The Life Of Bryony - From Rock Bottom to Hollywood: Ted Lasso’s Keeley Hazell on Toxic Relationships, Page 3’s Dark Side, and Finding Her True Identity

Episode Date: August 25, 2025

This week, I’m joined by Keeley Hazell – model, actress, and writer – whose early fame as one of the UK’s most recognisable glamour models was just the beginning of her story. We talk openly about the violence she has experienced, her exposure to drugs at a young age, and the ways the patriarchy has shaped her career and life. Keeley shares what it was like to survive abusive partners, the emotional fallout, and the long process of rebuilding her sense of self. We also reflect on wild nights out with footballers – and the darker realities they sometimes hid. Here, Keeley speaks candidly about her decision to move to Los Angeles, challenging herself to reinvent as an actress and pursue a new creative path on her own terms. What emerges is a portrait of Keeley that is raw, reflective, funny, and completely unfiltered – a story about resilience, survival, and reclaiming identity. BOOKS DISCUSSED IN THIS EPISODE Keeley’s Memoir, Everyone’s Seen My Tits, is available in all good bookshops from 26th August 2025.   WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU Got something to share? Text or send a voice note on 07796657512—just start your message with LOB. Use the WhatsApp shortcut: https://wa.me/447796657512?text=LOB Prefer email? Drop me a line at [e-mail]   If this episode resonated with you, please share it with someone who might need it—it really helps! Bryony xx   Credits:  Host: Bryony Gordon Guest: Keeley Hazell Producer: Laura Elwood-Craig & Henry Williams Assistant Producer: Ceyda Uzun Studio Manager: Sam Chisholm Editor: Luke Shelley   Exec Producer: Mike Wooller    A Daily Mail production. Seriously Popular. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Seriously popular. Today on The Life of Briney, we're telling a powerful story about escaping from violence, drug abuse, and the patriarchy. Keeley Hazel shot to stardom as a page three girl, but in the intervening years, she's been writing her own story as an actress and a writer on Ted Lassau. She joins me today to talk frankly about her new book of essays, is everyone's seen my tits and how she's managed to reclaim her own narrative. So let's talk about you as a teenager.

You were smoking cocaine at 13. Is that my... I don't think they'd call it crack. Track, yeah, okay. Yes, I went wild. Yeah, wild as... I was nuts. I would set fire to things.

When somebody was like, hey, you want to smoke this cocaine? And I was like, yeah, there was a straw. And then someone was like, oh, it's crack. And I was like, oh, I guess I smoked crack. My chat with Keeley Hazel right after this. Keeley Hazel, everyone's seen my tits. I mean, what a name for a book. I feel like everyone's going to think this is a celebrity memoir about being a page three girl,

about being witness to England footballers, getting beaten up, all of them. that, but I've read it and it's so much more than that. I feel like it's a book about cycle breaking, escaping violence, actually, about healing. And that sounds really cheesy, but I love cheese, so it's okay. Well, thank you so much. Yes, I, it's funny, I do think people are going to go to it thinking that it is this juicy kind of tell-all. And then you'll read it and you'll be so vastly disappointed. I don't know. I don't know, Keeley.

I think there are some, I think you've gone there. But I think it's not about the things people would expect. I feel like the fame element to me is so uninteresting because I don't necessarily see myself that way. And also there's so many other people that can tell that story about what it's like to be so uber famous but yeah i think that ultimately for me it was a book about class and that was kind of the the theme that runs throughout and then there's also you know there is breaking cycles it's it's about my relationship with men starting with my dad and my relationships with other men and

trying to get out of those patterns that keep us stuck in you know in pain in pain Yeah. So can we, can we, you know, I was going to say it's, it's, it's about sort of about subverting people's expectations of you, but also about you subverting your expectations of yourself. Like, I feel it's, it is about class, but it's also about you saying, I am, it's about you working out who you are. You know, there's this really fantastic quote about fame in it where you say, you know, when you're, when, when, when you're in the thick of it as a pagesary girl in the noughties and you're all over the front pages of the newspapers and you say it's hard not to be resentful when the world values superficiality above everything else but fame isn't

about you it's about what other people think of you which i thought it's so fantastic and i feel like this book is about you kind of explaining who you've worked out you are post all of that yes yeah two things on that it's interesting there's an essay or a chapter and they call differences And it's about, you know, me and this sort of transformation of being 12 and then going on 13. And I think once I finished that, I was like, oh, this is the whole entire book is me figuring out sort of who I am. And then in so many ways coming back to this 12 year old girl. Like I had this moment where I was like, oh, I didn't know that I was returning to this girl that I sort of, left behind because everything when I turned 13 changed and then throughout my teenage years,

it's the page three. It was like, oh, wow. And then on the fame stuff, that also like figuring that out in my teenage years of realizing this isn't my popularity or anybody's popularity for that matter if they're in the public eye isn't about them. It's about the interpretation for other people think they are and seeing them. And so that's really difficult when you see yourself so differently than how other people perceive you to be. And then when you know that they value something else and I, and coming to terms with that, for me, it's like, I know that I'm going to get more views or I am going to be popular if I am presented in a certain way sexually.

