The Liz Moody Podcast - Sitcom Friend Fall: Make Your Friendships Feel Like The Ones You See On TV

Starting point is 00:00:00 I had a close friend over the other day, and at the end of hanging out, we pulled out our phones, and we spent literally five minutes trying to figure out the next date that works for both of us to hang out. And we made a plan for. Hang on. Let me actually check. It's wild. For two months, two months in the future. Meanwhile, I'm watching my favorite TV shows like friends and new girl and adults and how I met your mother, where they are all casually hanging out with each other basically every day. I really wish that my friendships felt like that. But most of my friends, this is how it normally goes. We make a plan, we get together, we have a drink or dinner, we catch up on each other's lives,

Starting point is 00:00:37 and then we spend the last five minutes setting a date for another two months in the future. So, after seeing my friend, I asked myself, can real-life friendships be as good as the friendships portrayed on TV? I dove into the sitcoms, all of my favorite sitcoms and the science. And it turns out there's some very real steps that we can all take to reverse engineer sitcom friendships into our real adult lives, no matter where we live or how old we are. Welcome to the Liz Moody podcast where we believe that there is always something that you can do to create a life that feels amazing.

Starting point is 00:01:17 And we help you figure out how to find the lever to pull at any moment to actually do that. But first, you may be wondering, Liz, what is? a sitcom friendship. Well, think about the shows that I just mentioned. They're these tight friend groups that feel more like family than like friends. They're having adventures together. They're plotting hijinks together. They're living life together in a way that feels really different than the way that most of my friendships feel, if I'm being very honest, where we live life separately and then we hang out for brief catch-ups. Like, do you remember the game show episode of Friends where they're doing trivia of each other's lives, and that leads to Chandler and Joey taking over Rachel and Monica's

Starting point is 00:02:01 apartment. And that just unfolded one day. Nobody was like, oh, I think we should do a trivia night of our lives. And then I'll send out a partyful invitation and then we'll meet up in like three months to do it. Or I was just watching adults, which is one of my favorite new sitcoms. And the entire first episode is this whole friend group coming together to lie to the coworkers of one of the characters and convince them that this guy ran a marathon when he absolutely did not. And it just feels so fun. And like, this seems like so much more fun than just going out and getting a coffee or a matcha together. And on sitcom friendships, there is this deeper level of investment in each other's lives. They are each other's people. In Schitt's Creek, Stevie is about to star in Cabaret, but right

Starting point is 00:02:50 before opening night, she panics and she goes missing. And David finds her. and he gives her this very specific, very David-esque pep talk that was exactly what she needed to hear in that moment. Or Michael showing up for Pam's gallery show in the office. Or when Nick makes the birthday video for Jess and New Girl, that makes her feel so seen. Sitcom friends care about knowing each other and making each other feel so loved. I also want to say this very, very clearly. longing for sitcom friendships is not trivial and it is not silly. We need this. We are in a loneliness epidemic.

Starting point is 00:03:30 There is research that shows that social isolation is as bad for our health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. And as somebody who used to do that, I would say that's pretty bad. We're also moving around more than we ever have historically so we don't live in the same place as many of our friends. I know I have friends in London. I have friends in New York. I have friends in L.A.

Starting point is 00:03:50 it makes it really hard to both keep those friendships, but also because we can keep in touch with people who do live far away, there's less impetus to make friends directly where we are. So it's a double whammy. And the number one thing that I hear from people is that they don't have a group of sitcom friends because they think something is wrong with them or something is wrong with the people around them. Basically, sitcom friends are a sparkly group of people and they've met and they form this incredible chemistry and either that chemistry is available to you or it is not. The more research that I read on friendship, the more I realize that is absolutely not true. I've been a journalist for

Starting point is 00:04:31 almost 20 years now. I have interviewed hundreds of experts. I have read thousands of studies about friendships specifically. And I have learned that friendships more than vibes are about conditions. Think about the great friends that you have in your life. They are probably from college when you were roommates with each other. They are probably from high school when the teacher sat you down next to each other. If they are from your adult life, my guess is most of them are from some sort of place

Starting point is 00:04:59 that you went to in a repeated way, like your work or a sports team or church. This tells us that there are actual things that we can do in our control to create more and better friendships. And I also just think it's really important to point out how much of friendship is not just about how cool you are as a person.

