The Liz Moody Podcast - How To Know If You’ve Found “The One”: The Science of Soulmates

Starting point is 00:00:00 Do you believe in soulmates? What if the way that we've been taught to think about the One is actually holding us back from finding real lasting love? I actually have some pretty unconventional thoughts on Soulmates. The way that most of us approach the idea of the One might be doing more harm than good. We're chasing feelings that don't always align with reality and often ignoring what science tells us actually matters in a relationship. That disconnect can cause confusion, heartbreak, and unrealistic expectations,

Starting point is 00:00:29 and it's time we start looking at love through a different lens. Stick around until the end because if you have ever questioned your relationship, this episode might just change how you think about love forever. In this episode of the Liz Moody podcast, we're diving into the truth about soulmates. You'll learn what research actually says about connection and compatibility, why that magical spark can be misleading, and the surprising predictors of long-term relationship success. I will also share two transformative questions that can help you know if someone is truly the one.

Starting point is 00:01:06 Let's start with a question. When you meet someone, how do you actually know if they could be your soulmate? We've all grown up on the idea that there's one person out there that we're destined to be with. It is in every rom-com, every fairy tale, every love song. Even if you don't think you believe in soulmates, this idea still sneaks in. Take that Lana Del Rey lyric. It's like, when you know, you know, sorry for the singing. I totally love it, but it suggests that there's this magical moment of certainty, that

Starting point is 00:01:36 lightning bolt, that spark, that movie scene where two people lock eyes across a crowded room and the world goes into slow motion. And because of all of that, without even being consciously aware of it, a lot of us start measuring love by those feelings, by the butterflies, by the drama, by that instant connection. We think that that's what tells us that someone is. is the one. But the truth is that spark can be really misleading. We will get to more on that soon. But first, I get asked all the time, how did you know that Zach was your soulmate? Here's the story. I met Zach at a bar when I was 21 years old. I spotted him across the room

Starting point is 00:02:15 and I thought he was super cute. And I was a little drunk and feeling bold. So I waltzed across the room and I hit on him. And what I specifically said is deeply embarrassing and a story for another day. But he found me charming. And we ended up talking all night. And then I invited half the bar back to my apartment just so I would have a reason to keep hanging out with him. And Zach and I were out on the balcony for hours making out. And my friend Nima kept coming out and being like, Liz, people are breaking glasses. And I was like, you got this Nima. Handle it. And Zach and I have been together ever since. I think that's like 16 or maybe 17 years now. He is my best friend. And I feel so lucky to have him in my life. But here's the honest question that I keep coming back to. Was that fate?

Starting point is 00:03:03 Is Zach my soulmate? That's what I want to explore in this episode, because the answer might be more complicated and more freeing than we've been led to believe. But that whole idea that there's one perfect person out there for each of us that will just know when we meet them is so deeply ingrained in us that psychologists have actually named it, the destiny belief. The destiny belief is the idea that love is predetermined and that you either find your other half or you don't. And again, this is something that slips in whether we're consciously aware of it or not. When we say, they're out there, I just haven't found them or I know I'll find my person someday, these are subtly implying a destiny belief. And unfortunately, studies show that believing in soulmates can

Starting point is 00:03:50 can actually make your relationship worse. One study found that people who strongly believe in soulmates as destiny are more likely to walk away from relationships when problems arise because they interpret conflict as proof that they picked wrong. The idea is that if someone is your soulmate, everything would be going swimmingly, you want to be running into these types of conflict. And again, I feel like it's important to note that so many of us have this, even if it is super unconscious, we feel like we found our person and then we have certain experts

Starting point is 00:04:20 of the relationship because this is our person after all. The opposite of believing in soulmates? It's called a growth belief and it changes everything. Research shows that people with growth beliefs are happier and more resilient in their relationships. They see conflict not as evidence that they're doomed, but as an opportunity to learn more about each other and grow stronger together. This really lines up with how I view my relationship with Zach. Was he my soulmate when I met him?