and yet maybe that doesn't align with who I am but that's what people want and that's what people respond to and that's the version of me that people like I let's let's can we go back to that 12 year old girl or even even younger than that can we can we go back to your childhood

for sure for sure I've spent a lot of time there but let's go back I mean like in a non-traumatic way let's because it was extraordinarily violent would you say? I mean, I would say extraordinary seems quite extreme. A big word. It seems like a big word because I also think my childhood wasn't so different to anyone

else's. And not anyone else's. I think people grow up in homes where there isn't violence present. But also in the time in which I grew up and the generations before that, I think that this is sort of like how everybody quite normalized. It was quite normalized. But that said as well, I think when we're children, it's normal for us, right?

It's only when we get older that we can see that we grew up in some sort of dysfunction. So can we talk about what that normal? Okay, so what your normal was? You had a, you know, it was normal for if your mom spoke out of turn or did, something out of turn, she'd get a bit of a slap. Yes. Yeah, I think, I mean, I write this in the book, that is something that was passed down or how men spoke to each other of like, oh, your wife does this, you just knock about a bit. And I think that that was such an attitude of generations prior and something that was instilled into my dad in a way that he, that was the only way he sort of knew,

how to control the situation. And so much of that for me, I think, is just the breakdown of the inability to process emotions. It's like when you grow up not knowing how to deal with how you feel and society isn't telling you don't learn that stuff in school, you kind of find these,

and hopefully there's an excuse for my dad's behavior, but I think it gives some sort of insight into the way in which he learned to operate. and many men do There's an extraordinary, I use the word extraordinary again but there's a lot of empathy which I think this is what is so unique and wonderful about your book

is that it is these things are I sense quite a lot of forgiveness you know like you've done a lot of work on yourself right and then there's going to be a lot of people listening who will have grown up in violent households where it was normalized and you write something which I'm going to just read back bits of your book to you,

which is kind of like you may find deeply annoying. But because this, I think, is something that will chime with a lot of people. And you say, what's tricky growing up with a father like mine is that you can hate them for being abusive. You can fantasize about having a different father, but you can still really love them and enjoy spending time with them. It's a complete mind fuck, one that will take you 20 years of therapy to unpack.

Yeah. I'm still talking about in therapy now. I think I want to go back to what you said about forgiveness because I always say I think forgiveness is overrated. And so for me, I think a lot of it is acceptance. Right. And so I look at my father and I, I think the way in which my brain works is to see his circumstances. And same with my mother. It's like, this is how they grew up. So I always think about that and I think I've come to accept. the individuals as they are my parents or others around me versus forgive i think forgiveness is a harder one are you still do you speak to your dad i do yes yeah and and it's complicated the hardest thing to write about was my father in the book and it was the thing i didn't know

if i wanted to going in i was like i just don't know how to approach this and also it's so nuanced And it is exactly what you just re-read to me. Those feelings are present. It's not this is a violent man. It's like, no, my dad, if he was here now, is like, gray, he's funny. And he has so much to offer. So it's not black and white. And those feelings you have for a parent or a lover or an individual can be so mixed.

Love and hate can be so intertwined. What I want to ask you is, because it's a bit, talking about this stuff is like heavy. Writing about it is heavy. So I want to just check in with you and be like, how do you feel? Because we've only just met and I'm sitting down and like asking you about your childhood. And I'm not your therapist and I'm not a therapist. And I'm sitting on a sofa like I'm in therapy and I'm cheating on my therapist. Yeah.

No, so I want to just check in and go, how does it feel like under bright lights and on a camera, like talking about this stuff? because it's weird, right? I think it's weird and then also, for me, you know, the family stuff, I've been in therapy for so long that I am at a place now where sometimes I'm just like so open about it. Like I can speak about these things very easily just for the nature of doing it for so long. But it is, I think the relationship of my father is complicated. did and I love him and also think that he's done some dreadful things. And also my parents

are still alive. They exist. They have lives. And while I have been so open with my story and I'm happy to share, I do realize the effect that has on those individuals and the way they exist in the world. So just to paint a picture. So you grew up in South London, not Bromley. That's where you said you were from when you applied to page three idol. Yes. Was born in Lewisham, grew up in between Catford and Grove Park. So Catford lived in a councillor flat. Then we moved to around the corner to an estate.

