The Liz Moody Podcast - You’re Not Behind In Life: Real Science + Mindset Shifts You Need To Hear

Episode Date: July 21, 2025

So many of us feel like we’re ‘behind’ in life—we tell ourselves we should have more money, should already own a home, or should be having babies by now. But what’s happening in our psychology to make us feel this way? And how do we fix it? In this episode, I answer those questions and share science-backed insights and strategies to help you stop feeling ‘behind’ and start embracing where you are. We cover the arrival fallacy, gold medal syndrome, psychological richness, comparison, societal 'shoulds', and so much more. Whether you're questioning your path or just need a reminder that your life is unfolding exactly as it should, this episode is for you. Ready to uplevel every part of your life? Order Liz’s book 100 Ways to Change Your Life: The Science of Leveling Up Health, Happiness, Relationships & Success now!  Connect with Liz on Instagram @lizmoody or online at www.lizmoody.com. Subscribe to the substack by visiting https://lizmoody.substack.com/welcome. Use our discount codes from our  highly vetted and tested brand partners by visiting https://www.lizmoody.com/codes.  To join The Liz Moody Podcast Club Facebook group, go to www.facebook.com/groups/thelizmoodypodcast. Check out the previous episode of The Liz Moody Podcast discussed today: The Seven-Minute Secret To Happiness That No One Is Talking About with Dr. Dacher Keltner This episode is brought to you completely free thanks to the following podcast sponsors: Puori: go to Puori.com/LizMoody and use promo code LIZMOODY for up to 20% sitewide. LMNT: go to DrinkLMNT.com/LizMoody to get a free LMNT sample pack with any order. The Liz Moody Podcast cover art by Zack. The Liz Moody Podcast music by Alex Ruimy. Formerly the Healthier Together Podcast.  This podcast and website represents the opinions of Liz Moody and her guests to the show. The content here should not be taken as medical advice. The content here is for information purposes only, and because each person is so unique, please consult your healthcare professional for any medical questions. The Liz Moody Podcast Episode 348. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello friends and welcome back to the Liz Moody podcast. Today we're doing an episode that I need right now, so I'm making it in hopes that it'll help you too. This is something that I've grappled with a lot for the last year or two, the idea that I am behind in life. And because I see everything through that journalist lens after all of these years, I put on my research hat to explore. Why do I feel this way? Why do so many of the most successful people that I know feel this way? What is happening in our psychology and our perceptions and what is all of that being influenced by? I really didn't want to create like a candy mindset episode where I just tell you and myself that we're not behind in life for 30 minutes. And then it feels really good in the moment when you're listening or when I'm talking.

But then as soon as that hit wears off, we are all right back to where we started. I wanted real science. I wanted real meaty change. So that is what I created this episode to do. I want to start by just saying again, I often feel like I'm behind in life. When I say that to people, they're like, but Liz, you're married, you've published all of these books, you have this successful podcast. And I am so, so grateful for all of that.

But also, I am literally living out of a suitcase. I don't have a house. I cannot figure out how to have a baby timeline-wise in a way that fits in with my career. my podcast is successful, my books are successful, but I can point to people who are way more successful, people who are reaching an audience that I wish I could reach. And I say this, because I think it's important for all of us to internalize that the way that our life looks to us is so different from the way that it is seen from the outside. We tend to dismiss our own accomplishments. We tend to build up other people's successes. And I think starting with

that perspective is really important. I also want to say that I thought that success and wealth would be the antidotes to me feeling behind in life because that's what society essentially drills into our head from the day that we're born, especially in the U.S. And this is not a big double-blind study, but I haven't felt less behind as I have gained more money or success. And I know people who are way richer and way more successful than me, people who are brand name, celebrities, people who are literally billionaires, and many, many of them still have this feeling of being behind. There's a phenomenon where our brain tends to compare upward and aspire upward. So billionaires want to be the richest person in the world. The celebrities want to be

this iconic person that you'll remember decades and decades after they die, like a Marilyn Monroe. So we're always comparing upward to the people above us, but we are also wired for scarcity. because our brains want to protect us. I watched the Paris Hilton documentary during the pandemic, and I still think about this part where Paris is talking to her sister and Paris says, I will not stop until I make a billion dollars and then I think I can relax. And Nikki, her sister is like, but you're exhausted, you are so burnt out and you have tens of millions of dollars.

