The Liz Moody Podcast - New Research: Marriage Benefits Men More—But This One Change Can Fix It

Starting point is 00:00:00 I was at a talk recently with a very famous, very single woman in her 60s. And she was asked if she was interested in dating. And she said, why would I be? She said statistically the happiest people in the world are single women. She said, they live longer than married women. They're healthier. They earn more money. So I started to wonder, is this actually true?

Starting point is 00:00:21 What do the data say? Are single women actually happier than married women? Does marriage benefit men more than women? I have been running into a lot of women in my own life who are opting out of the dream of heterosexual marriage. I know women raising babies with their best friends or with their own moms because it feels more supportive. It feels easier than raising a baby with a man. Or as one of my friends said, it's easier to take care of one baby than two babies. I began to dive into the research and what I found shook me to my core, especially the last bit of research that I'm going to share,

Starting point is 00:00:56 which made everything else make so much sense. So all of that is what we're going to get into today. Welcome to the Liz Moody podcast, where we share science-back tools and tips to empower you to live your best life. But we do it in a way that's fun that makes space for emotions and vulnerabilities and the realities of our actual busy lives. I'm your host, Liz Moody, and I'm a longtime journalist and best-selling author. And because this is the Liz Moody podcast,

Starting point is 00:01:27 we're not just going to talk about what's going on in the world. We're not just going to explore trending topics. No, we are going to talk about action steps. We're going to talk about creating change that makes our lives better. So we are going to get into exactly what we can do about this dynamic as well. Once you understand the research, you can stop accidentally recreating unfair relationship dynamics and instead design a relationship that genuinely benefits both people equally because that is what we all deserve. If you have ever felt like you are doing more emotional work in your relationship,

Starting point is 00:01:59 more remembering, more planning, more checking in, you are likely not wrong. While this isn't happening in every single relationship, there is consistent research across pretty much all categories that shows that typically men are gaining more from marriage than women are. Married men live longer than unmarried men. Married men have lower rates of cardiovascular disease, alcohol abuse, and suicide. Married men are less likely to engage in risky behavior that can result in death like reckless driving or drug or alcohol abuse. Married men are more likely to go to the doctor than unmarried men. They eat healthier than unmarried men. And any wife out there who has ever made a doctor's appointment for her husband, who has ever insisted that they get their annual skin cancer

Starting point is 00:02:43 check or introduce a vegetable into their diet, knows that that is true. I am married to a raging feminist and I still am unsure if you would ever go to the doctor if I didn't personally insist upon it and often pick up the phone and, like, actually make the appointment for him. On the flip side, women do not experience these benefits in their marriages. Women's health is mostly unaffected by marriage. Women are already going to the doctor. They're already eating healthier and using substances less. And again, this is all about statistical averages.

Starting point is 00:03:13 Everything we're talking about today just comes from the data. I'm sure there are heterosexual partners out there where the man is the one driving the health changes in the relationships. He's the one making the doctor's appointments and cooking. really healthy dinners. But on average, the trend is very much that that role is taken on by the woman in the relationship. And if she is single, she is doing it for herself. And if she is married, she is doing it for herself and for her partner. Meaning she is getting the same benefits, but she is doing more work. Actually, that is basically the summary of most of the research out there. Across all parts of life, women are doing more work. I had Dr. Corinne Lowe, a Wharton economist on the

Starting point is 00:03:55 podcast. The episode is called New Science, why women are so exhausted and these surprising ways to feel better. I can link that episode for you in the show notes. She shared research that found that over the last 40 years, the amount of housework that men are doing has not moved, despite women making more money. A man who earns 20% of the household income does about the same amount of housework as a man who earns 80%. But the data show that when men are single, they're single, they do their housework themselves, they do their dishes, they clean, they are capable of doing these things. But we have these insidious ingrained gender roles that are crapping up, even in the most progressive relationships, even without us consciously realizing. I have so many

Starting point is 00:04:43 friends who are married to these incredibly feminist men, these men cheering them on as they rise at work, these men who want to see women in power, they want to see women succeed. And still, My friends will say that they are taking on more of the load at home, whether it's the actual load like cooking and cleaning, or the mental load like keeping track of schedules and doctor's appointments and which of the kid's friends has a birthday coming up. Having your brain constantly going creates a state of low-grade stress that impacts every other part of our lives. It creates inflammation. It creates health problems. It creates poor performance at work. it creates worse decision-making, a worse ability to problem-solve and to think clearly.

