The Liz Moody Podcast - Advice Ep! How To Navigate Money Anxiety, Life Timelines, & Childhood Trauma with Tara Schuster

Episode Date: February 27, 2023

The seventh episode of our advice series, where every single month, I’ll be joined by a new special guest and this month I am so excited to welcome my friend Tara Schuster to answer your questions. On this episode, we talk about:  a genius solution for dealing with money anxiety how to figure out who you are, at your core the first step to start healing your childhood trauma  how to successfully draw boundaries with toxic parental figures  when it’s time to actually cut off contact with someone (+ how to do it)  advice for being single in your 30s + how to navigate other life timelines how to become comfortable with uncertainty  how to make progress towards your dreams (despite the challenges of your daily reality) productivity tips to achieve your goals and so much more! For more from Tara, go to www.taraschuster.com and check out her brand new book, Glow In The F*cking Dark: Simple Practices to Heal Your Soul, from Someone Who Learned the Hard Way, which comes out February 28th, 2023.  To join the Healthier Together Podcast Club Facebook group, go to https://www.facebook.com/groups/healthiertogetherpodcast. Don’t forget to grab my brand new, limited edition Strawberry Black Pepper Cashew Butter from Ground Up! Use code LIZMOODY for 10% off anything on grounduppdx.com. This episode is sponsored by:  AG1 by Athletic Greens: visit athleticgreens.com/healthiertogether and get your FREE year supply of Vitamin D and 5 free travel packs today.  Olive and June: visit oliveandjune.com/HEALTHIER20 for 20% off your first Mani System.   Healthier Together cover art by Zack. Healthier Together music by Alex Ruimy. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello, friends, and welcome back to the Healthier Together podcast. I'm your host, Liz Moody, and I'm a best-selling author and long-time journalist. This podcast is all about helping you live your healthiest, happiest life, whether we're uncovering the best diet and lifestyle changes for longevity, learning how to figure out our personal style, or identifying the smartest ways to invest our money. And yes, those are all real episodes, so if any of those topics sound good to you, scroll on back in the archives. We are back today with another advice episode.

Every single month, I am joined by very special guests, and we answer all of your questions. If you haven't listened to last month's career-themed advice episode yet with Jacqueline Johnson, it is so good. We give an exact script for getting a raise. We share thoughts on having a side hustle plus side hustle ideas, talk about salary sharing and setting work-life boundaries, and so much more. You can always send any questions that you want answered all month long to ask at lizmoody.com. Or I'll be taking questions on Instagram the last week or so of every single month. So be on the lookout for that. It'll be in my stories.

Today, I am so excited to welcome my friend Tara Schuster to the podcast. Tara is the author of the incredible book, By Yourself, The Effing Lilies, which was a finalist for the Goodreads best nonfiction book of 2020. And it was selected by Cosmopolitan, Goop, Publishers Weekly, and many more as one of the year's best books on mental health and self-care. And her brand new book, which I feel so lucky that I've already gotten to read, is called Glow in the Effing Dark, Simple Practices to Kill Your Soul from Someone Who Learned the Hard Way.

It's going to change as many people's lives, if not more. You can find it wherever books are sold. You will want to get your hands on this one. Tara is also a very dear friend of mine, and it was so fun to basically get to record the type of conversation that we have all of the time anyway. We get into a genius solution for dealing with money anxiety. how to figure out who you are at your core. The first step to start healing your childhood trauma, how to successfully draw boundaries

with toxic parental figures, when it's time to actually cut off contact with someone and how to do it. Advice for being single in your 30s, plus how to navigate all the life timelines and all the shoulds that were told by the world all of the time. How to become comfortable with uncertainty. How to make progress towards your dreams, despite the challenges of your daily reality, productivity tips to achieve your goals, and so much more. As always, we would both love to hear your thoughts on the advice and your takes as you're listening.

So definitely screenshot and tag us on Instagram. I'm at Liz Moody and Tara is at Tara Schuster. And if you love this conversation or a piece of Tara's wonderful advice really resonates with you, please, please, please share it with a friend or a family member. Just shoot them a link. I feel like so many of the topics in this one from the money stuff to the family stuff to the dating stuff. is so relatable. Sharing is the best way to support the podcast and you all ask such thoughtful and interesting questions. So I think this episode will really help a lot of people. And quickly,

before we get into it, I wanted to remind you that the nut butter flavor that I created with Ground Up, which is one of my absolute favorite companies around, is now available for purchase. Groundup has an amazing mission. They provide job skills and individual training to women overcoming adversity who have a desire to work but don't have employment opportunities. Together, we went back and forth for literally more than six months creating this flavor, and we did so many iterations until we had a product that I was 100% satisfied with, both in terms of what's on the ingredient list and also what it tastes like. And the result is unreal.

It is a strawberry black pepper nut butter, and I have never tasted anything like it. It is a little sweet because of the strawberry. It's a little savory because of the black pepper. It has these crunchy bits of freeze-dried strawberry that make the texture so unbelievably satisfying. And because it has both savory and sweet notes, you can use it for so many different things. You can spread it on toast. You can dip fruit in it. You can make a delicious salad dressing with it.

You can use it to make a strawberry black pepper version of my best healthy cookies, which I have done several times now, and I, 10 out of 10 recommend it. We are doing a super limited run that's 100% going to sell out. So stock up now. I recommend getting a few jars and then just keeping them in the fridge because you are going to miss this flavor when it is gone. And of course, they gave me a special code to share with you. Go to Groundup PDX and use code Liz Moody for 10% off any of the nutbutters on their site. So if you want to try any of their other flavors, now is a good time for that too.

Again, that is code Liz Moody on grounduppdx.com. Go stock up. I do not want you to miss out. Okay, let's get right into it with the wonderful Tara Schuster. Tara, welcome back to the podcast. Your first episode is how we became friends in addition to being one of my favorite episodes I've ever put out. So it's such an honor to have you back.

Thank you for having me back that first episode. That was also one of the first podcasts I was ever on. and then to become good friends with you from it, it's been this really cool journey with you. It was so fun to read about the parts in the book where you're like ballot curing in Arizona. And I was like, oh my gosh, I was there for that. Yeah, we were having dinner talking about ballot curing. And then I gave you addresses to go help with the ballot curing. I also love that you can see, oh, yeah, all this stuff happened.

