I can get her, then I feel better about myself, then I'm also a stud and I can feel confident. So I would definitely like pulse check that. Gotcha. Okay. I want to talk about I got to haven't done this forever, but like approaching and potentially like opening slash pickup lines.

Starting point is 00:21:58 If that's even the right terminology, again, way out of way out of the game. But still think it's worth it to be good at this, even if you're married or you're, again, you're trying to build relationships with just humans in general. Yeah. So what are some of your your, your coach? points on approaching somebody cold. Where's the best place? How do you go about doing it? Like things to say. I just read like what I think is a funny pickup line that I'm going to test on you in a second. But I want you to answer that first. And then we'll go there.

Starting point is 00:22:27 Yeah. Well, first of all, you're totally right. This is absolutely still relevant like in a networking or making friends sense. If you're trying to build community, you're going to want to approach people. If you're trying to network and meet people in your industry, you're going to want to be able to approach people. So it's definitely relevant whether or not you're single. The thing that guys around dating and approaching tend to get wrong is twofold. One, they feel like they do need that perfect pickup line. And the problem I have with lines is they usually were written by somebody else and therefore aren't authentic to you and in your voice. So it feels like you are reciting something. It doesn't feel organic. And you don't feel confident in it. And that is the hands down the single most

Starting point is 00:23:07 important thing when you are approaching, and I like to call it opening a conversation, is that you come across as confident and authentic. Because if you, no matter what you say, you could have the best quote line in the world. If it feels inauthentic and you're lacking confidence, it's probably not going to result in the outcome that you're looking for. So that plays into thinking about where you're going to approach women and what you're going to say. I think that. you can feel it in general with a person when they're trying to be something they're not versus as well as you can feel it when somebody is I use the phrase comfortable in their own skin they know themselves

Starting point is 00:23:52 well they have this this they kind of exude confidence not like in an arrogant way but in a way of like just being comfortable and that's an attractive trait in anybody guy a girl like whatever like I like being around people like that what this may be too big of a question but like how do you give off that aura? Like how do you authentically do that? Yeah. Well, you have to become that, right?

Starting point is 00:24:14 You know, you have to, you can't, it's a kind of tricky thing. Because like on one hand, like you do need to fake it till you make it. And there are certain ways that can help you, quote,

Starting point is 00:24:24 fake confidence. Like, is your posture good? Are you making eye contact? Are you speaking affirmatively? And in a, you know, confident voice,

Starting point is 00:24:34 which means, you know, avoiding the upspeak, like, asking a question, talking clearly and loudly, those things are going to help you come across as more confident. And those are a great place to start, like check those things about yourself. But ultimately, what's really going to give you that feeling, that sort of like undeniable feeling that you just described, is actually becoming confident. So some low-hanging fruit ways I recommend

Starting point is 00:24:59 guys do that is get really good at something. Is there something in your life you enjoy doing and you're good at? It could be karate. It could be, you know, running. It could be, I personally like active things because that tends to have help you across also look better and feel better mentally and physically, but it could be, you know, trivia if that's like something that you enjoy. Like, just picking something in your life and getting really good at it is going to help you build confidence if you're coming from a place of not having a lot of confidence today. This may be controversial, but I don't think it should be. You got to feel good about how you look. I think you have to. That's why I work out every day.

Starting point is 00:25:39 Part of it is like a vanity thing. I want to feel good. When I show up in a room to like to give a speech or to work with leadership team, I got to feel good about myself. And so I'm going to punish myself in the gym every day and run and try to eat decent so that I feel and look good. I think that matters a lot. And it sounds like,

Starting point is 00:25:58 like are you being rude for saying that? No. Like who wants to partner up, whether it's in a relationship to get married and have kids or just in general in business, Who wants the partner up with the slug? Nobody. And I don't think there's anything wrong with that. You got to become that. I think it's important to not just blow past that point, that it's important that you got to feel it. And the only way to feel it is to truly, like, do the thing to get into that type of shape so you feel good when you walk in the room. I completely agree. And I don't think that should be as controversial as people try and twist it to be.

