The Luke and Pete Show - A Balustrade Tragedy

Episode Date: April 9, 2026

Pete’s got a new project and it’s nearly claimed his life already. It involves walls, glass, vans and a great deal of calamity. Before any of that, though, there’s a more serious matter to attend to: what defines “European-strength” pornography?Also on today’s episode, we've got exploding appendixes and plenty of listener correspondence, including a new potential segment titled “Earnest or Irritating?” Mr Donaldson will decide whether an influencer’s output is essentially likable and sincere or jarring and cynical. Get your suggested subjects in.Send us your latest stories, questions and comments here: [e-mail]. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's the Lucan Cheat. It's the Lucan Cheese show. You know it's the Lucan Cheese Show? It's the Lucan cheese show. It's the Lucan Gee Show. That beautiful Indian butter one does not have... I don't have any ghee in my house. I feel like... Will you not have it in the building?

I love a bit of Indian food, but I just feel like I should have a can of ghee at the back of my cupboard to never be used. I think that's something that makes a house a home in many ways. Is that right? Big, big jar of old Nestle Ghee. Should I leave, if I do finally sell my house, should I leave a jar of ghee in the cupboard as an offering? Is that tradition?

Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. And also, wrapped around that, stopped, stop cock, everyone's getting upset about. And the, and what you need is also hide are porno mags in, you know, a cavity mall or something. I wouldn't have clapped eyes on the porno mag for about 20 years. Where we did that Newcastle, ramble show over the road

there was an astonishing collection in the off licence in the off door of like the news engines over the roads from where we were doing our town hall show an amazing amount of European

strength pornography I'd not seen that in ages continental strength yeah like proper proper good good honest stuff I'm going to regret asking this what separates out

a good old commonal garden British piece of pornography. I don't know. The British stuff is all... It's... It's penises, Luke. I can't... I can't butter this up.

I can't ghee butter this up enough. It's erect penises, I'm afraid. So a British porn magazine wouldn't have an erect penis in it? No, no, it wouldn't. But you're... Maybe now it would. I don't know. Maybe the rules have changed.

I think it would be quite naive to refuse British pornographers' access to an erect penis personally in these days. I'd agree with that broadly. I think one thing it's worth considering is well, no,

this is worth considering a bit while we're on the subject, if you are going to take a photo for a continental strength pornographic magazine,

which involves an erect penis penetrating, they're going to have to hold that pose. Yes, yeah. There's no way there can be movement, particularly the shutdown.

And a lot of that pornography would have been done pre-Viagra, I imagine, as well. I imagine it was a right old pain in the bomb, so to speak, or not, as I guess where it be.

Depends. Particularly where you're thinking about, like you're talking about analog camera, you probably want to get the lighting rights again. You need to open up the, you're going to have to probably have quite a long exposure. Which basically cannot be movement. Yeah. Yeah. Well, can you just have a quick shot of speed?

Yeah, I mean, I guess you're just pausing, I suppose, aren't you? You'd always have, like, I think the sort of European, I think there were three levels. British stuff. British stuff European like heading on to European strength

where you would have an erect penis but it wasn't doing anything wasn't going in anywhere it was just glistening inches away from where it ended where it needed the promise of what's to come so to speak

and then you had a European strength version of the same photo shoot which was so they're all better off several territories with one stone exactly so it'll all be one photo shoot I believe limit your overheads

I think I think I saw a I saw a British, what's the main, a news night. I thought I saw a news night about it one time. Honest. Did you? What are they covering that for? Was Mike this involved? Not in that way.

I mean, was she hosting it? Oh, Lucie, I've had quite a week. Tell me about it. Tell me about it, brother. Weekend, I was, we've got a wall. I want to get that wall down. Is it holding up a room? Is it?

No, it's not... Stop. If I say to my son if he does something ill-advised, stop. Stop. What are you doing?

See it, say it, sorted. No. What wall is it? Is it the one you painted a mural on? No, different one. So there's a wall

separating the house from the garden and it's basically you look out of the back doors and it's just this big horrible white wall. I don't know why they did it. I hate it.

I've always hated it. Why do you sit out there and a garden with the house? I don't get it. God knows. God knows. Anyway, I have decided my little summer project

is going to be, take the wall down, put glass balustrade on, right? Up. Now. Can anything good come of this? Something already hasn't. I, I, uh, they're very, like, big sheets of heavy safety glass are, A, fucking heavy and B, fucking expensive and C, and the third one. Oh, I mean, like, I think I had a court for like three pounds.

and it was like nearly a grand. I'm like, fuck that me. How big of the panels, though? About, about my, like my wingspan, basically, and about as tall, up to my nipple, probably, including the space that is below. Just a confusing measurement. If you do a face and stall.

