The Liz Moody Podcast - BEST OF: The Theory That Completely Changed My Relationships (Here's How It Can Change Yours)

Starting point is 00:00:00 Hello, friends, and welcome back to the Liz Moody podcast. There is one idea that has completely changed my life, my relationships, my friendships, my career, and the way that I move through the world. And when I say changed, I mean, everything feels easier, everything feels lighter, everything feels more aligned. I don't chase. I don't force. I don't waste my time in spaces that were not meant for me. And because of that, I feel more fulfilled. I feel more successful and more at peace than I ever did before. It is called match theory. And once you hear it or once you see it or once you know what it is,

Starting point is 00:00:37 you will not be able to unsee it in every single part of your life. Seriously, since I came up with it, I have come back to it over and over and over again. I will be talking to a friend about dating and it'll be like, oh, that's match theory. I'll be talking to another friend about her job and it's like, oh, that's match theory. Okay. So what is match theory? The idea is really, really simple. Instead of trying to impress or force or prove your worth, the goal in every single area of your life should be to find the right match, the people, the jobs, the opportunities that are naturally aligned with who you truly are. One of the biggest mistakes that we make in life is trying to change our authentic self, to get friends, to start habits, to get jobs, to date. I actually originally came. came up with the idea for match theory when I was hanging out with one of my friends while she got ready for a second date. And she was doing her makeup and we were plotting all of these different

Starting point is 00:01:35 ways for her to get this guy to fall in love with her. She was literally at one point Googling sports facts despite not being a person who cares about sports at all. And then I had this aha moment and I sat up in bed and I was like, wait a second, wouldn't getting him to fall in love with this false version of you be the worst case scenario? Because then you're either stuck being this false version of yourself with the person that you're dating or, God forbid, the person that you end up marrying, or you date for a while your true self eventually comes out as it is want to do. And if that true self is not compatible with your partner, you break up and you've wasted all of this time. And if your true self is compatible, well, then you just should have been that person in the first

Starting point is 00:02:25 place. The point of dating is not to win. It is not just to make people fall in love with us. It's to experience rich, soul-changing partnership in this one chance of life that we have on this planet. Same thing with friendship. We are not just trying to make people think that we're cool. That is not the goal of friendship.

Starting point is 00:02:46 It does not get us very far in the long run. Somebody being impressed by you at a party doesn't give you someone to call when your cat dies and you're devastated. It doesn't give you someone to have adventures with. It doesn't give you someone who will hold your hand as you go through a breakup. Having people that are impressed by you, but feeling like nobody knows or loves the real you leads to that feeling of being all alone in a room full of people, which can be even lonelier than feeling alone by yourself. You're literally surrounded by people and you're like, this should fix me. This should make me feel full. But because none of them truly know you, none of them are affirming your lovability as your authentic self.

Starting point is 00:03:28 So you feel unlovable. You feel like if these people really knew me, they wouldn't love me. When I've had more intimate conversations with people who are famous, this is a core feeling that's come up. And this is even something that I've talked about with you guys with my very teeny tiny level of comparative notoriety. The celebrities that I've talked to about this will say that the more people that say that they love them despite not knowing them at all, the more unlovable they feel. And they also have to wonder, does anyone love the person that I actually am? They have a ton of friends on their payroll, so they wonder if I didn't pay these people, would they still be around? If I didn't take my family on vacation or buy them a house, would my

Starting point is 00:04:09 family love me as much? These people who want to date me, is this because of who I appear to be, the coolness factor of fame or who I actually am? And on my own much, much smaller level, the more that I started becoming successful, publishing books and having people come up to me on the street, the more I started having people look up my podcast or my Instagram and be impressed with me when I first met them, the more I started wondering if I was at my core, lovable because people loved me for all of these things that I did, which do not get me wrong. It's all something that I'm so proud of. I love it so much and I am so, so grateful for the work that I get to do. But if you're loved for what you do or what you have, you always wonder if you'd

Starting point is 00:04:58 be loved for who you truly are if all of that is taken away. And I say this not to make you feel bad for me or for celebrities because I feel very lucky in my life and the celebrities that I have talked to feel very lucky and grateful to find success in their chosen careers as well. I say this because we are all trying to impress people into loving us in little ways and big. And the hidden cost of that that I only realized recently is that every single time you do that, you chip away at the idea that you, the real authentic you, is inherently lovable just the way that you are. And because of this, match theory isn't only going to make your life feel more effortless, more in flow, more in alignment.

