The Liz Moody Podcast - "I Hate Catch Up Calls!" "I Feel Abandoned!": Your Biggest Long Distance Friendship Problems, Solved

Starting point is 00:00:00 Friendships can be hard when you live in the same place, but they get even harder when they are long distance. Today, my real life long distance friend Lee and I are answering your most difficult to talk about long distance friendship questions, the ones that feel tricky to even bring up to your friends. These are all real questions that you sent in, and this is part of my new series, where ask my real life relationships to come and weigh in on your biggest struggles about that relationship. So like I had Zach come in to chat about your trickiest relationship issues. I'm having my mother-in-law on soon to talk through your trickiest mother-in-law challenges. So stay tuned and make sure that you are subscribed for that. Lee and I met when we were both magazine editors in New York City, where she still lives with her two kids while I have since moved back to California.

Starting point is 00:00:44 All right, Lee, welcome to the podcast. Let's just jump right in. Welcome to the Liz Moody podcast where we believe that there is always something that you can do to create a life that feels amazing. And we help you figure out how to find the lever to pull at any moment to actually do that. I have a friend from college that I love and really want to stay in touch with,

Starting point is 00:01:04 but she now lives across the country. I check in every month or two and occasionally send her an Instagram post that I think she'd like. When she responds, it feels like she isn't putting in much effort, and I'm the only one keeping the friendship going. She came to visit two years ago and we had an amazing time.

Starting point is 00:01:19 How do I know if she just doesn't want to be friends anymore or if she's not good at long distance? Okay, so the first thing that I do want to say here is this person checks in every month or two and occasionally sends an Instagram post, I feel like that could be perceived as not that much effort too. I don't think that sending an Instagram post

Starting point is 00:01:36 every now and then says to somebody necessarily, like, I really want to stay in this friendship, which isn't a bad thing, but your friend might be perceiving the same amount of effort on each end. Right. Yes, that seems like a very low effort friendship on both ends to me. I mean, Instagram.

Starting point is 00:01:52 That's, yeah, you're not going to get much over there. I would say if there is a way to communicate, what a high-quality connection looks like for each of you. For example, one of my closest friends, I sort of lost touch with her at the beginning of the pandemic because she had moved away and I had had a baby and she always wanted to have phone dates and I just was like, I don't know when I could even do that

Starting point is 00:02:16 and it just would stress me out. And then she came to visit and I just was very honest. And I said, do you know about this app called Marco Polo? And I was like, I do it with one of my other friends. That would be a really easy way for me to stay in touch with you. Because then I can send you videos when I feel like it. You can still see my life.

Starting point is 00:02:33 I can see your life. And now it's been five years and we send each other Marco Polos like every three days. And that fixed it. So I do think thinking about for you, maybe it's Marco Polo for you, maybe it's voice knows.

Starting point is 00:02:45 Maybe it's a phone catch up every other week that's on the calendar. Maybe it's folding your laundry together. Maybe it's a show that you watch together and then you text throughout the show and you talk about it afterward. But I think whatever it is, defining clearly the parameters because right now you're reaching out every few months, you're sending

Starting point is 00:03:01 Instagram posts and you're thinking that your friend is perceiving that to mean something, but like your friend might not know what that means at all to that. Yeah. So I think just clearly saying like, this is what I want our friendship to look like. Your friend will say what they want your friendship to look like and then you can figure out something that works for both of you. Absolutely. Okay. My friend who I am so close with recently moved away pretty abruptly. I understand taking a chance, but it felt hurtful. What are your thoughts on being hurt when close people move away? I know it's not about me, but I was surprised that she could do it so abruptly.

Starting point is 00:03:33 This brought up so many feelings for me. I have a close friend and she was going to move to Australia a number of years ago. And it wasn't about me at all. It was about her having this grand life adventure. And all I could think was like, oh, you don't love me. You're leaving me for Australia. And it wasn't about me at all. But I had these very real feelings of like,

Starting point is 00:03:55 hurt an abandonment about it. And it's so interesting how we expect our friendships to hold this incredibly important place in our life, but we don't make life decisions around them in the same way that you would a partner or family members. But it does have that weight. Yes. And I think that the feelings are totally valid. I would also love to offer a reframe that now you have this cool place you can go visit. And you'll have a free place to stay. So my good friend, who lives back in Oakland now, she moved to Hawaii for a few years. And I was so excited because I was like, great, I get to go visit her in Hawaii. So we created all these new memories on that trip. I still look at those pictures. It was like this invaluable experience. And my other friend moved

