The Life Of Bryony - The Life of YOU: "Should I Have Kids If I Have OCD?"

Episode Date: October 18, 2024

Welcome to The Life of YOU, where your questions take centre stage, and we try our best to help. In this bonus episode, I'm joined by the wonderful Kimberley Nixon as we tackle your most pressing concerns. We’re also marking OCD Awareness Week with a special focus on mental health and OCD. Today… 🔴Jane’s 17-year-old son is struggling with OCD and has been waiting for CBT treatment. How can she support him in the meantime?  🔴Charlie is terrified that his OCD will impact his ability to be a good parent one day.  🔴And where’s the balance between supporting someone and enabling their compulsions? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU You know what they say: a problem shared is a problem… halved?! Get in touch! 🗣️ Send a text or voice note to 07796657512 and start your message with LOB 💬 WhatsApp Shortcut: https://wa.me/447796657512 📧 You can also email me at: [e-mail]  Thanks again to Kimberley Nixon and join us again on Monday for more! Bryony xx Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Welcome, welcome everyone to the Friday bonus edition, The Life of You. My guest from Monday, Kimberley Nixon, returns to help me answer some of your questions. This podcast is coming out during OCD Awareness Week, and I had such an amazing chat with Kimberly on Monday about our OCD experiences and intrusive thoughts. Do go back and listen if you haven't already heard it. Although myself and Kimberly have lived experience of OCD, we are not experts. As always, there are some great links in the show notes. It should never stop you having children and living your life or going for that job. The more you feel it should stop you, the more you should do it.

The Life of You, OCD edition, right after this. First question from a woman called Jane. And she says, my son is 17 and waiting for cbt and he's been on a list for weeks and weeks and weeks the thoughts are clearly really awful to him and it's really heartbreaking to see but he doesn't want to talk or think about it and he says the only way he can get through it is by gaming how can I support him in the meantime it's really difficult isn't it what is comforting and what becomes a compulsion things can become a compulsion for you so possibly gaming could be I think that's a really important point to make to Jane is that the gaming may distract him from it but that's not necessarily a great thing when I

was I don't know why this is any more embarrassing than anything else I've ever admitted but in my early 20s a therapist banned me from playing Nintendo yeah because I was obsessed yeah I was in my own world and then I wasn't having intrusive thoughts and I find now I can do it with like little games where I'm like I'm lining up and matching things on my phone. Yeah. Looking back as a teenager when I was having an OCD episode, I would watch the same thing over and over again. So there was about a two year period where all I did was watch The Office. Right.

The same 12 episodes of The Office or the same 12 episodes of Fawlty Towers. Because there was a comfort in that I knew what was going to happen I knew nothing was going to like trigger anything in me because I knew them so well and it would just take my mind off it but it got to the point where you can't just watch one thing for two years. I also think to say to Jane if you can I know this is really difficult and it's all of this is easier said than done but especially with a 17 year old yeah but if you can get him outside just get him out for a walk as much as you can just sort of can even if he's not saying anything or talking yeah I think that thing of walking side by side a it becomes much easier if he is going to say something

because he doesn't feel the pressure because he's not having to look straight at you. But B, I think there's something tremendously powerful about going outside, breathing in the fresh air and seeing that the world is still turning. And even if you're just going for a walk around your block. I mean, I live in Wales. And if you see my Instagram most of the time, especially when earlier on when I was very much in the thick of you see my Instagram most of the time especially when earlier on when I was very much in the thick of it I would do a lot of my kind of little video bits and pieces when I was out walking the dog in the green with the sky even if it was pouring down with rain but there's something of being connected to the real world when everything else isn't making any sense but that idea of looking up

just look up from even if it's for a moment looking up and out as opposed to rather than just because physically and metaphorically when i was in the house i was looking down i was trying to make myself as small as possible i didn't want to engage with anything around me and if you can just go out even for 10 minutes and just look up at the sky and take yourself out of it it might just be for a second but you will never regret doing it it's you know even when I I think the good thing about having a dog is that you have they need a walk you have to go um and but I never came back from a walk regretting I always came back feeling a bit better. But just in that you've done something.

