The Liz Moody Podcast - The ONE Skill Every Calm, Successful Person Has (And You Can Learn It Today)

Starting point is 00:00:00 There's a huge secret to massively relieving stress and anxiety that nobody is talking about. In fact, I think it's the secret, like the root thing that if we all do, we're all going to feel so much better no matter what the world throws at us. This is something that top business people thrive at. This is something that people who do not get riled up by the news and all the unprecedented times that we're living in have figured out. It is becoming comfortable with uncertainty. This is the life skill to end all life skills.

Starting point is 00:00:30 Once you can do this, everything else becomes so much easier. You're going to have so much more energy because you're going to be less stressed. You're going to take more risks, which is going to result in far more success in your life. And you're going to be unflappable. So today, that is what I'm going to teach you. By the time you finish this episode, your brain will walk through uncertainty differently. You're going to notice it within the next 24 hours and it's going to change your entire life. Welcome to the Liz Moody podcast where we share science back tools.

Starting point is 00:01:03 and tips to empower you to live your best life, but we do in a way that's fun that makes space for emotions, for vulnerability, and the realities of our actual lives. I'm your host, Liz Moody, and I'm a longtime journalist and bestselling author. All right, let's jump right in. Discomfort with uncertainty shows up in a lot of sneaky ways in our life. It shows up as that tendency before you buy something to research every single option for hours because that minimizes the uncertainty around choosing the wrong thing. It shows up in dreading a we need to talk text. It also shows up, and this is really interesting,

Starting point is 00:01:38 in assuming negative scenarios. So like your friend doesn't respond for a few hours and your brain decides that they must be upset with you. Or you see a random calendar invite pop up and you immediately assume that it is bad news. But the truth is, we actually don't know what any of these things mean when these things happen to us.

Starting point is 00:01:58 And if you are predicting, the worst case scenario, it's because your brain would rather know what's next, even if it is awful, then admit that the future is unknown. This is all happening at an unconscious level. It is our brain trying to protect us, but in truth, it's keeping us stuck and in a perpetual state of stress. This is part of what researchers call the information gap effect. When there is a gap between what you know and what you want to know, your brain treats that gap like a threat. The not knowing is what spikes your anxiety. Your brain is afraid of the unknown much, much more than an actual scary thing.

Starting point is 00:02:39 And the crazy thing is our brain can literally handle certain threats more than uncertainty. I actually personally experienced this during the pandemic. Not to brag, but I have been afraid of a pandemic happening since I learned about the 1918 flu in high school history class. I remember distinctly when swine flu was a thing and being terrified that that would tip into a huge global catastrophe. I was living in New York when there were those few like Ebola cases. I actually took the same subway line as one guy who had Ebola. He took like the sea line and he went bowling. And I was the, I regularly took the sea line. And I was in a state of absolute panic. I remember in January of 2020 when news was just starting to,

Starting point is 00:03:23 to break about people getting sick, I was terrified. It was all that I could think about. I was obsessively tracking the virus, checking the news, and nobody else cared at this point. And then in March, when we officially locked down and the pandemic sort of officially began, I was shockingly, weirdly, calm. I remember being surprised by how calm I felt, given that this was a thing that I had been afraid of for decades that was actually coming to pass. That calm, though, is something that researchers see again and again. When a threat becomes certain, the amygdala in your brain gets a clear signal. It knows what it's dealing with, so it goes off of high alert. But when a threat is uncertain, the amygdala stays on. It's like looking around. It's trying to figure stuff

Starting point is 00:04:14 out because it's never getting an all clear message. That constant state of alertness, that is what exhausts us. I notice this a lot with people with anxiety. We spend our lives worrying about something catastrophic happening and we're in this heightened, stressed out state and we're feeling awful every single day. And then when or if something catastrophic does happen, we find that we are weirdly equipped to deal with it. It's often actually much less scary than what we have been playing out over and over and over in our heads. Just because of the way that our brains are naturally wired, we tend to overestimate the likelihood of a negative outcome

Starting point is 00:04:54 and underestimate our ability to cope with it. And if this were not annoying enough, our anxiety can compound on itself. Researchers have coined the term discomfort anxiety to refer specifically to unknown situations or outcome. So let's say you have a presentation to give it work, You have discomfort anxiety when you don't know how it's going to go because it's uncertain and our brains are wired to see that uncertainty as a threat. But then you have more anxiety because you are anxious about being anxious about your presentation.