Can you estimate the measurement? Up to my nipples and about my wingspan. Doesn't mean anything. Yeah, I don't know. It's probably about, they're 12 millimeters. Good job. You weren't charting the seven Cs. Twelve, that's right.

12 millimeters thin. and probably about 140 wide and probably about cracking on for 180 tall. 14mm. 14mm is like, oh, do you say centimetres? Yeah, okay, fine. Yeah, yeah, we'll go for centimetres. Okay, fine. 1,400 millimeters.

So you're going to put glass in a wall between your house and your garden. That's just a window, isn't it? No, I'm not going to be putting it in it like a porthole. It's going to basically be like a glass sort of, partition. You know what I mean? Like they'd have it like Wayne the Liquors Club and Ibiza?

Yeah, or anywhere, really. I mean, any, anywhere. That's what I'm thinking of though. Yeah, okay, fine. Yeah, around the pool, those glass partitions. So I'll get, I'll get some glass. And you can't break those for level money, can you? You can't, they're properly reinforced.

It's impossible to break him. You've broken one of you. Okay, tell us more. I, uh, I went to, uh, a drop, so this guy was in Lewisham. on gum tree and he was he was basically he'd taken them off his wall and he was like I'm gonna get rid of these

under de pop and I was like alright well that's much cheaper than everything else you know thousands of pounds I'll get I'll get three of them he's got four for sale so I basically turn I basically need I go it's not a con man I went to get a hire a van

automatic van from South End Airport one of those companies Sorry to keep interrupting in a way of those frustrating back into the listener. But I just have to say this what I remember. I cannot believe you are doing this while essentially presenting as a normal colleague at work. Like, why does this never, well, I turn up to do recordings in the office and you're there, you go, you come to work, you go home again. And then now all of a sudden you come up with stuff like this and I have no idea you're even doing it. Yeah, but I mean, what do you want to? Yeah, it's because I tell you for

why is because my only social media is putting stuff in the ramble thread. That's all I've got. Like if I, if that happened to me like five years ago, that would be on Twitter or something. Do you know what I mean? Right, yeah. And this is, this has happened or that has happened. And then I- Carry on, carry on.

I'm just completely bored by the idea of social media. So I just, my only social media is telling you lot about it and also talking about it on these shows. And I do, as I said before. Photographs on your Instagram, don't you nice photograph on Instagram? Yeah, carry on, sorry, shouldn't it be directed, you carry on. And so I, so I get this, I ask for this van, hire it for the, for the day. I said, can you get, can I get this van?

And they said, yeah, we don't have a van. We'll give you a minibus. I was like, right, okay, that's a little bit annoying, but hopefully it'll be fine. Similar sort of size. Anyway, so I go to this bloke's house in Lewisham. And you know, like older men, you just assume, especially if they're selling stuff,

like, you know, building materials, that they kind of know what they're talking about and know what they're doing. I certainly see that, yeah. So I back my van down this very, very, very, very, very thin, claustrophobic wall and, and house. Were you pleased for the job? No, because I basically, I fold my wing mirrors down.

I said, look, you could have to, you'd have to talk us in, because I can't, because I can't see behind me. I can only look out. This is catastrophic from me. It's absolutely catastrophic. Anyway, so, long story short, he says, you've got enough room on your right-hand side. My right-hand sides.

He meant my left-hand side. Crunch, crunch, crunch. To me. Mr. Van is crunched. Mr Van has been crunched, like the entire side of the van. And instead of like me stopping and going, that's, that's an unwelcome sound. What I'll, instead of like reversing out,

what I did was, is I decided to sort of go, you know, I'll just drive my way out of this, which made it even worse. Oh, God. So that is, that's my deposit gone. That's me 200 notes. but to be fair I did that thing where I went to hire it and they went, oh, we can't accept Amex

but we can if you pay for the extra extra cover and that means that reduces your liability to only $200. I was like, yeah, fine. And so they've only got themselves to blame. What happened to the last panel? At South Bend Airport. So that's all scraped and I'm like, oh, fucking, so I go park outside and I've taken a bit out of the chunk out of their wall

and all that good stuff. And it's his fault. It's not my first. fucking fall but he's basically got this beautiful sort of recessed sort of grand design sort of glass and uh sort of wooden sort of home looks like an eco home sort of thing so to see there's sort of stuff that like men on grand designs um make their children and family uh you know you know in minutes away from their own divorce um kind of live in a tent for two years they go 100 grand of a budget yeah yeah all that stuff um and so they do that stuff and and so

we go upstairs and he's like he's like he's like he's are fucking heavy and they are unbelievably heavy like it's not a one man job it's two man job and so we get him so he says I've got four just take the fourth one I won't want any money for it I was like okay fine that's that's that's fine

um I'll take the four that'll be me spare anyway we get we get the fucking van and he just fucking drops his end and it just it doesn't just it doesn't just crack like we were both left holding tiny chunks of glass this sounds like an absolutely dreadful visit there