Starting point is 00:04:50 No, he was a person that I had a really fun night with. He was a person I enjoyed spending one day with enough to spend the next and the next and the next and the next. And over that time, that's when we built something real. He's become my soulmate over the years through the communication skills that we've learned and the fights that we've had and the adventures that we've gone on and the intimacy that we've shared. At this point, there's no person who is more my soulmate on this planet because there's no person that I've built more with over time and no person who I want to build more with in the future. And I don't think people talk about this often enough, but while I love Zach and I feel so lucky to have met him, I could have built this beautiful life with other people, including non-romantic partners and including community. We have so many paths to fulfillment in our lives. And one of the most exciting things that I've seen happening recently is people pushing back on this movie narrative of one way to live a good life, like you get a job, you get married, you buy a house, you have kids. That might be a wonderful path for you. And it really, really might not be.

Starting point is 00:05:59 And it might be limiting you to conform to that when actually living with three girlfriends and raising your kids together might make you truly happy or having a partner and not having kids or not having a partner and not having kids. Diane Keaton, who is an Oscar winning actress, she never got married. She adopted. She raised her two kids. as a single mom. She's built this wonderfully creative, independent life filled with friendships and art and writing and decades of incredible film work. Tracy Ellis Ross chose not to marry or have children and she often talks about how much joy she finds in her friendships and her work and her company. She's built this hugely successful acting career. She's launched her own beauty brand

Starting point is 00:06:40 and she just oozes like, this is not second place. This is my choice and I am loving it. Charlize Theron is co-parenting her kids with her mom, and she often talks about how wonderful their setup is. I personally know a very famous Oscar winner who lives with his best friend in New York, and they have this beautiful apartment, and they have committed to living together long term, even though they both could very much afford to have their own places. And even though their relationship is 100% platonic, they just love living together. It's way more fun. So that's what they do. Oprah never got married because she felt like marriage would change the dynamics of her long-term relationship with Stedman.

Starting point is 00:07:22 Guys, I could go on. I have been an avid Us Weekly Reader for years just to be able to arm you with these types of examples and these types of examples matter because our brains are wired to feel safe with what's familiar even when it is not what's best for us. The stories were exposed to literally shape the possibilities that we allow ourselves. They shape the direction that our lives take. So exposing yourself to different stories, showing your brain that there are different narratives is so, so important. So if that zingy feeling we get when we first meet someone, that music stops, time slows down feeling isn't a sign that they are a soulmate.

Starting point is 00:08:02 What is it? What accounts for that strong initial attraction? Well, just prepare yourself. This made so much sense when I first heard it and it was such a huge aha for me. but it's also very different than anything that we've been told for our entire lives. Ready? I'm going to read you a passage from maybe you should talk to someone by the therapist Lori Gottlieb. What most people mean by type is a sense of attraction,

Starting point is 00:08:28 a type of physical appearance or a type of personality turns them on. But what underlies a person's type, in fact, is a sense of familiarity. It's no coincidence that people who had angry parents often end up choosing angry partners, that those with alcoholic parents are frequently drawn to partners who drink quite a bit, and that those who had withdrawn or critical parents find themselves married to spouses who are withdrawn or critical. This was such a glass-breaking moment for me. A lot of the time that initial attraction, that initial pull, is due to familiarity.

Starting point is 00:09:03 Our brains love what's familiar. We've talked before about the mere exposure effect, which is the idea that the more we're exposed to something, the more we like it. We've talked a lot about using it to build friendships, but it applies to pretty much everything. It's why when we first hear a song, we might be like, eh, I don't know if I like it, but then we hear it more and more and we're like, oh, wait, I love this song. And it applies to people too. And unfortunately, there's no rule in our brains that it only needs to apply in a good way. Sometimes that chemistry you feel, it's just your brain being drawn to what's familiar, especially if it's toxic.

Starting point is 00:09:39 Our brains are wired to notice and store threats more strongly, so these negative patterns from childhood often create a powerful sense of familiarity that can show up as a spark. And yes, that sense of familiarity can be a positive association from childhood too. But the fact that it can really go either way and it's even biased towards negative moments because, again, your brain is trying to protect you from threats, is enough reason for me to disregard the spark entirely. There are so many other better predictors of who would make sense to build a life with. And I have seen far, far too many friends disregard amazing people because they just don't feel that strong spark. And it's like, what if the spark is bad? What if the spark is your brain pulling you down a path

