The Liz Moody Podcast - Advice Ep! Anxiety, Morning Routines, Knowing When To Break Up & More with Kate Van Horn

Episode Date: February 26, 2024

The next installment of our advice series, where every month, I’ll be joined by a new special guest. This month I’m so excited to welcome Kate Van Horn to the podcast to answer your questions. How she moved through her anxiety, PTSD, and eating disorder and came out stronger than ever How to rebuild the ability to trust How to get over a bad body image day A tip for morning routines that will change your entire day Tons of helpful tools for managing anxiety How to build your intuition muscle How to incorporate more play into your life How to forgive your parents for your childhood How to switch careers in your 30s What to do when you’re invited to a bachelorette that’s expensive or you just don’t want to go but you don’t want to make the bride mad How to know when and if to break up with your partner And so much more! For more from Kate, you can find her on Instagram @kate.van.horn or her website www.katevanhorn.com. You can find her brand new book The Inner Tarot: A Modern Approach to Self-Compassion and Empowered Healing Using the Tarot wherever books are sold. To join The Liz Moody Podcast Club Facebook group, go to https://www.facebook.com/groups/thelizmoodypodcast. Ready to uplevel every part of your life? Order my new book 100 Ways to Change Your Life: The Science of Leveling Up Health, Happiness, Relationships & Success now!  This episode is sponsored by: Branch Basics: save 15% and get free shipping on your Starter Kit when you use code LIZMOODY at www.branchbasics.com. Seed: go to seed.com/lizmoody and use code LIZMOODY for 25% off your first month. Osea: get 10% off your first order at oseamalibu.com with code LIZMOODY10. Needed: go to thisisneeded.com and use code LIZMOODY for 20% off your first month of Needed products.  Cymbiotika: use code LIZMOODY on cymbiotika.com to get 15% off plus free shipping on subscription orders. Previous episodes referred to in this episode: Ask The Doctor: Debunking Skin Care Myths—Slugging, Face Shaving, Red Light, Collagen, Ice Rollers & More with Dr. Whitney Bowe How To Figure Out Your Life’s Purpose, Improve Your Concentration, & Develop More Willpower with Dandapani How To Stop Stressing Over Balance, Perfection, & Timelines + ACTUALLY Enjoy Your Life with Katherine Morgan Schafler, LMHC The Liz Moody Podcast cover art by Zack. The Liz Moody Podcast music by Alex Ruimy. Formerly the Healthier Together Podcast. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello, friends, and welcome back to the Liz Moody podcast. I'm your host, Liz Moody, and I'm a best-selling author and long-time journalist. This podcast is all about helping you live your healthiest, happiest life, whether we're debunking skincare mists with a top dermatologist, learning how to figure out your life's purpose with a former monk, or talking about how we can stop stressing over perfection and actually enjoy our lives. And yes, those are all real episodes, so if any of those topics sound good to you, they are linked in the show notes. We are back today with another advice. episode where I'm joined by very special guests and we answer questions that you have sent in.

Very detailed, very specific, very fun questions. If you haven't listened to the last one with SNL's Heidi Gardner, I will link it in the show notes. It's such a good episode. We get into How to Love Sports, which you know has been a personal journey of mine for a while. Now she gave really good advice about that. We talk about getting through breakups, overcoming public speaking fears, figuring out the best career and so much more. You can always always. send any questions that you want answered to ask at Liz Moody.com, or I will be taking questions on Instagram the last week or so of every month, so be on the lookout for that. Today, I am so excited to welcome Kate Van Horn to the podcast. Kate is one of my longtime real-life friends, and I always

say that she is the most intuitive person that I know. She provides wisdom and guidance through her readings for many world leaders and celebrities who shall remain nameless for their anonymity. But basically all of your favorite people are getting advice from Kate behind the scenes. And her beautiful, beautiful new book. I'm so proud of her for this book. It comes out tomorrow. It's called The Inner Tarot, a modern approach to self-compassion and empowered healing using the tarot. And what I love about it is that it really uses the cards as a tool for exploring your mind and your thoughts and your beliefs and your relationships and your relationships. I am potentially, personally, the biggest skeptic in the entire world about this type of

stuff. But Kate absolutely breaks the mold and her advice has been incredibly valuable for me and my life. And I know so many people out there who feel the same. It's how she's built her entire business. So I knew I had to bring her on to answer all of your questions. And the questions that you asked this time were so good. Like this might be the best batch of of questions that you have ever sent in, and the result is such a fun and juicy episode. I'm obsessed with this episode. We get into how Kate moved through her anxiety, her PTSD, and her eating disorder, and came out stronger than ever. We get into how to rebuild the ability to trust if your trust has been broken, how to get over a bad body image day, a tip for morning

routines that will change your entire day. This is unlike anything I have ever heard before, that I've ever heard anybody incorporating into their morning routine before. It's so interesting. I think you're going to love it. We get into tons of helpful tools for managing anxiety, how to build your intuition muscle, how to incorporate more play into your life, how to forgive your parents for your childhood, how to switch careers in your 30s and beyond, what to do if you're invited to a bachelorette that's expensive or you just don't want to go but you don't want to make the

bride mad, how to know when and if you should break up with your partner, and so much more. Advice episodes are always really fun and they're really chatty, and I feel like this one was even more so because I got to do it with one of my closest friends in real life, which was really special. As always, we would both love to hear your thoughts as you're listening. So definitely screenshot and tag us on Instagram. Tell us your advice what you would say about any of the tricky situations that people are tackling. I am at Liz Moody and Kate is at. Kate.van.horn. Also, there are so many amazing nuggets in here. So please share the episode with anyone that you think would benefit. It is the best way to support the podcast and it is so

appreciated. All right. Without further ado, let's dive right into this advice episode with my friend Kate Van Horn. Kate, welcome to the podcast. I feel like this is such a long time coming. It is. Thank you so much for having me. Real life friends for, I don't know. I don't know, at least four or five years, six. Yeah, I'm trying to remember. 2018. We met at the Good Fest? Yes, we did.

Okay. So, and then was I like, we're going to be friends? I think so, or I might have been pushing to be friends first. Okay. I'm just trying to remember when it, like, crossed over from like, please put me on your stage. Yeah, yeah. I think, like, our event in Austin, because we had the time to go out afterwards with speakers, I remember feeling more connected to a lot of the people we were working with because it wasn't

just at the event. We had that time to hang out. And when did you decide that I was close enough that I should officiate your wedding? When you volunteered. When you said, guess what? I'll be there. And for context, for the listeners, we are eloping. So it's a very small intimate wedding.

And Liz said I got to be there. So we're excited. But I didn't say I needed to officiate. I said it was available as a universal life minister. Yes. Ordained. I also think you're a fantastic officiant, I think, you know, based on the podcast hosting. Yes, yes. It's pretty much the same thing. Yeah. I feel like the same thing. Okay, well, for anybody who's listening in context, Kate is one of the most intuitive people that I know. I just think you give the best advice. You're one of the wisest people that I know. I feel like I don't believe in past lives. I don't know if I believe. I'm agnostic about past lives. I feel like I need more information. But I feel like you've lived a lot of them if that is a thing. I've been somewhere before. You've been somewhere before. Yeah.

Were you a kid who was like walking around saying creepy kind of things? Totally. And like had way too many imaginary friends. You know, that energy of just like, she's off doing her own thing. I was very shy as a child, which I think intuitive children typically are. Talk to me about that. I think they just have a lot of sensitivities. I mention a lot to people when I'm describing what I do.

