The Liz Moody Podcast - The Surprising Reason You're Not Actually Behind In Life

Starting point is 00:00:00 Hello friends and welcome back to the Liz Moody podcast. Today we're doing an episode that I need right now, so I'm making it in hopes that it'll help you too. This is something that I've grappled with a lot for the last year or two, the idea that I'm behind in life. And because I see everything through that journalist lens after all of these years, I put on my research hat to explore. Why do I feel this way?

Starting point is 00:00:23 Why do so many of the most successful people that I know feel this way? what is happening in our psychology and our perceptions and what is all of that being influenced by? I really didn't want to create like a candy mindset episode where I just tell you and myself that we're not behind in life for 30 minutes. And then it feels really good in the moment when you're listening or when I'm talking. But then as soon as that hit wears off, we are all right back to where we started. I wanted real science. I wanted real meaty change. So that is what I created this episode to do. I want to start by just saying again, I often feel like I'm behind in life.

Starting point is 00:01:07 When I say that to people, they're like, but Liz, you're married. You've published all of these books. You have this successful podcast. And I am so, so grateful for all of that. But also, I am literally living out of a suitcase. I don't have a house. I cannot figure out how to have a baby timeline-wise in a way that fits in with my career. my podcast is successful, my books are successful, but I can point to people who are way more

Starting point is 00:01:33 successful, people who are reaching an audience that I wish I could reach. And I say this, because I think it's important for all of us to internalize that the way that our life looks to us is so different from the way that it is seen from the outside. We tend to dismiss our own accomplishments. We tend to build up other people's successes. And I think starting with that perspective is really important. I also want to say that I thought that success and wealth would be the antidotes to me feeling behind in life because that's what society essentially drills into our head from the day that we're born, especially in the U.S. And this is not a big double-blind study, but I haven't felt less behind as I have gained more money or success. And I know people who are

Starting point is 00:02:22 way richer and way more successful than me, people who are brand name celebrities, people who are literally billionaires, and many, many of them still have this feeling of being behind. There's a phenomenon where our brain tends to compare upward and aspire upward. So billionaires want to be the richest person in the world. The celebrities want to be this iconic person that you'll remember decades and decades after they die, like a Marilyn Monroe. So we're always comparing upward to the people above us, but we are also wired for scarcity because our brains want to protect us.

Starting point is 00:03:00 I watched the Paris Hilton documentary during the pandemic, and I still think about this part where Paris is talking to her sister and Paris says, I will not stop until I make a billion dollars and then I think I can relax. And Nikki, her sister is like, but you're exhausted, you are so burnt out and you have tens of millions of dollars. You do not need to keep going. And Paris is basically like, no, I am scared I'm going to lose it all. If I had a billion dollars, I would feel safe. And it was this really standout moment of the movie for me because here is this woman that has so much money, so much fame, really the ability to do whatever she wants in her life. And she doesn't feel like it's enough to

Starting point is 00:03:42 feel safe. And of course, if she gets a billion dollars, she still won't feel like it's enough to feel safe. And I have heard this from so many incredibly wealthy people. First of all, many of these people were driven to become incredibly wealthy in the first place because they did not feel safe. Not all wealthy people. There's obviously privilege and luck and different reasons that drive different people to different things. But a lot of wealthy people, whether they know it consciously or not, are motivated by this. And they're trying to make all of this money and thinking then they'll feel safe, then they'll feel loved. But the finish line for that keeps moving further and further out. And they think if they get to that new finish line, that will finally be the answer. But of course, it's not.

Starting point is 00:04:29 Because the finish line is a lie. It was never real. And we're not going to talk about billionaires and celebrities for this entire episode. But I feel like looking at these extreme examples is helpful because it demonstrates so clearly how little the way we feel is about the thing that we think we want. If we do not feel like enough without the partner or the kid or the house or the money, having those things will not make us feel like enough. Instead, that feeling of I need this to be enough will jump to something else. The core, the root thing that we need to tackle is that I'm not enoughness, but we focus on getting the things.

