The Luke and Pete Show - A fare skipper banged to rights

Episode Date: September 11, 2020

Pete’s been caught red-handed skipping train fares and Luke’s got a story about a suspicious looking sandwich being mistaken for heroin.Also on today’s show: school nurses, a cherub getting a particularly unsavoury body graft and niche movie merchandise.Get stuck in at [e-mail]!***Please rate and review us on Apple, Spotify or wherever you get your podcasts. It means a lot and makes it easy for other people to find us. Thank you!*** Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Good morning, good afternoon and good evening wherever you may be, wherever you may find yourselves right now. Welcome to the Luke and Pete show. This is your Thursday edition. It's like a special edition with extra extra in this little extra little gifts that come along. There is a promotional statue of Luke Moore and Pete Donaldson in your package. You've got a map detailing exactly where both of us live. That is the deluxe package for this Thursday's Luke and Pete Show. Mine is Pete

Donaldson. Hello, Luke. Did you enjoy your map? Did you receive your figurines? I did, thank you very much. And for those who have trouble finding the joint midlife crisis at the centre of the park just follow the free compass that you get with your map and you will see pete donaldson's um formaldehyde penis grafted onto a cherub in the fountain in the middle of the uh middle of the park so enjoy that that is the

the centerpiece if you, of today's episode. Don't miss it. You can take photos, but Pete has requested very, I think very reasonably, there to be no flash photography of his grafted penis. But anything else is fine. And please do keep your distance. Social distancing is important to us. And do make sure that you let everyone get a look

at the centre the centerpiece at the wanger do not do not it does not need to be startled it is like a little mole um that's popped out of its hole uh grafted on a child uh in a in a fountain what a stone child let's make absolutely clear a stone stone child a cherub if you will not even would that be the worst thing anyone would that be the worst thing, anyone? Would that be the worst thing that we could possibly do? Graff my penis onto a child? I think probably. I'm off the top of my head,

and this show is all about thinking of things off the top of your head. Off the top of my head, I can't think immediately of anything worse. But I want to make it clear on Monday, I meant a cherub, which isn't even... It's a fictional being. It's not even a real thing. So it's absolutely fine. Pete, what other parts of the Luke and Pete show theme park do you think would be worth a visit for our lovely guests today?

I mean, there'd obviously be a flight simulator in the corner because we talk about that quite a lot. Big bag of cocaine in it. Big bag of cocaine or a liver. Poo. Everything will be smeared with poo. All of the little, as I said, a deluxe edition with a video game usually contains some kind of figurines,

maybe a hat, a promotional jacket. There's a really good Twitter page called Night Promoting. It's Movie Promotional Merch Unlimited, and it's basically the weird and wonderful world of movie merchandise. There's like troll cups that were sent to every single movie cinema

that was possibly playing Troll, the movie. You've Got Mail t-shirts with Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan. Not even for the movie release, for the video release, now available on VHS. Ridiculous. That'd be quite cool, though. Cool people would wear those T-shirts now, right? Oh, I'd certainly get involved.

There's a cool Masters of the Universe paper plate. Paper plate? I know, yeah. It's going to perish. There's like an Austin Powers International Man of Mystery 1997 mask that makes you look exactly like an approximation of the aforementioned

Austin Powers. Oh, I think I remember that. I think I remember that. Yeah, I'll tell you why. Because it was either because a couple of my friends, we used to love Mike Myers as as kids right we used to be obsessed with wayne's world and so i married an axe murderer and some other stuff that he did

and when austin powers come out i was only i would only be 15 or 16 and everyone was really excited and i think also that year um i went to florida with my parents on holiday yeah and i think that promotion the reason i it was either it was either the promotion that was done in the uk or it was only done in the us and i was there on holiday and i saw it and i remember thinking it as terrible as this makes me net sound now and i've never been the kind of guy to dress as austin powers i've never once done that but at the time i remember thinking austin powers was fucking great and that was a really cool thing so you know sue me do you remember do you remember when austin powers came out and that was a really cool thing. So, you know, sue me. Do you not remember when Austin Powers came out?