You do not need to keep going. And Paris is basically like, no, I am scared I'm going to lose it all. If I had a billion dollars, I would feel safe. And it was this really standout moment of the movie for me because here is this woman that has so much money, so much fame, really the ability to do whatever she wants in her life. And she doesn't feel like it's enough to feel safe. And of course, if she gets a billion dollars, she still won't feel like it's enough to feel safe. And I have heard this from so many incredibly wealthy people. First of all, many of these people

were driven to become incredibly wealthy in the first place because they did not feel safe. Not all wealthy people. There's obviously privilege and luck and different reasons that drive different people to different things. But a lot of wealthy people, whether they know it consciously or not, are motivated by this. And they're trying to make all of this money and thinking then they'll feel safe, then they'll feel loved. But the finish line for that keeps moving further and further out. And they think if they get to that new finish line, that will finally be the answer. But of course, it's not. Because the finish line is a lie. It was never real. And we're not going to talk about billionaires and celebrities for this entire episode. But I feel like looking at these extreme examples is helpful

because it demonstrates so clearly how little the way we feel is about the thing that we think we want. If we do not feel like enough without the partner or the kid or the house or the money, having those things will not make us feel like enough. Instead, that feeling of I need this to be enough will jump to something else. The core, the root thing that we need to tackle is that I'm not enoughness, but we focus on getting the things. We focus on the fake finish lines. I love the quote from Arthur C. Brooks. He is a happiness researcher at Harvard, and he says humans are meant for progress. not arrival. Scientists call it the arrival fallacy. And it's basically the idea that we think

when we get somewhere, that will be the key to our happiness. And universally, the research shows that this is just not true. In fact, the opposite is true where often after you get that thing, you are less happy because you no longer have the hope that that thing will make you happy or change your life. It literally has a name. People call it gold medal syndrome because Olympic athletes who get gold medals often go through a period of depression and hopelessness after. It also happens to Oscar-winning actors, to people after their wedding, the post-wedding blues, to founders after selling their company. I was just reading about the founder of Loom, who wrote an entire substack post about how lost

and sad he felt after selling Loom for $975 million, which I feel like is a scenario that many of us dream about. I'm going to read it too because I found it fascinating. Okay, he wrote, everything feels like a side-quoise. but not in an inspiring way. I don't have the same base desires driving me to make money or gain status. Honestly, I'm not the most optimistic about life. And then he says,

I've only started to realize that when Lume was in its early innings, I felt very secure with my position in life, and lots of this stemmed from the extreme gratitude for the journey I was on. I was happy with everything as it was. The growth trajectory of the company was more than I could ever dream for. I was happy. I felt secure. It could all turn to shit the next day, and that would be okay.

Humans are meant for progress, not arrival. In fact, not only are we not meant for arrival, we are really bad at it. It actively makes us feel awful to arrive, which is something I try to tell myself when I'm feeling behind in life when I'm rushing to check off box after box. When I arrive, when I get there, there's a good chance that I will feel worse than I do right now. And the only antidote to that is to enjoy the journey. So how the hell do we do that? How do we enjoy the journey?

There are a few things that I found really pragmatically helpful for enjoying the journey, for not feeling behind in life. First of all, even that word behind, it implies comparison. It implies an end destination. And I always think about the idea that if we are racing, if we are trying to get to the next thing and the next thing and the next thing, what is the way? at the end of that. It's death. The end of the race is death. The thing that we are rushing toward is death. I was listening to an interview with Michelle Obama recently that made me cry.

She was talking about how when her mom was dying, she pulled Michelle over and she said, wow, this went fast. And Michelle was like, what are you talking about? And her mom was like, life. Life went fast. It goes so fast. And when we, we, are racing through it when we are looking for the next thing and the next thing and the next thing. We're taking this thing that is already so short, so crazily short, and we're making it go by even faster. By looking at the future in that way, we are actually training our brain to seek out that type of reward, which makes that reward inherently less enjoyable. This is kind of confuddled, so stick with me here. But if you are training your brain to be scanning for the next thing to

work toward to feel happy. The second that you hit that thing, your brain will be scanning for the next thing to work toward to be happy because you have trained it to do that. When I catch myself scanning for the next thing, I actively stop. Sometimes I even say stop out loud. So I'll just like literally be sitting there by myself in a room and I'll be like, stop. It's a weird little psychology trick, but it's actually really effective. And then after I say stop, either in my head or out loud, I try to notice what I am enjoying about the present moment. That's more Arthur C. Brooks research. Happiness comes down to three things, enjoyment, satisfaction, and meaning.