Starting point is 00:05:08 We focus on the fake finish lines. I love the quote from Arthur C. Brooks. He is a happiness researcher at Harvard, and he says humans are meant for progress, not Arrival. Scientists call it the arrival fallacy. And it's basically the idea that we think when we get somewhere, that will be the key to our happiness. And universally, the research shows that this is just not true. In fact, the opposite is true where often after you get that thing, you are less happy because you no longer have the hope that that thing will make you happy or change your life. It literally has a name. People call it gold medal syndrome because Olympic athletes who get gold medals

Starting point is 00:05:46 often go through a period of depression and hopelessness after. It also happens to Oscar-winning actors, to people after their wedding, the post-wedding blues, to founders after selling their company. I was just reading about the founder of Loom, who wrote an entire substack post about how lost and sad he felt after selling Loom for $975 million, which I feel like is a scenario that many of us dream about. I'm going to read it too because I found it fascinating. Okay, he wrote, everything feels like a side quest, but not in an investigation.

Starting point is 00:06:16 inspiring way. I don't have the same base desires driving me to make money or gain status. Honestly, I am not the most optimistic about life. And then he says, I've only started to realize that when Loom was in its early innings, I felt very secure with my position in life. And lots of this stemmed from the extreme gratitude for the journey I was on. I was happy with everything as it was. The growth trajectory of the company was more than I could ever dream for. I was happy. I felt secure. It could all turn to shit the next day, and that would be okay. Humans are meant for progress, not arrival. In fact, not only are we not meant for arrival, we are really bad at it. It actively makes us feel awful to arrive, which is something I try to tell myself when I'm feeling behind in life,

Starting point is 00:07:05 when I'm rushing to check off box after box. When I arrive, when I get there, there's a good chance that I will feel worse than I do right now. And the only antidote to you, that is to enjoy the journey. So how the hell do we do that? How do we enjoy the journey? There are a few things that I found really pragmatically helpful for enjoying the journey for not feeling behind in life. First of all, even that word behind, it implies comparison. It implies an end destination. And I always think about the idea that if we are racing, if we are trying to get to the next thing and the next thing and the next thing, what is at the end of that? It's death. The end of the race is death.

Starting point is 00:07:49 The thing that we are rushing toward is death. I was listening to an interview with Michelle Obama recently that made me cry. She was talking about how when her mom was dying, she pulled Michelle over and she said, wow, this went fast. And Michelle was like, what are you talking about? And her mom was like, life. Life went fast. It goes so fast. And when we are racing through it, when we are looking for the next.

Starting point is 00:08:16 thing and the next thing and the next thing. We're taking this thing that is already so short, so crazily short, and we're making it go by even faster. By looking at the future in that way, we are actually training our brain to seek out that type of reward, which makes that reward inherently less enjoyable. This is kind of confuddled, so stick with me here. But if you are training your brain to be scanning for the next thing to work toward to feel happy, the second that you hit that thing, your brain will be scanning for the next thing to work toward to be happy because you have trained it to do that. When I catch myself scanning for the next thing, I actively stop. Sometimes I even say stop out loud. So I'll just like literally be sitting

Starting point is 00:08:58 there by myself in a room and I'll be like, stop. It's a weird little psychology trick, but it's actually really effective. And then after I say stop, either in my head or out loud, I try to notice what I am enjoying about the present moment. That's more our see Brooks research, happiness comes down to three things, enjoyment, satisfaction, and meaning. So those are the three things that you can look for. Is there something that you are enjoying about this moment of the journey? Is there something that you are deriving satisfaction from? Or maybe there's something meaningful about it, even if it is in no way enjoyable in the moment. One of my favorite bits of psychology research that I never hear people talk about is that

Starting point is 00:09:39 there's another key aspect of living a good life, that beyond happiness and meaning, there's something called psychological richness that is an incredibly important element of a life well-lived. Basically, having perspective-changing experiences with novelty and complexity are hugely contributive to our well-being. What I love about this research is that it completely reframes non-linear paths and more difficult experiences as not only not being bad or harmful, but actually being a key component of a well-lived life. That career pivot, that's valuable. perspective that's contributing to your psychologically rich life. That divorce, that's complexity. That is heartbreak. That is novelty. Those are all key factors of a life well lived.