Starting point is 00:05:25 Meanwhile, again, men are over here having that stress taken off of them by women, and they're experiencing the benefits of that at work, at home, in their physical and mental health. I have one friend who's been going back and forth for years about whether or not she wants to have kids, and recently we were out at dinner, and we were weighing the pros and cons of having kids, which is a conversation that I often find myself having. and she sighed and she said, I wish I could just be a dad. I would 100% want to have kids if I could just be a dad. Typically, men also tend to both need and to get more emotional support from their partners

Starting point is 00:06:02 than women do. I promise we're going to get into how to fix all of these issues later. This is not a doom and gloom episode. But I also think it is so important to talk about this stuff because I know a lot of you listening feel like you're alone in your situation or you feel exhausted. Do you think that's just how life is or you feel like something is wrong with you or your relationship? And the answer over and over and over is no. This is systemic. This is what our society is structured to support. And having these conversations openly and honestly is a huge first step in fixing that.

Starting point is 00:06:40 So for the emotional support element, women tend to have girls. friends that they rely on for deeper conversations that they get vulnerable with. And while some men have that, it is not nearly enough. Men are far more likely to have their partner be their main source of emotional support. And if they lose that access, they are left without emotional support. Men also tend to make more money if they are married. Married men have 40% more household income than their unmarried peers. Men who have been stably married throughout their lives enter retirement with 10 times more household assets saved up than their divorced or never married male peers. There's a study of twins that found that men who are married earn about 26% more than their unmarried twin brother. Married men are perceived as more stable at this subconscious level, which results in more opportunities and promotions.

Starting point is 00:07:34 And they're benefiting from being on the winning side of all of that household labor skew that we tell. talked about. They're healthier, right? Because their partner is making them go to the doctor and eat well. They're less stressed. They're using their partner as emotional support. So they're reaping the benefits of not bottling up their emotions. All of this results in better performance at work. Women, meanwhile, do not experience a bump. But they do experience a huge decrease in wages if they have children, which does not happen to men. This is called the motherhood penalty. But wait, there's more. Corinsure data that found that simply being of childbearing age, even if you do not have children or even plan to have them,

Starting point is 00:08:16 negatively impacts the career prospects and the earning power of women because companies think of you as less reliable. This is called the fertility penalty. Companies essentially do not invest in women of childbearing ages out of fear that those women will get pregnant and be out of the workforce for months or years. So it is a price that all women are paying whether or not they are having kids, which is insane. I am going to be honest. When I dove in to all of this research, I was like, what the actual F? Like are rom-coms and Disney movies just designed to trick women into getting married so that men can experience all of these incredible benefits at the expense of their wife's health and their happiness and their time and their earning power? And then I came across one final bit of research that explained everything. For women, high-quality marriages actually improve mental health.

Starting point is 00:09:14 Research consistently shows that women in satisfying, supportive marriages report lower rates of depression and higher life satisfaction, whereas low-quality marriages increase depression and stress and autoimmune disease risk and emotional exhaustion. For men, though, all of those benefits that I just shared, those happen regardless of the quality of the marriage. They get the pay raises, they get the reduced stress, they get the mental and physical labor, even if the marriage does not feel satisfying and supportive. This was the unlock that actually made me want to do this episode. For men, any type of marriage acts as both a safety net and a spring.

