The Luke and Pete Show - A female voice

Episode Date: March 16, 2020

In the absence of Pete, Luke is joined by Laura Kirk of Stakhanov's Revisiting to discuss some tales in the life of Florida Man, why she likes going to the cinema alone and just what it's like living with an Andrew Flintoff obsession.We also hear from some more listeners whose drunken shortcuts have gone awry, try to understand why cryptic crosswords are so hard and discover an entirely new type of beer situation that will probably leave you with a sore throat.To get in touch, it's: [e-mail], or @lukeandpeteshow on Twitter***Please take the time to rate and review us on Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your pods. It means a great deal to the show and will make it easier for other potential listeners to find us. Thanks!** Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello and welcome to a very special episode of the Luke and Pete show. I am Luke Moore of course, but my man Pete Donaldson is not with us today. He's gallivanting around on his holidays. I know people will be scared about Pete's whereabouts and his well-being due to Corona, but don't worry, he's on a planned trip and he will be back, we think, next week. But he's all fine, there's nothing to worry about him. As regular listeners will know, I worry about him quite a lot because he finds it very difficult to get through the day unscathed. Like, for example, last week he not only forgot his keys in the office, he forgot his entire coat and got all the way home before he realised.

Now, I'm obviously not doing the show on my own. That would be boring even for me. I'm absolutely delighted to say that from a fellow Stakhanov Stable podcast, the excellent revisiting, it's Laura Kirk. Hello. Hey, Laura, how are you doing? I'm good. I was waiting for you to kind of finish off that ode to Pete. You experienced that firsthand, I believe. I did, actually. So I saw Pete coming out of the studio looking cross, but, you know, how he normally looks. And I was like, oh, you know, how are you you doing and he's like I'm not going to do his accent

I'm bloody annoyed I've got all the way home and I came back and I realised I didn't have my coat or my keys and I was like but it's freezing

how can you walk out of the studio without a coat I guess it's because he's from the north of England something you or I would know nothing about totally

and on that note do you think you've got experience of Pete? We don't exaggerate what you like, do we? Not at all. The first time I met him, I was, one, surprised at how small he is. I don't know, in my head I had him as being tall, don't know why. But also, I was just intimidated by how strange he was.

And I was like, okay, fair enough, this is on brand, I should expect it. But still, in person, you by how strange she was. Yeah. And I was like, oh, okay, fair enough. You know, this is on brand. I should expect it. But still, in person, you are just quite a strange human being. Because I said this to Marcus of Football Round World Daily, and he said, oh, it's weird when people say that, because people do say it all the time. And because Marcus said, if anything, I think we downplay it. Oh, I agree.

Also, because the first time I met him, he was wearing a checked suit. And I remember thinking, that's not... That's a bold look. That's a bold look. And brown shoes, I think. I think we were all just casually... I was like, this looks like someone who's just kind of wandered off a stage show or something. Like, really strange. Well, I often call him a provincial hypnotist, is what he looks like. Yes, exactly.

Laura, tell us a bit about... I mean, by the way, you're the first female voice we've ever had on the show. Yeah, smash that glass ceiling. Yeah. Yeah, because you have to be so qualified. In podcasting, we do use the phrase female voice rather than just woman. Tell us a bit about revisiting the show

that you regularly present. So revisiting started as a show where we read out my teenage diaries so I kept a diary from the ripe age of 13, wrote in every day and I stopped writing it when I was about 19 at uni so for the first couple of seasons we read aloud the most interesting bits of my diary and we've also interviewed on the show lots of people who were i guess famous and have potentially featured in the diary during the mid-naughties so dick and dom um connie huck abs from five so all the all the big people from the mid-naughties apart from uh andrew flintoff

apart from andrew flintoff um you're too scared to interview him i don't think i'd be able to speak um i honestly i honestly don't so and fl Flintoff features very heavily in my diaries. He was my hero. He was my god, as I've described him. I've met him once, and I was just a total mess. So I don't think I'd be able to actually conduct a decent interview with him. I think the photo I've seen... So for those who haven't heard Revisiting, you should go and listen to it now.