It was like a big deal, wasn't it? I remember, I think we've probably spoken about it before, but Mark Haynes who does the Wrestle Me podcast with me and when Austin Powers came out on DVD, they did a release party in Leicester Square or Piccadilly Circus. And so Mark was a stand-up of some repute back in the day and he had to do a full set dressed as Austin Powers, not doing any Austin Powers material,

to a cinema full of people who were waiting to watch a DVD release of a film that they'd probably already seen in the cinemas. Very, very strange days. That is really weird, isn't it? That's so weird. And also, it's probably the most uncool thing you can do, is dress as Austin Powers now.

I think when I went to go and watch the first couple of episodes of the final series of Sopranos at the Prince Charles cinema, they'd like a promotional thing. I think Capital Radio were involved and so I got to go. And there was a guy there sat next to me. He was very into Sopranos. The point of where he was putting an American

accent on dressed like one of them. These people, they walk among us. They walk among us. What was the thing you were going to say about Uncle Buck? Well, I'm just saying as in really weird movie matches. Is there a big massive piece of toast for Uncle Buck or a massive were going to say about uncle buck uh well i'm just saying like as in like a really weird uh movie matches is there a big like massive piece of toast for uncle buck or a massive

they've got they've got um uh a war of the worlds uh lamp uh slash torch slash radio uh kind of handheld radio that's fucking cool is it cool because they've just bought a cheap chinese light uh that also has a radio in it and they've written on the side of it the name of the film i just love how cheap they are i love it it's always really cheap it's always made it's always made in its um in its like um in their thousands in like china or something oh listen speak speaking of cheap luke i um uh i can only describe myself as being a big cheap boy this morning, except I've fallen foul of being thrifty. I've noticed that coming in from outside of London every few days,

there's not a lot of ticket inspectors around, presumably due to COVID. So I've not really been buying a ticket, if I'm completely honest, and just zapping myself in at the barriers, therefore pretending I'm coming from Watford Junction. And, yeah, £32.40 penalty charge this morning I got. Yes, yes! In front of a train full of people,

this penalty fare notice is given in accordance with the Railways Penalty Fares Regulation 2018 and is an authority to finish the journey detailed above without a break of journey it does not authorize you to undertake a return or any other train journey luke i may have saved perhaps 50 pounds over the past couple of days but i've just cost myself 32 pounds 40 bad bad bad boy you make me feel so good yeah that's the thing isn't it see is it a false economy or not because Because I can remember,

and I'm not saying that anyone out there listening of impressionable age should do the same, but when I was a kid, I used to go to Fratton Park to watch Portsmouth play every other Saturday, and I would get on the train at Portsmouth Harbour, and I'd go, Portsmouth Harbour, Portsmouth South Sea, Fratton, get off at Fratton. There's absolutely no point in getting a ticket

because there'd be 150, 200, 300 people on the train all going. And they would never check, right? And the barriers would be open. No one was going down there. And it got to the point then where I felt like, even if I did get a fine, I've been doing this for so long, I was still so far in pocket that I kind of made my peace with it. But I never did get stopped.

Yeah. Well, for me this morning it was very much the embarrassment of uh of me pretending that my train line up wasn't was malfunctioning this whole sorry little dance that I was doing in front of a a very crowded now uh a train vestibule um at uh half past seven in the morning did you get accosted by an actual human being oh yeah you know, it wasn't even just like an online thing where they clocked you.

You actually got caught by a human being. A man in what looked like he was wearing a stab vest. So I don't know how spicy it gets on the... I'd love to have been there for that.

You'd have been so awkward. What did he say? What did he say? He was very jolly. He was very jolly. And to be honest, I took one for the team because I know for a fact there would have been a lot of other people on that carriage who hadn't paid for their tickets.

You should have snitched. Well, look, I held him up. I spent ages doing the little, oh, I don't know, cough on email about the ticket, blah, blah, blah. It's a return. And the thing is, I showed him the ticket. I showed him what I thought was the ticket or what I could, you know, I had plausible deniability about whether it was a ticket or not.

