The Luke and Pete Show - A Birthday In The Bathroom

Episode Date: June 7, 2021

On today's show, the boys are back in the studio to celebrate the Luke and Pete Show's 4th birthday! While Luke brings the party to life with live karaoke, Pete's experiencing some rather unfortunately *audible* toilet troubles...Elsewhere, we hear all about a KFC criminal and the world's most expensive chicken nugget, before getting to some *very* exciting emails...GET IN TOUCH! We LOVE hearing from you - let us know your favourite memories from the past 4 years of Luke and Pete's nonsense, or tell us all about a recent celebration you've had by dropping us an email over at [e-mail] or by joining the fun on our Twitter/Instagram @lukeandpeteshow. THANKS! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I don't think you trust in my self-righteous suicide. Back up! Back up! Back up! Back up! Yeah! It's the Little Peach Show! Welcome! We're not allowed to play licensed music, but we can have a fucking good go at singing, can't we? We can have a bloody good go. I'd like to see you do something about that loophole. Oh, I've got a bit of gas. Sorry.

What a start to a show. I got so excited. And why am I excited, Luke Moore? Because it is our big, bouncing, four years strong birthday. Four years this week. Four years in the habit. Since it took me six months to convince Pete to do this yeah our first show was in the was it in XFM no no it wouldn't be next it would have been in Absolute Radio it was Absolute yeah it was in studio 3.2 at Absolute Radio a radio session that gets better every year and um to celebrate our birthday we've um got uh

Gordon Ramsay in oh god he's been doing got Gordon Ramsay in. Oh, God. He's been doing his Gordon Ramsay impression all morning. Boyd, you are more excitable after you've done two podcasts. Gordon. Sorry, darling, what's your name? Gordon. It's getting better. Beautiful.

It's getting better. Rustic food. Yes, good stuff. Four years, Pete. We're wasting our lives. Happy birthday. It's good to get a reminder of it. Happy birthday, laps.

Take my wallet out of my pocket because my leg's a bit sore. Why? I don't know. I don't know. It's good to get a reminder of it. Happy birthday, laps. Take me wallet out of my pocket because my leg's a bit sore. Why? I don't know. I don't know. It's that heavy, is it? Yeah. Full of moths.

I'm 40. You're 40. Yeah. Let's kiss. Well, we could, but it's also bad to think that when we started this, I was already 36.

Yeah, 36 doesn't sound bad. 37 sounds bad. I mean, anybody who's listening who is under the age of 40, who's under the age of 35, would look at 36 and go... What was the big one for you? The birthday where you were like, fuck. 38 was one where you sort of go, that sounds hefty.

I think mine was 30. Yeah. Okay. I've heard that a lot of footballers get properly antsy when they turn 30. Oh, what? Because it's the end of their... 30 sounds a lot older. Yeah, but keepers, they can go on for another 12 years if they want to.

I think keepers are a different kettle of fish. They are a different kettle of fish. They're like drummers, aren't they? I think they're exonerated. Absolutely mad. They're exonerated. Do you think that keepers are just generally good? Like, most keepers are adequate.

And it's only the ones who play for the big clubs. The focus is a little bit more. They have exactly the same skill set as everyone else. They just get criticised more. So if I was a goalkeeper, I'd stay at your West Ham's. I'd stay at your Newcastle United's. You're always going to have a nice time there. You are a man completely bereft of ambition.

We know that. Yeah, I know. Listeners to this show will not find that new. I think that it's all about mindset when you get to the top level. You remember Big Pav that we used to play with? Yeah. He is a colossal man. Mm-hmm.

And he's even bigger. With colossal velocity. He's even bigger now. Yeah. But when he was match fit, fighting fit, the way he would fill the goal was incredible. He was the best goalkeeper I've ever played with, and he got to about Buckingham Town level.

Right, yeah. So imagine what it takes to get up there. It's almost a bit like broadcasting, Pete. The keepers nowadays, they are very much, they've got to get down, they've got to get up, they've got to get up there. It's almost a bit like broadcasting, Pete. The keepers nowadays, they are very much, they've got to get down, they've got to get up, they've got to get down. All the tests are, they get down, they get up, they get down, they get up.