Starting point is 00:04:42 to North Carolina in maybe 2018. And I visited her a few times there. And what a cool state. Now I know this state that I had never been to before super well because of her. Do you ever get, though, that feeling of like, I feel even embarrassed saying this, but like, oh, am I not enough to make you want to stay here? Like, is our friendship not worth enough to you to want to stay around me? No. Because I think that they are independent people and they are allowed to have follow their bliss. Whatever they want to do, I want to support them. And is it hard? Yes, it's sad, but also they're making the right decision for their lives. And I get to go visit them. I think it can be about to this feeling of what we value and what we're prioritizing. Today, more than ever before in history, it's really easy to move. So, like, people are picking up and going to new cities and you'll be friends with somebody for a year or two years and then maybe they'll move back to their hometown or move away

Starting point is 00:05:41 to another place. And I do think that's a tricky element. And I think it can feel a little destabilizing when you're like, my top priority is community and friendship, but your top priority right now is adventure. our job opportunity or being close to your family or any of these other things and you feel like your priorities are mismatched or they don't align. I do think that I've had that feeling of hearing that someone is moving to be closer to their family and that weirdly hurt my feelings because I was kind of like, am I not your family, your chosen family? I've definitely had that feeling before,

Starting point is 00:06:14 but I try to push past it and understand that they're making the best decision for their lives. my job is to support them in that. And I do think more than ever before, we have the tools to stay in touch with people when they are far away. I was just talking to a friend who lives in France and her family lives in the United States and she face-times them every night. And she's like, I'm well aware there has never been a moment before in history where I could live on a different continent than my family and still feel so close and so connected

Starting point is 00:06:43 to them. But I do think that is sort of a magical thing about this moment. And I would say, do as I say, not as I do. And like, don't take it personally. It is not about you in any way, shape, or form, even though sometimes you can feel that sting a little bit that it is. And if you can step back and say, like, I want my friends to live their best possible lives. And maybe this is part of that journey right now. I think that can be really helpful.

Starting point is 00:07:07 You're absolutely right. I went to New Zealand earlier this year. And I was shocked that my phone just worked like a normal phone. Like, I didn't even have to call the phone company. Wow. Yeah. Things just changed so fast. The last time I traveled abroad, I definitely did.

Starting point is 00:07:18 I'm like going to age myself. But when I very first went to your phone, I was. up when I was 16. I had to go to like, like, internet cafes and you would get a card and you'd go to a phone booth at the internet cafe and you have like, they'd be like 20 minutes and you would be like, okay, I'm going to go for my 20. Did you have to do that? Absolutely. That's crazy. And I remember when I studied abroad in London, I had to get like a SIM card for. Yeah. And now your friend just works. Exactly. I think about when my parents might live across the country from their parents and they could only call them on Sundays because that's when it was the rates were lower for long distance. So it is just

Starting point is 00:07:54 so much easier. The only other thing that I would add here is I have a friend and when she started dating her boyfriend, they were long distance and they turned it into such a positive because they would have these deep lengthy phone conversations where they'd really get to know each other in these deep ways and they brought this intentionality to that process. They brought this intimacy to that process. And so I would say as much as possible. And I think you said this with like free guest room. But can you view this as an opportunity?

Starting point is 00:08:23 Can you have a phone date where you go through some conversations, starter cards and you really have deeper conversations than you might even have in person? You have more scheduled, more intentional time. I would say you can't control maybe where your friends move often, but you can control the opportunities that you see in that. Okay. My best friend has aging parents and we don't live in the same place. What's the best way to support someone when we can't be together? I had a friend who went through the hardest thing that anyone can possibly imagine going through. This was a few years ago. And when it happened, the first thing I did, I lived 3,000 miles away from her and I dropped everything and I flew out to spend time with her. And I spent two weeks and there was nothing convenient about this. I was abandoning a lot of responsibilities. You were going through a really hard time yourself.

Starting point is 00:09:12 I was also going through a really hard time. And I just sat with her every single day for two weeks. I didn't, I just showed up at her house and just kind of hung out in the background and I would drag her out for walks. And it was really hard. It felt at that time better to be there than to not be there. And then I had to go back because I had to resume my normal life. And that was much harder than being with her. so I really empathize with anyone whose friend is going through a hard time and they don't live near them.