And he was like, that is a ticket from Watford Junction. I was like, oh. So, you know, that makes it worse because you could have said, oh, I just forgot. Oh, I didn't really know. But you've actually been devious then. He knows that and you know that. He knows that. But he's very jolly about it.

He gave me my dirty little charge. He said, this isn't a return ticket. I said, yes, I understand how fines work. Do you want to fight about it? I didn't say any of those things. But I slowed him up enough so that when we came into the station at Houston, nobody else got checked. So thank you

for my service. What should have happened is you should have been dragged into a room and he should have said to you, you are going down for 10 years for this. But if you give me the name of who sorted you out, you can go free. I'll give you immunity. And you and your lovely girlfriend can have

a separate identity. You can move somewhere in the Midwest and you'll never be seen again but i need names and you stood tall you've weeped it you stood tall i know yeah no exactly you'll never take me alive copper i said as i paired with my monster attack as i wet myself in an aspirin attack yeah oh you must... I mean, you're taking it well, but do you think there'll be some kind of knock-on psychological effect next time you travel? I don't know.

I mean, they say... How are you going to play it? I mean, I feel very much like this could be the new True Crime podcast. I feel very much like the subjective serial season one. I will have... After this episode is released, I will have Sarah Koenig

on the phone saying, what's his price? And I'll say, look, he's a purist, he won't do it for money. Probably not,

he won't buy. This is a collect call from Pete Donaldson at Watford Trade Station. Hey Pete, listen, did you, you know the world's

gone to absolute shit, which actually, to be fair, has served the Luke and Pete show very well because there's always something to be talking about and you know yeah we can talk about what's happening in the you know the collapse of democracy at the behest of of weak strong men all over the western world and beyond we can talk about wildfires in the in the in the west coast of the us we can talk about brexit covid all this kind of stuff

there was an earthquake in the UK yesterday as well. I'm not going to talk about that. It was only a little one. Apparently, the reason I'm not going to talk about that, and I know I'm kind of being ironic here by actually talking about it, is that I read that and I thought, that's quite interesting. And it made the front page of the BBC website.

And it said, and then the first paragraph of the story said, there are 10,000 of these a year. So it's not a fucking story, is it's happened is someone some old lady or some busy body or whatever is just called up the local police station said i think there's been an earthquake and then you know there was a slow news day anyway i wasn't talking about that what i was going to talk about was just when you thought the world couldn't get any weirder or worse or worrying. Apparently, mystery craters have started opening up all over the Arctic tundra. Oh, right.

And there was one recently found. There's been quite a few found. One's recently been found, as in the last couple of weeks, is 50 metres deep. And they've started to become a lot more prevalent, apparently, since 2014. And the reason for it is unknown, but scientists think it might be underground, what they're calling cryogenic eruptions, which basically means ice volcanoes. Wow, come on.

Yeah, exactly. I was thinking to myself, first of all, that's fucking cool, to be fair. Secondly, I was never really told that ice volcanoes are a thing. I didn't really know that they would affect us. So I feel like I want some more information about it. I know. I mean, we've got the antarctic colossus melting at a ridiculous rate now now ice volcanoes exist i'm not sure i seem so inert and sort of

literally chill why why is it exploding why is ice exploding and the expert who was quoted for the story i mean i reckon scientists do this on purpose but a few of these like i've said to you before i've told you a story about something that's happened scientifically and it's like interesting or weird and i think the scientists are being quoted doing this on purpose now because the final quote in this story by this um expert about he's an expert on cryovolcanism apparently and he says um you know this this there are there are special microbes that can live at low temperatures. This can happen, that can happen, we don't know.

And he just signs off by saying, this world has simply not been explored. And I was thinking, fucking get Jeff Goldblum in, because I feel like there should be, as people always say, all the bad things in the world that happen start with people ignoring a scientist. And I don't think we should ignore this guy. Or not paying your train fare.

