The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 395 - Live! Hamish Blake, Dilruk Jayasinha & Brett Blake

Episode Date: May 2, 2018

It's another classic two beer podcast LIVE from the European Bier Cafe. HAMISH BLAKE drops some massive celebrity names, DILRUK JAYASINHA has dropped some massive weight and BRETT BLAKE holds court (literally!) PLUS Tommy's been working on a kid's show and there's another instalment of Talking Dum Dum AND Talking Coppola!  Don't forget, we have a bunch of huge live shows coming up:SYDNEY: We're doing our 400th episode LIVE with huge guests PLUS our solo shows! JUNE 2. KOH SAMUI: The Koh Samui International Podcast Festival is happening again in 2018 with guests The Dollop! JUNE 13 - 18. For tickets, merchandise, links to our Patreon and heaps of other stuff, head to our website: littledumdumclub.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit planetbroadcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mates. Today on the Little Dumb Dumb Club, the second of our huge live episodes from Melbourne, featuring excellent special guests Hamish Blake, Dilruk Jai Singer and Brett Blake, a ripper of an episode this one. But first of all, we have a major late-breaking announcement regarding a certain milestone of two fuckheads celebrating that they have little else going on, a little thing called the 400th episode of this podcast. You're going to have to give me more clues.

Sydney. Go on. June the 2nd This is going over my head 8pm Give me a god damn good easy clue The Giant Dwarf Theatre Alright

I guess This will be one for the drive home I guess I'll figure it out later Boy this bit is dead on arrival Yes Saturday June the 2nd We are doing our 400th episode live in Sydney. Huge special guests at the Giant Dwarf Theatre. It's a big room.

We put this on sale about 24 hours ago and we've already half filled the room. Tickets are absolutely flying out the door. It's very, very exciting. They're selling better than hotcakes because I don't think I've ever bought a hotcake. Right. Yeah. So better than hotcakes because I don't think I've ever bought a hotcake. Right. Yeah. So better than hotcakes. But there's enough people in the world that even if you don't buy any, they could still

be selling really well without your involvement. Okay. Well, are hotcakes just pancakes? What are they? I think, but that's what, don't McDonald's call theirs hotcakes? Oh, do they? Yeah. Maybe that's what the saying is.

Okay. Maybe McDonald's put pancakes on the menu. Right. And that's where the saying comes from. Maybe they, menu. Right. And that's where the saying comes from. Maybe they... Okay. Yeah. They put pancakes on the menu but called them hotcakes. Bit of subliminal advertising to go, well, these will sell well because people just fucking...

They conned into it by the saying. Didn't we say we were going to keep this bit punchy? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sydney. 400th episode. June the 2nd. 8pm. Get in quick, Sydney.

We didn't know what to think about Sydney but you were spying the shit out of these tickets so it's going to be a special we should say three hour show yes giantdwarf.com.au for tickets it's our solos plus the live podcast it is going to be so much fun and yes very excited to be up in that space have it nice and

full with all you guys and then we'll be kicking on afterwards it's going to be fucking great so giantdwarf. afterwards. It's going to be fucking great. So giantdwarf.com.au for tickets to that. Meanwhile, enjoy this live episode. This is so good, this episode too. Yeah, this is a great one. Brett Blake, Dilruk Jaisingha and the great man Hamish Blake in absolutely great form.

Enjoy this episode and we'll see you afterwards for more Talking Dum Dum. Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the little Dum Dum. Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the little Dum Dum Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Daslow and standing next to me, the other half of the program, Terry Two Beers, Carl Chandler. G'day, you kids. I think it's going to be a two beer podcast today as well.

Oh, really? Yeah. I think it's going to get pretty loose. Yeah. I'm thinking looking at these cunts is going to take a two-beer podcast today, that's why. Oh, really? Yeah. I think it's going to get pretty loose. Yeah, I'm thinking looking at these cunts is going to take me two beers, I reckon, so... No, you look great. Thanks for coming, most of you. Who came last week? Who didn't come?

Why would you woo that, you fucking idiots? What'd you do instead? One by one, let's go through it. Okay, good. All right, fuck fuck all that's good good review we really should have marked everyone up yeah big mistake i can't see that creating any extra tech problems for us yeah yeah we can't get two people right 200 mics feeding back into each other um hey here's what happened this week. So we put out a new T-shirt this week. Yes.

Literally mid-week. The new design that a few people here have got. All right, mate, we've all got stuff going on. Really driving that catchphrase into the ground. I think it's officially dead, so... That thing that we don't really say anymore. Time to put it on a T-shirt. Yeah.

Strike while the iron is tepid. Yeah. Let's get some Rubik's Cube t-shirts happening. Let's get some anal t-shirts happening. Wait, what? Anal, you know, it's been around for ages. That's the order that things were invented in. Anal, then the Rubik's Cube, then us saying,

all right, mate, we've all got stuff going on. Those are the only three things that have ever been invented. To be honest, I think anal is still hot right now though, so it's hotter than it's ever been. Oh, it's going to be one of those two beer anals. Nice. So, we put that shirt

out and look, I just want to do the tech run. I want to tell you in front of all these people, just so we know for next time we order shirts and everything. So, I don't know what this says about these people here or podcast listeners in general. Uh-oh. Here comes a positive story.

We have sold out of all of our plus-size T-shirts from 2XL, 3XL, 4XL, 5XL, everything else untouched. We have sold dozens of huge fat fuck t-shirts. Business is booming and so are the floorboards when our listeners walk across them. It is. I mean, we talk a lot about fitness and people losing weight

on this show, but it has not taken effect to anyone that listens to this show by the sound of it. No, but it's actually genius because we put the really, you know, we put the bigger sizes on, people buy them, then we kind of fat shame them into losing weight, then guess what? They've got to buy a smaller size in three months' time. And then

they go straight back up again and we sell another shirt. Right. It's on this cycle. It's great. People back up again and we sell another shirt. Right. It's on this cycle. It's great. People don't seem to find this that funny. That's... Oh, cool. When we're hanging shit on us, all well and good,

but you guys copying it? Nah, none of this, thanks. Yeah, to be fair, we haven't made jokes about larger gentlemen before, so it's all new stuff for these people. All right, look, let me win them all back.

Fuck you! There we go. I think that's too far. You know what? I met a guy this week that I met a mutual friend of this person tried to introduce me

to them and said, oh, this is Carl and he goes, oh, I know who this is. My wife listens to his podcast. Which I just find so funny that like the reputation of maybe our podcast but a lot of podcasts in general is just a lot of guys in their basement

but this guy is like oh the wife listens to his podcast like like we're some sort of sex in the city podcast sort of thing where she can go out and do her shopping and listening to the little dum-dum club or whatever. I have to say, so far after my shows during the festival, I've met I think maybe four listeners who are couples and the woman has come and introduced herself to me and said, listen to the podcast, we're both coming to Samui. You know, he doesn't really listen and he's like, oh yeah, coming to Samui I guess. Poor fucking you

being dragged to a paradise by your bombshell partner well i guess that's kind of what happened to me last year so well thank you someone i was in the middle of a bit in my show, a classic piece of comedy in my show last night, and a guy very noisily started walking out halfway through, just disrupted everything, opens the door, the door in my room is really creaky, goes out, and I go, thanks for walking

out and just absolutely fucking this bit midway through. And he goes, nah, it's fine, I saw the show on Wednesday. So he's come back and he's like, oh, well, this is the low-key material that you can go and take a piss during. No worries.

And also then it makes it hard to continue the bit because then everyone else in the room has heard this review of like, oh, well, this guy thinks it's the worst part of the show. So why should we give a fuck about what's happening now? I thought you were going to say it makes it hard to continue the bit because he was the only person there.

Yeah. Tell you what, it really took the wind out of the sails in the bit where it ends up I'm jerking off on the bus but anyway I won him back over like high art yeah that's that um you've been doing a lot what happened the other day you told me you were gonna tell me about something that happened you were doing a kid show I saw boobs for the first time. Oh, nice. I was hoping I could cut you off before you said kid show. Now it sounds fucked. Once again, strike while the iron's tepid.

Anal is in. Oh my God. Yeah, I'm in a kid show. I am... A kid. Like, I have another week of doing it Like let's not Let's not get me fired from the show Okay Tommy fucks kids

Okay That's got nothing to do with the show though That's That's outside of that That's like separate I don't shit where I No, anyway Fuck

Oh god Is this a show or a peep show so yeah I got asked to be in the show at the last minute I basically sit offstage and I do live drawings so the kids get up on stage and the lady who does the show asks them what they want to be when they grow up and then I kind of draw it on the screen behind them. I'm basically Fifey from Hey Hey It's Saturday. I've worked out in the app how to get the drawing and drag it and make it dance across the screen. Oh, nice. So now that's all I'm doing.

I'm just Fifey-ing it up non-stop. It's so good. Is that what you learnt in that animation degree that you studied for three months for? Yes, yes. First three months was Fifey 101. But yeah, it's been fun. I was very stressed about it because the whole thing of doing it for kids,

I felt like I had to gaffer tape a warning sign to the top of the iPad saying, this is a kid's show. You're improvising drawings. Do not do your default, which is drawing big dicks on all of the drawings. But so I found out on the first day that the other part of what I had to do is, as part of a bit in the show, I have to stand up in the all of the drawings. But so I found out on the first day that the other part of what

I had to do is, as part of a bit in the show I have to stand up in the back of the room and I have to shoot tennis balls out of a Nerf gun from the back of the room onto the stage. And it's like a really fucking high powered Nerf gun. It's extreme. And so the woman doing the show tells me, look, if you hit a kid in the

back of the head, we're going to have a real incident. So just aim it high. Aim well above their heads so that you don't clock them in their head because that would be really bad. I go, great. I'm really stressed out. I think I aim really high. First tennis ball I shoot on the first day,

ricochets off the speaker, clocks a kid square in the beam, just straight in the fucking head. So that's a good start. I was also very stressed about having to do drawings live and make them funny and everything swear in the bean, just straight in the fucking head. So that's a good start. I was also very stressed about having to do drawings live and make them funny and everything because it's not something I've ever done before. Or be funny.

Yeah. Thank you, Carl. Sorry, I hadn't said anything for a while, so I thought I'd grab one. The lady who was doing the show was like, don't worry, I'll kind of feed them stuff. I'll softball it for you. So the first kid that gets up, she goes, what do you want to be when you grow up?

And he goes, I want to be in the army. Like, fuck, all right. And she's like, why do you want to be in the army? He goes, because all my family's in the army. So I, like, draw a kid with a little, you know, army hat on. And then she's, like, trying to help me out. She's like, oh, you'd probably have lots of medals and stuff, wouldn't you? So I'm like, okay, that's easy.

I'll draw a medal on him. And then he just goes into deep description of the kind of guns he'd be using. How he'd be in the trenches with all of his friends. He basically starts describing Vietnam. This kid wants to go back in time and be in the Vietnam War. Even people who are in the army, they're not hoping they go to war, let alone an extremely unpopular war. He probably got a flashback when he got popped in the head by that fucking tent.

He's so funny as Charlie, just freaked out. So this is happening. He's just holding court, just saying all this. Everyone in the room is getting very freaked out. Like the adults in the room are literally just going, what the fuck? So I start trying to like, I'm drawing like kind of flowers and rainbows. The more you go, I'm like, oh, I'm sort of saving this, just drawing as cheery stuff as I can.