One of the first questions is often, did you know from a young age? And my answer is always I knew I was very anxious from a young age and very highly sensitive to my environments, to other people. So yes and no. I think that that is, you know, the telltale sign that maybe perhaps something's going on there. And I'm sure we'll dive into intuition today. I love, though, that you just named a bunch of things that people can be made to feel bad about because society tells us these aren't desirable traits to be highly sensitive, to be anxious, to be more introverted. But you've turned these into a thriving, successful career and into your superpowers in life. Can you talk to me about that? Did you always view them as positive characteristics? No, certainly not. So for me, as I was moving through my own struggles with anxiety, depression, and eating disorder, and eventually was diagnosed with PTSD in my early 20s. And those labels were incredibly hard for me to sit with because I was like, this makes me feel damaged. This makes me feel like I should be ashamed of these things. And over time, I realized that my resilience was the superpower, as cliche as sometimes that can be. And I just recognized that this is partially the hand I've been dealt and I can make something out of this. I can make a message out of my mess. And that's really what drove me to start a business in the first place. And there's been many iterations of it, but I actually speak about this in my book. I'll remember from a pretty young age, my mother asked me,

what do you want to be when you grow up? And I said, I just want to make women feel good about themselves. Well, I actually said I would like a summer camp where we all get together and feel good about ourselves. And then the event. That's so interesting. So that kind of happened in some way. And now I work with primarily women or female identifying clients, and we do a lot of that working through. For people listening to have a little bit of context, can you talk to me about the anxiety, about the eating disorder? Just give us a little bit of background on what you've been through. Yes. So at a young age, my parents divorced, and I was abused by a caregiver. And it was sexual abuse as a child, trigger warning, which I should have probably said.

But that completely changed my life and my relationship with my body, my relationship with trusting really anyone at that time. It was complicated also because it was not a family member, but it was like I said, a caregiver role. And it was just really deeply complex. And from that point forward, I can say that my energy shifted and I changed quite a bit. And my parents were even able to see it, thank God. So as I was growing older and the memories and the experiences and the PTSD symptoms were starting to come in through panic attacks as early as third grade. My teachers and my family were looking at this and thinking, what do we do? How do we help her?

Because I wasn't even able to articulate what had happened. So, long story short, that transitions into an eating disorder in my late teens as a form of controlling the anxiety, wanting to feel like I could just manage my emotions and manage the hypersensitivities and the reactions. I was very angry as a kid. And that was my way. That was my outlet. And sorry to get so deep so quickly on the podcast.

But it took a lot of work. It took a lot of trauma therapy, EMDR, medication, all of it before it turned into what it looks like today, which is, you know, I work in the spiritual space. And there's a lot of that, like, beauty and mysticism. But it was pretty messy for a little while. I hear from a lot of listeners who feel like because they, you know, they. experience some type of abuse like that, that they're irrevocably damaged? What would you say to somebody who felt like that? I would say you're absolutely not. You were probably one of the strongest people, and you are probably more in tune with yourself because of it. And what sucks is that

scar is just it takes so long to finally scab over. And I think it's really a matter of just finding ways to make peace with it and also recognizing that that is going to be the hardest thing you've ever experienced. So when I was starting my business, I was only like 21 years old. I handled that. I went through that. I can do this. You know, it really puts into perspective, those low lows what we're truly capable of. And like I said, it could be cliche, but it does drive me very much. And a lot of questions that I get are some variation of I have been hurt by a person in the past, people in the past. I don't know how to trust people again. You have a wonderful community now. You have a wonderful fiance. You have a lot of these really solid relationships in your life. How did you

rebuild the ability to trust? I had to learn to trust myself and be more comfortable with myself and be comfortable also with the boundaries that anyone deserves to set. You know, not everyone is going to be someone that I click with or connect with. And I think accepting that too, that I'm going to be. to have maybe forever my certain levels of boundaries that I take care of myself. And I set those with the relationships I keep. But beyond, you know, just the exercising of self-trust, I would say identifying what triggers you about someone. So for me, it's actually female friendships were harder for me because the abuse was from a woman. And I had to see that later in life. I had to look at the whole history of how my relationships with women, my girlfriends in college, how I

was treating them and realizing that I was showing up as a victim in those experiences and projecting something that I wasn't doing in, you know, romantic partnerships with men. So I think just starting to take some accountability as well, which is really hard for someone who's any victim of any sort of abuse to hear, but noticing, okay, here are my patterns as a result of that. And let me kind of ground myself in the present and the truth of right now, which is this person is not that person. And it takes a lot to work to get to that place. Is there a first step to get somebody from the world is against me? I am the victim to that place of accountability for what am I responsible for in all of

this without taking responsibility for their abuse because we never want to suggest anybody should do that. That's not their fault. Yeah. I think that's a tough thing because to say the entire world is against me, just noticing how one experience or one example, how we catastrophes. or magnify it to a place of absolutes and everyone. I think as soon as we say everything, everyone, everybody, it's a dangerous line, right, to be treading on, to live in that absolute.

So just starting to recognize, again, I can sit with myself, I can trust myself, find the practices that make you feel safe, work on grounding your body so that you can listen to the cues of your body or your intuition when something's right or wrong for you. And it takes a lot of patience in time. Was there anything that Cam did that made him easy to trust? Consistency. As someone who's not trusting as naturally, you know, that consistency and that committed effort to show up for me the same way every day means a lot to me because there's integrity behind it, but there's also like, oh, wow, like you really are noticing what makes me feel safe

and you're making a point to do it routinely. And I also want to point out that you can ask for that. Yes. Our partners want to show up for us in the way that we need to. And I noticed that I needed certain things from Zach to feel safe because of my own past traumas. And I felt like in asking for that, I would scare him away, that he would think I was lame, that he would think I was a loser. But if they love you, then they're not going to. And if they think that you're lame or a loser or are scared away by you asking for what you need to feel safe,

That's a pretty good sign. You probably shouldn't be with that person. Absolutely. It's a really big sign. But I'd also say that we love instruction. We would love to know what's going to work and what's going to make you happy. That's just human behavior, like enjoying making someone else feel good. So on both sides, I'm sure you do the same for Zach, too. The eating disorder. Where are you at with that now? Much better. I'd say healed, recovered. I went to treatment when I was 19, which was devastating, but much needed. Why was it devastating? I think I had to mourn the whole like college experience because mine was really different. And so what happened was, and I know that your story, there's overlap with the anxiety, but what happened for me was I went to treatment to change my behaviors around restricting the calories and over exercising and they diagnosed me with anorexia. So I'm working through that. I leave treatment. I no longer have that consistent accountability of day in and day out groups. I'm back in essentially a dorm, a college apartment. And I'm I noticed that I didn't have my coping mechanism of my eating disorder anymore. So my anxiety skyrocketed because I didn't have that thing.

So I look back in those years, I was really learning to just cope and move through it and manage it. And it wasn't what everyone kind of pictures life in college to be. So I think that took some time. Okay. And now? Much better. I'd say day-to-day body image is something I have to stay on top of. I have to think about it each and every day, but I love where I am now.

I love what my body, you know, allows me to do and what I'm capable of, and my health is abundant and wonderful, and I have to stay consistent with affirming that and that choice. What do you do when you're having a bad body image day? I speak to people like you or my partner who they're able to see the truth of it, which is my body hasn't radically changed overnight. I haven't gained a bunch of weight. It's just fear coming up. It's just an emotion.

And I think having that transparency between me and my friends, knowing what I've gone through is actually really helpful. So when I say I'm really beating myself up today, they know how to respond. They know that it could mean something more to me than just the regular body image day. Like it could be something we need to sit with. I remember that day that I came over to your house and I was like, you're not a trustworthy player in this situation. Yeah. Me and Cam are more trustworthy in this situation than you are. And it's so interesting, the areas in our lives that we almost need to relinquish trust to the people that we love because they can see things more clearly than we can. 100%. I agree. I think that that's exactly what I needed. You are not seeing things for what they truly are right now. And that's okay. We can have an emotional response that's a little blurry. And it will pass. It always does. I will say, too, like something that I've been doing recently is it felt kind of silly when I start. I started it, but I actually recorded a voice note to myself, a little morning affirmation, that I've been listening to every day for like two or three months.