How quick can you get up and how well can you pass it? Pete, what's the difference between a good and a great broadcaster? Ones who can do the Cruyff turn. Yeah, what are you saying? You're the great broadcaster. No, I pointed at you when I say good and I pointed at me when I say great but you didn't pick up on it.

You don't care. So like, yeah, it's mainly just kind of like people can do a turn on a sixpence. I once heard the occasionally maligned Richard Bacon

announcing the death of Mike. Yeah, I think it gets... Because of the Charlie back on Blue Peter. No, not because of that but it's the one thing people know about him. He's criticised as being kind of quite lightweight,

but he's done like a lot of Five Live, a lot of quite, you know, hefty stuff that he's had to do. And I heard him announce the death of Michael Jackson. Right. And he had quite a deft touch and he's quite a sort of, he's a very, very good broadcaster.

And I think that the sort of people who don't go... Switching with the tone. Yeah. I remember I had to announce Chris Connell's death. I had to announce... Did you do a burp? I didn't do a burp. No.

Welcome to my sound garden. I announced Chris Connell's death on Absolute Radio. I announced Chester Bennington, who'd been on the show a few times. Do you only do like kind of quite morose indie musicians? Well, Prince as well. Oh, did you? And I had to you know I was doing my you know what have I eaten today texta. Yeah what's that smell?

Yeah what's that smell? Legendary do you like me? Like sashay directly into Princess Zeddy that's upsetting. I'd have played the whole of 1983's Dirty Mind. That would have made it easier. Yeah.

Rather than trying to sort of remember things that I knew about Prince. Loved you more than I did when you were mine. Oh, the Super Bowl. Oh, his clothes. Oh, sex.

Didn't he like sex? Only for a bit though. What? He stopped, didn't he? He started to stop, yeah. He stopped and refused to perform those songs after a certain point

because I think he became quite a religious man. But then I think he became quite a religious man. But then I think he picked it back up again. That Janelle Monáe song that she did that was, I think, co-written by him just before he died, that is sexual. But the reason that's interesting, I think, is because most people become more of a pervert

when they're religious. That's true. Can I say that? Yeah, that's fair. They're like hats, they're like dresses, they're like... Oh, well, that's more kinky. I wouldn't say that's more sexual. What's your cut-off, though?

I mean mean the Catholic the Catholic church are into shit that we can talk about well let's not talk about it but I'm just saying that they're known for one thing for one flavour

yeah but then also like I like to think the Anglican church probably a bit more whippy whippy and chinsy

perhaps in the belfry perhaps perhaps I also would like to chuck Danny Kelly's hat into the ring here. Okay. He is very good at shifting tone on a sixpence.

Yeah. And I remember doing a show with him. We were talking about something quite lighthearted. I think it was probably something to do with reggae because he's obsessed with reggae. Right. And then a footballer, an old footballer died and it came in on the show and he switched. Yeah. But not only did he switch, he went onto a whole monologue using like quite Shakespearean language

and he'd be saying stuff like has left this veil of tears, fate has broken his stride, all this kind of stuff and it was actually very impressive. You like that sort of thing. You've kind of adopted a little bit of that here and there.

I'll do it poorly. I do it in more of a kind of like a... Do you know what? The way I do it is like Danny Kelly is very of like a, do you know what I, the way I do it is like Danny Kelly is very much like seeing Oasis in their pomp at Nebworth. I'm like that famous,

Noasis. Oh yeah, I'm like that famous tribute band pub in Crewe. They just have tribute bands every night and everyone has a lovely time but let's be honest,

it's not the real thing. I do like those pubs and I don't go to enough of those pubs. There's one near the station they send albums and all they have is tribute acts

and the urinals are the Rolling Stones little lippy mouths okay they piss into a person's mouth yeah it's a bit weird isn't it

there was they're not I think there are I want to say it's in Scotland I think that's a safe enough bet okay

there's a urinal at a football club there with TV screens and you can piss on your rival team's goals and stuff nice that's there's a urinal at a football club there with TV screens and you can piss on your rival team's goals and stuff nice

that's a nice little touch or as they would say pesh pesh in Japan you have little games you pee left or right to make the

is it hygiene Nick Pete it's probably not is it no no toilets generally aren't though just don't put your hands in them don't put your hands in them I've said it once

I've said it don't wipe some bread around the around the rim there's a famous viral video isn't there of I think an Aberdeen fan oh jumping in there

yeah head first through the urinal what's your favourite viral urinal I went through a phase about five years ago when I was pissed pulling the little

little cubes out of the urinal throwing at my friend that's pathetic behaviour. It is pathetic behaviour. You just wash your hands afterwards. It's fine. But what about them?