Starting point is 00:09:43 What I did during that time is I just called her every single day. And I had a mutual friend who said, like, I don't know how much space to give her. I don't know. And I said, I'm just not giving her any space. And, you know, this is partially the nature of our relationship and how long we've been friends and how close we are. And I don't think that that's the right decision for everybody. But I do think airing on the side of too much versus too little. I think we so often err on the side of too little because we're worried, I don't know,

Starting point is 00:10:13 that we're going to be like over the top, that we're going to be bothering them, whatever. And whether it's aging parents, which is more of an ongoing, like, slow burn crisis in many ways or this more acute, intense crisis, I think that err on the side of more. Yes. And that is what I did. And it was hard because sometimes she, was in just a state of complete misery and depression and sometimes she didn't pick up the phone. And then when she did pick up the phone, she was just crying and wanted to just talk obsessively

Starting point is 00:10:44 about this thing that she had gone through. And it was very traumatic. And it wasn't always easy for me to listen to. And the thing that I had to say to myself is friendships have seasons. And this is the season where I'm just taking care of her. And it won't always be. be like this and I think there will be a time when the opposite is true. But I had to fully give myself over to this is what I'm doing and this is my role as her friend right now. And it felt so much better to do that and just constantly reach out and constantly call and constantly text and just I asked her what she needed all the time. I would say to her like, is what I'm saying right now making it worse or better all the time. I was just like, I love that. And again, this is very much, I do

Starting point is 00:11:34 think the nature of our relationship and how close we are, but I always, like, would just say, like, what is this making you feel? And she would sometimes say, like, I don't know. And sometimes it makes it worse. Sometimes it makes it better. But, you know, eventually she did kind of emerge from that fog and things feel more normal and more equal again. But it's, it's tough. Do you feel closer to her for that time or no? I don't know. It's just different. I think it's kind of hard for me to say, like, yes, we're closer now because in a way that almost implies like good things she went through that because we're closer, even though, of course, that's not, you know, what you mean. But I think we are closer in a different way in that now, you know, you've seen your friend

Starting point is 00:12:16 go through the hardest thing someone could go through. And yeah, I guess in a way, in a messed up way. So my father-in-law died last summer and he was 97 years old. So he was aging and dealing with a lot of the things around aging for a long time before he died. And I know for me, and I know for Zach, people just taking the time to ask, how is he doing? How are you doing? How are you processing this? Was really, really helpful. Again, I think there was a few times actually where it wasn't appreciated and it wasn't what either of us wanted to talk about at the moment. And even in those moments, we would have rather,

Starting point is 00:12:55 and did, just say, you know, that's not what we want to talk about at this moment than having the person not check in at all. So I really do think like checking in. And I love what you said of like, tell me if this feels good. Tell me if you want to share a memory of them. If you don't, tell me that. And I, and giving the space for any sort of reaction to be true. Yeah. And just know that they often don't know what they're feeling. When people are in a state of extreme stress with aging parents or grief, they don't know what they're going to feel like from day to day. So the constant check-ins can really help. And I agree. I think always just err on the same. side of showing up more versus showing up less.

Starting point is 00:13:33 One of my good friends lives in a different city, so once a year I plan a summer trip to stay with her. We always have a great time, but she has never come to visit me. I know she values my friendship, but it hurts my feelings. She's not that much of a planner and gets stressed easily, but that's not an excuse. She takes off work to visit family and go to friends' weddings. I casually mentioned she has to come stay with me next time, but she never follows up. I mean, I think the line there is I casually mentioned she has to come stay with me next time,

Starting point is 00:13:59 but she never follows up. Don't casually mention it. Say, it's really important to me that you come stay with me. I would love to take you to my favorite restaurant. I would love to take you on my favorite walk. I would love to show you how I've decorated my house. Like make it clear that this is something that's important to you and that you value instead of like offhand being like, hey girl, like would love to host you. I also think it can feel a little bit like an imposition because you have this casual invitation, but you don't really know if they mean it. And you don't know when would be convenient. And you don't know what their work schedule is like. I don't think it's too far to take out the calendar and say, hey, I have August mostly free. So if you could make that trip work,

Starting point is 00:14:39 I would love to figure out of time and come up with an itinerary and just have this awesome time with you. And don't view it as her having any feelings about your friendship. Like until you've actually made the steps to try to make this happen, view it as a planning problem and a communication problem versus some sort of judgment about your friendship or how much he loves you or how much she cares about you. Yeah, I think if I had a casual open invitation, I wouldn't take advantage of it. No, when we lived nomadically, you came and visited us when we lived in Durango. And I was like, I wanted everybody to come visit us nomatically because we were in these really fun places. And I was like, okay, which place do you want to come to? What's the weekend? And it was really fun.

