The Liz Moody Podcast - Life Lessons From Armchair Expert Monica Padman

Episode Date: April 22, 2024

Monica Padman: actor, writer, producer, and co-host of hit podcast Armchair Expert, shares life lessons she’s learned along the path to success. How to know when to say no and when to say yes to opportunities How to build deep, family-like community with your friends The secret to being less judgemental and more open to to people with differing opinions from you The BEST advice for learning how to be satisfied with your life What boundaries REALLY are and how to set them for yourself BTS of building one of the world’s biggest podcasts and the lessons learned along the way Life lessons about the world of celebrity  And so much more For more from Monica, you can follow her on Instagram @mlpadman. You can listen to all shows under the Armchair umbrella including Armchair Expert, Synced, and Armchair Anonymous on www.armchairexpertpod.com. To join The Liz Moody Podcast Club Facebook group, go to https://www.facebook.com/groups/thelizmoodypodcast. Ready to uplevel every part of your life? Order my new book 100 Ways to Change Your Life: The Science of Leveling Up Health, Happiness, Relationships & Success now!  This episode is sponsored by: AG1: visit drinkag1.com/lizmoody and get your FREE year supply of Vitamin D and 5 free travel packs today. BON CHARGE: visit boncharge.com and use promo code LIZMOODY to get 15% off, plus free shipping and a 12-month warranty. Seed: go to seed.com/lizmoody and use code LIZMOODY for 25% off your first month. Previous episodes referred to in this episode: How To Identify & Deal with Narcissistic Parents, Romantic Partners, Coworkers/Bosses & More with Dr. Ramani Durvasula Daily Habits For Energy, Hormones, Inflammation, Longevity & More With Dr. Amy Shah The Hidden Elements of Happiness That No One Is Talking About With Gretchen Rubin The Liz Moody Podcast cover art by Zack. The Liz Moody Podcast music by Alex Ruimy. Formerly the Healthier Together Podcast.  This podcast and website represents the opinions of Liz Moody and her guests to the show. The content here should not be taken as medical advice. The content here is for information purposes only, and because each person is so unique, please consult your healthcare professional for any medical questions. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello, friends, and welcome back to the Liz Moody podcast. I'm your host, Liz Moody, and I'm a best-selling author and long-time journalist. This podcast is all about helping you live your healthiest, happiest life, whether we're learning how to identify and deal with narcissists, discussing what daily habits we can incorporate for more energy and less inflammation, or uncovering the hidden elements of happiness that nobody talks about. And yes, those are all real episodes, and they are linked in the show notes if you want to listen.

Today's episode is the start of a brand new series so exciting called Life Lessons, where I invite on amazing guests and then we get to dive into the specific lessons they've gathered from their life experiences that we can all take on and learn and grow from. And I am so excited to kick it off with none other than Monica Padman. Monica is an actor, producer, writer, and host of the mega popular podcast Armchair Expert, as well as multiple other shows under the armchair umbrella like Armchair Anonymous and Sinked. On Armchair Expert, Monica and Dax Shepherd interview experts, artists, guests from all walks of life to dive deep, get really vulnerable, and explore humanity in essence. She is so smart, so fun, so open and so honest.

And she spent the last number of years collecting life lessons from the world's greatest mind. So I thought that she would be the perfect person to kick off this series with. We get into how to know when to say no and when to say yes to opportunities, how to build deep family-like community with your friends. The secret to being less judgmental and more open to people with differing opinions from you. The best advice for learning how to be satisfied with your life, with your life exactly the way that it is, no changes necessary, what boundaries really are and how to set them for yourself. behind-the-scenes secrets of building one of the world's biggest podcasts and lessons learned

along the way, life lessons about the world of celebrity, and so much more. This episode is so much fun. It's like a really great chat with a friend who you just know will always have interesting thoughts and beautiful wisdom to share. We definitely want to know what is resonating. And I want to know if you like this new series format. So please share and tag us on Instagram. I am at Liz Moody and Monica is at Eise.

M.L. Padman. Okay, let's get right into some life lessons with Monica Padman. Monica, welcome to the podcast. Thanks. Thanks for having me. I'm so excited to have you here. As I was explaining before we started recording, we're going to do like a life lessons theme here. So I have prompts, I have questions, but take it wherever you want to take it. Okay. So we're going to start off with a big theme in your life seems to be saying yes to opportunities that present themselves and noticing when those opportunities present themselves. So I'm curious, how do you spot the opportunities and how do you know when to say yes to them? Gosh, I feel like a hypocrite when you say that because I feel like now I'm in my say no era. Okay. But you're right. You're right. I do think for a

huge part of my life, there was a lot of say yes to what's in front of you and then you can figure it out later kind of, which I do definitely believe in, especially when you're trying to get yourself up and going. I love the phrase, love the thing that loves you back, as opposed to resisting. You know, it's like, this thing is here right now for you. You might as well take it. And then you're not stuck in anything. So I love that in general. But once you say yes a lot, you then have a lot on your plate. And so now I'm in my like no when to say yes and no one to say no. So how do you know? What are the life lessons there? I guess, well, we can behind the curtain this, right? Can we? Yeah. So we were supposed to record earlier this week and I had to cancel last minute, which is so annoying. Like I hate doing that. I hate letting people down. I talked about this actually on one of our fact checks. I was like, it's so hard to let people down. But at this point, you have to decide what is possible for you and what is impossible. And sometimes it comes with a little bit of like people not being 100% happy with you and understanding that that's okay and that's part of life.