Yeah, incredibly working class. And your parents broke up when you were quite, were you, were you, how long, how old were you when they? I was 13. Okay, right. So let's talk about you as a teenager. You were setting fire to things. you were smoking cocaine at 13.

Is that my... I think they'd call it crack. Crack. Yeah, okay. Just casually. Yeah. Yes, I went wild. Yeah, wild.

I was nuts. It was almost like... And I think this happens for teenagers. They, because their brain isn't fully developed and they have no fear. And I was so curious and wanted to try and do everything. And so I would set fire to things. and when somebody was like, hey, you want to smoke this cocaine? And I was like, yeah, there was a straw.

And then someone was like, oh, it's crack. And I was like, oh, I guess I smoked crack. So I just was trying to do everything. I was so curious. And I say this all about drugs because they took so many drugs at such a young age that when I got to be 18 and people started taking drugs, because I was like, oh, I've done them all. And I did them all, but pretty much I'd say heroin

because it was skin and needles, which was what I'd say then at 13. Like, I'll try everything but. But heroin? But heroin, because I don't want. But if you were to smoke it with the foil, then I would. Okay, right. I mean, because this is, you know, again, it's like, but you describe yourself later in the book as being an addict for different reasons.

And we'll get on to that because I think that's really important. but it's amazing how you have this sort of crazy thing but you're, I mean, frankly, reading it, I was like, wow, it's amazing you're alive. It's like looking at you, again, this is about subverting expectations, isn't it? And it's like, we never know, we never know what's going on for people

or what's going on behind the kind of surface, you know. But, yeah, I was reading it going, wow, wow. I mean, I've, you know, like I've had quite a wild past as well, but I probably waited till I was like, I waited until quite late until I took cocaine. I was like 23. Okay, yeah, that feels. But you've got it all out of your system by then. Got it all out of my system.

I mean, I was still probably popping pills at 23, but that was like the last time I did it for a very long time. But yeah, I'd, you know, try, I mean, I dated drug dealers, so I had access to drugs. And somehow, I knew so many drug dealers, even before I dated them. So there was access and I, you know, I took my first ecstasy tablet when I was 13 years old and smoked a drawing when I was 12. And so by the time I got into my 20s, it what when everybody was trying drugs, it was like, oh, I've been, you know, 16. I was doing like railing lines of glow all the time.

Yeah. And you were, as you say, you were dating drug dealers. You were, and like working with them, like weighing out the cocaine. Which I really loved. What was it? What was it about it? Was it relaxing? There's something about it that just, I don't, I think it's like the cash and the drugs and like the actual precision of putting it in and then putting it into, I don't know why. Something quite methodical, meditative about it. Yes, 100%.

And actually, you know, and it sounds like your brain was very. very like boom boom you know like there was a lot going on so i imagine in that moment weighing the drugs packaging it up there was a kind of calm yes was there was there fear was there were you ever aware that this was like there was a danger that you might get arrested that you might get i don't know like i want to no i have so much fear now as an adult but at that age i just don't think it developed. Okay. And I was fearless.

And there was no thinking about, and in some ways I do think that if I had, that might have been an exciting prospect in some weird way, like the idea of the, oh, you could get caught. Right. And there was one time, and this isn't in the book, but with one of my drug dealer boyfriends who gave me a whole bag of cocaine and I took it to a pub in Bromley and I think I sold a couple raps and just knowing the amount of drugs I had on me and thinking I could but it's there's just like a it was a thrill there's a thrill there was a thrill of like I was primed to be one of

like a person that strapped drugs to them and gets caught and was like lorded through an airport like that would have been something I'd have been like yeah totally true too or whatever they were called yeah yeah yeah okay but that's not what happened to you keely I mean this is what is so astonishing about your story is that you're sitting here, you've written a book that's incredibly articulate, incredibly moving, incredibly funny. You went on to become a page three girl, right? So you escaped that, that violent and, you know, and dangerous childhood to become a page three girl. And then you escaped that again. You know, we'll go there. Like, I feel like we've got, I'm like jumping ahead of myself. But, you know, to live a life where you're, you know, you're

reasoning Susan Sondag, you're doing therapy, you're quote unquote bettering yourself. And I hate that phrase because I think it's deeply fucking patronising. But, you know, that didn't happen to you, you know, and that is, and it's astonishing that you're sitting here and you're talking about it with such candor. I think it's just amazing. And I'm really grateful to you for doing it. Because if we don't talk about this shit and we just gloss over our lives, I don't know, We don't learn anything, do we? No. And I think also we're so used to that with Instagram and social media is these curated lives

and these curated narratives that people put out there. And so I do think for me, they're just being authentic and honest with the experiences the best way. It's like, yeah, I used to take drugs. It's like, but I don't anymore. Yeah. And hopefully now in society, there is an allowance for people to make. And I think I'm fortunate in that I've been allowed to make those mistakes.