It's four and a half minutes long, and it's in my own voice talking to myself. And part of it is about my body image that day. And I noticed that throughout the day I make choices for that person who was speaking to me, like my higher self, so to speak. Wait, I love this. I love it. If I wanted to do one for me, how did you figure out what you needed to say? how did you channel the highest self and get the four and a half minutes of concrete, solid, good messaging?

So I really enjoyed it in the morning. As soon as I wake up, I roll over and I put my headphones on and I get out of bed and it's my first four minutes of my day. It's wonderful. And what I channeled essentially was, you know, how I'm going to move about my morning, how I love myself, who it is speaking to me. So I heard like, this is you, your future self, who you're becoming actively right now. So she's who's speaking to me. And then I talk about my gratitude for what I have, like what's very present, what I'm working to. and how I feel about the things that I'm doing. If I wanted to do it myself, could you share just a few questions? I could ask myself that I could begin to write out responses for and formulate something to say. What is something that your future self will always make time for in their day?

What is something your future self wants to feel at the end of the day? What is something your future self will be proud of you for accomplishing either that day or taking the step towards that accomplishment? Like some of my goals in the recording are pretty lofty. But others are small. I said something like you are consistent with taking your supplements, which is something I've never been. I'm very like here and there with it.

And I noticed I walk downstairs and I get it done. Like it's the first thing I do now. Another thing I mentioned in the voice note was my relationship with drinking, which is something I've been exploring this year, just noticing how when I'm drained from the work that I do or working with clients, how I was wanting just like a glass of wine with dinner. So this year it's been very much an intention of mine to drink very intentionally. And in that voice note, I said, you wake up and there's no fogginess, you're not hung over, there's no issue with that. So now the rest of the day, I know I'm going to be greeted with

that voice note the next morning. So when it's evening, I'm like, I woke up feeling great. I was reminded of it. And I'm going to choose it again. I love that so, so much. What do you do to rest and recover at the end of the day instead of the glass of wine now. I still make a fun little bevy, like a cute beverage. I think we just like the celebration. I've learned about myself that I love romanticizing moments. So putting it in a glass of wine, turning on some jazz and like dancing as I cook was just as replenishing as the actual wine itself.

Salt baths, I love bath time. I love reading with a bath. Pretty cliche, you know, it's just like what we all think of as self-care, but it does really work. It feels good. And movement, a walk. With your anxiety, what are the tools that you use now that help the most? Movement's big, because I have noticed my body is holding on to that tension, and it really

helps me release, like, to have a walk. Well, I'm curious because I feel like with you, movement also can get complicated, right? Can you speak to that? Absolutely. I think I've finally cracked the code of what works for me and letting it change as well. So, for example, like for a long time, I was just going to the gym because I thought that's what I was, you know, the easiest thing, the path that everyone takes. But I love at home workouts. I am happier. I can dress more comfortably. I don't compare myself to other people. And I really appreciate that time. It's like my moving meditation. I make it not feel overstimulating or too exhausting. It's really just to be present in my body first thing when I wake up. So I've scheduled it at 8 a.m. and I've accepted that I'm not a gym girly. Like I want to do. an at-home workout. And I think it has maintained my eating disorder in the sense that I don't have any of the machines giving me any sort of numbers. And that's what's probably going to be

how I move and live maybe forever. And that's okay. That's what I was going to ask because I think a lot of people who have struggled with either eating disorders or just along the spectrum of disordered eating can have a hard time figuring out the place that wellness fits into their life and health and taking care of themselves, and you've managed to do that really, really well. So any tips you have to share in that arena, whether it's with food or with movement or anything like that would be appreciated. I think allowing it to be fun. It has to remain fun.

So doing the thing that's going to bring you the most joy. And like I said, being okay if it looks different for you as long as you can sustain it, because I think we both know the commitment and the routine and the showing up every single day means so much more than necessarily like, you know, pushing yourself in a hit workout or anything like that. So for me, I would say too, like I think a lot of us in recovery for an eating disorder or anything, addiction of any kind, might feel like we want to prove that we've healed. One of the things that was really like interesting for me was to realize I would never tell an alcoholic who's in recovery that they should go back to drinking lightly. So it's like, oh,

I might just have a different lifestyle that suits me in my healing. And it looks different than maybe what the norm is or what I started at. It has evolved over time. And yeah, treating it from that perspective of like it doesn't have to go back to normal. This can be the new normal. And what is normal? Like I think a lot of what we consider normal on a societal level is based on really screwed up messaging that we've internalized for decades that shouldn't be normal. even if it is normal. So why are we aspiring for that? Truly. And it's going to change, like the trends around our wellness and what we're supposed to be doing and looking like it's crazy to be following. Other anxiety tools? Journaling for me.

Identifying what the thing is behind the anxiety. Like, where am I really coming from? I've learned there's always a secondary emotion. So if I can slow myself down enough to process that through either conversation, I'm very verbal. So I either need to talk it all out and just vent it out. and then I try to look at like, where did we land at the end of this? Because that's the true fear coming up.

Anxiety is trying to take us in a million different direction. So I would say processing through, journaling through, I don't enjoy meditation when I'm anxious. I can't sit still. I think it could be as simple as doing one thing mindfully. That's like not associated with our output or pressure to be anything that's really important. It's just doing that thing fully in the present and experiencing it for all that it is and letting it just be. When you think about strength and resilience, like your ability to feel energized, to recover well, to stay strong as you get older, what do you think that actually comes from?

Most people say working out or good nutrition, and yes, of course that matters. But there is a biological foundation underneath all of that that most people are completely overlooking. I have been diving deep into this lately with the team at timeline and what I've learned has genuinely shifted how I think about my own health. Every single movement that your body makes, every step, every workout, every muscle contraction depends on energy produced at the cellular level. And at the center of that is your mitochondria.

Here is the thing that nobody tells you, certainly nobody told me, starting around age 30, our mitochondria naturally become less efficient. More get damaged, more become sluggish, and over time that impacts your energy, your strength, your recovery, and your resilience. Most of us respond by pushing more. we're like noticing these things and we're adding in more protein. We're trying to fix it with more supplements. We're trying to do harder workouts.

And those things do help. But timelines research suggests that we also need to be supporting the cellular machinery underneath. And that is exactly what their supplement, Mitopure, does. It contains urolithin A, which helps your body clear out damage mitochondria and support healthier ones so that your cells can produce energy more efficiently. Because this is happening to your cells, it's going to impact. your entire body, your immune system, your muscles. One study found that taking

mitochondria increased muscle strength by 12% in four months with no change in exercise routine, it's going to impact your energy, your sleep, your skin, your cell health impacts all of this, and urolithineA keeps your cells healthy. Timeline has done over 15 years of research and testing on this one product, urolithin A, which, by the way, most of us lack the gut bacteria to synthesize naturally. That's why many of us need to supplement it to get the benefits. This has become a staple supplement for me. It is my top way to support how I want to look and feel as I age. Support yourselves and how you age with mitopure gummies from Timeline.

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I would invest in my mattress. And in fact, I have four years well before I had much money to spend on any of these things because it is such a big needle mover. The birch mattress is incredible. It is made with organic cotton, natural latex, and ethically sourced wool. So it has literally no off-gassing. You can not smell anything right when you unbox it. It has no microplastics, no synthetic foams or flame retardants. And the wool makes it so breathable, which if you've listened to this podcast for more than five minutes, you know that I run very, very hot. Like, I am a furnace. Zach has basically accepted that sleepy next to me is like sleeping next to like a little fire and the birch mattress has been a game changer for that. It's made me sleep so much better like

I can see my sleep score going up because I'm not hot all night long. It's also hypoallergenic, which is really worth paying attention to if you find yourself waking up stuffy or congested. Dust mites in a conventional mattress can actually impact your breathing and your sleep quality without you even realizing it. And again, we need to be able to breathe to get good sleep and getting good sleep is the foundation of our health. And then comfort wise, Zach sleeps on his back and then I sleep on my side and my stomach. So we have two completely different sleep styles and we both wake up feeling really good, no aches and pains. CNN actually named the Birch mattress, the best mattress for side sleepers and Wired named it the best organic mattress period. So there you go.