What about them? It's not my business. Their problem. They've made the decision to go out with me. That's someone else's business. That's the problem. They've made the decision to go out with me. That's all I'm saying.

I don't have a favourite viral urinal video, I don't think. The German man who comes out of the festival toilet and starts washing his hands in the urinal. Do you remember the German, oh yeah. And that woman's sort of interviewing him, oh he's put his hand in the urinal. Is this a toilet? Do you remember that

German techno viking? Was he German? Yes. Frightening. Yeah, absolutely. Frightening. Well he, you think he's frightening and then he sort of he teaches a man to stop bothering a woman. And then he goes back to techno-Viking-ing as well. But he's so measured.

It's a march, and people are probably, some of them are on drugs, so they're a little bit more reckless abandoned. He's very marchy measured. A military background, I'm going to suggest. But again, I never trust people who like dance music and aren't on drugs all the time but again I never trust people who like dance music and aren't on drugs all the time

and I never trust and I never trust broadcasters who can do that pace change because you could be in a conversation with them

and to get one up on you they might sort of go oh what you really think that do you and it starts to change I don't like people who play with my emotions like that

it very much says more about you than them no no I don't think people should play with my emotions like that. It very much says more about you than them. No, no, I don't think people should play with my emotions. I don't think I should be joking along. Maybe I say an off-colour joke. I'm pushing boundaries. I'm an envelope-tearer.

And something like that. And I'm a parameter-botherer. And I go a little bit too far. Wake up! How would you break bad news to someone then? How do you do it in your personal life or your professional life? You know that kid you had?

Did you up until recently have a dog? How many dogs have you got? Right. How good are you at subtraction? One of the two finest Leslie Nielsen lines. One is, Ma'am, we would have come here earlier but your husband

wasn't dead then and the second one is when he goes into someone's office and they say who are you and how did you get in here I'm a locksmith

and I'm a locksmith ah wonderful there we go there we go Peter I would be fine with you breaking me some bad news

because you would probably do it on WhatsApp with some text speak and a meme, probably a gif, and then later on check if I was okay with a little kiss. I'm a big kisser on most of my...

Not in real life, though. Not in real life. That's not COVID compliant. It's the only kissing I get to do these days. But I do occasionally do it on an email to someone I don't know. And it's like, I shouldn't do that.

I know I shouldn't do that. It's like calling your teacher mum. Yeah, it is a little bit. Okay, Peter, listen. Oh, daddy. The world's longest intro ever. Cool. As you look around to see how long we've been recording this. That's a chunky intro. It is. What are we actually going to talk about this week? It's a Monday.

Summer is here. We've had some nice weather. I've got a few bits and pieces here to talk about. Is there anything on your mind that you'd like to talk about this week that doesn't involve a student hacking the KFC app and ordering £6,500 worth of chicken? Well, I would like to talk about that quite frankly. Let's do it then. Let's talk about it.

Let's do it, because that's happened. Yes, a man has hacked the KFC app. I mean, you've done it all, to be honest. There was a KFC app glitch, and some plucky student, some plucky hacker, has managed to order £6,500 worth of free food. And in China, you would imagine, his name is Zhu,

and he managed to secure himself a bucket upon bucket of free chicken, says the Metro.co.uk piece on this. And yeah, him and his friends just got away with nearly £15 worth of food. And out in China, cheaper as well. Cheaper. I like this because he has done what I'm always asking people to do. Regular listeners to this show will know I am furious still now at the man who got busted stealing a million quid from who wants to be a millionaire for cheating.