Just go and search Revisiting wherever you get your podcasts and subscribe to that. It's brilliant. But the funny thing is, since I've come to know you through that, I remember when we first became friends on Facebook, there was a photo of you in Leicester Square with Andrew Flintoff, who, for those, again, who haven't heard, Andrew Flintoff looms large throughout the whole period of your adolescence so the picture of you sat you're either standing with him or sat with him on some bench in leicester square because you've just bumped into him and um i don't want to i don't want to be rude this is this is difficult for me because i'm really rude to people all the time and i don't want to be rude to you

your face is so red it's almost as if you've seen you you know, like you've been given the key to life itself. And you've just experienced it. I mean, it's not a good look for me either. So for the listeners, I've got ginger hair. Yeah. So being bright red in the face is not a good look anyway. And I also had no makeup on that day at all. So it's not a good photo of me.

We are actually, we're not sat down. We're sort of squatting, which was a kind of really weird vibe because I was so flustered that I couldn't, and I do quite fear this if I ever run into someone famous, which is I can't get my phone to, like, the cameras the wrong way around. I'm like, I'm shaking. What was he like? Really polite. Really, really polite.

And I was just babbling nonsense because I was trying to fill the silence during I was during the time I was like you're on your own I was on my own that's not so bad then no but I mean in the time it takes me to essentially you know put the phone around get the photo like yeah right I think I've said I love you I've always loved you um I've got a photo of you on my wall and I've had it there since I was 13. And he was a bit like, oh, that's really nice. He's thinking,

at least I'm in Leicester Square, there's loads of people around. I know, and he's probably just like trying to carry on with his day and there's this bright red-faced, panicky girl. He probably still remembers that now. I'm sure he does.

I reckon he went home to his family that night and went, you'll never guess what happened to me today. As long as he knows I exist, then I'm fine with that, Luke, to be honest. Yeah, it's better than it used to be, I guess. Obviously, so yeah, go and listen to that now. It's not all about Andrew Flintoff. For those of you, actually, people might not even know who Andrew Flintoff is.

He's a famous cricketer in the UK. Or he was. He's retired now, for those of you listening. Now host of Top Gear. Now host of Top Gear. Now host of Top Gear. And I will say this. I have no interest in cards. No interest in cards whatsoever. But I will be there Sunday night, 8 o'clock.

Do you still like it? Absolutely, yeah. That's crazy, isn't it? My boyfriend hates it. Because he's like, you're just watching this because of Flintoff. And I'm like, yeah. Is that right? And your boyfriend's also Australian.

Yeah. And Andrew Flintoff was the scourge of the rest of cricket, because he was obviously decent. So it must be particularly painful for your Australian boyfriend. Do you know what? I think one thing my boyfriend said

is that actually people in Australia love Flintoff. Yeah. It sort of transcends the rivalry, because he's a decent, he just seems like a decent bloke. The Australians will love him, because he loves boozing. He loves boozing, yeah.

He's a little bit overweight. Yeah, yeah. He's a little bit overweight. Yeah, exactly. He's a bit wacky. So he doesn't really mind it in that sense, but I think he is more annoyed that every time he comes on screen, I'm like, oh, it's hurting. I should have put plastered flints off pictures, because I should say, because of what's happening with coronavirus,

we're actually recording this in my living room. Laura Kirk has made the journey from just down the road, actually. We live alarmingly close. Yeah, to my living room. So the show sounds a bit different, and that's why. It's not going to sound quite as different as when Pete and I were walking around New York City, and we did a 10-minute detour to find a lip balm.

That was a particular highlight of the Luke and Pete show. People can make their own judgment on the quality of that content, and they did, and they very much did. Right, the bar is quite low there. Yeah. I feel less nervous now. You've presumably listened to a couple of these. I have.

So they're what me and Pete like to call, well, actually, what I like to call the real test of a broadcaster. You've got to do half an hour about nothing, really, whereas Pete probably refers to it as, oh, that show that Luke makes me do every Monday and is really boring about it and makes me go into this studio early in the morning and I don't want to do it.