Starting point is 00:10:00 Because of the gender norms that we have built into society in all of these insidious little ways, any marriage tends to help men live longer and live better. But for women, the positive benefits of marriage rely entirely on the quality of the marriage. A good marriage boosts health, while a bad one actively harms it both physiologically and psychologically. Research shows that 70% of divorces are initiated by women, and I think that you, that this is the reason for that. For men, just staying married is better than nothing. But for a woman, if she is not in a good marriage, she is paying the price for that. So what do we do about this? I think the first thing is just sitting with that finding. That famous woman that I mentioned at the

Starting point is 00:10:51 beginning of the episode, what she said is right. If you're in a bad marriage. If you are in a bad marriage, the research very clearly shows that it is better for your health and your time and your finances to not be married at all. So I think asking yourself, am I in it for the fairy tale? Is this a quality relationship? Society acts like being single is a placeholder until you find a partner, but more and more women are realizing that being single is hugely preferable to being in mediocre relationships, and the data clearly backs that up. So I think step one is, to sit with that question, what is the quality of this relationship? Who is benefiting? But we also love pragmatic action tips around here, and there are a lot that research shows directly combat the

Starting point is 00:11:41 issues that we discussed in this episode. One of the biggest changes that we can make comes back to an episode that I did with E. Vrodski, who is the author of the incredible book Fair Play. She has spent her career trying to combat gender inequality, and especially the unfair splits of mental loads, that extra labor that often falls to women of keeping track of tasks and making sure they're done, even if the male partner is the one who is actually doing the task. Picture if your partner went to the grocery store. Would they know if you were out of milk? Would they know what type of milk you normally stock in your house? Would they know what the plan is for breakfast and lunch and dinner throughout the week and be buying the right groceries to action that plan? Or would they

Starting point is 00:12:25 rely on you to make a list and then call you from the grocery store four times to ask where things are. While in the latter instance, you might be sharing the physical labor he's at the grocery store doing the shopping, you are still taking on the mental load, which is exhausting. In fact, research on cognitive load and burnout consistently shows that the mental tracking of tasks is more exhausting than the tasks themselves. So that help your partner is offering by saying they'll go do the errands, isn't actually helping with the deeper rooted thing that is actually making you tired. Eve shared a lot of advice for better dividing mental load in the episode, which I can link in the show notes. But her work and the research around this points back to the single strongest lever being full ownership of tasks.

Starting point is 00:13:13 This means sitting down, listing out every single task that you have in your household, agreeing on what that task looks like when it's done well, which prevents micromanagement down the line, and then dividing up every single task with each partner taking full ownership of their tasks. You are not helping each other. You are owning entire domains. It's not I'll help with the dishes or I'll help watch the kids. It's being 100% responsible for meals or tooth fairy visits or scheduling doctor's appointments from start to finish, including the planning, the execution, remembering everything,

Starting point is 00:13:51 follow through every single part of it. I'm genuinely confused how master class gets literally the absolute top people in every single field to teach every single one of their classes. I use it when I want to learn things directly, like the cooking class from Thomas Keller has all of the wisdom that you would normally have to go to culinary school for. But also, I'm being honest, this is like a use case I don't hear a lot of people talking about. I'll just watch it for entertainment when I want to do something that's far more interesting than scrolling. Christina Aguilera taught me to sing, Shan Boudrum's Art of Mastering, Comfort. and sex appeal class. It's 10 out of 10. There's menopause classes with leading doctors. There's script writing with Mindy Kaling. Literally, you name it, they're on masterclass and it is such a good

Starting point is 00:14:34 way to get off your phone, but have something that's like not quite as long or hard to get into as a TV show or a movie and that it just keeps you entertained and interested. And you are learning. There are over 200 classes from the world's best, all for just $10 a month when billed annually. and you get unlimited access to every class on the platform so you can learn at your own pace whenever you want on your phone, your computer, or even in audio mode like a podcast. If you're looking to stop scrolling and start consuming entertaining content that makes you feel excited and helps you learn, Masterclass is it. And the best part, every membership comes with a 30-day money-back guarantee so you can

Starting point is 00:15:13 start learning risk-free. Right now our listeners get an additional 15% off any annual membership at Masterclass.com slash Liz Moody. That's 15% off at Masterclass.com slash Liz Moody. Masterclass.com slash Liz Moody. I very rarely get genuinely excited about skincare, but this is one of the most innovative products that I have come across in years and I'm so obsessed with it and I've been telling all of my friends to get it, so now I need to tell you guys. Here's some science first. Your skin isn't just getting older. It's being actively broken down by something called senescent cells. These are cells that have stopped functioning but refuse to die. They sit there, releasing inflammatory signals, breaking down your