Starting point is 00:05:46 It is also going to completely change your notion of self-love. Because every time that you lean into match theory, every time you let it do its thing, you are telling your brain, I am worthy of finding. my match. There is a match for me. My authentic self is lovable for being exactly who I am. Which brings me to the key reason why many of us don't take advantage of match theory. Fear. Fear is one of the biggest reasons we resist match theory. The fear that if we stop adjusting ourselves to fit in, we might find out that our true self isn't lovable or interesting or enough. Many of us have internalize the belief that we have to be better or different to deserve love, success, or

Starting point is 00:06:35 belonging. So instead of seeking a natural match, we exhaust ourselves trying to mold into whatever we think will be most acceptable. This fear is completely understandable. It is deeply ingrained in human psychology. There are studies that show that being excluded or socially rejected activates the same regions of the brain as physical pain. I had Dr. Michael Jervais on the podcast, He is an incredible performance psychologist, and he thinks that the single biggest thing getting in the way of all of us achieving our full potential is fear of other people's opinions, which he calls Fopo. And he explained it to me in an evolutionary way.

Starting point is 00:07:13 Back when we lived in tribes, you literally depended on your tribe to survive. Not in a like, oh my God, I love you. I would die if you ever left me way. No. And I need this tribe to protect me from lions, to help provide me with food, to keep. my offspring safe way. If you got kicked out of your tribe, you would literally die. Our brains interpret rejection as a literal survival threat, which is why we default to people pleasing and self-editing to avoid the possibility of people not liking us, of people having negative

Starting point is 00:07:47 opinions. Our fear of other people's opinions is grounded in very real, very understandable circumstances. That is the world our poor brains are operating in. But that's not the world that we live in anymore. In today's world, we have access and exposure to amounts of people that our ancestors could not even begin to comprehend. Now, the people who overcome fear of other people's opinions don't die alone, shivering in the woods. No, they achieve things that the rest of us dream about. One entrepreneur might delay launching a product because they're worried about potential criticism. Maybe they will tinker on it for years.

Starting point is 00:08:26 Maybe they'll show it to this friend and that and make changes based on everyone else's thoughts. Meanwhile, the entrepreneur who says, I did my research, I trust my gut, and I stand behind this, and I am brave enough to face rejection to put this out into the world, well, maybe they will make millions of dollars. Maybe they won't. But the first person did not even have a shot. The people who overcome fear of other people's opinions find their true life partners, not the ones that look good to the rest of the world but leave them feeling dead inside, but the ones that

Starting point is 00:09:00 make them feel safe, the ones that make them laugh until their stomach hurts, the ones that make them know that they are worthy and enough even as they get older or their looks change. The people who overcome fear of other people's opinions develop friend groups that make them feel seen that they're excited to have adventures with instead of friend groups that just look good in group photos. We can do a whole episode about self-love later, so let me know. if you were interested in that. But I want to share a few of my favorite ways to build that loving relationship with your authentic self. So you can feel more confident putting that beautiful person out into the world and letting match theory work its magic. I personally sometimes struggle

Starting point is 00:09:43 with like, who actually is my authentic self? And to answer this, we have to move our brains away from external validation toward intrinsic motivation. Basically, we need to figure out what we are doing for other people's approval and what we are doing for us. And to figure that out, a great question is, would I still do this if no one could see it? Would I still wear this makeup or these clothes? Would I still read this book? Would I still work on this project? Would I still have this wedding if no one could see it? That's like a kind of crazy one to ponder. Would I still be in this friendship if no one could see it. Would I still be in this relationship if no one could see it? The answers to these questions can be startling to say the least, but they give us such valuable information about who we

