The Liz Moody Podcast - Why Friendship Is So Hard These Days (+ 7 Surprising Things That Actually Help)

Episode Date: May 19, 2025

Are you struggling to form and maintain meaningful friendships? Are the friendships you have unsatisfying or draining? In this episode, I’m giving you my top research-backed tips on friendship, from how to make new memories with old friends to practicing vulnerability in your relationships.  Our friendships are some of our most important relationships, but our actions do not tend to reflect this. In reality, many of us just do not prioritize our friendships over other aspects of our lives. The modern work-obsessed and social media-saturated landscape makes it even more difficult to form fulfilling friendships. But, you can use these actionable tips to shift your friendships from unfulfilling check-ins to meaningful connections.  Ready to uplevel every part of your life? Order Liz’s book 100 Ways to Change Your Life: The Science of Leveling Up Health, Happiness, Relationships & Success now!  To join The Liz Moody Podcast Club Facebook group, go to www.facebook.com/groups/thelizmoodypodcast. Connect with Liz on Instagram @lizmoody or online at www.lizmoody.com. Subscribe to the substack by visiting https://lizmoody.substack.com/welcome. Check out the previous episode of The Liz Moody Podcast discussed today: How to Figure Out Your Dream Career (And Actually Get It!) with Suzy Welch This episode is sponsored by: Puori: Go to puori.com/LIZMOODY and use promo code LIZMOODY for up to 20% sitewide.  LMNT: go to DrinkLMNT.com/LIZMOODY to get a free LMNT sample pack with any order. Thrive Market:  go to ThriveMarket.com/LIZMOODY for 30% off your first order, plus a FREE $60 gift. The Liz Moody Podcast cover art by Zack. The Liz Moody Podcast music by Alex Ruimy. Formerly the Healthier Together Podcast.  This podcast and website represents the opinions of Liz Moody and her guests to the show. The content here should not be taken as medical advice. The content here is for information purposes only, and because each person is so unique, please consult your healthcare professional for any medical questions. The Liz Moody Podcast Episode 330. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello, friends, and welcome to the Liz Moody podcast. There's something that I have been thinking about a lot lately, which is why friendship today is struggling so much. I know so few people who are really satisfied with their friendship situation, and the data all support this. Loneliness is going up. Social isolation is going up. And there are a few problems that have jumped out to me, and I want to talk about

them today and some fixes because, frankly, life is too hard to not have friends. We are social creatures and too many of us are getting friendship, this key social connection, wrong. And I know that you have quite literally never heard me say this before, but the world's longest study of human beings found that the single greatest predictor of health and happiness is the quality of our relationship. So research validates that our friendships do not just feel important. They matter hugely to us feeling good and for us living long, healthy lives. And friendship is not in a good place.

get to talk to you guys all of the time. And over and over, I hear about how unhappy you are with your friendships, how you wish you had more close friends or more of a feeling of community. And the stats here are really scary. Loneliness rates have doubled since the 1980s. One in two adults report regularly feeling lonely. All of which is to say this is a cultural issue. This is not an individual failing. There is something going on here. There is nothing wrong with you, although you can take steps that will make a huge difference, which we will definitely be getting into in this episode. I have noticed a few things that feel unique to this particular moment in time that I want to talk about with you guys today. And then for each one, I will share some actionable steps to help.

So problem one. So many of us feel like we have no free time between going to work and making dinner and doing laundry and grocery shopping and going to the gym and taking care of kids if we have any. And yes, we are scrolling in a lot of the time that we have left over. But I don't think it's as easy as get off your phone and hang out with your friends because often we're scrolling in like 10 minutes here, 10 minutes there, or we're scrolling at the end of the day when we are too exhausted to make conversation. And this leads into the next problem, which is proximity. We used to live in community with family, a 5 to 10 minute walk maximum from all of our friends,

from pretty much everybody that we knew in our entire lives. And I don't know about you, but my friends are spread out all over the literal world. I am a 10-hour plane flight from many of my friends. Building relationships, building community takes so much more time than we think. And a lot of us move to a place and a year passes and we feel like we don't have the deep connections that we want. And we feel like something is wrong with the place or with us and then we move again. And so few of us consider community when we're making these moves.

we are so much more likely to prioritize a job or weather or a nice house than being proximate to our friends, to our community. Even being a 20-minute drive from our friends makes a huge difference. Being able to pop in on our friends to stop in and say hi for a few minutes without the pressure of it being a proper dinner that's been scheduled months in advance on the calendar, that popping in, that casual energy is hugely conducive to friendship. Both of these point to a greater problem. We are not living life with our friends.

We are getting together with our friends to report on the lives that we are living separately. Tell me if this sounds familiar to you. You get dinner with a friend and you go down a checklist. How's your work? How's your partner doing? What ended up happening with that fight you had? You had a vacation planned, right? How did that end up going?

