The Life Of Bryony - The Life of YOU: Stop Being a People-Pleaser and Start Asking for What You Want!

Starting point is 00:00:00 Seriously Popular good girl syndrome, and the pressures of people-pleasing, topics that resonated deeply with so many of you. Anna's latest book, The Uncomfortable Truth, dives into all of these challenges. Today, Fiona can't account for her mother's bad behavior, Amara is on the verge of 40 and doesn't feel like it's a party, and is Mia saying no more to her Mr. Nice Guy? You can't make someone who they are. If he then does it to please her, it might just end up feeling awkward and contrived. All of your problems solved right after this.

Starting point is 00:01:04 If you like this episode, we think you'll love this. This week on The Life of Briony, I'm joined by the wonderful Helen Flanagan. We'll be chatting about how she's navigated the ups and downs of ADHD and postnatal depression while balancing life in the public eye and motherhood. Struggling to find balance or feeling overwhelmed by life's challenges? This episode is very much for you. The Life of Bryony, available now. Okay, our first email.

Starting point is 00:01:37 Hi Bryony and Anna, my mum's getting on a bit and the other day she asked me to help her set up her new iPad. I'm not an Apple person, so I asked my brother to visit since he's good with tech and has a bit more patience for these things. When mum found out, she scolded me for wasting his time because according to her, he's far too busy with his important job in accountancy. The thing is, I'm also an accountant. It's frustrating because it feels like in her eyes

Starting point is 00:02:06 his time is more valuable than mine just because I work from home I'm a mum and live nearby how do I explain to my mother that despite the different setups my time is just as important as my brother's and that is from Fiona oh my god Fiona I feel for you yeah we've all been there Fiona do you know what I think if Fiona was able to share this with a friend and for her friend to do that empathetic pause of oh my gosh that alone is validating because she can say to her mum you know what I'm an accountant too and I'm juggling a lot and my time is just as precious as his she may say oh my gosh I hadn't thought about that of course you're absolutely right I'm sorry or she may not and actually I think again this is getting a little

Starting point is 00:02:52 bit more comfortable with being misunderstood being able to do that eye roll and think okay you've got me wrong you're seeing me through your lens maybe it's a bit of an old-fashioned lens like you think I'm the mum you think I'm you know, I'm just maybe not working the hours and just being OK with being misunderstood. Yes. Validate your own voice by explaining feel so gotten seen in these moments, then actually it takes the pressure off that person. Otherwise, what we can find ourselves doing is stepping back from that relationship because we feel painfully misunderstood. I always remember when I came out of rehab, it was Christmas. And obviously, there was a cohort coming out of rehab and lots of people were like, how am I going to deal with my family? How am I going to have a sober Christmas with my family? And the counsellor said, remember this, do you want to be happy or do you want to be right? And I, of course, thought, well, I want to be both. And he said, no, you can only be one. and what he meant was is that sometimes and he said this you've just got to smile and wave this is quite a useful thing to remember that sometimes there is no changing how other people are and that's okay what we need to change is our reaction to it and what's my part in it and

Starting point is 00:04:21 you know I think around families as well especially around, I am still at the age of 44, 14. You know, like I still will find myself at Christmas being like, she got my sister a better present. And I'm like, what the hell? You know, and it's just going, OK, we don't have to be that. Regrounding ourselves in the moment and going, look, maybe your mum's being a bit of a dick because that's just what it's going to be. And do you need to spend any more of your energy today, Fiona, thinking about that?

Starting point is 00:04:54 Or do you just want to rise above it? It can be really painful when the people, especially if their family don't get you and aren't able to validate you or see you. But as long as you can see and validate yourself because otherwise you know if she's not getting that sense of recognition from her mum and she's not recognizing herself she's going to desperately want to fight to put it right and we can't yeah always but also has Fiona tried like talking to her brother because I bet you her

Starting point is 00:05:22 brother is like oh Fiona I'm, mum's being a dick. I can't remember, I'm using the word dick a lot. Yeah. Like, what? You know, like, because I think also what can happen is we can almost find ourselves in like face-offs against our siblings. They're like, but why?