Starting point is 00:05:19 And to say it very explicitly, because a lot of us feel like, oh, if I don't have friends or if I don't have the friend group that I want, something is wrong with me. Nothing is wrong with you. The research shows that incredibly, extremely clearly. The way that you have structured your life and your days has not created the ideal environment for these types of friendships. That is what we are working with here. Nothing is wrong with you.

Starting point is 00:05:45 Truly, anybody can have a sitcom friend, so let's go through the three components of sitcom friendships and then the five highly specific easy-to-action things that you can do to get sitcom friendships in your actual life. The first major thing that sitcom friends have on pretty much every single sitcom that you can think of is, you guessed it, proximity. On friends, they live together and they live across the hall from each other. On New Girl, they live together. On adults, they live together. They also often have a third place like Central Perk or the coffee shop in Sex and the City where they gather regularly. Proximity is one of the strongest predictors of friendship. There's one study out of Dartmouth that found that in college how close your dorms were to each other predicted friendship more strongly than sharing interests or a common background.

Starting point is 00:06:33 There's something called the mere exposure effect, which shows that the more that we are exposed to something, the more that we like it. This is how things like fashion trends often feel really weird at first. But then you see a lot of people wearing something and it becomes more familiar and then you like it more. That is literally what happens in our brains with other people. The more that we see somebody's face, even if our brain does not consciously recognize it, the more that we end up liking that person. There's also research that shows that it takes 50 hours to turn somebody into an acquaintance, 100 hours to turn somebody into a friend and 200 hours to turn somebody into a close friend.

Starting point is 00:07:14 That is a lot of hours. Living together is obviously a phenomenal way to quickly accumulate those hours. Working together, another phenomenal way to accumulate those hours more quickly. If we think about friendship as hugely related to time spent, proximity is going to make it much, much easier to accumulate that time. Do not worry. I am not going to tell you that you have to move in with your friends. There are some other ways that we can hack this that we will get into later on in the episode. Thing number two that sitcom friendships have in common is they are living life together versus living life separately and then reporting back on that life when they get together. Some of that comes from literally living together. They're cooking together.

Starting point is 00:07:57 They're doing laundry together. And a lot of that comes from the fact that it would be boring to watch people just sit across from each other at a table and talk about what's happened in each of their lives since they last saw each other. But guess what? In the same way that that's boring to watch on a screen, that is boring to live day after day, week after week, year after year. If you really pay attention to these shows, you'll notice the characters only ever operate at two extremes. Either they are doing truly nothing together. They are just existing on the same couch. They are deeply comfortable. They have zero pressure to entertain each other. Or they are actively doing something. They're going on a wild adventure. They're pulling off a scheme.

Starting point is 00:08:44 They're creating a new core memory together. There is no in between. They completely skip that forced, structured, let's get a drink and give our status updates phase that makes up 90% of our adult friendships in real life. This is how I, I am thinking about creating sitcom friendships in my life, doing truly nothing together or doing truly something together and skipping the in between, which is where most of us are spending far too much time right now. I have some easy hacks there too, which I will share later on in the episode. The third thing that sitcom friendships have in common, and this one is extremely overlooked, is shared micropulture. There are the injokes, the hijinks, the vocabulary. There's a

Starting point is 00:09:30 psychological phenomenon of our brain's interest in grouping things into in groups and outgroups, a group that I am part of and a group that I am different from. And this shows up in a lot of pretty negative ways in the polarization of the United States of America, the country that I am currently living in. But our brains want to do it all of the time. Once you have that glass shattering moment around in groups and out groups, you're going to notice them everywhere. And they don't need to be extreme or even particularly values driven. Some of the most formative research around this assigned people to the most random groups like blue group and yellow group.

