The Liz Moody Podcast - Asking My Husband Questions Women Are Too Scared to Ask

Episode Date: July 20, 2026

My husband Zack and I answer your most taboo, hard-to-talk-about relationship questions that you feel a little bit of shame or embarrassment talking about with your partner or person you're dating: dry spells, in-laws, prenups, work crushes, and so much more. It's really important to me to take the taboo out of these topics. I’ll share some tips or personal stories that I’ve been through that could help you guys (either in action or just to feel less alone). This is part of a brand new series where I ask my real-life relationships to come on and weigh in on your biggest struggles. Coming up I’ll have myself and my mother-in-law talk through your trickiest mother-in-law issues, and myself and my friend with kids talk through your friendship issues when you’re in different life phases. 🎧 What you’ll learn: • What to do when your partner is hiding their finances • If it’s bad if you have a work crush and what that means for your relationship • What to do when you don’t believe your partner when they say you’re beautiful  • If it’s bad if you’re not having sex and what that means for your relationship • If asking for a prenup (from either side) is offensive • If it’s bad if you’re not close with your in-laws • If there actually is “the one” Ready to uplevel every part of your life? Order Liz’s book 100 Ways to Change Your Life: The Science of Leveling Up Health, Happiness, Relationships & Success now!  Connect with Liz on Instagram @lizmoody or online at www.lizmoody.com. Subscribe to the substack by visiting https://lizmoody.substack.com/welcome. Buy our cute sweatshirts, conversation cards, and more at https://shop.lizmoody.com/. To join The Liz Moody Podcast Club Facebook group, go to www.facebook.com/groups/thelizmoodypodcast. Use our discount codes from our  highly vetted and tested brand partners by visiting https://www.lizmoody.com/codes.  This episode is brought to you completely free thanks to the following podcast sponsors: • AG1: visit DrinkAG1.com/LizMoody and get an AG1 Flavor Sampler and a bottle of Vitamin D3+K2 for FREE in your AG1 Welcome Kit with your first AG1 subscription order. • Timeline: visit Timeline.com/Liz to save up to 39% off. • OneSkin: go to OneSkin.co/Liz and use code LIZ to get 15% OFF for a limited time. The Liz Moody Podcast cover art by Zack. The Liz Moody Podcast music by Alex Ruimy. This podcast and website represents the opinions of Liz Moody and her guests to the show. The content here should not be taken as medical advice. The content here is for information purposes only, and because each person is so unique, please consult your healthcare professional for any medical questions. The Liz Moody Podcast Episode 449. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Today on the Liz Middy podcast, my husband, Zach and I are answering your most taboo, hard to talk about relationship and dating questions. Like the questions that you feel a little bit of shame, a little bit of embarrassment, even talking about with your partner or with the person that you're dating or interested in. These are all very real questions that you sent in. And this is part of my new series where I ask my real life relationships to come and weigh in on your biggest struggle. So like, I have my mother-in-law come and talk through your trickiest or most taboo mother-in-law issues, or I'll have my friend with a kid come and talk through your questions that you send in for friendship issues for different life phases. So today, it's all about your trickiest dating and relationship issues. We've got dry spells. We've got in-laws. We've got pre-nups. We've got work crushes.

We've got all the taboo stuff in here. It's really important to me to take the taboo out of these topics, to bring them out into the open. into the light and hopefully to share a lot of tips, a lot of personal stories, things that we're really going through that can help you guys either in action or just to feel less alone. Welcome to the Liz Moody podcast where we believe that there is always something that you can do to create a life that feels amazing and we help you figure out how to find the lever to pull at any moment to actually do that. Zach, welcome to the podcast. Thanks for having me.

Okay, let's just jump in with this one. I don't know how to discuss finances with my husband. He will not share his expenses, his salary, anything about his financial life. What should I do? I mean, he's probably a secret agent. And he's not cleared to give him. He's in the CIA. Leave him alone.

He's not clear to give that information. And just let it be. I think it's a huge red flag. Huge red flag. Honestly, even if he's a secret agent, that's kind of a red flag. Because I don't know if you want to be married to a secret agent. That's really stressful. We've seen all the movies.

Like there's a good chance somebody's going to show up at your door. It's a personal call for sure. And murder you in the middle of the night. Anyway. Yeah, I mean, I think that's like a funky thing to do, especially like the full firewall for the whole thing.