Well, when I texted you yesterday or a couple of days ago being like, do I need to prep anything? As soon as I sent it, I thought, I don't need to prep anything. I've heard this show. Yeah, you do. There is no prep that's done for this show. will prep nothing what we do is we go into the studio um say we have to start at nine pete um gets in about five to nine i'm already in the studio i hear him coming to the office i hear him hang his coat up he walks in he turns the air

conditioning unit off he sits down he hits the button and then he just starts talking that's talent don't say that that's encouraging that's encouraging him i would love to be able to and unfortunately i do but not with the best results rock up to my job with no prep just sit down and deliver can't relate you said it's talent but have you heard it um i you know i don't think there are enough shows where there is no actual subject to it i think you know people don't think there are enough shows where there is no actual subject to it i think you know people people take podcasting quite earnestly and i think there are not enough shows that are just about people talking that's true give us um give us a subject then what have

you been doing well obviously you know limited by what's going on in the world uh the reason i'm not addressing this is because if i if this were pete i would ask him he would have some mad opinion about it um but and he but he's not here so what I'd like to do is maybe give people a bit of a break because it's coronavirus everywhere so maybe we can give them a little bit of a departure a little bit of a holiday from it by just talking about general stuff just normal life what do we do before yeah but also obviously understand that you can't be irresponsible we can't just go out and live our lives as we would normally because that would be unfair to to vulnerable people but let's let's keep it um corona free uh well on that note i did actually go out irresponsibly um saturday so i've been i've been sort of you know what was it called social

distancing yeah i've been doing that all day and it got to about five o'clock at night and i thought god i'm going stir crazy at home so i decided to book myself um into cinema for a solo trip. On your own? On my own. That's alright as long as you stay your distance and... Well this is the problem when I got to the... so I went to the Everyman cinema which is very fancy in King's Cross. Of course you did because you're really posh. There's nowhere near where you live, just go to the cinema down the road.

But, well one they didn't have the film I wanted which was Dark Waters which was very good. What's it about? I love a business scandal I love a big scandal. I don't know why I'm absolutely obsessed with Dark Waters, which was very good. What's it about? I love a business scandal. I love a big scandal. I don't know why. I'm absolutely obsessed with Enron, that kind of thing. It's because you're social class, upper middle class. You love all the crimes. Everyone loves crime. Everyone's interested in crime. But you love like the proper white collar crime, embezzlement, fraud, insider trading, right? So 10 minutes

in, we've had the first dig. So if I were to watch a movie about crime, I'd go and watch something about, probably about a robbery. Okay. Or a drug deal. Fine, fine, all right. I like high class crime.

It's like the Demini ones where it did say, she said, my favourite crime is art theft. All right, great. So anyway, I went along to

the Everyman Cinema, which i've never been to before i've heard it's lovely and it is so you can book yourself like uh you get a sofa yeah between you just kind of electric in portobello exactly um so i booked myself uh an armchair so if you go by yourself they do have kind of designated seats for the losers that go go by themselves and i was hoping when i looked at this the screen there was almost nobody else you know actually booked in when I got there it was almost full oh really I was like oh okay yeah so you know I've got me in my armchair and there's completely full row of guys all eating drinking because they're going to bring the drinks to you and I thought I don't think this is this isn't quite right is it I meant to be social

distancing but that was the first time I've been to the cinema by myself were you self-conscious not really not at all i just i walked in there's a lovely bar i got myself a drink they deliver it to you which is the best thing ever yeah i just thought actually this is great did anyone try and talk to you though no that's london isn't it it's brilliant yeah don't i wouldn't talk to someone why would you talk to someone what on earth could they possibly want? But outside of London, outside of the percentage of people who talk to each other more, I've noticed when I go running,

if I go running down where my parents live or out where Mimi's from, every time you run past someone, they'll sort of say hello. Ooh. In London, no one says anything to you. If anyone approaches me in London, I get a bit scared