It was a dreadful business And then I've cut my hand And there's blood everywhere He cut his hand and there's blood everywhere He cut his hand and there's blood everywhere There's blood all over the minibus There's been used to scrape the fuck There's glass in the minibus

There's glass outside the mini bus It's just everywhere It's awful It's an awful situation But I just And there was a one one walk of passage I wouldn't care

Like me of five minutes Before this all happened A laden stopped us in the street And said with his daughter And he said he's a big fun of Rambles Imagine if he'd walk past at that time. Could have given you a hand, couldn't he? Could have me an hand?

Could have me an hand? But this guy was, yeah, I mean, bless him, he was, I just presumed, I knew what he was doing. And he didn't seem to know what he was doing. I think he was a writer or something. One of those writer fellas. But he, yeah, so we just... It sounds like a terrible, terrible diplomatic visit.

It was, like, it was just everything that could go wrong, did go wrong. But, but managed to get the... As soon as it left his property, absolutely fine. I'm looking at the three remaining sheets there. We'll see how this one pans out. How'd you get him off the van? Stu, my capable neighbor,

help me them off with them. And then I had to go up and give the van back to the good people at You Save. What I like about it is that they still send out automated emails saying, how was your hire? How is that? Hope we did well.

They have to go, they have to do, Like a, yeah, no, I give them five out of five. They basically got a fill out form and stuff, and they sort of said, we will have to have an investigation to see if it goes over the 200 pounds that you've put as you do. It's a deductible. I'm like, it is well over 200 pounds, cracking on for a thousand pounds of damage. I mean, the door is scrapped. Which is a noise, because I did about 50 quits of a damage to a higher car once,

and they tried to charge me 900 a quid. Yeah. It's expensive, however much sort of like scraping you think is. I always sort of think that cars can with, stand a lot more. You hear a bang and there's an area scratch on it, but, I mean, it was just, it was just something else. So I'd like to apologise publicly to everybody involved, but... And you couldn't have got those glass panels into the century, no?

No, I actually measured it. It would have been... Would it be easier? It would have been low to the ground, so yeah, it probably would have been a little bit easier, but, yeah, imagine you get them on, more than happy. I bought two of those, you know, those things that you stick to, like, glass, and it goes, sucks. Oh, yeah. You put batteries. They're very pleasing. Very enjoyed. That's how most pros carry glass, isn't it? I think so, yeah, yeah.

I've basically got, and I've bought some of still salt. I would find it hard to trust the suction, though, wouldn't you? Must they get a bit of getting used to that. Yeah, I mean, I won't be going, I won't be doing it in my slippers and I don't think, but I'll probably get me steel tore, Tim's out. But, yeah, and I've got me still, you know, those big sort of grinders you get to the cut up cement. I've got one of them as well.

And how are you going to install the panels into the ground? I think I could probably have a go at lifting them, and if it doesn't work, I'll get a bigger boy to help me. But what are you going to set them in? Cement? Yeah, I'll just screw them into the wall. It's only there. So I'm basically taking the wall down by about four aerated kind of hollow cinder block sort of thing. And then you're fitting them like that.

Is it unkindness how I feel like it's going to look terrible? I mean, it can't look any worse. It's a big white wall. And they also haven't put any... They haven't sort of cemented the tops of the walls down properly. So it looks like they're sort of loose. I don't like them. So we'll see how that one pans out.

It might be terrible. It's still absolutely cut the bits. Oh dear. Oh, dear. Peter. Just DIY in it. It's DIY. On that note, let's have a quick break.

When we come back, we've got a couple of listener correspondence things to cover off. beautiful we're back with the lincoln beach show if you want to get in touch with the show the email address says hello at lupon petechor dot com we've got one well let's not read that one because uh no let's put it in there and said don't read this one of um couple of um a couple of suggestions here yeah i don't know what's in there bruno what you're doing um Chris has has left a YouTube comment saying um that they really he really enjoyed our chat about being the last minute on now I think it was when you threatened to put some embryos from University College, hospital in your bum from memory, I think.