Not knowing their salary? Well, even like the salary is one thing, but like... The salary is one thing? All together, it's very big. And each individual part is its own kind of like... Problem? Yeah. I think what would be really interesting

is to then like get that information and be like, oh, but everything. was normal. They made like a normal salary and had normal expenses and like everything was normal because I don't feel like that's going to be the case. How would you suggest that she broached this conversation in a way that he might be more receptive to? Maybe by trying to create a joint budget and trying to figure out what the two of you can reasonably expect to contribute to said joint budget. Like you must have shared costs. So like who's paying rent every month? Are you splitting it? Are you What percentage of your income for each of you is that, right?

Yeah. And so like when trying to plan a vacation or plan a major life event, anything else like that, like I think it's good to know where that money was, was this boyfriend or husband? Husband. Yeah. I think there's a place in your relationship that sharing money can be something you don't really want to participate in. And it's, it stops before marriage, I would think. Oh, okay.

We will get back to that. But when do you think is the right time to talk about money in a relationship? To just talk about money generally. Like to say, hey, what's your salary? Do you have any student loans? What are your financial goals and dreams? When do you think that moment is in a relationship? I don't think there's like an absolute answer,

but I would say as soon as you're trying to plan seriously with somebody, unless you have really specific requirements. So I know people dating with like a ton of student loan debt and they've told me that, you know, being upfront about the fact that they have debt and that they don't necessarily want to have another partner, another person in a relationship who, also has the same amount of debt as them is something that they're prioritizing. Yeah. And obviously, we know lots of people where both partners have a ton of student loan debt.

It's a personal choice. But if you have specific financial needs and goals, I think if you're dating as an adult with the goal of finding a long-term partner being upfront about that earlier is ideal. Both roughly the fair thing to do and also like the thing that will get your needs met. Match theory. Honestly, though, we know that communication is one of the key. to a long-term successful partnership. So you want to be with somebody

who is able to communicate well with you. So throwing out these little opportunities for that early on and seeing how the other person reacts and response to that, I think can be really, really helpful. If they're like, oh my God, I can't have a scary hard conversation, that's kind of a red flag and something that you should know about if you're going to spend your time investing in this person. Yes, although I would also, like, say in early dating,

there's so few signals. Yeah. That like the problem with being like, you know, let's say your salary is only, you know, a few percent should be below a big number. And then you could say the big number or you could just not say anything. And I think not necessarily like having somebody. Yeah, like people are worried about being judged based on how much money they're making at any given time.

Yeah. I think also a really good way in early on in relationships. And also maybe even for this person who wrote in it and it's like, I don't know any of this stuff about my husband can be to talk about your dreams, your goals, your values your aspirations for your life. Ramit Sati, who is somebody that I've had on this podcast, has what he calls your idea of a rich life. And we talk often about a rich life for me looks like this.

And we get as specific as possible. What kind of house are we living in? What kind of experiences are we having? For you and me, like taking our families on vacation is really important. Spending money to get our time back is a really big part of our rich life. So you can say, like, what does a rich life look like to you and get as specific as possible about that? and that can help you, I don't know, suss out some financial information without saying,

okay, let's sit down and go through all the numbers. And just to bring it back to this person who is married to somebody who will not discuss their expenses, their salary, et cetera, when you are choosing to be married to somebody, you are building a life with that person. And I do think that while you can have privacy in marriages, secrets are a completely different thing. I think there's a really different line between privacy. Hey, like, I have stuff that I do that you don't necessarily need to be intimately involved in.

And that's completely fine. But that's so different than secrets. And this feels like a secret to me. Yeah. I think the other question I would just ask is what their why is, right? Because it might unearth a lot of like really interesting conversations. If it's as simple as we never talked about it in my family growing up and money's always been off limits for me. That is an interesting reason versus I'm ashamed.

or I don't trust you with that information, which would be like a weird thing. There's something to unearth there that is not represented into the question. They probably might even have the question asked or might already have some of the information that we don't necessarily have daylight into. So maybe do a rich life exercise together and also ask what? Just say, like, what is the reason behind this? Why can't we share these things? I think that's a good start.

Okay. Next one. Even when my partner swears he loves my body, it's hard for me to believe him because of my conditioning about women's beauty standards. Especially as I age, I'm 36. I find myself more insecure and I feel like it affects how I show up in my relationship. Do you have any advice about how to overcome this? What do you think about my aging, my aging face and my aging body?

