The Life Of Bryony - The Life of YOU: "Can We Not Bitch About People on Here?" with Dawn O'Porter

Episode Date: November 8, 2024

It’s the Life of YOU, where your dilemmas take centre stage, and we’re here to navigate them together (or at least not make them worse!). This time, I’m joined by the brilliant Dawn O’Porter, ready to dish out advice on your latest, most intriguing questions. Today… 💬 Chat S**t, Get Blocked: Sarah’s patience with her WhatsApp group is running thin. 🛠️ The Unfinished Office: Paul can’t seem to do it himself. 💔 Lost Friendship: James feels like he’s been put on the subs bench. WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU You know what they say: a problem shared is a problem… halved?! Get in touch! 🗣️ Send a text or voice note to 07796657512 and start your message with LOB 💬 WhatsApp Shortcut: Click here to send a message! 📧 You can also email me at: [e-mail] Bryony xx Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

They're not doing this or the rest is fucking history. Welcome to the Life of You, where we dig into your dilemmas and help you find solutions for life's toughest challenges. I'm joined by the fabulous Dorno Porter. She's here to give some solutions to some of your most pressing problems. Today, Sarah's patience has left the chat on WhatsApp. Paul's just the man for the job around the house, but not the office. And James has been left home alone wondering what on Earth to do. Anyone who's in a long-term relationship will say that Peter's out and then you get your

friends back. You just have to stand back and Peter's out and then you get your friends back. You just have to stand back and let them do it and not get offended by it. All of your problems solved right after this. What does possible sound like for your business? It's more cash on hand to grow with up to 55 interest-free days. Redefine possible with Business Platinum. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Terms and conditions apply. Visit mx.ca slash Business Platinum.

Toronto. There's another great city that starts with a T. Tampa, Florida. Fly to Tampa on Porter Airlines to see why it's so tea-riffic. On your way there, relax with free beer, wine and snacks, free fast streaming Wi-Fi and no middle seats. You've never flown to Florida like this before, so you'll land in Tampa ready to explore. Visit flyporter.com and actually enjoy economy. Okay, our first email, chat shit get blocked.

That's what it says here from Sarah. So I've been on a bit of a WhatsApp clean up lately, ditching groups I've secretly hated for years and deleting all the questionable stuff I used to send my old fun buddies. But I need some advice on one group problem. I'm really already loving this problem. Me too. There's this one friend, Lucy, who isn't that close, but I've known her for years and she started being really toxic in my main WhatsApp group with all my old mates from uni. She sent photos laughing at wedding dresses, said some horrible things about her co-workers and Dawn's, if you could see Dawn's face right now.

I'm aghast. aggressive, said some horrible things about her co-workers and even mocked a former schoolmate who's on OnlyFans. Even subscribing and sending on screenshots. Not very sex positive and frankly a totally bitchy thing to do. Everyone else is too polite to call her out on her bullshit. Should I call out Lucy and the group as I think they've all been a bit complicit in this? Should I message her directly, which is polite, but a bit of a cowardly move, or just kick her out since I'm the admin? But that does seem a bit aggressive. What would you do, Dawn? I would probably say if that was doing my head in, I had a similar thing on a WhatsApp group that I was on where I got invited into and I was like, this is fun, this is great.

And I was like, oh, we're just bitching about people. And I just wrote, I don't really want to bitch about people if that's okay. Can we keep it nice? Really? Well, this sounds like a sort of like secret. It was fine. It was a really nice group of people. I just think I don't really think they'd even quite realized what they were doing. And they were just, you just kind of got into this kind of natural rhythm of just talking about other people, which I just didn't want to do. No.

And so I just said it, I really don't want to bitch about people. Can we not? And that just kind of ended it. And I think that's what I would do after just said it, I really don't want to bitch about people, can we not? And that just kind of ended it. And I think that's what I would do after she said something, just say, can we not bitch about people on here? It makes me feel uncomfortable. And then if she's a dick about it, then leave the group. Then have her leave the group. Or you leave the group. Or you just leave the group.

