The Life Of Bryony - 34. The Life of YOU: How to Break the Anxiety-Alcohol Cycle with Millie Mackintosh

Starting point is 00:00:00 As always, every Friday, I like to give you a recommendation. Now some weeks, these will be cultural, high brow. Can you very quickly in the space of five seconds give me one high brow thing that you've recommended? Welcome to The Life of You, the bonus series where we tackle your dilemmas and share advice to navigate life's trickier moments. I'm joined again by Millie McIntosh for a special Q&A. I feel the exact same.

Starting point is 00:00:37 It's okay to fuck up. It's okay not to be a perfect parent like none of us are. Today, Adam wants to know how to break the cycle of hangxiety when alcohol feels like a crutch for socializing. Amara is struggling to stop comparing herself to perfect moms. And advice on how to approach a loved one about their drinking habits without starting a fight. Your questions answered right after this. The West Side Ripper is back. If you're not killing these people, then who is? That's what I want to know. Starring Kayleigh Cuoco and Chris Messina. The only investigating I'm doing these days is who shit their pants.

Starting point is 00:01:30 Killer messaged you yesterday? This is so dangerous. I gotta get out of this. Based on a true story. New season premieres Monday at 9 Eastern and Pacific. Only on W. Stream on Stack TV. Okay, this one is from Adam. Hi Adam. Hi Adam.

Starting point is 00:01:47 Hi Adam. Now Adam is one of our people. OK. He says, I wake up every weekend with anxiety. Oh honey, I've been there. I absolutely need alcohol in social situations as I'm quite shy. How do I take the first step toward breaking the cycle? I think have like three things that you've got lined up ready to say to people.

Starting point is 00:02:07 That's a good tip. I think it's all about the preparation with the shyness. Like, find ways to make yourself as comfortable as possible in those situations so they feel like easier. Like, go with a friend. Have three people in mind that you're going to go and speak to. Or a work colleague that you know that also knows you feel a bit shy shy that you kind of like can be a bit like your wingman. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:02:28 Don't just not go to anything because I think also isolation isolation like makes it worse. But also I think what our brains are very good at doing is telling us that we're the only people in that room who are shy and anxious without realizing that everyone to a certain degree will have some level of anxiety and everyone is in their own heads, you know? Like no one is actually looking at you. No, because everyone's thinking about themselves. Yeah, and everyone will leave that party

Starting point is 00:02:55 and they will have their own rumination in their head about how they behaved or who they spoke to. And when I remember that, it's like I find it kind of right sizes me in a really lovely way. Yeah, so true. I also think the other tip I would give to people is like play the tape forward and instead of focusing on how uncomfortable that evening might feel because you're not drinking and you're a shy person, play the tape forward and focus on how great you're going to feel the next morning when you wake up.

Starting point is 00:03:32 When you don't have the anxiety, you have a clear head and you remember exactly what happened last night. You remember exactly how you got home. You don't have to look at your WhatsApps and go, fuck, who did I message and what did I say? Yeah, look at like Uber to be like, what time did I get home? Yeah, yeah, yeah. How do I get home? Being like a forensic investigative policeman on your own night out. Like that is not cool. You don't have to do that. No, to track down your possessions and your dignity.

Starting point is 00:03:54 Yeah, no, I've never tracked down my dignity. Still nearly eight years in. Okay this one's a little bit different. It's about motherhood. Okay. From Amara. I'm a mum of two. They're three years old and five. And I feel like I'm constantly failing. I forget to RSVPs for birthday parties. I never seem to respond in time to WhatsApp groups. And the air fryer keeps us fed as I can't manage actual cooking. I think air frying is actual cooking. It's definitely cooking. All my kids' meals are cooked in the air fryer.

Starting point is 00:04:30 Yeah. I- Sound like you're nailing it. Yeah. I see other moms who seem to have it all together. How do I stop comparing myself and find my own rhythm? And that's from Amara. Oh, Amara, I really feel for you

Starting point is 00:04:42 because my kids are the same ages and I forgot my daughter's nativity. Tell us about this, please. Millie forgot her daughter's nativity. Her first one at school. Oh my god, not just her nativity, her first nativity. I hope that you've put money aside for the therapist. I somehow just like missed it and I had so many things in my diary and just, you know,

Starting point is 00:05:03 she'd been talking to me about being an angel and then it literally clicked and I was like, shit, it's today. And I like legged it there and I didn't get a seat but I was there like standing at the back. I felt awful. And I was like, God, I just dropped the ball. It's so hard. And I feel the exact same as Amara. And that's actually something I really felt over the Christmas holidays.