And you do have to prioritize yourself and whatever is prioritized in your life. Like you have to have that list, you know. It's just hard in practice to figure out what those things should be like, who should I let down? And I love the phrase let yourself down last. But in practice, that's also really hard. And you're like, well, am I being selfish? Am I not keeping my commitments? It's really hard to navigate when you're sitting there and you're like, should I cancel

on my friends for dinner tonight? Should I cancel on this interview? Whatever, you know? No, I know. And I think knowing that it's never going to feel good is helpful. Like, it's not going to happen. And then you're going to be like, I'm really glad I did that. It's still going to hurt a little bit and you're going to feel like, oh, no.

But we can't do everything. Yeah. And it's a hard lesson, I think, to love. I don't think I have the answer of exactly when to say no or exactly when to say yes. I think you just have to monitor your plate. I am good at knowing emotionally when I'm starting to get totally unregulated. And that often has to do with the amount of stuff on my plate or like chaos. And I can feel it in my body.

And so I have to tell myself, I need to pare back a tiny bit so I can manage this. Well, it's an interesting point about saying yes and saying no is that at any time you're saying yes or no, you're also saying yes or no to yourself. So if you're saying yes or no to somebody else, like at that moment, are you saying yes or no to yourself to yourself? So it sounds like you've still said yes, but you've been saying yes to yourself to yourself earlier in your career. It looked like saying yes to yourself later in your career looks like saying no to more things and being more discerning with your time. Yeah, I like that spin on it. Yes, that's right. Can you talk to me about some of those yeses earlier in your career and being able to spot those opportunities and knowing that that was a shift that you should make in those moments? So when I started working with Kristen and Dax, I was nannying for them. And I was just date night babysitting for them at first. And then they asked me to come on full time when they had their second. And I was. was like, I don't know. I had fully written off nannying. I had done it. And I loved all these

kids. I was nannying for so much. But I did feel like two hours was 400 hours when I was nannying. I was just like staring at the time just drip by. It was hard for me. I've never nannied. Do you like come up with activities? Yeah, you have to. Because you have to like entertain them the whole time, right? Yes, but you'd be shocked at how little time going to the library takes. It's like you wanted to take. I feel like all the parents out there are like I would not be shocked, in fact. Exactly, exactly. But yeah, I would stack up these activities to make the time go.

And it was hard for me. And then I started working at SoulCycle because I was like, big pivot. I can't do that anymore. And all these jobs were jobs specifically so that I could audition. And so then I started working at SoulCycle and then I just randomly started date night babysitting for them and then they asked me to come on full time. Already I had declared I wasn't doing that anymore and I was worried that I wouldn't have time to audition. But I just had like a gut feeling about them. I loved Lincoln who was already

there at the time and I was like, we're going to try it. And like if it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out. And I did make sure to tell them like I need to audition and make sure that's okay? And they said, of course. So that was a time I said yes when I was struggling a little bit. Yeah. And thank God I did. It really ended up paying dividends, which was great. Was there a yes when armchair expert came about? Or? Yeah. That one's so organic. It really did kind of fall into our laps in the sense of we had no expectation and we really were just doing it for fun. So yes. And Dax had been on a couple podcasts before. He came and said, I really like doing that. That's so fun. They're long-form conversations. You can really deep dive. And he said, I think I might want to do one. And I said, so I guess this is yes. I was like, I can figure out how to do that. I can learn how to do that. And so I met with some people I knew who had podcasts. And we went from there. So in some ways, yes, I think this is adjacent to saying yes, but I think I do look for opportunity a lot. And I just take it. Like I say,

I can figure that out. Then I'd just go figure it out. Or when I was working for Kristen, she'd have to write like 10 of your favorite foods and why for this article. She had so many of those to do. And at one point I said, do you want me to do that? I can do that. I know what your 10 favorite foods are. And she was like, you'd do that. And I say, yeah. So I just sort of just take it on. And then if it's good, it sticks. Have you had to overcome any sense of imposter syndrome with I'm now a podcast producer. I'm now a really successful podcast host, all of these things. I'm writing Kristen's articles or interviews or things like that. How do you deal with that? I do have imposter syndrome for sure still in podcast producing or even that we're

sort of a staple in the podcast space. It still feels crazy. We did just start doing it randomly and it's grown so much. We've grown so much, but also the space has grown so much. So, yeah, it always feels a little like, ah, we just sort of tripped into it and now we're being asked questions about it. But I don't think you tripped into it too. Like, even if the decision to do it was casual, you guys have something that's really special and that's what has made you so successful. Are you able to see that at this point?

Hear that, yeah. Yes. I do know that what we've made and what we've made and what we're. we do is, it's special to me, I'll say that. It still feels incredibly lucky every time we record. We say it so much, like, really, we say it multiple times a week when I guess leaves. We're like, this is our job. Like, that's so fun. And yes, there's so many in the space. I've been on multiple ones and I have other ones going on too. So I do know that what Dax and I built and the sort of the chemistry that happens in that space when we're in it is unique, and I'm grateful for that. I think that's lucky.

I mean, there are things I do think we do on purpose that help elevate the show and bring something extra. Like what? Like, what's your secret sauce? Well, I think our ability to speak openly about pretty much everything, him and I do that, which really allows the guests to meet us there, we are sort of no holds bar. We say everything on there. Is there anything that would be off limits topic wise for you? The only thing for him that is sometimes off limits, of course. We talk about his family a ton, but he's a public person in his own right. And so is Kristen, obviously. So if it could be potentially a headline for her, we think twice about that. Yeah. Because it's not fair. She wasn't even involved.