Birch has options for every kind of sleeper in your household. They have three firmness layers. I like the Lux Natural, which is the medium one. And then parents, they even have a Birch Kids natural mattress. Birch ships right to your door. It sets up in minutes and it comes with 120 night risk-free trial. So if it is not for you, they will pick it up for free. You have nothing to lose here. I want all of you to enjoy a deep, restful night sleep with a new mattress from Birch. Go to birchliving.com slash Liz Moody for 20% off. That is birchliving.com slash Liz Moody. And you're going to get 20% off, birchliving.com slash Liz Moody. You're one of the most, no, you're the most intuitive person that I know.

You are. And I think a lot of people, myself very much included, have a very hard time telling when their intuition is trying to tell them something and when their anxiety is trying to lie to them. How do we find the difference? I think that our anxiety and our fear lies to us more than our intuition. So knowing that if you are having trouble between the two, if anxiety is worried, if anxiety is, winning, it could possibly just be anxiety, you know? And for me, it's like finding in your body where it's located. So I know if I start to feel a lot of fluttering or like tension in my heart, that's probably anxiety for me because I've learned over time that that's where it's activated

versus if I feel kind of just this, I don't know, gut knowing, I can usually trust that to be my intuition. If my thoughts are racing, that's my anxiety. If I feel like I'm taking this like exhale through my whole body, that's intuition. And I'm just a little bit. And I'm I think where people struggle is they assume that intuition has to feel like a great feeling, like a yes, that was such confirmation for me. You can still not like the information you're receiving. For example, it's time to leave my relationship. You cannot like that that's what you're being told, but it still feels peaceful to receive it. You know what I mean? It's like, okay, yeah, I do. And that sucks, but I have to do it. Is there something that we could be doing

daily that would build our intuition muscle? Yes. Two things that I recommend. First, I think that intuition really wants to lead us towards what's going to be pleasurable as well. So we usually think that we are using intuition specifically to make choices and go this path or this path. And that's a lot of pressure because it is going to determine our future and where we land and what's going to happen next. And I think easing the pressure around that and instead asking your body, your mind, your heart, your spirit, what would feel the most satisfying right now. Whether it's the meal that I cook or the way I move my body going back to that, the friend that I call, what do I just need? What's going to feel so satisfying and replenishing as far as my personal satisfaction? Because our intuition

knows what we uniquely need. And then it's more fun that way. It's more playful too, which is my other suggestion when I'm working with someone who's like, I want to strengthen my intuition. I say, play more. Use your imagination. They're the same thing. If you can daydream about something, if you can imagine something that's not real, there's an element of psychic ability there too. So if they're comparing themselves to what I do, I let them know like you're fully capable. Do you play? I try. I play a lot with Cam. He brings out that inner child in me. And that's how I know if I really enjoy and feel safe with a friend too when they see that really silly part of me. What does that look like? I feel like a lot of people are like,

oh yeah, I want to play more, but they feel silly in the moment or they don't know. what that looks like without structure of some sort. Absolutely. For me, like one thing I've been doing lately is coloring and I just love it. I literally do that as we have the TV on. I'll just be really mindful. And at first, I was like, okay, I'm going to get a spiritual tarot-focused coloring book because I'm like, that's what I do. And then I like worked through that and it was fun. But then I went to the store to get my next coloring book. And I was like, I want the Disney Princess one. Like, why am I thinking this needs to be a whole thing. So even in that moment, it became more playful. Wait, so are you on the Disney princess? Yeah. Oh, fun. I love it. Do you color them the colors

that they are supposed to be? I'm so glad you ask that because no. And Cam is an architect and he was like, I cannot believe you're coloring at that color. Like he couldn't stand. I was making some of them have blue hair and he was like, I can't even look at this. Like, this is too much. He's too type A for that. But yeah, I don't mind. I'm not a perfectionist in any way, which I think is interesting. too. And that allows my inner child to come through more because I've never really worried about like making a mess or messing up too much. And we can look at that from two sides. It's a gift. But also, you know, I know where that stems from is I felt in many ways like a little neglected, you know, throughout childhood. So there was this energy of like, whatever, it doesn't matter. No one's

noticing. Have you talked to your parents about all of this? Yeah. It came out when I was in treatment. so I didn't say anything about the abuse until I was 17. And then I said it in a moment that I don't think my mother, it was the middle of the night. I just don't know if my mom fully heard me. And I'm realizing now that I did that on purpose. Like I said it to her, but also like didn't. And then it came out when I was older and in treatment for the eating disorder. And it was complicated, right, because it had been so many years and there's so many layers to this.

But there was also this fine line where I was in a real. really delicate place and going too far into exploring the ramifications of that felt really overwhelming and really heavy for me to sit with at that time. So therapists and I agreed that like at this point in my stage of healing it was best to move forward with my healing around it. But I think there's a lot of stigma. And for a while there was guilt of like, well, you know, how can you not say something? And it's like I was four years old at the time and I'm 19 now. And that's the importance of speaking up and sharing when these types of things happen as soon as you have the courage to do so. And I know that's a huge thing. But it's where abuse gets very delicate,

is what I'm trying to say. Do you have any advice for somebody who might be struggling with their parents' responsibility in the trauma of their childhood and talking to their parents about that or forgiving their parents for that? How do we do that? Do we need to do that? I think it's deciding based on how open your parents would be. I think it's case specific. I think there is something really powerful about radical acceptance and saying they are who they are, period. I'm willing to be okay with that for my own personal freedom. And then you go through the grief process of what it's like to not have that type of support or response from them that you would like, which is completely fair as well. But for me, I think it was really looking at the generational trauma, noticing the patterns that have been created. And I'm very fortunate that my family has a lot of dialogue around addiction, mental health, depression, even suicide in my family. So this wasn't like an off-limits topic. And I recognize I'm really lucky to have that type of support. But just seeing where it goes back.

And for me, it became this like personal mission to like heal what had been for many cycles beyond just mine, just my chapter as a human being. But, you know, my mothers, my grandmothers and so on. And I'm also proud of that, the fact that they now get to see the shift in the dynamics in our families. How do we know if they're going to be open to it? Like, how do we know if we're going to make things worse by having this conversation or we're going to make things better? I don't know if there's ever been – it can be uncomfortable in the moment, but how many examples do we have of truthful conversations that really made it worse? You know, at least from our own, like, relief and freedom. I look back at the other conversations that have been hard and I've never regretted them.

So I think just comparing to all the other times you've been brave to speak up, and I know that this particular topic is highly sensitive and probably the most intimidating. But if you have a lot of examples of the truth brings up a lot of healing, period. And that's why I think storytelling is so important. I think like releasing that releases the energetic shame around it. It releases our bodies of the different things that we're holding on to. And it's just wildly important to get to the clarity of who you want to be and how you want to show up for yourself is to kind of clear out that gunk, so to speak. And if you don't feel like you have the proof, I think you can take baby steps into getting it. Tell a little bit of truth to somebody who's really safe and see how that feels.

You can wade into the pool of truth, which can be a powerful thing to do. Okay, that was all of me trying to get advice. No, perfect. Let's get into some of the questions that people sent in because they're really, really good. Yeah, I'm excited for these. Okay. Let's start with. I want to change my career, but I don't know what I'll love and don't know where to begin to explore that.