Steal less, yes. Because he flew too close to the sun. What this guy's done is he has dragged this out over a period of years. If he had just ordered £16,000 worth of chicken straight away, bang, you're busted. Yeah, who's doing that? You've found the glitch, keep it to yourself,

maybe a few close friends. Certainly no more than that, and make sure they're trustworthy and almost develop some kind of KFC-themed spy cell and help yourself. Yeah. You know? But how did he get found out?

I can't remember. I think they probably just noticed a man who was just sitting there. Probably a software update. Probably a software update. They probably, yeah. Actually, you can't, look, with the electronics and the internet,

you can't get away with this sort of thing. But well done for that man for trying. Well, he's in jail. He won't get a KFC there, will he? Two and a half years he's been sitting down for. Oh, wow. That's a lot, isn't it? He only got fined 700 good, which I thought was quite cool. He's in jail. He won't get a KFC there, will he? Two and a half years he's been sent down for. Oh, wow. That's a lot, isn't it? Yeah. He only got a fine

700 good, which I thought was quite cool. He's in jail. I mean, look at loss of earnings alone. True. It's not worth it.

How much would you pay for a chicken nugget, Luke Moore? A single chicken nugget? Do I get any kind of context here? How hungry am I?

How much do you like the video game Among Us? Oh, I've heard of it, yeah. You've heard of it, yeah. I've known some friends who play it. I'm a PUBG man, baby. You're a PUBG man through and through.

$99,000. Cracking on for obviously $100,000. That's how numbers work. Yeah, a chicken nugget in the shape of an Among Us character is going for nearly $100,000 on eBay. I don't think he's going to get that money. No, he won't. And is that a quirk of the production process?

They haven't designed it on purpose. It just happened. And it also comes from a BTS branded meal. You know, the boy band, the Bangtan Boys, or whatever they're called. Yeah, it came from their meal and it's kind of mashed together. A love of the BTS army

and also the Among Us crew as well. And the chicken's head. And chickens have not been interviewed for this. No. Apparently it's 100% chicken breast meat these days. But speaking of which, I listened to one of my favourite podcasts, which isn't a snack podcast

which is Malcolm Gladwell's show. Get fucked. Oh, big hair man. Big gladders.. Yeah. Oh, big, big hair, man. Big gladders. Big hair. Oh, it's just... Of the art garfuncle of podcasting. Freakonomics.

Yeah. No, he's not Freakonomics. Gladwell's Freakonomics, isn't he? No, Freakonomics is Stephen Leavitt and Stephen Dubner, isn't it? No! Yeah. No. I'm going to take that in.

You do that. You waste your time on my hair. I'm talking. What did I interview Malcolm Gladwell for then? He did Blink. On XFM. He did a very famous book called Blink. Freakonomics. Oh my God, it like everyone talking. What did I interview Malcolm Gladwell for then? He did Blink. On XFM. He did a very famous book called Blink. Nomics.

Oh my God, it is? Yeah. What? Yeah. I've been going through my life freakonomically on him. When will you respect me? Anyway, listen. I listened to an episode

of Gladwell's Revisionist History and I would love it to be a part of the stack network, but it's not going to happen, let's be honest. He won't return any of my calls. No. And he's talking about McDonald's Pete talking about that he

says it's a great episode when he was 13 years old he went to McDonald's for the first time and he had the fries and they were amazing. Yes.

And he tried to work out why when he goes to McDonald's with his family now whatever the fries aren't as good and he explores and investigates whether

it's because he's got some kind of middle aged nostalgia for it or it actually did change and what he finds out is it did actually change in 1990 a man in the u.s went on a massive well-funded crusade to make fast food restaurants healthier because he had a heart attack and he was a multi-millionaire and he managed to lobby and convince McDonald's to change the way they made their fries which made them not taste as good

and they did a taste test with a load of millennials using the old formula at the food technology place out in California and they were able to eat them again and they were amazing

but they had to change from beef tallow to some kind of corn fat or something. Oh, interesting. And so they've changed over the years. That would make them vegetarian though, wouldn't they?

I suppose so, yeah. Because I know, speaking of this, while we're on this subject, I know that in Five Guys, they fry the fries in peanut oil. Yeah, you get free peanuts. Yeah, but no one with a peanut allergy can have them.

