The Luke and Pete Show - 4 Toilet Donaldson

Episode Date: May 5, 2025

Luke’s on a mission to become the most pasty man in Britain, while Pete’s seriously considering a Juicy Couture tracksuit… naturally. Then, the lads weigh in on the Eubank Jr vs Benn fight, the legacy of their famously fiery dads, and Luke recalls being genuinely terrified of Nigel Benn as a ten-year-old.Also on the docket: is it ever okay to let a builder use your toilet? Pete probably wouldn’t mind, he’s got four, and Luke is absolutely astounded!Email us at [e-mail] or you can get in touch on X, Threads or Instagram if character-restricted messaging takes your fancy.***Please take the time to rate and review us on Apple, Spotify or wherever you get your pods. It means a great deal to the show and will make it easier for other potential listeners to find us. Thanks!*** Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hi, it's Morgan from Off the Shelf and I'm here to tell you how my Google Pixel 9 helps me read more. Google actually gifted me this phone and now I use it non-stop. The other day, I was trying to remember the name of this book someone recommended and instead of spiraling into a 40 minute social media scroll, I just asked Gemini on my Pixel. What's that romantic book with a competition and a ghost helping her through the trials. It's like having that one friend who always knows what you're talking about. Learn more about the Google Pixel 9 at store.google.com. It's the terrible pasty man of the Luke and Pete show.

How are you doing? Pete Olsen with you. I'm joined by Mr. Lukey Moo. Lukey Moo we're both wearing quite similar tops. I think it's fair to say. Yes, first of all I am pasty and I tend to be pasty all year round. So you know what you're going to get with me. It's reliable in terms of the skin pallor. I'm wearing what can be only described as almost like a shirt made from a cross between like a 13th century French cheesemaker's smock and a kind of Hessian potato sack type. I'm thinking TP.

Yours is Terry Towling. Mine's just a constant, it just sucks a bottle of water really I suppose. I imagine it might go shiny if I absorb any more water. It's velour, you're wearing velour. You're probably in Essex now wearing velour. I might get some Juicy Couture Velour tracksuit bottoms. I'd love that. With Juicy on the posterior,

except it would be false advertising. Or Paul's Bootleg on the posterior, yeah. How's things with you mate? There's another week, another week closer to the grave. Death's sweet release. Yeah, another week. We've both got Death's sweet release. Yeah, another week. We've both got mustaches as well. We've got mustaches.

I turned 44 this week, which is good. Yeah. It's a pleasure you got your age right now because you were under an illusion. I was. A delusion. Delusion. Imagine if I was genuinely,

I don't know where it would come up to be honest. There's nothing that really allowed, I would have to learn like a lot of references that I don't really have in me locker to pretend I was 35. I think your modern references are quite obscure. Yeah, exactly. Even the ones that are knocking about now, you have to kind of explain them because they're

kind of quite deep internet dives. Yeah, that's a bit of a shame really that, but I don't know what the kids of 35 are into, one might suggest, Analog photography? Have we got anyone that works here about that age? Charlie? I guess he's a bit younger. What's he up to? He wears Terry Towlin. He wears Towlin tops. Charlie takes his fashion quite seriously. I don't know if I could say that about you. I mean you do in a way. Yeah, in the same way that a clown probably takes his makeup quite seriously.

Yeah, like it's a very specific outfit that has to be adhered to otherwise people don't know what you are. Yeah, I was walking around with curry sauce all over my body yesterday. Where from? From the bin. I've been having a lot of bin mishaps lately. Yeah, you talk about bins a lot. Yeah, well I try to get rid of the paint on my concrete with white... The Fox pour prints? bins a lot of the way. Yeah, well I tried to get rid of the paint on my concrete with white... The Fox paw prints? The Fox paw prints with white spirit and a pressure washer, that's not really worked. There's a little family of foxes in the school next door to the office, I just saw them basking in the sun. Well they seem to put signs up saying don't bother the

foxes, I think the foxes don't care. I think the foxes can deal with whatever you can throw at them. Yeah, I have every reason to dislike foxes, but I can't help but admire them as I told you before. One of them gave my cat an abscess, one of them tore my garden up, but I admire them. I saw a great video online, I might have shared it with you, of some people who were sabotaging a fox hunt. Yes. Because obviously fox hunting is illegal in the UK and shouldn't have been happening, but obviously people turn a blind eye or whatever. And the way they sabotaged a fox hunt is they hid and waited for the posh sods with plums

in their mouths to go into a port-a-loo. Yes. And then they tied the port-a-loo together and tipped it over. Yeah, but weren't, wasn't there two people in that port-a-loo together and tipped it over. But weren't there two people in that port-a-loo? What do you reckon they were doing? Well, I don't know. I just don't think the fox hunt is... It's either a little sucky sucky or a little sniffy sniffy. It really was. Which one is it? Perhaps both. Perhaps a sniffy then a sucky.