Starting point is 00:10:27 Your path deviating from whatever the norm is, that is you adding to your well-being. It is another vote for taking the risk, for taking the detour, for leaping in with your heart open, even if it means that it might break later. These are not bumps in the road to be avoided. These are key components of the journey. Psychological richness, man. Whenever anything bad happens to me, I now try to zoom out a bit and I think this is adding psychological richness to my life. This is part of my well-lived life. Did you know that more than two-thirds of protein powders tested have lead levels above California's Prop 65 safety limits? And in some cases, they have more than 10 times. times over. And a broader study found that nearly half of top-selling U.S. protein powders exceeded

Starting point is 00:11:17 those safety limits with more than 20% clocking in at twice the allowed levels. This is so important because protein is something that a lot of us consume every single day trying to be healthier, and then we're consuming something that's actually making us less healthy. A huge wellness tenant that I talk about is pay attention to the stuff that you do a lot, like every single day. The occasional stuff does not matter nearly as much, but that's why protein powder matters a lot. That's why I switch to Puri Grass Fed Way protein. Puri takes transparency to a whole new level because every single batch is third-party tested against 200 plus contaminants, and they publish all of the results online.

Starting point is 00:11:57 You can even scan a QR code on your bag to see the exact test results of your specific batch, which I have never seen another brand do. Each serving delivers 21 grams of clean grass-fed weight protein, and it's free from hormones, GMOs, and pesticides. Plus, the flavors are so good. There's bourbon vanilla, which has real vanilla seeds from Madagascar, and dark chocolate, which has organic cocoa powder. I also just really quick, because I do take this every single day, I want to shout out

Starting point is 00:12:25 their creatine. I take it every single morning for my brain health. I have an entire episode about creatine, if you want to dive further into that, but TLDR, the hype is very real. and very justified based on the research. And then I also take their fish oil, which has the specific ratio of DHA and EPA that Myr-D said is best for inflammation and for brain health.

Starting point is 00:12:46 And again, if you're taking these things daily, you want them to be as pure as possible, which is what Puri's whole brand is all about. Right now, you can get 32% off of your Puri grass-fed way when you start a subscription, plus a free shaker worth $25 on your first order totaling $49 in savings. Go to Peury.com slash Liz Moody and use code Liz Moody at checkout for this exclusive offer.

Starting point is 00:13:10 You're going to get a discount on any of their products if you use code Liz Moody, but then this is an extra special offer. So go to Peury.com and use code Liz Moody. Not all sourdough is made equal. In fact, most of the sourdough that you get at the grocery store does not have the benefits of sourdough at all. I lived all over the country during nomad life, and let me tell you, there are not many bakeries making real sourdough, which offers gut, benefits, metabolic benefits, and more. This is why I cannot stop talking about wild grain. It is the first baked from frozen subscription box for sourdough breads, artisanal pastries,

Starting point is 00:13:46 and fresh pastas, and everything bakes in 25 minutes or less. They use a slow fermentation process for their sourdows, which makes the nutrients more absorbable, and the bread far easier on your digestive system. They're preservative-free, and they also have gluten-free sourdough options, which is like a unicorn. It is so good. I've never tried anything like it from anywhere else. The loaf comes ready to bake and frozen so you can just pop it in the oven and you get