Starting point is 00:10:28 that has hurt you in the past just because it's familiar? Meanwhile, we dismiss the calm and steady and consistent people as boring. But boring is actually the nervous. system learning safety, and safety is a key component of a healthy long-term relationship. When it comes to knowing if someone's a true life partner, not just the one, but your one, if the spark doesn't mean that somebody is our soulmate. How do we know if we should be with a person? Again, I've got two questions coming up that I find super useful. But first, let's debunk more love myths. You've probably heard the saying that opposites attract, right? Like the quiet, bookish one falls for the life of the party or the uptight planner finds their free-spirited

Starting point is 00:11:12 artist. It's a trope in basically every rom-com ever. And it can feel true because honestly, difference is exciting. Even though our brains may recognize familiarity as a spark, psychologists have also found that we are occasionally attracted to people who balance out traits that we lack. So if you find social interactions awkward, being with a social butterfly can take some of that pressure off. If we are more buttoned up, somebody who's a lot more free-spirited can feel like a breath of fresh air. But the science is really clear on this. Decades of research show that even if you have differences in your personalities, it's the similarity in values that makes love last. This is like the deep underlying stuff. It doesn't matter if they're into golf

Starting point is 00:11:58 and you're into tennis or if they like to read and you find it really boring. Having different interests can actually be really fun because you can bring those things into each other's lives and you can use those things separately to fill your own cups. Like I picture Taylor Swift sharing her favorite books with Travis Kelsey and teaching him new words. And then also having those friends that she's going to go really deep with and write songs and have all these literature references that Travis likely won't get. And she'll just have a different type of connection with those people. But interests are different than values. Values are beliefs. Values are beliefs. about things like family, money, ambition, and religion. And if you are not aligned on them,

Starting point is 00:12:39 you are setting yourself up for a lot of problems. Core values shape how you make decisions, what you prioritize, and how you measure a good life. If you and your partner both believe that family is central or that financial security matters above everything else, you will naturally make more aligned choices and you will avoid this constant sense of negotiation, this constant sense of somebody getting what they want and somebody else being disappointed. Having the same core values creates a sense of seeing the world through the same lens, which makes you feel like you're on the same team. It makes you feel like your partners going through life together rather than you're with somebody that you're budding up against constantly. If you do not have the same

Starting point is 00:13:21 core values, you might be able to get through some of the easier times in a relationship. But in long-term relationships, it is never going to be easy all of the time. People will get sick. There will be hard financial decisions. There will be stressful times. And in those times, if your core values are not aligned, there's going to be a lot more friction. Life milestones like buying a home or having kids or not having kids or getting an exciting job opportunity can become breaking points if your values are not aligned because instead of working toward a shared vision, you are negotiating competing dreams. which is why it's also so important to be on the same page about your vision for the future. Because again, like we talked about, there are all of these options available to us now, which is amazing. But if you're not intentional, you can end up living a life that you didn't really choose.

Starting point is 00:14:15 Having a partner that you are vision aligned with means that you are working toward the same future. It's like getting in a car with someone. You want to be aligned on the destination. And maybe you'll hit bumps in the road. Maybe you'll decide on a detour. Maybe you'll hear about another destination and decide that you should change course and that that's more worth visiting. The journey can take you to all sorts of unexpected places and that is an amazing part of life. But you need to know where the car is going.

Starting point is 00:14:45 Everyone in the car needs to know where it's going at all times and everyone needs to be on board with that. When you think about strength and resilience, like your ability to feel energized, to recover well, to stay strong as you get older, what do you think that actually comes from? Most people say working out or good nutrition, and yes, of course that matters. But there is a biological foundation underneath all of that that most people are completely overlooking. I have been diving deep into this lately with the team at timeline and what I've learned has genuinely shifted how I think about my own health.

Starting point is 00:15:19 Every single movement that your body makes, every step, every workout, every muscle contraction depends on energy produced at the cellular level. And at the center of that is your mitochondria. Here is the thing that nobody tells you, certainly nobody told me, starting around age 30, our mitochondria naturally become less efficient. More get damaged, more become sluggish, and over time that impacts your energy, your strength, your recovery, and your resilience. Most of us respond by pushing more.

