The Liz Moody Podcast - "I Don't Want to Have Sex With My Partner!" & Other Taboo Relationship Qs with Girls Gotta Eat

Episode Date: August 27, 2025

I’m joined by the absolutely hilarious and wise, Ashley Hesseltine and Rayna Greenberg, co‑hosts of the Girls Gotta Eat podcast – one of the best chatty, sex, romance and dating podcasts. In this episode, we answer your anonymous, juicy sex questions, plus uncover the confessions about your relationships you’ve been too scared to say out loud. With humor and heart, Ashley and Rayna bring their 7+ years of experience, to share their amazing, practical advice to navigate these very tricky situations. You’ll leave with mindset shifts, tangible relationship hacks, and more courage to live your happiest, most authentic life. You don’t want to miss this one! In this episode, we get into: How to get your partner to do what you want in bed How to have a greater sex drive How often you should be having sex Porns influence on a relationship Handling a partner’s changing physical appearance Body confidence The benefits of masturbation and pleasure How long it should take to orgasm And so much more! For more from Rayna & Ashley, find them on Instagram @girlsgottaeatpodcast, online at www.girlsgottaeat.com, or listen to their podcast, Girls Gotta Eat. Check out the Girls Gotta Eat episode with Liz: Hacks for Deeper Relationships, Enjoyable Career, and Fulfilling Life with Liz Moody Ready to uplevel every part of your life? Order Liz’s book 100 Ways to Change Your Life: The Science of Leveling Up Health, Happiness, Relationships & Success now!  Connect with Liz on Instagram @lizmoody or online at www.lizmoody.com. Subscribe to the substack by visiting https://lizmoody.substack.com/welcome. Use our discount codes from our  highly vetted and tested brand partners by visiting https://www.lizmoody.com/codes.  To join The Liz Moody Podcast Club Facebook group, go to www.facebook.com/groups/thelizmoodypodcast. This episode is brought to you completely free thanks to the following podcast sponsor: Evlo: head to EvloFitness.com and use code LIZMOODY to get 6 full weeks completely FREE. The Liz Moody Podcast cover art by Zack. The Liz Moody Podcast music by Alex Ruimy. Formerly the Healthier Together Podcast.  This podcast and website represents the opinions of Liz Moody and her guests to the show. The content here should not be taken as medical advice. The content here is for information purposes only, and because each person is so unique, please consult your healthcare professional for any medical questions. The Liz Moody Podcast Episode 359. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I love my husband very much, but when it comes to sex, I'm no longer attracted to him. We've been together for 15 years. It's been an issue for the last five. I mean, it's obvious. I was going to ask that. Like, do you ever think it's okay to comment on your partner's body? Would you say I've been faking orgasms for years? Oh, my God. I mean, if that is, I don't know, this isn't the 50s. I don't know. Sex toys are a thing. I don't know. Right. Do you think it's okay to say to your partner? I don't like it when you watch porn and I don't want you to do it anymore.

Then you're already in like a sexual headspace? How often do you guys masturbate? How do you know when it's time to break up with somebody? How much time do you have? Hello, friends, and welcome back to the Liz Moody podcast. Today we are diving headfirst into those taboo moments and long-term relationships, the ones that nobody is talking about, but everybody is secretly wondering about, like how much sex are other people having?

What happens when you stop wanting to have sex with your partner? How long should it take to orgasm? What happens when you are more turned on by your romance novel, than by your partner. I could not be more excited by my guest today, Ashley Heseltine and Raina Greenberg, the co-host of the Girls' Got to Eat podcast, which is so funny. It is so candid. I know it's a weekly staple for a lot of you. They actually interviewed me for Girls Got to Eat, and that episode came out on Monday, so that is an amazing one to start with. But I feel like most of you guys probably listen already. It is just one of the absolute best chatty, sex and romance and dating

podcasts around and Ashley and Raina fully live up to the hype in person. Also, they have a phenomenal line of sex toys called Vibes Only. They sent me their rubber handcuffs, so I will report back, but I am very excited to check them out. This is a really fun episode. We're answering your questions about busting taboos, not only in sex, but in life in general. Also, I'm so curious to hear your takes on a lot of the stuff that we talk about here, so shoot me a DM or leave me a comment. Ashley Raina, welcome to the podcast. Thanks for having us. We're so about to be here.

And you just came on ours yesterday. And it was a pleasure. It was so fun. I know. It's so nice. And also we didn't like have to say goodbye. It was just like we got to see you later, which is really nice. And I have just been thinking since I met you guys that you guys embodied to me.

You know the 13 going on 30. Like I'm 30, flirty and thriving. I feel like you guys are like 40-ish, flirty and thriving. And I'm just like you embody that. You seem like you love your work. You love your friends. You love your relationships. status, whatever that may be. And I'm curious what you, if that rings true and what you attribute

that to, if so. So this is so funny because this article, we saw last week said 40 is the new 30 or whatever. It was like, could it be? Fucking yes. I don't know. I mean, yes, we look better. Millennials are aging better than anyone. Including Genzi. Yeah. And they hate to hear it, but it's true. And I'm sorry. But it's also the mentality we have. and we've just been saying this for years. So it does ring true to us. Have there been any harder parts for you about like turning 40, you just turn 40 or 42, correct? Yeah.

Have there been any... Shots fired. I'm just kidding. I'm a younger 40. Well, I almost think so this episode is going to be about like taboo things to talk about, especially in the realm of sex and relationships. And I think it's almost like taboo to talk about enjoying aging and. and saying fuck it to what your life is supposed to look like at certain ages.

And so I'm just curious your guys take on that. I mean, I think, you know, we work in the entertainment industry. It would be crazy to say I don't have any thoughts or feelings. I mean, for so long the narrative was at women at a certain age. No one wants to book you. No one's to put you on television. I mean to look at you. No one's a little bit.

I don't dare you. I think that that is thankfully becoming a thing of the past. And I think the more you talk about it, the more you can say, I'm this age. But it's 40 is an age and 30, all these milestone ages where you check in with yourself and you say, Am I where I want to be professionally, romantically? Do I own a home? Do I like what I do day to day? Who am I?

Am I proud of that? And it could be a scary age if the answer to all those things is, no, I'm not proud of that. You know? And I don't know, you and I have just worked really hard to have lives we're really proud of. And professional careers were really excited about and friends and relationships, etc. And it's made it easier for me to talk about being this age because other women have done it. Ashley did it before me. I struggled with it a lot.

Part of it was that I really wanted to find a partner. I really didn't want to enter into that decade, that era, single. And I did it at the buzzer. But I didn't relate to 40s. I was like, I'm a girl in my 30s. Like, I was just like, I'm in my 30s. Like, this is where I've been thriving. We built this career.

You're hot. And, you know, it's debatable. But I, like, I felt that way. Yeah. That's a subjective. But I did struggle with it, being a woman in entertainment and just hitting that number. And then I just was like, Like, what am I, I can't do anything about.

I mean, I was, I was intentionally vague about my age all through the podcast. I was for a long time, too. Yeah. And partially because of all the things I just mentioned in my own insecurities, but just because we have a younger audience, like, let them think whatever. I mean, I liked that people thought I was younger. I still do. I get off on it.

I like that people were like, oh, my God, you guys are like, you're 38. You know, I thought you were like 33. And I'm like, I know. So I like that too. I'll admit it. And so then I just, I hit this point. I mean, I did find. partner and that helped, but I had a friend be like, what are you going to, what are you going to do?

You're going to hide it. You're not going to talk about it, this big milestone. I mean, I remember when Beyonce turned 40, you know, like I remember when these women I've looked up to hit that age. And I remember what they wrote on social media. And I wanted to be that and I wanted to own it and be proud of it and quote unquote inspire other people to own it as as well. But I'm not going to deny that I I struggled with it. And now I'm so open and I'll never be vague again. I mean, I am embracing the age. It is a privilege.

I'm struggling with different things, obviously, that we all do, the way your face and body looks and all of that. But there's no, like, hiding it or not being proud and confident. Do you guys get Botox and stuff like that? Yeah. We talk about it a lot. I'm very open about the work I have and haven't had done. And, you know, what I remind myself of is that turning 40 will happen to everybody.

If you're lucky enough. That's the thing. You know, and those people will also need role models and people to take advice from. When I think of who I want to take advice from, it's people who have these lived experiences already that can look back through the lens of time and say like, here's how I would have done things better. Here's what I'm proud of. That's who I want to take advice from. And our audience has grown up with us. We've done this show now for seven and a half years.

And they're our age or older or a little younger. And we have women of all ages listen to us. And I'm proud to be this age and give advice. Because people need it from somebody this age. So you said right now that you're like checking in on your life at this phase and you're like, do I have this, do I have this? You had a pretty big breakup and what's your relationship status now? I'm currently single and the one you're referring to, but I was engaged and he left me the day after our engagement party. And this was almost 10 years ago. So this was quite a long time ago. But it's been an incredible experience to look back on to think about getting blindsided that hard and pulling yourself up by the bootstraps and creating this whole new life.