Starting point is 00:10:34 really are and what we really want versus what we're doing to show other people to be perceived a certain way. And then the next step is loving that person, finding confidence in that person. And again, I can do an entire episode about this, but here are a few down-and-dirty tricks that the science really supports. These are a few of my favorite that have really worked for me. The first is from Dr. Kristen Neff's famous studies on self-compassion, which her research has found can improve our mental health, our resilience, and our motivation. She has a lot of techniques for cultivating self-compassion, but one of my absolute favorites is just recognizing that you are not alone in whatever you're feeling. Literally millions of people have,

Starting point is 00:11:18 have been rejected by people or by jobs. Millions of people have farted accidentally at a really inopportune moment. Millions of people have tripped and fallen in front of a group of strangers. Millions of people have gotten their periods while wearing light-colored pants and not realized it until they got home. I am raising my hand for this one. That was like one of the more embarrassing moments of my life. But there's probably not an embarrassing thing that could happen to that has.

Starting point is 00:11:48 has not happened to somebody else already. It does not make you an outlier or the outsider. It actually makes you more a part of the shared, messy, weird experience of being human. And we all realize this on a deep level too, which is why when these things happen in front of us, when we witness them, we don't think, oh my God, what a loser. We think, I hope they're okay. And if you're like, no, Liz, I actually judge them or I get red or I blush or I feel shame. It's because, it is because of that acute awareness that it could have been us.

Starting point is 00:12:21 That is that feeling manifesting in a self-protective way in our brains. That is that knowledge that someday, in some form, it probably will be us. Dr. Neff and also my therapist sister also love to talk about how if we want to feel like we love ourselves, we need to talk to ourselves the way that we would talk to somebody that we love. We talk shit at and about ourselves all day long. If we talk that way to our friends or our families or our partners, they would run for the hills, but we are stuck with ourselves. It feels so silly at first, but as often as possible, when you hear that voice in your head,

Starting point is 00:13:07 ask yourself, is this the way that I would say it to somebody that I loved? Is this the tone that I would use? Are these the words that I would use? And if not, take a moment and change it. Because doing that over and over is going to rewire your neural pathways. The neurons that fire together, wire together. And if you fire that loving voice over and over, it will wire together and it will become the default. You can also challenge those negative thoughts when they do pop up, which is a huge tool used in therapy. Here is what that looks like in practice. Let's say that you are in a group, you make a joke and there is silence. Like nobody laughs. Maybe nobody even acknowledges the joke. And immediately that brain of yours goes, oh my God, I am so awkward. Everyone hates me. I shouldn't open my mouth ever again.

Starting point is 00:13:57 Let's challenge that. Do you remember a single awkward joke anyone else has ever made? Because you have been privy to hundreds of them. I guarantee it. And I guarantee you forgot about it. them. Let's keep challenging. Are you awkward or are you brave? Because there are actually studies that show that even when a joke doesn't land, people still perceive the joke teller as more confident and more competent than if they had said nothing at all. And that's because you took that social

Starting point is 00:14:29 risk. So you're not a loser. You're actually confident and badass. You can do this in any situation. What proof is there to the contrary of what those negative thoughts are telling you? If you had to debate them instead of just accepting them as fact, what would you say? I'm genuinely confused how masterclass gets literally the absolute top people in every single field to teach every single one of their classes. I use it when I want to learn things directly, like the cooking class from Thomas Keller has all of the wisdom that you would normally have to go to culinary school for. But also, I'm being honest, this is like a use case I don't hear a lot of people talking about. I'll just watch it for entertainment when I want to do

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Starting point is 00:20:20 than the nicest hotels. It just feels so good. I get so excited to get into it every single night. It's time to upgrade your sleep with Bowlen Branch. Get 15% off your first order, plus free shipping at Bowlenbranch.com slash Liz Moody with code Liz Moody. That's Bullen Branch, B-O-L-L-L-B-B-Ranch.com slash Liz Moody. Use code Liz Moody to unlock 15% off, exclusions apply. And then the last little bit of research that I want to leave you with is something called the liking gap, which in essence is just that studies show that we way underestimate