because I'm like, you're either going to rob me or something else. But actually, I'd say at least once a week, I get a bit scared, because I'm like, you're either going to rob me or something else, but actually I'd say at least once a week I get approached on the tube or when I'm out and about and asked if my hair is natural. Oh really? Genuinely, yeah. And I'm usually like,

okay, are they going to insult me, are they going to compliment me, which way is this going to go? But yeah, I'd say once a week I get a stranger coming up to me and saying, hi, is that your natural hair colour? Oh, it's lovely. Or they'll just walk off. I'm like, oh, okay. Oh, really? I never knew that. I know, there you go. That's interesting. I feel like if someone comes up to you on the street in London, it

happened to me yesterday, actually. It was a guy asking for money. You're like, please no photos. I'm just in my family. I'm trying to live a normal life. I've already got one. So a guy came over and asked me for money. I said, look, sorry, mate. I walked off. But I'm so used to that happening in London that sometimes it will be a tourist who's genuinely just asking for direction. No, no, I've got no money.

And I don't even take my headphones out. And I'm like, no, I see it. Sorry. And I'm like, oh, sorry. Hang on a minute. I'll try and help them. I don't know if it's particularly in Oxford Circus. There's people selling magazines and photo shoots yeah I don't know if you maybe

maybe I've had this because you're not a time audience no but that's been going on for years I know but there's always some guy who's got like a brochure and he's like do you want a makeover and a photo shoot and I always regardless makeover thanks mate um it's like your natural hair colour yeah makeup um if I've got my headphones on I just always say I'm on the phone oh really okay I'm on the phone yeah nice and just walk off nice it's like the old telemarketer thing that we've uh we set the listeners as homework is that um the best one to do is when they call up and the reason this is the best one to do is because it's a win-win for everyone because i understand that if you're doing telemarketing or you're working in the call

center i used to do that job it's not. Most people don't want to be doing it, but they want money. I get it. So when they call you and they say, oh, is Mrs Kirk there? Or in your case, Ms Kirk there.

You just say, oh, hang on, I'll just check for you. Put it on mute. Leave the phone on the side. They're on a call. So they get paid. They haven't got to do any work.

And you don't get bothered. And then you see how long they stay on the line for. I've had people stay on there for eight or nine minutes before that's commitment i've actually given money to a telemarketer um through just social guilt so my university always call up during easter and ask for money right um you know if you donate to the college or whatever they absolutely do not need money it's not like it's a charity yeah but i was on the phone to this girl for so long and they're students

they stay during the Easter holidays to ring up and I ended up giving them a hundred quid and afterwards I was like why did you do that? why did you do that?

just put the phone down it's not like she can see you did you follow through you have to do it on the phone yeah they take your card details everything and I was like

I'm so angry with myself it's like Pink's like that I've given a hundred quid to a college that's worth like billions of pounds Pete's terrible for that he gives money away like it's gone out of fashion

I remember once we went out for a drinks Pete and I I think it was in Berlin and it was like eleven at night and

there was no cash point around and I was like Pete my debit card's not working to pay by card. That old trick. The thing was, genuinely, I'm not tired of money at all.

I'll happily pay my way. And I said, can you lend me some money so I can buy this round and I'll pay you back tomorrow? And he said, yeah, no worries. And he gave me 100 euros. And I was like,

I don't need 100. Treat yourself. Just take it. So he gave me 100 euros. It gets better than this. He gave me 100 euros. All right, fine. So I made a note of it on my phone, walked around you know did we did whatever we did that night and then i went

back to the hotel separately and uh and although i've shared a bed with pete for a week before that wasn't great anyway so about a week later we're back in in london and we're in the office and i said oh by the way i've got that 100 euros you, but I'm not going to bother about doing the conversion. So he's just taken 100 quid, right? Gave it to him. He wouldn't take it. He was like, no, as far as I'm concerned, what happens on a night out is what happens. Don't have to pay me back.