I mean, I was a completely different person with a different job, different job, different. different interests, different friends, different hobbies. I look back at her and I want to like hug that girl. I feel so sad for her. I want to say like, you're going to do great things. You're going to inspire other women to do great things. You just have to go through this really hard thing for a little bit. What is your relationship to your romantic status with your 40th birthday just having happened now? I feel really lucky. I know a lot of people 40. It's like their worst neighbor to be single. I don't want kids. And so it's a little less time stamped for me that like I have to find somebody so that biologically I can have children. I have a lot of great things in my life. I love a romantic partner. I love the type of

relationship that Ashley has. She's a wonderful partner. I'd love that type of love in my life. In the meantime, while I don't have that, I have to choose to focus on the great things. I have great friends. I have a lot of my life. I have a great house. I live in a great place. My family's happy and healthy. From a pragmatic perspective, because I think a lot of people are like, okay, like mindset-wise, I'm going to try to focus on the great things. But like on a day-to-day basis, they're like, okay, I'm scrolling on the apps, like, this has got to be my priority. Like, on a day-to-day basis, pragmatically, how are you approaching how much you're prioritizing? I want a partner in my life. So we're not on tour right now, and we haven't for the last, like, six, seven months. And so I've actually had the time to do it.

I want to, like, honor the fact that it is a full-time job, like, go on dating apps, go on dates. I've dated a lot this year. I could not do what I've done this year if we were on tour. It's just, it's a lot of drinking. It's a lot of going out. It's a lot of talking to people texting with people. But also, like, we talked on our episode with you about the journey versus the actual goal and arriving somewhere at the destination. And like, I look around a people that are married and in relationships. That's hard to. And finally arriving, quote unquote, at this like marriage and having a husband or a boyfriend, that's work. There's issues that come with that. There's tradeoffs. There's compromise that I don't particularly want to do. And so I choose to be excited to not have

to do those things sometimes. And I don't know, this is my life. So I have to be happy with it. I think it's so smart, though, to recognize like there is hard here and there will be hard there. I think we're so, it's the grass is always greener thing. But like, no, actually, if I get in a relationship, it's going to come with this whole other set of problems. I mean, so Raina's 40th birthday, we talked about it with you. She did this big festival. It was like three days in the Hamptons.

And it was just, I mean, we both get emotional talking about it because so many people showed up to support her. I mean, like dozens of people came out. They spent the weekend. That was like people's vacation and just so much like love, a lot of attention. Raina was out. By the day three, she was like, I can't handle this much more attention. What?

You know, I cannot imagine reaching. that point in my life. It was extreme. But when it's so focused, it's different than being on stage, I swear, when people are going around the table and saying everything they love about you, literally my dream. Three nights in a row. I know, but like it hits a limit. I love it too, but the third night, it's like, it must have to stop. I loved it, but so her Ashley's fiance actually got these, what fat heads? What are they called? Like on a straight on a stick. My face on a stick. And everyone was running around with those and everybody was just like cheering my name and chanting for me. I mean, I planned this. I put a lot of work and energy into this. And I'm glad

everybody was so excited. But it is a lot. To the point about not all relationships are great and aspirational, even though they may appear to be on the outside. You don't know without any names. Like, there were couples that weekend that looked great and they were having fun and partying and really fighting and really having conflict and drama on the inside. I wasn't one of them. But, you know, Rain is out here living free. Everyone's there to see her. Everyone loves her.

She's no stress in her life. She's celebrating. She's so hot. And every sign with her face on it. I don't know. That dichotomy was kind of funny. That weekend, like people. soon.

Loki broke up after it, you know? And that has something to do with what went down during the weekend. It was just one of those things. Big events sometimes make people realize things and there's conflict and fighting and drinking and all the things. But it was just interesting to look back and be like, man, you were living your best life, partner free. And all these people are there to love and support you and your life that couldn't

be better. Yeah. It's good to remind yourself that social media for some people is real. And that's great. And they want to share their love. And I don't think that everything you see is fake. But like you have literally no idea what it's going. on behind the scenes. And the amount of people we know that, like, post fun photos, videos,

reels with their partners. And we know that they have had a terrible day together. They have just had a fight. I think it's like an inverse correlation. Like I think the more you're posting that. It's like you're telling yourself. You're almost like reassuring yourself. I just love this so much because something I love to remind people about on this podcast is that there are so many paths to a happy life. And we have so much agency and like making the life that we actually have happy instead of longing for a different life, and I just feel like you're like a lived example of that. Well, thank you. And I would be, listen, it would be crazy to say, I don't want it. I don't care. Of course, I want more sex. I love, I love attention. I love somebody thinking

I lost sex is here. Huh? I've had a lot of sex. Freakier. Freakier. Probably. You've done like many, many, many people in relationships. You got team like this year. I mean, actually. Wait for the first time. I've never had somebody walk over my face and how was her goal before 40? Did you enjoy it? No. He had his balls like in my eye sockets.

And you weren't like, this is really doing it for me. I was like, I cannot believe. Like, is this how grownups get pink eye? You're like 40 really is the new 30. Did you ask for this or did he just walk over and put his balls in your eyes? Honestly, it's so crazy because he's sober and I was three to four drinks in and he thought of this all on his own. But, like, did he genuinely think it was going to be, like, hot?

I don't know. He said, hang your head off the bed, and then he just walked over my face. Was the teabagging coincidental from the angle? Oh, yeah. He just, because he, the angle. An accidental thing. It just came out. It comes out to be there, though.

Yeah, it has to be on your forehead. And then you're kind of wiggling around to, like, get them in your eye sockets. Oh, wait, tea bagging is, just to be clear. It's supposed to be in your mouth. No, it can be anywhere in your face, honestly. Oh, I have no. Now that I'm thinking about it. I thought it's, like, dipping it, like a tea bag.

It could be. Okay. Or you dip them like a tea bag into your eyes socket. Any orifice. Yeah, good to know. Any willing space to take a ball sack. Anything can be tea bagging if you try hard enough.

You could do your belly button. If you believe in yourself. I know. But yes, I would like to have more consistent sex with the same person. I love taking day trips and traveling. And I went to like Soho Alice in London recently for the night. And I thought, what an amazing experience. This is so incredible.

But I was like by myself. And I just thought like, how sad to not share this with somebody? and I would have loved to. And I was visiting my brother, and I went down to visit them right after that night. But I would love day-to-day companionship from a romantic partner. But I think both can exist.

You can really enjoy the life you're living and you can want things to shift and change. And I think being able to hold both those things is like almost the secret to enjoying life. And I do think you inspire people. I mean, I think, you know, Ray and I've been single for most of the history of the podcast. I mean, I'm in a relationship now,

but it's just like, it feels nice. It feels nice that you know people are watching you thrive on your own and aspire to it or feel better about their own station in life. Okay. I'm going to get into some listener questions. The number one question that I get from listeners all of the time is I know I should be having more sex, but I cannot fit it in and I'm not excited about doing it. So I want your just general advice for can't fit sex into our lives. Do you think they're in a relationship? Yeah, I think this is for people in long-term relationships, and they're just like, I want to be having more sex. Everybody's telling me I should be having more

sex, but they're lying. It's just not a priority. Or like, are other people really having this much sex? How are they fitting it in? I think that every couple is unique and, you know, does your partner want to be having more sex? Is this a complaint between the two of you? She's saying, I don't want to. I can't fit it in. I don't know how sexual her partner is. Like, there's a million ways to achieve intimacy besides just penetrative sex. Are you cuddling? Are you holding hands? Are you kissing? Are you watching a movie on the couch at night? Are you having deep conversations and sharing things? There's other ways to achieve intimacy. And, you know, Ashley and I've interviewed so many people that talk about sex and dating. And, you know, when life comes in and you have to raise children and

clean a house and go to work, I mean, I don't know. It's not that sexy at the end of the day. They're like, fuck. Yeah. I mean, I struggled a little bit with the sex piece of my relationship because we were long distance for a year and a half, which is just, you know, you don't see each other as much, so much sex, so much hotel sex. It's just on site. You know, you walk into the hotel. I mean, it was just a different life than living together that we do now. And we have a great sex life. I'm very happy with it. But I had to kind of work out.

Like, it's not as much. I don't know if I guess I ran the numbers it is. But like in terms of like the three times a day that it was when we're in the standard in New York, you know, but that's a vacation vibe. Or, you know, whatever. A lot of times we're on tour, but that's irrelevant. But I, I Googled myself what the average amount. What is it? I mean, pretty much across the board most.

studies show that couples in healthy relationships, there's nothing crazy going on. They didn't just have a baby or whatever it may be or having sex once a week. And so I don't, that felt comforting to me. Did it feel low or high to you when you heard it? I guess that's what I expected. Okay. I mean, every couple is so different. And there's couples that have been together two years, 10 years, 20 years. I mean, there's so many different factors this. But I really am dying to know what the truth is inside of everyone's relationship. Me too. because I don't think anyone's having sex every day. I don't think that many long-term couples are having sex at all.