Yeah, exactly. You could have used that as an excuse. There was an ice volcano. They're opening up all over the place. Open your eyes, man. There was a load of earthquakes in southern England this week. Can you guarantee this train is not going to somehow, you know, the train track isn't going to warp

under these conditions, sir? It's a good point. I'm not paying for destiny manifest. Destiny manifest. Also, in this new era of you claiming expenses, are you going to cry and claim this train fine as an expense? No, well, I'm owed a... The thing that annoys me is I'm actually owed

half a Eurostar trip from Lille a few weeks ago that was just outright cancelled. And actually, to be honest, the thing that is really grinding my bloody gears, I had a flight booked next week, week after, to Japan. Booked it in probably about April. I thought even with my less than sunny disposition, I thought, hey, look, it's worth a tickle. It's worth a little tickle. And British Airways have done their level best not to give me a refund for flights that they have cancelled themselves.

And that seems to be the experience with a lot of people. So I was confused by that because I read that earlier this week as well, that BA who can be – I mean, I always use BA because I think when I first met Mimi – Yeah, they're a cut above the usual. Well, it's just reliable and I don't have much time to spend with her and I always wanted to make sure I made the flights and the flights weren't late or whatever. Because they get the best slots, don't they, at UK Airfields and stuff.

But I read exactly what you just said there. I didn't know you were affected by it. But I spoke to BA the other day because I didn't know what was happening with our annual trip for Thanksgiving. And he said to me on the phone that because we booked it after March the 3rd, we can call up at any time up until the day before departure and claim vouchers or move it or whatever to wherever we want. And realistically, I know this is like a hugely privileged thing to say,

I do recognize that. Realistically, we're probably going to go on hold at some point. So I was kind of pretty relaxed about it because if we can't go in November, I'll just push it to next year or whatever. Because you can book up to August 2021, apparently. Yeah. I mean, at the risk of this turning into a consumer advice watchdog show, it's galling to say that they make it very easy online to be able to change your flight

that was just outright cancelled by the company. Make it very easy to claim a voucher for future travel. They don't really make it very easy to claim a voucher for future travel. They don't really make it clear. In my case, I'd bought like £1,000 worth of air miles to complete a booking to use my companion card, companion trip, whatever. And so I had to go through all these hoops in the first place. They've not really made this clear that I'll get the air miles back.

They've not made this clear that the £1,000 that I spent on air miles will still be good, et cetera, et cetera. but they've not made this clear that the £1,000 that I spent on air miles will still be good, et cetera, et cetera. They make the submission of this voucher very, very easy. But if you want to rebook or if you want to use the voucher, you have to ring up. And they've just got this system where they just don't answer the phone anymore. The BA hack, I've said this to you before, Donny,

the BA hack is to DM them on Twitter. Their social media team is actually decent. They called me back straight away when I did that. Right, okay. That's the hack. I just fucking DM'd them with the booking reference and kicked off a little bit, you know, in the way that I can, but not in like an aggressive way.

And they called me straight away. Honestly, they did call me straight away. But one thing I would say is if you're a history, if you are a person with a history of skipping fairs and getting caught for it, they might not be as generous with their time to you. That's all I'm saying. Yeah. It's,

it really counts out the blue tick when you're a bad boy for life, doesn't it? Absolutely. You weren't going to take it off you mate. You weren't going to take it off you. You weren't going to get some of your account privileges removed. Oh, listen,

should we have a little break? And then when we come back, we'll talk some more and do some emails. All right, then. Hi, I'm Nicole Goodman. And I'm Lauren Mishcon. In 2020, self-care can seem like yet another overwhelming job for women. Every week, we test out a new kind of self-care so you don't have to. Firstly, can we just clarify how we pronounce it?

Kombucha? Kombuch? Yeah. Kombucha. Kombucha. Self-care club. Wellness road tested. So that was the first day.

You know, it was just the not slipping into the complete default mode of what I normally do, which is have a go at my husband for what he hasn't done. And, you know, all of that stuff, I kind of stopped. OK, so it was more the absence of meanness rather than the projection of kindness at this initial point. Yes. Listen now on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or wherever you get your pods. This week, we are testing out menstrual cups.