Starting point is 00:26:31 Yeah. How do your husband, I was going to say pick you up, but whatever the phrase is, how did your husband get you? Yeah, he approached me at the gym. Really? Yeah, we were at a workout class in San Francisco. And I was standing in the lobby after class. This is why I actually love fitness classes as a place to meet people because they're starting in time. People are coming and going at the same time.

Starting point is 00:26:53 So it's much easier than the gym. You can't approach a woman while she's running on the treadmill or on the gym floor that tends to feel like you're out of touch. But a class, okay, there's ample time before and after to start up a conversation. And so I was standing in the lobby. It was, have you been to a Barry's class? I haven't, but I know what they are. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:27:12 Yeah. So I was in Barry's, San Francisco, Marina location. If you go to Barry's, then you're like, oh, marina location. Okay, got it. And I was just standing there and he walked up to me and was like, hey, I've seen you here before and we haven't met. So I wanted to introduce myself. Really awkwardly, my response was, oh, do you work here?

Starting point is 00:27:34 Now in hindsight, now we like laugh about it. He's like, I was mortified. I had, like, you know, gotten the courage to walk up and say hello to you. And, like, you asked if I worked there. And I was like, well, in my defense, like, people who work there are in really good shame. But he was at that point, he's like, okay, I'm out. He's like, no, I don't work here. We just took class together.

Starting point is 00:27:52 Apparently, we've been taking the same class, like, multiple days a week for months. But, like, I hadn't noticed him. But he'd noticed me. And so at that point, I was like, oh, nice to meet you. We said, you know, exchanged names. And he's like, okay, we'll buy and walked away. And in his head, he's like, oh my God, like, that was like really awkward. Like, nothing's happening there.

Starting point is 00:28:12 But because we had been met each other and I now saw him, the next time we were in the same class together a few days later, I recognized him and we said, hello. So then he had broken the ice. Now we know each other. So we would say hello and have brief conversations over a few meetings. And then from there, you know, we had good conversation. We discovered we actually had some mutual friends. we had things in common and he eventually asked me out like we talked like three or four times

Starting point is 00:28:39 what did he want to do it the first time but was nervous or scared or like what was this approach? I'm actually a so what I call a high stigma environment is someplace like the gym or a workout class where a woman is going to be less inclined to give you her phone number the first time you speak because she knows she's going to keep seeing you like I don't want to go on a date with some guy if I don't know if there's a vibe or a connection yet especially if I'm going to keep seeing him. So someplace that you know you're going to see this woman again, you're actually better off building some connection and having a few conversations so she can be like, oh, and for his sake, we have things in common. Like, we've had some good banter. He's made me laugh.

Starting point is 00:29:22 That's going to increase your chances of hearing yes when you do ask her out. So I think he actually played that one. I don't know. Like if the first day, if I asked, right after I asked if he worked there, If he had then said, like, can I take you on a date? It probably would have been like, uh, what? No, you know, like I know nothing about you. That's hard though, especially if he'd been like, I mean, this sounds bad, like eyeing you for five or six classes and you had noticed them. He's probably like, let's go.

Starting point is 00:29:47 I got a shot. Let's go. And then he, to his credit, he held off like patients won. Yeah. And that is really key. I think when you're getting to know a woman and asking her out. And that's something guys get wrong all the time. And I think this would also apply to business is if you approach a woman or you approach a deal.

Starting point is 00:30:02 and you're just trying to get to the final step of asking for her phone number or closing the deal, you're going to rush through a lot of the important and essential steps in between of building trust, of creating that connection, of finding a reason to ask her out or a reason they need the thing you're selling. So it's important that you don't rush through that process because you're just focused on getting the phone number, which is what a lot of guys do. And then even when they get the phone number, if they didn't establish that connection and trust, Is she going to go on the date with you? Maybe not.