Three to five times a week. I know so many long-term couples where they're having sex like once every few months. We do too. We hear that all the time. But to your point, you said yesterday that regular sex is important in your relationship, which you've been in a relationship for a really long time. And I feel the same way. And, you know, we are still new in the grand scheme of things.

I mean, two and a half years or we're getting married. in three months. But I never want it to be too long because you do feel connected to your partner and then I do worry it's one of those things. Like, it's one week, then it's two, that it's three, then it's six months. Well, and when I'm having sex, I crave sex.

Like, when I'm not having sex and it kind of like falls off of my mind for a little bit, I just don't crave it anymore. But when I'm having it regularly, I definitely crave it more. And I think you have to think about what turns you on. Like, do some of the internal work too, we've talked about this so many times on our show,

like, is the room messy? You know, like, what are the things that are turning you off and can you fix them and can you get in a headspace during the day? I mean, early days with my fiancee, I was so much, quote unquote, hornier. We were just new. It's like a drug. And so I have to think of like, what can I do to be hornier to want to rip his clothes off when he walks in like I did those first six months. So I think doing some of that, talking to your partner, obviously communication is key. We just speak about this for hours.

but it's important to think of, are there literal things in the home that are taking me out of that sexual headspace and that I can shift? Wait, so for you, what can you do to be hornier? The thing that I guess is my biggest issue is just being too stressed and too much on my mind. I think that's true for so many people. Like, I think stress is the libido killer of the modern era. Yeah. And we have a dog. Like, I really need the bed to be, like, clean and dog hair free.

I don't know. there's like weird things like that. Like cleanliness is important. That's why the hotel sex is so important. It's just a fresh sheets and do they come in and they do the room every day. And so little things like that and just getting myself turned on. Oh, looking at him. I think he's gorgeous.

You know, I love his face. I love his body. I love his eyes, his lips, his mouth, all the things and reminding myself of that. And I don't have to try that hard. But just, I guess, getting outside of the stress headspace and getting it. into the, oh, he's so sexy. I love him. I want to fuck him headspace.

If you look at a lot of the research done by the Kansy Institute, people that write about this, study this, there are so many triggers for women that make you not turn on. And when you look at what like men versus women need to get aroused and turned on, there's so many breaks for women in terms of like stress, anxiety, just all the logistical things you have to deal with day to day, the bills, your work, a meeting that really take you out of it. Talk to your partner about anything besides logistics and work,

an article that you guys saw today, a movie that you want to see together, do things besides the monotony. Try to schedule a date night. You don't necessarily have to schedule sex, but like, schedule a reason to look good and leave the home. Or like little things in the home. I like to sleep naked. Then you wake up naked. You're next to the person. It's easy. You're already together. That really turns me on to just like wake up next to a person. It makes me want to have sex. Like Ashley said, clean home. Do things that I think are just like a little romantic. I like to just watch like a movie on the couch, cuddle up together, touch each other, gave each other a massage, just be like physically close.

I think people struggle with like, well, they never initiate sex or I don't want initiate sex, but like you don't have to just walk up to a person and be like, let's fuck. Yeah. You know, there's so many things that are sexy. Like go to a restaurant, get dressed up, look beautiful. Yeah. Feel beautiful. Yeah.

That like really turns me on. Well, and I think also watching out for those times where you put a stop on intimacy that isn't sex, like Vanessa Marin, who I know you guys have had on your show, talks about the bristle reaction. So it's when your partner is touching you and you're, like don't want to have sex. So then you're preventing your partner from wanting to touch you when they're just trying to like build intimacy through touch throughout the day. And so like almost noticing that and yourself and figuring out like are you allowing

these spaces for intimacy or are you so afraid? Like no, I don't have time. Don't have energy for sex right now. So I'm putting the cabosh on anything that's even in that realm. Yeah. Also life is really long. And I think that when you don't have sex for a while with your partner, I think you can say like, is this forever?

Is this the beginning of the end? I've had friends of mine that have been with partners for 15 years, a friend of mine said the other day. Like, when we get into these threats, I say to myself, like, is this beginning of the end? And it never is. Like, life is long and you go in waves. And if you're not horny for each other right now, like, Ashley, for example, she's on a comedy tour. We have the podcast. We have a sexual wellness business.

I can't imagine at the end of the day that you feel the sexiest you've ever felt in your life. You're out on your plate. There's days where I'm like, what is going on? Like, I, most days I am, like, want to fuck him and horny for him. There's days when I'm like, I can't get in that headspace. I'm like, oh, right, I'm just not. I'm so stressed. I have to leave tomorrow for 10 days.

I've been packed yet. You know, like I can't turn my brain off. I think it's important to remember to look at your age, your hormones, all those things. Like, this doesn't necessarily sound like a loss of libido, but I just want to throw that in because, you know, I'm getting into that age where I'm like terrified of perimenopause. Oh, my God. I'm so scared of it. I just posted about this where I was like, I love that we're bringing the. conversation to the fore. I think it's so good for people not to feel alone in this. And I went from

being excited about aging to being so, so scared now because we're talking about this stuff. We've fallen off a cliff. Like, I'm just like, oh, I thought I had to like my 50s. Now they're like 40s. Watch out. And I'm like, oh my God. But like, I mean, I got off the pill. My life changed. That was so much hornier and so much happier and all the things. I'm a big proponent of birth control. Don't get a twist. I have an IUD now. Whatever. It's a, we're lucky to have it. But we're not anti-birth control. We can't stress enough. But I, that changed things. Like, there's other factors. I think my biggest unlock was realizing that sex is not a problem in a silo that is going to be solved by sex stuff in a silo. Like you don't need to just go out and get like a candle

that melts and you can do massages with it or toys or stuff like that. It is about stress and mental load and the state of your house and the state of the world and things like that. And sometimes doing doing a workout or doing some sort of stress relieving activity is going to do more for your libido than like a sexy quote thing. Yeah. And is your partner do anything to turn you off? Like we talked about this with Shan Boudram and her partner, Jared, recently on our podcast and like the chore play and the things that he might do around the house, like doing the dishes that might turn you on and in the inverse things. Wait, a tour play? Yeah, we loved it. It's like what it sounds like.

It's like what it sounds like. It turns her on and he does the chores. Turns you on when they get stuff done. Oh, I love that. But the opposite is, are they doing little things that are turning you off? Like what? Like not doing the dishes. Like, skin marks underwear on the floor?

Yeah, like you get home and they haven't, like, refilled whatever it is. They've taken the trash out, the toilet paper's out. Wait, so how do we make our partners understand that these things are connected with sex? Tell them, I will fuck you more if you do chores. Would you straightforward? They just say that? I would say it more nuanced dishwasher and you can penetrate me. I'm not opposed to it.

I mean, if your partner really has, like, a gripe that your sex life could be better, I think that it is very valid to say, like, here are some things that would drop my stress levels and make me feel better when I walk in the door. Like, I think a lot of people sort of brace when they walk in the door because they're like, I was at work all day and so was he. But I also have to carry 70% of the household load. And if you just did some of those things, if I got home and there wasn't a dish in the sink, I would just be like able to be.

And positive affirmations when they do the thing. That's, I think, where to start is the making sure with anything, anything your partner, a male, female, whoever does is complementing showing that you appreciate it. it, you're turned on by it. I think that's the best place to start. I just had, I either in a podcast guest or I read something, I have no idea the source for this, but it was that like men respond so much better to positive affirmations, particularly. I think we all do, but it was something about the way that men's brains, a hundred percent, interpret information. Like, if you're telling them no or shaming them into something, like they will not do it. But if you're like looking out for the teeny

sliver of something good that they did and then like praising them. Yeah, like hyping that up. It will work. 100%. It was like a hack. It's a relationship hack. People like praise. Yeah. And I think that this person was like, you can even praise if they're not actually doing. Like I really like and they like they won't be like, oh, I didn't unload the dishwasher. You'd be like, oh my gosh, I love when you like clean up the kitchen. It's like so hot. And they won't be like, well, actually I didn't clean up the kitchen. Right. You just like praise the thing. Yeah. I love when you like actually stay in the same spot when you're going down on me and like don't move.

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And I would suggest trying to masturbate and just be a little bit more like in touch with your own body and your own pleasure because like if you're like I'm thinking about this stuff I'm already feeling really sexual. I mean so much about women wind up sex is like just confidence in your own body and you don't feel sexy. When I am just feeling like I look bad, I'm not running to fuck, you know, but I can like get in my groove a little bit more if I like masturbate, touch myself like then you're already in like a sexual headspace. How often do you guys masturbate? I go in waves. It's definitely less because I'd like live with someone now. I do you think it's, I feel like. I feel like. I feel like guys like jack off in the shower and like I feel like it's harder like to find the time to do it.