I was there for it. Yes, I can attest that everything in the book, actually did happen. And I can attest that you're as magical as you come across in the book. And I cannot wait to dive into some of your wisdom today. So I would love to start. We love very actionable tools and tips on this podcast. And you share a very raw and intimate look at your journey in the book, but you also share these very actionable tools and habits and things we can incorporate to change our lives. So I would love to just kick us off with you sharing one or two of your favorite tactics that we could experiment with. Absolutely. That's definitely my whole thing too. I think that's where we have

a lot of overlap is I don't care about theories from on high. It's like when someone says, feel joy in a self-help book and you're like, cool, what are steps one through five? Yeah, I want that, but how? And so for me, you know, this whole book is about a journey of emotional liberation, truly finding freedom from the things that you think you'll never find freedom from. And one of the one of the things that one of the One of the things I found after I wrote Lilies, I was stable. I was baseline stable. Hallelujah. Who knew that was even possible. But I never felt safe. I always felt 10 out of 10 anxious. You know, I wake up with terrible anxiety. When you'd hear a trash can lid go down like a tin trash can lid, I would startle. I was always in this hyper vigilant state. And my friends would always remark at how brave I was because I would go on. on these solo expeditions. When I was in Arizona and we were visiting with each other, I packed up, moved to Arizona within 48 hours and was totally alone on this election

kick, also trying to find my soul journey. So my friends would always be like, you're so brave. And I'm like, this doesn't feel weird to me. It doesn't feel weird for me to put my body in danger. It doesn't feel weird for me. What are you guys even talking about? And it wasn't until I was camping solo in Zion. and I went to a takeout restaurant because my definition of camping is very loose.

To be honest, I had a queen-size inflatable mattress. My camping is not the normal camping. So I go to this restaurant and I'm sitting next to this dad with his family and he's saying to his sons, tomorrow we're going to go canyoneering. I've never been canyering. I don't know anything about it. But I hired someone to help us. So even when you're scared, you're going to be safe.

When I heard those words was just, wait, what? Parents assure their kids that they're going to be safe. And they take the necessary actions, actually hire someone to make sure their kids are safe. And it was one of those moments where my whole perspective changed that how I was feeling actually didn't need to be. I didn't need to feel unsafe at all times. That wasn't a baseline human thing. And that in order to find safety, I'd have to find it for myself. Where I find a source of safety is in journaling.

Because, you know, I've written a lot about journaling in the past. But for me, my journaling practice has become so much deeper because I see it as a physical place that is only mine. Nobody gets to comment. Nobody gets to judge. I get to DM with my innermost self hearing the things that I need to hear. It's a place where I can proclaim my power, my dreams, my darkest, scariest thoughts. It's for me and only for me.

And I think we all, particularly today, need a sense of safety in a world that is so chaotic and unreliable. And we're not even talking about the systematic ways in which different people in this country are completely unsafe or in this world. This is just my experience of having grown up in a neglectful, psychologically abusive household. So I know that we all have shades of this. There's some incident, accident, whatever that happened to you or very real world event like the planet is burning to the ground. If you feel unsafe right now, there's a very good reason why you feel unsafe. And so journaling is just something

where you can reclaim your agency and tell your own story. And every day you can come back to it. And there's nothing like a reliable habit to make you feel safe and comfortable and scheduled, safety and even knowing that that's what you're going to do tomorrow morning. So I'd say that's still my number one self-care healing tool. It's just much deeper now. Does it matter if the thing that you journal every day is, I hate my job. I'm trapped in my life. I feel unsafe.

I have so much trauma. Does it need to be affirmation based? Does it need to be shifting your perspective in that way? or can you journal on how hard everything feels? You can journal on all of it, how hard everything feels. There's actually a lot of science behind this. And the recommendation is that at a minimum, you journal three times a week for 15 minutes. And that, no matter what, will bring you some relief.

And how I've deepened my own practice is in the book, I have an emotion wheel, which is no new thing. Emotion wheels have existed forever. They show you the full range. range of emotions you could feel because if you're anything like me, all I had the vocabulary for was good, bad, sad, tired. Those were the words to describe my dynamic experience on planet earth. And it wasn't until I was exposed to an emotion wheel where I actually saw, wow, I'm not anxious. I'm furious. I'm not depressed. I'm in very real and earned sorrow. And so

in glow in the fucking dark, I provide an emotion wheel because that's another deepening practice towards safety, is just recognizing how you actually feel labeling it. There is such power in labeling it. And also, if you actually know how you feel, if it's not exhausted but disappointed, you can do something about it. But if you're just in a wash of emotion and cannot really articulate exactly what's going on for you, it's really hard to reclaim your agency and do anything about it. So you could journal anything. And my big recommendation would be do it with an emotion wheel. If not mine, just Google it. And just start off with, I am experiencing frustration today and go from there. It's hard at first, actually, because we're so not used to acknowledging how we feel.

And we have lost the vocabulary if we ever had it to begin with because I don't remember in elementary school anybody talking to me about any of my feelings or what to do with them. So just starting by how do I feel today. And then I also like to write how it feels in my body, anxiety, heart racing, stomach churning, because it makes it easier and easier for me to recognize when I'm feeling a certain way in my day-to-day life. I can really much better now feel, oh, I'm not operating from my innermost self. I'm from my scared, nervous fear self right now. Let me take a break and have a little safety. Let me come back home to me, which I can't do all the time. I do not want to lie. I

cannot do that all the time. But the fact that I can do it some of the time, hallelujah, thank you God. One of the things in my life I'm the happiest about, because it just shows you can grow. And these tools do work. I want to get into the listener questions in a second. But just what we're talking about safety, one of the most striking parts of the book for me was when you talked about your sense of not feeling safe about money and your journey towards feeling safe about money. It is a huge source of anxiety for me, money.

And like you, a lot of that stems from my childhood. A lot of that doesn't really align with reality. Can you share a little bit about your money journey and maybe some things that have been really helpful for you for getting over that hump and feeling more money safe? Absolutely. And thank you for asking this question because this is one that I just want to shout from the rooftops because I know from my own experience, we are all thinking about money all the friggin' time.

And yet we don't know what to do with these feelings and thoughts and nobody else is saying them out loud. So it's sort of like this just weird program running in the background of everything you do. So I grew up in a house that was like boom and bust economies. So one minute, we're going to Hawaii. We're going to order the most expensive stuff. We'll be there for 10 days. The next minute, Tara, you can't go to the dentist.

Come to find out we're like dodging bills from this orthodontist. So we switched to this dentist. You know, my mom drove a Mercedes. But I witnessed the car repossession when I was under 10. Our house was foreclosed on. And for my dad in particular, money was the only. marker of success as a human. So he put a lot of money stress on me saying, this deal blew up. I don't know what we're going to do. We're doomed. We're never going to make it. You know, again, back to that safety thing,

my parents never said anything like, hey, we'll probably be okay. But at least we love each other. It was just doom, gloom. And so how I came out of my childhood was thinking that I was doomed financially and that I couldn't afford the basics in life, like toilet paper. I was a full-blown adult working at Comedy Central. And I once stole toilet paper from a restaurant because I was so freaked out thinking I was going to lose all my money. And then there was nothing wrong. There was no reality about why I was going to lose all my money.