Starting point is 00:15:19 That's what I'm saying. It wasn't an open invitation. It was just like, hey, let's pick a time. Want to come in whatever month that was. I was like, sure. Yeah, that was so fun. If you're a mom, I am not. And your close friend lives far away. Are you bummed when they don't really know your kids? I forget birthdays, don't think to send gifts, don't care much about seeing them when I visit.

Starting point is 00:15:39 It's hard enough keeping up with her, much less her kids. Do you care if I keep up with Emma and Lucy? No. Do you think a lot of your mom friends do? Like, are you the anomaly? Or do you think that like it's enough to keep up with your actual friend? What is there really to keep up with? I don't know.

Starting point is 00:15:53 like Emma started kindergarten this week or like Lucy is learning to walk. Like do you care that I'm following their milestones in life in any way? No. I really don't. I don't think that that would be that interesting for you. And I think that most of my friends feel the same way. They don't even, we don't really talk about what our kids are doing with my other mom friends.

Starting point is 00:16:15 Like, we don't really talk about that. You guys built the friendship on your relationship with each other. So stick to that. That's already plenty of work. Your skin isn't just getting older. It's being actively broken down by something called senescent cells. They sit there releasing inflammatory signals, breaking down your collagen, degrading your skin barrier, and accelerating every visible sign of aging.

Starting point is 00:16:35 Scientists call them zombie cells, and they are one of the primary drivers of how old your skin looks and feels. The team at one skin spent five years testing over 900 peptides to figure out how to help reduce the accumulation of senescent cells. And they finally landed on it. OSO1, the first peptide scientifically studied to reduce skin's biological age at the molecular level. OSO1 goes in and it clears out the senescent cells so it helps skin function like healthier, younger looking skin.

Starting point is 00:17:02 It is not masking the signs of aging. It's not targeting one thing. It is actually rolling the clock back at a cellular level. I've been using the face moisturizer for almost six months now and I love it so much. It feels amazing. It goes on really smoothly. It's not tacky at all. And I actually see a difference.

Starting point is 00:17:18 My skin looks firmer. it looks glowier. The texture feels dramatically smoother. I also love the body moisturizer. It dries down really quickly, which is always a pet peeve of mine with moisturizers. And again, I'm reducing my skin's biological age. I am not making it just look younger. I am making it actually younger. One Skin has four peer-reviewed clinical studies in over 10,000 five-star reviews. The data backs everything up. For a limited time, get 15% off with code Liz at oneskin.co slash Liz. Again, that's 15% off at OneSkin. CO with code Liz.

Starting point is 00:17:53 Every single movement that your body makes, every step, every workout, every muscle contraction depends on energy produced at the cellular level. And at the center of that is your mitochondria. Here is the thing that nobody tells you, certainly nobody told me, starting around age 30, our mitochondria naturally become less efficient. More get damaged, more become sluggish, and over time that impacts your energy, your strength, your recovery and your resilience. Most of us respond by pushing more.

Starting point is 00:18:22 We're like noticing these things and we're adding in more protein. We're trying to fix it with more supplements. We're trying to do harder workouts. And those things do help. But timelines research suggests that we also need to be supporting the cellular machinery underneath. And that is exactly what their supplement mitopure does. It contains urolithin A, which helps your body clear out damage mitochondria and support

Starting point is 00:18:44 healthier ones so that your cells can produce energy more efficiently. Because this is happening to your cells, it's going to impact your entire body, your immune system, your muscles, it's going to impact your energy, your sleep, your skin, your cell health impacts all of this, and urolithin egg keeps your cells healthy. Support your cells and how you age with mitopure gummies from Timeline. Visit Timeline.com slash Liz and save up to 39% on your Midopure Gummies, that is timeline.com slash Liz. If you were worried about microplastics, this is the one change you need to make that not nearly enough people are talking about.

Starting point is 00:19:24 Almost every single tea bag contains glues and microplastics. And when you steep your tea in boiling water, the bags release billions of microplastic and nanoplastic particles into your cup. Yes, even the organic brands. And then you think you're drinking this like little health elixir, but you're actually just drinking a cup of microplastics. Because of this, I now only drink loose leaf tea or the peak tea crystals. These are so good for on the go. They come in little packets of powder. And then you mix that powder into hot or cold water with no tea bag necessary. You like stir the entire packet

Starting point is 00:20:01 of the powder into the water. They have a ton of delicious green teas. They have black teas. They have white teas. They have herbal teas. So no matter what your preference is, Peak can give you a healthier option. have turned so many people onto their teas and now they're all obsessed. It's all that they drink. I also love, speaking of macha, their sun goddess macha, and I say this as a very, very, very picky macha drinker. It is time to commit to intentional health. You can unlock 20% off and establish your powerful foundation for sustained well-being at peaklife.com slash Liz Moody. That's P-I-Q-U-E-Life.com slash Liz Moody. Okay.