Starting point is 00:14:12 fresh baked bread. And they also have cookies and croissant and pasta including gluten-free pasta, which Zach is so, so obsessed with. He is fully gluten-free and this pasta has like saved his life. They all have great for you ingredients. They're all ready to just pop in an oven or a pot. And it's all baked by small local bakeries around the country so you are supporting local businesses. Their boxes are fully customizable so you can choose from the variety box, the gluten-free

Starting point is 00:14:39 box, the vegan box, or their new protein box, which is such a great option. There's really nothing like getting to have fresh-baked, high-quality bread whenever you want. Right now, Wildgrain is offering $30 off your first box, plus free croissants for life. Their croissants are so good, and it's so just life-enhancing to get to heat up one croissant and have one fresh-baked croissant whenever you want and the ingredients in these croissants are just phenomenal. Anyways, you can get $30 off your first box plus free croissants for life when you go to Wildgrain.com slash Liz Moody or use code Liz Moody. That's $30 off and free croissons for life at wildgrain.com slash Liz Moody.

Starting point is 00:15:21 I'm genuinely confused how master class gets literally the absolute top people in every single field to teach every single one of their classes. I use it when I want to learn things directly like the cooking class from Thomas Keller has all of the wisdom that you would normally have to go to culinary school for. But also, I'm being honest, this is like a use case I don't hear a lot of people talking about. I'll just watch it for entertainment when I want to do something that's far more interesting than scrolling. Christina Aguilera taught me to sing. Shan Boudrum's Art of Mastering Confidence and Sex Appeal class is 10 out of 10.

Starting point is 00:15:53 There's menopause classes with leading doctors. There's script writing with Mindy Kaley. Literally, you name it, they're on masterclass and it is such a good way to get off your phone, but have something that's like not quite as long or hard to get into as a TV show or a movie and that it just keeps you entertained and interested. And you are learning. There are over 200 classes from the world's best all for just $10 a month when billed annually. And you get unlimited access to every class on the platform so you can learn at your own pace

Starting point is 00:16:22 whenever you want on your phone, your computer, or even in audio mode like a podcast. If you're looking to stop scrolling and start consuming entertaining content that makes you feel excited and helps you learn, Masterclass is it. And the best part, every membership comes with a 30-day money-back guarantee so you can start learning risk-free. Right now, our listeners get an additional 15% off any annual membership at Masterclass.com slash Liz Moody. That's 15% off at Masterclass.com slash Liz Moody. Masterclass.com slash Liz Moody. Feeling behind also implies comparison. And there are two things that I find most helpful when I find myself comparing myself to other people, which if you're feeling behind, you're definitely doing that. Actually, there are three things. Actually, there are four,

Starting point is 00:17:10 there are four things that I find most helpful when I find myself comparing myself to other people, which is a key, key part of feeling behind in life. The first is reminding myself that I'm only getting a teeny tiny sliver of somebody else's life. And I'm comparing that to my entire life. Even our best friends, we're just getting a teeny tiny little sliver. I've talked about on the pod before, how we tend not to be truly vulnerable with our friends because we have created this culture where we're afraid of being perceived or judged. And that makes this comparison problem even worse because most of us, even if we do not mean to, are showing a shinier version of our lives to our friends and an even shinier version of our lives on social media. So we're seeing this

Starting point is 00:17:52 shiny curated version of a life and we're comparing that to a whole complicated real life that we are actually living. And to that point, if I am comparing myself to somebody else, I ask myself if I would trade their entire life for my entire life. So that means for me, no Zach, no podcast, no sister. And I have to not only take the parts of their life that are the sliver that I see, the shiny part that I see, but also I have to take the more challenging parts. And 99% of the time, when I ask myself that, when I ask myself, would I trade every single thing in my life for every single thing in their life, the answer is no. The third thing that helps is just to spend less time on social media and more time curating what I do see when I am on social media. I will not

Starting point is 00:18:40 dwell on this because we all know it, but it will say that the times in my life that I feel the most behind are when I am spending the most time scrolling. Because think about what you post on social media. I am scrolling and I'm just seeing my friends buy houses and have babies and I am so happy for their wins, but I also compare them to my own. And again, I'm just seeing that teeny tiny sliver. And then the fourth thing that I find really helpful is using that comparison and honestly using feeling behind in general as information as a way of pointing to the things that I want in my life. Be like a detective. What do the things that make you jealous say about your goals and your values? What are the things that make you feel behind say about what you want from your life?