Starting point is 00:30:37 I remember earlier in my career, Blaine, my dad was a sales leader. I was a sales rep at the time. And I was like aggressively just trying to close everything, you know, like going after it. I'm talking about sales, not women. And so I'm like, you know, trying to bulldoze my way through these things. And eventually sometimes you get lucky here and there, you know. And he would go, hey, hey, dude, dude. The close is the period at the end of a.

Starting point is 00:31:02 very long sentence. You've done no discovery. You have not connected. You haven't gotten to know them. You don't understand their problems like in sales, right? You got to create a gap between current state and desired state and the fact that your solution is what closes that gap. But that takes effort and time and communication and questions and curiosity and listening. And if you don't do that, then you're trying to bodeos your way. And yes, you'll get lucky everyone once in a while because somebody needs the thing, whatever. But if you want to get really, really, really good. You have to think of it as the close is just the period at the end of a very, very long sentence. You've got to do all that work leading up to that moment. Absolutely. And the same goes for approaching a woman. Yeah, exactly. Okay. The next point

Starting point is 00:31:48 is humor and how important it is to be funny, but like actually funny, not have like terrible jokes. And so I know that is a way to just connect with people in general. It's such a connector and certainly can get guys who are like not as good as looking or don't have other things going on for them. We see it all the time, right? Then you see their girlfriend and her wife. You're like, what? And sometimes it's whether it's not money or whatever. The dude is super funny.

Starting point is 00:32:16 So can you talk about humor and especially for like the average person like most of us who are not stand up comedians? They're not that good. but that we can use humor to connect with others. Yeah, absolutely. So I, listen, you don't have to be a comedian to be good at dating and to get attractive women, but it's certainly a really valuable asset. And the nice thing about being funny is that is a developable skill. You can develop a sense of humor.

Starting point is 00:32:46 You can become funnier through your delivery and your confidence and learning jokes. And so you can't make yourself taller. You can't always change how. attractive you are. There's certain things, obviously, you can look your best, but there's a lot of that that's out of your control. Having a good sense of humor is in your control. So take a stand-up comedy class, take an improv class, watch comedy, practice your delivery. And developing that can absolutely help in your dating life because to your point before, it's one of those things that women really value because it makes them feel good. And just checking with yourself on how you,

Starting point is 00:33:25 you make women feel is an underrated litmus test for how you're doing dating. How does it feel to spend time with you? Does it feel good? Are you making her laugh? Are you making her feel wanted? Are you making her feel special because you're interested in the things she's saying? That is going to improve your outcomes dating in a large and meaningful way. I think one of the ways you can show respect and love for another person, and certainly with the most important relationship in your life, if you are married or if you're striving towards that, to me, like my love language is curiosity. That's a way that I give and receive love in a big way. If you're genuinely curious about me, I love you. And I try to show that to other others as well, like be genuinely interested in them.

Starting point is 00:34:17 And that's hard sometimes because there's some people I'm not genuinely interested in. I guess I just keep it moving. But for the most part, I think curiosity and genuine listening and follow up questions that take that conversation deeper, that maybe even takes a person to a place they haven't been before. I haven't been in a long time is how you can connect. By the way, this happens in business relationships too. But I feel like that is an ultimate sign of respect and love is to be genuinely curious about them. What do you think?

Starting point is 00:34:48 I absolutely agree. And I think the key word there is genuine. And it's underrated. I touched on this when we were talking about trajectory and showcasing or marketing your trajectory. Your underlying emotion is important. So if you're just asking questions because you heard here that you need to talk 70% in the time, that's not going to work as well as becoming a genuinely curious person

Starting point is 00:35:15 who is interested in meeting another human. And that's something people get wrong on dates, is they're coming to the date, sort of like they're going to the approach with the goal of getting the phone number, or they're taking the sales call with the goal of closing the sale, and they're skipping that in between.