Starting point is 00:20:43 I have trouble restarting connections with long-distance friends. It feels like the big questions have to get asked, but I don't know anything about their day-to-day life. And then after they catch me up, the conversation sort of peters out and we get awkward and hang up. How can we make connecting more fun? Okay. So I love something called the five-minute phone call, which I do it with only one of my

Starting point is 00:21:03 friends, and I should probably do it with more. But we just call each other. We both have kids. and we just, it doesn't really matter where we are or what we're doing. It's just like, oh, I have five minutes and maybe walking somewhere. I just call her and we just talk for five minutes. Wait, is it pre-established that the call is going to end after five minutes? It's not with this person.

Starting point is 00:21:23 It's sort of just, that's all we have. And eventually a kid will need us and we'll have to hang up. I feel, though, that I would love a phone date within end time. I'm somebody who has, like, severe phone anxiety. And the part that I hate the most about talking on the phone is that end part where you're like, well, Like, I don't know what else. Like, bye, I guess, you know what I mean? Because it made no matter how good the call was, I feel like it's like, well, did we run out

Starting point is 00:21:45 of stuff to talk about? And I hate it. But if you said at the beginning, this is going to be this long of a call, I would love it. I don't know if it solves this person's problem in any way, shape, or form. But I would love it. Yeah. A short phone call is great. I think you're so right.

Starting point is 00:21:59 Phone date anxiety is extremely real because it's like kind of building up to this, like, we're going to talk on the phone. And then, like, how are we going to get off the phone? So I think like pre-deciding the ending, which you can also do in a really casual way. You don't have to be like this a 12-minute call. You can say like, oh, I have to like run at this time. And then everybody knows the rules, even if it's fake or I have to do this thing at this time. And you have an out.

Starting point is 00:22:22 For this person, I would say two things. One, I love when my friends, especially my long-distance friends, keep me in the loop of their day-to-day life. They'll tell me about what's going on with their different friends. And it's almost like watching a sitcom from afar or something. you're like, okay, I know all the characters. I'm keeping track of all of them. And it gives you more to talk about and more of a sense of actually being part of their life instead of just getting these big life milestones. Yes. And that actually made me think about something, which is gossip. If you have a good piece of gossip to share, as long as it's not mean, just like harmless gossip,

Starting point is 00:22:58 that is an amazing thing to bond over. Like, if you call your friend and you're like, hey, did you see what so-and-so is, did you see their Instagram post today? How crazy is that? It just sort of brings you back to that casual conversation. And again, it has to be fun. It can't be sad or super mean. But I think that gossip is an incredible bonder and you just makes conversation flow very easily. Gossip has been used as a tool for bonding throughout the centuries. Like, it used to be a way that people would kind of bond. They would talk about like what was going on with the royals and stuff like that. And now celebrities often occupy that space in society, which is a great, like celebrities are super fun to talk about and a really interesting thing, which actually brings me to my second thing,

Starting point is 00:23:35 which is I do think having some sort of about. I talk about this all the time, but I do think that like having a TV show that you check in about together or a book club that you're doing long distance and then you use the book, book clubs are phenomenal because you're not really talking about the book.

Starting point is 00:23:50 You're using the book as a jumping off point to talk about sex and relationships and money and love and expectations for our lives and trad wives and all these different things. So like read a book together and then talk about that so that you're getting beyond the day to day. So I'd say both include more day to day because I think that's really fun and give yourself

Starting point is 00:24:11 opportunities to talk about things that are outside of the day to day. Especially if it's about tradwives. Especially if it's about Chad Wives. I also think, yeah. I mean, think about how exciting it was after Taylor Swift's wedding. I called like all my friends. And I was like, so what did you think about that? Well, and we bonded over the fact that we were both like a little sad that we weren't

Starting point is 00:24:32 invited. Yeah. We felt, we felt weirdly so excluded. I was like, I just feel like a fucking loser. Like, I just like wasn't invited to this wedding. I live in the city. Well, and there was this like element of like, oh, I didn't make, I had this finite time to make it to the place in my life where I would be invited to Taylor's West wedding, which is an insane thing to say. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:24:52 But I said it to you and you were like, I felt that way too. And so it like, this celebrity moment gave us this thing that we could bond about, which was really nice. To be clear, I've moved on. But I was like really hurt that I wasn't invited. I also will say I'm going to shout out conversation cards or conversation questions that you can just find online by searching conversation starters for phone catchups with long distance friends. You can get so specific these days and get results. And I have a conversation card company.