And that not only doesn't feel very satisfying in the moment, but it actually doesn't create any new memories, which is key to feeling connected to somebody and enjoying spending time with them. You know that feeling when past you made plans and then present you really resent that you actually have to go to that dinner or meet up with that person? I think a lot of that is due to this reporting nature. It's not actually that fun to give a report on the state of your life. It also leads into drama and venting, often because we simply are grasping for things to talk about to connect on. And research shows that venting actually makes us feel worse, not better, and then we associate, oh, when I hang out with this person, I feel worse.

Why would we want to prioritize that? Why would we want to make time for that when we're tired? The good news is that there are two things that we can do that solve for for most of these things in one fell swoop. One is really easy and one is harder. So let's start with the easy. This is one of my all-time favorite friendship tips. Do chores with friends.

Live life with friends. You know you need to work out. Go to the gym with a friend. Go for a hike with a friend. Take a workout class with a friend. And beyond that, do the rest of your chores with your friends. Go to the DMV together. Go grocery shopping together.

and then do a meal prep session at one person's house. This solves for the time problem because instead of squeezing friendship into available moments around the commitments that you already have, you are habit stacking your friendships into your to-do list. If you grocery shop and meal prep with friends, you make a boring task way easier. You end up with closer friendships and you have a bunch of healthy food to eat all week long. It also gives you experiences to have together, whether it is laughing over that thing that happened at the DMV or how hard that one cookbook recipe was to follow. It gives you challenges to

overcome together. All of these things tell your brain, hey, there is something new here. This is worth remembering, which is the basis of my novelty rule, which makes your time together feel more satisfying and bleed together less than a million of the same dinners or cocktail catch-ups. Speaking of, let's talk about novelty and friendships. We need more novelty in our friendships. And I don't mean we need to add in more different people. I mean, we need to add in more interesting inputs. We need to add in challenges and adventures and make real memories with our friends. I am such a huge fan of trips with friends for this reason.

I have a theory that every new place that you go with a person, you exponentially deepen the friendship. But it tracks with neuroscience because a weekend spent in a new location imprints on our brain that much more. I have friends that I literally see once or twice a year, but during that time, we are all off our phones. We are all in a new location together. We are kayaking or going line dancing or climbing a mountain. And we've spent literally like a week or two together total if you add it all up. But because that time was so intentional, because we were doing novel activities, because we were so

present, there's some of my closest friendships. And if you can't do a trip, try something new in your hometown, take an improv class, or go to a show, or play a new game together, try a new conversation card deck, anything to just break our brain out of that reporting mode into the we are building new memories together mode. This helps with the time thing too. We put so much pressure on the quantity of time that we put into our friendships. We need to meet up this often. We need to text and call and voice note this often. But actually the quality of that time, is what matters. We over index on time spent and under index on quality time spent. Our friendships will be deeper and richer if we eliminate that constant pressure to catch up and instead hang out

together less often, but make those times really intentional. And then we get back all of that time. We get that time back to do everything else we have to do in our busy lives and we get to improve our friendships. Okay, are we ready for the harder thing? We could prioritize our friends more in terms of our life choices. We talk constantly about how important our friendships are in our lives, but our actions say otherwise. We move cities constantly and we rarely consider our friends in the way that we would say a partner or our family or a job. We pick neighborhoods based on a cool coffee shop or a gym more than communities. And look, I am incredibly guilty of this personally. When I had NYU professor Susie Welch on the podcast, she talked about how we can't value everything. At a certain point, there has to be a

hierarchy. We can't equally value making money and having a career that's our passion if those two are at odds. We can't value working as little as possible and living in an expensive, desirable place. I've talked to a number of people who have made communal living work and one of the three, top things that they always, always share is the sacrifices that they had to make along the way. Almost all of them compromised on location, on type or size or luxuriousness of home. And, and they all felt it was completely worth it. Because in the hierarchy of their values, community was the most important thing. Look, this can be actionable, but it can also just be freeing.

Maybe friendship isn't a top value for you at this moment, at this moment, at this. this particular stage of your life. Acknowledging that and acknowledging that's the reason your life looks and feels the way it does can feel like a sigh of relief. It gives you back your agency. It's not something happening to you. It's a choice you are making. And now at least you're making it consciously.

And maybe it points to actions that you should or could take. Maybe community is a top priority for you right now. And maybe that means living in a city that's not your ideal. Maybe it means taking a job that comes with a pay cut, which is something that our productivity obsessed capitalist society will tell you never to do. But recognizing, hey, this is something I value and living in line with my values inherently comes with some sacrifice. Oh, that can be so, so empowering.