Right. That is, that feels like a, that feels like I got a little excited. That feels like I've let everyone down there. Apologies for that. Chris hasn't. Taking stuff like that call is upsetting. I am sorry. I am sorry.

I wonder why Chris hasn't ventured to suggest why your rectum isn't the best place for incubation of an embryo, but that's maybe a conversation at all the time. He says, Probably the right body temperature. That's all I'm saying. I've got the temperature right inside my body, yeah. I'm thinking that. Yeah, I mean, maybe you could fill up some kind of like marsupial-esque pouch.

Yeah, I could sort of keep stuff. I could keep like, what do you call them? Like, I guess they want to have them. I guess they want to have donated livers and stuff in ice, don't they? They probably don't want them. Yeah, so if you, so do you know, one thing I found the other day is if you are a recipient of a donor kidney, do you know they don't. don't take out the bad kidneys.

I did know that. It's delicious, isn't it? I love that. So you'd have like three kidneys in you, but only one would work, basically. You'd think that would be, like, annoying that your bloodstream, would that not sort of, you know, ruin everything. I don't know. I guess they would just, what they would do is probably re- re-route the blood vessel. Yeah, and then I guess just leave those ones there.

But I kind of felt like that would mean they would just die. Yeah, you'd think it would sort of go brown. I'd love to know how they do it. I'd love to know. But even if you're told it's not going to help you, is it? So Chris says that he thinks... Not the sort of operation, you're saying the pit with no- No.

No. No. I'd like to get another mention. I'm so confused by that now, by the way, because, like, I found out yesterday that I think I've got a BT sports subscription, a TNT sports subscription, a Discovery Plus subscription, and an HBO Mac subscription.

And I think I might only need one of them. I think that one might come free-reve-sky anyway. I thought, Discovery Plus had gave you access to TNT? Because I Because they Yeah but that's now become HBO Max What Discovery Plus?

Yeah I think so. Has it? Yeah, it's a very confusing. They've replaced me old DMAX as the voice. I wonder who they've gone for in the end. Chris Finch from the office. Chris Finch from the office. Anyway, Chris Towns on YouTube says

I would love a what if slash what would you do if section as a regular feature. So if people want to get in touch with that they can like for example what if you know you had to you know do someone's kidney transplant what do you mean where out how i would start i had this idea because i i decided for show and it'd already been done remember someone pointed out that it was um called faking it and i had this idea where you in a few mates you'd kind of you know you turn up to like a plumbing

job and you just try and get it's the longest without being found out yeah i think with um I think with something, yeah, I think something like that, because I grew up, I think replacing like liver or kidney or something, I grew up playing the Atari ST slash Ramiga game, Life or Death, too, which was basically you were a doctor in the emergency room and you had to kind of diagnose with your hands, just sort of poke the stomach of somebody. That's pretty solid. It would always be a bloody, what's that thing? sometimes explodes and you... Appendix. It was always the appendix for some reason. You'd always have like the...

Both sides pain or one side pain and it would always be the appendix and so you'd sort of get them to sleep and you'd sort of make your incision... You know, you'd iodine everything and then you'd sort of like, you know, mask everything off and stuff and then you'd make your incision and you'd courtarise the bleeders

and then you'd open up the subcutaneous fat and then... I reckon I could do it in summary. In summary The way you've described it there makes me feel like you couldn't do it By the way Speaking of that My friend Duncan got a burst appendix

During the finale of the Sopranos Right Okay While he was growing up Or Because it's going to happen at any time Can't it? But the literal airing

Of the final season Of the Sopranos We were watching it In our shared house Right And his appendix went don't stop and he went and it just explodes

and we waited till the end of the show did you and he was just absolutely gone it's very painful apparently I don't like the sound like it suddenly I just feel like that's one of those things that you just got the doctor and the doctor could whip it out I just don't think you need hospital visits for it because everybody has it

they should be just an award of appendixes and it should be like a DJ you should have like a big operating room everyone's appendix is constantly gone so just have six patients in the round like you know the keyboardist

from Pink Floyd and he just and he does and he just and the surgeon just does about six at the same time I think that's

how it should work Is it is a difficult thing to take care of you think? Is it? I feel like it's just very straightforward

It's just like a little sort of piddly little sort of like condom at the end of your pipes in it What actually is the appendix? What does it do?

Isn't it something that we don't need anymore? I think so. Does it fuck with the spleen I can't remember now? Apparently it's done with the keyhole surgery now.