Starting point is 00:25:20 We also have a free conversation download. If you go to Liz Moody.com slash Convo, C-O-N-V-O, we'll put a free download of a bunch of different conversation starter questions. If you just sit there and be like, hey, I thought it'd be fun to do a five-minute catch-up on Friday night where we will do one conversation prompt and then we'll get off the phone. So you'll get to know each other a little deeper and then you're out. Okay. I have a friend from elementary school back home that I've really grown apart from. Every phone call feels boring like we're going through a checklist of what's new. I don't want to put time or energy into a friendship that isn't making my life better, but I think she wants to stay friends and she's really good at checking in. I don't want to tell her we're done because she didn't do anything wrong, but I do want to fizzle out our communications. How should I approach this? I'm at a loss, especially since we've known each other so long. The first, thing I would say to this person is similar to the last person, which is like catch up calls are the death of friendships. Like I just think it immediately feels like a homework assignment. If you're like, oh my gosh, I have to report on my day to this person. So I would ask before you slow fade out

Starting point is 00:26:19 of the friendship, if there's even the tiniest inkling that this might be a friendship that has something left to it, could you switch from the catch up call to more of a book club call or a conversation starter call or an in-person trip together or anything that is experientially new instead of just like reporting on what's going on with your life. Yeah, I think that's good advice. And I would also say if you have to do the slow fade, I think that's okay. It's probably painful for you too if this was a friendship that was at one point really close. But I don't think every friendship has to be forever, just as every relationship doesn't have to be forever. I mean, I've heard of people getting divorced and saying that was still a worthwhile relationship.

Starting point is 00:26:59 even though it ended. And I think the same can be true of friendships. And I don't think you have to have this big dramatic breakup. It sounds like you're kind of already starting the slow fade. So I think continuing with that is fine. The unfortunate truth is all of us only have so much time and so much in our lives. And we do have to be careful about how we spend that time and energy. I also do think sometimes just like a quick text does not cost you very much. And so like if it's a quick text once a month or something, maybe that will make her feel connected still. And if the slow fade is not met with receptively, I think then it might be worth having a conversation. Like, I love our friendship so much. I don't have the time or energy to maybe put into it what you seem to need to get out of

Starting point is 00:27:47 it right now. But I love you. I appreciate you, et cetera. Do you have any hacks for staying close to long-distance friends? I have a lot of hacks. Yes. The Marco Polo hack is a great one. I think something that you do, voice notes is a great one. I personally feel like when I get a recording from my friend, it's like listening to my favorite podcast besides the Liz Moody podcast of their lives. I also want to add for voice notes because a lot of people don't know this. You can press and hold the play button and play it faster. So you can play it at 1.5 or 2 speed. Well, no, because sometimes you're like 12 minute voice note. What are we doing here? I'm weirdly offended. I'm weirdly offended that like someone would want to speed up listening to, oh, I speed up every single one of your

Starting point is 00:28:29 voice notes. Okay, well, um, noted. You know, it's fine. Um, but having... You want me to sit and say, like, put out a snack and, like, sit and savor it. It's not sitting. It's like you're doing your dishes. You are... I personally, because I have little kids, I spend so much time, like, cleaning and doing laundry. So it's just nice to have something lovely to listen to, like the sound of your friend's voice recounting their day. I think, like, what I do with my one friend where we just, like, I have five minutes and I just am like, let's see what she's up to. And I just call her. And we just are like exchanging little words. And it's not like, what were you up to today? It's just like, I'm so annoyed with this thing at work because X, Y, Z. It's just,

Starting point is 00:29:09 it just keeps us constantly in each other's lives. Yeah, those are two big ones. I have one where I'll send one of my friends five photographs from my week at the end of every week. And she sends back five photographs of her week. And I think that's a really fun way to stay in touch. I have another friend who does morning gratitude with a long distance friends. So they each send one to three things that they're grateful for by text every single morning. You don't have to do anything else with that, but it keeps both of them consistent in the habit. So I do think if there's a habit you want to have, I've done meditation challenges with long distance friends. We'll check it and be like, did you meditate today? And we have to meditate every single day. Workout challenges the same thing.