What are you trying to optimize for right now? It can change over time. It will change over time. But for right now, take a second and write down your three biggest priorities at this moment. And then ask yourself, does your life reflect those priorities? The next problem with modern friendship

is our fucking phones. I cannot have another dinner with someone and have them keep checking their phone. I just cannot. It distracts from the conversation. It makes us lose our trains of thought. It sends a very clear signal that you are not as interesting

as whatever is in this little internet box, which makes the person that you're with feel awful about them. I know that we have talked about this before, but having our phone out on the table, even if it's face down, impacts the quality of our conversations and our ability to connect with each other. Literally, we rate conversations as having been worse if the phone is out on the table at all. Yet almost every single time that we hang out, the phone is right there. And if it's right there, we are always using some of our willpower not to check it. We always have some of what

researchers call attention residue stuck to our phones, which means that we don't have our full attention on the conversation. It is almost impossible and it's also very nanny-like and annoying to ask friends to put their phones away. So what I have found works much, much better is intentionally scheduling activities where it is impossible to be on your phone, a weekend getaway to a cabin where there's no service, a movie or a play, a workout class. I love going on hikes with friends and I only recently realized it's because phones are almost always put away, both so that you don't trip and fall off a cliff and die and also just because there is usually no service. I do think there are some small ways that phones can be good-ish, good proximate in friendships. I go back and forth

on this, but I do think that being able to keep loose track of your friends' lives on social media is helpful, especially if you can use it as a jumping off point for conversation or like a way to keep in touch. But also, I had a friend who went off social media completely and she was so worried about missing her friend's big life events. But what actually happened was they ended up texting her personally when something happened. It made her feel so much more connected to them than getting the update from an Instagram story along with everybody else. So I don't know. I don't even know if that is a win. If you have headaches, allergies, brain fog, skin irritation, or you've been dealing with hormone issues, you are especially going to want to listen to this ad. Every single thing that I just

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no code needed. And also that leads me to my next problem with modern friendship, which social media is very much involved in. We are more focused on perception than we have ever been before. This plays out in a number of different ways. One, very obvious. we curate our lives online. This clearly impacts the ways that we hang out with our friends, with the way that we are perceived taking center stage in a way that it never used to. The whole thing of like themed bachelorette with the outfitless, that never used to be a thing before social media.

We are spending more time than we ever have before in history trying to look like we are having fun. And the flip side of that is that when we scroll, we see all of these moments. that other people have designed to look like they are having the maximum amount of fun possible, and then we compare our lives to that. So we're having less fun in the moment because part of our attention is focused on the appearance of fun, and we're comparing ourselves to all these people we perceive to be having fun.

So we think that our lives are less fun overall in that comparison. It is incredibly insidious, and it means that we have less time to just really connect and enjoy our relationships. And even when we are connecting and enjoying, we're much more inclined to compare ourselves and our relationships to what we perceive other people to be doing and feel worse about our situation as a result. A lot of us are also chasing quantity over quality, which I personally think is a result of this perception element that snuck into our relationships.

But despite all of the huge group vacations that you see online, research shows that we only need, we only can handle three to five very close, emotionally supportive deep relationships. A lot of us think that we are supposed to have more. We're supposed to have this big birthday party worth of friends. So we both attempt to spend time with all of these people, which spreads us super thin and doesn't allow us to cultivate true deep friendship with a few people. And it makes us feel bad about the beautiful friendships that we do have. This goes back to what I was saying earlier about spending a little intentional time with people instead of spending a lot of unintentional time. Have intentional friends, a few friends that let you be your most authentic self that

make you feel the way that you want to feel that is worth so much more than being able to fill up a huge party. And it's literally what our brain is designed to handle. Three to five close friends. It is all you need. It is not as many as you think. And then the last way that this constant awareness of being perceived has impacted our friendships is that because we are exposed to the most impressive version of everyone that we know online, I think we have really trained ourselves out of being truly vulnerable. We've been trained into trying to look the best to thrive at work, to thrive in our partnerships. And I think that seeps into us not truly expressing what we are struggling with in our friendships. And yes, we do complain or we vent like we talked about earlier,

which I don't think is ideal. But Ventine's also not particularly deep or vulnerable. We get into these tracks of safe things to share, the things that we complain about over and over, and we don't want to show the things that we're really scared about, that we'll never have a life that feels good, that we married the wrong person, that we regret having kids or not having kids,

that we talk to ourselves with true hatred and vitriol every single day of our lives. We have more exposure to how other people are living their lives than we have ever before at any point in history. Of course we compare ourselves to other people more than we ever have before in history. Of course, we're more scared to come up short that our life or our choices aren't good enough. Of course, it's scary to share our true vulnerabilities with our friends. But all of this is why it's so important to share them. If you're always trying to look impressive, you will never feel truly seen.