It was just this trauma response. And what I write about in the book is when you feel yourself 10 out of 10, anxious about something that doesn't match up with reality. There's a great phrase. It's, if it's hysterical, it's historical. And it's like, oh, I'm having a response to something from way back when. So I really had to work on my relationship with money. And in the book, I call it money sick, because I came to believe, just like the term dope sick, that without money, I could not leave a fulfilling life. I could not feel joy. I could not feel happiness. And my goal in terms of of what I wanted to make was infinity.

There was no number that was enough. And so if your goal is infinity, you are always going to come up short. There is no way to live a satisfied life if infinity is the goal. You know, it came to a head. I was trying to order takeout food in the pandemic. And I was on this app. I was trying to order Pad CU. And it was $18.

And I just started crying because I didn't know if I could afford this $18 pad CO. First off, I felt humiliated because I have enormous privilege, lots of resources, nothing was immediately going to hurt me, and I felt like my life was in danger. That was real. And so I thought, okay, I really need to dig into this. The first thing I did was seek out people who knew more about money than me. So that meant a couple things.

One, I just looked at my network, and I had a friend named Kay, who I knew used to work in financial industry. He started mentoring me. I had a rich friend who I knew had a money advisor. She recommended me to him. He taught me. They gave me books. I started reading just like you would any other topic. I started following Instagram accounts that didn't seem like a bunch of charlatans trying to sell me crypto. You know, it seemed like legit money education. And I just started educating myself because what I realized was everything was fear and loss-based. My attitude towards money had nothing to do with reality and there was no room for abundance. There was no thought of, wow, I'm going to be fine and maybe even better than fine. It was all about loss. And with a lot of

work, with a lot of journaling on this, with a lot of educating myself on this, I cannot believe how far I've come. Today, I can order takeout no problem. No problem whatsoever. And it sounds silly, except I really was operating from a place of total and utter fear to the point that my first financial advisor, she said to me, do you know who talks about money the way you talk about money? I was like, who? She said, people who survived the Great Depression. You know, that's one of those record scratch like wait that's how I talk and so to go from that to I deserve the basics I can afford the basics I work really hard so that I'm not constantly struggling and that's a miracle first off because I was just born to a set of circumstances that made that possible wow hallelujah for me to

feel any kind of terror is not only not necessary but ungrateful so my number one tip would be educate yourself. You know, there are great books, and I'm happy to share them. A random walk down Wall Street is basic investing, understanding the stock market. There's just such good resources out there. Do you have favorite Instagram account that you follow? Yeah. So one Instagram account I really like is called So Money. She really just breaks it down for you and makes it bite size information because part of the problem with the financial industry is they want to use big words. It's in their best interest if you don't understand. And if you think it's like mega complex and you need their help, you don't really. And another one I would say is Mrs. Dow Jones I really like.

But there's information out there. And the quicker you start learning, the quicker you can shed your fears. Yeah, absolutely. You have something in the book that's very similar to one of my life mottoes, which is that action is the antidote to anxiety. It's something like just do something right now, whatever you can possibly do. That's the way to start pushing in the direction of feeling better. And yes, you're not going to solve climate change, but you're going to feel better for taking action. Totally. And you know how you're really not going to solve climate change? If you're absolutely anxious and have never flexed your muscle of agency. So it's this term called learn helplessness. when we see, oh, I can't help with that big problem, so I won't. Oh, and so I can't. It becomes this

self-fulfilling prophecy. So in whatever little ways we can flex our power, exactly what you're saying with anxiety, we build our muscles to really claim our power because we're each so much more powerful than we think, you know, which is not something I want printed on a mug and put on a poster in my room. I mean it. You hold so much power. We're just constantly told that we don't have a voice. The system's too big. You can't do anything. And then you feel so overwhelmed that you don't.

And so we really need to, as a whole, come out from under that. I absolutely love that. I agree wholeheartedly and completely. When you think about strength and resilience, like your ability to feel energized, to recover well, to stay strong as you get older, what do you think that actually comes from? Most people say working out are good nutrition. And yes, of course that matter. but there is a biological foundation underneath all of that that most people are completely

overlooking. I have been diving deep into this lately with the team at timeline and what I've learned has genuinely shifted how I think about my own health. Every single movement that your body makes every step, every workout, every muscle contraction depends on energy produced at the cellular level. And at the center of that is your mitochondria. Here's the thing that nobody tells you, certainly nobody told me, starting around age 30, are mitochondrial. naturally become less efficient. More get damaged, more become sluggish, and over time that impacts your energy, your strength, your recovery, and your resilience.

Most of us respond by pushing more. We're like noticing these things and we're adding in more protein. We're trying to fix it with more supplements. We're trying to do harder workouts. And those things do help. But timelines research suggests that we also need to be supporting the cellular machinery underneath. And that is exactly what their supplement mitopure does.

It contains urolithin A, which helps your body clear out damage mitochondria and support healthier ones so that your cells can produce energy more efficiently. Because this is happening to your cells, it's going to impact your entire body, your immune system, your muscles. One study found that taking mitochondria increased muscle strength by 12% in four months with no change in exercise routine, it's going to impact your energy, your sleep, your skin, your cell health impacts all of this, and uralithin A keep. your cells healthy. Timeline has done over 15 years of research and testing on this one product,

Eurolythine, which, by the way, most of us lack the gut bacteria to synthesize naturally. That's why many of us need to supplement it to get the benefits. This has become a staple supplement for me. It is my top way to support how I want to look and feel as I age. Support your cells and how you age with mitopure gummies from Timeline. Visit Timeline.com slash Liz and save up to 39% on your Midopear Gummies. That is timeline.com slash Liz. When it comes to wellness, you're going to get the best results by focusing on the big needle movers. A lot of us spend a lot of time trying to optimize that last 1%, which creates a ton of stress and it actually doesn't help our help that much. At the top of the needle mover list, sleep. And one of the best ways to optimize your sleep is to

optimize your mattress, which is why I love avocado green mattress so much. First of all, this mattress is so comfortable. I have the one with the pillow top, which is medium firm, and it's just a dream. I miss it when I travel. It's better than even the fanciest hotel beds. Having a mattress that supports your joints and your body and feels good is going to help you get more sleep and better quality sleep. But then, on top of that, avocado mattresses are made with certified organic cotton, wool, and latex, and they are made safe and Greenguard Gold Certified. They're also Okotech certified, which is the gold standard. I look for it in any mattresses, sheets or towels that I buy, which means the materials have been rigorously tested for harmful