Starting point is 00:15:48 we're like noticing these things and we're adding in more protein. We're trying to fix it with more supplements. We're trying to do harder workouts. And those things do help. But timelines research suggests that we also need to be supporting the cellular machinery underneath. And that is exactly what their supplement, Mitopure, does. It contains Erolithin A, which helps your body clear out damage mitochondria and support

Starting point is 00:16:11 healthier ones so that your cells can produce energy more efficiently. Because this is happening to your cells, it's going to impact. your entire body, your immune system, your muscles. One study found that taking mitochondria increased muscle strength by 12% in four months with no change in exercise routine, it's going to impact your energy, your sleep, your skin, your cell health impacts all of this, and urolithinea keeps your cells healthy. Timeline has done over 15 years of research and testing on this one product, urolithin A, which, by the way, most of us lack the gut bacteria to synthesize naturally. That's why many of us need to supplement it to get the benefits.

Starting point is 00:16:48 This has become a staple supplement for me. It is my top way to support how I want to look and feel as I age. Support yourselves and how you age with mitopure gummies from Timeline. Visit Timeline.com slash Liz and save up to 39% on your mitopure gummies. That is timeline.com slash Liz. I'm genuinely confused how masterclass gets literally the absolute top people in every single field to teach every single one of their classes. I use it when I want to learn things directly like the cooking class from

Starting point is 00:17:21 Thomas Keller has all of the wisdom that you would normally have to go to culinary school for. But also, I'm being honest, this is like a use case I don't hear a lot of people talking about. I'll just watch it for entertainment when I want to do something that's far more interesting than scrolling. Christina Aguilera taught me to sing. Shan Boodrum's Art of Mastering Confidence and Sex Appeal class. It's 10 out of 10. There's menopause classes with leading doctors. There's script writing with Mindy Kaly.

Starting point is 00:17:46 Literally, you name it. They're on masterclass and it is such a good way to get off your phone but have something that's like not quite as long or hard to get into as a TV show or a movie and that it just keeps you entertained and interested. And you are learning. There are over 200 classes from the world's best all for just $10 a month when billed annually. And you get unlimited access to every class on the platform so you can learn at your own pace whenever you want on your phone, your computer, or even in audio mode like a podcast. If you're looking to stop scrolling and start consuming entertaining content that makes you feel excited and helps you feel excited and helps

Starting point is 00:18:21 you learn, Masterclass is it. And the best part, every membership comes with a 30-day money-back guarantee so you can start learning risk-free. Right now, our listeners get an additional 15% off any annual membership at Masterclass.com slash Liz Moody. That's 15% off at Masterclass.com slash Liz Moody. Masterclass.com slash Liz Moody. I very rarely get genuinely excited about skincare, but this is one of the most innovative products that I have come across in years. And I am so obsessed with it. I've been telling all of my friends to get it, so now I need to tell you guys. Here's some science first. Your skin isn't just getting older. It's being actively broken down by something called senescent cells. These are cells that have stopped functioning but refused to die.

Starting point is 00:19:08 They sit there releasing inflammatory signals, breaking down your collagen, degrading your skin barrier, and accelerating every visible sign of aging. Scientists call them zombie cells, and as they accumulate, they are one of the primary drivers of how old your skin looks and feels. The team at one skin, a group of female longevity researchers and PhDs, spent five years testing over 900 peptides to figure out how to help reduce the accumulation of senescent cells. And they finally landed on it. OSO1, the first peptide scientifically studied to reduce skin's biological age at the molecular level. OSO1 goes in and it clears out the senescential. it sells so it helps skin function like healthier, younger looking skin. It is not masking the

Starting point is 00:19:54 signs of aging. It's not targeting one thing. It is actually rolling the clock back at a cellular level. I've been using the face moisturizer for almost six months now and I love it so much. It feels amazing. It goes on really smoothly. It's not tacky at all. And I actually see a difference, which I just feel like is never the case with skincare. You want to always like see a real difference and you're kind of like, do I? Do I? And this I genuinely do. Because it's clearing the senescent cells, it doesn't just target one thing. So my skin looks firmer. It looks glowier. The texture feels dramatically smoother. And I feel like you can see that too. I also love the body moisturizer. It dries down really quickly, which is always a pet peeve of mine with moisturizers. I hate that like sticky

Starting point is 00:20:37 feeling when you go to put your clothes on. This does not do that. But it does moisturize really, really well. and then again, I'm reducing my skin's biological age. I am not making it just look younger. I am making it actually younger. One Skin has four peer-reviewed clinical studies and over 10,000 five-star reviews. The data backs everything up. For a limited time, get 15% off with code Liz at oneskin.c.c.com slash Liz. Again, that's 15% off at oneskin.co with code Liz.