Starting point is 00:35:29 If you're going on a date, going through the motions of wanting to get the second date or wanting to impress her to get something, whether it's sleep together or just that second meetup, you're not going to do as well as if you can approach the date as, this is another human being with a totally unique and interesting set of experiences that I want to hear about. And if you can come at things with that mindset, you're going to get better outcomes.

Starting point is 00:35:56 I read that you said women want three things. They want some sort of status. They want to feel desired and they want to have fun. Can you go deeper on these three things? And maybe there's more. Maybe you've added to that or you tweak that, but on what they actually want. Yeah, I think those three things that you mentioned, social status, desire, and flirting and fun are really encapsulate what women are looking for. And obviously there's a ton of subcategories

Starting point is 00:36:24 that make up those things. I have an entire, so my dating master class, which I referenced before, is a five module course. And an entire module of that is dedicated to explaining what those things are because it's not as simple as like, okay, you hear women want status. Okay, be high status. Like what does that actually mean? Trajectory, for example, is one of the things that plays into that. Confidence is one of the things that plays into that. That is going to show a woman that you are high status. It's not about how much money is in your bank account.

Starting point is 00:36:54 It's not about the car you drive. It's about the feeling and the vibe that you bring to every interaction. And it kind of also goes back to what we were talking about before where people want somebody who's in demand or people want things that are in demand. being in demand indicates and elevates your status. Do people want to talk to you at a party? Do people, even like take the workout class example. If you're somebody who is social, you're talking to the front desk girl, you know the coach,

Starting point is 00:37:23 that is going to elevate your status and everyone around you's eyes because people want to communicate with you. And so it's a lot of those subconscious things that are going to tell a woman whether or not you have status. The desire point is really important because that's what creates the remote. chemistry. A woman can think your high status, but if she doesn't feel desired by you, and there's not that romantic undertone in your interactions with her, she's not going to see you as a romantic partner. And then the flirting and fun becomes important because even if you're, you know,

Starting point is 00:37:57 expressing your desire appropriately and even if she sees you as high status, if you're not fun to be around and it doesn't feel good to spend time with you, which I mentioned before, whether it's through humor through being genuinely interested. She's not going to want to be in a relationship with you. So all three of those things need to rise together and be present for there to be the possibility of her wanting to date you or to marry you or to go on a second date. It's like a lot of just people in general. We want to be around optimist.

Starting point is 00:38:30 We want to be around people who believe in doing big things. The same is true if you are a leader at a company. I remember Bert being CEO of Insight Global. He was like, hey, dude, let's talk through your 2025 plan, ambition and all the stuff. And I was laying out some goals that were, you know, kind of good, but, but, but like, I was probably going to hit all of them. And he's like, dude, where's like, get the Netflix show, need five million bucks from you to help support. Like, where's that stuff? We don't want to get behind people who are just going to set achievable goals and do that.

Starting point is 00:39:01 We want to follow the person that's going to go big. And I think the same thing's probably true with dating. Like it's exciting to partner up with somebody who wants to get after it, has big ambitions, even if they don't hit them. Not blustery, fake confidence, like arrogant. Not that. Someone who like has this zest for life, this optimism that they're going to go do big things. I think that's super attractive just in a person in general.

Starting point is 00:39:25 I absolutely agree. But I also think for like, you know, the guy who might be listening, he's like, that's just not my goal. Like I don't want a Netflix show. I don't need to close a multimillion dollar deal. It can actually come through a different way. Maybe you really like cooking and your goal is to open a food truck one day. Or you are, you have a rescue dog and you're really passionate about that and you want to

Starting point is 00:39:45 open a farm one day that provides housing for other dogs and need. There are, it doesn't have to be something that's like big and impressive to everybody. It just needs to be something that you are working towards that is providing fulfillment for you and you're excited about. It's having that excitement for life. Yes. I love that. I mean, having something that you can kind of pour your heart into. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:40:10 Like this person gets excited. They got a zest for life. That's a quality you used to describe my wife. My wife is the most optimistic person I know. And it's one of the most attractive of many good qualities. It's near or at the top of the list of like this zest for like, let's go. We're going to do this. It doesn't matter what the thing is. It's just the random Saturday at a soccer tournament. Like let's go. That to me is just a super attractive. attractive quality in a human and a leader. If you're running a company or running a business and you want people to follow you, I think the kind of pessimist of like,