So your body is beautiful. But not my face. Face is also beautiful. And I think in this question, which is like a hard question, there's a lot of like societal things to unpack here. But I think one of the things that's interesting is that they're acknowledging that their partner is doing the right thing. They're saying positive things.

They're saying that they really like her body, but she's already internalized something that it doesn't kind of, independent of what he's saying. Something's either not hitting or regardless of what's being said, she already feels a certain way about stuff. I think it's a ratio issue because you can tell me, let's say you told me three times a day that you loved my aging face, my aging body, whatever.

That'd be a lot. And I've probably gotten a hundred, messages on social media and magazines, watching TV shows, all these different things about how my body is less desirable as I age. So I just think it's almost impossible to, even for even the best partner to compete with that. Sure. And I think, I mean, that's maybe then part of the question is isolating whether or not she feels like he thinks she's beautiful or whether or not she thinks she's beautiful. Yeah.

Right? It sounds like he's given the indication that he thinks she's beautiful. And maybe that's not like what she needs is for him to think she's beautiful. Right. Maybe independent of how he thinks and feels about her like she doesn't feel that way about herself. And like when our self-esteem is threatened with how we look, right? Like you might tell me all the time like, oh, like you look great.

And I may like, well, Liz thinks I look great. But I don't objectively think that I look great in this way. Which it might not have anything to do with how you look. it might have to do with how you feel what you've been doing with your body, etc, when I hear this kind of stuff, I come back to over and over, like, what am I doing that makes me feel away in my body? Like, at times that I am consistently working out, I feel significantly different in my body than times that I am not.

At times that I'm scrolling a lot on social media, I feel significantly worse in my body. Even, like, sometimes I get on these algorithms that I think are pushing me towards health or like they feel aspirational in a way, but I realize they're like subtle body checking. and they're just like in bikini, and they're just like abs everywhere and just making me feel like shit about myself. So I try to kind of evaluate the things I'm doing in my life

that are making me feel a certain way in my body. Yeah. And so I think there's two things separate here, right? There is how we just feel good about ourselves one way or another. And then I think there is maybe the question that is held in here a little bit, which is how do our partners go the extra mile

to make us believe, despite everything else that we are great. It's not to say that like that's an obligation, but your partner comes into the room is like, oh my God, you look so sexy. I have to have you right now and then you guys have like mad, passionate sex.

At the end of that, you're not like, well, I feel like better about myself because my partner just like had to like they just. No, you do. Right, of course you do. So like clearly the needle is able to be moved by by the partner. I do think that regularly having sex with your partner is a great way to feel better in your body.

Like scheduling sex, doing whatever you need to have regular sex with your partner, having that physical connection with your partner is a great way to just remind each other that you feel this way about each other. But rolling back what you're saying, you're like, it's almost about the partner persuading. Can I just be vulnerable with you for a second? And like, do you? I was joking kind of at the beginning, but like, do you feel a way about my body getting older? Sometimes I even feel embarrassed talking about my fears around like perimenopause with you because I'm like, oh my God, is he going to think I'm like this shriveled up, unattractive, unsexually desirable human?

Like, honestly, not the PR version. How do you think about finding me attractive in my 40s and 50s and 60s and 70s? I think attractiveness ties into so much more than just like the physical piece of meat or like object you are. It's about like the active intelligence. dynamic, like, entity as a whole. So regardless of, like, how somebody looks, a huge aspect of attraction, I think is what your, like, interactive life is with them.

Which is what your dynamic is with that person. Exactly. Yeah. I think there's a few things at play for this person here. One, I do think if your partner is telling you that you're attractive and you're not hearing it, I think it's okay to say, this is the thing you could actually say that would make me feel attractive. I think in relation.