I was like, Pete, it's 100 euros. I'm not taking 100. And he would not take it. I had to leave it on the table and he just wouldn't pick it up. He wouldn't take it. I mean, we all need to go on a night out, Pete. This is ridiculous. If you can go on a night out Pete this is ridiculous if you can go on a night with Pete do it he's so generous

to the point of is that generosity or just frivolous do you reckon he's just like no no no I'm the guy who lends the cash everyone will like me he's basically buying your affection by the way have you seen my house keys

and my coat yeah exactly alright let's take a quick break after the break we'll come back and we'll talk uh emails we'll do emails that you guys listening have sent into hello at luke and pete show.com um so stick around welcome back to the luke and pete show uh with me luke moore and laura kirk hello i almost said pete then oh Oh, thank you. No, that's a big insult. That's really mean. I know I've got my make-up on, but it's a bit harsh.

Pete's always got make-up on. We're sat in my living room. It's nice and quiet, actually. It's very quiet, actually. We live on a lovely street. Thank you. A lovely residential street. Yeah, we got very lucky.

Very lucky with that. Our cats might come in at any point. Magnus or Hercules could walk in and start meowing. Well, that was the promise about why I'm here early on a Monday morning, and I've not seen them, so I'm feeling a bit ripped off, to be honest. No, you're the opposite to Pete. You're an early riser. You like doing stuff early. That's true. So it's good for me, that. I prefer to get that stuff done. Yeah, that's true. This is late, actually. Usually I'm a 5.45 wake-up kind of gal. Oh, really? Yeah. Does that not catch up with you by the end of the

week? No, not really. What time do you go to bed? 11. Oh, man, that is a killer. I just don't need that much sleep. You won't be doing that when you get to my age, I'm telling you. Well, it came because when I was younger, I was one of those kids who I couldn't tell the time for ages. I found it really difficult to tell the time at all.

So what I'd do is, when I woke up, I'd basically open my curtains, and if the sky was like a dark blue colour, that's when I knew it was time to get up now that's fine in the winter it's probably seven but in the summer that's probably four o'clock in the morning and that's just when I got up so that's kind of how I what do your parents think about that um well they used to buy me crayons and things to keep me busy so I basically draw in my room and then slip my drawing under the door for them to wake up to what great kid I mean is that why you're such a high achieve I mean I saw your high achieve you went to a good university but you're still doing the same job as me but uh what what um okay I'll leave that I'm not gonna nibble on it but okay

is that do you reckon you did did you do a lot of did you manage to get a lot of school work done because you're up so early no I always I always used to draw. Just draw pictures. And I still do from time to time when I'm at home. So it wasn't like I was getting up, smashing the hustle, wearing a good LinkedIn statement about how I was up at 3am, drinking an egg white protein shake. No, no, no. I literally just used to draw, usually pictures of flowers with my crayons,

until about 7 o'clock when it was actually time to get up. That's crazy. That's why I'm an early riser it's funny you mentioned linkedin because you and i are both fans of the crap on linkedin twitter account people look basically if you haven't seen it this is a um it's just called crap on linkedin it's just uh screenshots of people embarrassing themselves on linkedin uh telling stories that basically aren't true with some kind of mad message about um about how it can make you a high achiever. The sub-genre of that is the things that my kid said. Oh, yeah.

He's like that about business, right? Yeah. So good. Yeah. Yeah, it's weird. It's a weird thing. I was just trying to find one to read out. I'll find one later.

But yeah, emails, hello atlukeandpeachshow.com to get in touch, we've got a load actually people have been emailing in in their droves which is great, do you want to start Laura? shall I kick off with what Florida Man's been doing? Oh yes, do Florida Man for your birthday have you got one for your birthday? I do have one for my birthday do you want to hear the birthday one first? Yeah please do

so I typed in for a man and my birthday quite a niche one as they all are, Florida Man Robbs store dressed as Spider-Man. That's quite good. That's quite good. Yeah. Just turned up, well, apparently he came twice,

so he tried to rob the store once, failed, and then came back wearing a Spider-Man mask and successfully robbed the store. So, if in doubt, throw on a Spider-Man mask. That reminds me of the, have you seen a film called White Men Can't Jump

it's a classic movie 90s Woody Harrelson Wesley Snipes it's about two basketball hustlers yeah it's really good