Can we talk about page three? Yes. Which was like an escape for you, wasn't it? It was, you didn't, you could have been anything. It could have been, it could have been a reality TV show. It could have been, it just so happened that at that time, page three. Yeah. Was the thing.

Can you, because I also. had to remind myself about the very existence of page three. Oh no, isn't it nuts? Can we talk about it? It's so crazy. So there was, you know, it used to be that on page three of the Sun newspaper, there would just be a woman with her tits out. Yes, from the 70s.

From the 70s. And they ran a competition called page 3 Idol. Yeah. And you entered it. I did. And you won it. And I won that competition. to be a page, the page two I'd live for the year.

And you were quite ashamed at the time? Yes, yeah, deeply. And which was really difficult because I felt like I couldn't, everybody was so proud of it. A lot of the girls were really proud to do page three. And for me, I was like, oh God, I'm so ashamed and I feel so embarrassed. You were really young. I was 18.

I mean, I was 20 years ago. But, you know, you were saying that in the 70s, they used to be 16-year-old girls with their tits out on the page 3 of the sun. And, you know, and when it was stopped, so it was how long ago is it now that it page 3 was stopped? So it was like 15, 10, 15 years ago? Maybe 10 years ago, I think it was 2015, if I'm correct. Yeah, so nearly 10 years ago.

And it was, I remember at the time, it was like, this is a sign of progression, that we, you know, that we are becoming, a more unequal society. And actually, now I look back on it, page three seems kind of quite quaint and traditional compared to some of the shit out there. Yeah, for sure. I mean, it's, it does seem tame in hindsight. But also, when I look back at it and I just think, well, this is clearly a crazy concept,

obviously invented by a man. And what? There was 16 year old girls, just topless, in a new, what this is? In the newsfeck, but it was a big thing. It was a big thing. You sold a lot of newspapers. I sold newspapers for being semi-naked. There's probably a lot of newspapers who wish that they could bring it back to get the sales up.

Yes, yeah, for sure. Yeah, put tits in there and those sales skyrocket. So you sent off your photos. I mean, this is how long ago it was. Yes, I mailed them. That's how long ago. And so my boyfriend at the time took some pictures. I had to go get them printed out in like boots or snappy snaps.

And then I put them in an envelope and sent them off to the sun. And remember putting them into the mailbox. And then being like, oh God, what have I done? And putting my hand in to try and get them back out. And then just standing there panicked. Like, I've just put topless photos of myself in an envelope and sent them in a royal mail box. You got through and it completely changed your life. Yes.

Yeah. Suddenly you have money. Yes. Which was a big thing. A big thing, huge. And enables you to not care so much about this thing that you feel slightly ashamed of, right? Yes. I think it was weighing up those two things.

because the money for me was the whole reason to do it. It was making the money. And just that struggle, like the difference of being able to like get a taxi or pay for, go out for like a dinner, which was just so great. And so that was just so wonderful and just all of the doors that it opened up

and the opportunities because of having money weighed up against me doing something that I didn't necessarily want to do and then also felt conflicted because I felt like I should be proud and the sun very much you know kind of push this narrative onto us that is like well you're page three girl this is like the greatest thing that's ever happened to anybody and it's like I don't know if I like really want to like be doing this with my life or like I feel kind of ashamed and yet I'm being told that I shouldn't be and that...

But all the messages you were getting given by society were that you should be ashamed. I mean, there's an amazing bit in the book where you're shooting something for zoo magazine, which was a sort of... It was like page three, but weekly, you know, and it was like a lad's mag. And they've got in this very high-brow photographer Rankin to take the shoe, but he's only agreed to do it as long as his name is in the magazine. So it's the kind of anonymous shoot and you're standing there with Coca-Cola bottles

to try and get your nipples hard. Yes. What a vision. Me, just with two Coke bottles. And that was kind of a normal thing for you, I'm assuming. Yes. Yeah, which is very weird. I think I was very numb emotionally in those moments

of just, you know, be like me here now, just like kind of standing with my boobs out and then like how, and it, not being normal but also trying to normalise it for the sake of it not being awkward and weird. You had to be numb. Yeah. Yeah.

I don't think I could process how I was feeling because also in those moments it's like this is how I make money and there's no real alternative. It didn't feel like to me that there was other options. It was like it's this or you know I go working back at the hair salon and I make a hundred pounds a week or something and that's like it's those two things it didn't feel like there was other alternatives in between that so you're cast positive into this world where you're going to i mean it really took me back to the noughties you're going to china whites you know you're going to all these nightclubs you're hanging out with england footballers um but you are in a really

abusive relationship yes yes with a guy who i'm assuming we You know, named Theo in the book. So you'd known Theo since you were 13. He was very much part of your wild, feral childhood. And he was a drug dealer. Yes. It's unsure. I'm very unsure about what he did.