Starting point is 00:40:43 I don't know, the realist, like the complainer, nobody wants to be around that person. You get in line to follow the one who like has the juice, like has the belief that we can go do this thing. And life is more fun when you're excited. When you're excited about going to the soccer game and you make it something to be

Starting point is 00:40:59 excited about like how much more fun is life than when it's like, oh, we have to like go to another. anchor game today and stand out in the heat. Like, that's not a fun way to live your life. So why would you want to, you know, marry someone or be with someone who's bringing that energy as opposed to like the, oh, I can't wait for the dessert menu. I'm so excited to like, I'm a chocolate cake, you know. Yeah, like just get juiced up about the stuff that you're doing. If not, then don't do it. I think that's a, just a big way to live in general. It also, it relates to friendships for sure.

Starting point is 00:41:31 We can all think of those friends in our lives who are like, like, one of my buddies, we just went to a concert last week. He's not a fan of the band. I was. And he's like, you know what, though? I'm a great concert friend. I don't care. He gets a party bus. We have a great time on the way down there. We get there dancing, like everywhere. He didn't even like the music. Like, I loved him. I love him for like in our group of friends because they're like, let's go. Let's just have a good time. We're going to lift this place up as opposed to the one who's like, oh, I don't really like the band. So like I'll just kind of sit here in the corner. Like, no, if you're going to do it, You might as well go big.

Starting point is 00:42:04 Okay. This Wall Street Journal article just came out. Like, it's funny that we booked this prior to this article coming out. And without going too deep into it. But basically, there's this one example. This woman, Katie, spent her first half of 2024 going on three to four dates a week, men, she met on apps, all this stuff with the hopes of finding a husband before she turned 30. And she has this quote at the end of it because basically it didn't work out for her. And she said, the only thing you can put 10,000 hours into and end up right where you started.

Starting point is 00:42:32 That's what she said about this. What are your thoughts on this like is an epidemic? Is it this problem where there's these professional women who, you know, educated good jobs. They're not finding the people they want. And so for guys, it's like we got to we got to step it up, right? At least based on this Wall Street Journal article, what do you think about that? Well, I wouldn't say not finding who you are looking for in the dating market is isolated to successful women. I think that is something that men and women are facing right now.

Starting point is 00:43:06 It's why I have a job. And it's actually why my business from courses and coaching has also turned into doing it doing matchmaking is because people are struggling to find those people on their own. I think part of the problem we are seeing today is actually a surplus of options. In a lot of cases, having more options of people to go on dates with, and more options of potential partners actually isn't that helpful. And you have social media, you have Instagram, you have dating apps where you can just swipe through 100 people and it feels like there might always be somebody better if you just swipe

Starting point is 00:43:46 one more time, if you just go on one more date. And it's leading to people not willing to commit and go deeper with any one person because they're fearful of missing out that the next better person is right around the corner. And I think that's, I mean, that's maybe a second, that's maybe a different point than that Wall Street Journal article was making, which was like women are excelling at a faster rate than like their peer, their men counterparts. I think that was maybe more of like the summary of the article, which may also be true. But I think technology is certainly adding to the struggles people are seeing dating nowadays. Well, what do you think about that, that more women are graduating college

Starting point is 00:44:28 Most of them, at least from that article states, they don't want to date or marry someone who hasn't also graduated college, doesn't have ambition, doesn't have like high trajectory, which I get, again, maybe harsh truth, but seems like it's real. What do you think about that? You know, that's a good podcast in and of itself. I feel like kind of unpacking, you know, like the state of the current man. Yeah. You know, I think it is real that men are struggling. I've conducted some of my own survey style. data on loneliness and it's an epidemic specifically among young single men and it's a problem and I think you know I could speculate why you know we aren't like having to use our bodies and ourselves in the same way that we used to which men made men quote more valuable and now you know it's about mentally more what you bring to the table and emotionally can you relate to others