I draw a little puppy dog. He then notices the puppy dog and goes, yeah, that dog would get run over by a tank. Fucking hell. So then that brings the mood down again. So then I draw this kid's little bottom and I just draw fart clouds coming out of it because there's lots of fart jokes in the show.

And the kid cracks it. He's looking around the room. He's like, where's the manager? I want to speak to your manager about this. I'm not farting right now. It's incorrect of you to depict me as farting. I'm going to get you fired. And then the performer's like, okay, anyway,

who else wants to come up here? And the next girl was like, I want to be a ballerina. I'm going to get you fired and then the performer's like, okay, anyway who else wants to come up here? And the next girl was like, I want to be a ballerina. I'm like, fuck, finally a softball. So I drew her getting gunned down. I think I missed the point. Good out. That was good. It is interesting though, like doing the thing of like, what do kids want

to be when they grow up? I've done like five shows of it so far. So far, I think eight separate kids have said that when they grow up they want to be a YouTuber. Oh it so far. So far, I think eight separate kids have said that when they grow up they want to be a YouTuber. Oh, what? Kids of the future and the future's fucked, I'm sorry to say.

Fuck. No podcasters? No, no podcasters. Isn't that brutal? Yeah, I don't want to grow up and be a podcaster so then I can be you. They should just monitor

the doors of the shows when those kids come out that said YouTuber and immediately put them into foster care. What the fuck are your parents doing when that happens? Just some sort of sterilisation procedure that can happen. I am going to get a vasectomy next week, though. This is driven and haunted. Are you really?

Yeah. Are you really? Yeah. Because I think... If Daniel Sloss pays for me to get a vasectomy next week though. This is driven and haunted. Are you really? Yeah. Are you really? Yeah. Because I think... If Daniel Sloss pays for me to get a vasectomy, I'll go get it done. Fuck, it'd cost a lot to do a vasectomy for him, I think, wouldn't it?

Oh, you think it's like... Per inch, isn't it? You think it's like that pizza place on Ligon Street where you pay by the metre. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Yeah. It's a pizza place on Ligon Street where you pay by the metre? Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Yeah. It's a good pizza place.

It's okay. I think. Do you really like it? I do like it. It's a place called Pizza by the Metre. Yeah, maybe I just like it so much because the times I've been there it's been with my friend Carl. Yeah. Maybe that's why I'm a bit off it.

The original odd couple, ladies and gentlemen. I like pizza. He doesn't really like pizza that much. No, I like pizza. Thanks, Carl. Is that the new catchphrase? Thanks, Carl. Get those fucking T-shirt presses ready.

Either that or anal. Let's take a vote. Would you wear a T-shirt that said, thanks, Carl? To be fair, we've got about fucking 18 T-shirts out. I think the market is saturated. Would you wear a T-shirt that simply said, anal? Oh, wow. To be fair, that's just people that like that word, I think.

They're not going to wear it. I think the anals have it. Are we going to do a bit of survey or are we going to get our guest out? What do you reckon? Let's go to Pizza by the Meter. I feel like we're leaving our guests waiting a bit. But should we... Some people are going, yeah, we've had enough of you.

Yeah, right. Let's get our first guest out here. Folks, please welcome back into the little Dundum Club, Hamish Blake! How's it going? I'll be contestant number one, how are you? I got a message... I think barstools for real listening to this and I went to put my beer down and went that's miles away people listening at home going fuck I gotta come see this life that's like big stools I'm not a fan of the content, but I do like stools. And heights. I was talking to a friend of the show, Rotten Ronald Chang,

last night on Facebook. No big deal. I am on that platform. I know. I bought some data off you from Cambridge Analytica. Oh, man. I know exactly what you were looking at, my friend, for 1995. It's quite a little insight. I think everyone here could probably guess it themselves.

Koh Samui and anal. So I was talking to Rotten Ronald Chang last night and I said, oh, we're doing a podcast. And he said, oh, yeah, who are you doing it with? And I said, oh, one of the guests is Hamish Blake. And he said, you two look like Hamish and Andy after a car accident. It's just fun to get on Facebook with friends, isn't it?

And that data was only last night, so you don't own that data yet. I don't know about that yet. So who's Hamish, who's Andy? Yeah, that was my question. Well, I would say... And how bad was the accident? I mean, if I may, probably more on behalf of Andy. Yeah.

I mean, he'd be devastated to hear this. He'd be like, we're talking full facial transplant, right? But I've got to say, if it was just like a fender bender where the fucking airbag went off, then cool, I'll cop for that. Could it be jaywalking? I mean, like, if it was from me to Carl, bender where the fucking airbag went off, then cool. Could it be jaywalking? If it was from me to Carl, the accident was obviously something that knocked the beard off. It was hard enough

to knock my beard off. It stressed me slightly to get maybe one more crow's feet. But, you know, not too bad. But from Andy to Tommy... Yeah. I mean, somehow it made him hotter I saved it he saved it wow that's the first nice thing that's ever happened to me as a result of doing this podcast

what a sexy accident I'm gonna run into this ugly fucker you're whoa, who's this guy getting out of the car? I got hit by the fuckmobile. Having said that, I'm still stewing over that crow's feet fucking remark. Sure, that's how I play it. I cut one deep, I build one up. Now, look, we thought we'd get you on this show again, Hamish. Very big of us.

You're welcome. Thank you so much. This is literally, like, this is how, I mean, the ancient Romans marked their year by, like, the harvest or whatever. This is how I mark another year has passed. Oh, well, off to the European beer cafe. So this is Hamish.

A little bit older, a little bit slower, a little bit more achy. This is Hamish New Year for you. Yeah, this is. You're A little bit older, a little bit slower, a little bit more achy. This is Hamish New Year for you. Yeah, this is. You're going to dress up like a dragon and roam around the back of the stage for a bit? Yeah. Financial Hamish New Year.

Yeah. Does that work? Yeah, that works. That works. This is my final tax deduction, this beer. We thought we'd do you a favour and get on here because you're not doing radio anymore and you're just doing a podcast.

Yes. No, this is good to practise my technique yeah exactly exactly so you know any any struggling new podcast we feel like we should help out I mean we weren't good enough to make it to cousin Louis although we did sponsor the we check some big some stubby holes and so behold is yes official sponsor of study others which is just it's just great to get in like get a bronze. We're not obviously platinum sponsored. Yeah, yeah. The podcast. And very soon after you did that sponsorship, your radio show ended, so.

I mean, it was the podcast sponsoring, so it was a podcast of podcast. P2P. P2P. Relationship. Yeah, you got the Stubby Holders printed up. You emailed me to say that you left them at the reception of your work for me to come and get. So then I had to turn up to a radio station and say,

hi, I'm Tommy. I'm here to pick up the St up to a radio station and say, hi, I'm Tommy. I'm here to pick up the stubby holders. And I went, yeah, I'm never getting on air here. This is, let it go. That would be a nice little thrill for you to be in the building. I mean, we're all hiding behind the reception giggling. Mate, there's no free Justin Bieber tickets, mate. Make a wish.

Hey, Julie, when he comes in, tell him, oh, no, the drive show didn't turn up today. You have to do the show. And then put him through this door and we're just going to cream pie him in the face. I cut one down, I build one up. It's a very hot face you're're going to be cream-pying. I hope the stubby holders went well.

One thing that I do know... They didn't, they were a disaster, to be quite honest. They made the beer hotter. Well, it's a humid environment. Oh, that might have been it. Well, because we're doing it again this year, what new merch could we get? I am in charge of merch for our show.

Yes. Sort of season to season. Last year I, I've actually got some pretty good contacts with some people in China about merch. Andy hates it but we got 50,000 napkins which were a massive hit last year. The Hamish and Andy napkins went bananas. Great.

The ties didn't go well. Do you want ties? What kind of ties are you talking about? I mean, Costa Mo is not really... Yeah, like ripped ties. You know when they put two ripped ties together for terrorists when they're going to do a raid? Right.

That is... Can we get the sound any worse? Do we need to sit back, Webby? Or do we need to just not use microphones anymore? I could get you a little dum-dum gong so it sounds like this all the time. No, that's good. That's good.

What about little dum-dum... Oh, that's better. Like BBs? BB guns? No, no, BBs. That doesn't clear it up. The robot from Star Wars? No, the things you shoot from the BB gun.

Like also really small branded things. I always buy a BB gun when I go to Thailand. You can never bring them home, but it's $40 well spent. Like, even if it's just for eight days, it's a lot of fun to shoot your friends. This way, if we could somehow get branded BBs, you shoot passers-by, like, what the fuck was that? And they pick it up, if they're so inclined, and examine it, and there's, like, the URL.

They're very small. So once they get back to the lab and have a look under the microscope, they're like, yeah, I should listen to this. This sounds cool. Because that's what the Thai police do. They just examine all the evidence. They don't just put you in a jail to rot or anything like that. So, yeah, very thorough.

No matter what the crime, they're always looking at forensics. CSI Bangkok goes for about five seconds every week. It's just like, did you jaywalk? Bang, the end. But then the criminal reads the bullet and they're like, ah, Bangkok Police Department. Oh, I should use them. I've got some, we have some, maybe some advice

because we're experienced podcasters. We would love for your podcast to gain the experience of us and get to this level one day thank you I'll listen to this back I'll take notes yep so first of all I think most importantly make sure you get good guests no one is interested in the hosts ever so big time get under that we've only had one guest this year it was Mick Fanning so I mean when we got him on, though, Andy and I both were like, don't try and talk about surfing. We actually asked him how do you get into surfing. It was a bit of an awkward chat.

Where do you get your waves from? How do you come up with your boogie boards? I think we asked him for a free board. What's the best heckle you've ever gotten from a shark? How do you deal with... Punch still effective? He was great. But no, that for a free board. What's the best heckle you've ever gotten from a shark? How do you deal with it? Punch still effective? No, he was great. But no, that's a good tip.

That's a great tip. Really appreciate that. I mean, you've got some great guests on today. Yeah. Coming up after this, yeah. This is always start with a little bit of an icebreaker. Yeah, yeah. Roll them out.

Yeah, yeah. Look, you brought this up, but look, we thought, we do have a spare spot in the Coastal Million International Podcast Festival. It is very early in the dayal Millie International Podcast Festival. It is very early in the day. There's a spot at 10.30am. It is a little bit out of the... What's the venue? The main area.

What's the venue? Adelaide. BBs are illegal in Adelaide. All right, well, that's... We can work on it. TBC. TBC. How many shows are signed up for the festival?

Two. Two. Cool. Who else is coming? The Dollop. Oh, 1030 a.m. in Adelaide yeah that's right that's right um look now let's face brass tacks you run a podcast now you're not gonna have a lot of money coming in for a while. That's the reality. You're worried about making rent, obviously, now. That is the reality. I'm still in the hole for those napkins.

I bought 50,000 of them. Don't worry. After about five or six years of doing your podcast, there'll be a thing called Patreon that you can start making money off. Right. And that'll only take up five to six days of your week doing a free magazine and a bonus podcast. Yes, I'm familiar with it. $15, come around to your house, your week doing a free magazine and a bonus podcast.

Yes, I'm familiar with it. $15, come round to your house, dance like a monkey, give you a handjob. That's like all the member... You get it. All the member benefits. And I appreciate it. I mean, the dance was off, but the handjob was spot on. And $15 will be worth more in six years' time.