Starting point is 00:10:08 And people were more likely to want to inflict pain on the out group and they felt more connected to the in group even when it was based on absolutely nothing. So in New Girl, they have this game called True American that they play together. It's a drinking game. It has a lot of crazy. rules, but they all speak that language that cement them as part of an in-group together. Drinking Cosmos and Sex in the City, it is a tiny, tiny thing, but that is in-group culture. On how I met your mother, they had this recurring joke where if somebody said, for instance,

Starting point is 00:10:45 we're going to get in major trouble for this, the characters would salute and they would say major trouble, and that type of thing, that creates in-group dynamics. Okay, so I was looking at all of this research, and this, is the action plan that I have come up with for us to have a sitcom friend fall because we all deserve to have sitcom friendships in our lives. I feel like if we follow these steps, we can get there. So I hope that you will join me in one or all of these little tiny experiments. Personally, I love to have a project that I am working towards this time of the year. And I think a sitcom friend fall is going to make our lives so much better. I do think if you're looking for an overall

Starting point is 00:11:23 through line here, that this balance between enough rich. and routine that we're being exposed to people regularly, and then enough novelty to create new memories, to create adventure, to create hijinks. That is like the fundamental basis that we're looking for to create some sitcom friendships in our lives. There are five things on the list, five things that we can all do to get the elements of sitcom friendships in our lives without having to move to New York City and live in apartments across the hall from each other as absolutely magical as that sounds and would be. The first is creating, a third place and a ritualized plan around that third place. The idea here is to eliminate that

Starting point is 00:12:03 barrier to entry of having to schedule something and get it on the calendar and then you don't end up seeing your friends for months, having one day and one place that you're always going to, say, be co-working. And then you tell your friends, hey, I'm going to be co-working here. I would love if you ever want to co-work from 10 to 3 on Tuesday, I'm going to be at this coffee shop. The goal is to just build up those hours. Remember, we need 50. 50 hours to become acquaintances, 100 hours to become friends, and 200 hours to become close friends. And we want to build up those hours without needing to make a plan for every single one of them. For me, I already have a standing gym date with one of my girlfriends, and it is one of my

Starting point is 00:12:43 favorite things that I do. We get our workout in. We talk between sets. We do it every single Wednesday, and I absolutely love it. And I can already hear you saying, every Wednesday, what if you're out of town? What if you're busy? What if? What if? And obviously, sometimes shit happens. But the goal is as much as possible that every Wednesday we are going to the gym so that we build up the hours without having to think about it. I saw one social media post where they were meeting up at a diner to share breakfast

Starting point is 00:13:15 before work once a week. And look, I know, I know that schedules can be difficult sometimes. But I'm going to hold your hand when I say this. I also think that our lives are created by the priorities that we live into. We can sit here forever and say, I am so lonely, I am so lonely, and we will stay lonely until we start to prioritize being less lonely, even if it is a little bit uncomfortable to do that, even if we have to wake up a little bit earlier, even if we have to do something when we are so not in the mood to do that thing, even if we have to drive to a diner that our friends can all meet at, it's not our favorite diner, It's not convenient for us.

Starting point is 00:13:57 We need to live our priorities. Yes, it is scary talking to somebody at Pilates. Yes, it is hard to fit everything in. Yes, we are exhausted and we are busy. But we have got to figure out how to push through that discomfort if we want to reap the rewards that we are all sitting around and saying are important to us. So I already have my weekly workout date. And then I think my commitment for sitcom friend fall is I'm going to try to add in one co-working day

Starting point is 00:14:30 where I have an open door policy and I'm just like if anybody wants to co-work, you are welcome. I think like Monday would be a fun time to do it to kick off the week with like friends in a good mood. From 10 to 3 open door policy, come over. I'll give you poppy and meal prep and cat cuddles. So that will be my sitcom friend fall commitment. I am so excited to share the main reason I think my skin looks better than ever at 40. I have stopped getting Botox. I barely use any products, but this one has changed the game.

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Starting point is 00:16:42 Research actually shows that you hydrate better when you sip throughout the day instead of chugging all at once. an element makes that so much easier because plain water is honestly so boring and I just will not drink enough of it otherwise. I even use a glass straw because research also shows that you will drink more water if you drink it through a straw. Right now I'm obsessed with the lemonade salt flavor. It's my favorite hands down. Zach and I fight over who gets the last packets that we have left. Although I also love watermelon, but like lemonade, oh, it's so good. I also love muddling a few raspberries in a glass and then I'll add the lemonade element and then I'll sip it all afternoon or I'll use it as like a fun little moktail.