Well, yes, exactly. A little bit of key... I mean, either way... Perhaps it was the slug. It's a terrible place to do maybe the slugs in the toilet and he was and he just wasn't wasn't even spied. You couldn't fit in one I don't think I think in those Portaloos the septic tank is quite small. I reckon you could fit in one, five minutes, I reckon we could fit into it. To be honest Nextdoor's having their roof converted, loft converted, loft converted, and the entirety of their roof is just off, open to the elements, which is very exciting

indeed. Must be a cover. There is, yeah, they've made a wonderful kind of like Reading Festival style speaker construction over the top with plastic sheeting and matting and stuff. And they've got a port-au-lou outside. I guess people do need to go to the toilet. Would you not say to them you can use the toilet in my house or does it just get a bit dirty?

I think it gets a bit dirty. But they're in the roof aren't they? They're probably close to an upstairs toilet aren't they? But I guess in polite society you don't want builders coming down and just, you know, they've been drinking Monster Energy drinks since 6am. What do you want them shitting all over the place? You so have you. You've got to go to the toilet somewhere. Yeah, it's a good point. But my my my house has only got one bathroom. So if it was if that was happening at our house,

I would respect and appreciate the use of a portaloon. But if you've got more than one bathroom, right? Yeah, I just think, come on, how many people are on the job? Five or six of them? I have four toilets. What, your house? Holy shit, really? I have four toilets, yeah.

How? You never said that before. I mean, we've not literally plumbed the depths. One's in the cabin. You've got one in the cabin? There's one in the cabin, yeah. Do you ever have to leave the cabin. So you got one in the cabin? There's one in the cabin. Yeah. Well, because it used to be like, it used to be a reflexology. I do, I just keep working on my wood.

You can't get in. It's just too much wood. It's just a cupboard basically. But yeah, well, it was a reflexology studio, wasn't it? That I've turned into the place where Bad Podcasts are made. It's the toilet that's still functional. Yeah, it's still functional. I mean, it's one of those toilets where like,

if you leave it for a while, the water starts to look a bit weirdly greasy and you're like, oh, I don't like that. I'm flushing that right down. Yeah, and there's a little toilet downstairs, under the stairs. Yeah, you've got an ensuite of it. And there's a really awful bathroom on the middle level

that nobody likes to use, apart from me and Baby. And then there's a swanky one with Italian in the loft conversion. Goodness me. Goodness me. You are living the high life. Living the high life, aren't I? Yeah. You've got 400% more toilets than me.

I could start, I don't think I could start one poo, nip it off, run to the next one. I don't know where this is going. And they can all meet up in the sewer. Where would you, so it's like a little race? Little race, yeah, so you get there first. Little poo stick, but with poo. Would you, which, can you rank, give me your home bathroom power rankings.

Um, yeah, but just for timber capacity, the one next to me is absolutely perfect. Like, you just keep so much timber in there. So much, there's a drum kit, there's a drum kit, some timber. There's a drum kit in there? The boxes, yeah. How big is it? An electric drum kit that I swore to Sarah was a great investment.

That moves the dial slightly. Why on earth have you bought an electric drum kit? I've never heard of you playing the drums before. I think I was a bit more flush a few years ago. Unintended? Yes. Now it's next to the flush. I wouldn't use it as storage. I'll be enjoying it. I do think it's one of those things where you sort of go, right, next elderly person who needs a house will probably be in it. So I'll probably have to convert it at some point I reckon to instead of a place where timber is held. And if you're doing, because I mean you probably do some really stinky ones, why wouldn't you

just do them down the apology cabin save on the embarrassment? I think people know what I'm about at this point. I don't think they're surprised by any poops that I do to be honest. Does it gall you even more when one of your dogs does a toilet on the floor knowing there's so many toilets in the house? In the grand scheme of like, law of averages, your dog should be much more likely to be taking a shit in the right place. Oh yeah, there's just so many different options I suppose yeah. Well I mean he's always got an eye on the old outside little sofa we've got. He's always trying to poo on that but I waft him away. He's not allowed. He's not allowed on it.