I wouldn't go in. I wouldn't go in if I had a peanut allergy. There's too many people with nut allergies these days. You're cutting off a lot of potential customers there. Yeah, I guess one with a peanut allergy can have them. I wouldn't go in. I wouldn't go in if I had a peanut allergy. There's too many people with nut allergies these days. You're cutting off a lot of potential customers there. Yeah, I guess so, yeah. But they do taste delicious, especially the Cajun fry ones. And they chuck extra ones in the bag, don't they? They do, yeah.

I mean, it does get very greasy after a while. What do you think about that? Why do you think they do that? What do you mean? Well, at the end, they give you a portion, and they chuck a load more fries in the bag. Just to make you feel good. I'll make you feel good.

In McDonald's, I bought a little box of little cheese balls. I suppose they're like cheese curds. Mozzarella dippers? Yeah, mozzarella. Well, no, they're like little sort of nuggety things, right?

And it said, this is designed for three. The little box said designed for three. They always fucking say that. They say that to get away with the portion size recommendations from the fucking

health department or whatever. That's what you get. You get a bag of M&Ms. Great to share. Mind your own fucking business. I bought a carton of orange juice and it said, and all of the nutritional information

was for like 150 milliliters, right? And it was 160 milliliters in the carton. Why have you done that? Dickheads. It's like the old tip, isn't it? If you order a load of food delivery just for yourself and you go down out to the door

if you're embarrassed you go you shout behind you food's here so people think it's for lots more people oh mate I'm not embarrassed about how fat I am that's

the thing I used to be but I'm not anymore when I was running down I challenged them do you know what I do if they're going to because they think

oh maybe the particular kind of more needly delivery drivers, and normally they're lovely, if they're going to challenge me subconsciously or unconsciously by looking at me when they hand my food over, I will hold their gaze, let them know that I know how much food I've ordered for myself.

Do a little dribble. No, I just wee myself. I just wet myself. Yeah, but if they're keeping your gaze, they're not going to say that you've wet yourself this is a very good victory yeah I don't think about that

that's a waste of a wet myself a waste of a wet a waste of a wet yourself right can you wet yourself on demand some people get stage fright don't they

you're the kind of man who won't go to your rhino were you I could bobby poo myself more than wee myself I would say there's something in your head that goes,

this is the wrong place for this, Peter. Not again, Peter. Do you like it that COVID has meant that you haven't, because of COVID, you don't have to go to urinal anymore

and you're not going to be judged for it? I've still been gone to the urinal. I've still been gone to the urinal. Who is it that doesn't go to the urinal then?

Someone we know that doesn't go to the urinal. You've talked about my penis before because you've sorted a urinal, so I've clearly been to a urinal before. That's true, actually, yeah. sorted a urinal so I've clearly been to a urinal before

that's true actually yeah and I've broken the rule there because you're not supposed to look at other men's penises no you yeah no

let's get into it now but but other people have looked at me because of you then my worker is done one of them Ben Bailey Smith

he did it did he because of you what did he think of it I don't know he didn't review it or anything he was pissed off that was the same night you let What did he think of it? I don't know. He didn't review it or anything. He was pissed off.

That was the same night you let yourself down by calling him Wu-Tang Crew. Ha ha ha! Yes. Yeah, there we go. Oh, dear. Let's go to a break on that note. Let's go to a break.

We're trying not to wet ourselves. No promises. Bernie Katz was fun. He was kind. When he walked in, the room just lit up. And there was something magical about this young man that just had a glint in his eye that didn't give a shit about anything but loved everything.

My first impressions were of a huge, vibrant and outgoing personality all hugs, grins, extravagant language and wild attire. Always in a leopard skin jacket, whirling around like a windmill. I don't know, she's a character. I don't know if those people exist anymore. They're sort of dying out. Everything's changed. It is a bank holiday weekend in London, the late summer of 2017.

weekend in London, the late summer of 2017. The streets around Kentish Town, just north of the city and halfway towards Hampstead Heath, are unusually quiet. That evening, in a small, converted flat, just a 15-minute bus ride from King's Cross Station, Bernie Katz, pocket-sized and long-standing front-of-house manager of London's Groucho Club, is found dead by his landlord. I said to him, what happened? And he said, we are not talking about it. And yes, there have been the rumours.