So those are the three things that you can look for. Is there something that you are enjoying about this moment of the journey? Is there something that you are deriving satisfaction from? Or maybe there's something meaningful about it, even if it is in no way enjoyable in the moment. One of my favorite bits of psychology research that I never hear people talk about is that there's another key aspect of living a good life, that beyond happiness and meaning there's something called psychological richness that is an incredibly important element of a life well-lived. Basically, having perspective changing experiences with novelty and complexity are hugely contributive to our well-being. What I love about this research is that it completely reframes nonlinear paths and more difficult experiences is not only not being bad or harmful, but actually being a key component of a well-lived life. That career pivot,

that's valuable perspective that's contributing to your psychologically rich life. That divorce, that's complexity. That is heartbreak. That is novelty. Those are all key factors of a life well-lived. Your path deviating from whatever the norm is, that is you adding to your well-being. It is another vote for taking the risk, for taking the detour, for leaping in with your heart open, even if it means that it might break later. These are not bumps in the road to be avoided. These are key components of the journey. Psychological richness, man. Whenever anything bad happens to me, I now try to zoom out a bit and I think this is adding psychological richness to my life. This is part of my well-lived life. Feeling behind also implies comparison. And there are two things that I find most helpful when I find myself comparing myself to other people, which if you're feeling behind, you're definitely doing that.

Actually, there are three things. Actually, there are four things that I find most helpful when I find myself comparing myself to other people, which is a key, key part of feeling behind in life. The first is reminding myself that I'm only getting a teeny tiny sliver of somebody else's life. And I'm comparing that to my entire life. even our best friends, we're just getting a teeny tiny little sliver. I've talked about on the pod before how we tend not to be truly vulnerable with our friends because we have created this culture where we're afraid of being perceived or judged. And that makes this comparison problem even worse because most of us, even if we do not

mean to, are showing a shinier version of our lives to our friends and an even shinier version of our lives on social media. So we're seeing this shiny curated version of a life and we're comparing. that to a whole complicated real life that we are actually living. And to that point, if I am comparing myself to somebody else, I ask myself if I would trade their entire life for my entire life. So that means for me, no Zach, no podcast, no sister. And I have to not only take the parts of their life that are the sliver that I see, the shiny part that I see, but also I have to take the more challenging parts. And 99% of the time when I ask myself that, when I ask myself, would I trade every single

thing in my life for every single thing in their life? The answer is no. The mattress that you sleep on is one of the highest exposures that you have. Like if it's off gassing, you're breathing that in for basically a third of your life. And most conventional mattresses are loaded with synthetic foams, flame retardants, microplastics, and more. Plus, if it's not comfy, you're going to be tossing and turning. You're going to be really hot. And sleep is the. And sleep is the, foundation of health. It is so important. Because of all of this, if I were not going to invest in any other part of my house, no other things in my house, I would invest in my mattress. And in fact, I have four years well before I had much money to spend on any of these things because it is such a

big needle mover. The birch mattress is incredible. It is made with organic cotton, natural latex, and ethically sourced wool. So it has literally no off gassing. You can not smell anything right when you one boxed it has no microplastics, no synthetic foams or flame retardants. And the wool makes it so breathable, which if you've listened to this podcast for more than five minutes, you know that I run very, very hot, like I am a furnace. Zach has basically accepted that sleeping next to me is like sleeping next to like a little fire. And the birch mattress has been a game changer for that. It's made me sleep so much better. Like I can see my sleep score going up because I'm not hot all night long. It's also hypoallergenic, which is really worth paying attention to if you find yourself waking up stuffy or congested.

Dust mites in a conventional mattress can actually impact your breathing and your sleep quality without you even realizing it. And again, we need to be able to breathe to get good sleep and getting good sleep is the foundation of our health. And then comfort-wise, Zach sleeps on his back and then I sleep on my side and my stomach. So we have two completely different sleep styles and we both wake up feeling really good, no aches and pains. CNN actually named the Birch mattress, the best mattress for side sleepers, and Wired named it the best organic mattress period. So there you go. Burch has options for every kind of sleeper in your household. They have three firmness layers. I like the Lux Natural, which is the medium one. And then parents, they even have a Birch kid's natural mattress. Burch ships right to your door. It sets up in minutes,

and it comes with 120-night risk-free trial. So if it is not for you, they will pick it up for free. You have nothing to lose here. I want all of you to enjoy a deep, restful night sleep with a new mattress from Birch. Go to birchliving.com slash Liz Moody for 20% off. That is birchliving.com slash Liz Moody and you're going to get 20% off birchliving.com slash Liz Moody. I'm genuinely confused how masterclass gets literally the absolute top people in every single field to teach every single one of their classes. I use it when I want to learn things directly, like the cooking class from Thomas Keller has all of the wisdom that you would normally have to go to culinary school for. But also, I'm being honest, this is like a use case I don't hear a lot of people

talking about. I'll just watch it for entertainment when I want to do something that's far more interesting than scrolling. Christina Aguilera taught me to sing. Shan Boudrum's Art of Mastering Art of Mastering Confidence and Sex Appeal class is 10 out of 10. There's menopause classes with leading doctors. There's script writing with Mindy Kaling. Literally, you name it. They're on master class. and it is such a good way to get off your phone, but have something that's like not quite as long or hard to get into as a TV show or a movie and that it just keeps you entertained and interested.

