The Liz Moody Podcast - How I Deal with Jealousy + Envy (And Make It Into My Super Power)

Episode Date: May 12, 2025

Do you feel ashamed about your jealousy or envy of others? While these feelings are a healthy part of life, that doesn’t make experiencing them feel any better. Today, I’m giving you my top science-backed tips to help you deal with your jealousy and envy by putting things into perspective and focusing on your own growth and goals.  Jealousy and envy are not the same thing, however they are deeply related. These emotions are completely normal and they also tell us a lot of valuable information about ourselves. Learn how to leverage these feelings to live a happier, more fulfilling life. Ready to uplevel every part of your life? Order Liz’s book 100 Ways to Change Your Life: The Science of Leveling Up Health, Happiness, Relationships & Success now!  To join The Liz Moody Podcast Club Facebook group, go to www.facebook.com/groups/thelizmoodypodcast. Connect with Liz on Instagram @lizmoody or online at www.lizmoody.com. Subscribe to the substack by visiting https://lizmoody.substack.com/welcome. This episode is sponsored by: Shopify: Sign up for a one-dollar-per-month trial period at shopify.com/lizm.  Birch: Go to birchliving.com/lizmoody for 20% off sitewide. Masterclass: Go to masterclass.com/lizmoody for 15% off an annual membership. The Liz Moody Podcast cover art by Zack. The Liz Moody Podcast music by Alex Ruimy. Formerly the Healthier Together Podcast.  This podcast and website represents the opinions of Liz Moody and her guests to the show. The content here should not be taken as medical advice. The content here is for information purposes only, and because each person is so unique, please consult your healthcare professional for any medical questions. The Liz Moody Podcast Episode 328. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello, friends, and welcome to the Liz Moody podcast. Today we're going to get into something that is very near and dear to my heart, dealing with envy and jealousy. This is something that I struggle with a lot, and so I have been very motivated to try out different science-back strategies and find things that actually work, all of which I will be sharing with you here today. I will start with. There is technically a difference between jealousy and envy, which I didn't know about for years. A lot of people don't know. Envy is when you want something that someone else has, a job, a body, a relationship, a life. It's that paying when you scroll past somebody's vacation photos or you hear about a friend's big win and you think, why not me? Jealousy, on the other hand, happens when you're scared of

losing something that you already have. It's that tight feeling in your chest when your partner text somebody in a way that feels maybe like a little bit too flirty or when your best friend starts hanging out with somebody new and you feel left behind. Envy is basically saying, I want that, while jealousy is saying, don't take that from me. I want to make something else immensely clear. Feeling jealousy or envy does not make you a bad person. We quite literally all feel these emotions at some point or another, even the people that you perceive as having it all. I have talked to billionaires. I've talked to celebrities. I've talked to people who have started huge businesses, people who have trust funds that let them hang out on yachts and private islands

and never have to worry about work. And because I am me, I am always trying to ask the real questions. I'm always trying to get into deep conversations. So we talk about jealousy and envy and dissatisfaction and they all have it. Every single person that I've talked to, even the people that we perceive to be at the top of the pedestal, will point to at least one other person and they will say, I wish I had what they have or my life would be so different if I only had this. These are universal emotions and this is interesting. They're actually evolutionarily adaptive. NV likely served as a catalyst for self-improvement.

It helped us see both what we lacked and what we wanted and needed, which motivated us to strive for better resources or social standing, which increased our likelihood to survive and to reproduce. Envy helps us focus on what we want and motivates us to go out. after it, which we will get into a lot more in the rest of this episode. Jealousy, on the other hand, typically comes from a place of fear of losing something that we have to someone else. There are some thoughts that from an evolutionary perspective, this comes from a place of being vigilant about protecting our pair bonds, our relationships to benefit our

offspring. Basically, if you're jealous, you'll ostensibly be more motivated to protect your relationship to enhance it, which is net good for the family unit and having things. thriving offspring. The important thing to point out here is that jealousy and envy are meant to motivate us to take action in our lives. These are emotions that give us important information. We just need to know how to listen to it. We can use them to help figure out our values, our desires, our fears, our goals, and we can turn them into motivation to take action. Just that reframe is really, really helpful for me. Jealousy and envy aren't trying to destroy my life. In some ways, they are on my side trying to help me create the life of my dreams.