Starting point is 00:20:52 how much people actually like us. Research has shown over and over that we overly focus on negative parts of interactions, and when we rate how much people liked us post-interaction, we consistently underestimate it. I utilize this research by just regularly, constantly reminding myself that it exists, that people probably like me way more than I think that they do. And weirdly, it does actually help. Okay, so we're all being a little kinder to ourselves. We're all being a little bit more confident. Let's talk about how we can pragmatically use match theory to change our outcomes, to create a life that feels aligned and satisfying. So, how do we do it? Let's start with romantic relationships with dating since that is the scenario that

Starting point is 00:21:39 inspired match theory in the first place. Here's one of my favorite ways to put match theory into action. Go on vacation together early, like way earlier than you normally would. Travel reveals so much about someone, how we respond to stress, our flexibility, how we like to spend our time, how we spend money, the speed and pace which we move through the world. And maybe that does not align. It is never too early to have that information so that you can act accordingly. Maybe it doesn't matter to you and maybe it does. But travel is such a great way to force our authentic selves to the forefront so we can see if they are a match. And I know some of you listening are like, that sounds terrifying. That is an awful, awful idea. But the point is if your authentic self comes out when you

Starting point is 00:22:28 travel and if their authentic self comes out when they travel and those authentic selves are not aligned. Yes, you may have a disastrous vacation, but you also have such valuable information so you can stop wasting your time. Okay, here's another one. This is a tip that I got from one of the top dating experts in the world. Introduce the person that you're dating to your friends as soon as possible. They actually recommended making first dates group hangs because in our lives, we're not really that often just going out to dinner with one person and sitting across from them and making stilted conversation. No, we're living life together and throwing them into a group of your friends is a really

Starting point is 00:23:09 great way to do that. I personally do not know if I would always do first dates, mostly because I don't think that that is fair to your friends to make them deal with all these new people all the time. But I think that we generally wait way, way too long to introduce our partners to our friends. We act like it's this big right of passage. We get invested in these people and then we're so nervous. Well, they all like each other. Will everyone get along?

Starting point is 00:23:37 But if you make it an earlier part of dating, you're less invested so there's less pressure. And if your partner doesn't like your friends or your friends don't like your partner or your partner doesn't like who you are around your friends, that is such valuable information to have. You will notice that a key, key part of match theory is reframing, rejection as redirection. If you are your authentic self and someone isn't right for you, that doesn't mean that anything is wrong with you. That simply means that they are not a match. And the sooner that you find out they're not a match, the less time that you waste and the more time

Starting point is 00:24:16 you have to find someone who is a match. It is not a value judgment of you as a person. It is valuable information that you need as soon as possible so you can get on with living your best life. So do not try to be anyone other than who you are when you're dating. Did you read Gone Gone Girl? It was a really successful book a while back and they made it into a movie. And the author Jillian Flynn, she describes this cool girl in it, this woman who loves football and poker and she laughs at dirty jokes and she drinks beer and she eats all these hot dogs. And if this is you, amazing. I am sure that there is a great match out. there for that. But if it isn't, please, please, do not pretend to be this person because every step

Starting point is 00:25:07 that you take as them is walking you away from your dream life. Be who you are. I promise, I promise you, there is a person out there who will love you, the real you. And every single second that you spend as someone else is pushing the day that you meet that person further away. And when we're thinking about match theory, we really need to think about our true needs, our true desires for our lives. Where are we really willing to compromise? Humans are capable of change, but if you go into a relationship needing someone to be different at their core, they are not a match. If something is a true need, be honest about it as soon as possible. That means recognizing it in your You have got to listen to that little voice that says, this is something that matters to me.