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Starting point is 00:17:56 depends on energy produced at the cellular level. And at the center of that is your mitochondria. Here is the thing that nobody tells you, certainly nobody told me, starting around age 30, our mitochondria naturally become less efficient. More get damaged, more become sluggish, and over time that impacts your energy, your strength, your recovery, and your resilience. Most of us respond by pushing more. We're like noticing these things and we're adding in more protein. We're trying to fix it with more supplements. We're trying to do harder workouts.

Starting point is 00:18:27 And those things do help. But timelines research suggests that we also need to be supporting the cellular machinery underneath. And that is exactly what their supplement, mitochondria, does. It contains urolithin A, which helps your body clear out damage mitochondria and support healthier ones so that your cells can produce energy more efficiently. Because this is happening to your cells, it's going to impact your entire body, your immune system, your muscles, it's going to impact your energy, your sleep, your skin, your cell health

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Starting point is 00:19:26 I call this face-down phone theory, but it is not really a theory. It is a simple science-back truth, which is that if our phone is visible, while we are trying to connect with somebody else, it is harder for us to connect with that person. Even if the phone is face-down, if we cannot see the screen, there's a little sticky bit of our attention that is stuck to that

Starting point is 00:19:49 phone. And because our attention is stuck to that phone, we will have less fun with the people that we're with and will be able to pay attention to what they are saying to connecting with them less. You will notice that if you're watching your favorite sitcoms, they're not all sitting there scrolling on their phone. How boring would that be to watch? Their phones are out of sight. It is so critical for connecting with other people and for having fun. And yet every single time that I am hanging out with a friend, our phones are out on the table, almost like literally every time I can think of recently, phones are out on the table. Or, and this is driving me nuts and I feel like it's happening more and more recently, the person that I'm with will pick up their phone. I think it's

Starting point is 00:20:34 just like a habit. They'll pick up their phone mid-conversation and scroll a little bit, which makes me feel like I'm incredibly boring and I'm kind of sitting there and then they're like, oh yeah, sorry. Or like, they're like, oh, yeah, interesting. And I'm like, are you listening? Are we having a conversation? So guys, let's commit to no phones visible within sight, not even face down when we are hanging out with our friends for sitcom friend fall. It is just too big of an effect and it's too easy of a thing to not do.

Starting point is 00:21:05 Like put it in your bag. Put it away. Put it in the other room. Third step to create sitcom friendships. I am committing to living life with friends instead of catching up with friends. Again, would you want to watch people just sit and talk and catch up on what's happened in their lives or would you want to watch them go have an adventure? Going and doing things with other people is the thing that creates possibilities for

Starting point is 00:21:30 adventure and it lowers the stakes so that these hangouts are much more regular and they're much more possible. If you are inviting somebody to the gym, if you're inviting somebody to the DMV, be with you. If you're inviting somebody to Trader Joe's with you, those are all things that you have to get done anyway. And there are tons of opportunities in our lives to create these types of hangout. So instead of being like, oh man, I'm busy until next August, you're like, oh, I actually do have to go to Trader Joe's this week. Why don't you tag along with me on sitcoms? They are living life together. So they're invested in each other's work, in each other's romantic lives, in each other's

Starting point is 00:22:10 other's families, they know who the other characters are in their friend's lives. That is what happens when you live life together. You end up meeting their mom. You end up helping them with their work project instead of hearing about it later way after it's finished. You are living their life with them. You're having all of these regular touchpoints, all of these opportunities for the things that are happening in the moment to come up, which is going to make you feel so much more connected. And it's going to feel so much more fun. Another note to living life together, allow for detours. Allow for detours while you're living life together. Lean into your more like silly, playful, childlike self. That is where the hijinks come in. The hijinks are like such a critical part of sitcom friendships. You're going to see

Starting point is 00:23:01 them come up in a few different areas here because they are what makes it feel fun. As the improv saying goes, yes and each other's suggestions. Somebody's like heard of a weird 1950s arcade. Great. Go check it out together. We can do that after we run our Trader Joe's errand. Somebody wants to try like a game they saw on TikTok. Amazing. Yes and. Yes and we will do that. We'll do that. And we'll make fun drinks to go with the night. And if you yes and your way into something that's really fun that becomes a core memory, that is a perfect intro to the fourth step, which is the one that I personally have done the least and the one that I am the most excited to work on, which is the microculture element that I talked about, the true American of it all.