Yeah, it's like it's not at night anymore. Yeah. Where it's like my whole schedule has changed. I'll need the bedroom from 9 to 930 by myself. But it's mid, it's midday now. Yeah. I'm going to test out products. We have a sex to a company. I guess it's so funny because I mean, there's been weeks that's every night during the week and then there's weeks that's none. It's really it, it ebbs and flows. It has it goes and waves for me too. I mean three and a half on average. Yeah. I was. away for like three weeks and I was constantly with people like in hotel rooms, staying with my brother, things like that, not in a hotel at his house. But I got back from this long trip and I was like so horny because I masturbated and so long. So it is usually

late at night for me. I like to like smoke a joint. I also feel like it helps with my sleep so much. Like knocks me out. It's the best sleep tool. I feel like that people are not utilizing. It's, I mean, it's incredible for stress reduction. It releases oxytocin and serotonin and dopamine. mean, it's great for any type, it's great for sleep. It's just good for your body in general. Yeah. It releases everything good in your body. Yeah, it does. What would be your ideal amount of sex to be having if you're in a relationship? I know he said one's the average, but I'm curious what would be your ideal? I mean, I think I'm fine with two to three times a week. Like, that's a lot in a long-term relationship. Yeah, and times a week. We hit that a lot of weeks.

It's just, we cuddle up a lot. We're very intimate. We're really close. Like, I'm like, are we going to be doing this in 10 years? Are we going to be wrapped up on the couch? How long have we been together? About two and a half years, May of 23. Well, I guess two years in a few months and some change. But yeah, like we'd love to have sex. We're more of a weekend. Sex couple. He works, you know, he goes to the office and he comes home. We start. Oh, so that's why you have your midday masturbation. Yeah. When he's out. Then we're cooking dinner and then it's, I don't know. Like, we're definitely like Sunday afternoon, always, usually Saturday always. And then maybe one time.

that's interesting. During the week. Because I think that's something else people wonder, and I wonder this too. Like when specifically are people fitting this end? Like is it after work when you're tired? Is it before bed? Is it the weekends? Like when specifically are people making time for this?

But I'm like, are we a weekend sex couple because we were long distance for so long. Like we always had to be a weekend sex couple outside of taking like vacations. But I've been thinking about this a lot too. Like why are they doing this? Like just the day. It's a long day. It's a long day. No, I think the more you wait to the end of the end.

the day, I think the less likely it is to have it. Yeah, I'm a morning sex girl and I said I'd like to sleep naked. So like I just, I'm ready to go. We're cuddled up. You're already hard. Like, let's get it going. Do you care about teeth brushing beforehand or no? No, I just, I think that when you, like, are with somebody long time, you're going to smell their morning breath. Like, it's fine. I like doggy in the morning or somebody behind me. I'm not going to necessarily make out with you. But like, who cares? Like, I don't know. Intimacy, it smells bad sometimes. You know? And I think that's okay. And usually get comfortable with that. But it's early. It's a great. It's a great. way to start my morning. I just, I think that's the perfect time to do it. Wait, I feel like I had a

question about this where somebody, somebody wrote in and was like, I don't like like, like, the smells and sounds of sex. The sounds is funny. What sounds are we talking about? Like when you're like the, blubblab, like, you know, like there's like the, there's sounds. Yeah. Yeah. Wob. So like, what's, what's the question? What do I do? I find them gross. More shower sex maybe. I do. I do. I do think like that'll drown out the sound and the smells, I guess. Yeah, that's nice. And post-shower? Post-shower.

Yeah, post-shower. What position are you guys doing in the shower? I feel like, I'm short. So, but you're short. I don't really have any interest in shower sex. I really don't. I've done it very, very, very little. And I've lived with three men in my life.

Like, men that were readily accessible in the shower. Should I want them? I'm short. It's hard to like. I have a hard time. I have a hard time getting off standing up. It's just, my shirt is. huge. I wouldn't want to do it. It's not for me. We do a lot of shower fingering.

Okay. And then we'll do... I'm like smart. That's... Yeah. And then he... But he's behind. But there's one time we were in this hotel, we were in Boston. And like I was, I found like this hack. There was like a shower, like a handle. It was probably, they always put me in a handicap room. Like, what's happening here? No. So like, she's 40. So there was a handle to hold on to. I was like, this is perfect because I have a fear of slipping. Just in general in life. It's not debilitating, but I think more than the average person, I think I'm going to slip a lot. So I would like to hold on to something and we really got after it.

He came, which is not, you know, in the shower. It's not the best environment. Yeah. And the way my back hurt for days because I had been arching it, bent over. I was like, you literally blew my back out. And I don't know how much more often we're going to do that. In the moment, I was like, I'm in the perfect position. I have something to hold on to.

I'm bent over, back arched. And to be, to have your back arched and someone's pounding you from behind, you can't be doing that at 42. No, it's a movie thing. It's like movies and TV. have sold us that this is like a thing, but it's more like foreplay to me in the shower. Oh, okay. Wait. So what other lies do you think movies and TV is selling us that like, countertop sex. Okay. Ooh. I, I, a dick will never reach me on the countertop. I will have, like, I think in movies, like, they unzip, one thrust or just inside. And like, and then on a counter

we're able to move on a countertop and fuck. We can fuck on the counter. It's a little objectify. Is that the word? Objectifying. It feels a little. Yeah. Like I'm getting fucked. Yeah. It doesn't feel like making love when I'm bed over the counter. I think the thing that bothers me the most in movies and TV is the immediate penetration. I mean, and I get it.

Maybe it's a movie, but it's a TV show. We only have a certain amount of time. But I loved sinners. I loved the movie. That was the first movie in the theater I ever saw with my fiance. And there's a scene where he just, he kisses her once and then he's in. And I'm like, it doesn't work like this. And we've been seen this our whole lives.

Yeah. And it's no wonder that like, it's no wonder that like, Men think that that is what you should be doing. Yeah. And sometimes I think I have a lot of girlfriends who it takes them, you know, a normal amount of time to get turned on, but it's like 15, 20 minutes. And they're like, it takes me forever. I'm so embarrassed about this.

I'm worried the guy's going to be like bored, whatever, because we're all taught that it should take like two or three minutes. Oh my God. The majority of women, and we should have a percentage locked and loaded, but it's really hard to orgasm from penetrative sex without any external stimulation without a vibrator or your fingers or something else. And from doggy, it's not necessarily going to hit any of the nerve endings of your clitoris, which is how you orgasm.

I mean, it's really hard in any other position except for on top for a lot of women. It takes a long time. Also, like, let's talk about, like, do you feel comfortable with this person? Do you feel like your body looks good? Are you in your head about stuff? Do chores to do it? It is so hard for women to reach orgasm with a partner. So, like, in all of these movies and women are having these screaming orgasms in

missionary position. In 10 seconds, fly. I'm like, what is she on? There's a scene in Tell Me Lies, and Raina thought it was hot, but it loved it. She was in the two main characters. She was in the bedroom and they were texting or whatever, and he walked in. And I mean, he ripped her underwear off and just like penetrated her immediately. I felt it in my vagina.

I was like, I feel that I'm, I hurt hurts. But to your point about foreplay, I mean, the longer we make out and touch each other and do all those things, the more lubricated I am, the better the sex is. And so I'm really open with my partner of like, not yet. What do you say? Exactly. I don't say those exact words. I think I give him a cue, like a physical cue. Like, and I've told him outside of sex too, that like I really like more foreplay longer.

He notices when I'm wetter and, you know, and more turned on. And so I don't ever think, oh, he's getting bored. But I am like, he's ready, but I'm not. And so let's keep doing this. Like, I'll just, I'll say, let's keep doing this. Yeah. And I think for a lot of women, like being able to orgasm with a partner, it's a learned skill, you know? I'm really lucky. I can reach an orgasm from penetrative sex. But it took me a long time to learn my body and feel comfortable in my body and talk about what I wanted and like get in the positions I need to be in. And I don't even remember like in my 20s, I don't know. I don't even know that I thought the goal of sex was for me to have an orgasm. I was just like, this is fun and I can enjoy this. If somebody listening wanted to feel like orgasms were more accessible to them, could you give them like one piece of pragmatism? advice that they probably haven't already heard over and over.

Have they ever had one? Have they had one with a sex toy? Have they had one during sex? Like, how do they want an orgasm, able to have penetrative, or it's just clitoral? I mean, I guess if you're starting from ground zero, I would recommend toys, your hands, finding your clitoral orgasm to start.

And then with a partner, finding how you're able to get in a position to also stimulate that area, too. but outside of that, I think the foreplay part is so important, longer, more. I think the toys are great in the bedroom. I have lots of girlfriends that cannot reach orgasm without having a toy in the bedroom,

like during penetrative sex because you need some type of stimulation on your clitoris nuts. That's highly normal for most people. And bringing that into the bedroom, it's a fun thing. It's putting on a show. It's like an additional thing

that they can watch you do. I know that that's not so natural for everybody and you work your way up to it. Well, and what about guys who are like, you don't need that, like, baby, aren't I enough for you? We don't like it. I mean, but again, it happens. And if you're in a relationship with somebody

that everything else is great and you feel like they respect you and you communicate well and you have a good thing going, we have language and tools to have them not feel intimidated. And a lot of it is just like, this is going to be like hot for both of us. Let's try it. We're on this adventure together. This is not this. I don't know.