No fair enough. I can't believe that's never come up before. That's an incredible development. Fort Wyatt Dawson. That's like two drags Prescott isn't it? It is a bit. How many bedrooms in your house? The house is not impressive but the toilet, there's lots of toilets. I was literally never invited so I wouldn't be able to vouch for that. How many bedrooms in your house? You didn't invite me to your house!

You invited me once to look at a computer! You've been to my house! That's not an invitation, that's an obligation! That's what you like doing! That's what I did, that's true! I've even accommodated you there! I was trying to open the back of it and you didn't have any screwdrivers for me! to look at a computer! That's not an invitation, that's an obligation! That's what you like doing! That's true, you're right. I've even accommodated you there!

I was trying to open the back of it and you didn't have any screwdrivers for me. Awful house. Boo! Boo! Not only have I invited you to my house when you visited, I took the time to put on entertainment as well. What, you showed me the... It's some old computers!

It's some old computers! I haven't got any screwdrivers forvers to get in the back of them. So there we go. I'm just saying, I wouldn't know what the makeup of your house is because you never invited me. I've never invited anybody. Because I know for a fact that Southend is miles away and I would not put that on you. I've invited, like my partner's invited enough people where you can tell by the time they

get here they're pissed off. You can just tell. You can just tell. I've been around where you live because I've been to visit Big Pav. You've been to visit Big Pav and you didn't visit Fort Toilets Donaldson? No, because you, I mean, you're just not interested in having me over. You visited Big Pav and I was here. That's bullshit.

I can't believe you were there or not. That is the bullshit, Sunshine. He lives around the corner from me. I've not visited Big Pav yet. You're probably on holiday or something. Right. Oh how very convenient. Peter's on holiday. Quick as a way. Go to fucking Leon C. I'd love to. I mean I didn't even, presumably you had some kind of housewarming party. No. Didn't have any housewarming party. You know what it's like moving bloody house. And to be honest, it's like every,

like one summer we had, I was just fixing up everything that would be fixed up, then baby, and then it's just been fucking hell on earth since then really. Yeah, ever since. Fox art installations all over the gaff. So have you managed to track down the fox that did the dirty?

Well, I imagine he's very white. The amount of paint he's got on his paws bless him. Bless him indeed. Like I said to you before they're a very successful species you can't help but admire them. Oh changing trains did you see the boxing at the weekend? I did I texted you I knew you'd be watching it and what a good... You texted me something that didn't make any sense? Well, we'll have to explain who Mark whatever his name is. There's a man who I love on Instagram who is an Irish expat bloke who lives in Hong Kong.

Yeah, very camp. And he's very camp, very stocky, very portly you'd say. wears very tight shirts and sort of talks like this. And he's doing... That sounds a little bit problematic when you do that. Why? He genuinely does sound like that but it sounds like you're trying to do a leprechaun voice. No, leprechauns are talking like this, they told you. That's a leprechaun's voice, isn't it?

Stop doing it. It's like a sort of spooky skeleton. It genuinely does sound like that. It definitely does sound like that. And basically he's doing, I can't tell whether he's involved in a project called Highlife Asia or he's trying to start a reality TV show called Highlife Asia. Yeah, I think he's making it up as he goes along based on the output. Yeah, and it's this chaotic, breathless, uncut gem style, sort of set of Instagram videos, reels and stuff, where he's just going up the endless escalators of Hong Kong or down

the endless escalators of Hong Kong, walking past the beautiful trams they've got. I love Hong Kong, I think it's one of the most unique cities for obvious reasons in the world. And he has got it all in my opinion, he gets to live in Hong Kong. But he just spends his time filling himself, walking around Hong Kong, going to like British Marks and Spencers and stuff and buying sausages. I find his lifestyle very depressing, you say he's got it made, to me it's awful. And he's always got like sort of visible scabs on his face where he's stressed out about it. I think he's been stress picking.