Starting point is 00:23:45 Random adventures are a great way to stumble across shared microcultures. Like, we're the friend group that yes, and did a spelling bee because we saw a TikTok post, and now we do spelling bees every single month. But without just like having to stumble across a microculture, you can also use recurring micro rituals to create microcultures in friendships. A micro ritual, which is going to lead to microcultures, a micro ritual is, there's an equation for this, a standing plan with a memorable component.

Starting point is 00:24:19 A standing plan with a memorable component. So a standing plan might be a standing coffee date. If you are doing that, amazing. Cheers, I'm applauding you. But if you want to create a microculture around that, maybe you add a component where each of you brings an article to that coffee, to that coffee date, and then you discuss that article together. Meeting up with a group of friends once a month for dinner is a standing plan. If we want to bring it to the potential of a microculture,

Starting point is 00:24:46 turn that dinner into a book club. All of the sudden, you're adding in this component where you're learning things that other people don't know about. You're creating in jokes. You're creating that in-group dynamic. I have a book club that I'm part of. And another thing we do to build microculture is we try to bring the books to life as much as possible. So we just read The Calamity Club and it takes place in Jackson, Mississippi. And my friend who hosted it, she made Southern food. And there's also this sort of speakeasy component of the book. So there was a sign on the door when you entered and you had to say a password for her to open the door for you. One time we read a book about the first woman to ever swim the English Channel and we all met up together and we went swimming in the bay.

Starting point is 00:25:28 And adding this component where we're doing something, we're bringing the book to life, that creates hijinks, that creates core memories. It creates that in-group bond. This fall, I am going to commit to looking for more ways to build microculture with my friends. I just started watching Dancing with the Stars with one friend. That's a great shared microculture. I have a friend that we're going to start to learn to play tennis together, which I think is a really great microculture, because all of a sudden we're watching the U.S. Open on TV. We're sending each other news about different tennis players. We're talking about the strokes that we're working on.

Starting point is 00:26:07 We're talking about the people that we met playing tennis. It creates that opportunity to build a shared language that leads to that sitcom friendship dynamic. And then, the last part of the plan, Thing Five, is allowing your friends to see you in your most authentic states. Again, I am not going to make you move in with people, but one of the advantages of living in close proximity to friends, like they do on pretty much every single sitcom, is that you're not dolled up and ready for a night on the town when you are seeing these people. You are hanging out and eating a bowl of cereal in your robe. Your house is messy because you're all up in each other's lives. They might see you when you're sad, when you're vulnerable, when you're annoyed,

Starting point is 00:26:54 when you are not your best self. That's just one of the things that comes with living in close proximity to other people. And if we're not all going to go live in a commune or get roommates, although if I'm being very honest, one of my biggest goals in life is to live in a commune someday because I do think that it would make all of these other things that we're talking about much easier. But I recognize how difficult that is to do as an adult human who has other needs

Starting point is 00:27:21 and other priorities. So I'm not going to say get roommates, live on a commune without doing that. One of the best ways to do that, of course, dependent on scheduling and time and money, caveat, caveat, caveat, but one of the best ways to do that is to go on vacation together. That's when you get to say like, oh, I didn't know that was your morning routine, or I did not know that you got grumpy as soon as the clock struck nine. That is going to create such intimacy in the relationship. Also, things going wrong is one of the core component of hijinks and going on vacation together gives so many opportunities for things to go

Starting point is 00:28:01 wrong. Things going awry is a key authentic state that leads to amazing memories. That is such a fun reframe unto itself when stuff goes wrong instead of being like, our flight was canceled, be like, we are stuck at the airport. What an opportunity for hijinks. This would be an entire episode of our sitcom. So a great way to lean into sitcom friend fall is. is to plan a little weekend trip or even a day trip with friends that you want to create sitcom friendships with. And don't try to optimize the trip. Everything is an adventure, even especially, especially, not even especially the sucky bit.