This isn't the 50s. I don't know. Sex toys are a thing. I don't know. Right. They're not. Women's orgasals are a thing. Yeah.

Yeah. Okay. Speaking of Foreplay, we got a listener right in. My partner's not great at Foreplay. We've been together for over 10 years and I've communicated that I need more time to get going, but the tactics are not there. I'm not sure how to tell him without hurting his feelings. I would start with anything he's, the tiniest thing he's doing right.

I would hope after 10 years, it's not nothing. Like, is it? I think it's starting with the positive reinforcement of I like when you touch my nipples or like when you touch here, I'd like more of that. I'd like it longer. Unless you started the conversation with I hate everything you're doing and I'm not coming and it's been 10 years of faking it, I don't think they will get offended. If you approach it with love and like I am so turned on by you, I love you and it takes me longer to get turned on. I want to reach orgasm with you and have a really great sexual

experience in here. I need a little bit more of this. And then physically in the moment, moving their hands around. I won't grab my fiance's hand, you know, gently. I'm not like here. But even I'll put it on my tits sometimes. Like I'll, there's stuff that feels sexy in the moment. I think he's so appreciative. Like maybe he's been focused too long down here. I want a little up here. Like I'll do it in the moment physically. Yeah. Feedback, I think, you know, timing is really important. So I wouldn't bring up anything negative right after you have sex with somebody. The positive stuff she's talking about, right after you finish having sex, if you could just say, like, you did this thing, I really, really loved that. Not like, please do more of it. Just let it lay,

you know? We always say, you know, mention something you heard on a podcast, make it up. I read this thing, I saw this thing, I heard this thing. It sounds really interesting. I don't know if you want to watch porn together. You would say, I watched this porn. It looked really cool. Can we try that? Or it would really turned me on if we tried this thing. Not you're not doing this thing. Like, I just really like a lot of stimulation in this area. I think, I think I might want to be like really, I'd be turned on by that. It's easy in the beginning of relationships. And obviously, when you're together for a long time, even two years, you have a sex script. And it's hard to break out of that because it's like, well, this is what we do. And I'm nervous to say something because I'm going to insult them.

So if you, if you frame it outside of your relationship of like, I would really like this, I think it's less attacking. Would you say? I've been faking orgasms for years. Oh my God. I mean, if that is... I wouldn't frame it like that. I think maybe I would say I would have an easier time reaching orgasm if X, Y, Z.

But not like, and you've never made me come back. What's the point of that? What's the point? I don't know that you come back from that. Again, it's always like there's so much nuance of her personality type, his personality type, what else is going on in the relationship. I don't really know the goal there. It feels hurtful and what would be the point?

If you feel like there's a point, you're sure you're welcome to do it, but I don't really know how that would serve you. Let's just try to get to the real orgasms now. Yeah. To me, it would be like a real watershed moment in my relationship. If my partner said to me, I haven't been having orgasms for years and I would just be like, am I so hard to talk to? Yeah. Am I so unreasonable? Are you totally unable to ask for the things that you want?

I'd just be like, what else are you lying to me about? And it's like a huge lie. Yes. And I feel for any woman who's going through that and I don't want to diminish it or say she's a liar. But I get that it's tough. But what is that brutal honesty going to accomplish within the relationship? Yeah. I also think this could be a moment for the like, I love when you do this even if they're not doing it.

You know? Yes. Like that's so, like he's not going to be like, wait, I don't do that. He's not going to know. Like if she's like, I love when you lick my nipples, he's like, I've never, he's not going to be like, I've never. I've ever done that. He's just going to lick your nipples. Yeah, he's going to like your nipples. I like this one a lot. This might sound crazy. I've recently gotten into a fantasy series at Qatar with wild romance that makes me feel more alive than what I have with my husband.

I'm constantly thinking about this fictional character and comparing to my own partner. How do I feel content and happy with my own sex life? Raina, take it away. This book has changed people's lives for better or worse. I mean, you're talking about a fictional 19-year-old character having sex with a 300-year-old. old bat-winged man. I've not read the books. Is that the context we need to know for this question? Yes, it is. Okay. Great. Thank you. It is really hot and sexy and the later books focus on her sister, which are also very hot and sexy. But it's fiction for a reason. It's a fantasy novel. It's not real. So never compare your life to something that it's not supposed to be even remotely real.

But we're doing it. Clearly people are doing it. How do they stop? Listen, that's why, 50 Shades of Gray was such a sensation. I think everybody in their fantasies wants these like hot heavy kind of things. How do you reconcile it? I think you pull from it. I think about what's realistic. And like you just said, bring up the podcast, bring up the porn,

bring up, I saw this in a movie, make it up, I had a dream about this, whatever you need to do to get there. But I don't haven't read the book, so I can't speak to it. But if I am thinking of 50 Shades, which I have read, just the first one, who, that writing is tough, if you have not done any sort of dominant, submissive BDSM stuff and you're like,

I want this. Like start small, approach it with your partner. If you're in a good relationship with someone that wants to please you and make you happy and you say this thing would really turn me on, I've been thinking about it.

I would really like to try this. We sell this handcuffs for vibes only. They're like silicone. They're stretchy. There's no locking key. And they're really easy. They're really easy to use. They're like the lowest level

of that dominant submission that I can imagine. I use them all the time. They're so easy to grab off the nightstand. And it's going to feel like that's the entree into that. So you can speak to the fairy porn, but like, can you use it? Is there anything in there that you could low-level try with your partner, or is it so fantasy outside the realm?

I mean, the thing that's so such a turn on in these books is also the will-they-won-day aspect of it. I mean, the fourth book is based on the original protagonist's sister, and it's three books of will-they-won-they before she finally fucks this guy. Wait, I thought the whole thing was that there's sex scenes all over the books. There are sex scenes all over the books, but there's hundreds of pages of will, they won't they. And it's like this passionate desire of like, I mean, you can't manufacture that in an existing relationship. I think you can a little bit. Like, I do think you could try it? So then I'm thinking, and you can correct me if I'm wrong because I haven't read the books, but like, could we do some sort of like anticipatory stuff?

Could we do like, we're not allowed to have sex for a week, but we have to tease each other all week or like meet up sexy strangers at the bar type of thing. Would that give the same? Yeah. I think it's just it's the thrill of the newness. is what you're kind of chasing. It's this passion that ignites between two people that they're a beginning of a relationship. So how do we make this a little bit new?

How do we tease? Like, can we sexed? Can we send nudes? Even if you're not comfortable with nudes, a suggestive outfit? Are you guys comfy with nudes? Like, what's the vibe on nudes in like the digital age where people are kind of like afraid of their content getting, you know, hacked?

I actually don't think I've ever sent a like full puss pick to anybody. But that's just me. And if my tits are out, I don't care. I don't care. You're like the internet can see my tits. Yeah, it's like I don't think I'd love it, but it'd be whatever. It's fine. But yeah, I just, I only send sexy picks to, I want to say to people I trust.

But now I'm running the tape and I'm like, eh. But I think Brady can speak more to this. I mean, Ashley and I are outside of the realm of normalcy, right? We own a sex toy company. We talk about sex for a living. I'm not going to run for president, probably, but even if I did. Wouldn't matter at this point. Yeah.

I mean, the worst case scenario is that this goes on the internet or somebody sends it to your parents or your boss. I don't care. Yeah. But yeah, I think we should all be cautious about who we're sending stuff to and what. I leave my face out of a lot of photos. I don't send really super, super graphic stuff. It's usually just boobs.

It's or like implied masturbation, something like that. But like, I've never sent a video of myself to. I mean, I guess you could record me on FaceTime. Like the video, I don't do that either. Like the thought of it, I mean, Even to getting out there, I mean, I just am like, be so cautious to the young women listening. But I think these days, like, you could make an AI fake video. You could have that, too.

Which is, like, so scary to me. I know. I just am, like, I think about girls and teenagers doing this. And I, like, feel, I don't know. I just, I hope for the best for them. Because I think these things get circulated around. And so I just think, like, proceed with caution. Maybe the AI thing will be helpful because you can just say it's AI.

They say it's AI. Yeah. That's the answer. Just, oh, that was AI. I'm glad that this wasn't around when I was in high school. I mean, I know the people, kids can be mean. They circulate this kind of stuff. Yeah.

You should be really, really cautious who you send this kind of stuff to. I mean, I don't really send these kind of photos to somebody unless I'm in some type of relationship with them. And also, I have shit on them, too. Oh, smart. That's very collateral. I think that's really smart. Exactly. Yeah.