Starting point is 00:25:59 When you hear it, do not ignore it. That is match theory at work. You can suppress the voice for a while, but picture trying to stuff a bunch of things into a closet. You're just shoving stuff in. You're not paying any attention to how it should really go. You're just trying to make your home outside of that closet look perfect. And the closet is getting more and more chaotic, more and more full until finally it explodes everywhere. The closet will always explode. Do not just shove things in the closet.

Starting point is 00:26:30 Okay, let's talk about match theory in friendships. I think that we are in an epidemic of shallow friendships, the type that look good on social media that make for really cute matching bachelorette photos, but that aren't nearly as rich and soul satisfying as they could be. We meet up. We talk about our lives over dinner, and we leave vaguely satisfied, but knowing on a soul level that there has got to be something more out there. To bring Match Theory into friendships, I like to ask real questions and share real vulnerabilities about my own life. I ask people what they are truly struggling with, and I share what I am truly struggling with. And if that sounds awful to you, that's okay. I'm a person who values deep conversations and beyond surface level.

Starting point is 00:27:20 connections. My matches are going to value that too, and they're going to turn toward these topics instead of not liking them or being scared away by them. If that's not you, though, that's great. Talk about things that feel authentic to you because that's how you're going to find your matches. Share your real hobbies and interests. Your matches are not going to think that they are nerdy or lame. They're going to think that they're wonderful because they're part of what makes you authentically yourself. So like the vacation tip for relationships, I like to compatibility test friendships early. You can do this by going on vacation together, or you can just do something like an escape room or a game night. Just create situations that people will naturally show you who they really

Starting point is 00:28:08 are and who you really are will naturally come out. You will find out how you work and collaborate together, how they handle winning or losing. It is all just information. It is not scary or bad. It is not rejection. It is critical insights that we want sooner rather than later so we can get on to finding our real matches. The last thing that I want to touch on is match theory at work. I will say for some people having a job that they like or even love is a value. And for some people having an aligned workspace, having their job be something that they love is not a value and just getting a paycheck is plenty good. That's their value. And if you're the latter, maybe you do not need your work to be a match and that is okay. But if you're in the first group, if you're looking for a match

Starting point is 00:29:01 at work, if you want to love your work, love your career, love your job, pay attention to company culture. If you love working independently, but this is a company that's all about micromanagement. It might not be a match. Pay attention to the values of your boss and your colleagues, the things that they talk about in those moments when you're hanging out in the kitchen. If you feel like those conversations, if you feel like those values are really out of alignment with yours and you continuously have to squash down that little voice in your head, that might not be a match. And you don't need to act on it. I get that a paycheck is a paycheck. I totally respect that. But I have talked to a lot of people who feel so drained by their jobs and it's not because

Starting point is 00:29:47 the actual labor of what they are doing is draining. It's because fundamentally, that job is out of alignment with their authentic selves, with their authentic values. And even if they're making good money or rising through the ranks, they feel awful. Because like we were talking about earlier with the celebrity stuff, when you are not being authentic, even huge amounts of praise and success can feel really, really hollow. And I've seen examples where they finally recognize that and they go and they find a new job that's more of a match. And it is like talking to a new person. They are working the same amount of hours,

Starting point is 00:30:23 but they have way more energy. They have way more excitement and just way more zest for life. If you want more information about how to find a job that's an ideal match or how to even know what career might be an ideal match in the first place, I have a lot. I have a lot. I have an episode that's all about this. It's so, so helpful. It's with NYU professor Susie Welch. I will link that for you in the show notes. For work, for relationships, for friendships, you do not need to overhaul your entire life overnight. Start with micro moments of authenticity. Share your honest opinion in a conversation. Where what you actually love, regardless of what the internet or your friends say is cool, share something really vulnerable with a trusted friend.

Starting point is 00:31:07 these small steps reinforced to your brain that being yourself is safe, that all of these disasters that you've built up in your head won't happen, or even if they do, remember, that is redirection, not rejection. Say it with me. This is the theme of the entire episode. It is all valuable information. Be yourself and let the world respond because those responses will point you in the direction of your most authentic, satisfying life.