Yeah. But that's kind of it. Like for the most part, other than that, we are talking about everything. And we sort of forget that people listen. You know, we're in this tiny space. And, you know, here today we're in this cool studio. But him and I still record in his garage attic. Yeah. It's very low-fi and low-key. And it feels that way. Now that we're talking about it, I think that's something we also bring. When people come in, a lot of people have said, oh, it feels so cozy in here. And now we have all this. like crazy stuff on the walls that we've just accumulated. There's a big oil painting of me as a little baby that Rob had made, just like silliness. And I think that helps. So there are things we definitely did and do, but you can't manufacture chemistry. I think that's luck. And we're aware of that. Has your relationship with Dax and Kristen changed as you've gone from being their nanny to being this really successful person in your own right? Yeah, to their credit, I mean, tons of credit to Dax, but mainly to Kristen's credit, because I started with her and then I abandoned her, basically. When that was not the intention, when we first started the podcast, I had no idea

where it would go. So I had every intention of just doing both. Because at that point, I was doing a lot with her. I was producing a lot of stuff for her, writing a bunch of stuff. We were partners in essence. But once it really started taking off and was much more time consuming than I anticipated, eventually I had to let that piece go. And she handled it super well. And that is not easy to do, especially when we're all friends and it's all intermingled. So I give her a ton of credit of she wanted me to thrive and not just be like her person, which is really special and nice. So yeah, we've gone through all kinds of iterations over the years, but they're my family, which is so lovely. Yeah, I was thinking about that when you've talked about like your dating journey and stuff.

Yeah. And I was wondering if it almost takes the pressure off of the dating that you have almost a communal environment. you don't live with them. No. But they are family. And it feels like you have a wider group of friends where that's true with too. Is that true? Yes.

We have this big pod. We call ourselves the pod. We started calling ourselves that over COVID. But yeah, there's a group of five families, basically. And we do spend so much time together. It is this like very amazing village that we've curated. So yes, in a way it can complicate. dating, complicate, I say, because I'm very fulfilled. I have a ton of social connection.

There's always someone there if I need someone or emotionally anything. Like, there are people. And I don't hesitate. Like, we are all texting each other all the time. If we need something, we've all been through a lot together. So in that way, yes, because I don't feel that I'm lacking. I was actually just talking to my therapist about this the other day. I was dating a little bit in December and then I'm not dating those people anymore. And so my therapist was like, is there anyone new, like on the dating front? And I just said, no. I'm not even really thinking about it.

And she was like, okay. She's like, well, of course, that's fine. But just remember on your birthday when you say, oh, God, it's like days like that, like my birthday or New Year's Eve or big days of. of reflection where I start to think, oh, but I need a partner in this life. And so she was reminding me of that. And then I said, I know I'm currently having a hard time knowing what's my real feeling on it. Is it the day of my birthday or is it today? Is it most days in my life? Or is it on those critical days? I don't know the answer. I do think we're more open societally

than ever, too, like, there are so many ways to have really deep intimate relationships and build these beautiful lives. It's not just this, like, one path of boy meets girl and has two kids and lives in a cute little home. And I do think that is beautiful. Have you read the book The Other Significant Others? No, I should. It's about all of the different types of really intimate, beautiful relationships that we form in our lives and, like, how we need to maybe broaden the narrative around what true love even looks like. Yeah. And I was just wondering the impact. Because it feels like you have like true love with Dax and Kristen when you talk about them. Yeah. And their kids, I love them so much. I'm building a house in the neighborhood. And it's this joke that the kids are going to live with me when the house is done. So yes, there's so much love there. There's so much love with the wider friend group. And yeah, I definitely feel that. And it makes it harder. It makes it much harder for me to force myself. to go on dates with people who I don't necessarily want to or it's harder to be uncomfortable,

which that's also on me. Like I'm trying to really push myself to do that more because I do think that's the only way to yield any results. And someone did say to me, and this has stuck, she's my age. She's also single. And she was saying the same thing. She said, yeah, my life's really full. have so much fun. I like not having to compromise every day. But I think about when I'm 60

and then will I feel like this or will I want someone next to me on the couch? And I heard that. I was like, oh, yeah. I'm never thinking about so far down the road I'm only thinking about now. What is your dating status at the moment? Single currently. I was dating a little bit in a couple months ago and it was fun. Like, it's fun. I don't enjoy it unless I really enjoy the person. I think that's fair. I think it's fair too, but some people just love the process. They do. They love it and they love meeting strangers and they love like, you know, a lot of people say, do you get a free dinner? You get a free drink. But your job is also kind of meeting strangers and talking to them for the length of a dinner. So I wonder if you're satisfied in that way. Yeah. I think that's,

Right. There's a lot of talking in my life. So to add it in, it needs to be like worth it. Were there any life lessons that you've learned by being so public about your dating journey or just over the course of your dating journey until now? The only real lesson in that space is, I mean, the internet is full of judgment. Don't get me wrong. But there's a lot of solidarity too. And I've talked about my whole journey. So many people reach out with. Me too, and I'm so glad you shared that because I'm the same and I thought it was weird. So there's a lot of that. So the life lesson for me is it's good to share. It makes people feel better. It also makes you feel better. Even if people are like, whoa, that's weird. Just saying stuff out loud that you've been like holding as a secret, it just like releases its power. Yeah, the lesson in that is do it.

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This has become a staple supplement for me. It is my top way to support how I want to look and feel as I age. Support yourselves and how you age with mitopure gummies from Timeline. Visit Timeline.com slash Liz and save up to 39% on your mitochondear gummies. That is timeline.com slash Liz. Can you give us some behind the scenes insight into the process of the show? Like, how are you picking the guess? How much prep are you doing? Are you in DAC sitting down beforehand and saying, like, oh, I want to make sure we hit on these topics? Yeah. So the prep is at this point, we have a booking email.