It feels like 30 is too late to start classes or something entirely new. I think, first of all, 30 is a great time because we know what we like and we're going to feel pretty instantly like, okay, this works for. me or it doesn't. And then we're like, okay, I'm going to move on. At least myself in my 30s, I notice I don't do things out of obligation nearly as much anymore. You know, I don't spend time doing the things I don't want to do. What I think's interesting is the mention of I want to change my career. That's placing a lot of pressure around this exploratory phase and assuming it has to become your career. I think to remove that, have fun, do things you enjoy doing, learn something new, and see if it goes back to career, amazing. I think that any way you approach it, at least you're

out of your comfort zone. But to immediately associate it with your career, you're kind of making the exploration of hobbies a career as well, a job as well. Yeah, it's interesting because they say feels like 30 is too late to start classes, which isn't quitting your job and starting a whole new career, but it is putting a weight on the idea of starting the classes or something new. Why not just do that one step, start the classes, do something that intrigues you, follow your curiosity and see where that goes. And one thing could lead to another. Also, feels like 30. is too late is just the most false sentence. It is 30 is so young. I don't know how many times I can say that on this podcast, but 30 is so young. And the only reason you even remotely feel like it's kind of old

is because of social media. Literally. Telling you that. There's this weird generational war happening on social media and I don't really understand it. I'm scared to be a millennial anymore. Well, and we lean in. It's like the different generations. are attacking each other, but then I also hate when people are like, oh, well, I'm in my 30s, so my back is aching and I don't understand TikTok and blah, blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, these are all personal narratives that you're telling yourself. You've bought into this. If you've learned the other social media platforms, you can learn this one.

It's all the same. And you should always be learning and growing and evolving and curious about what else is next. I'm not saying everybody needs to go be on TikTok. In fact, I find a lot of things problematic about TikTok right now. But the idea that you can't be because of a certain age, the idea that you can't take classes or start something entirely new because of a certain age, I was just talking to Tiffany Amber Thiessen on the podcast. And she was saying how she felt more equipped to try new things now because she was so much more sure of who she was and what she wanted to do.

Same as I think people who find their partners in their 30s are really lucky because they're so much more grounded in themselves. So they're likely going to choose better partner. Sorry to you. Well, I'm 32. I know, but you met Cam earlier. When did you guys start dating again? We started dating again about three years ago.

So 29. Okay, you're okay. Yeah, it's close enough, right? Close enough, close enough. It's a fun story. Actually, can you just tell that story really quick? Yeah, so I met my fiancé, my freshman year of college, English 101 at Arizona State University, and I had quite a crush on him.

And then we officially met at a party, and he introduced himself. And I said, I'm in your class. Like, there's only 20 of us. So I guess you never noticed me. And we proceeded to kind of quasi-date-ish hang out, however you want to take that throughout college on and off. And then he kind of attempted to take it to the next level, our senior year. And I said, I'm good. I'm not interested.

And then he stayed in touch for seven years. So just, you know, slid in the DMs here and there, wished me happy birthday. I have voicemails on my birthday from like seven years ago. Was he always holding out home? Yes. I mean, I don't say that. That sounds really full of myself. Like, he was always hanging on.

I think he was always curious, yes. He would invite me to go visit. He lived in Seattle and it was always there. So patience is. Patience pays off. And I don't know if you know this. He had a girlfriend when we started, when we hung out again and saw each other for the first time, seven years. And I said, uh-oh, I'm not getting involved here.

I said, let me know if you ever don't have a girlfriend. But you at a certain point were like, I'm willing to. for this. What changed in you? Seeing him in person again. I remembered him fondly. We always had a friendship. We never like officially dated in college, but we would come in and out of each other's lives. And I think it just was never dramatic or chaotic. Like it was just never right place, right time. So not having any of that damage was really helpful too. He had never really hurt me, but we just hadn't synced up. And then I hung out with him and I just was like, oh, I'm remembering everything I appreciate about your energy. And I just don't think that was.

was translating over random phone calls or social media or DM. So when I speak to a client or a friend who's like, I hate online dating, I get it. I think it's really hard to have some of those moments. And yeah, I think also watching the way we had both remained ourselves but grown wiser and had changed. Like I could feel his energy was the same and familiar, but I could also see these key differences that I really appreciated and valued because I was like, I don't know what you've been up to these seven years, but I can see you've grown. And it's really attractive. Wait, so if it's hard to find that energetic match with online dating, do you recommend people just skip, like, do a date in real life and just be like, eh, not feeling it or yeah, feeling it, like kind of skip the 40 messages part? I do. For me, I think learning what works for you in dating to when I was online dating, especially in L.A., I'd create these like storylines of what our relationship was becoming over the text. And then I would meet in person and I'm like, oh my God, I feel so silly for that. I feel so silly for going there in my brain.

and using that time to be romanticizing something. So, yeah, I think knowing who you are, I know that about myself, that it's going to be way more impactful for me to feel how my body responds, like even just relaxed, calm, how confident I feel in your presence. Because the banter is just, that's not my way. And I just feel like the messaging, even the calls, they're missing that spark that you get in person. And I worry about it.

If people weren't time starved at all, I would say just go straight for the date. But I know that people are lacking time. But I do think the faster that you can get to a place where you can feel the energy, you're kind of saving yourself time in the long run because you're not wasting time on messages that aren't going to, you know instantly in person, I feel like, not that they're a forever person, but you know instantly like this is not going to be a match for you. Totally. And I think it's also attractive when someone says, all right, let's meet.

Let's do this. And in that moment with us, when we ended up being in Arizona at the same time, visiting friends and the way he was like, let's just hang out. We have no idea. We haven't seen each other in seven years. And he looked at me and he was like, would you ever consider this? And I was like, yeah, why? And he's like, well, in full transparency, I have a girlfriend. I was like, okay, of course. And then I said, call me when you don't. Call me when you don't. And I got a call in two weeks. What I'm trying to say is like just knowing what you want is so important on both sides. Like, you have to really show up and give the other person that knowing of what you need.

Have I talked to about match theory? No. So this is my theory that we're trying to find our matches in life. So anything that we do that impedes that. So if you're showing up on a date and you're trying to impress the person or you're dressing differently than you normally, what are you worrying about when to text them or what to talk about, you're actually impeding your ability to find your match. And the more quickly you can be your most authentic self.

If the person runs screaming for the hills, great. That's amazing. That's such good information. It tells you exactly what you need to know. It tells you exactly what you need to know. So it turns out I talk about match theory all the time with clients. I just use a lot of spiritual buzzwords. Oh, well, now you can say match theory, T.M. Liz Moody. Liz Moody. Got it. I say it's so applicable to so many situations. Should you go on vacation with somebody that you've been dating for a month? Sure. You'll find out really important information. Really, really quickly. For friends, I think match theory applies. For workplaces, the more you are looking for your match, the quicker you can be your most authentic self and put the other person

in a situation where they are their most authentic self, the faster you'll have the information you need. I agree. Yeah. Okay. Let's do some wedding stuff. I backed out of a bachelorette trip and I feel so guilty. I'm not in the wedding party, just an extra guest on the bacheloret.

The money and drinking aspect was too much for me. I'm afraid the bride is mad at me and this will ruin our friendship. I wish I didn't commit before I was sure. What would you do? I would choose not to go. And I spoke to my partner about this recently in my own situation. I went on a bachelorette that I also didn't really want to do and go to. And it has changed how I view the friendship because I'm sitting here, holding myself accountable for the fact that I didn't set a boundary and therefore I'm a little resentful that I had to go.

And so that's a shitty emotion to hold and sit with. Which isn't her fault. her fault because I chose not to speak up and I have to now say it with that. And equally, I think it's totally okay that this person feels some level of guilt. That's okay. Just let it pass. It will. But you're human. You feel bad letting someone down. But ultimately, is it going to impact how you view this friendship, the expectations? Is it going to feed into a cycle that you're going to have to keep repeating for the next milestone, the next thing to keep up with that? I really, really believe I made a little bit of a mistake doing that because although there were moments that were fun and

this and that, ultimately it did, you know, strain or stress me out financially. And it impacted my ability to go to future weddings of friends who I hold a little closer in my life. And it made me, you know, worry about the logistics of a different wedding that I had to travel to. So I would say that the best friendships are going to understand no matter what. And period. End of story. Kind of back to the match theory. Like I was going to say kind of match theory. Literally. Like, this person's going to get it. So if you say, I think if you're open and you're vulnerable and you say the money and the drinking aspect is not where I'm at right now. I love you so much. I love our friendship so much. Make sure there's no lack of clarity around that.