And you are learning. There are over 200 classes from the world's best all for just $10 a month when billed annually. And you get unlimited access to every class on the platform so you can learn at your own pace whenever you want on your phone, your computer, or even in audio mode like a podcast. If you're looking to stop scrolling

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exposed to has a much greater impact on their little tiny systems. And they're running around on their little paws and then they're licking them. So I'm protecting them too. Brand basics is now available at Target.com, Amazon and branchbasics.com. So it's easier than ever to make the switch. And if you want to grab their premium starter kit, you can use code Liz Moody for 15% off at branchbasics.com. That's code Liz Moody for 15% off the premium starter kit at branchbasics.com. And when they ask you where you heard about us, please make sure to mention the show. That is branch basics.com and use code Liz Moody. The third thing that helps is just to spend less time on social media and more time curating what I do see when I am on social media.

I will not dwell on this because we all know it. But it will say that the times in my life that I feel the most behind are when I am spending the most time scrolling. Because think about what you post on social media. I am scrolling and I'm just seeing my friends buy houses and have babies and I am so happy for their wins. But I also compare them to my own. And again, I'm just seeing that teeny tiny sliver. And then the fourth thing that I find really helpful is using that comparison and honestly using feeling behind in general as information as a way of pointing to the things that I want in my life.

Be like a detective. what do the things that make you jealous say about your goals and your values? What are the things that make you feel behind say about what you want from your life? And then here is the harder part. Be brutally honest with yourself about if the way that you are living your life on a day-to-day basis is actually in line with those values and those goals and those desires. There are ways that the world gets in our way. And then there are ways that we get in our own way.

look for the latter and see if you can't use the fact that you feel behind as motivation to actually make the change that future you will thank you for. The other primary reason that I think many of us feel behind in life is because we are told basically from birth what life should look like. It has these beats like, but up, but up, go to college, get a job, get engaged, get married, have a kid. We are all living by these scripts that weren't written by us and that I think many of us aren't even aware of. To try to bring that sense of awareness into my life, I look for the word should in my life all of the time. I ask myself, why all of the time? Why do I want to own a house? Why do I want to have a kid? Which, of course, I did a whole podcast series about, so you very much witnessed

that wide journey. In fact, the very idea of being behind in life is contingent on shoulds, because otherwise, why would anyone be ahead? Why would anyone be behind? With no sure. shoulds, we would all be exactly where we are supposed to be because the only life that we are living is our own. I know from a lot of personal experience that the sheds can be very tricky to get rid of though, so I'm not going to leave you with like a wishy-washy, bring awareness to it. Change your mindset, shtick. Awareness helps. But the thing that I have found helps the most with the shoulds is actively looking for role models living all different types of lives. Our brain likes what it's seen before because our brain is designed to avoid risk.

if we have seen someone else make a choice, that choice feels safer. This happens fully at a subconscious level. Our brain is just trying to protect us. But it does that by subtly encouraging us to choose more well-trod paths. If we see somebody ahead on the path, we think, ah, okay, I can go that way. It is safe to go that way. It is okay to go that way. I know I tend to be fairly anti-social media.

I feel like I talk about using social media less than every single episode. but this is actually one of my all-time favorite uses of social media. Look for people living different lives than you. Look for people who sold their house to travel the world. Look for people living in a van. Look for people who never got married and they were living with their best friends instead. Look for people who had babies and look for people who didn't. And look for people who are stay-at-home parenting and look for people who are working full-time.