So you'll be being paid pretty adequately for the handjob. I really appreciate it. A team of them we do have in common, and I know surveys were handed out today today and I assumed that they'll they'll they'll come up later in the show we've got a similar thing on our podcast where people can like fill out because now like we were used to being a radio show if we just call in but you can't do that anymore so now we kind of have to like collect data on people and call them so we got a thing called like a lot like Cambridge Analytica and so

we can't be bothered coins we just sell the data are you and Andy working for Roy Morgan now but we've we had this like one obscure question we didn't think much of which was like do you have any special skills like and even when I filled it out like we wrote that one obscure question we didn't think much of, which was, do you have any special skills? And even when I filled it out, when I wrote that question, we were like, what would that be? I don't know, juggling or whatever. That question, we've had a couple of thousand people now

on the register. That question just seems to be the thing that people are obsessed about telling you their skill, even if it's a shit skill. Coming up on the podcast this week is someone going, you name a meal like tell me what you're ordering i'll tell you the price of that meal like that's my skill right right like you go two schnitzels a beer and a garlic bread i'll get it within a dollar but like all right one came i was reading them this morning because like i just read them for fun now someone wrote in someone wrote it like what's your special skill that's already I can make chipmunk esque sounds so

like not even a chipmunk Sam I just in the ballpark and like that's good enough to write on but we can too if we speed this podcast up by half and then people are so excited by their own skills. They're like, man, I can remember the cars people drive. And then you send it, it's uncanny. So it's like, yeah, Johnny, yeah, Marina, I remembered it. How does he do it? Is there anyone

pushing the boundary of special skill and just using it to confess to wild shit? Like, yeah, killed a guy. Not really a skill. Not really a skill, really a skill but at the time I felt crazy we like we started testing and the other thing we've been to realize is like people wildly overestimate their special skills so so I'm ready the other week they're like I can play mouth trumpet it's indistinguishable from real trumpet by the way Trump trumpets aren't that sought-after that yeah like you want we're like, all right, can you...

Yeah, so we put Andy in another room. He had a real trumpet. Then this girl's on the phone. Andy and the girl sort of polluted to go, we're going to do five bits of music here. Let's do five, yeah. Right, and you've got to... That's great because you have no idea what just happened.

I was like, good timing I guess no seriously let's do fine this is gonna be a good podcast but then you know so like all right this you know cuz we've been pumped up at this person's visual skill we're all waiting like me and Jackie does a podcast was we're in the studio waiting to sit through four very obvious bits of mouth trumpet and one clear piece of brass trumpet but it's great I can't wait to see what comes out of the surveys today because I already had a peek at a few of the answers in this and there's some top-shelf stuff there's some very very bad handwriting in this room as well yeah who'd have thunk that's it's funny very quickly I was doing some work for hard quiz the Tom Gleeson show and it's a show full of people that are saying they're experts at this and this

and this and they come in and do these auditions you know I fucking know everything and it's great because you get to see all the video footage and then someone comes in beats their chest and goes i know everything about batman and his alter ego clark kent you go oh you are fucked and and and he gets put in and then you have to write all these questions and you're sitting there for a week writing questions going he doesn't even know what his fucking secret identity is why am i writing these questions do you know i reckon it comes down to is because like i reckon we're all pretty similar like in and everyone in this room would be the same. In our friendship groups, never say you're great at something unless you're great at it. I blame these people's friends.

It's the easiest thing to hang shit on someone for if they go, I'm great at something. I'm like, who told you you were good at this? Don't do it. For the love of God, don't do it. You're right, we are great at podcasting anyway. No, but in that show, the worst thing, we are great at podcasting anyway. Yeah. No, but in that show, like, the worst thing is is people are so desperate to be on TV that they go,

all right, my subject is Batman. And they go, we've already got someone with Batman. How about tambourines? And they go, okay. Pretty sure there's one in the Batman theme song. Let's do it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So they're not desperate to get on.

And they just go, okay, I guess I can figure out about tambourines in the next three days or so. And then they go on and it's like, what is this? Rattle, rattle, rattle. I don't know. Some sort of cymbal mini bongo. Yeah, close. All right, let's get our next...

Contestant, let's get this. Yes, contestant number two, please welcome back into the little dum-dum club, Dillarook Jai Singer. Yeah! Welcome back into the little Dum Dum Club, Dilarook Jai Singha! Whoa! The champ! Glad that you've finally come out of your shell for the first time. Nice.

It's so brave of you to get up here, what, with cancer and everything. There it is. There it is. Dil and I were talking at the back, for people that are just listening to this, obviously on their commute or in their private jet. We know the audience. 70% of Dilruk Jarsingh has just joined us on stage he's a new man and I for one congratulate him what you saying the rest of us are going what a car I do

like there for people at home you have walked on with one of our new t-shirts on yes every time we make a t-shirt you come on and go look if I get grab one of your t-shirts on. Yes. Every time we make a t-shirt, you come on and go, look, if I grab one of your t-shirts for free, I can do this thing. You just collect all of our t-shirts for free. Yeah. It's a great business model. You should try it. Yeah, we've got to get on the Target podcast

so we can get some of their clothes for free. So you are wearing a what size t-shirt? L. L? Exactly. The lady killer. So you are wearing a what size t-shirt? L. L? For Lady Killer. Really? Well, check the label.

Yeah, and it actually probably is L for lanky. Let me look. Or lankan. Lankan. Lanky, lankan. He's back. Now, how bad is everyone feeling here? People have got XL t-shirts on at the moment.

Yeah, yeah, it is. Can I ask a question, Dil? Please. Doth I spy a skinny jean? No, they were just huge jeans that looked skinny. Oh, they've got bulldog clips on the back. That's why he came on facing the front and distracting you guys with all the middle fingers and stuff Yeah, it's like in The Biggest Loser where they hold the skin back with like bull clips You know they do that? Yeah, they do. Yeah, so because they have so much loose skin like I do I have more loose skin than

Are you like one of those sugar gliders now or? Nah, it's all muscle, mate. I've just got a lot of foreskins everywhere. Yeah, I look like a Jewish maternity ward. What? I don't think they throw... Are we insinuating they just chuck them on the floor? It's hard to walk around there without squishing one down.

And also, it doesn't happen on delivery. Is this jerky? Kosher jerky. You should never eat floor jerky, just in case. The maternity ward, they just pull the baby out and go, slap, snip. Hard to know what was making it cry. Could have been either one of them.

I think its penis was suffocating. Let's give it a bit of air. Stat. But no, I've no i gotta say you're looking uh thank you are you in that crossover period because i've had friends i myself weighed 100 plus um at one stage in my life i went bungee jumping with andy and a few mates andy mcdowell wow Wow. Glad I asked. Wow. So we were researching a film together we never made. And we're like, look, if we're going to become best friends, Andy, we've got to go.

We've got to do something that scares us. And so she and I went jumping. And another mate of ours, Haydo. Hang on, Haydo who? Hayden Panettiere. Save the cheerleader, save the world. So just a couple of gals having a bee jump. And it was quite fun and we were all bonding a lot and we're all very, very similar.

But when you check in, this was in New Zealand, and you check in on the bungee jumping, you go to the desk and you sign in. And they're like, all right, mate. And I put, like, what order you're jumping on your hand. And, like, with a texter. And then you go and line up because a few people are doing it. And I was looking at the girls.

I was like, hang on, man. I was like, how come you're 91st to jump? And, like, you're 71. I'm like, I'm not jumping to, like, 107. Like, we're going to be hanging around all day. You didn't realize you were fat realize you didn't realize we were standing on a scale when we checked in it's like a truck scale in the floor and they don't tell you they're weighing you as they check you big boy you're a fat you're a

fucking stupid you there's only three other people there the worst thing is the brains not weighing much in out of that total as well these three other people are going 34 times each and then I get my go yes yes obese people are at a higher risk of stroke I was having many little strokes but yes that's when I realized all right you're a dollar seven let's let's do something about this what did you do to lose get on 100 well I mean the budget you called snapped and as I was being scraped up and I like innards were falling out I was like just leave a bit on the rocks we're gonna now with the old Bushman's lipo it was a fortunate cut mostly flesh and fat so for me for people who don't know me and Ben Lomas front of the show doing a bet where we I think we spoke about it on the podcast yes how we both are 120 kilos first to get under 100 quick to catch you up

if you haven't heard the latest episode he was a 106 i was 104 and then two weeks later he got down to 99.8 so he lost like six kilos in two weeks and then i cut his leg off no he he sold his child that was attached to him and um he just took off the papoose yeah but he was 99.8 and i came in at 94.1 oh which is not a fun one how long two weeks in two weeks 10 kilos yeah i would say about two or three kilos would have been water weight but still it's crazy now one of the we go into detail of how i did it that's all boring but one of the main things i've been doing is i've been running around uh carlton gardens near the imax and stuff and there's a fairly sweet homeless man named David that I chat to once in a while. David who?

Beckham. Wow. I can't believe this keeps paying off. I can't believe we booked such name droppers. It's a pretty big celeb podcast. And, you know, I'm not making this literally today when I was about to go for a run. I was just having coffee, sitting down, and he walked fast for a change. And I was like, oh, it's world reversal.

And you're like, mate, I don't want to talk to you now. I only pretend to talk to you because I'm stopping to catch my breath. It doesn't work this way around. And David goes, man, you've got to get around it. It's good. I can see. I can notice you're losing weight. I'm like, oh, thanks, man. It's a bit about 20 kilos. And he goes, oh, you've got to get it right. It's good. I can see. I can notice you're losing weight. I'm like, oh, thanks, man.

It's a bit about 20 kilos. And he goes, oh, that's good. I was about your size as well, but, you know, I've just managed to keep it off. And I said, what did you do? And he said, I'm not making this up. He's literal words. Well, he just sheds off when you live on the street for a year.

That's so harsh. This guy's your friend. Yeah. You're like the girl who gets, like, hot and skinny over the school holidays and then comes back on the street for a year. That's so harsh. This guy's your friend. Yeah. You're like the girl who gets like hot and skinny over the school holidays and then comes back and is like really mean to like all her... I've hit puberty and I've got... Yeah, all her nerd friends call Tommy.

Anyway, hypothetically... But he said, yeah, that's a good way to... Apparently he doesn't have diabetes anymore. He loves it. His words, not mine. His words, not mine. You're going to hit this stage, and this was the same before, I've got a few friends who have gone to this stage where you're gonna hit this stage and I'd like this or something I got a few friends have gone to stage where you're in the

old wardrobe with the body yeah I made fun of my jackets because of it it does look like I'm wearing jazz dance jackets because they all loosen yeah we're experience look yeah so living on the street you lose weight really quickly it should be like instead of the biggest loser the biggest issue wondering why you'd been quiet for a couple minutes people people listening to the podcast wouldn't be aware that car walked off is right he started doing like good will hunting but yeah I was like, there is a joke here. I will find it. I went down to an open mic. It went all right. I come back. I wonder if the beeps and boops from the supercomputer are picked up on the mics.