He wasn't an accountant. He wasn't an accountant. He didn't go. to an office and he was an asshole actually is what he was keely and you know you as you say a lot of this book i mean there's a there is a chapter called daddy issues an essay i mean there it's a series of essays isn't it really um about daddy issues and you know you it's about you sort of finding yourself without even realizing it repeating this sort of relationship pattern that you saw when you were a child between your mother and father right

Yes. Yeah, I think it's obviously those like mirror neurons reflecting me being attracted to the very thing. And I guess if I look into it and therapies myself right now, it's me trying to get love from somebody that represents in many ways like my father. And being attracted to that and still trying to get that love from this. And not really realizing at the time I didn't know, hadn't put those things together. to be like, oh, this man's kind of a version of my father. Yeah. So he, I mean, this is stuff we all learn and we have to go through it. And you're, I could just, I just could, I felt for you as I was reading it. I had a similarly abusive relationship in my early 20s. And yeah, not the, the sort of that being trapped, being sort of stuck. there's a scene

and you pepper everything with a lot of humour, Keeley. So you talk about a guy called JC who you wanted to marry from an early age. He's a footballer. He plays for England.

You end up hanging out with him. You don't unfortunately get married to him. But you do have an evening. There's still time. I don't know. I think you can do better. I think he's married children. But,

So this England footballer, you kind of become friends with him. Can we talk about the night that he ends up at your childhood home, sleeping off a blackout, drinking session in your single childhood bed? And then Theo comes back and obviously doesn't like this. Yeah, it's so mad to me. And one of my best friends who's in the book, Patsy, her and I talk about this because she was there so much. And we are just like, could you imagine if something like that happened now?

That would be insane. So on a night out. On a night out. Embassy nightclub. Okay. And had been out with some of the page three girls had been partying part of the England football team. And so they would always be in the same sort of nightclubs. And so I'd been on this night out.

fun time back in shots in the embassy and went to the bathroom and everybody was leaving to go somewhere else and I have no idea what time it was but it was late and when I came back out and everybody had left apart from JC who was completely intoxicated right and this was like three or four days before an England international wasn't it I mean I think it was quite soon before I feel like it was coming up. The World Cup was coming up. The World Cup was a couple of weeks out or something. It was a couple weeks out.

Yeah. And it's crazy because also football players then would go out and party. And I don't think that that happens anymore. I don't think this same scene that happened in the Nauties exists. Yeah, it was quite wild, wasn't it? It was wild. And so leave the club and J.C. is drunk. and I am trying to go home, he had lost his wallet and jumped in with me and I end up taking

him back to my mum's, my house, which was a council home in South East London. And I end up putting him to bed because he was so drunk. And then I immediately left and called Patsy and was like, hey, you'll never guess my one celebrity crush is in my bed. and she came over and then Theo who's my boyfriend at a time came over to collect his car that was outside and when he found out he went up to the room he goes in there and just whilst he's asleep punches in beats the shit out of him it's a good story Kino and then sorry I shouldn't laugh because it's obviously violent but he then escapes out this is you say that in that moment you see J.C. come to and get the fuck out of there.

And you see why J.C.'s a footballer and Theo isn't. Yes. The speed of him. I mean, I do wonder what would happen had he not got out of there. He wouldn't have been playing in that World Cup. But he did end up on the front page of the newspaper. I mean, this was a big story at the time. Yeah.

But what wasn't a big story, I mean, like, this is where my heart breaks, because behind it is this just all. awful story of a really deeply abusive relationship that you were in. The levels of abuse and, like, emotional violence that Theo subjected you to, really fucking awful. And I'm just really sorry that that all happened to you. Well, thank you. Yeah, I mean, it's looking at it from,

like this standpoint like I am just like wow it's it's crazy that I ended up in that relationship but also at the same time it isn't it makes so much sense to me given my history to end up there but it is the one relationship that really just changed the entire course of my life because of everything that happened with him after that and yeah it's It's, um... He broke into your house. He threatened you. He hurt you physically, didn't he?