So people will send their pitches to that email or if they send them to me, I forward them there. Our assistant Emma, amazing, she puts them in a list and send them to Dax and I. And then we'll we go through and say yes, no, yes, no. And there are a million reasons why. And then she schedules them. And once they're on the schedule, Dax does all his research. He does research for the guests fully.

Every now and then I'll have my own questions and my own things I want to bring in. Like, I don't watch the movies. I don't read the books unless I already have. Like sometimes it just happens, but it's best for the show if I don't because it can get very esoteric if I'm also in. And if I'm not, I can see it from the audience's perspective. Like we did a Fargo week, which was super, super fun. And we had three guests that week.

And the first interview, I had not seen the show. And then the second two I had. And it was so much harder for me to edit those ones. I knew too much, you know? Because you need to assume the audience has not watched the show. Exactly. And often that's the case. We get things ahead of time. So I actively don't so I can play the part of the audience.

And that in general is what I like to do is be the audience and know this is confusing. Ask for clarity when there's confusion. Bring a different perspective. Obviously, Dax and I have very different perspectives in life. We're so different. So if I think like one thing's getting nailed on the head and they're not. needs to be another opinion on this. I'll throw that in. So yeah, I'm just like balancing that out. So when a guest is coming on, though, has Dax basically decided the direction the conversation is going to go?

For the most part, he has papers. He does all his research. Often the papers get thrown out or nothing gets looked at because we're just following the air of the conversation. But he normally has an idea of where he wants to take it or his overall thought of what he wants to say. about the person or learn about the person. Have you learned any life lessons that you really take with you over the course of producing the show? Less about like, here's how you do a podcast. But like, here's what I've learned about myself. Here's what I've learned about the world. Well, definitely what I've learned about myself is I have such a hard time giving out things

that I think I should be doing. And as far as the world, I have learned a ton just from the show and general, which is that most people have something positive to offer. Even when we have people on who I kind of like, why are we having this person on? Like, I don't care about this person at all. Or, you know, I've heard this person isn't great. They are. Like, everyone is a real person and we, for the most part, get to see a human side of them. And I always even think, people are lovely. Like people are lovely and complicated. We all are.

And it has definitely changed my worldview as far as judgment. I have far less of it. In fact, I feel like now I'm in a new space that I'm trying to dismantle a little bit where I'm like very judgmental of people who are very judgmental. And that's all the same thing. But they haven't gotten the opportunities that you've gotten to dismantle. dismantled their own judgment. Yeah. But right now it feels so extra toxic. And I find it very scary on the internet. We had a whole conversation about this on synced. But the whole Kate Middleton thing,

I could not believe. So I was offline for that. I went to this thing called Hoffman where they like take away your phone. They take away your computer, all of these things. So I went in and the whole internet was like, is she having an affair? Is he having an affair? Like treating it so gossiply. Is she dead? Yeah, all these things. And then I, get my phone back and the first thing I see is like Kate Middleton has cancer. I know. And I've done this whole like therapy week of like compassion and like seeing the good in people. And I was like, how gross that that was the last thing I saw and that she has cancer.

Like it made me so sad for humanity. Exactly. I was so struck by that, by the fun and the fervor that people placed on her. And for me the thing is like they said she's recovering from a surgery. Then to take that to like all these different conspiracy theories, she's a person. And I do think we forget that. And it's easy to forget it. The media makes us forget it.

Celebrity culture. It's very complex. And I understand why it happens, but it really scares me. How has your view of celebrity culture changed sitting down? First, you have really deep intimate relationships with hugely famous people. Second, you sit down with hugely famous people every single week. and hear their intimate stories, see them as real people. And then third, you've become a celebrity yourself.

So I'm curious how all of those things have impacted your view of how we see celebrity on a cultural level. Well, definitely for my friends who are celebrities and then the people who come in, I do feel very protective over them now in a way that I never would have before. They're my friends. Like they're my people, just like anyone who would be upset when someone. someone came after their friends. That's how I feel. I understand why they don't, but I wish people could see celebrities as if, what if that was your friend and everyone was doing this or attacking them or saying they're not relevant to anyone? Like, it hurts. It hurts you as a friend. So I definitely see celebrities so differently now, especially actors and musicians. Fame is a byproduct of the thing they do.

It's not what they do. And it's for most people something they have to overcome and deal with. It's not something they're excited about. They can't say that because that sounds like ungrateful or something, but I can say that. See, the reaction to them. It's not natural. That's interesting. What do you think about the argument, like they're getting paid so much and that's part of the job?

And if they wanted to be an actor or musician, they could be like playing in their local pubs. in Kansas or like on community theater. I understand like again, I understand the train of thinking. We all want to be as successful as maybe not we all, but a lot of us want to be as successful as we can doing the thing we like, right? Like that's what you're told as a kid. You can do anything. If you can love what you do for a job, you've hit the lottery. So I understand that argument. I think if you really ask most people, would you want to be successful at the thing that you enjoy doing? They'd say yes. Yeah.

Yeah, it's true. And I also think there's a lot of mind fucks, for lack of a better word, about even, like, I'm not as recognized as like Dax or Kristen would be. But I've had to deal with my own self-worth issues, the more that I'm lauded for things that people don't even know who I'd. am as a human being. And then I'm like, oh, that is chipping away my sense of having worth without those things. And I think that on a celebrity level, it's 20-fold, you know. Yeah, it's so complicated. Yeah, it really is. It's interesting. Okay. Back to the community thing. Life lessons about building a really strong community like that and having those friends that feel like family. Help us. I know. I want to. I want to. I have to say, I think that's like the gift of

my life for always. In college and a high school, I have a group of friends from that period of time. We're still all very close. We're spread out across the country, but we're still close. I've been blessed with the most deep, incredible friendships my whole life. I do think it started from probably not a very good place where I was desperate for friendships to validate me when I was young. So I think I learned from a very early age what people needed and wanted out of me. And then I've adjusted to be that, like be everyone's friend. Now I don't do that anymore, obviously. But I have had just the insane privilege of these crazy friendships in college as well.

