The Liz Moody Podcast - Sneaky Signs It's Time To Break Up (+ 4 Tips To Bring The Spark Back)

Starting point is 00:00:00 Maybe you've been in a rut for a while. Maybe you don't like each other's friends. Maybe if you see their socks on the floor one more time, you will literally go insane. But are there reasons to break up? Today we're getting into the science behind how to know when it's time to call it quits and when it's worth working through. Whether you're in a relationship and you want to make sure that you're not checking these boxes, or you want to arm yourself with red flags to look out for in the future, this episode will help you figure out exactly when to stay and when to go.

Starting point is 00:00:27 And I'm going to share some research-back secrets for turning red flags. red flags into green ones. Welcome to the Liz Moody podcast, where we share science-back tools and tips to empower you to live your best life, but we do it in a way that's fun, that makes space for emotions, vulnerability, and the realities of our actual lives. I'm your host, Liz Moody, and I'm a longtime journalist and best-selling author. We have already tackled my very unconventional take on how to know if somebody is your soulmate.

Starting point is 00:00:56 I can link that episode for you if you want to listen to it after this one. And today, we are diving into the opposite side of things. how to know when to call it quits. I want to preface this by saying that only you know the inside of your relationship and only you can obviously make the call of whether it is truly serving you. But there is some interesting science and some interesting advice from top relationship experts that I think is worth exploring and serves as good food for thought. I'm going to count them down from four and while they are all red flags, number one is the biggest.

Starting point is 00:01:28 If it is happening in your relationship, research shows that there is over a 90% chance that it won't work out. All right. Jumping in with number four, do they expand you or do they shrink you? A good relationship should add to your life and far, far too many people and especially women are in relationships that are limiting them. This can be in perspective. They're making you think smaller. It can be in opportunity. They discourage you from trying new things, from meeting new people, or pursuing your biggest dreams. It can be an identity. Instead of helping you become who you want to be,

Starting point is 00:02:03 they try to shrink you into the version that works best for them. Zach and I used to joke that one of the best, best parts of being in a relationship is that in a way you get to pack two lives into our one go-around on the planet. I get to see through his eyes. I get to process through his brain.

Starting point is 00:02:19 I get to add more life into my life. There is science behind this. It's something called the self-expansion model and it's from famed social psychologist Arthur and Elaine Aaron, self-expansion is what it sounds like. It's a widening of the lens of who we are, how we understand ourselves in the world, and our own abilities as we move through it. According to the errands, our close relationships are the primary way that we expand that sense of self. And then in a self-reinforcing cycle, that expansion of self actually leads to better relationships. People who expand their image of themselves are happier with their partners.

Starting point is 00:02:53 they're more dedicated to their relationships, they have better sex, and they are less likely to cheat. And one specific way that researchers have found that we can facilitate each other's self-expansion is what's called the Michelangelo phenomenon. One partner can sculpt the other partner's self by encouraging the skills and attributes that match the first partner's ideal self, while downplaying the parts that that person does not want to have. So picture it. Is your partner helping you become the version of yourself that you want to be. This is going to be different for all of us. For some of us, expansion might mean being more social, more successful, more out in the world.

Starting point is 00:03:32 For others, it might be being more calmer, more connected to a deep inner wisdom. It could be shaping you as a friend, a family member. If you are the sculpture, is your partner helping to chisel you into the masterpiece that you want to become? Or are they chipping off pieces that you wish were there and encouraging parts that you have been trying to get rid of for years? If it is the latter, that might be a sign that you should not be together. The errands found there was one key ingredient for creating the self-expansion effect in relationships. Novelty. Which, if you've been around here for a while, you know is the basis for what I call the novelty rule.

Starting point is 00:04:12 I have a whole episode about it that I can link. Our brains are wired to light up when we experience novelty. and when couples stop having novelty in their relationships, their brains stop associating the relationship with excitement and possibility. But when they do new things together, especially things that are a little bit challenging, it kickstarts that self-expansion, which helps individually and it helps the health of the whole relationship.

Starting point is 00:04:37 You start to see new sides of yourself and of your partner. If you feel like, shoot, I have this red flag, try doing something novel together. Take a day trip to somewhere that you haven't been, read an article and discuss it, listen to a podcast, hi, hello, and discuss it, learn a new skill together, participate in each other's self-expansion. And if they are not willing to do that, well, that is when the real red flag comes in. Okay, number three, does your partner regulate your nervous system or rile it up? Our partners should provide a safe place for us to land.