substances. You can actually look for the Okotech standard 100 label right on the product, and I love this part. It includes a traceable certificate number and the name of the testing lab so you know exactly what you're getting. There are no toxic chemicals. There's no harmful off gassing. It does not smell like it's going to kill you when you unbox it. This is what I mean. I'm not going to swap out all of my clothing, which is that top 1% of optimization. But by making sure that my mattress and my bedding are as good for me as possible, I literally reduce my exposure during a third of my life, which is a huge needle mover for a one-time swap. I will also note, and this is a me thing, but I sleep super hot and avocado's materials are really breathable, and it makes me sweat the

least of any mattress that I have slept on. And avocado is a certified B-Corp and a 1% for the planet member because caring for yourself and caring for the planet do not have to be separate things. You can get up to 20% off organic mattresses and more by shopping Avocados President's Day Sale right now at avocadogreenmatress.com. That is avocado greenmatress.com. No code needed. Okay. I want to get into some of the listener questions because people had such good questions. And I know everybody wants your advice because you're just that cool, wise, big sister that we all wish we had, you know. Okay, I'm 27 years old and I have no idea who I am. I don't really know what I like to do or who I like to hang out with. I feel like I've been living by other people's desires and needs

for so long that I have completely lost sight of my own. How do I start to figure out who I am? I think this is probably the most common question that I hear. So first off, you're so not alone. And it doesn't even matter age. I've had people in their 70s ask me this question. So also good on you for being so young and tackling this now. The major thing is to pay attention to your life. For a long time, my life was happening to me. I felt like I was not the narrator. I felt like I was just a witness to my life. And I hate to say it, but journaling is a really powerful way to start narrating and to start noticing how you actually feel. And once you start noticing how you actually feel, you start to notice what you actually like.

and what you actually don't like. And those elements get you towards essential self. And in my new book, Glow, the biggest motif of it is we are all made of stardust. And again, I don't mean that in a cheesy written in like big script letters in a yoga studio. I mean literally the carbon in your muscles, the iron in your blood comes from stars. So when I feel like, I don't know who I am and I don't know what I'm doing, I remember, oh, actually, scientifically, factually, essential me is stardust. And that always brings me back because I don't need to believe some story about I'm good enough. Like sometimes it's impossible for me to believe that.

But this like scientific fact that that's in essential me, that really helps. So I would say finding something like that that kind of reminds you of, oh, you do have an essential self. And it's pretty cool. And really noting how you feel what you like, what you don't like, that's the key to finding essential self and to realizing even how you want to live your life. And it happens step by step. You can't start journaling today and next week you find it.

No. But over time, it definitely worked for me. The thing I like about that is a technique is that I feel like one of the problems here, right, is that we spend so much time listening to the voices of other people, whether they're in the form of social media or what magazines are telling us or the subliminal messages of movies and TV shows or what our friends, our family, people in our actual lives are saying. And what journaling is forcing you to do essentially is to add your own narrative to the mix. So you're not just living by other people's narratives. At a bare minimum, you're inserting your own narrative as well. And then I think the hope is over time that narrative starts to grow and grow, become more

confident and starts to eclipse maybe the other people's narratives. Absolutely. And it's just practice. If anything, it's a practice towards self-awareness. Just even what is going on in my life? because if you don't pay attention and take a moment, which journaling gives you, thank God, how would you even know who you were? Like you were saying, Liz, with all the different voices and pressures, I just don't even

know how it would be possible if you didn't have some kind of practice where you can step back and pay attention to yourself. I feel like you had some questions in the book that would be really helpful as thought starters for getting to know yourself. I feel like there was one about what your childhood sucks. self-liked and stuff like that. This is some of my favorite tools in the book because I thought that I had no essential self and that if I did, she was lost or I messed her up too badly and she was injured and I couldn't trust her. So for me, a big thing was how do I trust my essential self? How do I trust my intuition?

And so I just started experimenting. And, you know, this is, I feel like cliche now, but I put a picture of me when I was a kid that feels very me on my desk so that she would be with me all the time. Every time I wrote, I was reminded, oh, that's who I was once. And I started picking little favorite items of clothing from her. Like, I loved leopard print. Just loved leopard print when I was little. So I started incorporating, you know, a leopard print cardigan into my life. I think I bought it at Old Navy. That wasn't like a huge investment, but it honored a piece of who I was. It brought a piece of who I was to the present. So if you have anything that you just absolutely loved as a kid, I would recommend bringing that back into your life. To some extent, you know, I would also ask yourself, what was little me

like? What was I like? And describe that person. And maybe even after you've described who that person was how they felt, what they wanted, what did they want to be. I boiled down that whole person to three words, glittery, trusting, enthusiastic. If I had to boil everything down, those are the three words that best describe the most essential me. And then when I go through my days now, I kind of think about those words. Am I living in a glittering, trusting, enthusiastic way? because I know that's what feels the best. And for some people, they have real trouble with this because their childhoods were so bad that there was never a moment where they felt like they were enough or like there was an

essential self. And for those people, what I would recommend is, first off, I'm just going to give you a hug virtually. That is terrible. Second off, you definitely do have a stardust essential self. Third, what would you want it to be? What would you just want your essential self to be and start writing about people who you admire or even things that just bring you any spark of joy, the sunlight, being in the ocean, anything?

And from generating that list, I would say, come up with three words that just really jump out at you and try to incorporate those into your daily life. But the book has a lot more questions like that, but those are the ones that I have found particularly helpful. I'm working on something similar in therapy right now where I feel like because a lot of my childhood was spent with my parents using me as a tool for their particular needs at those moments, I didn't have a lot of time to figure out what was fun and joyful and happy for me as a kid. And as a result, as an adult, I'm like, what is fun and joyful and happy for me now? So my therapist was like, what is one thing you can just assuredly say that about? And I was

like spending time in nature, hands down. When I'm hiking, I feel so peaceful in a way that I don't feel in the rest of my life. But that's not enough. I's like, I can't live my life hiking all the time. And she was like, yes, but when you lean into the one thing you know, you get more confident in that ability to trust what you do know and trust those parts of yourself as you explore and discover yourself. There's nothing wrong with just picking that one thing, picking your leopard sweater, or for me going on a hike and being like, okay, I know this. Let me lean into this as hard as I possibly can. And then from there, we'll grow. We'll build on that. Absolutely. And also, just as you start to practice, it's one step at a time. Other things will reveal themselves. And one of the main takeaways I've had is we can't hate our way into healing. We can't bully ourselves, you know, into feeling better. Really, and we can't rush it. We absolutely. cannot rush healing these wounds. So we need to be gentle. So something like that, discovering that nature does it for you. Wow. Great job. Amazing. You found one thing. Hallelujah. Hug. Kiss.