You've achieved something. You know, even if it's, if you're having a really tough time, brush your teeth. Make your bed. Make your bed. Have a shower. Because that was the stuff that wasn't accessible to me. When you feel so wretched about yourself, when you're having such horrible thoughts that you think you're a terrible person and a monster well you don't deserve to have clean teeth you don't deserve to have

nicely washed hair and so I didn't and part of my self-compassion inverted commas wasn't going for a massage or going shopping or anything that people think it is it was having a shower and brushing my teeth yeah it was putting on a fresh pair of socks also jane well we can put this in the show notes there's an organization called mental health mates which i set up but it's entirely free and they are walks all over the country for people with mental health issues where they can just get out come together walk and talk without fear of judgment so maybe you could take them on one of those. That sounds amazing. Now, this one is a really good question from a guy called Charlie. Do you have any advice on managing OCD and being a parent. So Charlie doesn't have kids yet, right? He's

suffered with pure O since he was 13. He says, I'm a lot better and continue to try and get more of a grip on it. I want to have children, but I'm terrified the intrusive thoughts would take hold and I'd be scared of asking for help from therapists for fear people would think I'm a danger to my child. Yes. I'm very apprehensive to share this struggle, particularly as I am a man. Any advice? Charlie, I can't tell you how common it is. And especially, I mean, if we talk about something that even women won't talk about because of fear of shame and judgment than dads who suffer with postnatal mental illnesses which does happen postnatal OCD can happen to the dads they can't talk about it because they're so terrified and

I get a lot of messages from people who say I don't have kids or I won't have kids because of my OCD and it breaks my heart because sometimes I just want to say back, well, I've done a crappy part of it for you. Like I hope by being honest and just talking about this that you'll never feel that alone because at least there's one person who's talked about it and that it should never stop you having children and living your life or going for that job the more you feel it should stop you the more you should do it yeah it's an erp i mean don't just have a load of kids as an erp exercise but you know because one day when you do have a kid and you'll think oh i'm doing it also kim I don't know about you but I have found parenting

through OCD and in spite of OCD and almost because of OCD like for me like you now my life's work is talking about this stuff because the thought of my daughter having to go through this stuff without any support now it's not about stopping people from experiencing mental illness because we can't do that no but the idea there's something really beautiful about being able to parent through these things and almost because of them and forcing yourself through and I have found parenting a really this is gonna sound so woo woo but it's almost like reparenting that little version of me who couldn't but there wasn't any help available you know in the 80s and 90s and couldn't articulate it it was not my mum and dad's fault it's it's like I feel like sometimes now yeah having a child and talking to

her about my OCD and what I try not to call it my OCD because I don't it's not it doesn't belong to me it's a thing but trying talking to her about OCD and there's amazing as well there's like amazing books out there for kids about OCD like middle grade fiction for children so they know what it is I think that OCD you know we're talking about OCD because that's what's been so present in our lives I think it's a really transferable skill in that when you learn to live with it and not hate yourself and talk about it and not feel ashamed and just throw light on that really dark corner corners of the mind and that we all have those thoughts and that that it's part of the human experience that actually it plays into a load of other areas

in your life it makes you less scared and it makes you more open and I hope that you know as my son grows up there's nothing that he can't say there's no mental I don't know that anguish that he can't just articulate to me you know when I think about being eight years old and and having an OCD episodes that I never told anybody about that would last for weeks or months and you know I didn't know what it was I didn't know what it was I just thought I was different I thought I had a bit of a mad brain I didn't understand why I cared so much that was really difficult and I think as I as my son grows up and I see him if he is like me in that way that I'll not I don't know there's not intervene but just you'll just allow there'll be a space for him to go this and me to go yeah I have to say as well Charlie what's really interesting is that when I

first had my daughter for the first couple of months I was like on red alert waiting for the OCD to come in and what was weird was that because I had, so this is something to say is that there are lots of people that will never have experienced mental illness in their lives. And parenthood is one of the times when it will come in for the first time. Yes, that happens a lot.

And a lot, especially to women. And so I was really expecting to feel absolutely dreadful and for the OCD to kick off. And the weirdest thing was for the first three months of my daughter's life, I had never been so for the OCD to kick off and the weirdest thing was for the first three months of my daughter's life I had never been so free of OCD it was like uh and actually we can come on to this the hormones I I definitely have discovered and this this might be doesn't refer doesn't relate to Charlie as much although men have hormones in them as well but um it was like the I've I'm quite progesterone intolerant which i've discovered only

by going through the menopause and the reason i discovered i was going through menopause was because the ocd came back really badly and i thought what the hell's going on i'm sober i should know how to control this yes what's what and then i and then i went on HRT and it was within days. It was like I was having the intrusive thoughts, but I just couldn't connect with them. I was like, whatevs. But anyway, but Charlie, so weirdly, I realized that actually having had this experience of OCD throughout my childhood. So actually, when I had a child, it was like all of the intrusive thoughts that were coming in a way I was like, yeah, I know what this is. And I knew what it was. So I was more able to handle it. So someone else has got in touch about their daughter is 13