Starting point is 00:21:10 Okay. Next up, there's this fascinating, concept in psychology called the Michelangelo effect. It's the idea that the right partner doesn't just love you. They help shape you into the best version of yourself. And while that sounds beautiful, it's also kind of overwhelming. Because think about it, today we expect our partners to be everything, our lover, our best friend, our co-parent, the co-CEO of our household. And now they're also supposed to help us become our ideal self. That's a lot. However, I do think that there's a lot of truth in the idea that our partner needs to support not only who we are, but who we want to evolve into. They need to love us now and, if not facilitate our growth, at least not stand in the way of it.

Starting point is 00:21:56 There are so many people that I know who are actively being held back by their partners. Their partners got comfy, loving one person, and they're afraid of that person changing. And I get it because that is so scary. And our partners have such a huge influence on our ability to. grow and to change. They have so much power to hold us back. And I think it's worth considering when you meet someone and as you continue to explore a relationship with them, is this person expanding my world? Are they supporting my expansion? And this can be in less traditional ways. Like maybe they give you such a cozy, comfy landing space that you feel safe spreading your wings.

Starting point is 00:22:37 Or maybe they challenge you or they encourage you to push yourself. But I do think it doesn't need to be the Michelangelo effect, but that space to grow and evolve, that permission to do so, needs to be there in some capacity. The other thing that absolutely needs to be there is effort. Because, like we talked about, I believe that soulmates are not found. They are made. But what you do find is somebody who is willing to show up to put in the work, to build that connection with you. In fact, research consistently shows that deliberate effort is one of the strongest predictors of long-term relationship satisfaction. Doctors John and Julie Gottman, who we had on the podcast, they did decades of studies on

Starting point is 00:23:19 what makes couples successful. And they found that the happiest, most stable pairs were the ones who regularly did something called turning toward one another in small moments. This means answering bids for attention. Like if your partner says, hey, look at this. What do you think about this? Turning towards means actually responding versus ignoring them and continuing to scroll on your phone, which I know so many of us, myself sometimes included,

Starting point is 00:23:43 are guilty of, things like showing gratitude or repairing after arguments. These are teeny microch choices that we're making day after day, but they're the foundation of a successful long-term relationship. This is effort that you and your partner are either choosing to make or not, and you need a partner who's going to be willing to make that effort. One of my very favorite ways to do that to make the effort is to try new things together. Research shows that couples who experience something new, really small, report feeling more in love afterward. That's why I live by something that I call the novelty rule. It is one small new thing each week and one bigger adventure each month. It does not have to be huge. It just has to be new. The novelty rule is designed to slow down your brain's

Starting point is 00:24:31 perception of time and make life feel longer and more satisfying. But I also really encourage people to use it with partners. Zach and I almost always do our monthly novelty rule adventure together. novelty sparks dopamine, which tricks your brain into associating that rush of excitement with your partner, which keeps your connection fresh. It kind of hijacks the system that tricks you into thinking you're in love. They do this on The Bachelor all of the time. That's how they all think they're in love after like three weeks because they're doing all of these novel activities. I have a whole podcast on the novelty rule with lots of different activity ideas. But again, the key here is the willingness to do these things. Are you with someone who wants to. to put the effort in to become soulmates. And then the last little bit of science that I want to touch on is research that shows that deep self-disclosure, basically sharing your secrets, your fears, the messiest parts of yourself, accelerates closeness in a way that nothing else does. One of the key parts of creating that soulmateness is for everyone involved to be willing to share those things, to get truly vulnerable. That vulnerability is going to be a key way that you become soulmates,

Starting point is 00:25:40 meaning a more likely soulmate is somebody who is open to that in the first place. It's one of the reasons why I love question cards so much because it creates the space for that vulnerability. But however you do it, you will become so much closer with somebody that you share your whole self with, who shares their whole self with you. All of which brings me to my two questions. These two questions will tell you if you're with the right person, if they're the one. question one is this a person you would enjoy doing boring everyday activities with 99% of life is grocery shopping and long car rides and doing the dishes after dinner you want a partner who's going to make those moments easier not harder ideally you want a partner who's going to make those