But if they can't understand these two things that are mattering a lot to you, then that is not a good match for you. Completely agree. I also think that people are more absorbed in their experience than anything else, too. So this person's just like not going to care as much as you're probably anticipating. And I say that it's such a relief to realize that people, they're not as worried about what we're doing as we think, and especially our friends. Like, I think about that when I need to cancel plans. I thought about that when I sent you that text being like, I don't think we're going to be able to have that ski trip. I really stressed about it, but I don't think you thought twice. Like, it is what it is. And we'll find another time to celebrate each other.

Yeah, I 100% agree. I was really angry. Well, the truth comes out. No, it's the time. I didn't want to talk about that. I completely understood. I was like, you have a book coming out. I put myself in the headspace of somebody who did have a book coming out. And I think that's because you said the open, vulnerable thing. Here's the reason behind.

So there was no lack of clarity of just, oh, Kate and Cam don't want to hang out with us. They don't want to go ski. And so I think that part is really important. I agree. To say your headspace. and say it really vulnerably and really openly. Also, I do think something happens to our brains around weddings and around bachelorets. So even if the person cares a lot at that moment, when that crazy thing happens into their brain goes away, I think they will care less too.

There's just something weird with all that stuff. That's a phenomenon right there. We put so much more pressure on ourselves. I think we also view our bachelorette is. self-validation exercises like, oh, this is how many friends I've built at this milestone in my life. This is how much people love me. This is how much people want to celebrate me. And we've likely been to all these other bachelorets where we've been on the other side and we're like, oh, it's my turn. I hope people love me that much. So there's just this stew of feelings happening.

So I would also say, even if the bride has a reaction that feels like a lot, be gentle with the bride and be gentle with yourself as well. Give a lot of grace because it creates just crazy emotions. Crazy emotions. Crazy emotions. And I think it's such an interesting phenomenon because we all, I remember even when I was a bride, I was like, I'm not going to be crazy. And then you become that.

And then you become crazy. And for me, it was the more money I spent. Yes. I was like, oh, God, this has to be the best day of my life. Truly. Because I'm never going to spend this much money on a day again. That's how I am too. And that's something learning like what is a big value point.

for you. Like, if I spend a lot of money on something, I am very attached to it being everything I wanted to be. And in this example of I spent a lot of money to go to a bachelorette that didn't give me what I wanted from it, that was a really big problem for me. When my money is attached, I don't enjoy that because I work really hard for it. And that's part of my value system. So do you think that's a problem or something to work on, or is that something to accept about yourself and adjust your actions accordingly? I think adjust your actions accordingly and having some flexibility and compromise as well. But yeah, I think it's totally okay for me to know that about myself of like how I spend my money is really important and I need to learn the boundaries that are going

to, again, position me not to resent the money I spent. Yeah. You've got this. I believe in you. She's going to be cool with it. She's going to be over it in a couple weeks. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Let's do How to Get Over Friendship Envy. I think this goes above FOMO, but I am constantly worried about getting left out of things friends are doing together. I hate this about myself as I don't want jealousy, but I also don't know what to do about it. I think that FOMO, first of all, reciprocation is really big in friendship. So I think initiating plans, you could notice, oh, wow, I get invited to a lot of plans because I'm thoughtful to initiate plans as well. There's just a natural reciprocation that starts to occur. I prioritize the friendships that equally prioritize me. So if you are someone

who deals with FOMO a lot, which as like the biggest introvert, I don't totally relate to and I will name that. I'm like, okay if I'm not invited. You never feel like, oh, that person is liked more than me. It's almost less about the plans, I feel like this type of FOMO, and it's more about the, oh, they don't want me around or I'm not liked in that way. I understand that. Yes, I do relate to that feeling. But I think, again, the reciprocation of being the friend that you want to receive, including that validation of, oh, I really enjoyed our time together, or, you know, giving, it's sort of like love languages in a way, like giving what you enjoy receiving back, because that's the dialogue your friend is going to pick up on if they're a good friend.

What if you feel like you are always doing the planning and you don't get invited to stuff if you're not the one making the plans? Personally, I would stop and see, again, what the response is and just notice that information. And it would suck to be like, whoa, I'm kind of being ghosted from these plans. but it would be the really validating confirmation that you guys are not a match. Have you heard of Match? Match theory. So it was really good theory.

Do you think the same? If you were routinely reaching out, would you just slowly stop? No. I would talk to them about it. Okay, you would. So I think I would get the information first. If I felt like I was always the planner and I wasn't invited to plans otherwise, I would stop making plans for a little bit, see what happened, explore that space.

a little bit. But then I would have a conversation. I'm always a fan, especially if you're at the point of like, are we even friends anymore? What's going on here? Of having the conversation because at that point, you have nothing to lose. That's a great point. Yeah. And also you don't want this friend to feel like they were being tested either. So I think maybe deciding, I think I was coming from the lens of I'm kind of accepting that this is likely over and then just sort of like fizzling out. Because I think that feels like such a key thing to do. Yeah, just. Yeah, that is me. I won't even, maybe don't take my advice. But I do think that there's something to be said.

What I love that you said is giving love in the way that you want to receive love. And I think we've put out into the cultural consciousness to do that in our relationships, but I don't know if we've put out in the cultural consciousness to do that in our friendships. And our friendships need to be treated with the importance of our romantic relationships because they are as important as our romantic relationships. And that means taking care of them in those ways. If you want your friends to be lovey-devy and gushed with compliments, be lovey-devy and gushed with compliments. If you want your friends to do fun plans, you should make fun plans.

If you want your friends to do activities that aren't drinking, which is something that I hear about all the time, come up with fun activities to do that aren't drinking. Totally. Because I think, too, like the drinking is a really good example of if you say, well, I'm so sick of how we drink all the time, that could be received on your friend's end of some level of shame of like, oh, I guess I want to drink all the time. There's a lot at play here. So setting the example, initiating the tone, rather than calling out what's not working and just offering a different idea. Yeah, I love that. I can't decide if I want to move in with my boyfriend or break up. I can't hear my intuition. Some things I value so much

and others don't align to my sense of self. How to stop avoiding the decision and make one. I thought this was such an interesting question because I'm like, move in, break up. Yeah, that contrast says it all. When I'm working with the client or sitting across from someone and we're working through something, I notice those types of absolutes and the big contrast of the different options. And I think if the inner dialogue is saying move in or break up, there's something to really look at before doing either because both are so extremely different. Because another idea could be, is it time to move in or do we need to work on XYZ things in our relationship before we take that step. I really realized that Cam was the right person for me when I realized that I never

had something that he was doing that annoyed me enough that I ever had that feeling of like, we should break up. I would always respond with like, wow, we're really going to have to find a solution together for this because this won't work for me long term. And that was interesting. I felt wiser. I was like, oh, I guess I'm ready for partnership, the real kind, if that's my response. And not to say this person isn't, it's more if that type of, you know, black and white is coming up, there's something to look at. If you have headaches, allergies, brain fog, skin irritation, or you've been dealing with hormone issues, you are especially going to want to listen to this ad.

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really smoothly. It's not tacky at all. And I actually see a difference, which I just feel like is never the case with skincare. You want to always like see a real. difference and you're kind of like, do I? Do I? And this, I genuinely do. Because it's clearing the senescent cells, it doesn't just target one thing. So my skin looks firmer. It looks glowier. The texture feels dramatically smoother. And I feel like you can see that too. I also love the body moisturizer. It dries down really quickly, which is always a pet peeve of mine with moisturizers. I hate that like sticky feeling when you go to put your clothes on. This does not do that. But it does moisturize really, really well. And then again, I'm reducing my skins by a lot.