Starting point is 00:05:39 I don't understand. This isn't me, Fiona, this is mum. Like, come on, mum's got a mum. Yeah, that's why it's mom's got a mom yeah that's what's helpful to just verbalize these things good luck fiona good luck we appreciate you and all your we see you accountancy work email number two hi briny hi anna i'm turning 40 soon and i realized something pretty unsettling i don't actually know who I am. This isn't from me, by the way. I feel like I don't have any real hobbies or passions. I get

Starting point is 00:06:10 that social media is just everyone's highlight reel, but even so, I can't help but feel like I'm on the outside looking in, watching everyone else live these full, vibrant lives while I'm just drifting. It's like I'm existing rather than living, almost like a spectator in my own life. I'm not unhappy exactly, but I'm definitely not content either. I spent so much time doing what's expected of me. I'm not sure who I am outside of that. How do I even start to figure it out? Or is it too late for me? And that's from Amara in Bristol. Yeah, this is so common. I think when looking at social media, yes, we know it's bollocks. Cognitively, we know it's bollocks, right? That it's all is a highlight reel, but we are hardwired

Starting point is 00:06:51 to believe what we see. So it makes sense that we find that hard. And I think when we're questioning things, it can be even harder to try and rationalize what we're saying. But notice the envy. I think sometimes envy can be quite an interesting tool to use when we're wondering who we are. You know, we might look at someone and think, oh, I just feel really jealous of them going traveling. I feel really jealous of them having done something wild with their hair. I feel really envious of them going away for a night with their girlmates. Sometimes that can just show us actually one of the yearnings that we might have and how can we lean into that envy and think well maybe that's saying that I want a bit of that what would that look like for me

Starting point is 00:07:29 how can I make that happen how can I move towards that and the other thing I think is start noticing what you're not saying start noticing what you're not asking for start noticing what opinions you're not expressing because often that is more authentic, right? We all have that first thought that rises up in us and then the people pleaser or, you know, our current identity will say, I can't say that. I can't do that. I can't ask for that. I've just got to agree with that. Actually start noticing what you're overriding, because often that can speak to the more authentic part of you and just start challenging yourself and thinking, what would it be like if I actually shared that opinion

Starting point is 00:08:08 that was conflicting with that other person? What would it be like if I actually said to that person, you know what, I don't like it when you do that. I know you've been doing it 15 years, but actually it's been great on me all that time. What would it be like to start kind of externalizing some of that part of you that maybe you just kept under wraps and I think sometimes that's the beginning of starting to realize who we are because we've

Starting point is 00:08:33 suppressed a lot also what I would say Amara is that there are times where we are just sort of pootling along kind of a bit aimlessly and And I think we, you know, one of the things that the Instagram highlight reels have done, one of the kind of unexpected consequences of that, which is that it makes us think that we always, our life has to constantly have profound meaning, you know, and it just doesn't. Sometimes it's like, sometimes life's a bit meh. Sometimes it's like, sometimes life's a bit meh. Yeah. You know, it's not bad.

Starting point is 00:09:08 It's not good. It's just very middle of the road. And that's okay. And I think like there are seasons in life, you know, just as there are in the year, you know, and there will be busy times, Amara. There will be times when you're out doing lots of your, you know, and I just think trust that and maybe just listen to what you need right now instead of what you think you should need. Yeah, there's that as well, isn't it? What should I be doing at this point in my life? What should I be wanting? What should I be? And I think milestone birthdays really kind of bring that into our heads, you know, and that's not necessarily a bad thing, but it's just going, going okay but it is essentially just another year and

Starting point is 00:09:46 it's okay that I don't quite know what I'm doing right now you know and trust the process that maybe because things change really quickly in life yeah I am 44 now and weirdly I would say I am like 39 to 44 doesn't seem like that it It's five years, you know. But just even in that time, the amount of emotional change and growth and the things that were completely out of my control that have happened in my life that I could not have seen coming. And some of them are terrible and some of them are amazing. And it's just like, just know that we're not in charge. You know, we are not in charge. So just go with the flow a bit, Amara. I think that's my advice.

Starting point is 00:10:30 Yeah, and boredom can sometimes be a real gift when we go through a bored patch in life and there's not a lot going on. Actually, sometimes when there are curveballs, you know, we crave boredom. We crave just... Also, yeah, I know there are people out there who would give anything to be bored, you know, like who are going through.