Get it reciprocated. And also, I don't know. If someone's pressing you too much, a little bit of red flag. Yeah. I agree with that completely. Okay, so final takeaway for the Akatar person is like, how can we bring this in? How can we take elements of what's turning us on and we can bring that in? Okay.

My boyfriend watches porn every day and it's really impacting our sex life. I feel like he comes slower. He has a harder time getting it up. And he hasn't said this, but there have been little things that make me think he's judging my body or the type of sex that we have because neither are the same as porn. We've talked about it and he says, all guys watch porn and it's normal. Am I being insecure or is this a real issue? It's a pervasive issue among all. men, I mean, this is not imagined.

It's, I mean, any man 30 and younger has grown up with porn in their hand 24 hours a day. I mean, Ashley and I when we were growing up, you needed the wait for it to load, you'd like sign up on your parents' accounts and things like that. But I mean, so many men have been desensitized to, you know,

what is a crazy sexual experience? What should women's bodies look like? Should women just have screaming orgasms every five seconds? Yeah. I think that masturbation and watching porn in the right context is very healthy. And, you know, you're walking out of your own boundaries. But I think it's good to, I think self-pleasure is good.

And if you want to watch porn in a healthy banner, you don't overdo it. Fine. That's great. I understand being a little threatened by it, though, because it is a real issue. I want to validate that. I don't know how normal it is that you watch porn every single day. Every day and you're in a relationship. I mean, again, we're older millennials.

I'm thinking of some of the men in our lives that are close to us. I know they're not watching porn every day. I don't even know if they're watching porn every week. And so I don't, it's not, I don't know that I'm like buying the, argument. I mean, I don't know if they're in their 20s. Again, it's a totally different generation. But needing to watch porn every day and masturbate feels like we're in addiction territory. But I think a lot of people are like that's, I used to be far more okay with porn and kind of like whatever you got to do. And I feel like recently because it does feel addictive in the same way where

like you can't just scroll a little bit, like it feels like it is designed to be addictive. People are scrolling, getting these like quick hits. And it's changing their perception of sex. entirely, I feel like I'm veering away from video porn. I mean, like, you want porn to do, like, audio or something where you can't see this, like, false image of what sex should be. You still have to make it up in your head. I'm, like, I'm, I'm veering away from my okayness with porn. So I think that, and we talk about this a lot with masturbation, you should vary the

types of things you're masturbating, too. So, like, porn is probably part of my life once every other week. And I like to... On the big screen. I do, I put it on my big screen and watch my phone, whatever. Full movie theater experience. I mirror it for my phone. But I like to vary the type of stimuli for myself and either like with my hand, with a toy, things like that.

And it's the idea that like so you just don't get too used to any single way. I don't get too used to one thing. I think it is a real problem with young men today that like they're so desensitized and they're also warped about like what women's bodies should look like and things like that. I'm hearing from my friends dating that like the prevalence of ED is just like wild. So we talked about this with Rina Malik. She's a doctor. She's a urologist. Just great content on YouTube. I told her I was noticing the younger ages of guys I was sleeping with all ED. All of them had ED issues. Yeah. And the anxiety plays into it too. I mean, like, well, I think one ED begets like an issue begets another way.

You know what I mean? You get up in your head about it for sure. This is a problem in the relationship. I want to validate that it is. I mean, I need to know everything else that's going on in the relationship if it's worth salvaging. And this might not be someone she wants to be with. I mean, I personally probably would never end up with a guy that's watches porn and masturbates every single day. And then these other issues come with it and impact your sex life. And again, I'm not saying that it's abnormal

or he has a problem. I don't know. But it probably wouldn't be for me. And so I just want to validate that she's not crazy. And are there other issues in the relationship? Or is this like a really strong, healthy relationship outside of this one issue?

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That is timeline.com slash Liz. What did the urologist say about like the ED prevalence in men? She really just validated this is becoming a real problem with men because it's, I don't know that like men my age were raised with like, please a woman. She should always have an orgasm. Everybody has social media on their phones every second with a megaphone to tell everybody how bad you were at this.

I want to validate like the stress that comes with being. a certain age too, that like everyone has a megaphone into TikTok and everyone else to tell the world how bad you were at this. And now also they've met have realized they're supposed to pleasure us. And they've had porn on their phones 24 hours a day for their entire lives. I think that's tough. So she validated that, you know, contributes to all of it. And then, and I thought it was years ago, but probably the two main buckets were the porn and the anxiety in general. Anxiety in life. Just, I mean, Gen Z is obviously such a more anxious generation of people. if we're talking about guys in there, I mean, late teens, but like 20s, early mid-20s,

and then, of course, that, like, performance, anxiety in general. Do you think it's okay to say to your partner? I don't like it when you watch porn and I don't want you to do it anymore? So the way that I would approach, I wouldn't accuse somebody of having, obviously, some type of addiction. Daily sounds like a problem to me. I can't speak to what I'm an addiction specialist, but I would get curious and ask my partner, do you think this is affecting our sex life? do you think this is affecting your ability to be turned on?

I don't have any. I'll reserve my thoughts about it, but I would love your thoughts about it. And you could start there. If somebody says, no, it has nothing to do with it, then there are other things, I guess you go to plan B. But plan A is asking them how they feel about it. I love my husband very much, but when it comes to sex, I'm no longer attracted to him.

He has gained a lot of weight and it limits things we can do, positions, et cetera, and it also makes it difficult to be physically attracted to him. We've been together for 15 years. It's been an issue for the last five. I really feel for both of them. That's a tough one. I would be curious if it's come up. I'm assuming he's brought his weight up.

I don't know. Is it just this thing we don't talk about? You know, like I'm, again, these questions are like. Sometimes we're blind to it ourselves, though, too. You know what I mean? Yeah. Like I can think about my own health at times and I can have like a million reasons for why it is a certain way.

You know what I mean? Yeah. I think that there's the self-awareness and then the external expression of that. And sometimes the self-awareness doesn't exist too. And I can only, you know, speak on it more as a woman. But it could be his body. It could be genetic. It could be depression.

I mean, it could be just he stopped giving a fuck. And I don't know what's going on with him and in their house. I mean, what I would do, I would say, let's keep the sex and I'm not turned on by you is like the last resort. And approach it from a health and I care about you and are you happy? Like, if I gained a ton of weight, I wouldn't expect my partner not to say something. I mean, it's obvious. I was going to ask that. Like, do you ever think it's okay to comment on your partner's body?

Yeah. I don't think it's off limits. If you feel like it's excessive and extreme and what is going on, we can't, this isn't a secret. So, I mean, I think there's a way to really lead with compassion and love. And, like, before you even bring it up is to get into the headspace of I love this person. He's been an amazing partner to me. I want him to be healthy and I want him to feel good. If they have a discussion about it and she's like, I just want to know what's going on. I want you to live long and be healthy and have a great life. And like, are you feeling okay with

this? And he's like, I feel great. I love this body and I feel good. I don't know where we go from there. Yeah. What about somebody who's just like, I feel good in my body. It's like, but you're not attracted to that body. I also think this comes up with aging too. Like I think that I've gotten a lot of questions in the past about how I'm not attracted to my partner's like aging body. What do I do about that? Yeah, I mean, this also could just be stuff to work out in therapy, you know, that it's not just a one-size-fits-all answer. I think a couple has been together 15 years can talk about a extreme change in the way one

of them looks. Well, I think that you could approach it as like you said a mental and physical health thing to begin with because if somebody does experience extreme weight gain, it is out of the norm. It is probably one of those things, a physical problem or a mental problem or a health problem. And I think it's fine to say to somebody I'm concerned that you're not all right. It's not, I want to want to fuck you more, you know. If you're not attracted to somebody, I don't know, are there other ways that you can feel attracted to them, proud of them, excited by the things that they're doing in life?

Like, are there other things you can find attractive, quote unquote, than their physical body have sex with lights off more often. Have you ever been dating somebody and found yourself less attractive to them over time? So I dated somebody when I was, it was like 10 years ago, but he gained quite a bit of weight. He was really tall to begin with. He was like 6'3. So 40 pounds is not a lot on somebody that's that tall, but he gained a significant amount of weight. And I remember him saying stuff like he was going to get rid of some old clothes.