He didn't, apart from slapping me around the face when there is no, like, he was never beating me up. But slapping you around, like, that in itself, I think the boundary has been crossed, you know. And there was violence around it because you had another boyfriend, an ex-boyfriend who was his friend, who threw a bottle at you. Yeah. Yeah, so I had my boyfriend, my truck dealer boyfriend, who was best friends and business partners with Theo. And we had dated for about a year and a half and then broke up. He broke up with me when I started modelling for page three. And so there was a lot of when he found out and he saw us together in a bar in Bromley,

then throws a sort of glass bottle on my face. Not at Theo's face. No. Your face. Yeah. Obviously you're the one in the wrong. Yes. This is the theme that runs through the book is that you, like, I feel like,

and I think this is like similar for a lot of us as women, is that life is like this series of events where we wake up and go, what the fuck, why have I put up with this? Why did I normalize this? just huge injustices and inequalities that exist constantly for women. I mean, you talk about, you know, men, you know, actors who, you know, who've been out with who they don't have to question with each professional engagement whether that person wants to fuck them or, you know, what they want out of them.

You know, it's they don't have to go in on that level. Whereas you constantly, and I think it's the same for a lot of women, whether they've, whether they've worked in show business, whether everyone's seen their tits or not, they have to factor in that question, you know? Yes. Yeah, and I think for me too, like the talking about like my exes or the violence and stuff,

it's like it's not, you know, the question being a woman, which is like, why didn't you leave being that ultimate question that people always ask in those situations? And I think even, I think that even if you do, you're still running into that violence with other men. Like that doesn't, it's not just these two people. It's like that happens. And like you said, I think it's like at any point out of being a woman in any industry, you're coming up against men and, you know, the patriarchy.

and just violence or having to question what their motives are. It's a kind of violence that just exists in the air, right? Like it doesn't. And I mean, the biggest act of violence, I think that you really experience comes after he leaves and he sells this intimate tape of the two of you to a newspaper. And that to me is, you know, we now would call it revenge porn and he nowadays would have been prosecuted and probably

sent to prison but at the time it's like you are just you're sort of it's it's almost like you've committed like not you've committed the crime but it's like why are you complaining about this yes yeah yeah which is so hard i think that i was like i mean there's so many hard things to deal with in that situation but one of them being that everybody you know and not everybody using that as hyperbole is like the consensus why the what does it matter you like get your tits out like why you could why is this an issue nobody sees it as a sort of active violence maybe is that one sexual violence or some sort and and so it's really difficult to deal with mentally.

She's like, okay, I guess this thing happened to me and now I'm having to prove firstly that it wasn't me, there was that element. It's like, oh. You were having to prove that it wasn't you that had released the sex tape. Yeah. So you made a kind of innocent camcorder thing with Theo on a holiday. Yeah. kept it somewhere and, you know, and after he'd left and he'd broken into your house and

taken things and left and carved slut into the door. Yes. He actually didn't take the tape then. No, but he'd already, well, you were, he'd already taken it, which was really hard for me when I figured that out. That we were in a relationship and he had a key to my apartment, and, you know, he pretty much lived there. And so when I was away working, he had searched the entire apartment, found it because he knew that I'd hidden it and we'd spoken about it. He was like, I don't want to be blamed if this goes missing.

And he found it and took it somewhere and copied it. And then he put it back. And he had it just in the back of his mind or his back pocket for whatever reason if I, and has he had said multiple times during then if I was to fuck up it was like he had a little plan for me and that was the plan and and so this happens and also we had just I just found out that he'd been cheating on me a Christmas and then the tape came out in Jan I think it was like you know I don't remember the exact date but it was like early January and so I was dealing

with the sort of heartbreak of this relationship and finding out he'd been cheating on me this whole time and trying to make a decision of not being with him any longer and breaking my own patterns of addiction. And then here comes this tape. So I was already still dealing with the heart ache and the pain of the relationship. And then that came out and it was like, oh my God. Violation. Complete violation. Yes. And you talk about an addiction, you know, this is, and people don't actually often call this out or talk about it, but there are a lot of relationship, love addiction where you were, you literally felt addicted to this man. Like you couldn't live without him, despite all the evidence that he was bad for you, you couldn't leave him. I mean, this is addiction, right? Yes. 100%. And I say having been in 12-step programs, I am an addict and I understand addiction in a few ways. Like I don't have problem with alcohol and when I hear alcoholic speak and I say this in the book, but I know it. It's this feeling of I know this person and I know everything they're doing is so horrible.

And yet it's impossible to leave. You can't walk away. And it is essentially a drug. It's the same thing. It's the same sort of response an alcoholic has to alcohol. It's like they pick up a drink and they can't stop. And that was the exact same feeling I had within.