But I think it's okay to call it out. I think, you know, we're living in a culture where we have to get better at calling that stuff out, rather than if someone's saying that stuff, it's okay for them to be the one that feels uncomfortable. It's really hard to do and I'm terrible at this. I'm really, really bad at confrontation. Now that was on WhatsApp. If that was a room of people who are bitching about people, I would have gone, ugh, and just left

because I'm terrible at this, but on text I'm a much stronger woman. And I would just say that. And also then I think it's a case of like, you can't engage. So if someone's saying bitchy stuff, silence will eventually stop it. But yeah just say that. And also then I think it's a case of like, you can't engage. So if someone's saying bitchy stuff, silence will eventually stop it. But yeah, try that.

Say, can we not bitch about people on here? I find it really uncomfortable. That's pretty straightforward. My solution to things is I am in a WhatsApp group, a school WhatsApp group. And the other day, one of the parents sent the most extraordinary message about this sort of school-wide PTA fundraising thing that the kids had been set. And it was all about how he thought rules

had been broken and he was disgusted and we needed to form a group together and take on the PTA. And bear in mind, there's like 300 people in this WhatsApp group. And it was like the tumbleweed that blew through the WhatsApp group. And then someone just really amusingly put in a just a reminder of the school, you know, WhatsApp rules and regulations. And then you could just see passive aggressively like a hundred people liked this. But I really hate being in WhatsApp groups. But I'm also

really scared of leaving them. Like I think if I see so and so has left a WhatsApp group, I'm like, it's like they've turned around to me and said, I hate you all. I know you can say just mute. You can mute them. I have a lot of muted WhatsApp groups that have hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of messages in them. Yeah. They are hard. The ones I'm in at the moment, I love them all. You know, it's when you kind of get set up for a dinner that's happening or something and go, great, another WhatsApp group. Yay. And then I am the worst because I see a WhatsApp group as just an opportunity to do one-liners.

And so I just put all of my best material into the school WhatsApp. Well, people say, oh, I hate the school WhatsApp. I'm like, I love it. I am like on fire in those chats. Really? Well, because they're boring. And I'm like, this doesn't have to be boring.

We should say something funny and make everyone laugh. And so I discovered this, you know, a few years ago and now I'm quite addicted to it. So I quite like WhatsApp groups, especially the boring ones, because I try and say things to make people laugh. But yeah, you can always just mute. You can always leave. But I do definitely think call out bitchiness,

because it's so boring. It's so boring to have to be a part of it. And just think, my name's in this, and I've seen it, and I just don't want to be a part of it. Yeah, that's true. You sort of become almost liable for it, I think. Yeah. So just say, can we not do that?

Yeah. Very sensible, Dawn. I notice another DIY job that needs doing. Once I notice it, it's like I can't relax until it's done. If I keep putting off my actual work, I'm going to get sacked. Since you're both writers, and I've heard writers are top tier procrastinators, how do you stop yourself from avoiding work and finally getting things done? I've just got myself an office.

Have you? Yeah, I've got an office. And I've been professionally writing for 20 years. And I've gone in and out of like co-working spaces because that's really cost effective, you know, it doesn't have to cost a lot of money, but other people drive me insane. Someone so much as sniffs near me and I'm like,

no, I'll never get this book written. So I just, that drove me nuts. And then when we moved back to London and I realized, you know, I'm a full-time writer now, that's my job. I deserve a place to go to go and do this. There's so many other industries where you just have an office. And for some reason, when you're self-employed

and you're a writer, you think, well, no, I don't deserve an office or don't need one. And I found the initial kind of outlay of money for that really, really scary. But now my productivity has gone through the roof. I'm more than paying for the price of the office with the amount of work I'm getting done. Rather than sitting at home, you know, my house is there's just something to do, I'm just always doing laundry, cleaning

the kitchen, tidying the kids room, doing something. I cannot work from home anymore. It's just a scary thing to commit to, because it is expensive, it's a huge deal to be paying rent somewhere else, but it's just undeniable how much more work I'm getting done. Heather Hyslop I work from home. When we got our home renovated last year, I was like, I'm going to have a study, a writer's room. And for about two weeks, I did. And then my brother moved in. So he now lives in the study. So I now work from my kitchen island, RIP my back, for some prayers with my back at all times.