It's just gone across the board. I think it's just luck. I don't think so. Even what you just said, it's been a theme of my life. I think that something doesn't happen consistently by a luck. I think something can happen one-off by a luck. Well, I suppose I prioritized it. Maybe that's the answer from an early age and then continued on. And I still do. Even now, if I haven't seen my girlfriends, like, we're all hanging out on Friday because I was like, I haven't seen them in a week and a half. We have to see each other. And it's easy, the older you get,

especially when people have families. It is so easy to go months and months and months and never see. your people. So it does require reach out, dealing with annoying schedules. Maybe it's not going to be as easy as it used to be, but it's still worth it. Putting in the time is the key. What about maintaining the friendships as they have families and you don't? You could be stubborn and say they aren't reaching out to me, so I'm not going to reach out to them, but that's only going to cost you, you know? I think knowing their lives are different than yours. And not that they're more important or anything like that. It's just kids, and maybe it's also because I am around so many. I have a lot of knowledge about what they require and take and give. But I know it's hard. I really do. And figuring out who's

going to watch the kid while we go get wine often is not worth it. And I get that. And I get that. So for me, thinking like, oh, well, I'll just go to them, make it easier. It doesn't feel like a sacrifice. It feels like everyone's doing their best here to make it work so that we're all together. And at this stage in life, maybe I'll go to you, but in another stage, it might be reversed. Do you have any current thoughts on whether or not you want kids? I know you froze your eggs. I did.

I froze them twice. I still don't know. And during the process, both times, there's so many fluctuations of, okay. Okay, I do want them. And then four days later, I don't think I want. You know, it's so up and down. So I still don't know. I don't know.

The reason I do is because I do know that it is a love. Do you have kids? No, I have cat. Okay, you have cat. And it is a love unlike any other love. Yes. It's a love. I do know unlike any other love that I do feel.

would be something I would miss in this life, right? It's special and it's unique and you can't get it any other way. So in that way, I do, but practically, there are a lot. There are a lot. And there's a lot of times I leave a party and feel grateful that I'm leaving a party by myself. Yeah. And that sounds bad, I think, maybe. But it's the. truth. And sometimes leave a party and I think I'm so sad I don't have that. It goes both ways. Yeah. I feel like you're really good at accepting what is in your life. You don't feel like you have a sense of longing for a life that isn't yours in a way that I think a lot of people do. That's a nice compliment. I think that's right. Someone did give me really good advice when I

was first moving to L.A. And I, you know, had no money. I moved out with my friend. Anthony, we went to college together. So I already had this buddy. I was here to act. It was such a grind and it's so demoralizing. It's a lot. And it can become all consuming every day. Like, I still don't have this. I still don't have this. I still don't have this. And someone told me to make sure to fill out the rest of my life. At the end of the day, that piece is still work. Like, that's the work zone. Even though it's your passion and you love it and it's still a small party. your life and you need to make sure to fill out the rest, like your friendships and fun. So I did that, I think. And so from very early on, when I look back, it makes me smile so big, all of the periods leading up to this. And I think it does have to do with who I surrounded myself with at the time. It can make or break your life, who's around you and what you're doing. We were joking earlier about getting a massage. And I was like, I'm busy, but I make time for that. Like you make time for the

things, not a massage necessarily, but four things that fill you up. Yeah, you have to. Even if you have four dollars, like go to the park and bring a book and like bring a friend. Well, and it's so important because it means then you're not waiting for something to happen in your life for your life to begin or your life to feel satisfying. You seem like you have always found a way to be like, this is my life right now. I'm going to make it as satisfying as it can possibly be. Yes. And that's really cool. Thank you. Life lessons from therapy. Oh, my God. What are some that have really stuck with you and, like, change the way you approach each day?

The one that pops up is my therapist redefined boundaries for me because I used to think it was, like, you can't treat me that way. You know, like, you can't do that. I won't let you do that. You can't do that to me. And she said, boundaries aren't. You can't do that. It's I won't. do that. So it's not you can't talk to me that way. It's I won't be spoken to like that. I'm going to

leave. And not like, you better leave. You can't make anyone do anything. So it totally reframed that, oh, it's on me. Like everything's on you because you just can't assume anyone's going to make any changes and they won't. Like, you have to take that on yourself. And it's much harder, right? It's harder to say I'm uncomfortable, I'm leaving a situation, not you're making me uncomfortable, you need to stop. That's easy to do. Yeah. But leaving is harder.

But it is empowering the more you do it. Have you done it in practice? I have. We were just talking about this on sync. Liz was like, it's one of the things I admire about you is your ability to walk away. And I have practiced a lot of just walking away from a situation that I know is going to escalate or I know isn't good for me. I have two feet. I can leave the room. So that was pretty early on in my therapy and it like changed my life. But my therapist is a genius. I got so lucky with her

and she gives me nuggets like all the time. But that was a big one. What would you say your mental health struggles are at the moment? Well, it's kind of funny you bring that up because I'm keeping sort of an eye on my mental health currently. I'm on antidepressants. I've been on them. since 2020. I'd have major spells of anxiety with full panic attacks and like disassociation. But it's been pretty even for a long time. I have recently, like in the past couple weeks, been thinking, I need to keep a little bit of an eye on it. I feel like I might be dipping a teeny bit, not severely, but just like a little bit lower than my norm as far as just overwhelm, I think. But when I get so overwhelmed, I hit a point where I just then don't care about anything anymore.