We've all heard. I mean, what did I hear specifically? That he was murdered. The relationship with his father was so toxic. He hated the idea that his son was gay. His dad was a proper gangster. Finally came down, there was a car far from him. Guy blows his dad's head off.

They're all part of the same fetid, seething, self-referential nest of vipers that I think the Groucho have become. Was Bernie depressive? I think yes. When alone, a condition he rarely sought, he had demons that flew about his head. I get a call from Bernie and he is in £20,000 of the debt with the Albanian gangsters in Soho. We all collected and paid the debt.

The way that the Albanians operate is very, very peculiar because they did not operate like any other mafia in Europe. I've never been able to establish exactly what happened and why, but whatever it was, it was so wrong. Bernie, who killed the Prince of Soho? Listen now. A Stack production, available wherever you get your podcasts. I am so soggy. I went for a run up and down Upper Street for business reasons. I just wanted coffee. You've got a pen. I've got a pen.

I want to get some post-its. And yeah, I'm just really wet. It's a miserable day. I had an absolutely devastating experience last night out doing exercise. Did that big walk in the lake the streets told you about. And I felt all right. I was kind of dreading all the exercise we're going to do in the lakes because Mimi's really fit and healthy and athletic. But you are too.

You're always running around. I've lost it big time. And I haven't done much. COVID's really fucked me, to be honest. And so I was kind of dreading the amount of physical activity. But it was actually all right. And on the final day, we did this big hike, which I told you about, this big walk.

And last night I thought do you know what I've done a lot of walking this week last week because I was in the office a lot

and I walked back from Brixton it's about a 45 minute walk it's a good bit of exercise particularly when the sun's shining I thought I'm going to treat myself to a run went for a run abysmal

could barely do a mile it was so depressing and one of the great things about doing a run is you get outside and then when you get back, you feel good. I felt terrible. I just felt like I really let myself down.

So I'm still kind of getting over that at the moment. Oh, sorry to hear that, Luke. I'm sure you'll get back on the bike, which, I mean, you're not the bike. You're kind of cheating, innit? Shall we do some emails, Luke? Yes. Because we are terrible at not getting to emails

because we are so self-indulgent. Imagine the Luke and Pete show being self-indulgent. People still send them in and that's on them. They do, exactly. Jack's come up with an email. Thank you, Jack. Speaking of steps, marathons, stuff like that, hi, Luke and Pete, great workers, always love us, sure.

Just getting in touch regarding the most steps slash longest walk. I'm sure I'll be beat by some other nutter, but last summer a mate and I decided for our birthdays, no less, to celebrate by doing a double marathon. Jack sounds young. Jack sounds like a millennial. He was then. And yeah, you know, celebrating by doing a double marathon.

Just around 84K. It took over 12 hours and I racked up 87,000 steps. I don't know if this qualifies, but it was a bloody hard day. As an aside, the day after I had what can only be described as the worst hangover ever, multiplied by 10, I hadn't even touched a beer the night before.

And after a doctor's visit, it turned out to be hyponatremia. Essentially, overhydration, where your salt content is diluted below normal levels. I later found out that can be fatal. Though a couple of days later,

I felt fully recovered. The lesson was all clearly don't drink too much water. As Pete said all along, all the best and cheers, Jack. I think that maybe our generation, and again, I'm assuming that Jack's younger because that's the sort of thing that younger people do when I tut it and go, come on, let's have some shots instead.

Let's have a little cry about our lives on our birthday. But yeah, our generation, the water thing, Lea Betts was a big thing that that kind of puts that in the head don't drink too much water because you can get very very unwell i think the way you can check and i know this because i've read it somewhere but i've also seen it on the wall of every football club dressing room of a certain level i've been in um a urine chart so they have a urine chart about how hydrated you are because it is also dangerous

to be over hydrated as we've talked about in the past and I think that's the way you check. So if your urine is completely clear it's probably

you're a little bit over hydrated you want to be almost like a straw very light yellow straw colour. Oh lovely. When you do it

and it's like treacle that's under hydrated. That's too many molasses. I just consume too many molasses. I also heard a story mine's either tab clear or sludge

tab clear that probably counts I also heard a story of a friend of mine who went on a lads holiday back in the