Celebration. And isn't it so interesting that I was immediately like, oh, that's not enough. One thing isn't enough that I can't possibly start from there. That should be celebrated. That's awesome. Yeah. Good work. Because there's so many of us who can't find anything. So good work, Liz. Keep it up. So start small and give yourself love on the journey. Okay. Next one.

I feel like you're going to have many thoughts on this. Any advice for how to deal with loving slash caring parents who have subconscious toxic traits that have caused trauma your whole life and still are? But they're very stubborn to change or respect boundaries. I don't want to cut them out, but I need to protect my. energy. Topic I would know nothing about, given that I've written two books basically on this subject. The first thing I would say is take care of yourself. It's now cliche, but you really do have to put your oxygen mask on first. And when I hear people say things like, but I don't

want to cut them out of my life, but they're ruining my life, but I don't want to cut them out of my life. Why? And does quote unquote cutting them out of your life mean forever? Or can you take a pause to do some work on yourself? And I, about 15 years ago, stopped speaking to my mother because she was so psychologically abusive that I really felt like it was my life or hers. And in these 15 years, you know, it didn't happen overnight, but I've really begun to feel compassion for her. and forgiveness because now that I'm a real adult, when I look at how she treated me, I'm just like, wow, how much did it hurt her to hurt me? What was going on in her mind? That is nowhere I would ever want to be. And so, you know, that would not have been possible had I just continued in the same

pattern with her. For sure, that is how I felt with my mom and with my dad. I actually stopped speaking to him at the beginning of COVID because I was just done taking care of his emotions and knew that I needed space. And again, I didn't say to him, this is forever. It just, I love you. And right now, I need space because this is grinding down our relationship. It is not useful. So it didn't speak to him. Two years later, he got COVID. And for me, I was just, obviously, I'm back in. Back in the game. I'm here for you. Let me help. And what I found out was that in those two years, he had started going to therapy to answer the question, why is my daughter not speaking to me? And he was almost a completely different person

to the point where we call this version of my dad, dad too. And dad too does wild things, like thank me if I help him or tell me he's proud of me, you know, or will let me have an emotion. And that would have never have happened if I hadn't drawn a boundary. And I'm not saying people will change just because you made a boundary. In fact, I think that's pretty rare. But if you don't make a line in the sand boundary, why would anyone treat you any differently than they do? What reason would they have to change?

And so you can kind of flip this. It's a kindness that you do to others to draw a boundary. because the only way they're going to grow or change is if there is some consequence for their behavior. So I really encourage people not to see this as black and white, not to see this as, well, if I don't talk to my mom for these three months, then I'm never talking to her again. That's such a big deal. It's really not. If it's to save the relationship, are you willing to sacrifice a little bit of discomfort for much bigger gains? It's a lot better and a lot less scary on the other side.

Do you have any advice for having that initial conversation if you're worried about hurting the other person's feelings? Yeah. Well, the first thing would be to do some work on yourself and remember that you're not responsible for anybody else's feelings. You're not responsible for how your parents take your words. You're not responsible for their reactions. You can't be. In fact, they're grown adults and they're in charge of their feelings. own emotions. So one, I would get really clear on that. And two, I think it's a kind and honest

conversation. What I said to my dad is, I love you so much. And the way our relationship is going is just grinding down the love. And it stresses me out when I see your name pop up on my screen. And I don't want it to be this way. And so I'm going to take a break from our relationship so I can work on myself. It all came from a place of love. I wasn't like, screw you, dad. I'm never talking to you again. I explained to him, I love you.

And in order for me to show up in this relationship, this is the work I have to do. And then it gives the other person the opportunity to do whatever work they need to do as well. So kindness and honesty, we get so scared of having uncomfortable conversations. but if we approach them with kindness and honesty, I mean, I've rarely had something go wrong if I did that. I love that. Okay. My boyfriend stays in contact with his ex-wife. They have no kids.

And they talk weekly. When I brought it up, he got very defensive. It bothers me a lot. Is it wrong for me to be jealous or bothered? Oh, my God. No. I would be so annoyed. In fact, I recently went on a first date.

where the guy mentioned his ex seven times. And that was just when I started counting, seven times for when I started counting. And then he mentioned that he had joint custody of their dogs. And I was like, well, peace out. You're still in a relationship. That is a full-blown. You're in something with this person. And the stakes were low because it was a first date.

But it's actually not normal to be in constant contact with an ex, particularly if the person you're dating is uncomfortable with it. So what I might say to the boyfriend would be something like, hey, can you help me out here? When you talk to your ex, it makes me tell myself a story of you're still interested in her, you want to get back together with her, whatever it is, and just say, can you help me out with that? Can you let me know what's going on for you? Or how does that land for you? Because maybe, first off, When you frame things as, can you help me? People generally want to help you. You know, it's not an attack. There's nothing for him to get defensive about. You just said, can you help me? I'm believing these stories.

And see what he has to say, you know? And if he gets super defensive about that kind of statement, I think that's a giant red flag, first off. But see if you can have a conversation from that place of this issue has sprung up. I am hurting. Can you help me through this? And see, what happens. What are your thoughts on staying in touch with exes generally? Not great. This is the major red flag for anyone dating me is that I don't have good relationships with basically any of my exes. Two, yes, the rest, no. So that's not great, but I don't think it's natural. For example, to continue to follow your ex on any social media is just wild to me. That's like the most unnatural thing. nowhere in the human psyche have we been prepared for now look at your ex every day leading such a happy life.

No one had to do that before 10 years ago. So first off, I'm like, unfollow, unfollow, unfollow. I think occasional contact is fine, but it is weird because what's going on? And the person you're with, I don't care who they are, is not going to appreciate it. So do you want to live in the past with your ex or do you want to live in the future with this new person you're dating? So I'm not a fan of keeping in touch with the exes. I agree. Although I don't know, there's part of me that also finds it a green flag that somebody would be able to maintain a relationship, not like a deep, intimate personal. Like if you're calling your ex to talk about your

problems instead of talking about them with me, I think that's a huge problem. But something feels emotionally evolved about being able to maintain that relationship in a healthy way, it feels mature in a way. Well, I agree in theory. I agree that that would be. But I've just so rarely seen that be the case. Mostly, when this question comes up, one person really, really doesn't like it. The other person is defensive and for some reason wants to hang on to something that is hurting their current partner. So I totally agree. It would be amazing if you could. And maybe there are some people, even then I would say occasional contact. It would be weird to be texting your ex, even in the best of circumstances. Well, and the social media thing is such a good point. I've never

thought about that, that we have never before in history been able to be privy to essentially every life choice that our ex has made after we break up. It is wild that we don't question how insane that is. It's so weird. The very first step after a breakup is unfollow, unfollow, unfollow, unfollow. Because we are not set up psychologically as humans to have to have somebody that we love, that we were intimate with, just brought into our faces like 24 hours a day on a scroll when people are like, oh, but that's so dramatic. I'm like, really? That's so dramatic. Again, you know, it kind of is just social media. It's not like some ancient tradition we all have. We don't need to treat it quite so seriously. Yeah, absolutely. And I think the bottom line, which is what you said, if you're deprioritizing your current relationship in favor of a past relationship, that is where it is just inherently problematic. Like this person, this listener is basically saying, it bothers me. If it bothers your partner, you should always be choosing your current partner because that's the relationship that should on the hierarchy be higher up.