And that's when it is problematic. What do you do? Exercise, huge. Taking stuff off my plate, huge. Recharging. Like, again, the saying no. Like, on Sunday I was supposed to go to an Easter thing. And it's all my friends.

Like, I wanted to do it. But I woke up and I thought, I can't go. I just need to be today. And knowing that's okay and you'll see them on Friday when you have wine or whatever, you'll figure it out. But recharging is like a new word to me. I've never really thought about that or really thought that that's something I needed, but I think I do.

So I think that helps. And talking about it helps. Therapy helps so much. And time. Like knowing things are temporary. And I can tell this isn't. like something I need to talk to my psychiatrist about. In which case, if that were the case, I would. I would make an appointment and we would probably adjust medication or something.

I have like zero problems with taking medication to help your mental state. In fact, it helped me so much. And I know so many people who it's helped. And I get kind of frustrated when people refuse. Yeah, yeah. Just try. Like, what is it going to hurt? If you have headaches, allergies, brain fog, skin irritation, or you've been dealing with hormone issues, you are especially going to want to listen to this ad. Every single thing that I just listed has been linked to chemicals and household cleaners. One study found that regular use of cleaning sprays was associated with a lung function decline comparable to smoking 10 to 20 cigarettes per day.

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slash Liz Moody for up to 25 free meals. It's interesting that you win on medication in 2020 when from the outside you're having this like meteoric rise to success. The podcast is doing so well. There's the pandemic. Is that what you would say was the thing? What sort of made you say right now? I want to do this. Well, two things. At the beginning of 2020, I had a seizure. And I got on seizure medication for that. And it is a side effect, but I don't think it actually was a side effect for me. I think I just was a bit depressed. And yeah, the pandemic, it happened. I got on antidepressants like a little bit into the pandemic. It wasn't like I'd been languishing around. Yeah. No. I mean, I think it's my chemistry. I think I maybe genetically can lean a

little bit anxious and that can lead to depression. So yeah, I think that's a misnomer, right? That like your life is in order and so you shouldn't have depression. Related. Related. It's like one thing's a full chemical imbalance. And the other thing has nothing to do. And sometimes even having your life in order can give you the space to realize you have something that's wrong. Yeah. I mean, a lot of people we have on this show, that's a big topic. Right. Like when you're at the top of the mountain, you should feel the best and no one does. Yeah. How has like being at the top of the mountain impact how you feel about yourself and your life and all that?

Like you're building a house. You're very financially successful now. How has that impacted you? I mean, I wouldn't say I'm at the top of the mountain. You're high up on the mountain. I'm happy with my place on the mountain, I will say. I'm very grateful for that. But yeah, just like anything, when you get.

acclimated to your surroundings, you get afraid of losing. There's this whole period of time where you're trying to achieve, achieve, achieve. And then you've done that. And then you move into, oh my gosh, I just can't lose any of this. And that's a new level of stress and fear of not like, I want that. It's I don't want to lose that. So it has its own stressors, you know, but it's also so lucky. I can't believe it. Like, I really can't believe it when I drive by my house. It's bizarre. Do you have any life lessons from building a house? Oh my gosh. I am not the person to ask about that. I've done a terrible job. It's just renovating it. And I'm pretty much keeping the bones, but I'm doing a ton to it, which is why it's taking so long. But also, there's a lot of reasons why it's taken so long. And

part of that's my fault, part of it's not. But yeah, I've been in this zone for quite a while. You know, it is also funny. I live in my apartment while that's happening. And sometimes I'm in the apartment and I panic about not being in that apartment anymore. And knowing I'm going to be in this nice house, which is, again, this huge luxury, literal dream come true when you move to L.A. That's like, you know, a big marker. It's very hard to do. But I anticipate the day I move in, And like people will be there. People will be helping. It'll be fun. And then everyone will leave. And I'll be alone in this house. And it's not going to feel very good. It will feel fine in a couple of days. I know that. But I'm picking out this stuff here and we're building it. And I've seen it being built

for so long and it's so exciting. And then when that's over and it's a different feeling. And then I think there's a little bit of like, now what? Yeah. Well, I think that life in so many ways is us distracting ourselves from just being. And then in any moments where you are just being, you feel antsy a little bit. Yeah. Or I feel antsy. Yeah. Especially you're an extremely hard worker and you've built a whole thing.

And that's like how your brain is trained to work. Yeah. Is to like work and be working at something and working for something. And when that stops, it can be like, oh, oh, oh. Have there been any life lessons? from the expert on expert guests that have stuck with you or changed the way that you actually like live your life on a daily or weekly or monthly basis. Those are my favorite episodes. We learned so much. Dax and I did use to say before we started the podcast when we were just

buddies debating that we wish we could just go back to school. And like that could be our job, but no test taking. So essentially that is what we've done. We brought all these professors to the attic. And there's so many. One like very very. very, very practical thing that is popping to mind is David Sedaris. We've had David Sedaris on a few times. And he said that when he writes, if he has a line that he likes too much, he cuts it. If he's too precious about it, he's like, no. That means like, I'm too in love with it. It's probably saccharin. It's got to go. And I really took that to heart because I do a lot of writing as well. And as a writer, do you write, when you've, like, written a sentence and you think,

like, oh, wow, that's, like, spectacular. I think no one's ever written a sentence like that. It's so ego-based, and it's probably not true, and we're shattered by it. So, yeah, it's got to go. So I've been implementing that, which I think has helped my writing a lot. Love that. Anything in the psychology or physical health or anything like that, you guys have just had such a range. So many. Anything from Vanessa? Oh, my God. I just loved Vanessa so much.