But what's this got to do with Chris Eubanks Jr versus Connor Bench? Because the way he films it is very breathless. It's like, welcome to Highlight Asia! And he's... And the way he cuts it is really... He'll sometimes stretch words that don't even be stretched into three different sentences and sometimes words will take two seconds to say that take a lot longer. It's really... Mark Burn, I think he is on Instagram, worth a follow. And he... And it's like that.

It's a really breathless, I couldn't catch my breath watching it and that he's what I'm into at the moment. And that is what watching the last four or five rounds of that match, that boxing match, yeah boxing match was like. But I think that the problem is that you, as you've just explained to me that that kind of makes sense, but you just send that in one WhatsApp message saying those last rounds were like watching that man walking around Hong Kong talking about his reality TV show. And you just expect when it's lazy comms, you're making me

fill the blanks in there. Doing the kind of mental gymnastics to work out what you mean. I'm just trying to enjoy the fight, mate. You know what I mean? I'm not... I'm on other WhatsApp groups with mates of mine who like boxing. I'm getting some boxing chat on there. I'm second-screening it to an extent. I just don't think you're meeting me halfway there. No, you're probably right. Did you enjoy the fight?

I did enjoy the fight. I never watch boxing, but he's... You pay for it or do you stream it? I don't think you need to know what I do with money. Disrespectful for two men putting their lives on the line, am I? Yeah, I know you're punching the shit out of each other, it's basically the only place in the UK where people can legally be killed. How do you even get that though? And they're putting their lives on the line, but you know what, I don't fancy paying 18.99.

I forgot it was on! It would take me so long to get my credit card out and get Now TV or whatever the fuck I needed. So I just clicked my little button and just had a little look at the last four rounds, all right? You disgust me, Donaldson. The legacy of 35 years standing. All right. Okay. Yeah, no, it was good though, wasn't it?

Admittedly, it's like a poor imitation of that and a shadow of what the dads were like. But do you not think that boxing needs a match like that because it was quite good? Yeah, well, it was good in the kind of, this is potentially problematic kind of way. Yeah. Which I mean that Chris Ubanjia should never have been fighting so light and was probably massively dehydrated, hence he spent the last few days in the hospital. Colin O'Byrne was fighting a guy much bigger than him and they were both absolutely cooked for the last five rounds, which means they're far more likely to get seriously injured.

But I guess, you know, the other side of that is that they wanted to do it. They, no one made them do it. They're getting paid a shit ton of money. They've chosen to do it. So I guess if we're comfortable as viewers of that, I'm kind of ambivalent about it, but I am a boxing fan. I just... Yes, it's a good narrative, isn't it? I mean, it's really, it kind of writes itself, right? Two massive rivals from back in the 90s, both their sons are now boxers at a decent level, and now they want to fight each other as well. They made up that they hate each other because

their dads are quite good friends now, I think. But it's, yeah. Is Ben's son, aka Ben, is- Ben Ben. Ben Ben. Ben 10. Is he- Benjamin Ben 10. Is he a fucking psycho like his dad? Well, I remember, do you know something? So when he fought Chris Eubank in, when Nigel Ben fought Chris Eubank, I think it was 1990.

I was certainly around 10 years old. And Nigel Ben was doing that whole Dark Destroyer coming onto the charms of Big Ben thing, looking like getting himself so angry because he had to to fight. I remember being 10 and my uncle and my granddad letting me watch it. It was on ITV or something at the time. And it was in the UK. I remember thinking, I'm frightened. I'm frightened of this man. And Chris Eubank himself said to the Chris Eubank Nigel Ben rivalry was so big that I think for the rematch, they televised the signing of the contract and did it like a chat show.

And Adam sat together and Chris Eubank refused to look at Nigel Ben because he said that he's they televised the signing of the contract and did it like a chat show. Yes. And Adam sat together and Chris Eubank refused to look at Nigel Ben because he said that he's got no class and I don't like how he lives his life and I can't be associated with him so I can't look at him. And then later on Chris Eubank said, I was absolutely fucking terrified of him. So I didn't want to look at him because I'd be worried I'd lose my bottle if I did. And of course he wanted to win so he beat him. So it was yeah, Connor Ben has definitely got that nasty streak in him I think. Which kind of a lot

of boxers would feel like you have to have. Well he looked like at the end. I mean the most barbaric thing about that whole thing and I've seen videos of boxers and UFC guys making weight. Um, that is the worst bit. Like that just seems like a, a, an obscene. If you can't, if you're not in the right range to make that way, uh, you know, very easily, how is that allowed? You are, you are like ice chips and fucking, um, those little fucking caterpillar things and going on the bike and sitting in the sauna and you know,