Rosie Perez was in it as well I can't remember who directed it it's good and there's one scene where the guy hasn't got enough money to pay for it

because they gamble on basketball matches and he hasn't got enough money and so he puts a balaclava on and legs it down to the local

corner shop and tries to rob it and he goes give me all your money with a gun and the guy behind the couch just goes raymond is that you he goes no no this ain't raymond he's like get that fucking balaclava out of here it's classic it's linkedin things there's i found one crapped on linkedin from someone who said he's taken a photo of a child on the tube and said, this kid this morning has made my morning. Unlike every other kid on the tube within her, all glued to mobile phones, he's doing a crossword. He smiles every time he gets an answer.

There is hope. Fucking get on with your life, mate. Stop taking photos of kids. Don't take pictures of children on the tube. Yeah, exactly. Like, don't do that. Today's climate. You shouldn't be doing that.

That's very strange. Has he posted the picture on? Yeah. Oh, my God. Yeah. Also, I'm sorry, but if he's doing the shouldn't be doing that that's very strange is he posting the picture on yeah oh my god yeah also I'm sorry if he's doing the metro crossword that's not that impressive

the metro crossword's for idiots can you do the times one no that's hard absolutely not do you know what I can't do I can't

and this probably says more about me than anything obviously I can't do cryptic crosswords I just can't get my brain in the right mode to do them which ones are there so basically you get so with some crosswords. I just can't get my brain in the right mode to do them. Which ones are there? So basically you get,

so with some crosswords, you'll get like literal clues. Oh, yeah. So you'll be like founder of, you know, whatever. And some of them will be cryptic clues. So you can do, obviously it'll be cryptic. Yeah, I think some people's brains

just don't work in that like kind of lateral, you know, not all of us are gifted, basically. I'm obviously in the same camp as you because I can't do a cryptic crossword. I can't do Sudoku as well. I cannot do it. I can't even do an easy one. And it really annoys me when I see people on the tube just like, you know, folded over newspaper, going for a Sudoku.

I'm like, what is this wizardry? How does this work? I can do a Sudoku. So, for example, a cryptic crossword clue example would be something like... So, this example, a cryptic crossword clue example would be something like... So, this is nine across. It's two and six. And the clue is, race around inside tree madly to duplicate crime scene.

What? Exactly. So, you've got to get your mind in this weird kind of mindset to do it. No, no idea. Yeah. I mean, people listening will have got that straight away and be like, you idiot. Anyway, so email about Florida Man. So this one is from Pilot Dave.

Oh, Pilot Dave's a legend. He's back. Yeah. Hi, guys. Just tried out the Florida Man search, and it came up with this. Florida Man arrested for pretending to be a ghost at a funeral. Classic. Now, I don't know where your head goes there, but mine is grown man with a sheet over his head. Yeah. Running around going, ooh so inappropriate do you ever that irish guy recorded that audio recording of him trying to get out the coffin genius absolutely genius that's

something i think if i did knock knock um my mum would be horrified by she'd be like just so disrespectful laura and i'm like well i'm dead yeah but the parting shot to the whole family and friends of what they remember you by, I mean, it's funny, but is that really

what you want to go for? I don't know. I wouldn't want to go for that. no, no. I find that kind of stuff pretty awkward.

Yeah, I think there's a tiny place for that kind of humour, that's probably not it. What about this from Kevin, who's been in touch

and says, after hearing about the terrifying drunk journey home one of your listeners took when attempting a shortcut across a muddy horse field. Do you remember that one? Yes. Yeah.

It took me back to a childhood picnic in the New Forest. Beautiful part of the world, New Forest. Oh, lovely. There I was sitting happily on a picnic blanket, munching on a slice of pizza, when one of the famous wild horses that live in the New Forest took an interest in my lunch. Do you know about this? Yes. There's wild horses everywhere.