Starting point is 00:15:56 collagen, degrading your skin barrier, and accelerating every visible sign of aging. Scientists call them zombie cells, and as they accumulate, they are one of the primary drivers of how old your skin looks and feels. The team at one skin, a group of female longevity researchers and PhDs, spent five years testing over 900 peptides to figure out how to help reduce the accumulation of senescent cells. And they finally landed on it. OSO1, the first peptide scientifically studied to reduce skin's biological age at the molecular level. OSO1 goes in and it clears out the senescent cells so it helps skin function like healthier,

Starting point is 00:16:37 younger looking skin. It is not masking the signs of aging. It's not targeting one thing. It is actually rolling the clock back at a cellular level. I've been using the face moisturizer for almost six months now and I love it. so much. It feels amazing. It goes on really smoothly. It's not tacky at all. And I actually see a difference, which I just feel like is never the case with skincare. You want to always like see a real difference and you're kind of like, do, do I? And this I genuinely do. Because it's clearing the senescent

Starting point is 00:17:06 cells, it doesn't just target one thing. So my skin looks firmer. It looks glowier. The texture feels dramatically smoother. And I feel like you can see that too. I also love the body moisturizer. It dries down really quickly, which is always a pet peeve of mine with moisturizers. I hate that, like, sticky feeling when you go to put your clothes on. This does not do that. But it does moisturize really, really well. And then again, I'm reducing my skin's biological age. I am not making it just look younger.

Starting point is 00:17:34 I am making it actually younger. One skin has four peer-reviewed clinical studies in over 10,000 five-star reviews. The data backs everything up for a limited time, get 15% off with code Lillard. at one skin.co slash Liz. Again, that's 15% off at oneskin.com with code Liz. When you think about strength and resilience, like your ability to feel energized, to recover well, to stay strong as you get older, what do you think that actually comes from? Most people say working out are good nutrition, and yes, of course that matters.

Starting point is 00:18:11 But there is a biological foundation underneath all of that that most people are completely overlooking. I have been diving deep into this lately with the team at timeline and what I've learned has genuinely shifted how I think about my own health. Every single movement that your body makes, every step, every workout, every muscle contraction depends on energy produced at the cellular level. And at the center of that is your mitochondria. Here's the thing that nobody tells you, certainly nobody told me, starting around age 30, our mitochondria naturally become less efficient, more get damaged, more become sluggish, and over time that is, impacts your energy, your strength, your recovery, and your resilience.

Starting point is 00:18:51 Most of us respond by pushing more. We're like noticing these things and we're adding in more protein. We're trying to fix it with more supplements. We're trying to do harder workouts. And those things do help. But timelines research suggests that we also need to be supporting the cellular machinery underneath. And that is exactly what their supplement mitopure does. It contains Eurolithin A, which helps your body clear out damage mitochondria and support healthier ones so that your cells can produce energy more efficiently. Because this is happening to your cells, it's going to impact your entire body, your immune system, your muscles. One study found that taking mitochondria increased muscle strength by 12% in four months with no change in exercise routine,

Starting point is 00:19:33 it's going to impact your energy, your sleep, your skin, your cell health impacts all of this, and urolithin A keeps your cells healthy. Timeline has done over 15 years of research and testing on this one product, urolithin A, which, by the way, most of us lack the gut bacteria to synthesize naturally. That's why many of us need to supplement it to get the benefits. This has become a staple supplement for me. It is my top way to support how I want to look and feel as I age. Support your cells and how you age with mitopure gummies from Timeline.