How are you feeling? Dreading it. I know that you love to give a practice that's all about down below i'm not interested i've never even really thought about it since before i met you never thought about your vagina until you met me it doesn't get a lot of air doesn't get a lot of air time no it doesn't the self-care club is a staccato production let me just do a burp The Self Care Club is a Stakhanov production. Let me just do a burp.

I've done my burp and we're back. It's the Luke and Pete Shop part two. We're going to pass through some emails, if that's all right with you. Is that all right with you, Luke? Is that all right with you? Yeah, it's fine. I mean, I trailed it before the break,

so I feel like I'd be hypocritical if it wasn't. You go first. Go for it. Oh, I thought you't. You go first. Go for it. I thought you were going to go first. Here we go. Come on. I was doing the intro. I was introing the second half of the show,

so I was throwing it open to the mower, the mower man. I'm in the engine room here. You're on the deck showing off to all the fancy guests. All right. I don't know where we are in this analogy. On a boat, in my mind, but I didn't make that clear. Hello at LukeandPeteShow.com is the email address to get in touch. We bloody love hearing from you, so please do send us an email if you've got something to say.

Just for example, if you haven't caught up on Monday's episode yet, we heard of a man who was showing off to his five-year-old daughter and accidentally swallowed his own wedding ring. That's the kind of level of correspondence you can expect on The Luke and Pete Show. I've got an email here from Ben, and it's more chat about Death Valley. Oh, yes.

The part of the world that's had more attention from us on the show recently than any other. He says, long time listener, first time emailer. This may be a bit late for your content on Death Valley. It isn't, Ben. But I thought I would get in touch as it's a form of procrastination that takes away from a marketing presentation due tomorrow. Back in 2012, when we were still drunk on the Danny Boyle love note to the UK, which was the Olympics opening ceremony, myself and seven other university friends took a three-week road trip around california aside from taking a piss next to russell brand

introducing the cast of get him to the greek to jaeger bombs and shouting muse at matt bellamy as he crossed the road in front of us in la probably the highlight for me was our drives through death valley it's kind of a thing to shout out random things at famous people. It used to be anyway. I remember when I was in London way back in the 90s with my mates

just for a day trip and we saw Nick Hancock. Remember Nick Hancock? I mean, what could you possibly... Did you shout, do you think it's all over? My friend Phil

kept shouting at him, they think it's all over. They think it's all over. They think it's all over. Oh no. Yeah. I mean, Nick Hancock would probably love that now to be fair, wouldn't he? He'd love that now. He would, but all over. Oh, no. Yeah. I mean, Nick Hancock would probably love that now,

to be fair, wouldn't he? He'd love that now. He would, but also, I mean, there's him, and I mean, there's two people who you can shout they think it's all over, but then also... Well, Kenneth Watson, he's dead, obviously. Well, go to his grave. He might be on his gravestone.

He might be on his gravestone. Well, it isn't. What, do you think on his gravestone? I don be on his gravestone. Well, it isn't. What? Do you think on his gravestone? I don't care how playful you are with a deceased relative. You're not going to write, he thinks it's all over. It is now on a fucking gravestone to a man who's a celebrated Well, Spike Milligan, legendary comic Spike Milligan's got. I told you I was ill on his.

Yeah, that's it. That's a great gag. Great gag. Spike Milligan, by the way, speaking of which, sorry, Ben, we'll get back to your email very shortly but it's a slight tangent i was watching the other day i was showing my my wife um a couple of spike milligan things because she'd not really heard of him and i think he's brilliant and for those who don't know he's like an old comedian in you know i think the 50s and 60s or whatever and um he got have you seen the video of him getting

a lifetime achievement award at the comedy awards? Oh yeah. That rings a bell. And they call him up and he's really old. He must be like in his eighties and they call him up. And he said, the first thing he says is about bloody time. Right. Which is funny.