Yeah. And if you're in a relationship where you feel uncomfortable saying something like that, that is also a giant red flag that you cannot express your emotions, that you're afraid of what the consequences will be if you say you're hurt. What I've come to learn is that when I can't be myself with my partner, when I feel like if I say the wrong thing, he's just going to dump me or think I'm too needy or think I'm emotional, I'm with the wrong guy. because I am emotional and I want my feelings to be protected. And so it doesn't serve me to be with somebody who won't honor how I feel if I come to them with kindness and asking for help, you know, not coming and screaming at the person. It's such a core element of dating that we're not

looking for somebody that we can walk on eggshells around and impress for the rest of our lives. We're looking for somebody that we are matched with. We're looking for something. We're looking for somebody who sees who we are and loves that person. So the more you are preventing yourself from showing who you are, the more you're getting in the way of finding the person who is the best match for you. Absolutely. And I'd also say the quicker you can do this, the better. Very recently, I went on a date and the date was amazing and we were texting every day after. And then I didn't hear from the guy for two days. So normally it would be fine, right? We'd just been on one date, but it was the change in behavior. It was like so stark and it made me really anxious. Like,

wait, what happened? Is he not into me anymore? Then I start spinning stories about, well, he must be dating someone else. Maybe he doesn't like me. And so the first time ever, I just texted him, hey, haven't heard from you in a couple days. And if you've lost interest, that's totally fine. I would just love to know. It was the craziest thing for me because normally I would just go to my cool, girl plateau where I'm like, whatever, I'll just wait for him to text me and I'll pretend like I don't care. He immediately called me to say, no, no, no, there are massive layoffs at my company. I'm so distracted. When do you actually want to be texted? How much communication do you need? My mind was blown, right? If I hadn't said anything, I would have been just spinning stories in my

head and I would have missed out on an opportunity to see that this guy actually could maybe grow with me and maybe we could actually have great communication together instead of me stewing in my brain. So the quicker you can say something and start to practice, it's really hard to speak out when you've never spoken out before. So as quickly as you can to start practicing saying how you feel and seeing that like it's not the end of the world and if it is the end of a relationship, that's not a relationship you want to be in. Yeah. If they can't deal with your feelings after one date,

they're probably not going to be able to deal with your feelings after 10 years. Exactly. Okay. Another dating one. I am 38 and I'm terrified that I will never meet the love of my life. I do all of the right things and I work on self-love, but I also want a life partner and I am sick of people telling me that I should be able to love myself into not wanting that.

Any advice? First off, no one knows anything and stop listening. to other people. You know, they don't know. They're lying. They just said some stuff because they thought it would sound good to you. No thanks. Except for this podcast. Well, this podcast is not a friend. We're telling stories from our lives, tools that have helped us, and you're welcome to take from it anything that works for you. But a friend giving me unsolicited advice about how I just need to love on myself more. Gross. No thanks. So I'm actually working with a matchmaker right now. Liz introduced me to Logan Yuri, who is fantastic and has a fantastic book on dating. And Logan introduced me to this

woman named Sophie Love, who's a professional matchmaker. I'm now on this whole matchmaking journey. I'm off the apps and I've decided I am not going back on the apps ever again. I'm going to meet my person in real life or through matchmaking. And the number one takeaway I have is there are so many more fish in the sea. I thought there were none. I went to this running club because I figured that would be a good place to meet men. I met four guys the first time I went because guys want connection too. They're having the same problems we're having of like the apps not working, feeling like there's nobody out there for you. So I'm trying to go to events where I think we have a common interest.

But I would just say, don't lose hope. Don't listen to other people. Just trust. I actually know this for a fact. There are more men out there. You have not exhausted the pool. And when stuff hurts, treat yourself like the precious object you are. You really have to be gentle with yourself and not beat yourself up for.

why am I still single? Why am I the only one who doesn't have a date to a wedding? So it's a tricky one, particularly in a society where basically all we celebrate about women are things tied to marriage or babies. There's no celebration for your promotion or anything going well other than you're having a baby. You got married. So there's just so much pressure on all of us to begin with. But if you take anything away from this message. It's stop listening to your well-meaning friends and believe that there are more fish in the sea. Because you kind of have to believe that. Because if you go through life with a filter of everybody's already taken, you're not going to see anybody because you believe that. So it's kind of just opening up your mind a little too. I bet your person

has been busy working on themselves, just like you have been busy working on yourself. So it makes sense. You just guys haven't met yet. You've been doing the work separately. So it's going to be that much better when you do meet and come together. I very rarely get genuinely excited about skincare, but this is one of the most innovative products that I have come across in years. And I'm so obsessed with it. I've been telling all of my friends to get it. So now I need to tell you guys. Here's some science first. Your skin isn't just getting older. It's being actively broken down by something called senescent cells. These are cells that have stopped functioning but refused to die. They sit there releasing inflammatory.

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everything up for a limited time, get 15% off with code Liz at oneskin.co slash Liz. Again, that's 15% off at oneskin.com with code Liz. I'm genuinely confused how masterclass gets literally the absolute top people in every single field to teach every single one of their classes. I use it when I want to learn things directly, like the cooking class from Thomas Keller, has all of the wisdom that you would normally have to go to culinary school for. But also, I'm being honest, this is like a use case I don't hear a lot of people talking about.