the fucking, the trainers lost fucking six pounds or something just sitting in the sauna with him. There's a lot of practices that I think push up against the very limit of what is acceptable and sensible. All I would say is it used to be worse. They now do the weigh-in, I think 48 hours before the fight, they used to be worse. They now do the weigh in, I think 48 hours before the fight, they used to do it on the day of the fight. There was not even any time to rehydrate properly or fuel yourself. And now what happens under a lot of boxing associations,

the fighters come in a lot heavier in their listed weight because they pile it on. But I've heard Tony Bellew say that to make Cruiser weight, he claims that he lost like 16 pounds in like two days. Did you say like salt baths and like getting a big sauna? They used to do stuff like go for runs with bin liners and strap around them and stuff like that. Yeah, it's absolutely just him coming out of that fucking, that sort of weird sort of cocoon and he is dripping, dripping in sweat.

You're basically losing a little bit, because you're not even, at that point, obviously they don't have, they've got a very low percentage of body fat anyway, if you look at how ripped they are. There's just a water weight they're losing really. Yeah. It's absolutely foul. That'll probably be, I mean I don't know, obviously you've got absolutely no medical qualifications whatsoever as anyone listening to this show will know by now. That'll be the brain of Danny Sting, won't it? It's got to be linked to why he's just been in the hospital for the last few days.

Oh yeah, got to be. I mean, it's just astonishing. It's a miracle. And by the end, like, it was really, like, obviously Ben had the upper hand, but you'd still felt that Eubank, if he just got one big fucking hit on him, that was going to be... Because he's so so much bigger wasn't he? Yeah, yeah it was really exciting. I didn't think it was as big a wider decision as they said it was but I mean it's not the

worst boxing decision I've ever seen. Bloody hell. No. There'll probably be a rematch I expect. I enjoyed it on Saturday night, I did. I have to say I had a good time watching it. I like the entrances as well. I love Chris Eubanks Sr. He's like a proper, authentic eccentric.

Well they were kind of estranged, weren't they apparently? And then he turned up. Was that just a bit of razzle dazzle? Was that a bit of razzle dazzle? Probably a little bit of razzle dazzle, but K-Fab as you would say. Right, okay. But have you seen that video of Chris Eubank trying KFC for the first time? I have, yeah. It's so good. It just seems like, I think he doth protest too much.

He wasn't at KFC, he still is. No, I think he's, I'm not what you mean. It's like, you know, there's videos you see of like, jazz drummer listens to Enter Sandman for the first time. Yeah, there's been a few quite recently recently like, have you fucking, you liar. I saw recently where it was like a professional, a classically trained musician who seemed on the face of it quite normal listening to Thunderstruck by ACDC. You've spent your life living in America, there's no fucking way you've never heard Thunderstruck by ACDC for the first time. You've lived, you've spent your life living in America. There's

no fucking way you've never heard Thunderstruck by ACDC. You'd have to, I mean, it'd be like a game show to go, that's on, that is on radio in the United States probably 55 times a day. There's no way you've never heard Thunderstruck. This guy's in his 50s. I could see it, I could see where you maybe got like that thread, that thing that's really popular on YouTube, that type of stuff. Oh, the person listens to this for the first time and then plays along to it. It's a really good content idea, but I think it works with maybe a 15 year old little Lord Fonteroy who's grown up listening to him playing like classical piano. How good are

his musical chops? I mean let's actually genuinely authentically see how much, how perfect his pitch is, how he can play, how long it takes him. That would be good. But I just think these other ones are so fake it's unbelievable. Yeah, completely agree, completely agree. I had this guy who was like the drummer with, jazz drummer, but with like, I think he drummed with Mars Volta, right? Right. At one point. And they were playing him like Metallica songs and he's going, oh yeah, I'm not this ball of fuck off. Come on. Oh, I've actually like, played it and it's almost exactly the same and even better.