Starting point is 00:26:25 moments actually enjoyable and then question two is is this a person you want to go through life's hardest moments with? Is this the person that you want by your side for a cancer diagnosis or a death in your family? Because the only universal truth in life is that absolutely none of us are getting out of it without facing those types of things. And I know so many people who have partners that make the hardest times so much more challenging. The science is so, so clear. Soulmates are not found. They are built. Our favorite study ever on this podcast are most Post-quoted study ever is the Harvard study of adult development. It is the longest running study on happiness and human health that has ever been conducted. And they found that the single biggest

Starting point is 00:27:12 predictor of living a long, meaningful life was not money or career or exercise. It was the quality of our relationships. The quality, not finding the one, not the person who time stops for when you see them across the room. The quality that you build together over time. And I just want to re-emphasize because I just, I don't think we talk about this enough. Soulmates do not have to be romantic. They can be friends. They can be siblings. They can be mentors.

Starting point is 00:27:41 They can be chosen family. There are so, so many ways to create a beautiful life. There are so, so many people that we can build this beautiful soulmate connection with. So I would ask yourself the two questions. And then I would start building, start turning toward each other's bids, start aligning on values and visions, start trying new things and integrating that novelty into your lives, start being vulnerable and sharing your messiest and truest selves. That is how you find your soulmate. That is how you build your soulmate. You make the choices together that turn you into soulmates day after day,

Starting point is 00:28:19 month after month, year after year. If any of this resonated with you, I would so appreciate it if you would send it to one person that you think would benefit. Maybe somebody who's stuck in the vision of soulmates that's holding them back from their best life, maybe just somebody you want to talk about this stuff with. Sharing is the best way to support the podcast, and it is so appreciated. If you could also just take one quick second to check that you are following the podcast, it is immensely helpful for all of the algorithms and it makes sure that future episodes will show up right in your feed. Drop a comment and let me know what this episode brought up for you or how you define the one. I read every single one, and I love hearing your thoughts. Okay, I love you. I love you.

Starting point is 00:28:59 I love what we're building and creating here together, and I will see you on the next episode of the Liz Moody podcast. Oh, just one more thing. It's the legal language. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. It is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, a psychotherapist, or any other qualified professional. When it comes to wellness, you're going to get the best results by focusing on the big needle

Starting point is 00:29:27 movers. A lot of us spend a lot of time trying to optimize that last one. which creates a ton of stress and it actually doesn't help our health that much. At the top of the needle mover list, sleep. And one of the best ways to optimize your sleep is to optimize your mattress, which is why I love avocado green mattress so much. First of all, this mattress is so comfortable. I have the one with the pillow top, which is medium firm, and it's just a dream. I miss it when I travel. It's better than even the fanciest hotel beds. Having a mattress that supports your joints and your body and feels good is going to help you get more

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Starting point is 00:30:40 all of my clothing, which is that top 1% of optimization. But by making sure that my mattress and my bedding are as good for me as possible, I literally reduce my exposure during a third of my life, which is a huge needle mover for a one-time swap. I will also know, and this is a me thing, but I sleep super hot and avocado's materials are really breathable, and it makes me sweat the least of any mattress that I have slept on. And avocado is a certified B-Corp and a 1% for the planet member because caring for yourself and caring for the planet do not have to be separate things. You can get up to 20% off organic mattresses and more by shopping Avocados Presidents Day Sale

Starting point is 00:31:20 right now at avocadogreenmatress.com. That is avocadogreenmatress.com, no code needed. The number one rule of habits is to make the things that you want easier and the things that you don't want harder. Yet so many of us want to eat healthier, but so few of us actually take the steps to make eating healthier easier. That's where Marley Spoon comes in. What I love about this company and what's different than all of the other companies out there that are doing like stuff in the same arena is that you can customize your choices based on the effort that you want to put in. So if you want them to send you ingredients, so you can make your own 20-minute meal and like get into it. your chef energy. They'll send it to you to all be in perfect portions so you'll eliminate waste.

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The Liz Moody Podcast - How To Know If You’ve Found “The One”: The Science of Soulmates

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