Starting point is 00:31:41 You deserve to be your truest self. You deserve to feel that incomparable feeling of being loved and accepted and appreciated for exactly who you really are. And I promise you with every fiber of my being that if you give match theory a go, you will get to experience that. Filter your life through a lens of match theory. How can I get the information that you? I need as quickly as I possibly can to find my matches. I cannot wait to hear your success stories.

Starting point is 00:32:16 If you know anyone who would love this episode, please send them a link to listen. We all deserve to start utilizing match theory so we can be our most authentic selves and live our most authentic happiest lives. I want to quickly thank our brand partners who let us bring you this show completely free. I am so, so picky about the brands that I work with. I turn down 99% of them, and I stand behind every single recommendation that I make here. You can save money on amazing products while supporting the show by using the discount codes that we share. There's a full list of all of our active ones at Liz Moody.com slash codes. Make sure that you hit that follow button on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, on YouTube. We have amazing new episodes every Monday and Wednesday.

Starting point is 00:33:03 and following means that they'll show up right in your feed so you will not miss them. You can also watch full video episodes on Spotify and YouTube, so I hope all of you watching have enjoyed this magnificent, colorful sweater that I have been wearing. I love this sweater. It makes me really happy to look at it. You can also come hang out on Instagram. I am at Liz Moody. I share tons of inspiring and always very real, probably too real content, and exactly how

Starting point is 00:33:27 I am using everything that we learn on the podcast in my real life. Okay, I love you. believe in you. I am so excited for you to embrace your authentic self. And I will see you on the next episode of the Liz Moody podcast. Oh, just one more thing. It's the legal language. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. It is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, a psychotherapist, or any other qualified professional. If you have headaches, allergies, brain fog, skin irritation, or you've been dealing with hormone issues, you are especially going to want to listen to this ad. Every single thing that I just listed has been linked

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Starting point is 00:35:36 Branch Basics is now available at Target, Target.com, Amazon, and branchbasics.com. So it's easier than ever to make the switch. And if you want to grab their premium starter kit, you can use code Liz Moody for 15% off at branchbasics.com. That's code Liz Moody for 15% off the premium starter kit at branchbasics.com. And when they ask you where you heard about us, please make sure to mention the show. that is branch basics.com and use code Liz Moody. The number one rule of habits is to make the things that you want easier and the things that you don't want harder. Yet so many of us want to eat healthier, but so few of us actually take

Starting point is 00:36:15 the steps to make eating healthier easier. That's where Marley Spoon comes in. What I love about this company and what's different than all of the other companies out there that are doing stuff in the same arena is that you can customize your choices based on the effort that you want to put in. So if you want them to send you ingredients, so you can make your own 20-minute meal and like get into your chef energy, they'll send it to you to all be in perfect portions so you'll eliminate waste. Great, that's sorted. But they also have meals that you can just heat up. They have ready-made breakfast, which is always such a tough time of day to get a healthy meal in. They have grab and go snacks. Everything is made from farm fresh produce with high

Starting point is 00:36:53 quality proteins and you can select by dietary preferences, including Mediterranean diet, which is the top diet that doctors on this podcast recommend. Also things like gluten-free, dairy-free, low-sodium, anything that you need. The food is so good and it's so gourmet feeling like you feel like you're at a nice restaurant. We're talking like chicken Milanese with a crunchy cucumber arugula salad or everything bagel salmon with truffle chive potatoes. My favorite recent meal was the creamy lemon chicken tray bake. I had one of those moments where I looked at my plate and I was like, wait, I made this. And so quickly, like so easily, it's just so little effort for so much reward.

Starting point is 00:37:30 Marley Spoon just makes eating well feel easy instead of stressful. And honestly, that is everything. This new year, fast track your way to eating well with Marley Spoon. Head to marlyspoon.com slash offer slash Liz Moody for up to 25 free meals. That is right, up to 25 free meals with Marley Spoon. That is Marley Spoon.com slash offer slash Liz Moody. so remember to get the offer in there. MarleySpoon.com slash offer slash Liz Moody for up to 25 free meals.

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