I don't know early 2000s or whatever and a friend of his got taken to hospital because he had a problem with hydration he got heat stroke and all the rest of it

and the doctor did a bit of investigation and worked out that he had a heat stroke and all the rest of it and the doctor did a bit of investigation and worked out that he had only drunk beer for like nine days and nights

not a single other piece of liquid had gone past his lips and his I think his internal system was just just going come on mate

yeah and made him just basically collapse jeez it's a delicate balance he's fine now just get him on the drip brother just get him on the drip brother I've also heard stories of doctors and made him just basically collapse. Jeez. It's a delicate balance. He's fine now, I think, yeah. Just get him on the drip, brother.

Just get him on the drip, brother. I've also heard stories of doctors, and if people are listening who are doctors can get in touch about this. I've heard of doctors treating themselves for hangovers by putting Ceylon drips in themselves and stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, look, you've got to treat people,

and if you're under-hydrated, it's just better. That doesn't mean treat them as in give them sweets. It means actually medically treat them, right? What if you were a doctor and you'd completely mis, it's just better. That doesn't mean like treat them as in give them sweets. It means like medically treat them, right? If you were a doctor, you'd completely misread the memo. Yeah. I bought this woman a packet of roses.

You know me and the Nalgene, I try and get through one of these by lunchtime every day. No, every day by lunchtime, I try and get through one of them. That's a litre. I'm a big unit. You have teas as well.

I'm a powerful athlete. How many pisses do you do a day yeah do I think that people want to hear this probably I reckon I probably do

five pisses a day how many do you do two big ones two substantial ones I'd say and then one at the end of the day maybe if I'm feeling fruity.

You've got to go before you go to bed. Otherwise you're in trouble. You know what? Sometimes I'll sit in bed, I'll go, I got this. Yeah. Good for you. Keeping the rotten fluids in.

I do it. I teach you, I set up a lesson. It means you win. It means when you're older, you're fine. You're the only person I know who feels like they have to earn themselves a piss. Yeah, it's like Cameron. He used to...

No, Tony Blair, wasn't it? No, Cameron used to do it. He used to not go for a wee, so he was more focused when he was talking. Apparently, Tony Blair used to wait until he really needed a slash for important phone calls so he wouldn't do them for too long. Oh, so he wouldn't do it...

So they wouldn't drift for too long. Right, okay. I don't know if that's true or not, but I was going to say to you that... What's that sound, Tony? Yeah. Are you peeing in a bottle? No.

You're on the mute button, Tony. I like the idea that you go for a wee before you go to bed so you're not disturbed during the night. And I'm generally all right on that. But what I do do when I've been out boozing is I do a deal with the devil I do a deal with myself where I say

I'm going to nail like two pints of water before bed I know it means I'll have to get up at like five and go for a slash but my hangover

will be so much better and I'd rather do that trade off do you ever do that? I take cordine fucking hell no you don't

I do I've occasionally if I know I've got a terrible hangover on the way, I'll take a paramol, which is paracetamol and cordy. So it's not like illegal drugs.

Is that what you nod off in meetings? Nope. I mean, I've heard of ibuprofen, but I mean, for goodness sake. What, cordy and paracetamol? Yeah. Yeah, it's not... I'm sure all the doctors are going,

Peter, stop this. But it's just... It's an over-the-counter pain medication for migraines. Yeah, but that's not a real... People don't say, oh, it's over-the-counter pain medication for my that's not a real people don't say oh it's over the counter to take as much of it as you yeah but i don't but i was saying i don't do it every time i don't do it every week i don't do it every i'm just saying that i have on occasion when i know i've drunk too much i've been drinking cocktails from one in the afternoon to to midnight

and i know this is why you're never at work have you have you um have you are you still bunged up or are you alright now I'm alright we didn't need to do the back side we've done the front side let's do Thursday Sean my bum

you famously only went did four poos in the whole of 2012 I enjoyed every last one of them let's talk about an excellent

swimming dad like the Nokia 32 10 game snake let's talk about an excellent swimming dad who to our knowledge, has absolutely no problems with his bowels or his bladder.