Oh, was I right? I've improved the song, if anything. Disagree. I've never seen a drum before. Ooh, what's this? What is this? Oh, turns out I'm amazing at it. Good. Wearing it as a hat. It looks like a big hat. You should get the drummer out of ACDC to listen to some jazz. I'd love to get, I mean you could get like maybe some kind of African tribal drum or something. Right. Yeah. It's like when

they used to get elders, like tribal elders to try like chocolate they've never tried. They like live in the middle. There's a Maasai tribe, I've got a really good Instagram account where they spend a lot of time. But the thing is I noticed recently... Doing a lot of foot stuffer, day. Day. It's the branch of the Maasai that do all the tourism stuff. Right, okay, yeah.

So like, I don't think they're as, like, you know, out of the loop stuff. Right, okay, yeah. So like, I don't think they're as like, you know, out of the loopers. As they say, yeah. Because it's like, oh, the Masai tried pizza for the first time, come on. You've got tourists visiting you every day. It's bread and it's cheese, come on. Got an iPhone, come on. Yeah, anyway. Peter, let's have a break. When we come back, we've been told that we have to do some emails or we're going to be in big trouble. So let's make sure we do that. Oh, uh-oh. All right then.

Hi, it's Morgan from Off the Shelf, and I'm here to tell you how my Google Pixel 9 helps me read more. Google actually gifted me this phone, and now I use it nonstop. The other day, I was trying to remember the name of this book someone recommended, and instead of spiraling into a 40-minute social media media scroll I just asked Gemini on my pixel. What's that romantic book with a competition and a ghost helping her through the trials? The book you're likely thinking of is Phantasma by Kaylee Smith. Here's a breakdown of why it fits your description. It's like having that one

friend who always knows what you're talking about. Learn more about the Google Pixel 9 at store.google.com We're back with a new picture. How the devil are you doing? We got to do some emails to cry out loud Luke. We have to do the bloody emails. Before we do them, can I just say one thing that I forgot to say before the break? Right. Speaking about African like tribal drumming and stuff. Have you seen Beware of Mr Baker? No, I'm familiar with it. Yeah. At one point he, he just, he has a whole period of his life where, it's about Ginger Baker who's the drummer for Cream, and he's very eccentric to say the least, and he's dead now. He goes through this period of his life where he's just spending every night going around his mate's house, he's a jazz drummer, and shooting up heroin and listening to field

recordings of African tribal drums. And it obviously seems like a really bleak but also quite a great time. So just loving it. Completely agree. Completely agree. Anyway, Peter, what about this? Let's just bang through a couple of these, shall we? Roy. I can't believe we've got a listener called Roy.

Hi Roy. Roy. Roy. That's Pat Butcher from. Hi Roy. Roy. Roy. That's Pat from East Enders. Roy. Well there was a Roy in Coronation Street wasn't there? Yes there was, Roy Cropper.

Roy Cropper. Ran the cafe. I'd love to see, remember when, didn't he go out with a transgender lady? He did. I'd love to see how wonderfully different the presentation was you know 15 years ago. Probably wasn't even that long ago as well. It was probably about 15 years ago. This is the thing about this, without getting into this, now we'll get into Roy's email, like at the risk of making myself sound the most out of touch old bloke in history,

right, so there was a trans woman on Coronation Street, main character, I remember her, right, she was married to Roy Roy I think, they ran the cafe together at least. Dahlia from Big Brother. Nadia, Nadia. Ultimately no one cared. Nobody does care. But they were being told that over and over again people do care. Nadia from Big Brother, in whatever year it was now, it was 2004 right, so it was 20 years ago, a long

time ago now, she fucking won it in a public vote. People don't care, this doesn't matter. People fundamentally don't care, but people can make money and people can get power by isolating these kind of fringe concerns. It doesn't show you how far the culture war has come. Yes, yeah. That we've sort of winded back. 21 years ago, you know, when people, when this is 10 years before these fucking big little Britain guys are doing this fucking racist stuff and getting away with it.

10 years before that, a trans woman's winning big brother and no one cares, people voting for her. It shows you, doesn't it, how much, how successful the internet and certain figures on the internet are whipping people up into a frenzy about shit that's basically completely inconsequential. And, and the stuff like, you know, this idea about how people are suddenly all of a sudden very frightened or claim to be fearing for their own safety around trans women and stuff. It's like, do you have any idea how dangerous it is to be a woman in the UK generally, statistically? No, there's hundreds of thousands of like sexual assaults reported every year. And the people who are complaining or quote unquote