Starting point is 00:10:47 This is not me shaming you, Amara. It's just saying that sometimes we forget that boredom is a bit of a luxury and just, I would say, fucking get settled in and get a good box set. if you like this episode we think you'll love this this week on the life of briny i'm joined by the wonderful helen flanagan we'll be chatting about how she's navigated the ups and downs of adhd and postnatal depression while balancing life in the public eye and motherhood. Struggling to find balance or feeling overwhelmed by life's challenges? This episode is very much for you. The Life of Bryony, available now. And finally, this is from Mia, but that's not actually her name. She's going by a pseudonym. She says, Hey, Bryony and Anna. So I met this guy on Hinge, who's basically my type on paper.

Starting point is 00:11:52 He's kind, thoughtful, ticks all the boxes. Honestly, he's a dream, except there's one issue. He's just too nice, especially in the bedroom. He keeps on asking me if i'm all right and if it hurts i feel awful saying this but i would like him to be thoughtless and objectify me a bit more in bed is this because i watch too much porn i know i could try directing him but the thought of giving a guy a how-to guide in bed just kills the mood for me i want him to take charge but he's just so gentle bless him i'm stuck between wanting him to be the opposite of who he is in the bedroom and not wanting to ruin a good thing. Help. What do I do?

Starting point is 00:12:30 Oh, man. I mean, as a therapist and someone who's just spent ages talking about kind of people, I would just be honest. I don't know about this. You can't make someone who you can't make someone who they aren't. And it might just end up if he then does it to please her it might just end up feeling awkward and contrived and no but there is a fine line here but also i think there might be a bit of self-sabotage going on here with mia like i think she needs to step back for a moment and ask herself why does this bother her why does this man being nice and asking her what she wants and how she wants things to go?

Starting point is 00:13:08 Why does that bother her so much? It could be on both parts, right? It could be that actually she feels suspicious of something good that just seems good through and through. But it also, you know, it could be a bit of anxiety on his part. Yeah, he could be over-egging the pudding. Yeah, where he's so worried maybe from a previous experience of having some negative feedback or something he's anxious so he's kind of over concerned she could say mate just trust that you're doing i'll let you know yeah like maybe i would love you to take do you know what let's call him steve i don't know

Starting point is 00:13:41 where that name's come from very sexy, do you know what I love? You know, you're asking me all the time, you know, what I, if I'm all right and this, I would love it if you just really bossed me around a bit. See what Steve said. Just take it, like, you know, and then, you know, also I'm going to put something out here that sex is important, obviously, but it isn't always, you've got to ask yourself is it the most important thing to you and maybe it is I mean you hint at the fact you watch a lot of porn you know like I think we do have these kind of like ideas in our head of what sex should be like and then there's what sex is actually like you know you know if you're lucky a relationship will go on and on and on and on and on and it's just not possible to be having

Starting point is 00:14:26 incredible sex every turn you know or in all the decades no one do you want it to like come on like safety comes in time right and maybe he's actually feeling a bit anxious which is why he's being over cautious and in time he might relax into it once he feels safer this is a good problem to have yeah that he's too kind. Maybe that's not what she's used to. Maybe it feels uncomfortable. Maybe there's just a conversation that needs to be had. Have the conversation.

Starting point is 00:14:53 And if it's meant to be, the conversation will be fine. Yes, he could be relieved. He could be relieved. And if he can't deal with it, then you're not meant to be. And let's move on to the next person on hinge thank you and good night episode 12 a dozen done and i've got great news there's gonna be an episode 13 unlucky for some but we don't engage in magical thinking here so not for us hit subscribe tell a friend how amazing this podcast is and i'll see you on monday engage in magical thinking here, so not for us. Hit subscribe, tell a friend how amazing

Starting point is 00:15:25 this podcast is, and I'll see you on Monday. If you like this episode, we think you'll love this this week on the life of briny i'm joined by the wonderful helen flanagan we'll be chatting about how she's navigated the ups and downs of adhd and postnatal depression while balancing life in the public eye and motherhood struggling to find balance or feeling overwhelmed by life's challenges? This episode is very much for you. The Life of Briony, available now.

The Life Of Bryony - The Life of YOU: Stop Being a People-Pleaser and Start Asking for What You Want!

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