And if I do that reframe, I stop resisting these emotions so much. And that actually lessens their hold on me because what we resist persists. This is such a truism and I have experienced it over and over and over in my life. By resisting something, you are giving it the energy that is feeding it, making it grow bigger and stronger. And the second you stop resisting something, it almost always begins to fade away. So let's get in to some science-back strategies. First up, one of my all-time favorite strategies for dealing with envy is asking myself, would I swap my whole life with the person that I'm envious of?

I use this mostly if I'm envious of things that people have, like I wish I had someone's house or somebody's car. Actually, don't give a shit about cars, but somebody's house or just their financial situation generally. Would I swap my husband, my friend, the way that my brain works? everything with their entire lives just to get that thing that they have. I also use this one for fame, which is a really weird one for me. I have this niggling little part of my brain that's like, you have this one wild and precious

life and you'll never get to hear thousands of people singing your songs back to you on stage. And like, to be clear, I cannot sing. But I've just always thought that it must be a peak life experience to get to go up on stage and hear people sing your songs back to you? And in fact, I've interviewed people who've gotten to do that, and they confirm that it is indeed a peak life experience. But do I want everything that comes with fame?

Do I want to always be worried about my safety and my security? Do I want to always wonder if people are hanging out with me because it feels cool or it looks good for them or they think they're going to get something out of it versus because they actually like me? Would I swap my husband or my sister or my friends? The answer becomes immensely clear. No, I would not. There's this part of our brain that just wants to pick and choose to say, like, I want this person's money and this person's partner and this person's job.

But all of those things are created by and they create a web that has so many other effects. Have you heard of the butterfly effect? It's a theory and it was also an Ashton Coucher movie a while back that was universal. panned, but I really enjoyed. The idea is that something seemingly trivial, like a butterfly flapping its wings, could have far-reaching consequences, such as triggering a tornado. Everything in our life, big and super, super-tiny, has these far-reaching effects that we cannot even begin to imagine or understand. So if you like any part of your life, any part of yourself, that's part of what has created your entire life. So even if you say, yeah,

but I could have the money without turning into an asshole or having whatever issue that you see as less than ideal? You don't know. Everything is connected in ways that we really cannot get our heads around. Even the fame thing, I have talked to so many musicians who say that, yes, the high that they get on stage is the best thing in the world. But because of that, they spend the rest of their lives seeking that feeling again, and often that means drugs and alcohol and sex.

It's a high that can make everyday highs feel less sweet. So that is strategy one. If you find yourself envying a specific thing, you can ask yourself, would I swap everything in my life for everything in this person's life? I find it really helpful. The next strategy that I love is to be a detective and figure out the values behind the thing. We can actually start with the fame example. If I look at not the thing itself, fame, but the why behind it.

I realize that what I really want is impact. A large value of mine is feeling like I am changing other people's lives for the better and particularly helping them unlock and experience positive emotions. Do I need to sing songs on stage to do that? No. In fact, that might help them unlock and experience negative emotions. But it sure begins to make sense why I have the job that I have and why it is so, so meaningful to me. But even if I didn't have this job where I can help strangers change their lives for the better, if I put on my detective hat and I figured out that value, I can look around my own life and I can see how I can begin to incorporate that value into the world that I'm already living in.

Goals can be really difficult because they imply an achievement element. You either achieve the goal or you don't. And sometimes that achievement is outside of our control. But it's much more in our control whether we live into our values. and what we envy is an incredibly powerful tool to point us toward those values. If I valued impacting people's lives in a positive way, how can I begin to do that with my family, with my friends, in my greater community? And living into that value will help make the envy about achieving or not achieving the specific goal or life circumstance dissipate. Here are a few questions

that you can ask yourself to begin to figure out the values behind the envy. Who am I envious of? What exactly am I envious of? What need or desire do I think that thing will fulfill for me? What would I feel if I had that thing? Is it joy? Is it connection? Is it security? Is it validation?

I really want you to push with this question and say, what is the feeling that I am seeking out? It is not, I want to be on a yacht. There is some feeling that you are looking for there. And then I want you to ask yourself, are there any other times in my life that I have felt those feelings, even in a much smaller or more subdued way. What was going on?