Well, we got there. Should we get our third guest out here? Sure, but let's get him out here. But we still need to probe more into this dramatic and unhealthy weight loss that's happened here bring on yes bring them all on all right please welcome back into little dumb dumb Club Brett Blake g'day legends how are we pretty pretty exciting two blakes on the podcast uh one of them good looking and highly successful and the other one was on the bloody radio hey i'm out of here shut up fat ass

i was like i borrowed 50 bucks i was at the back actually looking at your flyers and just having a fucking boner yeah i get it because rock I get it. Rock hard, dude. Get that hog pumping. There's a quote from The Australian going, you know, like, Blake is flawless or something like that and I just covered up your face and just enjoyed a little moment of it. Having a little quote from The Australian. You know what? If we could somehow Photoshop a mullet onto you,

it's not that far apart. There's a family resemblance. You've rocked a mullet in the past. All Blakes certainly have. I proposed to my wife with a mullet. She said it's not that far apart there's a family resemblance certainly have proposed to my wife with a mullet true lady there you'll take me with a mullet you shall take me anyway you wish you need to buy a new t-shirt Shakespeare you need let's get that new t-shirt out take me anywhere you wish madam Brett Blake

Brett Blake yeah man now we've been hearing that you've been in some some legal difficulties

let's say look guys some people look at the movie The Castle and have a laugh whereas I look at that and go

that's fucking inspiration. That's law school. That's law school for me, dude. Well, my actual lawyer's here tonight, so that's good. Fuck, hang on, hang on. Your lawyer's got a baseball hat on backwards. Yeah, dude. Do you think I'd have fucking hired a nerd?

And he's wearing a T-shirt from Greenbird in Koh Samui. Case dismissed. head on backwards. Yeah, dude. Do you think I'd have fucking hired a nerd? And he's wearing a t-shirt from Greenbird in Koh Samui. Case dismissed. You're a fuckhead. He's like the lawyer from Silicon Valley. It's Lionel Hutz's son. For us, it was easy

to pick the lawyer because it was the one guy that just closed his eyes and shook his head. The worst part is every time he comes to a dumb, dumb thing, I always hit him up for legal advice.

He's like, dude, just stop being a fuckwit. I'm like, anyway, this is my latest note. I was in court two weeks ago. Now, you've been to court. I know it's weird to look at you and think this, but you've been to court a lot. And surprise, surprise, I represent myself.

No one's shocked. Anyway... There's no middle ground with representing yourself. You either look like that or you're a lawyer, isn't it? court a lot and surprise surprise I represent myself no one shocked anyway there's no middle ground with representing yourself you either look like that or you're a lawyer but yeah that's a general vibe there do you ever walk into court and they go no dog the bounty hunter you gotta chase people what are you doing in here you're meant to catch him out there. Yeah, that one hurt. Anyway. Put the sunnies on.

You're out of the family. Get out of the blokes. Second time I've heard that this week. What are you going to court for? Well, I'm sick of paying fines. Like, I'm fucking over it. Well, you know what? Stop breaking the fucking law then.

We're all sick of paying fines, dude your is this your like opening argument to the judge if it's a crime to not pay fines then sue me we are suing you that's fine judges love me when i get it's nothing like real bad like i didn't fight anyone or anything like that but um but like it's always like it's like red light cameras or like like the last the last one was jaywalking. I'm a fucking adult. If I want to cross the road, I'll cross the road, you know? I don't need a green man to tell me to do it. Running over Hamish and Andy in your car.

Again, I hope this is a direct transcript from the stenographer. Dude, I'm reading off a piece of paper as we speak. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You can read? All right. That's the biggest bombshell on the podcast so far. How funny is old skinny boy over here also? No carbs, all laughs. Shredding weight and shredding me.

Anyway. Can we get you hit right? How many times have you been to court? How many times have you won the case? Six. Shit. First you're mocking me. times you've been to court how many times you've won six oh first you're mocking me now you want my advice yes come at me dude oh perry perry bogan but the last one the last one was a jaywalking one and every time i go up there the judge just gives me a look going like this will be good do you get like a loyalty card that they stand for yeah dude it's just like subway how do you dress like a loyalty card that they stamp on the ring? Yeah, dude.

It's just like Subway. Do you dress like this when you go to court? Nah, I throw them off. Huh? I wear a suit. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And do you tuck the mullet in or what do you do?

Nah, I get it popping, you know? I get it popping. I got my big WT shirt on. Sick. Man, judges are legends, dude. Like, everyone like... t-shirt on sick now I'm gonna make judge you to legends dude like everyone like there's so many idiots go in there on one of them right but everyone's like oh yes yeah whatever I didn't realize I like man this happened I'm a pop I'm

sorry but come on dude it's the good. So what have you been up against? Jaywalking? Yeah, give us your rap sheet. Jaywalking, two parking fines, going through a red light in a truck. That's right, I'm a man. Anyway. Oh, so you're doing more damage to the innocent civilians. Yeah, and it was also filled full of like 3,000 litres of diesel,

so I'd fuck the environment as well. I couldn't stop. Anyway, the clutch was fucked. I couldn't stop. Anyway, the clutch was fucked. Was that your argument? Like, it would have been unsafe to stop? I said to him,

I said, man, there's three options. Either, like with an emergency to stop, you can either, in that particular model,

you can either poleax yourself by smashing the first which would have knocked me into the front window, knock out, or I said,

or, I would have gone with that. For you. Or I could sacrifice the vehicle which is either like hitting into something but it's a generator

which has a thousand litres of diesel and an active charge judge is a dickhead right because you can't fucking ignite diesel with a

anyway it doesn't matter he's like oh yeah that makes sense he's like you fucking idiot you've never tried to pedal bomb someone before have you anyway

now I'm going to represent the prosecution for two wins today. You could do an Aussie version of Legally Blind. Yes. Legally Blind. And then the last one was jaywalking and then there was one other one. Did you have the same defence?

He doesn't even remember what it was. No, because one of them, they tried to have a discussion with me beforehand because they didn't want to go in there because they have to pay legal bills. Because they know. Mate, dude, word got around. I showed them my voucher cards, like six from six, brother. You want to hit this? One more and I get a judge's wig.

I'm four away from one of those hammers. Can you represent him now? I messaged him last night when I was pissed off my rock art. I said to him, I was like, hey, mate, just so you know, you finally got the call-up. You're in the big leagues now, dude. Someone drunkenly got on my motorbike, not me for once. And it was stationary. Wait, wait, what?

Two nights ago, someone got on my 1987 GB Classic Racer, anyway. Seven years away from being vintage. Anyway, it's a very beautiful bit of machinery. And they thought, someone jumped on the boy right originally was two guys arm wrestling on the boy which I respect right which is sick right but I wasn't there right this is all I don't think I live in this I don't think I live in the same part of Australia you live in it was just down there it's just on the same road right and then so I wasn't arm wrestling I

watched the security footage was two people were arm wrestling on my motor bike like this is fucking sick you didn't know these people not enough as a flat surface I understand it was a rioting at this time or now they went right anyway speaking of keys car Carl, where are yours? Anyway. Classic back pocket joke. Anyway. Right. No.

Hey, Carl, just by the way, you're trying to cross-examine one of Australia's best lawyers. Tread carefully, bro. Sorry if I confuse you with my legal... Anyway. I've never heard anyone mispronounce mumbo jumbo give me to read it off a piece of paper we'll have a laugh anyway don't worry that's coming up

alright but anyway so I'm resting on the back of my bike right and then go on no more questions your honour thank you I'm a barrister have a bit of respect wait is a barrister the big one you're an embarrassment that's another question to lawyer and another close head shake from the law no that

whatever that's a barista the coffee king anyway right and then all the sudden my mate will pass it goes mate stop wrestling arm wrestling on my's motorbike and this drunk chick just goes oh it's all right it'll be sick and then she just jumped on the bike and then pole laxed herself off it right which is some consolation to me um right and then just put like seven dents all along the side of it and then i was like message i was like man like dude you're gonna have to pay for it it's pretty expensive like it's gonna be like a grand or something she dude, you're going to have to pay for it. It's pretty expensive. Like, it's going to be, like, a grand or something. She's like, well, I'll send it to my lawyer. I was like, oh, thank you. Dude, because you were speaking to my lawyer.

Fucking me. And she didn't believe me, but still. I'll see her in court as well. High court date? Pardon? Going to the high court? Mate, where are we going? You made the reservation. I'll just fucking turn up how does it work

Luke Luke's it looks it looks it looks it looks it looks it looks it looks it looks it looks it looks it looks it looks it looks it looks it looks it looks just call him Johnny Walker Cochran all right the well it's looking like you're saying cowabunga but yeah Luke comes to a lot of gigs and every time I say I was like man you just gotta give me one of your letterheads from your lawyer you're looking at a man that spent six difficult years at university like just wince and see his career evaporate. Also, how embarrassing were you? You went six years learning some shit and I just fucking flogged it.

Two minutes away. Hey, man. It's a fucking boy to me. He's like, yeah, man. Is it possible to get... Said Brett as he like fixed his ulcer, like to the doctor. Yeah, fuck this. Is it possible to get dis Said Brett as he, like, fixed his ulcer, like, to the doctor. Yeah, fuck this. Is it possible to get this barred just from being in the audience or something?

I'm just throwing sharkers at the judge. He's like, yeah, get out of here, you scallywag. Go on. God bless Australia that we still have the scallywag defence. Because they don't in Russia. What was your hardest case? Did you ever think you were going to lose one? Man, when I think back over all the journey...

Take us through the parking fine ones. Well, the parking fine one... Oh, by the way, did the defence for the Jay Walk case... I just wanted to fucking do it. Did that work? How does that work? That one was a bad one. I don't think I'll get away with that one.

Oh, here we go. Here's a bit of meat on this one. We had a common thread that we both enjoyed. He goes, he was annoyed, because if you haven't been to court before, right, there's a lot of spanners in there, right? There's not a... Yeah, that's weird. It's a few people wearing Mambo shorts, you know what I mean? Like, there's a lot of them, right?

And then I come in there, big words, they get confused. Anyway... Big words! Mumbo Jumbo. Yeah, Mumbo Jumbo, bit of Mumbo Jumbo going on there. they get confused anyway yeah the parking one he goes oh you know we didn't say dickheads he said you know a better word than that but um yeah that's one because you ain't one of those people on the phone when you cross the thing I like man if you're on the phone when you cross the road you're an idiot you can hit by the two-ton like you die and he's like by something going a thousand liters of diesel which was me three weeks earlier anyway

i don't know if you take him if i can cite another case don't look back at the history the people versus blakey so essentially like we bonded on other people being dumb cunts and he's like you know what case to be honest he said oh that's a 76 i don't know what i'll ask you about what that means and i went i just assumed i won and i left so oh yeah classic 76 yeah so in reality there might be six warrants for your arrest you're on the lamb right now you just keep hearing 76 i it again. Well, if that is a 76, there must be a 69. There must be a 69. It's probably bad when lawyers keep following you around to gigs.

There's probably some more business to take care of. Yeah, man, they're taking notes as we speak, mate. These are chargeable hours for him now. You owe him for this consultation. You owe me, brother. You should have even checked that it was just like... You're Johnny Crocker and this is OJ. He made your career. Now, fuck a Gadakian. now fucking get that kid I see I don't know the reference so I shouldn't have added it I just knew someone in that case bang to Kadesh anyway that's good in fact even I was saying I

was like I'm 50% but I'm going with some 90s legal shit. But was that confidence? We felt like the judge. We just went with it. Oh, okay. Blakey said it. It must be true. 76. 76. Well, man, that's the problem.

A lot of those guys don't know about mechanics and logistics of vehicles. And they see me in there with a mullet and they go, this guy can reverse a trailer. You know what I mean? Wig it. Wig it. Wig it. Starts with diesel, generators.