I am not making it just look younger. I am making it actually younger. One Skin has four peer-reviewed clinical studies in over 10,000 five-star reviews. The data backs everything up. For a limited time, get 15% off with code Liz at oneskin.c.c.o slash Liz. Again, that's 15% off at oneskin.co with code Liz. I love the idea of paying attention to the wording of the question to begin. to uncover how you think about your answer. Like I love the idea of even writing out what your

question is and then really analyzing what specifically you said and identifying if there are those extremes. Are there any other things that you look out for when people come to you for advice that give you little clues or insights? Will I ever get a job? I'm like, well, I mean, we can kind of get a job. We can find something to do to make money. Like that seems so crazy to me to use that term. And then I soften to that. And then I soften to that. And I say, oh, we're dealing with perhaps some like self-worth stuff coming up or there's something behind those absolutes usually. Will I ever find love? Yes.

Will I ever find a partner? Will I ever be happy? I'm like, on some level there's a choice to a lot of those things too. What do you mean by that? Like, there's a level of choice in being happy and showing up and arriving for yourself. So then we would maybe work backwards and look at like what's maybe stopping you from making the decisions that are going to make you happier or choosing the habits and the hobbies that are going to make you happier. Like what level of self-trust isn't there or something like that? That's so interesting.

Okay. So final advice for our dear friend is to look for the in-between. Look for the middle ground. And if you don't want to find a middle ground, I would say when someone asks me, again, in a client situation, is it time to break up with so-and-so? I'm like, you wouldn't be asking if it wasn't. Do you feel like that? Not always, but I think it's a really big alarm that's going off that you need to take seriously. seriously. I think if you are saying that, because even if it's not time to break up or not

time to run away, it's time for a change. And it's also saying something about your responses. Are you fight or flight? Is it flight? You know, is this a trauma response for you? Is this something that if it's not this partner, it will be another partner or another job, you know, noticing where we create those habits that stir up a little bit of chaos because it's what we're comfortable with? How do we stop doing that? Get a therapist. I'm just kidding. Honestly. Honestly, that's a, yeah, that's not.

Unpack where it came from. And I think the key first step is identifying that there is something at the root of that. Yes. I'm comfortable in chaos. Yes. Chaos is my comfort place. How can I stop defaulting to that? Yes, having the self-awareness.

All right. Let's do seeing a new guy and I'm concerned about one difference. I'm super outdoorsy and he is more of a homebody. He is so supportive of my hobbies now, but wondering if this will be more problematic in the future when kids are involved. which we both want. Getting my kids outside is important to me too. I love this. I think what's important to you and what's uncomfortable between you and your partner will be uncomfortable to your kids. So if it's not bothering you in this moment that you guys have separate hobbies, that you do your thing and you're outdoorsy and he does his thing, I don't think it's going to affect the kids

if you guys then hang with your children doing those things as the solo parent. I think there's something really beautiful about like special time, just you and your son or daughter. as mom, as dad, and this could be a beautiful way for you guys to, like, kind of do that separation. And like I said, as soon as it becomes something that, like, mom is clearly bummed that dad's not here, then the kid won't be having fun outdoors doing these things. But if it's normal and we've just kind of accepted, like, we have different interests. And with mom, you do this and dad, you do that? I think it's totally okay. So what do you do if your vision in your head is the whole family on the hike, the whole family on the ski slopes? I think compartmentalize and looking at all

all the other experiences that you guys will have those moments as a full family around the dinner table every day, this and that. And if that feels like the partner that you see yourself waking up in the middle of the night to change the diapers and everything else, like if this is the one instance is the yearly ski trip, to me, I think it's okay to compromise. I have a bigger question for you. And this is like kind of one of the ultimate intuition questions. And I've asked relationship psychologists and I'm very curious your take, how do we know

when our partner is the one versus when we should be not compromising on something, when something matters too much to compromise on? I think when there is just such an acceptance of these compromises that it feels fair. I think the minute when we start to be like, this is unfair, I feel limited, I feel resentful, I feel angry, when it starts to stir up ugly emotions versus just I love this person and I'm going to make peace with it. It's not my ideal. It's not what I imagined. It's not perfect. But I feel really at peace with whatever it is that I'm compromising on, which we know what peace feels like within ourselves. And if it's like day in and day out, you're waking up and thinking, what if, you know, a partner that did this, that's very telling too. I love the word limited that you used because I think we can make compromises with our partners and still feel like they're expanding us and they're expanding our lives.

And I think that's a really important feeling just as human beings to have. And I think that looking out for if your life is getting smaller because of your partner or if your life is getting larger because of your partner. Because the right partner, too, even if they don't want to physically be there for some of these activities or hobbies or interests, they're going to say, please go do it. I don't mind. You know, do your thing. Yeah. And that's straight time. Yeah.

And Jack is going to ski if we have a kid. And you're not. And I'm certainly not going to do that. Okay. Let's do a few more. What are some ways to get on the same? same page with your significant other about money who pays on days, et cetera, when you're in the early stages of dating exclusively. I think calling out how this is a conversation that's going to be

a little uncomfortable and then proceeding anyway, making it a joke and saying like, we're at that point where we got to talk about XYZ. And it's just like it then opens up the opportunity in sex, in deciding timeline of, you know, when we're going to get married. It's like everything can then ride on this like first initial conversation where you just said, hey, this is awkward, but I'm curious. How can I show up for you? And I would like to be the type of person that reciprocates and responds financially how you would want that to look like. Can you tell me what that's supposed to look like? Because I can't read your mind. Have you heard of match theory? It's all coming down to match theory. But if somebody responds negatively, it's okay to have an

initial negative reaction to that conversation. It's scary. It's hard. But if they're like, this is it. I can't deal with this. That is a very good sign. This is not somebody you want to build a life with to deal with hard financial things that are inevitably going to happen over the years. Hard health things that might happen over the years. Hard family things that are going to happen over the years. This is not somebody you're going to want to have hard conversations with down the road if this first hard conversation makes them run away. And I think, too, let's have this be refreshing and honest, not like, let's remove any of the weird gender roles. And like, let's let this be a really radically transparent, truthful conversations so that we know how to proceed. And then we can talk

about, like for me and Cam, I really enjoy when he pays when we're out to dinner. I would prefer he does that. That feels good to me. How we allocate finances, I tend to just handle all the groceries. And then when we eat out, he takes care of that. And that feels really fair to us. That feels good. This sounds more like a newly dating situation, so that's a little different. But it's just establishing like what's going to make the other person feel taken care of and fair. do you navigate feeling like a feminist or the expectations around who should pay and what? Like, I think it's interesting that you said, I feel taking care of when Cam pays when we're out. And some people might be like, yeah, of course, the guy should always pay when you're out.

And some people would say, that's anti-feminist. Like, why should you need to have him pay? Totally. I hear that. And I think, again, if someone else can completely disagree, it's just it's what, feels good to me. And it's based truly just in feeling of like, I enjoy that interaction of him taking care of it. And I don't have anything else to say except for I had to finally accept the things that I find attractive and sustainable in my relationship. And I think that's the thing

that's hard and that these conversations help lead us to is like, is the partner that you're starting to build a relationship with able to sustain the type of things that you're expecting of them to, especially financially? I think that is just as important a conversation. So whether that leans towards the woman's responsibility or not. Yeah, I think we have to just kind of loosen all that and go based on feel. Okay, there's two things I want you to help us do based on that response. One, how can we tap into what makes us feel good? How can we actually get to know ourselves and know what we're attracted to and know what we like in the world because we are subject to hundreds and thousands of messages about what that should be all the time, that it can be

hard to figure that out for ourselves. And then two, how do we not feel shame about it? How do we embrace it? So one of the things that really helped me understand what I needed in a partner was I feel like there's this idea that we make a list of all the things that we want in someone, all the ideals, all the values, even they look like, whatever. I've seen and spoken to women who've literally listed every single little detail. And I've told people, how about underneath that, write down what you're equally going to do in that relationship that's going to look comparable or the same. How are you going to reciprocate that? And if I wasn't able to answer that, if I wasn't able to say, like, I equally would be willing to pay at dinner, then that's really

interesting because back to that idea of like give and reciprocate what you want in a relationship, It's very telling of how much you actually value it versus this is what's expected of a male partner, perhaps. That's so interesting. Okay, so that's how we zero on what we want. Yes. How do we not feel shame about the things that we like? There's the ability to feel shame about literally every decision in the world. And shame is one of the lowest vibrational energies.