And I was like, how come? And he's like, I get a bunch of weight and I don't ever plan on losing it. And I was like, huh. Okay. Is that healthy? And he was like, I don't really care if it's healthy. I just, this is how I want to live. And I mean, thankfully that wasn't my long time partner. I don't know that I want to necessarily be with somebody that's like, I know, I knew I didn't feel well as well, like physically as well. Well, then it becomes like a values conversation. Like health is a value for me. I want to be with somebody who health is also a value for. Yeah. I mean, people are going to, I don't know, maybe they'll be in the comments like, you should love your partner no matter what. Well, she's sitting here saying she's not attracted to him. So we're answering the question. at hand, but, and that might not be reality. I dated somebody, actually, I want to walk back. I wasn't less attracted to him. He was gaining a little bit of weight. He felt really bad about himself. Yes. And he didn't want to take a shirt off. And, you know, it became an issue in our sex life because of his insecurity. And I tried to be on the journey together, you know,

let's both go to the workout class. Let's eat healthier. You know, that is a tactic. I don't know that it's always guaranteed to work. And I think a lot of times that they know. know what you're doing. But it doesn't hurt. You know, it couldn't hurt to take a hike this weekend or cook healthier at home. I don't know what they have going on. But I wonder if her partner is feeling that type of way. Like, he's insecure about it as well. Have you guys ever had a partner comment on your appearance in a negative way? Never. Actually, I've had the opposite where I've like, I've gained weight and I felt less sexy and I felt like I didn't want to be as sexual. And my partner was like begging me to stop feeling like that. That, you know, I think you're

beautiful. I love having sex with you. This doesn't change how I feel about you at all. And that always reminds me when I'm not feeling great about myself that, that like, your partner doesn't necessarily always see that or think of you that way. And they are excited about so many things about you. And that's not where your value lies always. But yeah, I've had, I've had the opposite. Uh, no. I mean, I had a partner that, like, he, whatever, we fought a lot. He said a few, a couple hurtful things to me intentionally about my looks. It's just, it's, I whatever, it wasn't. But I don't know. I mean, my weight is fluctuated throughout the years, but I've never been, like, overweight. And it's been so many years since I felt, like,

uncomfortable with my body and my weight. So it's, you know, my 20s, early 30s, like, no one ever said anything to me. But, like, I've been in a good place for a while now. Like, if someone said something, I'd be like, excuse me. Like, what, I guess we're not a match. Like, I want you to be attracted to me. I feel great. And maybe we're not. I don't know. It would really hurt. Yeah. It would really hurtful. Really hurt.

Women, our whole lives, especially women our age, have been born and bred to hate ourselves. From the minute you were born, that you are not thin enough, you are not pretty enough, your breasts aren't big enough, you don't have long enough hair. Everything has told us hate ourselves. And to have your partner say anything to, like, pile on to that is so painful. And we should be with somebody that thinks that we are valuable for so many reasons. And I don't care if anybody thinks I'm beautiful besides my partner. Like, I just want my partner to think I'm so amazing and wonderful.

And if I was getting that negativity at home, it would really, it would really hurt my self-esteem. And yes, to Ashley's point, I'd be like, fuck you. But on a deeper level, it would be really painful. Okay, well, I have two follow-up questions there. One, if there's somebody listening and they feel bad in their body, and that's impacting their sex life, what advice would you give them? One thing you can do is look at who you're following on social media and people that make you feel bad about yourself and follow people who are more. body positive or body neutral. And that's like the first step. Like, are there things in your life that are making you think that you look bad and you feel bad about yourself? So like curating your

following in that way. I mean, there's tons of advice out there in terms of some people want to do positive affirmations and self-talk and podcasts and all those types of things. But in therapy, too. I don't know. It's like how deep does it run? What if your partner, though, is like following, you know, Emerada and stuff like that? What if your... cleaned up your feed, but your partners following these women that are like making you feel bad about yourself. It's also making you feel bad about your body too. That's not a person you need to date.

Like is your partner thinks you're beautiful and hot and sexy at whatever size and he makes you feel that way for talking about a heterosexual couple and then also following Emerita, I don't know, get over it. I don't know. I'm kind of like, is there ever a reason that my partner needs to be following Emera? No, there is no reason. I'm just like, what is the reason? Give me a great reason.

You don't need to engage with their content either. I don't need to see you liking their folks. their photos. You can be a fan from a farm. Yeah. Like, I just like, there's, my, my husband could not tell you, like, a single celebrity's name. So if he's, like, on their scrolling Emerita, I'm like, you could not like, you're not like a Us Weekly fan. You're just, like, following Emirada for her body. Big booty hose. But I don't know, like, I don't know. We have one guy friend, and I think he just, like, he thinks his wife is the most beautiful woman alive, or body has changed. They have multiple kids. And I don't know. I think he's still just, like, follow some hot girls in Instagram.

But just like, it's for, for, like, candy or, like, I don't know. I think he's cleaned it up a lot. Like, what is the reason? Like, I would love somebody to tell me a good, like, a good reasonable reason. He loves, you know? He thinks he loves hot women. He compliments us. Every time he sees us in front of his wife, he's like, you two are looking hot. It's not creepy. It's not, like, predatory. It's just, it's a guy that likes to look at a hot body. But she's in on it. Like, he'll send her photos of me and him together, like, right? It looks so hot today. Like, it's interesting. But that's our vibe with the two of them. We're really close with her too. And it's like a schick. Again, that's like the thing with these questions. I need the big pick. Sure. Like what else is going on inside the relationship? And we get that question all the time, how can I be more confident? And again, I'm like, how deep does it run? Do you hate yourself? Are you moving your body? Are you happy with your diet? Do you feel good? You know, we just take the weight out of it.

But like, do you feel good? If you each had to say one thing that's made the biggest difference in your own self-confidence, what would you say? What we've achieved, I think believing in myself and being proud of myself and what we've accomplished. I mean, whether people like it or not, you know, Rain and I, I can't deny that, like, I've made this life for myself all by myself and the Botox. Yeah, I was going to say an upper eye blouse. But that was like, I was going to joke that it's an upper eye blast. No, it's my rhinoplasty, actually.

Physically, it is my nose job if I'm being shallow about it. But it's just that I'm really proud of myself. Are they going to see? It's just that I'm really proud of my nose job. I'm so proud of my nose job. It's the doctor of chinty in Short Hills, New Jersey. If you guys are listening, I have the best nose in the begin the game. Okay.

So you're upper bluff and, which I just for somebody who doesn't know that upper bluff is very quickly, they like take a little bit of your eyelid skin and like make it go away kind of. Yeah. If you have like hooded eyes. Yeah. You can't put eye shadow on. But it's also the surgery like every, if you think a celebrity hasn't had an upper bluff, they probably like every celebrity.

There's just like every celebrity. Yeah. All of them. Like literally 100. percent of celebrities have gotten this particular surgery. Do you think celebrities are better than you or not? They should have better plastic surgeon and more money than you. Chris Jenner. New face. Yeah. No, it is, it is crazy. A deeper, more loaded answer for me is that I've struggled with disorder eating my entire life. Again, I was my every moment of my life growing up, women were told

you're not good enough, thin enough, pretty enough, none of that. I think realizing that like, first of all, the most unhappy I ever was in my life were the thinest times in my life. Being that thin, reaching a certain weight certainly did not make me happy. It did not make men like me more or less in any way. I hated myself the most. I was the thinnest. And so that didn't do anything positive for me. I realized that there will always be women that are more beautiful than me to other people and thinner and more valuable for different reasons. That doesn't make me less so. And to Ashley's point, there's so many other things to like about myself. And losing 10 pounds is not going to make me a happier person

unless you heal what's inside of you. And yeah, I feel great when I look great. And I love those things. You'd be crazy to deny something like that. I love to look nice and dress well for myself. I love attention for men and to feel good. And I love when girls comment, like, you guys look so great.

That's really fun for me. I think you have to heal what's inside first. And I really resonated with this content from her name is Josie Balka. She was in our show in May. I saw a TikTok reel of hers. It's probably pinned on her page if you guys want to look for it, but she talks about how, like, I never saw a beach body so perfect that I ever thought about it. It's second again in my life. Like, we all go to the beach with

bikinis and we hate ourselves and our cellulet and this thing's sagging. I have stretch marks here. No one thinks about you as much as you think about you. And another part of this, she says, you know, when I'm describing the things I love about my friends, you never say, like, she fits so well in her jeans. You know, you'll talk about that they're kind and they're wonderful. And I think in the video, she says, you know, I might mention they are beautiful, but it's part of a long list of things that I will mention what makes them beautiful. And I don't know, I just, every day I don't love myself. It's not 365. I'm look at her go. But I am mostly pretty confident. It's taking a lifetime of work. It's not, you don't wake up one day like that.

And then the second question that that brought up for me is how do you know when it's time to break up with somebody? How much time do you have? That's really loaded of a question. You know, how long have you been in a relationship? Do you have children? What are your goals? We talk to our girlfriends all the time about this. I had a friend that's going through breakup and she said to me, am I making a huge mistake? Because he's a really good person. We love him. We really like them both together. But she's not happy. And how long can you tolerate being happy? What percentage of the time do you need to be happy? How bad are the bad times? Is this going to get better? Is there hope? You know, we find plenty of people that are like, I'm with this person. That's a solid person.

It's kind and wonderful. Treats me while. I trust them. They make a living that is comfortable. for me. It's hard to tell somebody go, but are you at your threshold where you cannot deal with this and it will not get better? Have they made your life better than worse? I mean, or is it the same? I guess that could be an answer. But have they actually enhanced your life or have they made it harder? Your partner is supposed to lighten your load, make you happier, make you feel more motivated, make you feel more confident. And do you want to hang out with them forever? I mean, again, and it's, we talk so much in here from younger women.