Starting point is 00:05:29 This is unfortunately really, really common. We make ourselves more anxious and more uncomfortable as we are worrying about situations that make us uncomfortable, which means our fear of uncertainty can kick off this vicious cycle where we feel uncomfortable a lot of the time. A lot of us end up being completely paralyzed by uncertainty because we think that certainty is a precursor for action. We cannot act unless we're sure of the outcome or sure of the situation itself. But it's incredibly rare that a situation is actually certain.

Starting point is 00:06:04 So we end up researching and researching and never actually taking. the risk that lets us create our dream life. Maybe you don't know what the outcome will be of taking the job or of having a kid or moving to a new place. And that leads to lots of feelings of uncertainty, which can also lead to anxiety about the uncertainty and it all spirals. And then you end up feeling stuck and not taking actions and feeling shitty. So how do we stop this? How do we stop this cycle? how do we stop this relationship with uncertainty that is in all these little insidious ways making our lives worse? You know we love action steps around here. So let's get into some of my favorite ones for becoming somebody who is comfortable with uncertainty, who is going to be

Starting point is 00:06:52 unflappable in the face of whatever is happening in the world and in their lives. First, let's go back to the pandemic example. I thought my world would crumble if I ever had to deal with a pandemic. That was the narrative that I told myself over and over and over from the time that I was a teenager. But by and large, research supports that when we are actually faced with threats, we are so much more resilient than we think. We thrive when we think we will stall. Over and over when the odds feel impossible, we step up to the plate. Researchers actually have a tool that's called the intolerance of uncertainty scale, and they've found that people aren't afraid of bad outcomes. They are afraid of not knowing who they will be on the other side of whatever the outcome might be.

Starting point is 00:07:38 This is a really, really important distinction. And when you look back at what you have survived, you are making that future unknown you less blurry and less scary. So a really, really, really great action step here is to remind yourself of the times that you thought you would not make it through and you did. Maybe it was a job loss. Maybe it was a breakup. Maybe it was a global pandemic because we have all been through that now, which is crazy. Maybe it was dealing with bankruptcy. Literally, take a second, write down the things that you thought would break you and then really

Starting point is 00:08:15 do this. Take a second to reflect on the fact that you are still here. Make a list that is physical proof of your resilience. So the next time that you're spiraling, and the next time you're like, I don't know how this is going to work out, you can pull out this list and you can remind yourself that you are so much more powerful than you think and that all these times before when you had no idea how things were going to work out, they worked out okay. They worked out okay. Look at you. Look where you are now. And if you're listening in the car and you don't want to get out your notes app, just say one thing out

Starting point is 00:08:49 name one thing that you thought would break you that did not. Seriously, give your brain proof of who you already are. Another trick that I like to do is to force my brain to imagine other ways that things might go. I let my brain think of the worst case scenario, which is where it naturally likes to go. It's so very good at that. And then I asked myself, what if something more neutral happened? And then I literally play out a more neutral scenario. And then, I asked myself, what if something amazing happened? And I play out a best case scenario. The goal here is not to accurately predict the future.

Starting point is 00:09:29 It's to remind yourself that you actually have no idea what the future is. So the future that your brain is telling you is going to happen. That worst case scenario version is not actually accurate. It is maybe one option out of countless possibilities. Try this the next time that you find yourself scared. of uncertainty. Maybe you're nervous to ask your boss for a raise because your brain is only playing you that worst case scenario outcome because again, it is looking for that certainty, even if it is bad. We're going to keep coming back to that because it's such a huge unlock. Your brain is

Starting point is 00:10:05 looking for certainty, which is why it is more prone to believe the worst case scenario. Once I unlocked that, I developed much more of like a ha-ha, silly brain relationship with this whole process. such a critical unlock. So maybe your brain is telling you that your boss is going to laugh in your face or tell you that you don't deserve a raise. Okay, that's one scenario. What's a more neutral version? Maybe your boss says the company doesn't have the resources right now, but they appreciate you coming to them and you can check back in in a few months. Okay, now what's an ideal scenario? Your boss thanks you for your amazing contributions to the company and they give you a raise. And again, The goal isn't to convince yourself that any of these are more likely than the other ones.

Starting point is 00:10:55 You don't need to talk yourself into believing that you're going to get the raise. That is still your brain looking for certainty. You just need to override that tendency that your brain has to look for the certainty in a way that traps you by predicting the worst outcome. That is what keeps you stuck. You need to tell your brain, guess what? We actually don't know. And the way that we find out is by asking for the raise. Another phenomenal way to get more comfortable with uncertainty is to increase our skill sets and thus our confidence in managing a situation.