Don't want to touch it. See you later, nerd. I'm out of here. We're going to somehow let him off jaywalking. He looks like a mechanic. I salute it. That was a different one. What was the outcome of jaywalking?

Like, how did you talk your way out of it? 76. No phone. He didn't sit there. Everyone else is straight. Are you sure it's not like the bungee jumping and that's just your weight? Like, that's not even the sentence. Or your IQ.

They're weighing you for the gallows. I'm actually quite smart, Dio. I've won a lot of legal cases, all right? You're the Forrest Gump of legal cases. Is that a compliment? I'll get back to you. It's not bad. He's got two Oscars.

You've lived the character of Forrest Gump. Well, sorry. I'm actually super happy you're here, Hamish, because I auditioned for Hamish and Andy's True Stories. Not True Stories, True Stories. True Stories. That's probably where it went wrong. That's why I didn't give it to you. That's why you had to give it to Rob still.

Didn't get a call back, so just wondering what was going on there. Yeah, no. Now I know how Tommy and Carl feel. Still tossing it up. Still thinking about it. How is pre-production going? Yeah, I mean, we have wrapped, but there's always a chance.

There's always a chance. I hope there was an ironclad release form. 20 bucks if you can guess which character I was auditioning for. No worries. Let me just have a quick drink. Drama captain, correct. No, look, I was fighting bloody hard for you in there, mate. He's my bloody cousin.

There's going to be a legal shitstorm if we don't cast him. This guy's going to come down with us with the full force of the Australian Commonwealth law. bloody cousin you guys there's gonna be a legal shitstorm if we don't cast it it's gonna come down with us with the full force of the Australian Commonwealth law he'll find a way this defamation or something yeah and channel 9 are lowering up as we speak so we got case number seven you went for an audition for the show and didn't get a call back so now you know how tommy and carl feel no you don't because you had the fucking audition so yeah what's it like well i normally get the job so it's pretty good uh maxi bomb thank you boys um even being in the running to not get the job what's that like look it's a different world dude um no but i was i was auditioning for a truck driver. No surprise there.

And then I maybe had a few beers before the audition the night before. Oh, getting in character. Yeah. And then getting into character. Getting fully lawyered up. I went in there and I was getting lawyered up. They give you like a whole, heaps of pages of shit, right? Yeah, it's called a script. It's called a it's called script yeah there are real people that write that try very hard there's heaps of stuff going on there and you're like this is the bit that we saw on the table like all right sorry we've interrupted your hangover get to the bit where you do the audition.

There was like seven pages. I was like, mate. A whole book. Well, it's big text. A jumbo pamphlet. There was a lot going on there. And I was like, I only learnt one of the pages. I was like, mate, once I get that one page right, boom. And I was like, also, one of the requirements was like,

you have to have a truck licence. I was like, none of these fucking actors have a truck licence. I'm a shoo-in. Anyway. You said you have to had a had to have a truck license I was like well he's fucking actors have a truck license of a shoe in anyway yeah right and then I read it to a shoe II I to do a shoe that would have been sick I would have got the job right and then I just read the first paid loot loosely and then I was always riffing I was riffing so I was riffing Hamish why didn't you get the part I don't know well do you want you to I'm someone that was cast successfully did a great job by the way I I don't know. Well, why don't you tell me someone that was cast, successfully did a great job, by the way. Oh, that hurts. I just don't have any,

I've never had to audition for anything. I just get the role. I was going to say bread roll, but it doesn't work anymore. Fuck. Fuck. Season three ready. I don't want to burn you on a small character.

I want you to be... It was actually a leading role, but thank you. Damn it. No, I want you to be on a small character. I want you to be... It was actually a leading role, but thank you. Damn it. No, I want you to be one of the hosts. We're going to add another chair. Two people can't listen to a story. We need three. I'm actually taking this as a legally binding contract.

And I will hold you to this. My lawyer is here. No, he's not. He's tunnelled out. Correct decision. Your lawyer is saying that he's legally tubular. Fuck, you're getting fired on Monday, cunt, aren't you? Don't worry, they can call me, I'll replace you. Get a bit of smarts in there.

Should we do the thing that we prepared for Blakey? Yeah, okay. Okay, so because we want you to be... You're getting too complacent with this court stuff. We want you to be ready for it. So we've prepared kind of like a mock closing statement for you. Don't give him words. It's one page long. There's so many words in there. long hey if i could just tell you someone that's given him words before

so just read this be prepared for a long and sloppy affair read this phone book out and this is gonna this is gonna help you practice for your big day he's actually sweating this is like people this is legitimately my worst nightmare is reading off a piece of paper in public. Yeah, we know. Wait, you haven't fucked any of these words yet, have you? No, no, no. Because I can fuck them myself. All right. I, Brett Blake... All right, the tough one's out of the way.

Dude, you always open strong. Let the people know who you are. Start with the brand name. Got to get it out there, dude. I'm glad one Blake's doing something good with his life. Shout out to Quinton Blake. World famous. Big ups.

Still helping out his mate, Rold. I asked you if you're going to make the text bigger. Anyway. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You did text me that and then I made it smaller. I can see through the page here and we've had three words so far and it's taken two minutes. You can't keep talking, all right?

Let me do it, all right? When I'm in the courtroom, I get a bit of respect, a bit of hush, all right? The big dogs here, they all tilt their wigs. They're all good, you know? Objection, objection. That's them pulling their wigs down over their eyes so they can have a little nap. Yeah, because they used to be crushing all the time.

Anyway, all right. I, Brett Blake of number 69, Bogan Street, Boganville. Hurtful. Stand before you today wearing my finest singlets that I got in Bali that says I love blowjobs. It's funny because I actually do own one of those. You've been to my house before, Carl.

Good to see you. To let you know about all the shit that I have going on. Like the t-shirt. Yeah. Anyway. Not that one. Well, after I look... You can't tell the difference. Like the t-shirt. Yeah. Anyway. Not that one. After I look... I remember the difference.

Guys, can you not break my concentration? This is very hard for me. I asked the courts mercy. Fuck, why are you acting big words at this? They're all one syllable. I was like, I've got to count one over five. Alright, we can all count, mate. Can we?

Can we, though? I mean, they are all up sub ten on Scrabble. Who plays fucking Scrabble? Fuck, you're a loser. Anyway. I'm going to say

as the judge in this case, I'm beginning to get a little antsy with this. Who plays Scrabble? Fuck, you're a loser. Nah, you're a good guy. I'll show you a beer. 76 it.

Another 76. Anyway. I asked the court's mercy when handing out a punishment for my recent crime of stealing a slab of emu export from Thirsty Camel. They don't sell it here, so that's... Anyway, that's...

Is this a sponsored sketch? No, I'm just a piece of shit and people know it. All right. People are drinking less emu bitter after this, so yeah. It's emu export and emu bitter is a different beer. Thank you. Sorry, your honor. Legal mumbo jumbo again.

Dying guys with my big words. As the court has heard, I'm extremely dyslexic why do they make dyslexia such a hard word to say as well it's fucking ridiculous add some more P's and B's in there

you fucking idiots there's literally not a single P of being dyslexic if you did add it in there it'd make it harder put some more in there put more

there's not enough Q's alright let's call dyslexia peanut butter from now on. I don't want to say it, but that's a plus ten word on Scrapbook. I'm poking the bear. You're provoking me. Anyway, I didn't even realise I was stealing a new export.

I thought it was a much better beer. I would never say that. You just did. You just perjured yourself. I'm right. I'm right, aren't I? He's hating it. You're very confident for a man who wears Lycra and wears...

Oh, fuck the word. Anyway, it wasn't even on the piece of paper. I'm getting through this, all right? This is my Everest. This is good. We're at camp two. We're at camp two. paper. I'm getting through this, all right? This is my Everest. This is good. We're at camp two. We're at camp two. Dude, I'm at the airport.

I'm at Kathmandu buying a postcard for everyone. I can't wait to climb it. All right. Better beer from a much better state. Coward move to make me read that out. Anyway, I also thought that the thirsty camel sign said free beer come and have come in and take some that's not funny because you wrote that anyway it's not funny because you can't read it no that's why it's funny because i can't read it

um i would also ask that the statements of my character witness Carl and Tommy from the little dum-dum club would be streckens from the record strickens James is it striking or stricken your honor your majesty dude it's very regal you don't't know. You've never been here. He's been to a food court. Still works. Still works. Still works. Because it's historical. That's a good one.

Is that legally admissible, by the way, that joke? Sorry, I'm paying for his time. So don't ask him questions. Sorry, Councillor Donatello. Sorry. It's funny because he's got a green shirt for anyone at home. It is absolutely untrue

that I enjoy ruining dogs. Always good to chuck that in. Always good to chuck that in. Can you stick to the script, please? Thank you, Carl. And I have no idea why my mates...

Was I supposed to do that thing? Yeah, good. Sure. ...would think this is a good idea to say this to a jury. I've never been in front of a jury, by the way. Anyway, never got that far. Anyway, so yes, I stole a slab of sweet, delicious nectar. And yes, that's a crime.

Never admit guilt. Anyway... LAUGHTER So glad we got the foot... What a fucking idiot. So glad we got the footnotes on this thing. Really good. Where am I? Nectar. And yes, that's a crime.

But let's be real. There are way worse crimes out there. Like, I'd like to draw the jury's attention to a little thing called Rat Dad. I'd like to draw the jury's attention to a little thing called Rat Dad. And so, in closing, I, Brett Blake, a dyslexic bogan, would like to leave you with the following remarks. You fucking cunt. You fucked these words again, didn't you?

What? Is that my eyes or you? Just read what's there. I'm never smart and start a good. I'm never smart and... I'm not smart... No, it's fine. It's fine. Just read it properly.

Just read the words. That checks out. I never am at start... No, you're fucking with me, aren't you? Are you guys... This is horrible. That's out. I never am at start. No, you're fucking with me, aren't you? Are you guys cunts? This is horrible. That's horrible. Hey, he kicked it straight to the lawyer.

Run your fucking eyes over that, mate. We'll sue these cunts next. Exhibit A. That last one's fucked though, isn't it? They fucked me, haven't they? No up no that's latin i mean that's that's just legal stuff we got is this is this recording we can we can did you google did you google words that will fuck up a dyslexic because it was like i and am at start of good or something like that yeah yeah well yes when people found out what we'll fuck it no no we just wrote from the heart yeah so it's a natural it's a natural talent the funny part

yes right for a lot of comics they just thought of a whole red blanket right yeah when last I call like thought it'd be funny like everyone roasted me about being dyslexic right and then everyone jumped on the bandwagon started black confusing peas's with B's on like group chats and it just made it so much easier for me I was like dude is this even a roast are you just helping this is sick I finally get it uh all right folks we have to wrap up this episode of little dum-dum club before I do I do uh Kyle and I were talking about this I should make this announcement. So with your weight contest that you started on this show. Yes, correct.

I announced on the show with Limo. With Ben Lomas. Yeah. And the winner was for $1,000, which Ben handed me the cash the other day. And I was thinking, what am I going to do with that money? And I've decided that he's going to sponsor my trip to Koh Samui. So

thank you to the Lomas family. Hang on. That means the festival doesn't have a sponsor but you do. So Lomas and his family can't go on holiday this year but I'll be there with you do. I have a sponsor. So Lomas and his family can't go on holiday this year but I'll be there

with you guys. They're going to Castlemaine and you're going to Asia. Nice. Thanks to your sponsor Ben Comedy. Nice.