It's literally the worst emotion a human being can feel. So I feel like to me it's why place shame on it? Like, why let yourself fester in that when you're really robbing yourself of it? this really intimate connection with the ideal person, just like you had mentioned, arrive in a date, wanting to be confident and clear and yourself and be unapologetic, sitting in that shame is only going to take you personally further away from that authenticity as well. So I think noticing that, too, where is this really getting me to feel this type of shame? What am I receiving from it besides just being in it? Does that make sense at all? It does make sense. Shame is getting in the way of match

theory. Match theory, guys. No, it's really interesting. And I think that shame, it's interesting because I think that we have a lot of conversations about like, well, how many dates should he pay for? Who should pay on the first date? And what you're kind of saying is that there is no should. You just need to figure out what you want, what feels good to you, and then how you cannot feel shame in that desire. And also partner to partner allowing it to be different. What might be a rule for you in dating, you could easily break, and that could be the perfect person for you. It's like, I think we're trying to strategize and put kind of ritual around everything because it makes us feel safer and more in control. This is how I do this. This is how I approach this.

And unfortunately, for certain things that are really intimate like dating, you just can't, unfortunately. You've had to get really comfortable with living with a lack of certainty, with living with giving up control. Can you just share a quick piece of advice for doing that? I like to really validate how brave it is. I hype myself up. I say I know surrendering to this control is a really hard thing, a really brave thing. And then after that, I look at what I was able to do as a result of that, how my life was more expansive, how I learned something, how I experienced something that I never would have

if I didn't release some of that control. Can you leave us with one of the best pieces of advice that you've ever been given or a piece of advice that's changed your life? I have many, but I think because I'm sitting across from you, I do think one of the things that continues to remain a persistent part of myself talk is my body is for living, not for looking. Oh my God, you can't quote me. Now you've got to give something else. I love that way.

First of all, I'll receive that. I really do love that. It does help me. It makes me so happy that you said that. But now give us something else. Something else. I would say that I think of my dad growing up who really, really, really. really, really persistently told me how important it is to find something that you love to do every

day and that your work is really important. And I think I have found that and I feel really, really proud that I was able to crack that code and then I get to show up and arrive doing it. Wait, I want to dwell on that for a second because I've been having this conversation online with my Instagram community. And I think it's interesting, even the way you phrase that, you need to find something that you love to do every day. And you put that in the context of work. But I actually don't think that always has to be in the context of work. No, it doesn't. I think that finding something that you love to do every day is important. I also think that finding passion at work is important, but the passion doesn't need to be about

your job or your work. It could be about, oh, I love the space that I work in. It could be about, oh, I love being able to pay my rent and support myself and feel like an independent person. That can make you super passionate. It could be, and there's a lot of research that shows that this actually matters more for our happiness at work, the people that you work with, matters significantly more for your happiness than the thing that you're doing.

So I love even the way that you phrased the advice from your dad. It wasn't in your work specifically. No, and I think I thought it was. What's interesting, too, is growing up, I think I thought he was talking about that. And now looking back and in the conversations I've had with him since, he wasn't. He was talking about what you're saying, which is like you just got to love what you're doing, the actions that you're taking the way that you're showing up. And that was even interesting to see how over time I finally heard him for what he was actually trying to say.

Can you tell us a little bit in your own words about your beautiful book, your online offerings, your readings, and your Instagram, anything else you want to shout out? Yes, my book, The Inner Tarot, will be out soon. It's going to be published on February 27th. And The Inner Tarot is a resource and a guide, a way to work with the tarot cards, which is my chosen tool for self-reflection. It's what sparked my journey becoming a psychic and intuitive. It's how I work with and hold space with clients, and I really believe they're a storytelling

tool. So what I did with the Inner Terro was I combined storytelling and this reflection with really beautiful, actionable steps to incorporate the messages of the cards because so many women who I've been working with over the years love the idea of expressing their intuition, but then whatever they receive from it, you know, the feeling, the message, the epiphany, whatever, they don't know how to respond and show up for themselves after that. So I really combined every card meaning with not just the symbolism and the history and the nuance of the cards themselves, but also what we can do to live our taro and embody them too.

Yeah, I love it. I will say like I'm a skeptical person about all this stuff. Am I like your most skeptical? A hundred percent client. Yes. Like to the point where I'm like, oh no, I don't even know how I'm going to read for this. But I love your book because I do think that. you're using tarot as this tool for self-reflection and you offer these very pragmatic action steps

for how we can figure out who we are and embody that person and live that person. And I think that's really beautiful and wonderful. And then your readings, which you didn't shout out, but I do want to talk about briefly, are incredible. So you can book private readings and lots of different kinds of readings with Kate on our website. And then your Instagram's really fun too. Yeah, Kate Van Horn. I've been exploring not only tarot, but how to even set up your space and your home. home energetically to be kind of your sanctuary, your place to really receive and feel your best

and express your intuition in really grounded ways. That's an important part of my work. I do not want anything to feel, you know, too woo-woo, we're out there, this or that. It's really just about having that personal connection and enjoying the process. Can you give us one tip for making our home feel like a better space? Decorate with things that are part of you, or an extension of you. Decorate with your hobbies. We all go to home goods and we buy the same chotchki. And no, decorate and display your hobbies. So someone comes over, they're going to see the vintage camera that Cam picked up at a garage sale. And he's a photographer. They're going to see, in my case, the tarot decks, have your hobbies be part of the decor. I love that. Well, Kate, thank you so

much for joining us today. You give wonderful advice. I knew you would. But you surpassed even my high expectations. Oh, good. Amazing. I just love talking to Kate, as I'm sure you could tell. Talking to her always feels like being wrapped in a warm blanket. It feels so cozy. It feels so comfortable. It feels very safe. And I hope that you felt that way too while you were listening. Also, so many good nuggets in here. I'm definitely going to try the morning voice note. I thought that was such a brilliant idea. So many other ideas, but I'm going to try that one for sure. I'm so curious what you're going to try. If you sent in the questions that we gave advice on, I would love to hear your thoughts on our answer. So let me know. I'm so curious what

think. And if you are just listening and you have different thoughts on the advice that we gave or you would give different advice, we want to hear from you. So tag us on Instagram, screenshot the episode, and share your thoughts. Also, if you found anything in this episode valuable, if there's somebody that you think would benefit from these anxiety tools or the morning routine voice note or anything like that, anybody who's struggling with forgiving their parents or turning their trauma into their strength, please, please send them a link to this episode. There's so much good advice in this one, and I want everybody who can to be able to benefit. Also, it is the best way to support the podcast.

I get so many messages from all of you every single week telling me that you shared it on your works Slack channel or on your group chat with your friends or all these people that you've shared the episodes with. And I'm so appreciative. And just thank you, thank you, thank you for that. And if someone shared a link with you and you were new to the podcast, welcome. I'm so glad that you're here. Make sure that you are following the podcast.

on whatever platform that you like to listen on, all you have to do is go to the main podcast page. That's going to be the one that lists all of the Liz Moody podcast episodes. And you'll see the word follow under the logo on Spotify. And then there's a little follow with a plus sign button on the top right of that same page on Apple Podcasts. This way you'll not miss out on any new episodes. They'll appear right in your feed every single Wednesday and now, so exciting,

every other Monday. We have some great episodes coming up that you do not. want to miss. We have an episode about healing your stomach issues. And then another one that I'm really excited about that's about diving deep into navigating life after loss and grief. I know that is highly requested. So I'm very excited to share that wisdom and information with all of you. Okay. I love you so much. And I will see you on Wednesday for the next episode of the Liz Moody podcast. The number one rule of habits is to make the things that you want easier and the things that you don't want harder. Yet so many of us want to eat healthier, but so few of us.

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