Starting point is 00:05:22 It's so intense that those ages when they're close in age where they're having tantrums and you can't reason with them. And it's just, I think it feels particularly hard in winter as well somehow, because it's like, it's brutally hard, but you have to be kind to yourself and just, I'm telling myself this as well, because I'm not very good at doing it.

Starting point is 00:05:39 And just be like, it's okay not to love it every day. It's okay to fuck up. It's okay not to be a perfect parent like none of us are. In fact, it's actually quite useful to your children if you're not a perfect parent because if you're not a perfect parent, you teach children the skills for not being a perfect human, which is everybody. And if we pretend that we're perfect and everything looks kind of glossy and we're like constantly crafting and baking and, you

Starting point is 00:06:05 know, creating amazing adventures for our children. They'll never understand the reality of life, you know, and I think that's really important. Like the pressure you put on, you don't have to be the best mom, you just have to be a mom. So true. I think also it's really important to show your children that it's okay to fuck up. So, you know, if you shout at them and you get cross, don't just feel the guilt afterwards. Just apologize. Just be like, OK, mommy shouldn't have shouted.

Starting point is 00:06:30 I'm sorry. I've just got overwhelmed. I'll try and not do that next time. And you just move on from it. And it's showing them that you can fuck up and say sorry, and it's OK. And also, if you find yourself saying in your head, criticizing yourself, the thing that you're saying to yourself you

Starting point is 00:06:45 wouldn't say to your child, stop saying it. Like if you're being so horrible. Like imagine like, you know, I found, you know, my child is a bit older now, she's 11. But I have found that like a lot of parenting is actually reparenting myself. I found that a lot in sobriety. Yeah. Whenever I'm getting super stressed, what makes me feel good again is when I have one of those moments with them where we're all just laughing, or I'm having a cuddle, or just having that really nice quality time and we're holding hands and we go and get like a cake or something. It's just like lovely. And I'm like, oh, I just need this just to remember when it feels good again.

Starting point is 00:07:21 You know, sometimes Amara, instead of like trying to be the mum, why don't you just get down on their level, sit down in the mess with them and just be a kid with them? My wife has a complicated relationship with alcohol and I'm not sure how to help without starting a fight. What might be the best approach without it sounding like I'm criticizing her? Should I get her friends to talk to her? And that's from Anon. I want to say get her my book but as it's called Bad Drunk I don't know that might start an argument. Okay how to do it without starting an argument is really hard isn't

Starting point is 00:07:57 it because if you go to that defensive place like you said you did when you're now husband he thought you were bad drunk. It's hard how to do it so she doesn't get upset. Maybe write her a letter, or you need a way to really explain to her how her drinking is making you feel. I think also you don't have to enable that behavior, but it's also not your responsibility to stop her. So I think often we talk about people want to know how they intervene and you know and what are the interventions and how can we stop our partners. And actually

Starting point is 00:08:32 the truth is you can't, the partner has to get there. That's so true. And it's maybe it's sometimes it's just being like, I don't like how you behave when you're drinking. I don't like what it makes you. but it's up to you to go there. Sometimes the less pressure you put on people, the more likely they might be to actually take a look at their own behaviour. Because I think we do, like you said, there's a danger of someone going into a sort of defensive crouch. There are actually 12-step groups to help you that, like, Al like Alanon is for the families of people that have problems with alcohol and we can put all of their details in the show notes.

Starting point is 00:09:11 Sometimes the difficult conversations are the ones that you need to have. Yeah. Thank you so much to Millie for joining me today. If this episode sparked something for you, share it with a friend who might need to hear it. As always, every Friday I like to give you a recommendation. Now, some weeks these will be cultural, high brow, and others, such as this week, will be very low brow. And I think it's because my brain all day is very much consumed with writing finishing the first draft of my first novel for adults that in the evening i just need stuff to numb my brain and

Starting point is 00:09:53 my daughter and i have been watching on metflix a program called oh my god i'm almost embarrassed to tell you the name of this program but i'm gonna just do it. I'm just gonna get it out of the way. Okay it's called Debye Bling and it's like the real housewives of Dubai but it's also their menfolk. If you want your brain to fall out of your ear tonight just tune in for 25 minutes to Debye Bling. The third season has just gone up on Netflix and we are up on Netflix and we are loving it. Take care of yourself. Don't watch too much too bye bling. See you Monday. When you're not weighed down by high interest rates, life lightens up. MB&A TrueLine MasterCards have low interest rates on balance transfers and purchases to give your finances a lift. Find the credit card that's right for you.

Starting point is 00:10:56 Visit mbna.ca slash TrueLineCards. Give your finances a lift.

The Life Of Bryony - 34. The Life of YOU: How to Break the Anxiety-Alcohol Cycle with Millie Mackintosh

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