I mean, what thing? I'm having great sex now. Thank you, Vanessa. I mean, what most people said they took from it and I think is really interesting is like the way different people are aroused basically and that like some people need touch or foreplay first and then they get physically aroused. Whereas other people, they get aroused and then they want to. move forward. I just find that so interesting because we think we're all the same. And which are you? I think I could sort of fluctuate. Like there are definitely times where I just like am horny and it has nothing to do with like the person really. Yeah. But also, of course,

I'll be very honest. I've never had sex with anyone I've been in love with. I've never been in a long, long term relationship. So I don't know what it's like to have this like, intimacy first and then how that would impact sex. I've never had it. I've never experienced it. So all the sex I've had is just in relation to dating. That's different, right? That's interesting. I wonder also if when you're like thinking when you're 65 or whatever and the conversations with your therapist about, well, how much do I want this? That is an element you don't get in this communal lifestyle thing. The intimacy. The physical intimacy for sure. The physical intimacy. Yes. In a way that is different than like, oh, I met a guy and we slept together tonight.

Exactly. That's really true. Yeah. That's really true. Yeah. I guess like, yeah, that's really important for me to think about. But then I'm like in my 60s like, well, we even. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. You can have really hot sex like well through your life. I guess Vanessa was helping people. There was a show on HBO years ago that was like different people's sex lives and the hottest sex in it was the oldest people. Really? Yeah, it made me really excited. That's fun. Also, because, like, think about it when you're, like, retired and you're all the time

in the world. Yeah. That's really true. No stress. Yeah. I feel like it's a dream. Yeah, that's true. Anything else from, like, the mental or physical health perspective?

Gosh, we've learned so much. It's, like, all blurring together. But sort of what we were talking about earlier, like, the importance of friendships. We've had a bunch of people on who've said it. People who don't have friendships, it's equivalent to smoking this amount of cigarettes a day, like the loneliness. That is big. You know, we had Roberts Opulsky on.

He talked a lot about free will, which was really interesting to me and did make me look at things a bit differently. He is a book called Determined. And it's sort of a pitch for why we don't really have free will. On face value, I don't agree with that. I believe in free will. But when you hear his argument, which is basically like we don't pick anything. We don't pick where we're born. We don't pick who our parents are.

We don't pick the preschool we get put into. And then just the further and further and further back you go, like a baby in utero, if the mother has had trauma, the trauma gets past. And now what we're learning about the epigenome and all of these things, there's so much that we have no control over. And that is only important to know for two reasons. One, like, get off your high horse. You're not special or like you didn't earn this life. People who are just like, I did this myself. Like, no, you didn't.

Have some awareness of your privilege, really. And then also for punishment. He was saying it's not that people shouldn't be punished for bad behavior, but it's understanding the behavior and understanding why people. make the mistakes they make. It's not just because, like, they decided to be bad. There's a million reasons why. And we can maybe have, like, justice reform around how we look at some of this and not be so draconian about the way we think about, like, bad people and good people because it's just not real. I love that. Can you share a life lesson with everybody listening that I feel like you are so good at

for being more open to perspectives that differ from your own or people who feel really different from you. I think it's just opening yourself up to forcing us, like read a book on a topic you think you know everything about or you think you have a very strong opinion on and read the opposing opinion. You don't have to change your opinion. And I think that's also an issue, right? Like when we're in debates and stuff, the goal is to like convince the other. It's not going to happen. Like we're not convincing anyone of anything, really. But just allowing new information in is huge. And I just think it's because we've had so many different types of people on the show. I mean, this is, it's new. I do think I used to be, you know, maybe like 15 years ago, I would have

definitely been there are good people and there are bad people. Life is way more black and white than I think now. I think it's not black and white at all anymore. But it's because we've talked to so many people with so many stories. And I think being so close to an addict and there are other addicts in my life as well who I'm very close with, that has changed my perspective like crazy. Because again, I think 15 years ago I would have had an idea of what an addict was. And it would have been, you know, someone who just like sort of couldn't get their shit together. Yeah. Quite honestly. And now I know for certain that's not what it is. And in fact, like many of them have their shit together way more than me, right?

And because Dax is an addict, he does have a lot of compassion for people. And he definitely doesn't see the world as black and white. And that has rubbed off just being around him and hearing his perspective on things. We have a lot of addicts on the show. it is really helpful. And it gives a ton of gratitude, again, in the free will space. Like, you don't choose that. I feel like you're almost saying that so often judgment is a lack of information,

whether it's about a person's story, whether it's about a topic. And so the more you find yourself not being open to things, the more you should seek out information. Yeah. I think that's fair. And just hearing different people's stories and backgrounds, because, circling back to what we were saying at the beginning, everyone leaves our show and I think, oh, they're sweet or they're nice or this is so interesting about them. If you talk to people, even someone who you like really disagree with, okay, I will say maybe this is also learned.

I grew up in Georgia and I love my friends and their families so much. But a lot of them have much different opinions than me and different opinions than my family. Yeah. And I couldn't just write them off. They were in my life. I loved them. They loved me. And I believed that, right? Like, I believed that they care about me.