Alright, we've got to wrap this up for another week. Give a big round of applause Brett Blake. Thank you. The Honourable. General Jai Singer.

Hamish Blake. Thanks very much for listeningourable. The Honourable. Gerald Jai Singer. Hamish Blake. Thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next time. See you next time. And for I don't know how many weeks in a row they've done it again. I was just thinking that. There's got to be. I mean, look, not to be negative, but honestly, we must be due a week where we don't do it again.

I keep thinking maybe this is the week, and it never is. I'll let you know. You'll let me know? When we don't do it again, I'll let you know. I'll give you my thoughts. I think the last time you would think that we haven't done it again was perhaps the Los Angeles episode. Yeah.

And since then, it's been a real streak. Yeah, yeah. That was an episode. If there was Talking Dumb Dumb back then, it's been a real hot streak. Yeah. Yeah. That was an episode. If there was Talking Dumb Dumb back then, I would have said they have- There was, wasn't there? I don't know. There was. I don't know if we badged it.

It wasn't branded. Yeah, yeah. It wasn't branded. We didn't badge it like that. I would have come off the back of that and gone, well, they didn't do anything this week. It's like that thing of like- They didn't do anything this week for the first time in a long time. It's like that old cartoon trope of like, you know,

28 days without an accident, you know, and you'd have to pull the number off and then we'd be back to zero. Zero days since they did it again. Yes. No, we have done it again. With great, great help from our guests, Hamish Blake, funniest man in Australia. Yes.

Hands down. Yes. All woman. Yep. Yes. Hands down. Yes. All woman. Yep. Yep. And Brett Blake, wow, took over the episode. Really did. Dill was there, I think, somewhere.

Yes. Yep. But Blakey, just what the fuck that was funny. And the people love him. Yeah. The people love Blakey. Yeah. A real recent breakout star of the Little Dumb Dumb Club.

Him and Cap are our breakout. They would get our breakout trophy in the last 12 months, surely. Yes, yes. Yeah, yeah. Yes, so that's good stuff. Hopefully people enjoyed that. They did. Of course they did.

If you didn't, you're an idiot. Fair to say. Stop listening. Why would you listen to our show anymore if you didn't like that one? Yeah, good point. Yeah. This will really weed them out. If you listen to that, if this to our show anymore If you didn't like that one Yeah good point Yeah This will really weed them out If you listen to that If this was your first one

And you didn't like it And you think Oh give them another chance You know what Don't Don't bother giving us another chance We don't need it Come to

You know Give us one more chance Go to Sydney for the live show Yes Before we move on Before I forget Should we check in on Talking Coppola Anything to add about Talking Coppola?

Anything to add about the Coppola family? Do we have any updates? This is from last week when we talked about a listener that contributed to the Patreon episode and her last name was Coppola. She did pop up in our Facebook group this week and just said, if you're going to do another edition of Talking Coppola, I'm free. Okay, she wants to be in it. She wants to be in it. Well, I think we sort of agreed that it should be about the Coppola family, the filmmaking

Coppola family, specifically. Yeah, it's Talking Coppola. It's not Talking to Coppola. Yes, exactly. And who knows? Maybe at some point that will become a spinoff segment. And who knows, maybe at some point that will become a spin-off segment. But for now, I mean, we're just having fun talking about Roman, Sophia, Francis Ford.

Not strictly, this is pushing the bounds of Talking Coppola in only its second episode. But in regards to Bill Murray, who's Coppola adjacent. Yes. I went and saw Isle of Dogs, which he's in. Okay. And he's great in it. All right. Great. Well, that wraps up another edition of Talking Coppola. Yes. I went and saw Isle of Dogs, which he's in. Okay. And he's great in it. All right. Great.

Well, that wraps up another edition of Talking Coppola. Fantastic. Fantastic. Better than last week, I think. You don't have any more questions about me going to Isle of Dogs? No. No? None? You went to a movie.

I went to a movie. Why would I care about that? Well, I mean, sample question I would ask someone if they told me they'd been to a movie. Go on. Who'd you go with? Oh, okay. That's good. Well, this is a good reason why you should be in charge of that show

rather than me because now that I'm hearing it, that's a good question. Yeah. Who'd you go with? Oh, that's an interesting question. I actually – funny you bring it up because I went with Dilruch Jones, the one-year-old baby who lives next door to me. Wow. Well, that takes care of a question I had later on.

Yeah. I mean, I wanted to see it because I'm a big Wes Anderson fan. Bill Murray's in it. Bryan Cranston's in it. But you brought your one-year-old, your neighbour. My neighbour, a one-year-old baby. Yeah. Look, and I keep having problems with this, but a one-year-old baby.

Okay, I'm going to have to go with it this week because I feel like I'm just fighting against the inevitable. But okay, the one-year-old baby. You're already'm going to have to go with it this week because I feel like I'm just fighting against the inevitable. But okay, the one-year-old baby. You're already suspending your disbelief such a great deal. It's crazy that you can't just go this one little extra mile. I know. And I'm really looking forward to, you know, if we keep continuing to talk about your neighbour in a year's time,

whether it's going to be a two-year-old baby or whether this is going to be some sort of Bart Simpson thing where it continues to be a one-year-old baby. But, yeah. Totally. And there's a lot of time to work that out, which is great. So, Dilruch Jones, you took him to the movies, you took a baby to the movies.

I took a one-year-old baby to the movies. Sorry, a one-year-old baby. Perfect. Sorry. From something that last week. Where are my manners? From something that last week I had forgotten even existed. I'm now all the way in with extreme vigour.

And especially since last week you told me that you'd never seen Dilrick Jones, the one-year-old baby's face. Yes. And now you've taken it to the movies. Well, I still didn't because he had one of those huge tubs of popcorn. Oh, right. So his face was obscured by that. So did he dig holes in the box of popcorn?

Yes. Except he put his eyes through it. Yes, exactly. Right, okay. I thought I was getting some popcorn. Instead, I was just squeezing some delicious baby eyeballs. Right. Okay.

But it was kind of, you know, the perfect thing to go to because I, you know, long time Wes Anderson fan, love Bill Murray, love Bryan Cranston. Yep. And he gets a, you know, it's a little animated movie about dogs. So it really, if anyone's listening, if you have a, if you happen to live next door to a one-year-old baby and you're looking for an activity that the two of you can do together, I think Isle of Dogs is like really the perfect thing. Date night.

Well. Date night for you two. Hey, you know, I don't want to, I don't, I don't want to make it weird. Not a romantic date night. I don't want to make it weird. It's a perfectly normal situation at the moment. Yeah. Why make this weird? Yeah. That's, yeah. It's, you're allowed to take a baby to a movie without being labelled. Sure. Totally. Yeah. Yeah. You're allowed to take a baby to a movie without being labelled?

Sure. Totally. Yeah. Okay. So that's what Dilroy Jones has been up to. First time at the cinema maybe? His first time at the cinema, yeah. He enjoyed it a great deal.

Did you go on like – what do they have like in the morning? You know when you can go to the movies in the morning? Oh, the mums and bubs session. Yeah, yeah. The crybaby session. The crybaby session. Yeah. You went to that?

I did go to that, yeah. The Cry Baby session. The Cry Baby session. Yeah. You went to that? I did go to that, yeah. The one-year-old Cry Baby session. The Cry One-Year-Old Baby session. Yes. Yeah, yeah. That's great. So, yeah, that's – That's Dilrub Jones watch.

Lucky that checking in with Dilrub Jones also managed to kind of fit within the bounds of talking Coppola. It's great that we managed to kind of knock those two things off and now we're free to talk about more important things. Great. So, as we said at the top of the episode, we are going to Sydney town. We're making the pilgrimage. We tend to go once a year. This is our one time for the year, I assume.

So, June the 2nd, Saturday night, the dream. The dream to go and do a Saturday night gig. Pretty rare for us. Isn't it fun? Because normally we're squeezing into some rat-ass venue that we just have to fit around whatever else they have going on. And we tend to put it in an afternoon so they won't have anything else going on.

Well, the UFC starts at four and that's big for us. So if you can be wrapped up by 1.30 in the afternoon. There's six people coming in for like a Voltron trivia night at 5.30. So if you could be finished before that. Yes. Because, you know, I've got some really good questions about the yellow cat. So if you can take your little fucking dog and pony show. Ironically, the six people doing that Voltron trivia, when they come together,

they form the sexual experience of one person. Oh, wow. Not bad, hey? You're really dissing some people I made up. That'll learn them. Yeah. They won't come back to my imagination for quite a while, will they? But I'll tell you what's not imaginary is the fucking number of tickets

we've sold so far. So we put this thing on sale just, yeah, about 24 hours ago at the time that we're recording this. And man, oh, man, this is looking is looking big it's gonna be a big one and uh you know a lot of locals buying tickets so i imagine some of the what do we call them the dumb dumb dead heads the dumb heads the dumb heads the dead yeah we gotta nail this down yeah fuck it took us a long time to get talking dumb dumb out of the way so yes this might take us a while. Yeah. But quite a few people travelling.

But hey, if it's anything as clever as the name Talking Dum Dum, I think it'll be worth the wait. It's interesting because we talked about this tonight. It is not very long before the Koh Samui International Podcast Festival. Not at all. In fact, I'm going straight there from Sydney. Yeah. I'm making a very quick soiree back to Melbourne town and then taking off again. What do you think you'll do? Where?

When you're back here. In between? Yeah. Just come back and pack probably. That's about it. That's all I've got time for, I think. I think I'll do a day or two's work actually. Yep.

And then I go. Cool. But man, I'm looking forward to that plane ride. Looking forward to – I got my little to that plane ride. Mm-hmm. Looking forward to – I got my little flight booked for me. Oh, yes. I booked the other day and I know you've just booked your flight to Koh Samui as well. Correct. And I'm travelling during the day.

Yeah, me too. I don't like it. Really? I like travelling at night. No, I prefer the day. Oh. I don't sleep on – I love waking up in the morning in Thailand and just going, the world is my oyster right now.

Yeah, I don't sleep on planes. So it just means the first day of wherever I am is just shit house for me because I haven't slept. I like getting some of those big old pills and necking it and going, good night, Irene, and wake up at 10 a.m. in the boiling hot weather in Koh Samui. Nah, a couple movies, play a bit of video games, read a book, jack off about eight times in the Dunnies.

What? You watch movies on the plane? Carl, that's not the one you should be reacting to. That's silly. Anyway, giantdwarf.com.au for tickets to that Very much looking forward to seeing and partying with the Sydney contingent Now, look, I'm looking forward to this because you've said this several times to me already That we're going to go and do something afterwards maybe

So you're pretty keen I like an excited Tommy Dasselot about going out after a show Well, there's plans in the air I've got a third party working on a certain – some sort of after-party situation. You've got a third party working on an after-party. So you've got a third party effectively working on a fourth party. I'm bloody Van Wilder over here. Third party on fourth party.

I like it. Yeah, in Sydney. You know, I don't know Sydney that well. So I'm more than happy to go to Put myself in the hands of some sort of Sophisticated party organiser The hope is that this would be like We haven't done this yet

Like an officially licensed after party venue Can we make one where We get a roped off area? Yes That would have to be a condition Yeah So people can sort of approach the rope and we'll have like someone. Yeah.