And last, ask yourself, what is one small way I could get that feeling in my daily life? And sometimes, I'm just going to warn you, that's going to mean voicing your needs and values to the people around you. Okay, next I want to talk about appearance-based envy, which was a harder nut to crack for me. I really struggle with being jealous of pretty privilege,

especially in my job where looking hotter, literally translates into having to do way less work and making way more money. And I've spent years diving into the science of dealing with appearance-based envy, and honestly, a lot of it feels really cheesy and not particularly helpful, like trying to be happy for them that they're so beautiful or knowing that their beauty doesn't reflect mine. But a few things have really worked, and one of them is my classic life motto. If you are a regular pod listener, you have definitely heard this before, but it is my body is for living, not looking.

The more I focus on what my body does versus what it looks like, the less that I care about my appearance. I've talked to a few friends about this, specifically when they deal with postpartum and the absolute insane pressure that society puts on us and we put on ourselves to get back to a certain body. And I think a lot of this is shitty capitalism and patriarchy. But I also want to acknowledge some very real and underlying emotions that are so, so valid. your entire life has changed, your identity, your schedule, your relationships, all of these things.

It can feel really disorienting and it is very, very fair to want your body to feel like your body, like the body you're familiar with amidst all of that. And, and when we zoom out, when we say, my body is for living, not looking, holy shit, is there a better example of the power of a body than to create a human being from scratch? That is wild. Thinking about what your body has done can be so perspective making. I very rarely get genuinely excited about skincare, but this is one of the most innovative products that I have come across in years and I am so obsessed with it. I've been telling all of my friends to get it, so now I need to tell you guys. Here's some science first. Your skin isn't just getting older.

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which is that top 1% of optimization. But by making sure that my mattress and my bedding are as good for me as possible, I literally reduce my exposure during a third of my life, which is a huge needle mover for a one-time swap. I will also note, and this is a me thing, but I sleep super hot and avocado's materials are really breathable, and it makes me sweat the least of any mattress that I have slept on. And avocado is a certified B-Corp and a 1% for the planet member

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And if you want to grab their premium starter kit, you can use code Liz Moody for 15% off at branchbasics.com. That's code Liz Moody for 15% off the premium starter kit at branchbasics.com. And when they ask you where you heard about us, please make sure to mention the show. That is branchbasics.com and use code Liz Moody. The other thing that helps me with appearance-based envy is actually derivative of the butterfly effect thing, which is recognizing that even that, even being beautiful, comes with its own problems. I've talked to so many people who have been lauded for their appearance over the years, whether they're supermodels or just like everyday hot people. And because over and over and over they've been told that this is what people value about them, they live in absolute terror of the world. losing that thing. The people I know who are the most afraid of aging, who are looking at any

possible option to slow down this inevitable life process, this life privilege, are people who have been rewarded the most for their looks. The people I know who are most afraid of gaining a few pounds or becoming pregnant, these are people who have been told that their value is in their body over and over and over. And through all that, they don't even usually love their looks. I remember an interview that I read with Megan Fox where she said that there has never been a single point in her entire life where she loved her body. And this is a body that everyone else is holding up on a pedestal. A body, she also feels like her work depends on her maintaining. I don't envy that. I don't envy that at all. Everything comes with positives and negatives and we often only see the positives. Even if we don't

know the negatives, like the specific negatives going on there, it can be really helpful to to remind ourselves that assuredly they are there. People with thriving businesses might be putting in 70-hour workweek, sacrificing their health and their relationships along the way. Someone with a perfect-looking home or family might deal with perfectionism and insecurities and needing to be perceived a certain way. Pro athletes are notorious for going bankrupt, even though they make millions of dollars,

often because they come from these lower-income communities who sacrifice a lot for that person's dream of playing. pro, and then they feel entitled to ask for some of that back. You buy your mama house, cousins come out of the woodwork for medical bills and for car payments. You're making millions, right? What's a few thousand here or there? To be clear, I'm not saying that being rich or being stunning is all bad. I'm just saying that zooming out, looking at the entire picture is immensely helpful for me when I am dealing with envy. Also, it feels so important to say a lot of what we're envious about is straight up lies. I asked you guys what stoked your envy and so many people said people having these