Starting point is 00:45:25 So I think it's important that young men, you know, from an earlier age, like we're finding a way to nurture them so that they can grow into the men that women want to date. Because unfortunately, we're coming into a time that women don't need men even to reproduce necessarily. They can do that on their own. So we need to make sure men are equipped to be the type of person and be the type of man that a woman actually wants. to be with. And then, I mean, I think there's a whole other side of it, like women's expectations and what's actually going to make them happy? Is it a guy who's gone to college or is it a guy who you're excited to come home to at the end of the day? Like those dynamics are a whole other conversation. But there's definitely some big shifts happening right now and it's going to be interesting to

Starting point is 00:46:16 see how things develop in the next decade, I think. It's similar to leadership in that if you want people to follow you, you have to be the person worthy of others following. What are you actually doing to make people want to follow you? You can't just say, well, I'm the leader or I have the title. That's not how it works. Or I'm the man. So therefore you should fall in line. Exactly. Exactly. What are you actually doing? What are you accomplishing? How are you making society better? How are you adding value to other people's lives? I think that's how I try to approach my business. I know that's how you do too. of what did I do today to make my client's lives better? What did I do today to make the listeners of this podcast lives better? And if I'm not earning it every single day, I don't deserve

Starting point is 00:47:01 anybody to follow me. And I think that's just trying to take ownership. It's on me, right, to become that person, to continue to become that person, especially in my marriage as well, it's not like you get married like, well, I guess we're good. It's like the opposite. Yeah. I'm trying to impress her every single day. I'm trying to get better. I'm trying to improve. That's why we're having this conversation. I want to get better at all of these things because that makes you more worthy of someone else wanting to commit to you. And I just don't think that ever ends, no matter what your situation is.

Starting point is 00:47:31 You've got to keep after it. In fact, I think you've got to keep getting better and better or it goes stale. It goes the other way. Absolutely. And taking accountability, which is basically like, you know, the summary of what you just said, putting that on yourself to make your relationship with your wife better, putting that on yourself to provide value to your clients, not thinking like, oh, well, my wife like didn't you know she didn't show up for me today or my client like he didn't do the work or

Starting point is 00:47:56 whatever it may be or like oh she doesn't want a second date like women are the problem it's realizing that what you put out is going to be what you attract yes complete side conversation here but i'm curious on your twitter profile picture you have your hands by to the sides of your face which I'm curious because I know you're very intentional and you can see two tattoos on your wrist. I'm curious, what made you choose that picture for your Twitter profile picture? Yeah, so nothing to do with the tattoos, but it's sort of like when you're thinking about a YouTube thumbnail. I'm not sure how deep on thumbnails you are, but it's like the whites of your eyes, whether you're looking into the camera makes the person who's looking at you feel a connection with you. The oftentimes the mouth being open feels more of like an expression.

Starting point is 00:48:47 So that's why I picked that specific photo. Interesting. Okay. It does draw you in. And then what do the tattoos stand for? I know that sounds like that's not part of it. Yeah. This is an omega sign, which is actually my middle name.

Starting point is 00:49:00 Middle name's omega? Mm-hmm. Really? Yeah. I actually, I don't know if I've ever shared that before. So yeah. That's a cool middle name. It was my grandmother's first name.