Starting point is 00:19:29 And then here is the harder part. Be brutally honest with yourself about if the way that you are living your life on a day-to-day basis is actually in line with those values and those goals and those desires. There are ways that the world gets in our way and then there are ways that we get in our own way. Look for the latter and see if you can't use the fact that you feel behind as motivation to actually make the change that future you will thank you for. The other primary reason that I think many of us feel behind in life is because we are told basically from birth what life should look like. It has these beats like, but up, but up, go to college, get a job, get engaged, get married, have a kid. We are all living by these

Starting point is 00:20:13 scripts that weren't written by us and that I think many of us aren't even aware of. To try to bring that sense of awareness into my life, I look at. for the word should in my life all of the time. I ask myself why all of the time? Why do I want to own a house? Why do I want to have a kid? Which of course I did a whole podcast series about, so you very much witnessed that wide journey. In fact, the very idea of being behind in life is contingent on shoulds because otherwise why would anyone be ahead? Why would anyone be behind? With no shoulds, we would all be exactly where we are supposed to be because the only life that we are living, living is our own. I know from a lot of personal experience that the sheds can be very tricky

Starting point is 00:20:57 to get rid of though, so I'm not going to leave you with like a wishy-washy, bring awareness to it. Change your mindset, shtick. Awareness helps, but the thing that I have found helps the most with the shoulds is actively looking for role models living all different types of lives. Our brain likes what it's seen before because our brain is designed to avoid risk. If we have seen someone else make a choice, that choice feels safer. This happens fully to subconscious level. Our brain is just trying to protect us, but it does that by subtly encouraging us to choose more well-trod paths. If we see somebody ahead on the path, we think, ah, okay, I can go that way. It is safe to go that way. It is okay to go that way. I know I tend to be fairly

Starting point is 00:21:39 anti-social media. I feel like I talk about using social media less than every single episode, but this is actually one of my all-time favorite uses of social media. Look for people living different lives than you. Look for people who sold their house to travel the world. Look for people living in a van. Look for people who never got married and they're living with their best friends instead. Look for people who had babies and look for people who didn't and look for people who are stay-at-home parenting and look for people who are working full-time. Look for people who had a big old wedding and people who decided that marriage wasn't that important to them. There are so many people living so many lives out there. Seek them out and use them to teach your brain how to be free of the single narrative that it has been

Starting point is 00:22:27 fed for your entire life. The happiest, happiest people that I know are living lives free of shoulds. They are questioning their choices and they're living intentionally. They are not doing things because their parents did it or their best friend did it or they saw it in a movie once. You have one life. This is it. I promise, I promise that you will regret living it the way someone else wants you to. As a matter of fact, the number one regret that people have at the end of their lives is I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me. Basically, I wish I hadn't let the shoulds control me. I wish I had lived my own life, my own dreams. And if you go down the list of the things that people regret

Starting point is 00:23:16 the most at the end of their lives, the other regrets people have are I wish I hadn't worked so hard. I wish I had the courage to express my feelings. I wish I'd stayed in touch with my friends, and I wish I had let myself be happier. Do you notice what's missing? People are not regretting, not having gotten a raise by a certain age, or having gotten engaged by a certain age. Their regrets, actually, if you zoom out, are much more about enjoying the journey. Because like Michelle Obama's mom said, it goes far, far quicker than we think it will. I just had a close. I just had a close. I just had a close friend who is my age, get a cancer diagnosis, and that was right after my father-in-law died. It has been a year full of loss. It's been a year full of grief. And it just makes it so abundantly