Starting point is 00:20:03 Visit timeline.com slash Liz and save up to 39% on your mitopier gummies. timeline.com slash Liz. Another tip, this one comes from Corinne, is to track your time. Often we feel like there's an equal split or one partner feels like they're contributing equally, but their leisure time might take up a huge amount of time, golf, excuse me, or the other partner might be spending a ton of time on mental load activities that isn't necessarily being factored in. We live in a society that is structured far more to give men the time they need to replenish themselves. Traditional men's chores like mowing the lawn are away

Starting point is 00:20:46 from the family and often women are doing their chores while watching children and managing other household tasks. Tracking your time helps evidence these inequalities and seeing it on paper can be really, really helpful for opening up a conversation about it and you don't need to do this for like an incredibly long time. Just track your time for a week and have your partner track their time for a week and then sit down and discuss it. Next step. Career equity. does not just happen. We have set up a system that makes it very, very, very hard on women to prioritize their careers, especially during peak childbearing years, from the conscious or unconscious judgment that happens at work that we talked about to the insane cost of child care. Research shows that couples

Starting point is 00:21:30 who intentionally rotate career priority rather than defaulting one partner into a more permanent supportive mode, dramatically reduce wage gaps, burnout, and resentment. This means having a conversation once a year and actually asking each other, like out loud, whose career will be prioritized this season? What will that look like in terms of protecting uninterrupted work time, in terms of child care, in terms of emotional support? It's kind of like a pre-nup. It can feel weird to have the conversation. But if you don't have it, you have a pre-up anyway. It's just the one that the government made for you. This is the same. One person's career is likely being prioritized. It's just happening without intention and maybe even without consent.

Starting point is 00:22:14 Bringing the conversation from the background to the foreground can help change that. And then lastly, I want to talk about the emotional dynamic, the relational support dynamic. I want to be clear on this because one of the magical parts of a relationship is having that support from your partner. Zach is my absolute favorite person to process the world with. He has single-handedly help me with my anxiety more than anyone else on the planet. And I have other friends that I go to for advice and support, and that diversity has helped buoy me. It's helped me grow and evolve so, so much. And it can be hard to tell when emotional

Starting point is 00:22:52 intimacy crosses over into emotional dependent or overdependence. So a few signs that you can look for are, first and foremost, does it feel like it to you? Do you feel exhausted by taking on your partner's stresses and burdens? Do you feel like they heap it all? on you? Are you always the first or only person that they reach out to when something goes wrong? Do you feel like you're having the same conversation over and over again without any progress? Are they willing to do the work to create change or are they just using you as a way to offload their stress? If you are nodding along, that might be a sign that your partner needs other emotional outlets. There are two paths that you can go here. One is suggesting that they open up to their

Starting point is 00:23:39 friends and establish more vulnerability there. Men actually often have larger social groups than women, but they spend their socialization time doing activities like sports or drinking or other hobbies versus opening up emotionally. They're also far less likely to open up about struggles and shame because they've been socialized to be competitive, even with their closest friends, which can make vulnerability feel really, really threatening. Basically, they have friends, but they're not getting the emotional benefit of having friends. So you can encourage your partner to thwart that socialization by sharing what's really going on with their friends by creating the space to be truly open. Often it's met with a lot of relief from all sides. This can be hard though. It's hard to like

Starting point is 00:24:28 tell your partner to go do this. It can feel uncomfy. So the second option is to engage with more institutionalized forms for this. Like we can literally pay therapist to be a form of emotional support. There are also men's groups bringing up like wildfire around the country. I am so excited about this trend. So try Googling men's group and then whatever city you're in and see what you can find. Or your partner can start one. Or if you're a man listening, you can start one. Men's groups are so great because the clear intention is vulnerability. Like, that is why everybody is agreeing that they are getting together, which can help overcome that bias toward not talking about that stuff that male hangouts often have.

Starting point is 00:25:12 I am also a huge, huge fan of the once a week check-in. This is the best thing that my husband and I do for a relationship, and it takes five minutes. Zach and I have a standing date on Sunday night where we go over the next week's calendar, and then we ask each other three questions. These are all backed by a ton of research, and they create the space to connect, but also to support each other in an equal way, instead of one person having to do the emotional heavy lifting in a relationship. Question one.