I hate to say it, but I did my Duke of Edinburgh bronze in the New Forest. Of course you did. Which is great because it's flat. Not the in-betweeners. Kevin says, with me being a small child and horses being massive, I thought it best to get up and make a hasty retreat. Unfortunately, my route of choice was around the

back of the horse, which proceeded to give me a massive kick up the arse, leaving a very defined and painful horseshoe imprint on my bum cheek. My parents led me to the car where they inspected the damage while I leant over the passenger seat when a passing family inquired what had happened. I don't think it would have taken a genius to work it out, but there you go. Have any of your listeners suffered injuries at the hands or hooves of wild animals?

Cheers, guys. Kevin. Oh, my God. any of your listeners suffered injuries at the hands or hooves of wild animals cheers guys kevin oh my god see that that's actually i mean i can see the humor in it but if you get kicked by a horse it's bad that's really bad my friend i told you my best friend got bitten by a horse yes yeah it's not he that i know i've probably said this at the time but it was many many episodes ago in the next day in pe when he took his shirt off it was i mean it was he got bitten in the back and thrown on the floor as a 14 year old or whatever it was when he like i said when he took his t-shirt off in pe it was horrific was it the scar was about the scab was about that big so you know when you see a scab on someone's skin it's like oh it's a little scab and normally

they're about the size of a penny or whatever if if you're unlucky. This was a scab, like, the size of an Easter egg. Oh, because I was thinking of this the other day. Well, when you just mentioned it there. I don't know why I chose Easter egg there. Yeah, a large Easter egg. But, like, a horse's teeth, they're not sharp, are they? No. But there's just a lot of them, and they've probably got quite a lot of leverage on the jaw.

A lot of power, yeah. Yeah, so I imagine that really hurts. Speaking of that, you know how a crocodile has got like so much pressure in its jaw it can like smash bones and stuff but actually it's got no power at all

when it's opening its jaws so all the muscles are to clamp not to open so you can so you can you can force it open presumably

if you're in a situation where you need to but I've seen I've seen it in a zoo where they've got if they're doing something or they're trying to fix a cage or whatever,

you can keep a crocodile's jaw shut just from an elastic band. Oh, that reminds me of one of the worst videos I've ever seen on the internet. And not with a guy that gets his arm bitten? No, even worse. I remember this, like this was kind of the early days of YouTube.

My brother and I were kind of playing around and this thing popped up about a man putting his head between the crocodile's thing. It was like a kind of stunt show and this guy basically puts his head to demonstrate the kind of, I don't know, something to do with a crocodile. And it goes really wrong because the crocodile basically snacks its jaws together on his head. Right. I just remember thinking, oh, my God.

And then my mum coming in and being like, what are you watching? What are you watching? I'm always assuming that those crocodiles, when they do that kind of thing the crocodiles are sedated right which is very cruel it is cruel and also you know i understand that on the surface level ostensibly what you're witnessing there is horrific but from like a moral like philosophical level if you are the type of human being that puts your head in the crocodile's mouth you probably deserve it yeah pretty much and then suddenly you've got a family, and it's very sad, but really, don't be doing that.

But he did survive, but he did have these massive, like, puncture holes down his face. And the thing about that is... What are you doing that... Why put your head there in the first place? He's going to be scarred like that for life. Yeah. And every time someone asks him, he's going to go,

oh, I just put my head in the crocodile's mouth? Why are you doing that? You'd have to come up with the best story. Although, if you've got little puncture wounds down the side of your face, there's no real other excuse. And it is a good story, but it's just one that makes you look ridiculous. Yeah, agreed. Have you got another email there, Laura?

I do, yes. Hang on a second. All right, so this comes from David in Melton Mowbray, which I feel like is somewhere near Berkhamstead. Is it? I don't know. I've definitely seen a sign for Melton Mowbray because it sounds like it should be cheese but it's not.

It's pies. It's pies, isn't it? Is it pie? Melton Mowbray is like pork pies. You wouldn't know anything about pork pies. You're posh. Why would I not know anything about pork pies? Melton Mowbray apparently is in Leicestershire.