If there's something. thing. I think if you dive into yourself and you're like, I don't like being told I'm attractive this way. I like being shown it this way or said it this way or like thinking about what would actually communicate that to you. I think it's 100% a good thing to do to equip your partner with the tools that they need to make you feel the way that you want to feel. I think that's like a gift you can give your partner. You look like you're skeptical. Oh, no. I wasn't just like the flip side of that. Are they getting signals that make them believe other than what their partner's saying? So like somebody says like, oh, of course, like you're beautiful babe. And then

they're like checking other women or looking at, you know, uh, porn or something else and it doesn't match like your body type or something. And then I think ideally you can kind of dive into that and discuss that. And then I think part two, which is what we're talking about is figuring out what part is the inside job? Like what part makes you feel the way that you want to feel in your body? And I think all of us are like actively contending with how much the world tells us how we look is important. And it's really hard because it does make a difference in how we live our lives and how people treat us and all these things. And like, I just keep coming back to this vision of myself in my 90s and how bummed out she will be for every second that I spend feeling like shit

about myself because of how I look because of something that's inevitable. Like, we are all going to get older hopefully. Like the best thing that can happen is we will all get old. And we will all get old. So there's like what's in our control and what's out of our control. That part's out of our control. And I think the people look kind of crazy are the people who are trying to like make that more in their control. Yeah. I mean, I'd say like best case scenario is all that insecurity or concern or anything else. If it's going to move you or channel you to do anything, let it move your channel, channel you to like stay as active and like healthy and mobile and kind of dynamic as as you as you can be over time. Because I think that's, It's like where it helps, right? When you do stuff with your partner, that makes you more attracted to each other. So I do think like if you have adventures with a person, whatever that looks like for you, doing novel things together, living in your body, the more you live in your body, literally science shows the more attracted you will be to each other.

Your partner will be to you and you will be to your partner. Okay, next one. I have a crush on somebody at work and I don't know what to do about it. Does it mean that I'm in the wrong relationship? Have either of you ever had a crush on someone else during your relationship? How would you navigate that? I thought it's going to be a fun like, how do you ask someone to date at work? I was like, oh, cute, fun!

She's like, no. No, they are in a relationship. I'm fantasizing about somebody else. I feel like I read somewhere that it's something about, like, how we isolate our environments. One of the reasons attractions at work happen is once you switch environments fully, like your brain does, like, weird stuff. Like you're a different person, a different environment kind of? Kind of.

Just like a part of your brain's like, okay, I'm here. I'm in this, you know, weird environment. I have no partner. My brain naturally looks around. So would that mean a work crush is harmless? Because that's just your brain reacting. Oh, a work crush is definitely not harmless because like we've seen work crushes like destroy relationships over and over again.

Although this comes from like totally me hypothesizing off something else I may have read in the past. If you took the environment thing to a further conclusion, it might say. bring your partner around your colleagues. So you like merge the environments. In your brain and in your colleagues. Yeah, yeah. Bring your partner at a happy hour.

So like they get to meet everybody. And then maybe you're the part of your brains. That's like my partner doesn't exist in this environment goes away. That's smart. I like that a lot. So here's my thing. I don't think it's bad to have attraction to other people. I think it is insane to believe that once you get into a long-term relationship,

you're never going to be attracted to another person. What? That is like a crazy, crazy thing. But if you start to do things, like not talk about the fact that you have a partner or shit on the relationship, I think developing like emotional intimacy with a person at work, things like that, I think that's when it becomes red foggy to me. So it's like, okay, have a little crush. I think that's like kind of fun.

But are you not telling that person that you have a husband or that you're going to vacation with your husband? Are you like conveniently leaving your husband out of stories? I think that is really bad. And if you're having a bad day, who's the person that you're going to to talk about that? I think you want to keep that intimacy bond stronger with your partner than with anybody at work.

And then the other question is just if you're questioning the person you're with. And if the person you're crushing on or potentially comparing to, if they are more of a vector for like an evaluation against the person you're with. That begs a question for me. in a relationship, are you, like, constantly evaluating other people and being like, okay, I'm with the best person, or are you choosing to be with a person and then building a life with them? And that's what matters, regardless of whether they are, like, technically the quote-unquote

best person for you. And that, like, aligns for me more on. I don't think I've ever sat there and been, like, well, I'm with this person. Like, I could get a live. I saw this other person who's great. Yeah. Now I have to do the side-by-side comparison because, like, you don't see the new person, right?

Yeah. You don't see. Answer their quirks there. No, you see a weird idolized version in the office, which really depends what your job is. Yeah. You don't know the first thing about what actually being in a relationship would be like. So you're not really ever comparing to that person. The question you're really asking for, am I with the right person is just am I with the right person?

Is this my person? Am I happy in this relationship? So you're saying, like, don't compare. I wouldn't conflate the two. But if you're constantly finding yourself, like, looking elsewhere, maybe that's something to go inward and think about. Yeah, I would say basically, am I looking because I'm unhappy? Am I looking because I'm dissatisfied?