Starting point is 00:11:32 Researchers have defined comfort as being willing and feeling able to manage a situation. And discomfort arises when you feel like the demands of the situation outweigh your capabilities. This is basically the same definition for stress. We feel stressed when the thing causing you. our stress feels bigger than our ability to handle it. So stressors are not neutral. They are in relationship with our feeling of our ability to handle them. I feel super stressed when I'm home alone and Zach's out because I do not feel confident in my ability to handle a break in. Zach feels much more confident in his ability to handle something like that. So he feels much

Starting point is 00:12:13 less stressed. I don't feel stressed when I do a podcast because I've practiced it. I've built the skills and the proof points that I need to know that I can handle it. When I put Zach in front of a mic, however, which I love to do because I know that you guys love him, but he's way more stressed in this environment because he has not practiced that skill set. The more we build our skill sets, the more comfortable we become that we can handle whatever the world throws at us. And here's the key. I want you to combine building those skill sets with reframing the pain of growth of doing the learning. So maybe you're learning to run or you're learning to public speak or you're learning to code. All of these skill sets are going to be hard and they're going to

Starting point is 00:12:53 make you more able to deal with discomfort and thus uncertainty later because you're going to have that skill set later. So you want to say to yourself, this discomfort is my brain learning a new pattern. When you do that, you're going to both be building the skill set that's going to make you less uncomfy with uncertainty later, and you're using the learning process to build your tolerance for discomfort, which is going to up your ability to deal with uncertainty. Does that make sense? Anytime you're uncomfortable, you can say to yourself, this discomfort is my brain building a new pattern, and you can accept that feeling.

Starting point is 00:13:29 You can accept how difficult that is instead of pushing it away. That's going to up your tolerance for discomfort and for uncertainty down the line. And anytime you are learning a new skill set presents such a good opportunity to do this because it's hard. It's hard to learn new things. So the two steps here, we want to build our skill sets and we want to embrace how uncomfy it is to learn new things because both of those are going to help make us more comfortable with uncertainty. If you have headaches, allergies, brain fog, skin irritation, or you've been dealing with hormone issues, you are especially going to want to listen to this ad. Every single thing that I just listed

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Starting point is 00:16:15 Most people say working out or good nutrition, and yes, of course that matters. But there is a biological foundation underneath all of that that most people are completely overlooking. I have been diving deep into this lately with the team at Timit Timeline, and what I've learned has genuinely shifted how I think about my own health. Every single movement that your body makes, every step, every workout, every muscle contraction depends on energy produced at the cellular level. And at the center of that is your mitochondria.

Starting point is 00:16:44 Here's the thing that nobody tells you, certainly nobody told me, starting around age 30, our mitochondria naturally become less efficient. More get damaged, more become sluggish, and over time that impacts your energy, your strength, your recovery, and your resilience. Most of us respond by pushing more. We're like noticing these things and we're adding in more protein. We're trying to fix it with more supplements. We're trying to do harder workouts.

Starting point is 00:17:08 And those things do help. But timelines research suggests that we also need to be supporting the cellular machinery underneath. And that is exactly what their supplement, Mitopure, does. It contains Erolithin A, which helps your body clear out damage mitochondria and support healthier ones so that your cells can produce energy more efficiently. Because this is happening to your cells, it's going to impact your entire body, your immune system, your muscles. One study found that taking mitochondria increased muscle strength by 12% in four months with no change in exercise routine,

Starting point is 00:17:41 it's going to impact your energy, your sleep, your skin, your cell health impacts all of this, and urolithin A keeps your cells healthy. Timeline has done over 15 years of research and testing on this one product, urolithin A, which, by the way, most of us lack the gut bacteria to synthesize nymphs, naturally, that's why many of us need to supplement it to get the benefits. This has become a staple supplement for me. It is my top way to support how I want to look and feel as I age. Support yourselves and how you age with mitopure gummies from Timeline.

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Starting point is 00:20:52 uncertain situations that are outside of our skill sets or outside of the things that are within our control, things like what's happening in our government or financial situations or familial conflict or health challenges. Even if you do not know which steps to take to resolve the uncertainty, research shows that doing something will help you feel better. I have said it before and I will say it again. Action is the antidote to anxiety. When you take any type of action, your brain is able to start reframing the issue. Which steps are working for you? Which ones aren't? Let's say you want to write a book and you're trying to figure out every direction that the plot is going to go and you're mapping it all out and you can't figure out how a certain character will get over a certain challenge. And moreover,

Starting point is 00:21:41 you also have going on in your mind you're trying to figure out, okay, so if I write this book, how do I get it published? And if I get it published, how I manage the schedule of that with my current work and life load? And for both of those scenarios, the answer is take a step. Start writing the book and you will get the information that you need to make the next plot choices. Finish writing the book and start the publishing process and you will get the information that you need to figure out the next step. Information is a huge antidote to the fear of uncertainty. And the best, best way to get information is to take action. Even if that action does not pay off, that is information.