Someone there going, oh yes, you can, you can come in. Well, it's also, it's born out of necessity because, so this thing,

our actual show starts at eight. Yep. And due to the venue's curfew, there will not be a lot of room for sticking around afterwards. Oh yeah. So that's the only, that's the reason we're organising this. Cause yeah. And we should say, look, it's a Saturday night. If you could please do us a favour, get in early. Yes. for sticking around afterwards for drinks. So that's the reason we're organising this.

And we should say, look, it's a Saturday night. If you could please do us a favour, get in early. Yes. So we can start at eight because we have strict time. Get the fuck out of here. This bastard needs to start on time. So if we run late, that means we do less podcast. Yeah. Not less stand-up.

Exactly. Don't think you can fucking screw the pooch that way because that's not how it's going to work. Because those things are written and they go for as long as they've got to go. So if anything's going to cop it, it's the podcast. We'll turn this car around and then there'll be no podcast for anyone. Yeah, yeah. You'll have twice as much stand-up and you'll love it.

You've got to eat all your stand-up before you get the sweet dessert of podcast. That's literally what it is. Here comes the not stand-up. Eat your stand-up. It's good for you. It is good for you. You learn things. It's good for us.

You learn what we've noticed about the world. Yeah. So that's going to be heaps of fun. We're really looking forward to that. And like we said, of course, off the back of that is the Coast of Moet International Podcast Festival. It is not too late to book the trip of a lifetime. If you like Dilwark Jones, that will definitely be the trip of a lifetime.

He's only been a year in. Well, I mean, that's not saying much at all. Yeah, he's got no basis for comparison. I'd like to think that it's worthy of a bit higher accolade than that. I'd like to think that we've got more quotes on the poster than just a one-year-old baby would find this impressive. Does he listen? To this podcast? Yeah.

It's actually never come up. Right. I'll ask him. Next time at the Hoyts. Remind me next week's episode of Talking Dumb Dumb. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll check in on what Dilbrook Jones, the one-year-old baby that lives next door to me, thinks of the podcast. Yeah.

At the very least, if he doesn't listen, I'd love to know his thoughts. You know when you have on YouTube those – do you ever watch those videos where it's like some fucking person listening to Bohemian Rhapsody for the first time and he's just filming himself going, oh, this is weird. Okay, the song's changing now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, and now it's changing again.

End of video. Cool. Or people do reactions to like big trailers and stuff like that. I could feel – yeah, a reaction video to Little Dumb Dumb. I've never watched – There you go. That's your cat in action. Oh, yeah.

My Crunchy is – I think Crunchy is in love with Tommy. For anyone who doubts the validity of this allergy that I'm always going on about, there you go. The proof is in the pudding. Yeah. Yeah, I've only watched reaction videos for songs and I fucking hate them. Right.

I keep thinking I'm going to get a good one. Never got a good one. If anyone can point out to me a good reaction video to a song, I'd like to see it. I've just seen fucking morons talking about it. You know what else is bad? Unboxing videos. Have you ever watched one of them?

I haven't. Any like collectible figure or toy or video game thing, there's always like someone who gets it early going okay here i am opening the cardboard flap and pulling the styrofoam bit out okay that's making a weird noise as it scrapes along the inside of the cardboard box it's always someone with the worst voice and i know that's me throwing stones but yeah all right same with like same with tutorial videos anytime you've like tried to look up how to do a thing on photoshop or whatever on a youtube tutorial video it is always the worst sounding cunt yeah yeah we're gonna make one we're gonna do yeah what can we do what our tutorial be

yeah necking yourself yeah that'd be that actually be not bad i think we should be very irresponsible i don't know what i've i don't know that I want to be any part of that. We should do some more videos. Every time we do videos, people go, oh, this is cool. We should. We should get onto it. I've actually been meaning to say that to you off air. Oh, great.

Okay, let's do it. We're already talking tonight about making a few videos in Koh Samui, so that should be fun. Yeah. Okay. Well, let's take care of upcoming shows. So let's talk about the people that support this show. Yes.

The Patreon subscribers. You should go and have a look at this thing. This thing called patreon.com slash little dum-dum club. Go and have a look at it. Yeah, go and have a look at it. Okay. You've got to look at it before you can subscribe. Yeah.

So if you go there, find the link via our website or just write down exactly what I've just said then. Subscribe. You can get bonus little things at different echelons of payment like magazines that we super enjoy putting together and certainly don't take too long doing them and get really annoyed towards the end of the month when it's getting late and we have to shoot them out.

But they come up really well. We don't do any of those things. So why are you pointing out those as points? Don't drink my water. You're talking to Crunchy, by the way. Yeah, the cat's trying to – well, I can't touch that now. That's good. It's all right.

Okay. I'll live. Crunch, I've never got more attention from my own cat than when you're around. It's alright Okay I'll live Crunch She's I've never got more attention From my own cat Than when you're around It's disappointing We don't get enough love From Crunchy

For all the things we do for her She's one of these cats that Sounds like someone's angling For me to move in No But Did I talk about this On the podcast the other week

But we looked up And she's not supposed to be A very affectionate breed of cat Yeah And now we're like Pretty frustrated That we've got lumped with this cat that couldn't give a fuck about us. That hates you. Yeah.

She is just crawling all over the mixing desk. Yeah. She's trying to stick her head in your glass of water. She's trying to drown herself. She hates this content so much. Let's film this as a tutorial. Crunchy wants to do the neck yourself tutorial. She's going to unbox her life and throw it off the Westgate.

Hello, Crunch. All right. Yes, Patreon. Patreon subscribers. I wonder what would happen if Crunchy met Dilwork Jones. So people sign up. They get magazines. They get bonus episodes.

And, of course, at some stage, they get bonus episodes, and of course at some stage they get hopefully the pleasure of having their name read out via a little piece of software that we employ for this show that is called the Unplanned Title Alternator. Yes. Completely random way of reading out people that support the show. So that it's completely fair and ethical. Exactly. Yeah. Keeps fair and ethical. Exactly. Yeah.

Keeps the bastards honest. Yes. We're never going to get pulled down by the ACCC for doing anything wrong on this show because we've got a little bit of insurance called the UTA. I know. I sleep a lot better at night. Well, I've never been doing the podcast and had half an eye on the door worried about it being kicked down.

Yes. So it's a good feeling. It's a good bit of insurance for the soul. I have that fear but not that it's the ACCC, that it's hordes and hordes of just screaming beautiful women. Really? Yeah. You have a fear of that happening?

Oh, well, I mean, we'd be trampled to death. If all the women that want to bet us came into this room at once. It's just a physical thing. We'd perish immediately. Right. Yeah, yeah. That is a lot of people. Yeah.

That would be dangerous. In a way, I'm glad that doesn't happen. Yeah. Yeah. Great. It's a blessing in disguise. All right. So let's crack on.

Number one. Number one for this week. I'm not sure why I'm numbering them. But hey, I'll give anything a go. Well, I mean, it's a centuries-old method of just placing things in an order. People love a list. People do love a list. And weirdly enough, this is alphabetical this week.

Well, you'd hope so. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Aaron Durston. Aaron Durston? Can't get more of a first-person number one on the list than someone with two A's in your first name. No. Well, I mean, if the list was going by surname, I mean, this guy's waiting. You know, he's down there. He's still near the top, but he's down there.

Yeah. Yeah. A.D. Durston. Fred Durst. It's not Durst Town. It's not where Fred Durst comes from. Oh, right.

Okay. Right. It's just Durston. Dur's not where Fred Durst comes from Oh right Okay right It's just Durstin Durst on Yeah Durst on Yeah Durst on Durst on Yeah

The vocals on a Limp Bizkit track Yeah Aaron Not a huge fan of the name Aaron I have to say You're not No I feel like I've talked about this before But I think it's a bit

It's a bit over the top. We get it, mate. You would have been probably first in the phone book without the second A. Yes. Yes, true. Yeah, you didn't need to really, you know. Yeah, because, I mean, what is it about the two A's that's really driving home that sound? If it was just one A, it'd still be Aaron.

Yep. It wouldn't sound any different. Aaron. Aaron. Aaron. Is that It wouldn't sound any different. Aaron. Aaron. Is that what you should do to anyone called Aaron from now on? Just, you know what, they paid for the second A, give it to them. They paid for it, didn't they? Yeah.

Aaron. Aaron. Aaron. Aaron Durston. Not into it. No, I like it. Yeah, I'm not a fan. I'm way into it.

I demand that every listener we have pronounces it like that from now on. Would you like every listener that we have to change their name to Aaron Durston? No. Okay. That would be confusing. Okay. You're right. That would. There we go again. Crunchy.

Crunchy's done it to me again. You might be allergic to the second A. Yes. You don't know. I was... Unnecessary A Well, you might be allergic to the second A. Yes. You don't know. I was, yeah, man. Unnecessary A's, you might have an allergy. I was happy to just do as many of these as, I was happy to do like 15 or so of these. But yeah, I think we're going to have to do less.

I'm sorry. Do you want to finish now? No, no, no. I'll keep going. Okay. Are you sure? Because if you're struggling. When I sneeze the third time We'll stop

Okay Alright well this will be interesting Alright Thank you to Patreon subscriber Now this is Look this is interesting Because sometimes people Don't give their name

Properly Okay In their They try and put in a funny one Yeah or just You know some sort of Maybe private in joke Or whatever it is

So their name On this podcast Yeah Yeah I know Strange Why would they I know it's hard to get

Wrap your head around it But have a go at this Someone has called themselves And look I assume you want to Have this read out Because this is how you've entered Your name into

But their name on here Is a bucket of peas. As in the vegetable peas. Yes, yes, yes. Yep. I don't know what that's a reference to. A bucket being a receptacle? I guess so.

Unit of measurement in this case? I guess so. You know what? I'm going to look up bucket of peas to see if that's a quote from a movie or something. Oh, yeah, some kind of slang. Some sort of reference to something, but I've never heard of it. No, it's not. So is a bucket first name and then of peas?

No, it's just written in as a bucket of peas. It's just written in. Yeah, you don't need to – they didn't even try and make it look like it was a name. It was just a short little sentence. Because you've mentioned on the show before that you love peas. So maybe that's just them trying to appeal to you. I don't think that. I think they've just put it in there and that's their little joke

to themselves or something, but it makes no sense. It's a shame because, you know, I'd like to read this person out and give their dues of contributing to the show. Well, Bucket, I hope that you've gotten your jollies off. I hope that this was worth it. Yeah. You made a mockery of us and you've made a mockery of this podcast. You've made us look silly.

I'm trying to just read out people's names and you've forced us to read out some silly little bloody Monty Python sketch or something. And people don't know this, but the guests who are in the episode sit around in silence while we do this Patreon bit. So now we look stupid in front of Hamish Blake. Exactly. He's sitting here. He looks mortified right now looking at us.

We're still on stage. The entire crowd is still here. They're silent because they're so horrified by everything we've said. And the rest of it's been killing. We just don't have them mic'd up. Yeah. That's the only reason you can't hear it. Yeah, yeah.

Terrible. So thanks a lot. I'm starting to doubt whether I should do this podcast anymore if this is the sort of rot that's going to get served up. Yeah. People are listening to this in their ears. The cleaners have gone home. Should I disclose that because I get the information

of what their email address is Yes So I think I know that Don't read the email out No I won't Bucket at peas.com No But then I believe their first name might be involved within the email

Ah okay So should I disclose that name Disclose the first name Okay And look this is such a shame because it's such a pretty sounding name Oh here we go Yeah Their name is Carl.