Am I looking because, like, try to find if there's a because, or you're just like, I happen to be in an office place with a couple, like, you know, hotties. And, like, that's just going to be a part of working at the modeling agency or whatever. Oh, I thought you meant, like, modeling, like, how is it, like, architecture modeling. I was like, and I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, like the house building. Yeah, yeah. Like all the hottest people do architectural modeling. Have you had crushes while we've been together?

I used to work in an architectural model. You really did. Have I had crushes? Yeah. No, not really for what it's worth, right? Hope that helps. I don't think I've ever had a full-fledged crush, but I've certainly thought like other people are attractive. Oh, sure.

Yeah. Next one. I don't talk to my. mother-in-law. She doesn't seem to be interested in chatting or spending time when I visit. She lives in a different state. How do I build a stronger relationship? Do you think it's important, either one of you, that there's a good relationship with each other's family? My first question would be why you want a strong relationship. It's interesting to just go to like saying a prompt, I don't have a close enough relationship to X. I want a closer

relationship with X. The reason I ask is because it seems like probably someone's upset that you don't have a close relationship, or you have some underlying guilt about kind of family There's a lot of sheds around it. There's weird societal shoulds around in-laws where it's like some societal should tell you should be close to them, but then also there's a lot of messaging around how you're going to inevitably fight with them and blah, blah, blah. That's kind of what I ask is like, is like if there is a desire to be closer, there is a lot of things you can do.

But it sounds like this is almost almost like an approval-seeking kind of exercise. Like my in-law acts like they don't like me and I want to win. I want to turn them around. The first thing I would just question in this is just like is. Do you need to do that? Yeah, do you need to do it. Especially if they're another state. Like, it's like you're not in a relationship with your in-laws.

You're in a relationship with your partner. And winning isn't like, isn't always making everybody love you. And I do think that we need to figure out in our lives what our relationship is going to look like with every person in our life. Because I just think it is so different than what any of the should tell us that it should look like with our partner, with our in-laws, with our parents, with our siblings. and the more we get mired in this idea of like, this is what it's supposed to be, we get stuck in that and it's not serving anybody. And I think there's like a corollary

to Liz Moody's match theory, which would be like, what's your greatest good? Let's say you have, you know, 20 hours of relational time a week and you can spend five minutes on the phone with a couple dozen people that you really care about

and each one of them you're going to make like deeper bonds. And then you can spend six hours with your in-law and you can move them one unit of needle up towards like maybe liking a little bit better, right? That bolder pushing that up the hill, that might not be your greatest good in terms of like relational effort. Especially if you could spend that relational time on your partner. Yeah, like your partner or your other close relationships and anything else like that. That's interesting. And other relationships that might even serve you and your partner's relationship,

more like a great set of friends to do double days with or something like that. That's really interesting. I will also say a bit of advice that I got recently. I was having a tricky relationship with somebody in my life. And I was talking to somebody else about it. And that person was talking about how they'd had a tricky relationship with somebody in their life who had died a number of years ago, like 20 years ago. They'd had a tricky relationship with that person. And they said, man, it would have been really different if text messages had existed at the time of that relationship.

Because when they would call that person, they literally had like a list of topics that wouldn't cause fights that they would sit next. too on the phone and be like, okay, if I stick to this list of topics, like things they saw throughout the week, they'd be like, this is safe, this is safe, they go down that list. And they're like, man, if I could just shoot that person, a little text, tell them I'm thinking of them, keep it positive, my life would have been really different. And I have since adopted that with people I struggle a little bit more to talk with on the phone, people who are a little bit trickier for me. I just think it's a really great way to feel connected without a lot of friction and without a lot of effort. I think that's a really good point, and I will call that love mediums, right?

Like, there's love languages. There's also, like, love mediums, right? Like, it's like... What media means the most to that person? And just what's their most receptive or interactive kind of thing? Maybe the best way is, like, not texting them forever and then bringing, like, a really, like, intentional cake to the holidays or something else like that. I know people for sure who are, like, buckets with holes in them for calls.

And you're just like, I just called you. and they're like, no, we never talk. And you're just like, geez, like, but then in person time, maybe, like, actually fills the bucket a little bit. Or maybe the in-law, like, really, like, one of the greatest goods is, like, they, like, send them photos of their kid, like, doing silly stuff. Like, maybe that's- Or kitten. Or kitten.