luxurious lives that I will never get access to. We see people with fancy cars, fancy houses, designer bags on these dream vacations. And I just have to tell you so, so, so many people are going into debt to get these things. If you find yourself thinking, wait, how did Sally do that? I know the job that she has, this isn't adding up. The answer is usually credit card debt. And it's so, so important to talk about this because it's a self-perpetuating cycle where Sally is trying to keep up with a life that she sees somebody else have or that she sees online and then you see Sally buying all of this stuff and you want to do it too. And it's just this insidious, shitty way that capitalism has wormed its way into our lives,

into our feelings of enoughness. So really, I promise you, so, so much more of it is fake than you think. And I am not just talking about the material stuff. If you see something online, there is a very high likelihood that at least some of it is fake, even if it looks so, so real. That perfect relationship with the fawning birthday post. That couple argues there are a million examples of that couple getting a divorce weeks after that post goes up. That girly pop group on the Bachelorette trip, you know there is drama going on behind the scenes.

You know that there's in groups and people feeling left out. But we just see the cute photo and we think, wow, I wish I had friends like that. Remind yourself over and over and over that you are just seeing the tiniest snapshot of the entire picture and often that snapshot is intentionally deceiving you. And I got to talk about inputs for a second because what we expose ourselves to creates our reality. First of all, any media that you are consuming is likely paid for by advertiser. So the literal goal of the apps is to get you to buy things, to make you feel like, like you are not enough and you need to buy things to be enough.

And then in terms of the content itself, in movies, in TV, and social media, and podcasts, our daily life, these are all pieces of the pie that tells us what life should and could feel like. It tells us what's possible and what we should desire. Our subconscious is responding to these inputs all of the time. So we need to be so, so, so careful about what our inputs are. If you have friends who are always buying new things who are putting their values and having the newest purse or the newest car, that's going to influence what you desire, what you're envious of. If you follow social media influencers who are doing PR halls and showing off their luxury vacations,

of course you're going to want that. Probably the single biggest thing that I have done for my own envy is to be incredibly intentional about my inputs, from my real-life friends to the TV shows that I watch to the social media that I engage with. If I watch the Kardashians and selling sunset, I feel poor. I just do. If I watch people who feel like they are perpetually on a luxury vacation, I feel angry that I'm working all of the time. And I do want to say there are two parts there. One, let's go back to the detective work thing and we can ask, what do I really want? Maybe being envious of these luxury vacation people means that I want to feel taken care of and pampered a little bit.

Maybe it means that I need a break, which is definitely true. Maybe my envy over selling sunset means that I want a home that feels safe and expansive, which I do. So using that information, that envy to point to information that we can use to change our lives is so, so important. But then part two is just limiting the exposure. We have got the info that we need. Why are we torturing ourselves? One quick tip that I love for dealing with envy,

and this is related to limiting social media time, is just getting out of my environment, being around people in real life. My most envious moments are when I am sitting, scrolling at home, and when I am out in the world, even just going to a cafe, going to the library, my scope is bigger. Expand the lens of your life. Expose yourself to people living all different lives. I'm not saying to go find people whose lives are worse than yours so you can compare and feel better, but honestly, I'm not not saying that.

We have a tendency to always compare up and noting the things that you do have, the apartment, the friends, the partner, the job, the physical health, the mental health. Whatever you do have, it puts you in such a place of privilege versus so many people on this planet. The vast majority of us are living lives that tons of people on this planet and also tons of people historically didn't even dare to dream about. I am not saying that our problems aren't real, but it can be really helpful for perspective making and also to help cultivate that sense of gratitude for what you do have.

You know when you get the flu for a week and your whole body aches and you're like, wow, I did not appreciate how good my body felt before this. I promise I will appreciate every single day that it feels good from here on out. And then you get better and a week passes and you quickly adjust to your baseline and you forget to feel grateful for the sheer fact of not having chills and body aches. This is how our brains work. We adapt. We're resilient. It is a superpower.

But it can work against us because we can quickly forget to be grateful for all of the amazing things that we do have in our lives. So I like to find little ways to remind myself what it's like to have the proverbial flu. Little ways to feel truly grateful for the things that I do have. It's one thing to say, I'm grateful for my husband, I'm grateful for my job, I'm grateful for my health. It's another thing to really think about how many people do not have those things and how lucky we are every single moment that we do. I've shared this in other episodes, but one of my favorite tricks here is picturing your life without that person or without that thing.