And it's like, the stakes aren't that high. I mean, I get it. Maybe you want to be married and start having kids of 25. That's your truth. But to me, I'm like, when you're younger, things matter less. And I speak to women very differently that are in their early, mid, late 30s who want children. It's a different thing than someone who's in their 20s when you're talking about a long-term partner. But I think about this a lot of times of my fiance.

like, I want to hang out with them forever. At least that's how I feel now. And you just have to be with them a lot. Like, I just think that's like a question to ask yourself. And I think a lot of women know in their gut if it's right or if it's wrong. But I've had people message me and say they've broken up with their partner because the way that I speak about my partner because it's like I talk about him in a way that this has made my life better, you know, and I love him so much.

That's such like good micro advice is like surrounding. yourself with healthy couples, whether it's online in real life any way you can because then you have that point of comparison and you know what's possible for yourself. And again, couples that you, I guess, know in real life or you can trust. I mean, I talk about my partner honestly. Because everything you see online is not real. But look at the relationships that you aspire to. And do you have that? Could you get there? Well, and I also think there's like the difference between like, happy anniversary, honey, you're the love of my life. life and like people where you can tell they're like really talking about the relationship.

They're, they're admiringly talking about their partner. Like you've said so many great things about your partner just in the course of this. You're not like bragging, but it's just very clear that you hold him in high regard and that he treats you as if he holds you in high regard too. And I think you can look for that. Like you can kind of tell when it's like the performative and when people are genuinely living this thing. Yeah.

I think it's hard to be honest with yourself when you're in the middle of it. And like I think back to like my fiancee and I and I would not have left him. And I'm glad that he left me because if I'm totally honest with myself, if we were moved that he was dependable and he was a good teammate, he was sweet to me and he was handsome. We didn't have a great sex life.

I didn't feel particularly intellectually stimulated ever. I was deeply concerned that I would be the only breadwinner forever and that I would always be mothering this person. If I'm really honest with myself, that was not like the building blocks to a long-term relationship. He's a great person.

He will be a great part. to somebody else. But if I'm really honest, I wasn't that happy day to day. I was frustrated. I was scared. I was disappointed all the time. And even though somebody is a quote unquote good person, I don't know what I'm going to spend the rest of my life just at like a, like just a low grade disappointment level. Yeah, I wonder a lot about people who have these concerns. Should I stay or should I go? Should we break up? And then they get married. And they're anxious and they have cold feet on the wedding day, and I'm not saying that that can't happen to people who are fully in love and meant to be together. But I'm like, they really go through with it. And does it correct?

I don't know, because we've been seeing couples break up and we're like, we always kind of knew. You know, like, it wasn't great. Like, it should be really strong. I don't think you're supposed to have doubts before you get married. I mean, I, but that's speaking from someone who I'm pretty self-assured in life and I have a secure attachment style. So I want to validate that. Some people are just generally question themselves more. They're more anxious. They have different issues, abandonment issues, different traumas. But I just think you should feel sure. Yeah, life is really long. You want to anchor yourself to something that you're like not sure about? I ask myself two questions usually. It's do I want to do the really mundane tasks of everyday life with this person? Do I want to

keep the kitchen clean with them? Do I want to go grocery shopping with them? Do I want to do that kind of step? And for big intense moments, is this the person that I want by my side? So if I got cancer or a family member died or something like that, is this the person I'd want to go through that with? And if the answer to either of those things is no, that's like a hard, hard no for me. I'm glad I asked. Those are amazing. Because I think let's just take, let's just go full cancer, the darkest thing. Yeah.

And or your parents die or whatever. Or like, if you really ask yourself, like, is that person going to be the one by my side holding me, being with me, supporting me? Like, I do think you know that answer. You should know them well enough to know the answer. None of us is getting through life with zero tragedy. Like, just none of us are. That's, we're not. So I think you have to ask yourself, like, who are the people you want in your life for that when it comes, you know?

Mm-hmm. Can you just end us with what's one piece of advice from somebody on your podcast that changed your life in, like, a noticeable real way? The number one thing I've changed in my life and learned and implemented. I don't know who probably came from a multitude of guess is just to be less reactive. And you'll have to say every time you're upset about something and you can be more thoughtful and patient and decide if something is even worth a conflict. And my relationship with Raina has helped me become a better person and become a better partner with my fiance. And I've just, obviously, a lot of that's just growing up too. But just to be less reactive.

and pick your battles. And I think realizing reinforced over and over how different people are and we're not all the same and we don't all communicate the same, fight the same, live the same, want the same things out of life.

And that's not a hot take at all. But I think that's the thing I've learned the most and to be more understanding and compassionate. I like her answer. I agree. I mean, we've had so many experts, it's in different rounds. I mean, Esther Perald changed my entire life,

but that's mostly about cheating, fidelity, desire for one person. What did you say that changed your entire life? I think that she just really talks a lot about what we truly are asking of our partners in terms of like be my best friend, be my confidant, but excite me and thrill me and fuck me like a porn star, but also be stable. And I want these deep into, and never in history have we ever asked so much of one person. And it's a lot.

Be my best friend, but surprise me. all the time and achieve this deep level of intimacy with me, but I don't want monotony. And that's a lot for one person to take on. And so when we're having second doubts, or second thoughts and doubts that that's, like, deeply normal and to reduce it to like, well, marriage is hard,

and relationships are hard. Or, you know, just stick it out is, like, not fair. And every situation is nuanced in a one-size-fits-one. Okay, I'm going to do one more. I do think overarching was probably Esther Perel and Ian Kerrne and Michaela and Michaela Bome, who we had on very early on, who all talk about living with somebody, the marriage, the combining your lives is not what leads you to hot sex. Like, those two things don't really go together. It's just that like high level of like intimacy living together, being on top of each other all

the time, sharing a lot of the same things and also having that spontaneous, spicy sex and like how you navigate that in your relationship. And I think that can be really. like a light bulb moment for people. And it's just like, how do you navigate it so you don't become dissatisfied in your relationship and your sex life? Esther also says that like, I'll quote her all day long,

but that one of the things that people report being the most attracted to their partner, like when you say, when are you most attract to your partner? It's when you can sort of watch them do something outside of you. And that might just be like making plans for dinner and a movie. Like the day on their own woke up and plan this thing and they're going to dazzle you with their skills

of like I can make a plan, I can be a reservation. I know you're going to like it. You don't have to just, you don't have to do anything. Yeah. I mean, for Ashley and I, it's obviously like somebody being able to watch us on stage, which not everybody has access to. But like, are they doing anything creative? Are they doing anything that you can be really proud of and watch them shine in a certain way? And I think that's like really important too because there's so much monotony that comes into relationships. Tell anybody who is not familiar with your amazing podcast about it and where they can find it and anything else that you guys want to shout out. I let her take this. So, girls, Girls Gotta Eat is the podcast. You can find it wherever you listen to podcasts. We are on YouTube, full episodes. We have two episodes a week. Monday is our dating, and we have these guests on that we've mentioned, and then Thursday is our snack episode, and we break down pop culture and news, and we have a lot of fun with that.

So two episodes weekly, Girls Gotta Eat, Dot com. And we've mentioned our sexual wellness company, and that is vibes only.com. Tons of premium products. It's great for gifting. It's really a luxury. And we have an app that goes with that, and it is erotic audio throughout the I'm such a fan. I know.

We just send you stuff. I do think there's going to be backlash on porn. Like, I do. I just think that it's causing so many negative effects at this point. I think that audio is the answer to it. So thanks for putting that out there. Yeah. Yeah.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, Liz. You're wonderful. And you will be on our show in August. It's a phenomenal episode. If you want more from Ashley and Raina, go check out Girls Got to Eat, which you can find wherever you listen to podcasts.

And you can find Vives Only at Vives Only.com. And finally, remember to go listen to the Monday episode of their show that I am on and let me and let them know if you liked it and if we should do another swap sometime. There are two things that you can do right now that make a huge difference in the success of this show and they are both free. First, follow the podcast on Spotify or Apple or YouTube or wherever you are watching or listening. Even if you think you are following, check that button on the podcast homepage, the one that lists all of the episodes. make sure that it says following. Next, send a link to this episode to one person that you think would enjoy it, one person that you think might benefit from it,

maybe a girlfriend with an Akotar, did I say that right, Akotar addiction, maybe just somebody that you want to debate with what counts as teabagging, which has been a real conversation, says I have this conversation. You have so, so many options. We are able to bring you this show completely for free thanks to the amazing brands that we partner with. If you are looking for science-backed products to elevate every single part of your life,

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That's at lizmoody.substack.com. Okay, I love you. I hope you had as much fun with this episode as I did, and I will see you on the next episode of the Liz Moody podcast. Oh, just one more thing. It's the legal language. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. It is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician,

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