And then he says, and then Jonathan Ross is presenting and says, Oh Spike, before you, before you go, I've got a little message for you from a very famous fan of yours. And he reads out a letter from Prince

Charles, right? And half a letter John Theroux says to him, what do you think about that, Spike? And he goes, the grovelling little bastard. Anyway, anyway, Ben goes on to say, for for one i can confirm they do request in death valley air conditioning is turned off on your car and the air temperature when we were there was

around 52 degrees c which for a group of idiots fresh out of uni meant let's roll up the window to see how long we last uh c photo attached two Two of us did not fare well. Yeah, it looked like they were about to die. I don't endorse that. However, the most remarkable event happened when we arrived at Furness Springs. The temperature plummeted to 25 degrees. The skies darkened and the wind whipped up. Then the heavens opened in the most torrential downpour.

The storm was so violent, it knocked the power out to Furness Springs and flooded all the roads due to the surrounding ground being so sandy we thought that in a moment of patriotism only a group of 20 something ex-students from lancaster could bring water to the desert as we left death valley it left us with something which to my mind must be quite uncommon a rainbow in the desert and he's attached a picture of that as well very beautiful he says genuinely love the show and uh along with other content for stakhanov it kept me sane during lockdown during a cold spring where i now live up in finland all the best ben so more death valley

chat and now he's living in finland he was so put off by the heat of death valley he probably moved to scandinavia is finland in part of scandinavia i think it might be might not be i think it is it's crack it's one of those it's one of those countries cracking on for Russia. Yeah, but I think some purists would only say Denmark, Sweden and Norway are Scandinavia. Oh, yeah. Well, yeah, I think they certainly regard Finland as being completely separate.

Because, as I said, the border of Russia is very, very close. I'd spend a lovely weekend there just before Christmas. Fan-tastic. Fan-flipping-tastic. We're very, very close. I'd spend a lovely weekend there just before Christmas. Fan-tastic. Fan-flippin-tastic. We're very, very chilly. I'm going to take it down a little bit, Luke, as is my want and as is my style. It's a bit expected.

Lewis. Lewis says, Hi, guys. My name is Lewis and I'm from South Wales. After listening to last week's episode in which you mentioned a colleague taking a shit in the shower, it brought up some harrowing... Oh, that was ages ago now. Why are we bringing that up again? Come on.

It was only said two days ago. And to be honest, with the last email I genuinely enjoy the show. I think that's dabbing with faint prayers, quite frankly. You either enjoy the show or you don't enjoy the show. I genuinely enjoy the show. I genuinely like the olives. It's a bit like saying, I don't care what everyone else says about it. I genuinely enjoy the show. I genuinely like the olives.

It's a bit like saying, I don't care what everyone else says about it. I think it's all right. Yeah. It's the passive aggressive person on Come Dine With Me going, I genuinely love this cake. It's not dry at all. Eating a dry cake.

After this last week's episode, I wish you mentioned a colleague taking a shit in the shower to prop up some harrowing memories from when I was in my early years of high school. I believe it was on year eight when one day after our PE lesson, which involved running laps around the school rugby field for 45 minutes,

we got back to the PE changing rooms and were met with a rather unpleasant smell. One of the boys peered around to the showers to find a great big pile of shit on the floor. As you can imagine, with a room full of 12 and 13-year-olds, the room erupted with a mix of laughter and uproar, which prompted our PE teacher to burst into the room

to find out what was going on. When he clocked on to what has happened, he took the only approach you would expect from a professional high school PE teacher. That's right, he held the door shut and trapped us all in the room, laughing at our cries for help. I'd write that.

Yeah, not bad. Hot box them. We all started to heave. Two of the boys even threw up. A few hours later, a few hours later, I presume they'd unlocked the door a little bit earlier than that. A few hours later, the PE department launched a full-scale investigation to discover the culprit.