Starting point is 00:24:03 clear what matters in this life. We have one journey on this planet, and we have no real idea how long it will last. It's been such a hard year emotionally, but one of the biggest silver linings is how clear it makes it that every single day that we get to be here is an extraordinary gift, that every single day that we get to belly laugh with our friends or snuggle our pet or eat a delicious piece of chocolate is an incredible gift. I did a podcast with Dr. Docker Keltner. He is my old UC Berkeley professor. And the podcast was all about awe, which he talked about being one of the best things for our happiness and our health, like it actually has real benefits for our inflammation levels and our immune system, like our

Starting point is 00:24:50 physical health, but also our happiness. And he talks about how, yes, we can find awe in amazing art and contemplating galaxies that are really far away. But one of my favorite tips that he shared in that episode is that the best way to find awe is just to look at something a little bit longer. Any normal old thing, a flower on your daily walk, the cup of tea in your hand, the phone that you're listening to this episode on, look at it a little bit longer and more than likely, you'll begin to feel awe because there is awe all around us. Our lives, the moments of our days are filled with awe. The real secret to true and lasting happiness isn't hunting down extraordinary milestones. It's not trying to get to the next thing quicker. It's realizing that your

Starting point is 00:25:44 life is filled with extraordinary moments every single day. I hope this was helpful. I want to reiterate that this is something that I very much deal with too. And I made this episode as much for myself as I did for you guys. And I hope that we can all help each other, truly embrace these concepts and change the way that we feel about our lives. I want you to know that you are not alone. You are so not alone. If there is anybody that you know, that you know, that feels behind in life that you think would benefit from everything that we talked about in this episode, please do send them a link to the episode. It is an amazing way to support your friends and also to support this show. We have grown so much this year. And it's all because of you guys

Starting point is 00:26:31 sharing episodes and writing reviews on Apple Podcasts and Spotify and following us on Apple Podcasts and on YouTube. And it's really just so appreciated. I can't express my gratitude for that enough for this community and to get to have these conversations with you. It's my dream in life and you guys make it possible. You can find our newsletter, the takeaway at lizmoody.substack.com. We are sharing our monthly favorite soon. That's always one of my favorite posts of the month. So do not miss out on that. We also have transcripts for every episode. We have behind the scenes content, just lots of good stuff there that you can't find anywhere else. If you heard a discount code for a product in this episode, you can find all of those listed out at Liz Moody.com.

Starting point is 00:27:12 slash codes, as well as all of our vetted, tested brand partners, including mattress companies. We've got online fitness. We've got the healthiest meat that I have ever eaten. It's also so, so tasty. They have a really cool, like, snack stick product that's so good for on the go. We have amazing organic skin care. So much good stuff there. Really great discounts on incredible products.

Starting point is 00:27:34 So check that out at lizmoody.com slash codes. Lastly, come hang out on Instagram. I'm trying a ton of new stuff over there in hopes of best. helping and serving you and making social media something that is as good for our brains as possible. So go check that out. Let me know what you think. I'm very open to feedback. This is all experimental at this phase. But I am at Liz Moody on Instagram and on TikTok. Okay, I love you. I love that we get to explore these types of topics together. And I will see you on the next episode of the Liz Moody podcast. Oh, just one more thing. It's the legal language. This podcast is presented solely for

Starting point is 00:28:11 educational and entertainment purposes. It is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, a psychotherapist, or any other qualified professional. Look, I'm never going to make everything that I wear organic, but your sheets, your pillows, your comforter are literally touching your skin for eight hours every single night. That is a third of your life right there with one simple swap. And if your bedding is worn out, it's trapping heat or it's made with questionable materials, your sleep is going to suffer, and so will everything that depends on it? You want a bed, you deserve a bed that you are excited to get into every single night so that you can get the sleep that you need to feel your best.

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The Liz Moody Podcast - The Surprising Reason You're Not Actually Behind In Life

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