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The first is I definitely have friends who live in major metropolitan areas. And they're like, I have swiped through every single person in this entire area. Like there are no people of the gender that I'm interested. in available in this entire million and a half city. And I'm like, that is literally impossible. Like, you have not gone on dates with 200,000 people, like, or whatever the statistics are around that. So, yes, there are more fish in the sea. Second, I think there are huge advantages to meeting your life partner later in your life because of what you just said. Because Zach and I, we met so young. We were 21 years old. And we were able to grow.

and evolve and learn together. But I think that's the exception, not the rule. And I am often jealous of people who get to fully form themselves, who know what they want, what they like, what they want their lives to look like, how to fight well, how to love well, all of these things that we've been muddling through together as we've grown up. These people know these things about themselves. And then they get the privilege of meeting other people who also know these things about themselves. And I think that is a beautiful thing and often makes for healthier, happier relationships. So in some ways, I think it's a gift to be able to meet your partner later. But then that brings me to my last point and my question, which is, do you think that we need

to make peace with the idea that we can live a happy life without a partner because this is something that's outside of our control? Or do you think we need to always have the belief that we will meet a partner, which is the better strategy? So funny, you ask, because I was thinking about this this morning, which is, is it better to just accept, okay, what if I'm never going to have a partner? I need to make my life as full as possible. Like, let's just say that's true. Then what would my life look like and what would I do? And I think it's kind of an impossible question because as humans, we're social beings. We want connection. We want love. So, something I try to do is just not focus so much on romantic love, but focus on the love of my friends,

the love of my family, the love I have for myself in order to cultivate it and just have more love around me recently. And what that looks like is going to people's events that I usually am like, oh, God, no. There was a book signing this weekend of a friend of mine and it was an hour away across town. And part of me was like, oh, I really don't want to go. I don't want to get put on clothes. No. Part of me was like, I love her. Let me go. Let me go. I love her. So I'm just going to show up for her. And sure enough, I go, it's beautiful. I meet somebody that I've wanted to meet for years. This really cool podcaster was there. The only way I would have met her was by following my relationship, who I love. And so I don't think there's a good answer to, is it okay just to be

alone and to be happy with being alone because of the biology here and because of evolution? You know what I mean? Like, I don't think there's a totally satisfying answer. I think it's somewhere between the two of those, but where I've noticed where I've been able to relax the most is when I call in all the love I do have and follow the activities that lead to love, supporting people, showing up for them, trying to go on hikes with them, trying to keep up my relationships. That's where I find more and more love in my own life. Okay.

I love that. It's a yes and type of approach to the question. Absolutely. And make your life as amazing as it possibly could be in current conditions. You don't have to have a romantic partner to go to the movies, have dinner, go on a trip. We really have to deprogram ourselves of those thoughts that we need somebody in order to do these public things that we want to do. I love going out to dinner by myself. It is one of my favorite activities.

It was probably my favorite part of traveling by myself is it got really solidified into me. Going out to dinner with a good book, the good book is critical because then you're not just like sitting there staring around. can take a moment, take in the atmosphere, but the book is your date. And I absolutely love it. I get to do it on work trips now, too. And it feels delicious. It feels like the most beautiful self-care, savory moment with yourself that exists. I love it. Yes. Yes. And if you are single, it is a great conversation starter for somebody else to come up to you. Oh, hey, what are you reading? I usually bring a journal. What are you writing about? I have gotten so many dates off of that. Yeah. And such a good reason to not be on your phone too, like to actually have something that you're

engaging with that somebody else can comment with versus being like, hey, I see you're scrolling Instagram. How's that going for you? You know? And then second, I do think that there is something huge to be said for not waiting for anything for any part of your life. Like I find myself doing that too where I'm like, oh, when I make this much money, my life will look like this. When I live in this place, my life will look like this. When my book comes out, my life will look like this. And it's like, why can't I give myself permission to build the life that I want to live right now? I'll find it, especially with nomad life. I'll be like, in our next nomad destination, I'll take on this habit and I'll be healthy in this way. Or when I finish this draft of my book, I'll finally have the free time to

take care of myself. And it's like, well, I have five minutes to meditate. I have time to chop up some broccoli and put it in my cassidy. I have the ability in so many ways to be doing the things that I keep putting off that I keep saying, when this happens, I can have this. And I think we all are so guilty of that in so many parts of our life. And the time is now. You don't need to wait for a future time, which in that future time, you'll probably just find another reason to not do the thing. Not to get too philosophical, but we don't know anything about the future. We're not time travelers, we're not fortune tellers, and if the past three years have told us anything, it's that change is actually the status quo. Change is the thing we're always going to be up against.

And so how do you even know when you get there than this? I would say, look at the data. Life is changing all the time. So if there's something you really want to do, what's the harm in doing it now? Okay, this is not a listener question. This is a Liz question. But what can we we do to become comfortable with the notion that change is the norm, that uncertainty is the norm? I find that so hard to get my head around. It's definitely difficult and has taken me a lot of time to get to and I fall off of it constantly. But one thing is that I have built enough internal safety, enough room within me to know

that I can handle lots of reactions, lots of emotions, and to look at the data that I always have recovered. I always have adapted to a situation. So why wouldn't I be able to in the future? And the one other thing I'd add is, what if the future is awesome and great? Things can change for good. They can change for bad. They have throughout all of history. And that just is, you know. So I just try to open the aperture of global warming is happening. It's truly a disaster. And there are people working really hard to make electric cars and solar power. And it could all change on a dime. So it's more like embracing this bigger picture of change that it's not all going to be gloom, which is actually usually what I jump to is it's going to be a disaster in the future.

This isn't going to work. And, you know, et cetera, it's kind of just seeing a bigger picture of the world is what helps me realize there's going to be good change, there's going to be bad change, there's just as always going to be change. And there's no such thing as real stability in that way. There's never going to be a day where the world just calms down and you can have a minute. It doesn't exist. Oh, but I want that so much. I know. I know. We all want it. Things would be so much easier. So it's a practice. It's a practice and it's definitely a journey. And having tasted it a few times, I know it exists even as I get lost every single day. And I'm like, well, when this book comes out, then I'll be happy.

You know, it's like, no, talk to your friends about it. Make it a happy thing today. And it is so helpful, just even the notion that change isn't all bad. I even think maybe doing for one of your journaling practices or something, taking a moment to reflect on the times in your life that change has brought amazing things into your life. because I know we all have those. Yeah, and globally, my meditation teacher always talks about how no one thought the Berlin wall would fall. You know, there's all these things in our own history where nobody thought it was possible that this amazing thing was going to happen. And it did.

I'd even list what are amazing things that happened in the world that people thought couldn't happen, you know? And the more you kind of notice that, you're like, oh, good change is possible. Yeah, and change isn't always necessary. something we have to fear. I love that. Okay, let's do this as the last one. I want to write a book, but I am not sure where to start. I have a full-time job and I'm always exhausted at the end of the day, but I can't just quit. How do I make progress towards my dreams while living in reality? Absolutely. This is a great question. And one that I can answer with my own story, which is I had a full-time job at Comedy Central that was very high stress, which is ridiculous because, you

We weren't curing cancer. It was comedy. So how it was so important and stressful, looking back, I'm like, well, that's a mystery. But the hours were extremely demanding. You know, I'd have to be out all night. And I, too, noticed that when I would come home at night, I couldn't write at all. And I really wanted to write a book. So every morning before work, I set an alarm, like a timer for an hour on my phone.