One by one, we had to stare at the three teachers in the eye and say, it wasn't me. I'm not sure if it's just me, but unless you're Hercule Poirot himself, this doesn't seem like a fair way of determining the guilty party. Eventually, after realising they were no closer to the truth, the oldest and most strict of the three PE teachers uttered this line,

which then became iconic folklore in the school. Settle down, everyone. This is a doozy. If I hadn it my way, I'd make you all bend over and show me your arses. Then there'd be no question. I see what he's trying to do there.

Yeah, a good 12 years has passed. A good 12 years has passed and the culprit has managed to evade the sentence to this day. If you're out there listening to this right now, I've chosen to forgive you. Oh, that's nice.

Nice little end to that. Nice little twist. That's a happy finish, so to speak. Yeah. Do you know how I would have done it, Pete? Do you know how I would have conducted the investigation?

Is it broadcastable? Yes, it is. What I would have done is I would have, because kids, how old are they going to be? 14? Not going to be that clever.

Some of them will be quite clever. A lot of them won't be clever. And also a lot of them won't be confident because they'll be going through adolescence and all the rest of it. So what I would have done is I would have sat down with a few of them and said, look, technology is so good these days

that we've got swabs in the matron's office and we can DNA that easy and we'll get an answer back in two or three hours to who it is. To who that is, yeah. And if no one owns up to it and we find out who it is, which we will,

you're going to be in big trouble. So I suggest you go and tell your pals and the person who's done it, come to me quietly on their own and we'll sort it out. And I guarantee you that'd work. What, you guarantee you'd find the poopy Peter? i reckon someone would own up because they'd shit themselves literally they already have shit themselves but you know they wouldn't be able to do you reckon that would work or is that we just be it sound like a dad i mean the

question i would be asking uh even in 1989 when i was in in junior school um or primary school uh i would say uh where the fuck is the matron's office? We know we don't have a matron's office. Your story is nonsense, sir. Backfired. Nonsense. Didn't you have a matron's office? Didn't you have like a nurse?

Not really. Only when nits were around. The knit nurse would come round and check that you didn't have nits. Who sorted out your asthma then? An actual doctor. off school premises. No, but what happens if you had a problem with something like your asthma when you're at school, is what I mean? I mean, I presume an ambulance would be called.

Hello at LukeandPeach.com if you had a nurse or a matron in your school. For me, this was a standard thing. I didn't realise how grim it was up north. Well, no, we had a caretaker. He was found behind the bins one day, dead. Was he really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What happened?

He died, Luke. Yeah, well, I understand that, but you've said it there in quite a callous way, so I just wanted to know what happened. It was slightly after my time, but yeah, a lad, his son was in the school, but he um i think just a heart attack that's really sad he did have a very red face but the his son used to go out of school and he it was a couple years after we left but um yeah wow i remember um i remember um my school at one

point becoming completely obsessed with um for no reason uh with uh heroin heroin and just being convinced that the kids were all going to become addicted to heroin literally for no reason and one of my friends who was like a perfectly well behaved normal young man

heroin addict standing in the car park and basically in class and getting pulled aside by one of the teachers taken to an office and they showed him some cctv of um him with a foil package standing in the car park right yeah and obviously what had happened was one of the teachers one of the heads of year just watched some fucking film where they were cooking up heroin on some foil. And it was literally just this foil packet of sandwiches. And he was like, look, it's just sandwiches.

Here's the foil. It's got crumbs in it. They were like, okay, we've got our eye on you. And he was like, all right, well, thanks. So I'm just saying that schools can do weird things sometimes. I remember sort of walking around with it. For a day at home, I just had a spoon, like a little spoon in my hand.

And I was just, I just always had this spoon, a little metal spoon, metal teaspoon. Little frozen sausage of it. Little frozen sausage of it. I was walking around and my mum like grabbed it out of my hand because she'd seen me walking around with it in my mouth. And I, what is on that spoon?

What is on that spoon? Like I'd been cooking up heroin. They're like, what is on that spoon? What is on that spoon? Like I'd been cooking up heroin. I was like, what? It's just a spoon, man. I've just got a spoon in my mouth. Did you just have a spoon or something?