So then I can hear their opinion in a way that doesn't make me so defensive. So I do think, like, growing up in an environment where a lot of people had a different outlook than I did was helpful. Because I couldn't just be like, everyone's bad because they weren't. And then you would have nobody left in your life. I would literally have nobody. Yeah. It's like when people are very black and white, I often think of them as privileged. I'm like, oh, you've just never had to be in the position where you've had to compromise

or hear someone else out or engage with someone who you are on like 100% the same footing. And you're missing out. Yeah. Okay. We're going to do a quick speed round. Okay. Life lessons from being obsessed with Matt Damon and then getting to meet him in real life. interview him. Find your Matt Damon, you'll hug your Matt Damon in life. Like you will. Did he live up

to expectations? Oh my God, yeah. He's, he's so wonderful. He's such a good person. So it wasn't like a never meet your idol situation. It was like have your idol and someday maybe you'll get to meet them. Maybe you'll meet them. Okay. A life lesson each from Dax and Kristen. From Dax, sort of what I said already, but people are flawed and that's not a bad thing. It's a good thing. And Kristen, Kristen is very good at giving credit and acknowledging when people are doing well or helping her as a boss. She's so good at that. And it's huge. I think for anyone who's ever going to be boss, acknowledging the people underneath them and giving them credit where credit is due is game-changing for their performance.

Life lesson from your improv days. What's the worst that can happen? Like, honestly, we've bombed. You'll bomb. It's, you live. You still live. And you laugh about it after. So, like, as far as in any situation, if it goes horribly wrong, you'll wake up tomorrow.

And it'll be fine. Life lesson about identity, especially being a first generation American. And then you did your recent trip to India with Bill Gates. I did. Yeah. I think it's okay to take your time. But I do think it is worth exploration, like your identity. And why we all do things in life and we don't even know why we're doing them.

It's based in those roots. And it's so complicated. And I do think it's worth it to like really investigate your past and how it is affecting your present and your future. Okay. And then just end us on life lessons about knowing who your authentic self is and becoming and embracing that person. I think the lesson there is to not get too stuck in who you are or your story or your narrative. This thing changes nonstop. Like you're ever evolving. You're changing.

Like let that in. Allow yourself to evolve. I love that. Do you want to talk in your own words about any of your millions of shows or shout out anything particular? Yeah. We have five shows a week. We have armchair expert on Monday, flightless bird on Tuesday. Sinked.

That's with Liz Plank and I on Wednesday. Thursday are experts. And Friday we do Armchair Anonymous where we talk. to our listeners, which is so fun. Is there any that you feel like more people should be listening to than our right now? Like you're like, oh, this one's a little bit undiscovered. So listen to this one. They're all so different.

Yeah. You know, so Armchair Anonymous is super fun. I think it's more fun than if you haven't listened, like you wouldn't expect. But we give like a prompt every week. And then we talk to four people who tell their stories on that prompt. And it can be like, tell us about time you pooped your pants at the gym. Like, that's one. And then, you know, one is like, tell us about a time you betrayed someone.

You know, it's like it runs the game. Yeah. I betrayed myself when my poop came out. Well, yeah, yeah, all one thing. We did a really fun one the other day about delivery drivers. They wrote in and told their stories. And they were so bonkers. There's some really fun ones.

So that's a very, very fun show. Love it. Well, thank you so much, Monica. Thank you for having me. This was awesome. I am so glad that I got to sit down and talk with Monica. She was the absolute perfect first guest for our life lesson series. Let me know, first of all, if you like this series, but then second of all, any dream guest that you would love to see on it, I would love to hear.

Also, if anything resonated with you in this episode, if there's anything that you think a friend or family member or a coworker would find interesting, please send them a link to the episode. Sharing is the best way to support the podcast. It's how we can grow and get on incredible guests like Monica. All of that is 100% because of every single link that you've shared, every conversation that you've had about the podcast, and it is so, so appreciated. If someone tried a link to this episode with you and you are new to the podcast, welcome.

I'm so glad that you're here. If you are not following the podcast, all you have to do is go to the main podcast page on whatever platform you like to listen on. That's the one that lists all of the Liz Moody Podcasts. episodes and you'll see the word follow under the logo on Spotify. And then there's a little follow with a plus sign button on the top right of that same page on Apple Podcasts. There was also a recent Apple update that changed things up a little bit. So if you follow the podcast there, even if you've been following it forever, please go to that little button in the top right

of the page that lists all of the episodes of the show and click turn on automatic download so the pod keeps showing up in your feed. That way, you will not miss out on any new episodes. They'll appear right in your feed every single Wednesday and every other Monday. And you definitely do not want to miss out. We've got some great ones coming up, including an episode that will completely transform your notion of productivity, and another that will help solve any friendship problems and make sure we can all make and have the friends that we so, so deserve.

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It is so important. Because of all of this, if I were not going to invest in any other part of my house, no other things in my house, I would invest in my mattress. And in fact, I have four years well before I had much money to spend on any of these things because it is such a big needle mover. The birch mattress is incredible. It is made with organic cotton, natural latex, and ethically sourced wool. So it has literally no off-gassing.

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your breathing and your sleep quality without you even realizing it. And again, we need to, need to be able to breathe to get good sleep and getting good sleep is the foundation of our health. And then comfort-wise, Zach sleeps on his back and then I sleep on my side and my stomach. So we have two completely different sleep styles and we both wake up feeling really good, no aches and pains. CNN actually named the Birch mattress, the best mattress for side sleepers and Wired named it the best organic mattress period. So there you go. Birch has options for every kind of sleeper in your household. They have three firmness layers. I like the Lux Natural, which is the medium one.

And then parents, they even have a Birch Kids natural mattress. Birch ships right to your door. It sets up in minutes and it comes with 120 night risk-free trial. So if it is not for you, they will pick it up for free. You have nothing to lose here. I want all of you to enjoy a deep, restful night sleep with a new mattress from Birch. Go to birchliving.com slash Liz Moody for 20% off. That is birchliving.com slash Liz Moody.

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