And being seen, being really seen is what makes us feel safe and connected and loved. I see this over and over in friendship dynamics. People aren't sharing their real selves even with their closest friends or they don't even have closest friends because they're worried about having too many friends. I truly think it's one of the biggest problems in modern friendship and a big reason that so many of us feel lonely, even if on paper we have friends. So what do we actually do about all of this? First, I do think awareness is so key and phone-free hangouts like we talked about make a huge difference. Protect your joy from the highlight reel. Remind yourself that what you see online is not a

reflection of other people's lived reality. It's a reflection of what they want to be perceived as. Research shows we are more wired to pay attention to emotionally charged and visually exciting information, which makes social media both magnetic and massively distorting. You are not falling behind. You are not less lovable because you're not in Greece in matching sarongs. The most meaningful parts of friendship usually happen far away from any camera. True friendship is not something that you can scroll through or post about it, something that you feel in your body. It is the ease of a shared silence. It is the safety of having

said the hard thing and having someone stay. It is the moments when you're not performing, you are not curating little bits of yourself. You are just being. That is what we're trying to build here. And if you are in a friendship group where they sacrifice real bonding to capture cute content online, even after you suggest alternative activities, maybe those are not your people. Next, I really, really, really want you to think about shrinking your circle, but deepening the roots of the friendships that you do focus on. Ask yourself who you want your three to five close friends to be and then really make a commitment to pour into those people. Text them with updates, schedule, phone-free hangout times, plan group trips, get invested in

their lives and let them get invested in yours. Emotional investment is what builds closeness and it is a far better predictor of long-term happiness than how many people you can make the reservation for your birthday dinner for. And those are the people that you really want to get your vulnerability reps in with. Researchers have shown that vulnerability is a skill. It is something that we practice and get good at with time. You do not have to dive into your deepest wounds right away.

You can start small. You can share something that you're unsure about. You can admit something that makes you feel a little bit embarrassed. Studies show that people consistently underestimate how much other people appreciate emotional openness. When you share something real, people like you more, not less. So my challenge to you is to try a vulnerability rep this week. When somebody asks you how you're doing, instead of just saying, I'm good, I'm just busy, or I'm feeling kind of stressed right now, say how you are really feeling, say what is really going on in your life.

share your true self. Let people love all of you, not just the surface level or the shiny parts. Okay, so let's zoom out. Let's give you your friendship action plan, the antidote to some of these problems of modern friendship. Start by folding friendship into your existing life. Habit stack your errands, your workouts, your chores with your friends to make time without having to add more things into your life. Next, add novelty, whether that is a new class, a trip, a game night, shift from reporting on your life to living your life with your friends.

Get honest about your values. If community is one of them, make decisions that reflect that, even if it means some tradeoffs. Choose quality over quantity, pick your three to five people, less people than you think, and invest in those people deeply. protect your attention with phone-free hangout time. And remember, please remember that social media is a perception machine. It is not reality.

And finally, start doing those vulnerability reps. Just say a real thing that's going on in your life. Say those little things that you're actually a little bit scared about how they're going to be taken. Those are the things that create our deep bonds, our deep connections. This is very much an ongoing conversation. and I'm definitely going to be talking about it more on the podcast because it's something that's on my mind a lot lately and I would love to know what you're thinking around all of this stuff too. If you found this conversation or any of the tools that I shared today helpful,

please do me a favor and send a link to a friend or a family member or a colleague. It would be such a good way to spark a conversation about these things with a friend. And it is the best way to support the podcast and it is so, so appreciated. Sharing and following the podcast are the two ways that you can help make sure that we can continue to get great guests and produce great episodes for you. So speaking of that, I would be so grateful if you took just two seconds to hit the follow button on Apple or on Spotify. More than 50% of you listening are not yet following the podcast. So even if you think you're following the podcast, just take a really quick second to make sure that you actually are. We are able to keep this show totally free thanks to the amazing brand partners that you heard about.

about in this episode. You can support the podcast and you can save money by using the discount codes that we share. There's a full list of them at lizmoody.com slash codes. And if you want practical takeaways from today's episode, head over to lizmoody.substack.com. We have a ton of exclusive content on there. We have deep dives into like raw milk, into Botox. We also have challenges, meal plans. We have bonus expert interviews. So much good stuff. And of course, come hang out with me on Instagram. I am at Liz Moody. I try very hard to not make my social media a highlight real, but to show you what's real, to give you tips and things that you can relate to and feel seen by. I love you, and I so appreciate you choosing to spend your time with me. I will see you on the next

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go to put your clothes on. This does not do that. But it does moisturize really, really well. and then again, I'm reducing my skin's biological age. I am not making it just look younger. I am making it actually younger. One Skin has four peer-reviewed clinical studies in over 10,000 five-star reviews. The data backs everything up. For a limited time, get 15% off with code Liz at oneskin.c.c.o slash Liz. Again, that's 15% off at oneskin.co with code Liz.