And when I was in that hour, I was not allowed to tweet online shopping. be distracted. No, it was just me and my computer writing. And, you know, it seems like what's just an hour? Well, over the course of three years, it was a book. You know, we think we can't do these big things, but break it down into something much smaller. Can you start with 20 minutes in the morning? Just start there. And as you build your pride in achieving that goal, you see you can go further and further. And then I would say, do you really want to write a book? Because if you really do, then you're going to sit down and write the book. And some weekends, you're not going to go out. And some vacations, you're just going to dedicate to writing the book. But it's on you,

if that's what you really want to do it, because you can. You know, it's not like, I have not been hit by inspiration maybe ever. There's never a moment where I'm like, wow, I just tapped into something and this just flows. It's like, I set my ass down. I set a timer. It's just a habit. When I'm done, I leave it. The end. You know, so I think getting way more realistic about this is like any other tool. This is like any other craft you would learn. You just have to practice. And if you really want to do it, there's no other way. Do it. Start writing right today. right today, right in the morning, right when your brain isn't exhausted and you haven't given all of yourself to your job.

It's such an interesting notion to match the things that you actually prioritize in your life as much as possible with the times that your brain is functioning the best. Like I think sometimes we give all of ourselves to things that we actually don't care about on a deep level as much. And then when it comes to the things that do matter to us, our family, our kids, our partner, our dreams, those get that like little sliver of wiped out, burnt out time just before bed. And even the idea of flipping that switch, flipping that script, I think is incredibly powerful. Yeah, and guarding that time. Yeah, guarding that time. Do you still stick to a timed writing schedule

versus like word count or something like that? And do you do it every single day? Well, unfortunately for me, I was very behind in my book deadline. So it was more like multiple alarms every single day for four months. The end was a real crunch time and I do not suggest it. But yes, in the mornings, right now it's slightly different. And this is my own failing. I wish I was writing more than I am right now. And I have to forgive myself because I'm like, there's too much to do to promote of this book right now. But if I'm not being creative, I'm going to be completely depleted. So the first hour I'm awake is blocked off in my calendar. The first half is a half hour of meditation. The second half is a half hour of free writing, journaling, something creative. I always have to

write something, but it's not the longer durations that I was doing to get the book done. I will say every single successful writer I know though has something like that where it is a duration or a word count. I tend to do word count. I don't know why. But they have something that if they don't hit that thing every day, they don't get up from the desk until they've hit that. Because like you said, I think a lot of people who aren't practicing creatives have this notion that creativity is something that just strikes you. And in fact, sitting down and doing the writing is the thing that creates the creativity. and you need to force yourself to just be sitting there to create what you want to create.

And then the creativity will come. And when people sit around and they're waiting for that spark of creativity, they're not going to produce anything. This is very, very good news because it turns out none of us have to have like some direct connection with the divine universe and art with a capital A. We just need to work. And since we all know we're capable of work, it's just totally possible. That always brightens my day that I don't need to be inspired.

Yeah, it's not magic. It's practice. Exactly. I love that. Can you tell us a little bit in your own words about your beautiful book, which I was telling you before we got on, I think I might like even more than buy yourself the fucking lilies. I just think it goes even deeper and is even more powerful if possible. So I would love to hear about it from you.

Oh, thank you, Liz. where Lily's left off is I had created all these rituals to bring myself to stability after a mess wreck disaster of a childhood. And stability was something I did not think was possible for me. So it was already like, hallelujah, huge life win. But then at the beginning of the pandemic, I lost my job. I was laid off from Comedy Central. And what I hadn't realized was that my job at Comedy Central had been a magic trick. It had been like, look over here at this totally glamorous thing where I'm with Kigo Michael Key and Jordan Peel and David Spade and like, look, I made it. I'm not a weirdo who had to endure like psychological abuse that none of my friends can relate to

in the least. No, no, I'm high status. You see? I hadn't fully understood how much of it was my identity. Like people would introduce me, they'd say, Tara Schuster, Comedy Central. It was my married last name. So when I lost the job, I felt like I lost myself and I had the question, who am I when everything is taken away? Because again, the context was I was in my single, you know, one bedroom apartment, no family in town, no boyfriend, alone, no job. And I just felt like I have to find out who I am essentially. And that's what this book is. It's a, for me, I quickly as talking about with Liz, I quickly move to Arizona. because I was looking for meaning. I didn't pause and say, oh, well, maybe I should think about this. I was like, I'm getting in my car. I'm looking for a bigger meaning. I'm going to help in the 2020 election. But that was just another way of running. And it wasn't until I had a particularly dangerous dissociative episode while driving to Arizona that I realized that what I needed to do was pull over. Just stop. Stop achieving. Stop trying so hard.

trying to be somebody's statusy who I thought other people would value and really get to know what was inside me. And that's what this book is. It's about finding emotional freedom from everything that's happened to you, protection for everything that will happen to you, so that you can reclaim your agency to grab your life. Because as much as people say, you know, like, well, you only get one life, you know, you better live it. How many of us believe that? How many of you, of us actually do that in our daily lives, live like we actually know, we're not here forever. And so I hope this book is a friend, a guide, and a rallying cry for your life matters a lot. And it matters to the rest of us even more because we need you.

Like, I don't know if you've read the news recently, but we need all hands on deck right now. And so if you want to be a part of the healing of this world, if you want to be a part of the healing of this world, if you want to be, a part of the change, start with the one person you know you can influence, which is you. That's the book. I like brought tears to my eyes. It's so beautiful. It's so beautiful. The book is just so you.

It's like getting to have Tara hanging out with you in your house and telling you how to love yourself and how to live your best life. And I so appreciate you sharing a little bit of that wisdom and that self with us today here on the podcast. and everybody needs to go find glow in the fucking dark. It's available wherever books are sold. And Tara, I appreciate you so much. And it was so fun to chat with you today.

I appreciate you. And I appreciate everything you're putting out into the world. So thank you for letting me be a part of it. Tara's incredible advice never fails to amaze me. I feel like I could go to her with any problem that I'm having. And she would have the perfect answer for how to solve it. If you would like to have your questions answered on any future advice episode, send them over to Ask at Liz Moody.com.

They are always totally anonymous. We'll be back with a fresh advice episode on the last Monday of March, so tune in for that. But in the meantime, we will have our normal episodes every single Wednesday, and we have some very exciting ones coming up, including the long-awaited How to Become More Confident episode that I Know That You Will Love, a science-backed sex tips episode, and one about the complexity of family patterns and overcoming childhood trauma. So make sure that you are following the podcast so you do not miss out on anything. You're just going to go to the main page for the podcast on whatever app you listen on is the one with all of the healthier together episodes listed. And then you're going to hit the button that says follow so you get the episode right in your feed every single week.

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