Starting point is 00:25:41 What's one moment you appreciated me this past week? Two, was there any time that you felt hurt, even in a tiny way, by me in the past week? And then three, are you struggling with anything? And if so, what is the best way that I can support you with it? This takes literally five minutes, and it sets us up to get ahead of mental load issues for the next week because we're going over the calendar together, but it also creates the space for that mutual relational support and to nip resentments around inequities in the bud.

Starting point is 00:26:12 And then last, I would just really recommend creating some space to ask yourself, what does a good marriage look like to you? It's going to be different for all of us, but the research is clear. If you are a woman, you need to feel like your marriage is giving you what you need for it to be a net positive in your life. And for that to happen, you need to know what you need and you need to share what you need with your partner and give them the opportunity to give it to you. Our partners cannot read our minds. They were also raised in a society that promotes a bunch of really shitty norms.

Starting point is 00:26:50 The problem isn't having some of these issues in the first place. That is actually very, very expected. It's very common. The problem is if you voice your needs to your partner and they don't make an effort to. change things. At the end of the day, I do not want this episode to leave you feeling discouraged. I want it to leave you feeling clear and I want it to leave you feeling empowered. Because the takeaway is it that relationships are a trap or that marriage is a bad idea for all of us. The takeaway is that quality matters. A good relationship can be one of the

Starting point is 00:27:25 most supportive, most energizing, most life-expanding forces that we ever experience. But a low, quality one slowly drains us. And you are allowed to want more than good enough. You are allowed to want a partnership where the work is shared, where the care is mutual, where the emotional load is equally distributed. And both people are supported and encouraged and able to grow. And it's also so, so important to keep saying being single is not a failure. Research very clearly shows that it is actually a healthier, happier choice than staying in a relationship that does not support you. And being partnered should not be the goal unless the partnership truly makes your life better. You don't need to accept outdated scripts about what a relationship should look like.

Starting point is 00:28:18 You get to decide what you want your relationship to be. You get to define what actually works for you, what feels fair and nourishing and sustainable and good, just good. we want our relationships to feel good. You get to decide that in your real life. I hope this episode made you feel less alone. And I hope it made you feel empowered that there are so many paths to a great life and that you do not deserve to accept anything less than a great life. If you want more micro habits that can make relationships better in less than five minutes a day, I have an episode all about that that I can link in the show notes that I feel like would be really

Starting point is 00:28:59 helpful accompaniment to this episode. I also really highly recommend the episode with Corinne that I mentioned that's called New Science, Why Women Are So Exhausted, and the surprising ways to feel better. I'd also love to hear from you in the comments. Does this all resonate? Do you feel like your partnership benefits you and your partner equally, or does it feel more imbalanced? I would really love to know. If this episode sparks some food for thought, I would love it if you would share it with just one other person. Share it with your girlfriend or your mom and have a meaningful discussion about it. Listen to it with your partner and use it as a jumping off point for conversation. Sharing helps these topics become less taboo, which is my ultimate goal here. And it's also

Starting point is 00:29:43 the best way to support the show. The second best way to support the show is to follow it on Spotify, on Apple Podcasts, or on YouTube. It signals to the algorithms that people like what we're putting out there. And it makes sure that you live. get all of our new episodes right in your feed. Every single Monday we have short solos with tips and stories from me like this episode. And then Wednesdays are longer episodes where I sit down with one of the world's leading experts to dive deep into a subject. I know that 50% of you listening right now are not following because I can see the back end statistics. I can see that data. And it is the best way to both support the podcast and make sure that you never miss out on an

Starting point is 00:30:22 episode that could change your life. You can also find all of my favorite part. code from the skincare that I swear by to the creatine and the fish oil that I take every single day at lizmoody.com slash codes. Supporting our brand partners keeps our show completely free for you and it allows you to save money on products that I have vetted that I truly believe in. All right. I love you guys. I so appreciate getting to have these types of conversations with you and I will see you on the next episode of the Liz Moody podcast. Oh, just one more thing. It's the legal language. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. It is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, a psychotherapist, or any other

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The Liz Moody Podcast - New Research: Marriage Benefits Men More—But This One Change Can Fix It

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