Starting point is 00:28:39 So I am going to try doing that for sure. I'm going to plan a little weekend getaway for sitcom friend fall. But even without going on vacation together, there are other opportunities to lean into that authenticity that comes with living together without having to live together. So like, don't clean your house before your friends come over. Crazy. Crazy. Don't clean your house before your friends come over. Let them see how you actually live. Don't get dolled up. Don't put on makeup. Don't do your hair. Let them see how you actually look. Here's a crazy one. Are you ready? Are you ready? Don't try to shift your emotional state so that you can be on and sparkly and bubbly for them.

Starting point is 00:29:21 show them how you actually feel. That is how you build real intimacy and it might feel scary and it might feel weird. But I promise it will not scare people away. It will not scare the right people away. And that is how you create a sitcom friendship level bond without actually having to move in with your friends or start a commune. Although that still is my plan. So if anybody wants to have a commune, let me know. Okay, that is the overall five-step plan that I will be following to make my friendships more like sitcom friendships. I would love for you to just pick literally one of these things and try to do it this week. You can be like, I'm going to hang out with my friend and have my phone totally out of sight. I'm going to ritualize one plan with a friend. I'm going to take a plan that I already have

Starting point is 00:30:06 and add that extra element to take it to the level of microculture. I'm going to go on a weekend trip with a friend. I'm going to yes and some hijinks. Just pick one thing, commit to it. and let's all try to have the sitcom friend fall that we deserve. I hope you'll join me on this journey. I'm very excited to create that dynamic and be less jealous of all these people that I see on my TV screen. I would love to hear from you how you're going to participate. Like what's the one thing that you're going to commit to for sitcom friend fall?

Starting point is 00:30:39 What is the first step that you're going to take to create your dream sitcom friendships? Also, I'm curious, who are your favorite sitcom friend groups? I think for me it is shrinking probably and friends. I feel like friends is just a classic. And then, of course, sex in the city. You know that I am obsessed with sex in the city. I love you guys. I am always here to unpack interesting science that helps us solve the real problems in our lives. Like, why don't my friendships feel like that? Let's dive into the science and create a plan and make our lives feel the way that we want them to feel. I appreciate you guys joining me on that journey. And I will see you on the next episode of the Liz Moody Oh, just one more thing. It's the legal language. This podcast is presented solely for educational

Starting point is 00:31:24 and entertainment purposes. It is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, a psychotherapist, or any other qualified professional. This episode is brought to you by IQ Bar, our exclusive snack sponsor. One of the easiest micro habits to change your diet is to stop giving yourself the unhealthy option, the option you don't want to reach for in the first place. So the key is to plan ahead, and I do that by keeping IQ bars in my car and in my bag, so no matter how busy the day gets, I already have a smart, healthy option ready to go. These were one of the bars that my personal RD recommended for me as I worked with her over the course of a year to lose 30 pounds in a healthy way, and I truly, truly love them.

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Starting point is 00:32:41 Right now, IQ Bar is offering our special podcast listeners 20% off all. all IQ bar products, including the ultimate sampler pack, plus free shipping. To get your 20% off, text Liz to 64,000. Text Liz to 6400, that's Liz to 64,000. Message and data rates may apply, see terms for details. Big news after me taking seeds DSO1 daily symbiotic for five years now, and you guys sending me literally thousands of DMs about how much you love it, Zach, my dear husband, finally decided to try it, and it turns out he is obsessed.

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Starting point is 00:33:46 If you have probiotics but no prebiotics, the probiotics do not have the food that they need to thrive and they just die off. So you're basically wasting your money. And the 24 strains that it has are clinically shown to reduce bloating, improve regularity, and alleviate gas. And there are strains in there for skin health or heart health, for immune health. We're getting more nutrients out of our food. Our gut microbiomes impact everything.

Starting point is 00:34:08 More than 2 million people have experienced the power of DSO1. And 92% of members have recommended it to a friend or family member. This is definitely a situation where if you have been curious, just try it. See if it makes a difference for you. If you're ready to experience a probiotic that actually works, go to cede.com slash Liz Moody and use code Liz Moody to get 25% off your first month. That is seed.com slash Liz Moody code Liz Moody.

The Liz Moody Podcast - Sitcom Friend Fall: Make Your Friendships Feel Like The Ones You See On TV

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