Starting point is 00:29:47 So I think if there's a healthy habit you want to incorporate, you can use that as a way to stay close to a long distance friend. And I think that could be like a really fun habit stack. Yeah, and I think texting gets kind of a bad rap in the world of communication because, of course, it's not as good as being on the phone or seeing them in person or sending a voice memo. But I'm a writer myself. So I think that I can communicate my feelings and my day pretty well in written text. And I think sometimes that's all we have the capacity for. And I think texts are great. Do you think our friendship has suffered at all from me moving away and us becoming long distance? No, I think partially because I told you that when my friends move away, I get extremely excited to visit them in places. That's very important to me and is a priority. And you've also made an effort to come to New York quite a bit. I mean, work brings you there, but you also just come. And I remember really well when I was going through a hard time, I told you that my daughter's

Starting point is 00:30:43 birthday party was, she was turning four. And I was like, you should come to her birthday party. There'll be stuff for adults too. And you literally changed your flight so that you could be there. And that's the kind of thing that people remember. Obviously, I still remember it all these years later. And I just think both of us have made an effort to stay friends in these ways of literally physically showing up. I also think small talk is not really our thing. And since we've known each other, we're just like tell me your hopes and dreams and your childhood trauma and your deepest darkest feelings, I feel like when we talk to each other, we just dive right in. Yeah. You've always been one of my favorite people to talk to much to your chagrin when we were working to. together. I used to get really mad at me because I'd want to talk all day and she wanted to work. Yeah,

Starting point is 00:31:29 I'm a very efficient worker. I pride myself on getting a lot done in a little bit of time. And Liz would be next to me like, hey, hey, tell me about your grandma on your mom's side. What was she like? But it made the work day way more fun. Yeah. But yeah, I do think that's true. And also, another thing I think we do really well is we don't read anything into anything. We communicate it out. So, like, if you don't talk to me for two months, or I'm actually a pretty bad texter. I have, like, 900 unread texts. I view text messages. This might be controversial as messages.

Starting point is 00:32:02 So they're left and you can answer them at your convenience, which might be a week later. Is that controversial? I do remember picking up your phone once and seeing that you had, like, 900 texts. And it was like my anxiety just, like, I was like all these poor people that she's left on red. But I just view, like, the point of a message is you leave it. And when the other person has time or it's like a good moment for them, then they can return the message at their convenience. And that might be like a week or two weeks or three weeks later.

Starting point is 00:32:27 I just think if I'm going to get canceled. I just think if I had that many unread texts that I didn't answer, like, no one would ever talk to me again. Like, and I would just never, I would just never answer them. I would just be like, oh, it's been too long. No, I do. I try to answer them. I'm like always filing through them. But if you ever felt like me not answering your text for a certain amount of time meant that I didn't love you as much or didn't care about you or I wasn't being there for you during an important time in your life, which, by the way, I do prioritize when there are texts that are like, I need you in this moment. You would have said that to me. And you don't take like this, a chunk of silent time as any indication of like my thoughts on the

Starting point is 00:33:03 friendship and vice versa. If I don't hear from you for a little bit, I'm not like, oh my gosh, Lee doesn't love me anymore. And if I did think that, I would ask you. And I do think that communication element and never negatively interpreting the other person's actions or lack of actions has been really helpful. I think in all friendships, assuming positive intent as much as possible is really important. And I think in long distance friendships, that becomes even more true. Yes. And I mean, I'm the least paranoid friend that's ever lived with all my friends, which may be to a fault. I'm not sure. But I think because if something is wrong, I will always tell you, I just assume that the reverse is true. And I'm sort of at a point in my life, like being 39,

Starting point is 00:33:43 where I'm just like, if that's not how you operate, then I can't. I just don't have time for that. I just don't have time. Like, I, you know, know that the people that I'm closest to will say, well, tell me if I said something or did something to hurt their feelings. And I've even texted a friend a few times and I've sent the text in them and like, ooh, that wasn't great. What I just said wasn't great.

Starting point is 00:34:04 And I'll just follow it up and be like, you know what, whether you took it that way or not, what I just said was really insensitive and I'm really sorry. Instead of just sitting on it and being like, is she mad at me? I just had the situation today where I said something and I was like to a friend and I was turning it over and over and over in my head. And I was like, I'm just going to tell her that even if she didn't take it that way, like, I will feel better if I just communicate. That's not what I meant.