It was complete love addiction of just, you know, there were so many moments. And especially after he beat up JC, it was like, oh, that's a moment. when I could have left left and there was so many other things in between that that she just didn't make the book because there was just too much that I also could have left I was like oh he's gone to meet a journalist to sell a story on me and but he would then lie and say well I was going to rob the journalist I'm like oh that's totally fine

he was going to rob the journalist it's okay like I can totally still be with him and I think that that's also so scary as like in the mind of an addict is and I'm sure you're aware of you being in 12 step it's you delude yourself it's just to stay in and have the connection to them is wild it's a sickness isn't it it really is a sickness and I think that god yeah when you describe it like that it is uh it's It's terrifying. It's totally terrifying. And I felt really terrified for you reading the book. I felt, I felt that just the, the horror. The horror and the, of how it, in a way, I feel like the sex tape thing was, you know, it was obviously your, I think if we're going to talk, you know, if we have the kind of addict story and we talk about a rock bottom, that was. the moment where you knew that things had to change in your life. Yes, 100%.

If we're looking at that lens, it was the rock bottom. And I always think of this moment of when I found out about the tape and I went to the news agents and I got a copy and then I take outside and I throw up and I sit down on the floor after with the newspaper just sort of blowing over and I, and it's like the one memory that always sticks is just that moment of being there and it being so windy and I was in Canary War where I was living which is horrible

and just feeling like somebody had hit me with a brick like they were throwing it was just like I felt like I was being hit with bricks and that was the rock bottom it was like this like now I can't go back to this man at all ever again

and yeah that was it's just being like okay something in me also like and there's my part in this in terms of being the addict and not being able to leave the relationship and it's like I need to what is that why and you know I think this is in the book when I start therapy when I was 18 one of the things I wrote was like I don't understand why I constantly need a man in my life Like, what is that about me that is being drawn to these men and can't leave them? But yeah, that was definitely the rock bottom. I mean, you're having panic attacks.

Can you explain to everyone, like, what the options that were given to you when you were like, this sex tape now exists, it's on the front page of a newspaper, and it's on the internet. What are my options? Because that was seriously depressing that what you were told. by these other men, lawyers, there was nothing you could do, really. Yes, so there was two options. They presented me with two options.

And also I think I was so young, they didn't quite understand how law worked, or the system worked in terms of, like, I didn't have to pick these two options. Like, I could say, I'm going to take this to court and keep fighting it. But then again, the system at the time didn't, it wasn't even named. It wasn't a crime at the time. crime it was the crime with no name and revenge porn it was coined many years after that but the two options they presented me was one to take a percentage of the royalties and continue to sell the tape and then the other one was they would stop selling the tape and they would you know give me

the tiniest bit of money and so that was it was like you can continue to sell it and also as part of that option it was like but we'll also say you're not part of it. So you can deny that you're still selling it, but you will sell it and earn, you know, a certain amount of the royalties. Right. Okay. And, and you, that you chose, yeah, I chose the not so financially small option in hindsight, but I, you chose the way of integrity. I chose the way of integrity, yeah, yeah, which alone, poor alone in my integrity. But it's incredible because, You know, actually all of the options, everything was stacked against you.

Yeah. And you were like, I'm not going to, I'm not going to have this exist out there. Yes. But knowing that it would still exist. And that was the hard factor because it's like you have this other option and they were like, we'll seek to control the internet. We'll seek to control any other website that is hosting this video and get it taken down. So they were going to have, you know, a team of lawyers control.

it and so that in some ways was like oh well they can contain it and this other option is like it's just going to be available for everybody and or online and so in choosing the option that I did which was like you can't continue to sell this it was like well now I'm going to be dealing with the internet and I'm not too sure if I thought in in that moment that maybe I could just you know quickly put like a plug on it and that maybe if i acted fast enough it would just stop spreading i'm not too sure that that even came that thought even came to my mind for me it was just like i'm not going into business for these people i don't care like i just this is awful and what's happened to me is should not be allowed and i didn't want to make money from it was like i'm

not going to make money from the most traumatic thing that's ever happened to me. And then many years later, I went in moments. I was like, maybe I should have just made money. And then it would have made the experience easier because of all the trauma that it caused. I was like, maybe that would have been the better option is to just really have monetized it. And then I, then the flip side is would I've lived with myself and that choice. And that in the moment was the one thing. It was like, I won't be able to live with myself. If I make the choice to sell it, I just don't know how I'll continue with that.

Yeah. I think when you write a book, though, because you go through these experiences and then you can contain what it is that you went through versus like actually actively speaking the story. Yeah. That feels so different. I definitely feel like when I got to the end,

of the book that I was like, wow, I'm free from all of this that felt like it has been a burden and a trauma that I have been carrying. And I've put it somewhere. And now the whole world is open to me in like some weird and magical way because I've shut this part of my life. Let's talk about writing because this is this is the twist to the story that I just fucking love, right, which is that you moved to L.A. to become an actress. Yeah. But you've sort of, I mean, people will know you now from Ted Lassau. Yeah.