Whatever, whatever flows up. Yeah, maybe they're really into cats and you can bond over that. Like, finding, finding the, the shared-about or not even about. Finding the things that, like, actually move the needle the most. Like, spend your effort where you're getting reward, I think is what you're. saying, and I feel like that's really powerful because a lot of us spend a lot of effort in places that we are just not, we're getting the tiniest bit of reward for the amount of time that we are putting it. And also, by no means are you required to have like a best friendship with your in-laws?

Oh yeah. I want to lead with that. Yeah. My name is Peter Parker, but I'm also Spider-Man. This July, we're faced with a threat. That can be anyone. The world may have forgotten Peter Parker. I'm just a neighbor. Friendly neighbor. But he hasn't forgotten them. Sometimes Spider-Man has to do the hard thing. That's my responsibility. Talk to Banner? I didn't know you could get that big. Spider-Man, brand new day in theaters July 31st. Let's do this one. Everything about my relationship is strong right now. We are having fun, shared life aspirations, connecting, etc. La-di-da. The only thing is that she doesn't view sex as a priority and just generally isn't in.

interested in it. I feel like her desire is gone, but it doesn't phase her. I miss it. Thoughts. That's a rough one. That's so funny. I just opened another one randomly. And it says, my husband and I don't have sex very often and haven't for years, but we are warm and affectionate in other ways on a daily basis. I think we both struggle with the intense vulnerability of having sex. It's easier to go on autopilot than to put ourselves out there like that. So I think in general, I think there's a number of people who are like, the relationship is good, but the sex isn't there. Is that okay? What do I do about it? etc.

That's so funny. We just saw the invite, the movie, and it's so interesting because, like, they're kind of like a sexless couple that also has, like, massive problems. And I think that that is, like, the thing you picture. You picture, like, sex as this great equalizer and, like, healthy, healthifying kind of, uh, like a type of relationship. And if you're taking it, your relationship's good. You fucking, you're fine.

Yeah. And if you're not fucking, you're not fine. Yeah. And I think it's worth challenging. that for everybody out there who feels like they have it all and and they're not having the physical intimacy. That being said, it doesn't mean, you know, you can't explore it. That sounds like a great opportunity to work on being vulnerable with one another.

There's going to be an about for the no sexy time, especially if you used to participate in sexy time and somehow you've fallen off that wagon. First of all, I think it's a phenomenal movie. That was like one of my favorite movies that I've seen in so long. Invite. Go see the invite. It's so funny. I think you at one point like halfway through the movie, you're like, why is this movie so good?

Like you literally just like, we're laughing. I think I was like, why am I laughing? But Esther Perel, who is a famous couples therapist, she, I've worked with her in the past. She's phenomenal. She was the consultant on the movie. And she says often, and she told the filmmakers that she doesn't believe that you can be in a healthy relationship without having sex. There's like a core belief of Esther Perel's.

And I think they tried to communicate that in a few different ways in the movie. But like the movie's fun because it puts a lot of stuff on the table to discuss. So what do you think about these two questions where these people are like, well, everything's great? Do you think they're just lying to themselves? Does Esther think they're lying to themselves? I think that physical intimacy is one of the number one things that differentiates our romantic partnerships from our other relationships in our life. And prioritizing that is worthwhile. And I think as a woman, I can only speak for myself as an individual.

Is this particular woman? This woman here. When I don't have sex for a while, I often can tell myself, I don't crave it. It doesn't matter. It's not important. And then when I have sex again, I'm like, oh, my God, this makes the biggest difference in the world. So I do think that there's a certain inertia or momentum that happens, whichever way you're going. If you're not doing it, that kind of carries you forward.

you float on the river of that and you can tell yourself like everything is a okay. But then if you are doing it, it changes the path of that river and it pushes you in a different direction. Okay. So we're going to validate these two couples and securities and be like, yes, there is something wrong with you. You're missing the river. No, I actually think that if the rest of your relationship is in a really good place, then it puts you in a better position to solve the issue of not having sex. Yeah. It's actually really like you are in a. really privileged opportunity unlike other people who are not having sex and not getting in the invite.

Yeah. They might have a harder time. They have stairs to climb. No spoilers. Yeah. But I think if you're communicating while you're having fun together, you've done such important work with laying a foundation. And sometimes all it does take is like breaking the seal.