Starting point is 00:22:26 That is arguably even more valuable information if you view it in the right way. And just taking action without knowing the outcome is going to build your muscle for dealing with uncertainty. Researchers talk about it like walking down a familiar dark road. You might not be able to see where you're going, but you know where you are and you feel safe there. Taking action without knowing the outcome is going to build that sense of safety on that road. I personally come back to this tip over and over again when I feel hopeless about the state of the world. Do I know how to fix the government? No, I wish I did.

Starting point is 00:23:06 But I can take action in my life, in my community. our brains trick us into thinking that scrolling is going to make us feel better, that we are one piece of information away from having certainty about what's going to happen. But we're not. In fact, like we have talked about, it is much easier to come by the negative certainty and the algorithms and the people creating the content know that. They know that your brain would rather think that everything is doomed than not know what's going to happen next and they take advantage of that. That is what's hijacking your brain when you swipe on these apps. It is not an accurate version of the future and it's also simply not helpful. Action is the antidote to anxiety. Any action. Research shows that

Starting point is 00:23:54 having a plan reduces anxiety, it increases our perceived control and it lowers our distress, even if the plan isn't perfect or things play out in a totally different way. I want to repeat that because it's important. Even if things go completely off plan because you cannot control everything, your brain will still feel better if you make a plan. I used to have so much financial anxiety. I was not raised with a lot of money. And it sometimes feels insane that people are just like letting me be a grown up and pay taxes and run a company. And after stressing out about my financial future for literally years, Zach and I finally sat down with a financial advisor and we made a plan. I talked about all of my biggest fears like the instability of my job and we built that into the plan.

Starting point is 00:24:44 And in the years since making the plan, we have deviated. Unexpected things have happened and we've had to adjust. And still, my anxiety is so much better because we made a plan. Whatever you're scared about, whatever future uncertainty is causing you discomfort, sit down and make a real plan for it. even if you deviate from it and you likely will, you will feel better. The next tool is going to help you teach your brain that uncertainty does not automatically equal danger. You want to practice not doing your safety seeking behavior in situations that

Starting point is 00:25:20 feel low stakes. So, for example, if you are the kind of person who scours restaurant reviews and scrolls the Instagram page looking at all the different like meals you can get before going, pick a time to do absolutely zero research before choosing a place to eat. Leave a text message unread for 30 minutes or an email or a slack unanswered. When you engage in these little flirtations with uncertainty, you train your brain to learn that that spike of anxiety that you get goes away, that the consequences that we are so afraid of happening do not usually happen, and that you're resilient enough to deal with what.

Starting point is 00:26:00 whatever actually does happen. This literally recalibrates the threat response in your brain, which is going to help you become more comfortable with discomfort over time. So when the bigger out of your control discomforts come about, you're going to know that you can handle them. You won't need certainty because you'll be ready for whatever the world throws at you. Another tool that I would love for you to experiment with is accepting whatever you're feeling without trying to change it.

Starting point is 00:26:30 This has been a game changer for my anxiety. When I used to feel a panic attack coming on, I would do everything that I could to fight it off. And that always made it so much stronger. And then one day, I let go of the reins. I said to my mind, to my body, okay, you want to panic? Let it come. Let it come. And almost immediately, the anxiety lessened.

Starting point is 00:26:55 What we resist persists. What we give energy to grows stronger. When we accept something, we loosen that vice grip that it has on our hearts. It does not mean you are pretending that it's not happening. It is quite the opposite. I want you to notice how you are feeling and I want you to say to yourself, it is okay that I feel this way. There is nothing wrong with me for feeling this way. I do not need to resist this feeling. Let's say you have been in meetings all day and you notice your email notifications piling up, but it's time for your lunch break.

Starting point is 00:27:31 You can literally say to yourself, I notice that I'm having the thought that I must check my email right now and I feel that tension in my stomach. I accept the tension is there and I will choose to wait anyway. Literally just acknowledging that the feeling is there and not trying to push it away

Starting point is 00:27:50 is going to lessen your anxiety. It's going to teach your brain that you do not need to resist discomfort, that you invite it in. And that, ironically, is going to loosen its control over you. And if it doesn't go away and you're anxious until you check your email, then keep practicing. You're going to learn that the consequences of your actions are often far, far less large in real life than they loom in your head, which is going to increase your tolerance for discomfort and thus uncertainty. The last practice that I want to share seemed so silly to me at first, but I kept reading research about how effective it was.