No, I think, I presume it started like that, but in very, you know, it's a gateway drug, isn't it? But yeah, I had the spoon in my mouth and my mum grabbed it

because most heroin addicts, they just spoon it into their mouths, don't they? They just grab it. Yeah. That's what the tea spoon's for. Get it in the bag.

Speaking of illicit substances that you can consume in the home, me and producer Charlie from Stakhanov's fan football show, The Football Ramble, just walked from the station at Highbury up to the office and next to a park bench, two bottles, empty bottles of a Benelin-style cough medicine. Ah, scissor. Someone's been making that mad scissor, that purple drink.

Purple drink. That's someone with a southern rap vibe in Highbury. That's crazy. I know. They should step forward. It's gone to shit. It's someone with a southern rap vibe in Highbury. That's crazy. I know. They should step forward. It's gone to shit. It's gone to shit. Go back later and leave a sign there saying,

if you're into kind of mad, chopped and screwed hip hop, call this number and we'll find out who it is. We'll help you out. Look, it could be Marcus. You never know. He's on my list. Charlie, I'd put him down more of a secret power um i'd put uh but charlie saw me at the point that right do you remember

when like every rap video i had um and you know i don't watch a lot of rap videos but the ones that i watched uh because they were talking about purple drank which i found fascinating and the thing uh where it was like um it was a Jolly Ranchers, cough medicine and Sprite, you know, just all mixed together. They would always drink it out of polystyrene cups. No, it's out of what they call solo cups, isn't it? But like, as in, yeah, the cups were made of polystyrene. No, I think they're just plastic, aren't they? No, polystyrene, that's the point.

It was never plastic. It was never, you know, a blingy goblet that they could have been drinking their fancy drinks out of. The rappers would always signify that they were drinking this particular medicine, medicine sans frontier, out of the polystyrene because it was like a kind of like short-hand turn.

Look what I'm having a drink of, aren't I naughty boy? But why polystyrene out of all the cups you could choose to drink it out of? Fascinating. If someone's got the answer to that, I would like to know. Also, I think part of the reason I think that they were drinking it is because in the US,

cough syrup, I think it's got codeine in it. Yeah. Which is an opioid, right? It's not like drinking cow pole here, which is just paracetamol, basically. It's proper full-on. And there's obviously an opioid epidemic in the US at the moment. So I'm just saying, if you're going to make very sweet-tasting cough syrup, which has got codeine in it, available broadly, people go and drink it.

That's what I'm saying. It doesn't make you very sleepy. Yeah, to me it just sounds like heartburn. Sprite and cough syrup and Jolly Ranchers and the same thing. It sounds absolutely awful. I'd be dropping a Zantac immediately. I'd be dropping a Renitidine immediately. Benilin chasers.

Not Benilin, what's it called? Rennie chasers. Mine would be Jolly Ranchers, 15 Remy gels. Can you even get Remy gels anymore? I the Remy Gels. Benelin chasers. Not Benelin. What's it called? Remy chasers. Mine would be Jolly Ranchers, 15 Remy Gels. Can you even get Remy Gels anymore? I miss Remy Gels. They're chewy, not chalky. I can imagine people saying, fucking hell, look, have you just popped five pills?

No, they're all Remy's because my stomach is in bits now. Remy's and Jolly Ranchers look identical, but it's just a very anemic white version of the Jolly Rancher yeah it does it looks like same shape anyway Pete we should probably

get out of here because we're way over our time and you've got big things to do today so I'll let you go people can hear you I mean actually

by the time this episode comes out people can hear you on yesterday's Football Rambler as well which you're off to go and do now I'm going to head off

and go and get myself a cup of tea. This has been the Luke and Pete show for the 10th of September. Go on, Lukey. Add one to the number nine. Have a lovely rest of the day. Yes. We've got him early. Hello at LukeandPeteShow.com,

at LukeandPeteShow on Twitter. Do stay in touch. Do let your friends know if you enjoy the show and we'll see you next time. Say goodbye. Little cherub. Get out of my face. You mess. This was a Stakhanov production and part of the acast creative network