Like I just think you're like saying to your partner like this isn't that romantic. Also, we're really good friends with Vanessa and Zander Marin. Vanessa is a sex therapist. and she will often say that the first time you have sex after you've been in a dry spell is not going to be like the best sex and to just know that and like move through it. Because sometimes we're like, oh, if I haven't had sex in a while, it needs to be really great when I get back into it. She's like, it's not going to be that good.

Like it might be a little awkward. It might be a little bit weird. But you just need to sort of like get to the other side of that, which I think takes some of the pressure off. So I think breaking the seal, even if it's in a way that's not particularly sexy, that's just you saying to each other like, hey, we haven't had sex in a while. Can we try to have sex tonight? TikTok, let's go.

Every single. Scheduling sex. Sex expert I have had on the podcast has recommended scheduling sex. And I don't think that is for nothing. I have not had a single sex expert, couple therapists, anybody in that realm on the podcast who is not recommended to scheduling sex. I like what it says because what it says is we just really trust schedules. Like your whole thing is like break the seal, right, all this stuff.

But it's like for some reason we're like, ah, it's on the calendar. It's not. I got to do it. Like versus being like, no, we have to do it. right now or like, and it's just, it's hard to, we prioritize what's on the calendar. And so I think it makes you give it a different level of priority in your life.

And I also think like movies and TV shows and these smut books. Sure, the smut books. Make sex feel like it has to be this thing where you're like pushing each other against the wall and it's so romantic and music is playing and blah, blah, blah. And sometimes sex is going to be quick. sometimes it's going to be messy, sometimes it's going to be awkward, and like, it's still important. It doesn't need to be this big romantic thing. It can be sometimes, but sometimes it's going to serve a different function of just connecting

you to your partner and that's okay. I'm just wondering, I'm still stuck in the scheduling thing. Like, I'm like, if you got to push notification that says, go have sex now. Do it. Would that be better or worse than scheduling? Oh, like you want to create an app? I'm not going to create this app. No, I think that.

I think scheduling it and I think just breaking that seal and doing it. And these couples, if they're in such a great place, also if you want to have a conversation about it, great. I always am like air on the side of communication. But also sometimes I think we can like overthank and over communicate about this stuff. And sometimes it's just like, we got out of the habit. Let's get back in the habit. Like jump in the river.

The vulnerability one, I want to dive deeper into it. What does that mean? What does it mean? What aspects don't feel like, like honestly, like, potentially a good opportunity for a sex therapist or some sort of other kind of professional support. And as a non-professional, I think that practicing vulnerability in little ways can make practicing vulnerability in bigger ways feel less scary. So what are little ways you can say something you want, say something you need? Maybe instead of jumping into bed with your partner,

if that feels really vulnerable or asking for sex, you can ask for a kiss or you can walk over and make out with them a little bit. Like I think there's little baby steps. Just pull the pants up and show the ankles. Depending on. I think there's a lot of little ways you can practice vulnerability that makes the bigger ways feel less scary. Yeah. Okay.

And then let's just end with a quick set of rapid fire sort of taboo questions. Things that people are like afraid to talk about their partners, etc. Great. Hit it. Okay. Is emotional cheating worse than physical? No. It's not worse.

They're both bad. Morality is subjective. But like I think a lot of people are really pissed off about physical cheating. Is it offensive to ask somebody to sign a pre-up? Absolutely the fuck not. No, no. But I was trying to think of what conditions it would be, but no, no. No.

This is some of the best financial advice I've ever gotten on this podcast. There is always a pre-nup. It's just a matter of whether it is the pre-up of California or New York or Kansas or whatever state you live in or the pre-dup that you are intentionally creating together. Do you want your pre-up or the government's pre-up? Yeah, exactly. Is it okay to ask somebody for their number of past sex partners? I mean, it's okay to ask anybody anything, I think.

I think it's okay to ask. I don't think it's okay to judge. I think that is like a crazy thing. And I would also just be like careful, right? As you get older and as people date, you might be like, if you're like a puritanical sort, you might be really disappointed with the numbers because like some like, you know, somebody. Because it adds up over time.

Yeah, you're dating for years. You're in your 30s. Yeah. Right. Like, even your 20s though, like, I'm genuinely like, it doesn't say anything about you. I don't know. I just think it is like, what's the number? of times you've had sex.