I'm like on a stool crouched over it. And I find that I have to really be quite strict with myself. Yeah, it is hard. You know, it's really good though. Local libraries are brilliant. You say that, but last year, while I was not able to work in the house because it was a

building site, I wrote a book almost entirely in the local library. And I learned that every Thursday was like rhyme time and that I should go to a cafe because I would have to listen to Baby Shark on repeat for like an hour between 11 and 12. Right. That's hard. I think that is really hard. I do think it's great because it's free to go and have a place to go. I think for people who work from home, if you're self-employed, some of the co-working spaces, you can get

a good desk for a couple of hundred a month, which I know is loads of money, but it's also just it depends on what the productivity is. Just stick the headphones on and just get out the house. I truly think getting out the house is the key because otherwise there's just so much to do. You have to get out. I also have another trick, which is kind of something I do to keep myself off my phone, is that I have like a productivity app on my phone

and it locks every app on my phone except for like the call app. That's really good. But then it also does this thing because obviously I work really well off validation where it'll be like, well done, today you worked for six hours on it. And I'm like- It's like you also need the same app that will lock the fucking fridge. Exactly.

Yeah, but I don't mind that. I don't mind that. I also do, and I think it's okay, like I do get up and walk around and talk to myself quite a lot. And I find that that's quite helpful. I also think Paul, that I beat myself up a lot for procrastinating. But I also now trust that like in terms of writing books, like 90% of the book writing happens actually before I've ever sat down and written a word. It's like the planning, it's the going, oh, and it is the

procrastinating and it's going, oh. And it is the procrastinating. And it's going, oh, I'm going to put that there or that there. And I've just accepted I'm a bit of a procrastinator. And when I do that, I accept, OK, well, if I have a deadline, I'm not going to be the kind of person who gets it done five weeks before the deadline. No, no, no. Like, I have to accept the deadline.

Five days after the deadline at all times. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The apps that block you out of the internet are really good. Sometimes the most productive day that you'll have when you work from home is after like a good walk in the morning and not actually waking up and going straight to your desk. Always get up, go out, do a like, start the day with 5K. And I get up, get dressed, do full glam. Do you?

Go to my office and sit on my own all day in a stonking outfit with loads of eye makeup on. Of course you do. Yeah. I love that. So put your eye makeup on Paul. Put your eye makeup on Paul. This winter, take a trip to Tampa on Porter Airlines. Enjoy the warm Tampa Bay temperatures and warm Porter hospitality on your way there. All Porter Fairs include beer, wine and snacks

and free fast streaming Wi-Fi on planes with no middle seats. And your Tampa Bay vacation includes good times, relaxation and great Gulf Coast weather. Visit flyporter.com and actually enjoy economy. Right, final question. This is from someone called James. I've been living with my best mate for five and a half years, though I hate saying best mate because it makes me sound eleven. I'm 35 now and we've known each other for 15 years. But after a year of dating her boyfriend, she's moved in with him and now she doesn't call or text. We only see each other in group settings. It's like I've been totally dropped and it really hurts. I've talked to our mutual friends, but they say

she just needs space. Is there something she's not telling me? Am I being oversensitive? Am I a melt and don't realize it? Should I bring this up with her or just move on? I think everything that she's doing is completely normal when you meet someone and you become and you fall in love. And anyone who's in a long-term relationship will say that Peter's out and then you get your friends back. And it's just, we said it in your podcast, you just have to stand back and let them do it and not get offended by it.