Starting point is 00:49:10 Wow. Okay. Yeah. And. then this is a cactus. I'm from Arizona. I got a cactus behind me. So a little nod to my roots. Very cool. I mean, one of the things, Blaine, we didn't touch on is just how crazy, impressive it is the business that you've built. I watched your whole pitch on Shark Tank. We don't have enough time to get into all of it, maybe a part two. But the sharks were kind of like falling all over themselves,

Starting point is 00:49:34 like they wanted to do a deal, even though like there are parts of your numbers that you weren't 100% clear on. And Mark Cuban and you did a deal. I know eventually I read. the thread how you kind of undid the deal. But I'm fascinated about like you putting this whole business together and then going on Shark Tank. What was that experience like? Yeah, Shark Tank was amazing. I'm so happy I did it. It was a great, you know, check it off the bucket list item. It definitely push what I'm comfortable with. It scared me, which I think it's important to do things that scare you. It was very anxiety inducing in the moment, but super fun. Everyone is. involved from start to finish, including Mark Cuban, was so nice, so gracious, so generous with

Starting point is 00:50:19 their time. So definitely a bucket list item for me, even though it ultimately didn't work out. One more question before we go. Blaine, let's say you're speaking with someone who's maybe a bit earlier in their career. It doesn't matter if it's a guy or a girl. And they want to leave like a legacy, a positive dent in the world. What are some general pieces of life slash career advice you'd give to them. Yeah. So I think the, or excuse me, let me start again, one of the biggest pieces of advice that I think is important when you're starting to start, when you're starting a business or thinking about the legacy you want to leave is, are you building a business or giving the advice that somebody wants or is it what you want? If you're building the business you want or

Starting point is 00:51:04 building the course that you want to sell, that's not necessarily going to be as effective as building the business or building the course that people want. So it's really important to listen to your ideal client, listen to the people you want to help and you want to serve to make sure you're delivering the thing that's actually going to help them. It's a great point. You have to have something that adds value to people's lives. And one way to learn that is to listen, right? It is to understand where they're at.

Starting point is 00:51:35 Blaine, this is amazing. I really appreciate your time. There's a ton more for us to get to for the next. one. So thank you so much for this. I would love to continue our dialogue. Yeah, definitely. Thank you. Thank you so much for having me. Appreciate it. Thank you. Bye. It is the end of the podcast club. Thank you for being a member of the end of the podcast club. If you are, send me a note, Ryan at learning leader.com. Let me know what you learn from this

Starting point is 00:52:03 great conversation with Blaine Anderson. A few takeaways from my notes. I love that story about Charlie Munger when someone asked them, how do I get a great wife? And Charlie said you got a deserve one. The best way to find a good spouse is to deserve one. In business, this translates to working hard and behaving with integrity consistently over time. To get what you want, you have to deserve what you want. So good. Then when you go out to eat with someone, what percentage of the time are you talking? When you look down at your food and theirs, how much have you eaten versus how much have they? That is an indicator. Aim to talk 30% of the time and listen 70% of the time. The reason we don't get the second date or the follow-up meeting with the prospect if we work in sales is because we are talking too much.

Starting point is 00:52:56 We need to listen more. Ask better follow-up questions. Get deeper in the conversation by learning about them. Be curious. And then how to build genuine confidence. Get good at something. Become an expert. Work really, really hard. Get in great physical shape. It's hard to be confident if you don't like how you look. Sounds harsh, but it's true.

Starting point is 00:53:20 Confidence comes from evidence. Create some evidence for yourself by consistently working hard and getting great at something. That confidence will ooze out of you wherever you go. It's so portable. Once I'm going to say thank you so much for continuing to spread the message and telling a friend or two, hey, you should listen to this episode of The Learning Leaders Show with Blaine Anderson. I think she'll help you become a more effective leader because you continue to do that. And you also go to Spotify and Apple Podcasts and you subscribe to the show. Really important.

Starting point is 00:53:50 You rate it five stars, hopefully. And you write a thoughtful review by doing all of that. You are continually giving me the opportunity to do what I love on a daily basis. And for that, I will forever be grateful. you so, so much. Talk to you soon. Can't wait.

The Learning Leader Show With Ryan Hawk - 644: Blaine Anderson - The #1 Dating Coach In The World Teaches You How To Genuinely Connect With People

There aren't comments yet for this episode. Click on any sentence in the transcript to leave a comment.