Oh, yes. Partner independent, right? So true. I think at the end of the day, it's an incredibly uninteresting question. Like, I think it is much more interesting to be like, what do you like in bed? What have you learned from your past sexual experiences? What were your favorite past sexual experiences? What do you wish you got more of?

It's just what information are we gleaning from what is your number? Or like break the eyes, right? I honestly think like asking like for like silly sex experiences from like an actual partner that you're dating, like take some of the taboo. and like vulnerability out of it. Yeah. Bring more like laughing into sex. Yeah.

Or just like general levity. 100%. Do you believe in the one or is love just timing or just work? It's tricky because I found the one, but I still don't believe in the one. So I don't tell you. I think we both believe that love is a verb. Sorry. Yeah.

Yeah. What does that mean? I think we both believe that grammar is hard. I'm like actually like love is, uh, it's also a now. Okay, fine. I think we both believe that there are literally thousands of people on this planet that you could build a great life with, that you could make a great relationship work with. Yeah. And once you find somebody that's compatible, it's about putting that work in.

One of the things I think about, like, God, what would it be like to try to build up to the level of, like, intimacy and trust that we have together? And then it feels incredibly fatiguing. So you're too tired. So you stay with me. No. Oh, yes. But no, no, but like, like, you have this incredibly valuable thing that's built over, built over time. That's why I don't get jealous that much.

I can't remember the last time I got jealous of, like, other girls that you hang out with. Like, I love you having friends who are female, et cetera. Sure. Because we have built this crazy level of intimacy over time. And I'm like, what is a conversation? it literally feels impossible for you to come close to touching that with another woman. No, it's incredibly fatiguing. You're right.

Yes, you're too tired. Makes you want to nap. Could you love somebody who votes opposite of you? Sure. Yeah. Really? Yes, I could. And you're glad I don't.

Yeah, I'm definitely glad you don't. But, like, I think we should all, for the sake of remembering that each individual human is, like, an individual, like, human, not like an enemy. Like, we should all. all believe, at least try to believe we could do it, despite whether or not we're going to actually pick them as a partner. Also, the Gottman's who are some of the world's leading researchers on couples and relationships, talk about how two-thirds of the fights that we're ever going to have are going to be perpetual. Basically, they're going to be unsolvable fights that we have.

And so I always think about in a relationship choosing the fights I'm willing to have over and over. So if you're willing to fight about politics forever, cool. That's like one of your fights and that's fine. I think often we think about who we're dating and who we're ending up with is like, their list of positive attributes. And sometimes I think it can be more helpful to be like, what are the fights I'm going to be having for the rest of my life?

And what am I willing to have on that list? Yeah. Sorry. I should be, I should clarify. The question said love, right? I think you can be able to love anybody across, like, their different belief systems. I think if you're talking about what it would be like to live your life with somebody day to day and you don't feel like their values or ideals align with yours in a way that

would, like, affect your daily living, I think that's like a real question. with asking. And I think politics can be a crude vector for what people's actual beliefs really are. Yeah. I think that's, I think that's true. And I just think we need to like, we have this instinct to like group people. And I think the more that we can pull people out of the groups and view them as individual people. And then if their values, whatever, don't align with yours, that's valuable information, but like pull them out of the group. Yeah. Yeah. That's actually a better way to put it is, I think getting an idea of somebody's values is more important than getting an idea of their politics. it's probably fair to say that politics change slightly faster than values, although maybe I'm wrong about that.

All right. I think that's all that we have time for today. Thank you, Zach. If you guys have more taboo topics that you want us to dive into or relationship advice questions that you want us to solve, send them to me, Lizatlis Moody.com, and you'll see them in a future episode. And also, I'm planning on doing this series with all different people in my life. So like questions that I can ask my mother-in-law, that maybe you're nervous to ask your mother-in-law, advice questions for friends. that maybe you'd be nervous to talk about with your friends. So if you have any type of relationship, you would love to see me do this series with. Let me know. I love taking the taboo out of taboo topics. And I love being able to have these conversations with Zach and with you guys. So as always, thank you so much for being here.

And I'll see you on the next episode of the Liz Moody podcast. Oh, just one more thing. It's the legal language. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. It is not intended as a substitute for the advice. of a physician, a psychotherapist, or any other qualified professional. Hey, y'all, it's Kelly Clarkson with Wayfair.

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