But it is always a kick in the face. However, who is it? James? James, yeah. James will fall in love and do the same thing. So you'll meet somebody and that love that you're forming with them will take you out of your life for a period of time And it's just what happens and I look back on So many of those times when like Louise one of my best friends had a boyfriend and like I didn't see them for months

Be so hurt and offended and look now everything's great. Now. That's just what happens. It's not even in our control It's like it's the law of attraction. It biology. If David Attenborough was doing a voiceover, it would be like, and the female is falling in love with the male and to solidify this relationship to make sure that they reproduce. She has to be completely obsessed with him and lie down and spread her legs while he impregnates her and then blah, blah, blah. And then five years later, now the female and the male have been together five years, they fucking hate each other. And James answers his phone his phone still there ready to be a great friend. It's a kind of fine line isn't there to always be there for us even when they've got their own lives going on you know and sometimes we just can't be there for people and I think if they're

continuously like if for you know the next 10 years you don't hear from her maybe you know like just question why you would want to hear from her. You know, like, I think it's about looking at what, what is this triggering in you? But also just bear in mind that she's really happy and she's met someone that doesn't make her love you any less. Yeah. And if you start getting weird and jealous, just imagine the conversations she's having with people. James has just been really weird of me since I met Steve. I've fallen in love with someone. Why can't he just be happy? I've moved in with them. This is a massive time in my life. Like, we're not quite the same as we were, but then because I've met somebody else. I just, can't he just be happy for me? I've moved in with them. This is a matter of time in my life. Like, we're not quite the same as we were back then because I've met somebody else.

I just, and James has been really weird and that could ruin your friendship forever. I also don't want to like, I don't know whether James is gay or not, but like, and I don't want to do this to sexualize every friendship between a man and a woman because it's perfectly possible to have a friend, be friends with members of the opposite sex without having sex with them. But like, it also, if you are straight, James, it might look a bit like you're jelly. Yeah, one of my best mates was a guy. And then when he met his wife, who now he's a great friend of mine, I had to step back. I didn't want to. And I found that there was

definitely a transition period there. But I was like, my friendship with him, we were completely platonic always, like literally like brother and sister. But there was definitely a transition period there, but I was like, my friendship with him, we were completely platonic always, like literally like brother and sister. But there was no space for that friendship in that relationship. And I had to be a grownup about that and realize, and now literally best friends with her, with him. So it's all okay in the end.

You've got to let people fall in love. Let people find their life partner. Let them do that bit. Friendship doesn't end. Friendship never ends and everything is gonna be fine quickly what I want to end on is you just you bought this on yourself now many people might not know is that Dawn is an excellent singer and in particular she has this really good party trick, which is singing the bit of the Skyler Sisters

I'm clearing my throat in Hamilton, where she, when we were on one of our accidental holiday, and I hope there will be more Dawn, I hope there will be more, you just suddenly burst into song and I was like, what the fuck? Can I do it now so it might get signed? Yes. I might get signed to take a photo. It's going to be terrible now that I've done this. It's just the three girls' names, that's it. Yeah.

Angelica, Eliza and Peggy. If you know, you know. And on that note, everyone head and listen to Hamilton. Peggy! Peggy! Peggy Dawn! You're welcome. Oh guys, what a journey we're on.

Episode 16 done and dusted. This week I'll be asking you to subscribe and rate the show in the style of screaming it down a well. Like, subscribe, tell a friend. They're not doing this or the rest is fucking history. My weekly recommendation is one based on the appalling state of my skin this week. It's gone like adolescent frankly. I can't believe I've got to 44 and I've only just discovered what these things are really.

Pimple stickers by a brand called Starface and they are shaped like stars and you shove them over your spot, get on with your day. I actually saw someone in a coffee shop the other day with a bright green star on their face and I thought what's going on here and now I know what was going on there. She was trying to get rid of her spots and they're bloody amazing. Star face, zits, stickers. Next week I'll be joined by Abby Felton who has an amazing story of recovery from alcohol addiction and coming to terms with a terminal cancer diagnosis. I'll see you on Monday.