worried for the safety of women have done absolutely nothing about that. No. Nothing. And not one thing to make the world or the country safe, a place for women generally. So why on earth are you suddenly really concerned now about a very specific issue that affects a tiny fraction of a percentage of the population when you didn't give a fuck for 50, 100 years about the safety of women generally? It's such a fucking bit of sophistry. It's unbelievable. People can't see through it. It takes up such an outdated, outsized portion

of the discourse in this country. It's a fucking waste of time. How many... You sort of got like someone in like my dad's, you know, walking around a hearty pool. How many trans people do you see? How many Muslim people do you see? How many of you, it's just all, it's just all these sort of, these kind of things that are weaponised and just handed out to people to sort of be, now be angry about this, when fundamentally, I think I was reading, I think I probably said it on the show, but like out of like half a million college, college, like official sort of athletes or something in America. There's like 10 trans ones, 10 out of half a million. It absolutely fucking dominates. It dominates everything.

My goodness me. Astonishing. Anyway, Roy. Sorry about that Roy. Roy's the real one who's up to weight. Roy's the real Roy around here. He is. I don't trust these Roy's. I mean, to be fair to Roy, I mean this with love, and I'm very, very grateful that you got in touch, but it's an inconsequential email at best, this. Yeah, we've sort of bookended it with some quite important things now. I think the show should be a Roy-free zone, actually. I don't want him in the Luke and Pete show space. I want Roy out.

Do you fear for your safety? I fear for your safety? I fear for my safety. There's too many Roy's in my life. He says, hello Luke and Pete. I'm just emailing him with an idea for the title of a UFO podcast if it ever gets off the ground. Well, Roy, it won't get off the ground because Pete won't do it with me. Won't do it. Will not do it. He says, as you suggested, it would largely involve Luke out staring at the skies on a moor and to fit in neatly with another one of your podcast, A Broad in Japan, it's A Moor on a Moor. Yeah, I think you could do something more with a moor, which was the French word for love. But we won't do a UFO

show because Pete, it doesn't like his worldview challenge. Wasn't Shakespeare's time, wasn't a moor like a Turkish man? Yeah, a moor on a moor with a moor. Yeah? A more and a more with a more. In love. I think you might be getting confused there. I don't have the education to be able to correct you, I'm afraid. And my keyboard is too loud to clack away and find out. Have a little tap.

Have a little tap. All right. More. Othello was a more, wasn't he? Who? Othello was a more, wasn't he? He might be. Mr. Moore of Venice.

My Shakespeare education is severely lacking I'm afraid. I once listened to an amazing desert island disc about the historicity of Shakespeare and it was fascinating. It was really good. It was initially used to describe people from the ancient Rome province which is now North Africa. But over time it just meant people with dark skin. So yeah. Shakespeare. I was reading the other day, on that note, I was reading the other day there's been three African popes. Did you know that? Oh right, okay. What, there was, what? Hang on, what? Hang on. Yeah, there's been three African popes. Oh, I guess, don't you get sort of, what, from birth? Somewhere in Africa. Well, yeah, because I guess a lot of like Christian, a lot of Catholics sort of dotted around. Well, because it was the

Roman Empire, right? And the Roman Empire went all the way to North Africa, of course. And then there's interesting. There was like three popes. The most recent ones like 1500 years ago, but I think all three of them were kind of from Tunisia, kind of that kind of area, or maybe Libya, something like that. It's a major thing, really. It's quite interesting.

Yeah, I was going to say something else to you, then I forget what it is now. Um, yes, yes, the Shakespearean It was quite interesting. I was going to say something else to you. I forget what it is now. Yes. Yes. Shakespearean episode of that, of that nature on desert island dish. You should listen to it because he's known as like quite a few conspiracy theories about whether Shakespeare actually I existed and B wrote what he lay claim. He wrote some of the guy behind it. A lot of people, the biggest. The strongest argument against Shakespeare being authentic apparently is that he somehow had an idea of a really accurate inner workings of the court. Oh right, yeah. And there was no way he would have had access to them in his background and stuff.

The actual workers like royal courts and stuff like that apparently is absolutely spot on and no one knows how he was able to do that. He could have just met someone in a pub though couldn't he? Had a chat with him. Be my guy. I wish you were on the Desert Island Disney. I love if that was your contribution around the table of those academics. Well you know what? Have you guys ever been to the pub? Where's the at the start of the play? Well because in a book you would get like acknowledgements wouldn't you? In a play you don't really get that do you? He wants to take all the glory for himself. Exactly, thanks for Dave who worked in the court. Let me know about how the court worked.