Oh, so you don't even open it. So my carterization and my opening up doesn't even, you just, it goes through something else. Did I tell you my friend, you had a bit of heart surgery done by an electric kind of, kind of an electrode,

sit up through his groin, through his bloodstream, up to his heart and a little into his heart, because that's how they do it now because they don't want to break up in the rib cage. Yeah. I mean,

it feels barbaric that you would have to do that at any point, but I mean, I just can't imagine something like a hard sort of, you know, putting a stent in the stuff, they go through your groin, don't they? Like, I can't imagine, like. And they blow a little balloon up and take it out. It's like a little mesh thing. I can't imagine like a sort of balloon and a wire, sort of getting through all of your bendy, twisty.

I mean, it clearly works because they've done it so many times, but like. It must be tiny. Through you. Ooh. But isn't that clever, though, because basically what they've said is we need to open people's arteries up and we're doing it this way. but ultimately the trauma involved in smashing open the rib cage

which is evolutionary designed to protect the heart and lungs and everything is probably sometimes more trouble than it's worth so we're going to do it this way instead and it actually happening my grandmother had it done and he was like 80 at the time and it was fine yeah good on him

good on him anyway he lived a lot longer as well didn't he great stuff yeah he did my granddad had his bowel removed like 82 years old or something and they said they wouldn't do it but he was pretty strong so they let him and then he got then when he was recovering from the um

anesthetic he um he was doing Elvis impressions in the ward I had no good much yeah I didn't see it sadly in the middle of the night anyway another YouTube comment here from Toby hello to you Toby says um I like Pete's cynicism towards certain content creators because you you were you were you spot on about that geezer you don't like uh I don't I don't think you can get into it, but I think... Would you encourage people to look for themselves, perhaps?

I've looked for themselves, yeah. And, but, like, nothing bad, but I just, there are certain content creators who are very earnest that I find, I find, uh... Well, Toby suggested a new feature, earnest or irritating, and he'd like you to start with, Francis Bourgeois, the train spotting fellow. Uh...

I like him. Yeah, Ernest, Ernest, and he got his own angle. He got that camera, everybody copied him after that. I don't mind it, Ernest. I think I think having him He seems right on these Francis Yeah I think he's a bit of a

He's a bit of a posh tweet But I think having him in a situation Where he's on top, isn't he in top gear? Isn't he doing top gear? Is he really? I just feel like he doesn't have the chops for the You know it's all very well I'm getting excited about trains

But like doing the grand tour And you're reviewing cars and stuff like that You just sort of you need a bit more You need a bit more authority, you know But the thing I find interesting about Francis is that obviously he was so authentic at the start and so parodyable, if that's not a word,

that he, people didn't actually know if he was a character or not, right? Yeah. And then he, and then people kind of got really into him and that's what, I actually really liked his stuff, I found him quite charming. Yeah. But then, and I'm not criticised him for this, I'm just kind of really pointing it out. He then was like, involved in the Manchester's warehouse project

and like, he was doing stuff as Sam Fender gigs and he was appearing in, like, music videos for, like, quite obscure, like, rappers. and then he did a thing about talking about how much he loves like Apex Twin and Square Pusher and stuff like that and it's almost a bit like actually is he a guy who's so trendy that he's coming across as a massive nerd Do you understand what I mean?

Yeah, yeah, I can see that, yeah. Sometimes you become so trendy, you become, you approach you from two ways, don't you, become so nerdy about cool stuff that you, you know, people don't notice that you're actually quite cool. Because apparently, yeah, Because apparently, I've been reading it now, apparently throughout 2022, he was like, like a model at like various different fashion shows.

And yeah, and he's been, he's done stuff with North Face and with Gucci and that kind of stuff. Oh, Magnus Carlson, yeah. Yeah. Anyway, I like Vance's bourgeois. I think he's, I don't think he's irritating. I think he's a good, good lad and he seems really into the stuff and good, you know, good luck to him. But I don't have a radar for this stuff, but you clearly do. No, yeah.

No, I don't mind a bit of bourgeois. Yeah. There we go. All right. Let's wrap up then, Peter. Next time we have or talk about an influencer, we can start that little feature. Ernest, not irritating.

Very enjoyable. Do remind us about that, everybody. Thank you, Toby Shark. Toby Shark. Toby Shark. Crime Bustre of the Sea. We'll be back on Monday. I will be back on Monday,

unless the Radio 2 job comes available. Oh yeah. And, Lukie, we will return for more Logan Pete Show. Stuff for very, very soon. I'm not going to get the Radio 2 job, let's be quickly.

The Luke and Pete Show is a stack production and part of the Acast Creator Network.