Starting point is 00:28:29 so I tried it, and I was shocked at how well it works. So don't judge. Listen with an open heart. Set aside time to worry on your calendar. If something comes up outside of that time, tell yourself, I will worry about that during my worry time. There are a few reasons why researchers think this is so helpful. One is that we can worry about the same things for essentially an infinite amount of time. We can turn one worry over and over and over in our head, and whether we worry about it for five hours or five minutes, does not really matter in terms of coming to a solution. It literally just impacts our mental health. Scheduling worry time gives your worry a container so it doesn't take over your entire day.

Starting point is 00:29:11 And it also makes your worrying time more productive because you know you only have 15 minutes, so you're more likely to use that worry time well and arrive at a conclusion that's helpful. When you strip everything else away, this is what it all comes down to. You, yes you, are built for hard things. Every time you sit an uncertainty instead of running from it, you are rewiring your brain. You're becoming the version of you who can walk into a room without needing every answer, who can start a project without knowing the final step of it, who can ask for what you deserve, even without a guaranteed yes.

Starting point is 00:29:50 That version of you already exists. You have met them in every single moment that you thought would break. you, but did not. So to recap, you are giving your brain proof by making your resilience list. You are widening the possibilities for the future by forcing your brain to think of neutral and best case scenarios in addition to the worst case one that you probably are so adept at naturally coming up with. You are building your skill sets and you're being okay with being uncomfortable while you are learning. You're taking any action. You're making plans. You're practicing exposure to the unknown by not reading reviews, not doing all the research, just going with your gut.

Starting point is 00:30:29 You're accepting how you feel. And you can try out a worry window, 10 to 15 minutes a day. It's a fun time. As always, I do not want you to try all of these. My dream for this episode would be for, one, you to gain awareness around the ways that discomfort with uncertainty might be getting between you and the life that you deserve. And then, two, pick one tool, any of the ones that I shared today that resonated, with you and experiment with it.

Starting point is 00:30:57 Begin to build your uncertainty tolerance and see how your life begins to change. Because the moment that we stop waiting for certainty, our lives start expanding and I cannot wait to see where yours goes. Please send this to anyone in your life who's struggling with the massive amounts of uncertainty in the world these days. I want everybody to have this superpower. And if you're new here or even if you're not, take a quick second to hit that subscriber follow button. We have new episodes on Spotify, Apple, and YouTube every Monday and Wednesday.

Starting point is 00:31:31 Mondays are short solos with tips and stories from me like this episode. And then Wednesdays are longer episodes where I sit down with one of the world's leading experts to dive deep into a subject. I know. I can see the data on the back end, guys. I know that 50% of you listening right now are not following. And it is the best way to both support the podcast. And to make sure that you never miss out on an episode that could change your life. We have some really, really good stuff on deck.

Starting point is 00:31:57 I promise you do not want to miss it. You can find all of my favorite partner codes from the skincare that I swear by to the creatine and fish oil that I take every single day at Liz Moody.com slash codes. Supporting our brand partners keeps our show completely free for you. And it allows you to save money on products that I have vetted that I truly believe in. All right. I love you guys. I hope you enjoyed this episode.

Starting point is 00:32:20 I hope you feel empowered. I hope you feel excited. And I will see you on the next episode of the Liz Moody podcast. Oh, just one more thing. It's the legal language. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. It is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, a psychotherapist, or any other qualified professional.

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Starting point is 00:35:29 bagel salmon with truffle chive potatoes. My favorite recent meal was the creamy lemon chicken tray bake. I had one of those moments where I looked at my plate and I was like, wait, I made this and so quickly, like so easily. It's just so little effort for so much reward. Marley Spoon just makes eating well feel easy instead of stressful, and honestly, that is everything. This new year, fast track your way to eating well with Marley Spoon. Head to Marley Spoon.com slash offer slash Liz Moody for up to 25 free meals. That is right, up to 25 free meals with Marley Spoon. That is Marley Spoon.com slash offer slash Liz Moody. So remember to get the offer slash Liz Moody for up to 25 free meals. Thank you.

The Liz Moody Podcast - The ONE Skill Every Calm, Successful Person Has (And You Can Learn It Today)

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