Yeah, could be. Could be, he's done his research at the very least. Let's finish with this email from Benjamin. He says, hi guys, I found out a couple of weeks ago how Oliver Reed, the actor who played Proxima in Gladiator,, which I've attached to this email. I think we can all agree this is one of the best ways to go when the day eventually comes, unless you can think of anything better. Thank you, Ben. He says I'm originally from Winchester, but I'm currently in Leeds for university. I know I already knew how I'll read that. It's

quite a famous story, but in case you didn't, Peter, or our listeners didn't, I'll have read down to a half stack in a bar after downing three bottles of Captain Morgan's Jamaica rum eight bottles of German beer Numerous doubles of famous grouse whiskey and Hennessy cognac and beating five much younger raw Navy soldiers at arm wrestling And his final bar bill was 270 Maltese liter, which is about 450 pounds I read the report that said he died after arm wrestling, insisting upon arm wrestling everyone in the bar, including his wife, which I thought was a funnier way to go. I mean, the man was an absolutely insatiable alcoholic. I mean, did he definitely beat him? I mean, you probably wouldn't take that away from him after he's died. No

exactly. I think the sailors would probably go, you know what, imagine that though, interviewing all of the sailors who arm wrestled Oliver Reid. I think it's a damning indictment of the state of the fitness and strength of our Royal Navy sailors. Damn right, yeah. Probably two walks who managed to grab his hand. Sorry, you say you can protect the waters around this island, but you've somehow managed to conspire to lose in an arm wrestle to a paralytic 61 year old Oliver Reeve. Can you explain that to me please? Or there'll be an instant court martial. And he was probably oiled up, like in Women in Love.

People indulged that kind of behaviour, didn't they? It's quite sad when you look back on it. It is, yeah. It's very much like a spitball gas going in it. It's like George Best said, didn't he said, you know, people knew that I was an alcoholic. Yeah. And they claimed or they presented that they were concerned for me. But I never went on a single chat show where it wasn't the green room wasn't full of booze.

Right. OK, yeah. You know what I mean? Could have just had a little bit of a nature bar or something. I'm sure there were nature bars. Don't blame the booze. Could have just been a disused toilet with a load of timber in it. Exactly, there's your dressing room. And you know what they would have said Best evade if they discovered George Best waiting to go on set sat around a load of timber and an electric drum kit in a disused bathroom on the side of a shed. They'd have said that is rock bottom. The George Best

that's rock bottom. Gazza that's worse than the fishing rod they just said. Oh dear, right, let's get out of here, we managed two emails, sorry everyone. Hello at lukeandbeachshow.com if you want to get in touch, trick us some batteries and stuff. We're going to get, it's an email special, I'm calling it now, it's an email special next week, or rather this Thursday. On Thursday, I'm up for that. Yeah, alright then, we've been fantastic, you are so lucky to have us. This is free. This fucking shit is free. You might be walking your dog, you might be flying a plane, you might be, I don't know, pot-holing. You might be doing whatever, just enjoy us, feast on our bounty.

Why can't you think of a normal job off the top of your head? Flying a plane or pot-holing? What was the other one? I can't even remember now. Terrible isn't it? Just name me a normal job right now. Fireman. Accountant. There you go. Right. Got to let it go. Bit rich you came in the accountant by the way. You what? Bit rich you fucking picking out an accountant. So you do know what they are do you? I do, I pay for them. But I just, yeah if I don't have the resources I can't pay my tax. Anyway, I am free of those troubles for another two months. The way you say it though is like it's everyone else's fault.

I am free. If I haven't got the resources. If I haven't got the resources, if the comments are bad, how can I feed my family? You're the exception to that. You've quite literally earned the money. We've seen you earn the money. We saw it in your bank account. So don't talk to us Donaldson about resources. I'll back to you it.

Right, yes, I'll be back on Thursday. So we'll look and yeah, see you later. Ta ta. See you later. Ta ta! The Luke and Pete show is a stack production and part of the Acast creator network. Hi it's Morgan from Off the Shelf and I'm here to tell you how my Google Pixel 9 helps me read more. Google actually gifted me this phone and now I use it non-stop. The other day I was trying to remember the name of this book someone recommended and instead of spiraling into a 40-minute

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