Starting point is 00:34:26 I really respect her. I really respect her work. And I said the turn. She said, oh, I hadn't even like thought to take it in a negative way. But I'm really glad you said something. And she actually said that it inspired her. There's some stuff that she's been turning over with another friend. And she's like, oh, I'm just going to go clear the air.

Starting point is 00:34:41 I'm just going to go tell her. Always. And like I've had, you know, this friend will respond and say, it did make me kind of sad, but I knew you weren't trying to be mean. But I do think like knowing that I caught myself and was like, ooh, that wasn't great. It's just really valuable. Yeah. For the friendship. I completely agree. Awesome. This was amazing. Thank you, Lee. Thank you, Liz. I think that is unfortunately all we have time for today. So thank you, Lee. And thank you guys for listening and watching. This is to remind you a series. with all different people from my real life. So if you have any type of relationship that you would love to see me do this series with, let me know. And if you have a specific question or something that you want advice on, send it to Lizat Liz Moody.com and you might see it in a future episode. And definitely stay tuned for that mother-in-law episode. That one's going to be really fun. I just so love taking the taboo out of these more taboo conversations. And I love getting to have these conversations with Lee, with you guys. So thank you so much for being here. And I'm so curious if you

Starting point is 00:35:45 agree or disagree with any of the advice that we gave on this episode, definitely let us know in the comments. And I will see you on the next episode of the Liz Moody podcast. Oh, just one more thing. It's the legal language. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. It is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, a psychotherapist, or any other qualified professional. You guys ask me constantly if the hype around red light is real, and the answer is yes, but with one huge caveat, most of the devices on the market aren't actually powerful enough to make a difference.

Starting point is 00:36:20 But if you get one that is, it can transform your skin, your pain, your energy, your hair, even your mood. The huge problem is that the vast majority of red lights on the market are nowhere near the right dose level or what's called a radiance to actually have those benefits. That is why I love Loombox. It was founded by a doctor who could not. find a device that actually met these studied standards to have real results. So she made her own. It is a lightweight portable panel. You can use it anywhere that you need it. I love putting it on my

Starting point is 00:36:49 head for headaches. And it is a god send for cramps. And of course, I use it every single day on my skin. Each bulb amidst both red and near infrared light. Wavelengths and irradiens are third party verified. It's FDA registered, which is so rare. It's really less of a beauty gadget and more of a medical device that also happens to be great for beauty. So if you have been I'm curious about trying red light therapy, Loonbox is the one that I would recommend. And right now you can get 40% off. 40% off when you go to the loombox.com slash Liz. One more thing.

Starting point is 00:37:18 If you have an HSA or FSA, Loonbox may qualify as a medical expense through TrueMed and qualified customers save about 30% on average. You can head to trummed.com slash loombox to check your eligibility before you buy. TrueMed is for qualified customers. HSA, FSA tax savings vary. Again, though, go to the loombox.com slash Liz for that 40% off. genuinely the most used item in my kitchen is my Wonder Oven Pro from our place. It has sold out eight times.

Starting point is 00:37:46 It's that good and it's finally back in stock. So get it before it's gone. The Wonder Evan Pro is an 8 in 1 airfire, toaster oven dehydrator and so much more that has made it so much easier to cook, to roast, to bake. It preheets 60% faster than a traditional oven and it cooks up to 40% faster, which is wild. It heats up in minutes,

Starting point is 00:38:07 which makes it so convenient that I literally, probably use it like I'm counting. I feel like I use it four to five times a day. It makes freezer food and roasted veggies pizza with the perfect texture with like a crispy outside and a fluffy inside. You can roast an entire chicken. You can roast a sweet potato. Our place has made everything, including the Wonder Oven Pro, without forever chemicals since day one. Upgrade your kitchen with Our Place today. Visit from our place.com slash Liz Moody and use code Liz Moody. And use code Moody for 10% off-site-wide. That is, F-R-O-M-O-U-R-A-C-E dot com slash L-I-Z-M-O-O-D-Y, and use code Liz Moody for 10% off-site-wide. With a 100-day trial, you can try it completely

Starting point is 00:38:54 risk-free.

The Liz Moody Podcast - "I Hate Catch Up Calls!" "I Feel Abandoned!": Your Biggest Long Distance Friendship Problems, Solved

There aren't comments yet for this episode. Click on any sentence in the transcript to leave a comment.