Starting point is 00:05:11 And while that might seem obvious, I want to zoom out and talk about a few things here. There's a TV show called The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, and it takes place in the 1950s. And in it, the main character, Midge, waits until her husband goes to sleep. And then she goes to the bathroom and she washes off all of her makeup. And then in the morning, she sets an alarm to wake up before him, and then she does her full face of makeup, and then she gets back in bed and pretends to wake up when he wakes up, but looking 100% done up and perfect. And obviously, this is an extreme example. But if you aren't comfortable letting your partner see your whole self, or if they say things about not accepting your whole self, that is a red flag. If you only want your partner to

Starting point is 00:05:55 see you in makeup or in cute outfits, if you feel like you have to put on a personality that you don't normally have, if you have to watch what you say because you're scared of their reaction, if you feel anxious or nauseous or like your heart rate jumps around your partner, those are signs that your partner isn't a safe place for you to land. Those are signs that your nervous system is on edge. Research clearly shows that healthy relationships literally help regulate our nervous systems. Safe partnerships, lower cortisol levels, they lower inflammation markers, they boost oxytocin. Not perfectly and not every second, but on average, your body should feel more grounded with your partner, not less. This does not mean that you can't be trying to grow and

Starting point is 00:06:41 and expand yourself like everything that we just talked about. It doesn't mean that you can't put on acute outfit or do your hair or even get plastic surgery or Botox. It means that your partner's love and affection should not be contingent on those things. Your partner should love you for exactly who you are while enabling you to become the person that you want to be. And if you don't feel like that's the case, if you feel more yourself when you're with other people, that might be a sign that this is not the right relationship.

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Starting point is 00:11:28 Ask your partner to just respond with warmth, but not any solutions and not any judgment. So something like, thank you for telling me. And then they can maybe just give you a hug or sit with you, whatever makes you feel safe. And you can 100% ask for this, like straightforwardly ask for this. One of the most frustrating things about relationships is that we're just expected to know how to do them when in fact they are incredibly complicated and nuanced. We expect to put in effort and time and energy to learn any other skill. Why would relationships be any different?

Starting point is 00:12:04 So you can say, hey, I'm going to do this. and when I do, I would love for you to respond in this way. And then just see how it goes. If it feels good, it'll set that foundation for safety. And if they are not down or even asking them feels unsafe, that might be a good sign that you are not a great match at this moment. Number two, can you talk to them about things that come up? I debated so many different red flags for this episode.

Starting point is 00:12:31 I don't know if you've seen bird theory online, but basically it's based on research from Dr. John and Julie Gottman, who are leading relationship scientists. I've had them on the podcast together to talk about how to fight better. I can link that episode for you in the show notes. It is such a good one. And they use birds to illustrate a concept called bidding. Here's the analogy. Let's say that you see a bird and you say to your partner, oh, that's a cool bird. Does your partner turn towards your bid and say, oh, wow, yeah, what do you like about it? Do they ignore your bid and keep doing whatever they're doing? Or do they turn away from the

Starting point is 00:13:06 and say something like, okay, who cares? And the idea is that couples who turn towards each other's bids are in much happier relationships. So I debated making one of these, do they turn towards your bids? The Gottman's also found that healthy relationships have about five positive interactions for every one negative one during conflict. So for every eye roll, there'd ideally be five,

Starting point is 00:13:27 tell me more about that, or putting your hand on each other's knees or even laughing. The Gottman's actually demonstrated what an ideal fight would look like in that episode that I mentioned. if you want to hear what that sounds like. And yes, if you don't have that five to one ratio or your partner doesn't turn towards your bids, that is not a great sign. But if it's something that you can talk about with them and if it's something that they are willing to put in work to change,

Starting point is 00:13:54 then it's not a sign that you guys should break up. So much of great relationships come down to communication. And yet I have so many friends who will be like, oh, Brad would never be willing to talk about that or my partner would shut down immediately if I brought that up. If you cannot communicate, you cannot repair. You cannot grow. You cannot get your needs met or even know what your partner's needs are so you can meet them. When you bring something up and they say you're too sensitive or you're making a big deal of nothing, that is chipping away at your relationship. So at number two, we have, if you try to communicate with your partner, are they open to it? Are they willing to have productive conversations about needs and issues that arise?

Starting point is 00:14:40 If not, that might be a sign that you should break up. The antidote that I would try here is to provide some structure for communication because it's not a skill that most of us have modeled or are taught in any way. So it makes sense that it can be tricky. I literally don't think I ever saw a healthy fight modeled when I was a kid. My dad and my stepmom would just blow up or they would stonewall each other and then we would never see the repair, which I think is really, really important for kids to see that repair. And then my mom had a number of different like boyfriends and husbands, none of whom communicated

Starting point is 00:15:12 in particularly healthy ways. I have often felt frustrated like I'm coming from behind in this whole world of relationships. And I've had to learn these skills very, very intentionally along the way. So to create that structure, I would suggest a 10-minute weekly check-in. This is a practice that a lot of couples therapists recommend, and it essentially just means sitting down together or going for a walk, which can be really nice, but touching base in some kind of way once a week and asking each other like a few very specific questions. How did you feel supported by me this week? What's one thing that you would have loved for me to have done differently this week? What's one small thing you'd like me to do next week for us to feel supported or connected?