Really picturing losing your husband or your house or your job or your dog or whatever. It sounds really grim. It is really grim. But it is hugely helpful in appreciating in a real way the many amazing things in your life instead of constantly feeling envious of the things that you don't have. At the root of so much jealousy and envy is this quiet, sneaky belief that we are not enough. We're not pretty enough. We're not successful enough. We're not wanted enough. And when we do not feel like we're enough, other people's wins feel like threats instead of neutral facts. But when we do feel like enough when we actually believe that we are worthy as we are, we stop viewing the world as a giant scoreboard. We stop feeling like somebody else's beauty or career or relationship is

proof of our lack. Feeling like enough addresses the root cause of jealousy and of envy. And while this could definitely be an entire podcast unto itself, let me know if you want me to make it one about how to feel like enough. I'm going to share one of my favorite, favorite, science-backed tips here. One of the best tricks for feeling like enough is something that I stumbled across in a really cool study. Researchers found that when people wrote down all of the ways that they were already enough, skills that they had, or ways that they had shown up for people or obstacles that they'd overcome, they not only felt less envy and jealousy, they were way more likely to take meaningful action toward their goals. The trick is that it has to be concrete. So instead of saying,

I'm a kind person, right? I brought soup to my friend when she was sick. Or I answered that email even though I was so tired, but I knew it was important and I got it done. I keep a running list in the notes app of my phone. My notes app is crazy, guys. I'm one of those people who are like, you look at their notes app and you're like, what is going on here?

But it is my gold star list. It's a list of reminders of all of the moments that I was proud of myself, even if nobody else saw. It's like creating a little personal receipts folder for your worthiness. And when you reread it on the days where that not enough voice is loud, it can actually rewire your brain to recognize your value. It's kind of like a gratitude practice, but it's for your own self. It's ways that you are grateful for you. It's really powerful and I highly, highly encourage you to try it. Again, it's called my gold star list. The title is just three gold stars. And I just have a list of all of the little ways that I've shown up for myself and for the world.

Here, I can read you some. Did a really good podcast interview. Did barbell squats by myself at the gym? Drove two hours to sit with my friend when she was having an anxious evening. Took my dad and sister on vacation. I'm reading this and I'm like, wow, who is this person? I love her. And it's me.

For envy, this list shifts your focus away from a scarcity mindset and into a mindset that's so appreciative. of all of your amazing unique qualities. Like maybe I don't have that person's house or job or partner, but look at all of the incredible things that I do have and I have done. It softens that pang of longing by anchoring you in your own abundance. And for jealousy, which remember is more of the don't take away what I have energy, it gives you a foundation of self-worth that makes you feel more secure. When you are tapped into your own value,

You do not spiral as hard when your partner is talking to somebody else or when a friend is hanging out with somebody new because you have evidence that you are worthy and that you are irreplaceable. So just to recap, here are the big takeaways to help you actually do something with this information because you know that we love actually changing our lives, not just sitting here and talking about it. So first, reframe envy and jealousy as messengers, not enemies. They are trying to show you what you care about. This is valuable, valuable information. You can use the full life swap out question to zoom out and remind yourself that everything comes with tradeoffs. You can be a detective.

You can ask yourself what value we're feeling is underneath the thing that you're craving and you can find ways to live into that value in your life today. You can limit your inputs online and in real life to stop feeding the comparison trap. And you can get in the habit of building your gold star list with concrete moments that prove your worth. I really love this one. It's one of my very favorite things that I do. And then when jealousy creeps in, you can ground yourself in that list. It is evidence that you are enough. You are loved. You are irreplaceable. These are really small steps and you do not have to do all of them, as I always say on this podcast. Just pick and choose the ones that speak to you.