It's from Will in Beijing, who's a regular emailer. Hello to you, Will. He says, hello again, gentlemen. I've always enjoyed the dad behaviour trope on the show, but I couldn't think of any way that I could fit the man into a story for you until now. My dad is now in his mid-60s,

but, like Luke's, was a county-level swimmer back in the day. Surrey versus Hampshire was presumably a battle for the ages. I did think about that. I thought, I wonder if my dad is now in his mid 60s but like Luke's was a county level swimmer back in the day Surrey versus Hampshire was presumably a battle for the ages I did think about that I thought I wonder if my dad actually sort of swam

against your dad Will because they're probably the same age my dad's the same age as that I mean has it really gotten to four years in my dad is swimmy swimmy than your dad

Pete I think my dad can swim your dad I don't know what planet you're on because I'll tell you something now if we found out that my dad raced against a listener's dad in the 60s in swimming, in a county-level swimming race, that would be, that's content.

Yeah, it would be like Becker-McEnroe. Did they battle off against each other quite a lot? It's McEnroe-Borg, isn't it? McEnroe-Borg, right. What's your point? I'm just saying it, like an epic battle for the ages. Your dad and... What was that noise?

It was the spring. Your bladder. We need to end the show. So anyway, Will says his dad's in his mid-60s now, who was a county level swimmer. He said he didn't really mind that his two kids both got massively into football

as long as we were both decent swimmers. Fast forward to a 2010 family holiday in croatia the parents stayed at a hotel down by the bay kids in a rented flat on the other side of the bay after lunch one day dad challenges any takers to a swimming race across the bay the way you've written that was like he just shouted it across the bay because you're on different sides he says will says i was the volunteer. My dad offered me a head start, brackets arrogant, but thinking that he's about 55 and I'm 21, I can take him. Not only does he beat me,

he also has enough time to purchase two pints of Croatian lager, get a table and laugh as I finished a one kilometre swim across a choppy bay a full two minutes behind him. Last time I went home in summer 2019, we went for a swim at the local pool in Dorking and he can still do two full lengths underwater on a single breath and finds it hilarious that neither of his kids can manage it. For me, this is peak dad behaviour.

I hope you appreciate it. Cheers, Will from Beijing. Yeah, talented dad behaviour. Again! What is going on? Again, I can't believe it. Just leave it alone. I didn't touch it. It just went off in my hands mother stop stroking it it was just there

is your dad a good swimmer yeah he is actually but he's a big fat man he can float yeah naval man he said his his veins open up and it's just water

do you think you have to have a swimming test to join the navy yeah I think you do yeah you can be bad at it but you still have to I think it's not that because the whole idea of the navy is to stay on stay on a ship isn at it, but you still have to. I think it's not that, because the whole idea of the Navy

is to stay on a ship, isn't it, really? Yeah. You're not getting the best swimmers, are you? If you are, you're getting the worst naval officers. They're mutually exclusive. Yeah, exactly, yeah. I know that a good friend of mine was in the Navy for a long time and he said that every so often when they're out at sea,

they used to do these man overboard drills. And it was pretty intense. Yeah, I bet it was. I bet. I'd like to hear more about that. Do not. Anyway, look. Well, that was fantastic.

Yeah, fantastic stuff. I'm a pretty decent swimmer, you guys. I could turn over a kilometre, I reckon. Yeah. And we started talking about this originally because Vish, our friend and confidant, can't swim. Right, okay. Cannot swim. Oh, is that right? Interesting, can't swim. He cannot swim.

Oh, is that right? Interesting. No, exactly. There we go. Right, I think that's about as much time as we've got for today. Yeah. It's been bloody enjoyable.

We'll try and do less bladder and bowel chat on Thursday's show, but we'll see how we go. We just heard that Prince has died. Oh, not again. Oh, dear. Not again. We can do some kind of purple rain joke or

no no no let's just go alright see you later on thanks very much for listening hello at Luke and Peach dot com is the email address we are at Luke and Peach

on Twitter and Instagram have a bloody lovely week enjoy the weather and we'll see you again Thursday bye bye The Luke and Pete Show is a Stack Production and part of the ACAST Creative Network.