Starting point is 00:15:58 And really try to meet each other in a safe way, try to hear each other, try to hear each other, to be on the side of your relationship instead of trying to be right or getting defensive. If you or your partner aren't really willing to dive into the deep stuff or they technically answer your questions but they don't really offer emotional vulnerability, that is concerning. If they can't communicate and they are not down to try couples therapy or try other tactics to work on communication, then that might be a sign that it's time to break up. And last but certainly not least, the number one sign that you should break up and the one that research found predicted divorce with 94% accuracy is exhibiting what the Gottman's called the

Starting point is 00:16:41 four horsemen of the apocalypse. The first horseman is criticism, which is when you attack somebody's character. So it's not I'm so frustrated that you didn't bring the snacks. It's you're so selfish. You're never thinking about our needs. You're always wrapped up in your own shit. And then there's defensiveness, which is when somebody says like, oh, wow, I can't do anything right or you're always setting me up to fail. And then there's stonewalling, which is when you just

Starting point is 00:17:05 shut down in conflict. And then the final horseman, the one that is the single biggest predictor that a couple will not last is contempt. This goes beyond criticism. This is mocking somebody. This is being sarcastic. This is making somebody feel like their needs are stupid. This is name calling. The goal of contempt is to make the other person feel small and feel worthless. If you've ever gone out with those couples and instead of sharing each other's wins, they're kind of like publicly shitting on each other. Like, Jessica wouldn't be caught dead near a dishwasher or Tommy wouldn't know what success looked like if it jumped in his face. That is contempt. And if you are noticing that in yourself or in your partner, that is a pretty big sign that your relationship is not in a good place.

Starting point is 00:17:55 The good news is that the Gottman's found an antidote to each of the four horsemen in their research. And the antidote to contempt is building a culture of appreciation and respect. And to make that as practical as possible, because that's what I like to do, I would suggest building in a ritual where every day you say one thing that you appreciate about each other. And I would really, really try to make these as specific as possible. So not just like, oh, you're a great mom or you're really nice. But I really appreciate how you talk to my sister on the phone. It reminded me what a caring person you are.

Starting point is 00:18:29 or seeing you work on our kids' math homework with them reminded me how patient you are. Knowing that you're going to have to do this once a day is going to flag it in your brain as something to look out for, which is going to make you and your partner much more likely to notice the great things that you're both already probably doing all day long. The goal is to really build those neural pathways of seeing the good in each other. And then the second piece, and this is key, is to catch contempt when it shows. up. The moment that you hear that snarky voice in your head or you feel that eye roll creeping in, just pause, take a breath. Ask yourself, what is the vulnerable emotion underneath this?

Starting point is 00:19:13 Am I feeling underappreciated? Am I feeling overwhelmed? Am I feeling insecure? Am I feeling tired? contempt is often armor for hurt. If you can name what's underneath and you can share that instead, it's a really good way to start to rebuild that connection. I also want to give a quick shout out to couples therapy, which can be immensely helpful for any of the red flags that we talked about today. Or even if you don't have these red flags, I'm in couples therapy. I love it. And again, it indicates a willingness, which is key.

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Starting point is 00:24:38 Nothing about this conversation means that you've failed. It doesn't mean that your relationship is doomed or broken or beyond repair. Relationships are so complicated. The mere presence of these red flags does not guarantee that you should not be together, but the absence of curiosity or respect or willingness to work on it does. So hopefully today sparked some awareness and gave you some tools that you can bring to the table. And if today helped you realize that you might be clinging to something that is no longer serving you, that's okay too. I am a firm believer that a relationship does not have to last forever to be

Starting point is 00:25:21 successful to matter. What an impossible standard that we do not hold anything else to. A relationship can serve us in one time and not another and that doesn't make it any less important or any less magical. And the one thing that I am 100% confident on is that you deserve a relationship that expands you, that regulates your nervous system, that welcomes your wholeness, that you can communicate in even when it's a mess. You deserve kindness and you deserve respect, and none of that is asking for too much, I promise. If you could do me a quick favor and send this episode to somebody that you think needs to hear it, somebody who might need a little friendly reminder of what they are worthy of, I would really appreciate it. It is the best way to support the podcast and a really great way to

Starting point is 00:26:10 support the people that you love. I would also love to hear if you agree or disagree with these red flags, so let me know in the comments. And also let me know if there's other ones that you look out for. If you are new here or even if you're not, take a quick second to hit that subscribe or follow button. We have new episodes on Spotify, Apple, and YouTube every Monday and Wednesday. Mondays are short solos with tips and stories from me like this episode. And then Wednesdays are longer episodes where I sit down with one of the world's leading experts to dive deep into a subject. I know for a fact, I can see the data on the back end, you guys. I know that 50% of you listening right now are not following,

Starting point is 00:26:50 and it is the best way to make sure that you never miss out on an episode that could change your life. You can find all of my favorite partner codes from skincare that I swear by to the creatine and the fish oil that I take every single day at Liz Moody.com slash codes. supporting our brand partners keeps our show completely free for you, and it allows you to save money on products that I have vetted and that I truly believe in. All right, I love you guys, and I will see you on the next episode of the Liz Moody podcast. Oh, just one more thing. It's the legal language. This podcast is presented solely for education.

The Liz Moody Podcast - Sneaky Signs It's Time To Break Up (+ 4 Tips To Bring The Spark Back)

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