You got the information now. Trust yourself to know what's going to help you the most. but these steps all work. They're going to work really quickly, and I promise you they're going to make an actual difference. If you found this episode or any of the tools in it helpful, please do me a favor and send a link to a friend or a family member or a colleague. It is the best, best way to support the podcast, and it is so, so appreciated. Sharing and following the podcast are the two ways that you can help make sure that we can continue to get great guests and to produce great episodes for you. So speaking of that, I would be so, so grateful if you took just two seconds to hit that follow button on Apple or on Spotify, more than

50% of you listening are not yet following the podcast. So even if you think you're following, just take a quick second to make sure that you are. We are able to keep this show totally free thanks to the amazing brand partners that you heard about in this episode. You can support the podcast and save money by using the discount codes that we share. There is a full list of them at Liz Moody.com slash codes. And if you want to read the entire transcript for today's episode or just get a list of the top line takeaways, head over to lizmoody.substack.com. You're also going to get exclusive content like challenges, meal plans, bonus expert interviews. There's so much good stuff on there. It's a hidden gem, Liz Moody.substack.com. And of course, come hang out with me on

Instagram. I am at Liz Moody. I share tons of behind the scenes tips. I share tools that I'm personally using. Real talk about how I am applying everything that we learn here on the podcast to my everyday life. I love you. I am so honored that you chose to spend this time with me today. And I will see you next time on the next episode of the Liz Moody podcast. Oh, just one more thing. It's the legal language. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. It is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, a psychotherapist, or any other qualified professional. When you think about strength and resilience, like your ability to feel energized, to recover well, to stay strong as you get older.

What do you think that actually comes from? Most people say working out or good nutrition, and yes, of course that matters. But there is a biological foundation underneath all of that that most people are completely overlooking. I have been diving deep into this lately with the team at timeline and what I've learned has genuinely shifted how I think about my own health. Every single movement that your body makes, every step, every workout, every muscle contraction depends on energy produced at the cellular level. And at the center of that is your

mitochondria. Here's the thing that nobody tells you, certainly nobody told me, starting around age 30, our mitochondria naturally become less efficient. More get damaged, more become sluggish, and over time that impacts your energy, your strength, your recovery, and your resilience. Most of us respond by pushing more. We're like noticing these things and we're adding in more protein. We're trying to fix it with more supplements. We're trying to do harder workouts. And those things do help. But timelines research suggests that we also need to be supporting the cellular machinery underneath. And that is exactly what their supplement mitopure does. It contains urolithin A, which helps your body clear out damage mitochondria and support healthier ones

so that your cells can produce energy more efficiently. Because this is happening to your cells, it's going to impact your entire body, your immune system, your muscles. One study found that taking mitochondere increased muscle strength by 12% in four months with no change in exercise routine, it's going to impact your energy, your sleep, your skin, your cell health impacts all of this, and urolithaonea keeps your cells healthy. Timeline has done over 15 years of research and testing on this one product, urolithin A, which, by the way, most of us lack the gut bacteria to synthesize naturally. that's why many of us need to supplement it to get the benefits. This has become a staple

supplement for me. It is my top way to support how I want to look and feel as I age. Support yourselves and how you age with mitopure gummies from Timeline. Visit Timeline.com slash Liz and save up to 39% on your mitochondrure gummies. That is timeline.com slash Liz. I'm genuinely confused how masterclass gets literally the absolute top people in every single field to teach every single one of their classes. I use it when I want to learn things directly, like the cooking class from Thomas Keller has all of the wisdom that you would normally have to go to culinary school for. But also, I'm being honest, this is like a use case I don't hear a lot of people talking about. I'll just watch it for entertainment when I want to do something that's far more interesting than scrolling. Christina Aguilera

taught me to sing. Shan Boudrum's Art of Mastering Confidence and Sex Appeal class is 10 out of 10. There's menopause classes with leading doctors. There's script writing with Mindy Kaling. Literally, you name they're on Masterclass and it is such a good way to get off your phone but have something that's like not quite as long or hard to get into as a TV show or a movie and that it just keeps you entertained and interested and you are learning. There are over 200 classes from the world's best all for just $10 a month when billed annually and you get unlimited access to every class on the platform so you can learn at your own pace whenever you want on your phone, your computer or even in audio mode like a podcast. If you're looking to stop scrolls,

and start consuming entertaining content that makes you feel excited and helps you learn. Masterclass is it. And the best part, every membership comes with a 30-day money-back guarantee so you can start learning risk-free. Right now, our listeners get an additional 15% off any annual membership at Masterclass.com slash Liz Moody. That's 15% off at Masterclass.com slash Liz Moody, Masterclass.com slash Liz Moody.