Which you starred in. But also, you can never pronounce his son name, Jason Sudecuse. Sadaicus. Sudecust and the other, it created a character in Ted Lassau that was basically based on you. Yes. Keeley. Yes. Who is the former page three girl, who's now.

business brains, you were his inspiration for that character. Yeah, so the part was written for me to play myself in the show. And then, and this was before the show had been sold. It was like they had been working on this script and this concept and this idea. And the part was written for me to play me. You'd met Jason while filming. Was it horrible bosses? Yes.

Horrible bosses too. And we had met on set and had, you know, sat next to each other for many hours and had quite deep conversations about feminism and how I felt like I was being viewed because I was sitting there in like a swimsuit. And he then created, he wrote the part, which is Keeley for me to play myself in the world of Ted Lassow that exists in the football world. I had also been around football players once or twice. And so I was involved from before it was sold. And I read the script and I gave notes and was like, well, you know, Keeley doesn't sound like that. She obviously says this.

And then they took it out, they pitched it and it got sold, which was fantastic news. It was like, oh, my God, this show's going to be made and I'm going to play myself, which is weird. but you know I'm here for it like I'm going to be an actress and this is my moment like this is it like I am not going to be called a page three or a glamour model ever again I am an actress Hollywood went hold that for Keeley yes and they went hold that a second we know an actress who has a bigger resume

and they went out on a direct offer to her and offer I tied the part, which she took. She took. And she played Keeley. And she played Keeley. And that was, that's a pretty tough moment in your, in your life. Yeah. Yes.

As tough moments go, I would say it's up there as one of the tougher moments in my adult life. Really? Yeah. Okay. I think for so many reasons, I had given, and you know, right about in a book I was in a relationship and that came to an end and that was like 2019 and part of the part of the reason for that relationship breaking down was me still wanting to have my own career

and I really I was like I've given 10 years of my life to being an actress like I need to complete this like I need to do it and he wanted you to go and be. a wife and mother kind of thing yeah i think for him and i just love this term tradwife so much so my favorite he was looking for sort of a trad wife right and you were not going to be that person i wasn't going to be that and that was totally fine like i think i'm so he's married now and i'm so happy for him and just for me it was like i that's not who i am i so much of my identity is tied up in work and and and so this moment, the moment of the part of Keeley just felt like everything had really fallen, like I hadn't been auditioning and I just needed a break, like that one break, the one

thing that would put me on the map. And so when it didn't happen, it just, that dream was so shattered. And then just like the how, like kind of everything, then like having somebody play a version of me on TV and watching. that and watching the show become so successful and the actress becoming so successful for playing me, it just was really, really difficult. Mind fuck. And let's just say you did still end up starring in Ted Lassow, just not as yourself. Yes. Yeah, I'm in the show. I forget that I'm in the show most of the time. You are in the show. I've definitely, I've watched it and you are in the show, Keeley. And you play

the wife of the guy that we were describing it earlier as the wife of the guy who was in Buffy. Yeah, exactly. Who buys West Ham? Yeah. He's great. He's amazing. Yeah. So you did end up in the show and you've like been in the writer's room and stuff.

Yeah. You know, that's not nothing. No. No, for sure it's not. Okay. But I don't, I think that you write about this in the book. You say that actually now you're, you know, you are playing the version of Key, you were always always meant to play, you know?

Yes. Because I think in so many other, like in so many ways, even if I had played that keyly, I'm still playing somebody else's version of Keely than my own. Like it's still created by someone else. It was still, you know, four men that created the show that control this character. And so I do.

think like I've always like played that out as well like oh if I had played that would they just be resentment anyway that somehow I'm playing this again I was like I've had to play this version of keely on page three for years and uh the version that theo created for you by releasing a sex tape without your consent exactly so there was I've always been playing a version of keely that is being created by someone else or and and so I think in many ways that would have been hard to just be in it and be like oh I'm still playing somebody and I can't control that I wouldn't have had control over what happens or to that version of Keeley but now you have everyone's seen my tits and now we've seen we've seen we've seen

the real Keeley. We've seen the real Keeley. And what a babe she is. Just back down I don't know if she's as popular as the other versions of Keeley. I love this. Can I just say I love this version of Keeley and I think everyone

who gets to know this version of Keeley through everyone's seen my tits is going to love this version of Keeley and I think this is there is wonder and joy and there's a lot more to come on your journey and I am excited to see it and to read about it. In your words, not anyone else's. Well, thank you so

much. I loved that chat with Keely. I could have spoken to her for days and days. And I loved how she just point blank refused to conform to the narratives and the judgments that have been thrown her way. She reminds us, doesn't she, that we always get to be. the authors of our own scripts, whatever anyone else might try to say. And they often try to say quite a lot. Keely, she silenced her naysayers, hasn't she? Anyway, if this conversation made you think differently about your own story, you'll give you a bit of hope. Send it to a friend who might appreciate it.