No, it's not. It's Camilla. Oh, nice. That's a nice name. Why would you hide that pretty name away? Hey, why would you hide that pretty name away and put out a bucket of peas? The more we say it, I'm coming around to it. A bucket of peas.

Yeah. Well, thanks, bucket. You know what? You know what that might have even been? A very failed attempt at being the first alphabetical. Oh, quite possibly. Because A bucket still doesn't come before Aaron. A space comes before though, doesn't it?

Does it? It should. I don't know. Yeah. Does space come before A doesn't it Does it It should I don't know Yeah Does space come before Yes A Yes Because that's the whole word

It's just A You can't get any more A than that Okay Alright I'll take that under advisement Anyway let's What's the third one Fucking

Wheelbarrow of corn No Okay No you actually haven't picked that. Okay, wow. Yeah, that's incorrect. That's a shame. I really felt good about that.

Let's take that. Edit that out, please, because it just makes you look silly getting something so wrong like that. No. Third this week, thank you to Patreon subscriber, given their full proper name, their birth name, their slave name, which I appreciate. Very good. Is, thank you to Patreon subscriber Nicholas Houston.

Houston. Houston, we do not have a problem. Houston, we have a problem and it's maybe too much money now. Reckon that's the first time he's ever heard this. Don't reckon that's ever come up before. Yeah. We have no problem with reading your full name out. Mm-hmm.

It's no bucket of peas. It's just good old Nicky Houston. Mm. Mm. Obviously named after the place he was conceived at someone called Nicholas's house. Well, you can't name someone's surname after where you were. I guess that's true.

If you're named after your dad, that's kind of what's gone on there. He was conceived in his dad. Is that what you're saying? No, if you're named after your dad. Right. It's like that's what's happened. You've been named after, you know, it's like Nicholas's house. Right.

That's where you were conceived. So we called you Nicholas in honour of that. Oh, right. The house that I own. Yeah. That I fucked your mum in to create you. Right. Happy birthday.

So don't forget to tell everyone that's how you got your name. I've got a very interesting story here. I was named after my dad because my dad fucked my mum at my dad's house. What a great way of summing it up. One time, mum and dad were at my dad's house that they both lived in. You can't just say, I was named after my dad. You've got to go into specifics. Yeah.

Because it's an interesting story talking about your conception. Who were you named after? Do you know? I don't. I partially think it's something to do with there was a doctor at the hospital at the time that was called Carl. Yeah, and they just liked the name. So how do you know that if it hasn't been told to you as this is why we called you that?

No, I think it's been told to me as in that was part of the reason. I think that maybe they liked it already and then that was like a, oh, yeah. What reason do you need than just liking the name? No, but liking the name from the doctor that was in the hospital at the time. I think that was part of it. So that's the reason? No, it wasn't like that's 100%. We'd never heard that name before and there's a doctor there right now

as I'm giving birth. Lucky charm, Dr. Carl, get in. That was part of the reason. So they liked this doctor? I don't know if they liked him. It was like a tribute to him? They didn't even like him. Well, I don't know.

Look, you're definitely raising questions that I need to follow up. Give me their phone number. Yeah. I will ask. I'll ask mum. Okay. I'll ask mum. Okay.

I'll find out. What about you? I have no idea. Really? Yeah, I don't know. Oh, actually, no. I actually don't know if that's the reason. My mum's uncle. Your mum's name is Tommy tommy yes right my mom's uncle is called

tom right okay so maybe uh probably after him i guess it kind of must be like that's well that's weird if it's someone in the family yeah and then he's like oh you named your son after me no no just like the name nothing to do with you it's actually a bit unfortunate because we hate you yeah we kind of wish you we like this name so much that we're calling our son it in spite of the fact

that you have that name and we think you're a complete cunt yeah or oh I forgot about you well I just did yeah

thanks Nicholas he's still around he's still kicking he's like 95 years old or something, 96 years old. Nice. It's nice to have some long-living people in your family. And he's not in a home or anything.

Oh. Yeah. He just lives on a farm. Maybe he's not alive anymore. What are you talking about? Uncle Tommy went to the farm. He used to live with us and they sent him to a farm 20 years ago. And you haven't seen him since?

No. Have you been told he's just frolicking around with the rabbits? Because, oh, I don't know how to tell you this. You know what? I don't like to be too topical on the show because I like the idea that we're timeless. This show's timeless. But I read a thing that's in keeping with some things That we talk about on this show

I read a thing just before in the news That this 105 year old guy Has flown overseas to go to Sweden Or something where suicide is legal So he's gone over there to do that It's like man you're 105 That's just showing off Oh I gotta kill myself

Cause nature won't do it myself. I'm too tough. I like that even though you just read this, you're worried about this topical story dating on the podcast. Is it the idea that in a year's time some part of that story will not make sense anymore? But it's just so arrogant. Yeah.

105, I've got to do it myself. No one else will do it. Nature won't do it. I'm sick of waiting around. But he's right though. Yeah. A hundred and five. I got it. Oh, I got to do it myself. No one else will do it. Nature won't do it. I'm sick of waiting around. But he's right though. Nature isn't doing it. Yeah. You know, at that point it's like, I just want out.

It's not happening. It's fucking cocky. Like I thought I would have been out at 90. Like fuck me. How much longer have I got to wait around? Walk in front of a train. Why are you going to fly overseas? Fucking hell.

Oh, I can't even die in this country. Probably can't walk. Oh, yeah. Yeah. All right. I'll look into this as well. Let's offer to get him on the show and then kill him. Just bludgeon him to death at the end of the 400th episode.

No, I don't like that. You don't want to kill a 105-year-old. What sort of sentence would you get for that? Well, if he was already looking into going and doing it himself. Yeah, you'd get into some dangerous territory. You're going to have to say something pretty rotten at a trial. He was coming right at me. Yeah.

It was self-defense. Yeah, it was him or me. It was going to be me. I thought this 105-year-old was going to kill me. Yeah. Well, thanks, Nicholas. Well, thanks, Nicholas. Yeah, thanks, Nicholas. For opening up a lot of moral questions.

Thank you to Patreon subscriber... Dostikovorkian. No. You've got that wrong as well. Fucking done for two tonight. Awful night for me. And I can... Don't get...

You know what? I'm starting to feel this third sneeze coming on as well. My eyes are watering. Don't buy a Tats Lotto ticket, mate, with the luck

you've got tonight. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Steve Emery. Emery, I like that. Where do you think that comes from? Oh, no idea.

No idea. Emery. Like a... You know, a couple of generations back he's he had a great great grandfather that was an emory board what's that i don't know i think it's the thing though it's always good when you throw something out that you don't know what it is in the hopes that the other person knows exactly what it is. But you know what? You met your match tonight. Yeah. Happy to be ignorant. It is a strip of thin wood or card coated with emery or another abrasive and used as a nail file. There you go.

So what's an emery board? It's a board covered in emery. What's emery? Yeah. Well, you know what? It's a nail file. So it's that sort of You know Scratchy metal thing Oh that coarse kind of

Yeah Okay So he's kind of a So you're saying This guy's kind of A bit of a coarse character Ah Bit of a scratchy

Back in the Back in the day His family were Anyway apparently Yeah Yeah He might not be But you know

Yeah I mean He may have Got smooth Smoothed over time Like Like rocks Near the ocean.

Yes. That was beautiful. Yeah, thank you. And as part of his smoothing over time, he sort of thought throughout the family, he sort of thought, you know what, instead of being so spiky, such a spiky individual, I want to get away from that. I've got to smooth it out, man. Yeah.

And how better to smooth out your character and your reputation by donating to a podcast? Yes, maybe this, so you're saying this could be the beginning of it. This is the start of him trying to check this family limit. God. This might not be the start. He might have started by doing, you know, like giving money to homeless people. By killing a 105-year-old man. Yeah, yeah.

He may have been, you know, buying the big issue every now and then. Oh, yeah. Then he have been buying the big issue every now and then and then he's gone, you know what, I know they do it tough but there's some fucking idiots that do podcasts that do it even tougher. Yeah, yeah. Let's give some money to them. And then the final step is what, changing the name? Yeah, and then he then –

To Steve Smooth. Yeah, then he graduates from not having that surname anymore at all. Great. Thanks, Steve. Thanks, Steve. Thanks, Steve. Oh, no. Oh, no. Quick, quick, one more.

All right, all right, here we go, one more. Quick. One more. Thank you to Patreon subscriber, a bucket of comedy. Wow. What are the odds of getting two like that in one episode? Achoo! Add over. Oh, Crunchy, why did you

have to make Tommy sneeze like that? Just when we had a really good subscriber. A whole bucket full of comedy. Yeah. I'm happy to fight through my allergies to dissect this one. Well, I don't know. Again, I don't know if this is a real name or this is just something that they've made up as their account name.

Is it some sort of private weird joke? Do we have an email address that might give us the first name? I'll have a look. Let's see. Have a good old look there. Give me a minute. Have a look at that thing that's right in front of you right now. Give me a minute or two to have a look.

Chew. That thing that's right in front of you right now. Give me a minute or two to have a look. Achoo. Achoo. Sorry, I'm allergic now as well. This person's name is Achoo. No, no, no. I'm allergic now. I can't go on any longer. What's your allergy?

What are you allergic to? Great premises? To ill-thought-out ideas. That's what I'm allergic to So let's move on Alright well thanks everyone Especially to A bucket of comedy

A bucket of Cause quite generous to be honest Comedy Yeah Comma A bucket of Yes If it was in the

It was in the library That's how you'd be looking up That biography of this person Well thanks everyone Thanks everyone who subscribes On Patreon At patreon.com Slash little dum dum club You can of course find It was in the library. That's how you'd be looking up that biography of this person. Well, thanks, everyone. Thanks, everyone who subscribes on Patreon at patreon.com slash littledumbdumbclub. You can, of course, find links to the Patreon, all of our merchandise, our tickets at littledumbdumbclub.com. Sydney, we will see you on June the 2nd at the Giant Dwarf, giantdwarf.com.au for tickets to that one. And if you're in Sydney and we're going to bring a bunch of merch up.

You haven't seen it. We haven't seen you for quite a while so uh we'll bring all the merch up uh if you want the brand new t-shirt of course if you want to check out what that looks like go to our website the uh the new t-shirt that we launched only a few weeks ago or so yeah that we talk about in this episode that people just heard yeah lovely lovely so uh yeah get in get on the socials tell us if you want us to bring up uh stuff because it's always good to know in advance what size and style and design and stuff just so I don't have to bring up every single size of the fucking 17 shirts that we've got out.

That'd be great. Join the Facebook group if you'd like. There's a lot of chat going on there every day. The people are aware of the little Dum Dum Club, which is a bit of fun on Facebook. Otherwise, Instagram, Twitter, and the normal Facebook fan page. Yep. And next week, is this still the plan? We're breaking it up with not a live episode.

Okay. From the middle of the festival that we did. So, yes. A couple of great guests and a really fun, you know, slight change of gear but very entertaining I thought at the time. I've listened back to it. Real good one. Yeah, is it good?

Yeah. Great. Two international guests that you'll enjoy a great deal, including a returning favourite and someone brand new to the show. Yeah. Guys, thank you for listening to this instalment of Talking Dum Dum, and we'll see you next week. See you, mates.

This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit planetbroadcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mates. It's not optional. You have to do it. We used to go easy on it, but now you have to. Yeah. Yeah.