and suffering with OCD. And is it better to in to the fixations for relief to support people so is it better to reassure them or continue to try and make them resist but then risk further stressing them now this is an interesting thing because obviously we've spoken about because stress very much increases the likelihood of OCD however that in itself shouldn't be a reason for you to give in to the compulsions because you need to be able to experience a bit of the stress. Yeah. I mean, it's really difficult, isn't it? I think you have to see where someone is emotionally. CBT, which stands for cognitive behavioral therapy, is broadly speaking what you will

be offered if you present with OCD which is what I was offered but there's there's a very specific type of CBT which is exposure response prevention which is ERP yes your husband had to be brought in on the ERP and taught how to not reassure you can you talk a bit about that just because there are going to be people listening who want to know how there are going to be people listening who want to know how to be able to support people. Yes. So even if we'd have known,

I don't think he could have done that in the very early days because I was too poorly for it to go cold turkey in that way. So yeah, so it's almost like don't beat yourself up if you find yourself reassuring when someone is very unwell.

When I first started doing ERP, I had this real thing. I got so stuck on it that it wasn't helping me. If I did do a compulsion, then it was ruined. I've done it wrong. I'm not doing it. I'm not progressing. I'm not doing anything.

And actually, again, the meta idea is if I did do a compulsion and get it wrong, learning to be OK with that. And that's part of your ERP. And it's like, you know, layers within layers. with that and that's part of your hobby and it's like you know layers within layers but when you know we were talking earlier about um compulsions by proxy so what happens a lot with people with OCD and certainly say perinatal OCD because there is a baby there is getting your partner to give them a bath giving your partner to change their nappy and getting your partner to push the pushchad in case you accidentally push them into traffic or just let go of the pram and so you're like well i'm not doing the compulsions someone else is but

someone's doing it for you you're still trying to you're still trying to shield yourself avoiding and you avoid so it's avoiding and reassurance are the two big things and you have to and I still have to catch myself now even though I've come a long way in educating myself about it it's a sneaky little thing I would also say to anyone who's trying to support someone is that it can be incredibly frustrating so don't shame yourself if you find yourself feeling exasperated yes with the person you're dealing with maybe try and find someone that you can talk to about that exasperation so you're less likely to take it out on the yes on the child or the partner or the whoever it is yeah and you know actually love unconditional love is the best thing

you can give someone yeah when they're suffering from OCD my husband I remember when I thought that maybe someone else was the father of our child and we were on a baby moon in Barbados and I was seven months pregnant and I had to tell him I had to confess confession is another form of OCD yes I have to tell every thought in my head yeah that's a compulsion to say this is OCD isn't it and so I told him and he said to me okay well even if it is someone else's that's fine I still love you and I always remember that being like what but it was it was like it was almost like my OCD had nowhere to go yes I can imagine that because you're the whole hold that your OCD had over you was if you've done something terrible

he'll leave he's going to leave you and you're going to be left alone with a new baby and no one's going to love you and it was the same thing you know when I was very poorly it was like if my family if my dad if my in-laws if the people I love and who love me find out who I really am they will go they will go and I will be left in a prison cell or some psychiatric ward alone by myself and they'll want nothing to do with me nobody will love me and slowly slowly slowly oh they're not going anywhere they're not going anywhere and I you know I still haven't processed really how incredible my husband you know he's a kind of burly welshman and gets very angry at things and you know but the unconditional love and patience he showed for

going on the best part of two and a half years I don't know how he did it for how little I was giving back because I was just trying to survive the day and get through the day and not let it win and I was so focused on that and trying to be a mum but he didn't stop ever for me the one thing that has made the biggest difference to my life in terms of OCD has been unconditional love. Unconditional love from my husband, unconditional love from my therapist. Yeah. Sounds weird. And has been learning that I don't have to be perfect. Yeah. That I don't have to be good. That was it. That it is okay if I am a bit bad. You mentioned in the main episode about absolutes black and white thinking people with OCD find it very difficult to sit in the gray yes and for me the most healing thing I

have gone on is when I have intrusive thoughts I go that's okay everyone has intrusive thoughts I'm just going to have a moment here this does not make me a bad person but also if I was a bad person that would be okay yeah and here's the thing that we need to reclaim and that we're gonna end on and everyone else if you're gonna say one thing say this I have OCD and I am not my thoughts I am not my thoughts I'm just the person who hears them. I love that. Episode 10 completed it. Wow. 10 episodes already. God, aren't we good? Let's do it all again on Monday. Hit subscribe, tell a friend how amazing this podcast is, and I'll see you on Monday.