Look for people who had a big old wedding and people who decided that marriage wasn't that important to them. There are so many people living so many lives out there. Seek them out and use them to teach your brain how to be free of the single narrative that it has been fed for your entire life. The happiest, happiest people that I know are living lives free of shoulds. They are questioning their choices and they're living intentionally. They are not doing things because their parents did it or their best friend did it or they saw it in a movie once. You have one life. This is it. I promise, I promise that you will regret living it the way someone else wants you to. As a matter of fact, the number one regret that people have at the end of their lives is I wish I'd had the courage

to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me. Basically, I wish I hadn't let the shoulds control me. I wish I had lived my own life, my own dreams. And if you go down the list of the things that people regret the most at the end of their lives, the other regrets people have are, I wish I hadn't worked so hard, I wish I had the courage to express my feelings, I wish I'd stayed in touch with my friends, and I wish I had let myself be happier. Do you notice what's missing? People are not regretting, not having gotten a raise by a certain age, or having gotten engaged by a certain age. Their regrets, actually, if you zoom out, are much more about enjoying the journey. Because like Michelle Obama's mom said, it goes far, far quicker

than we think it will. I just had a close friend who is my age get a cancer diagnosis, and that was right after my father-in-law died. It has been a year full of loss. It's been a year full of grief. And it just makes it so abundantly clear what matters in this life. We have one journey on this planet and we have no real idea how long it will last. It's been such a hard year emotionally, but one of the biggest silver linings is how clear it makes it that every single day that we get to be here is an extraordinary gift, that every single day that we get to belly laugh with our friends or snuggle our pet or eat a delicious piece of chocolate is an incredible gift. I did a podcast with Dr. Docker Keltner. He is my old UC Berkeley professor. And the podcast was all about

awe, which he talked about being one of the best things for our happiness and our health. Like it actually has real benefits for our inflammation levels and our immune system, like our physical health, but also our happiness. And he talks about how, yes, we can find awe in amazing art and contemplating galaxies that are really far away. But one of my favorite tips that he shared in that episode is that the best way to find awe is just, to look at something a little bit longer. Any normal old thing, a flower on your daily walk, the cup of tea in your hands, the phone that you're listening to this episode on, look at it a little bit longer and more than likely

you'll begin to feel awe because there is awe all around us. Our lives, the moments of our days are filled with awe. The real secret to true and lasting happiness isn't. hunting down extraordinary milestones. It's not trying to get to the next thing quicker. It's realizing that your life is filled with extraordinary moments every single day. I hope this was helpful. I want to reiterate that this is something that I very much deal with too. And I made this episode as much for myself as I did for you guys. And I hope that we can all help each other, truly embrace these concepts and change the way that we feel about our lives. And I'm not.

lives. I want you to know that you are not alone. You are so not alone. If there is anybody that you know that feels behind in life that you think would benefit from everything that we talked about in this episode, please do send them a link to the episode. It is an amazing way to support your friends and also to support this show. We have grown so much this year. And it's all because of you guys sharing episodes and writing reviews on Apple Podcasts and Spotify and following us on Apple podcast and Spotify and on YouTube. And it's really just so appreciated. I can't express my gratitude for that enough for this community and to get to have these conversations with you. It's my dream in life and you guys make it possible. You can find our newsletter, the takeaway at Liz Moody.

Substack.com. We are sharing our monthly favorite soon. That's always one of my favorite posts of the month. So do not miss out on that. We also have transcripts for every episode. We have behind the scenes content, just lots of good stuff there that you can't find anywhere else. If you heard a discount code for a product in this episode, you can find all of those listed out at Liz Moody.com slash codes, as well as all of our vetted, tested brand partners, including mattress companies. We've got online fitness. We've got the healthiest meat that I have ever eaten.

It's also so, so tasty. They have a really cool, like, snack stick product that's so good for on the go. We have amazing organic skin care. So much good stuff there. Really great discounts on incredible products. So check that out at Liz Moody. dot com slash codes. Lastly, come hang out on Instagram.

I'm trying a ton of new stuff over there in hopes of best helping and serving you and making social media something that is as good for our brains as possible. So go check that out. Let me know what you think. I'm very open to feedback. This is all experimental at this phase. But I am at Liz Moody on Instagram and on TikTok. Okay, I love you.

I love that we get to explore these types of topics together. And I will see you on the next episode of the Liz Moody podcast. Oh, just one more thing. It's the legal language. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. It is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, a psychotherapist, or any other qualified professional. When you think about strength and resilience, like your ability to feel energized, to recover well, to stay strong as you get older, what do you think that actually comes from? Most people say working out or good nutrition, and yes, of course that matters. But there is a biological foundation underneath all of that that most people are

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This has become a staple supplement for me. It is my top way to support how I want to look and feel as I age. Support your cells and how you age with mitopure gummies from time. Visit timeline.com slash Liz and save up to 39% on your mitochondere gummies. That is timeline.com slash Liz. The number one rule of habits is to make the things that you want easier and the things that you don't want harder. Yet so many of us want to eat healthier, but so few of us actually take the steps to make eating healthier easier. That's where Marley Spoon comes in. What I love about this company and what's different than all of the other companies out there that are doing like stuff in

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