Okay, not in Berkhamstead. Not in Berkhamstead. To be fair, it's not a million miles away but it's not that close. Apparently they do also make Stilton cheese. I'll take it back. Okay. But they're known for pork pies. There we go. That's why I know it. not a million miles away, but it's not that close. Oh, apparently they do also make Stilton Cheek. I'll take it back. Okay. But they're known for pork pies.

There we go. That's why I know it. Anyway, so he says, hi, Luke and Pete. All right. Rude. I'll take that. Rude. Yeah.

Start off with, my remote control batteries are just some Kodak heavy duty AAAs. Kodak. Okay. It's the average. Standard bearer. Yeah. It's not a new player. That's the ready salted.

Yeah, it is. I think so. Yeah. Of the battery world. I think so. Currently catching up on the show and have a new suggestion. That's the ready salted of the battery world. I think so. Currently catching up on the show and have a new suggestion

for great beers. Okay. I present to you the decommissioned rifle beer. Oh, this sounds specialist. Here we go.

This is the sort of thing an email people would read out. It's not going to end this one out and their head blowing off, is it? No. Okay, good.

Spoiler alert. A group of us were on a stag do in a big country house outside Barcelona in May 2018 and to our surprise found a small arsenal

of decommissioned weapons and a lot of dangerous farm tools oh god the classic stag do set up but it took a bit of a twist there

yeah after a short while things naturally turned to can we drink from them and once we found out that the rifle's barrel was open we proceeded to use it as a beer bong oh jesus he's attached a video um but says while it was obviously great

fun at the time i'm pretty sure it left a few of us if at least left me with quite the sore throat for the next few days after we returned home yeah you're probably drunk you probably drunk a good amount of rough i've got to say lead all that kind of stuff in there. Yeah, it's not good. But great for the bants. Yeah, of course. Great for the stories, great to be able to email into a podcast to tell the story. And that's why you want,

that's what you want it for, bants, right? Your generation's all about bants, right? Everything you do is for, can I share this on social media? Yeah. Can I email into a podcast about this? It reminds me of the scene,

have you seen the film Platoon? No. You haven't seen any film? I don't, I literally, any big film, I've never seen it. Short Track Redemption, never seen it. Really? Forrest film i've never seen it never seen it really never seen it in platoon they smoke weed through the barrels of their guns oh maybe that was the inspiration might be might well be uh let's squeeze who sent that email by the way that was david grieve thank you david um good on you for not asking for your name to be

redacted as well that's what a lot of our less brave emailers do um here's a final email we'll squeeze in from dom because it's on the same theme as the horse thing earlier he says um darren's story last week reminded me of a horror night i had following a mate's birthday on the fa cup final day 2017 i'd had a few too many but i needed to head off as i was working i was working the next morning it was about one and a half miles down the road back to mine, in my worse for worse state I thought I'd take a shortcut through the countryside I don't remember most of it, save for those horrible

flashes of memory you get from a very pissed night out of the following lost in a field surrounded by half a dozen horses, all these stories about horses scaling a barbed wire fence climbing out of a small waist deep stream and literally rolling in brambles

it ended in me making my own way back to the main road I should have stayed on and being arrested for my own safety and taken home after a few people had called in about me I distinctly remember the very patient policeman refusing to shake my hand as he had in quotes no idea where the fuck I'd been I've attached some photos to prove it which he has and i've seen them he says thanks dom

um why is everyone taking shortcuts through like fields with horses in yeah i think we're getting to the stage with this theme of emails where i think i need to point out that um we don't endorse that kind of behavior don't do it but if you do we want to hear about it we we want to hear about it. We absolutely want to hear about it. But just think twice before you leave the pub the next time. The road is your friend. Because one and a half miles isn't that far. That's what, 20 minutes walk?

Yeah, 20 minutes. But you know when you're pissed and one, you think you're walking faster than you actually are and all you're doing is stumbling, zigzagging across the road and you have no concept of time as well. So you're like, oh, okay.

I remember... It'll take you 10 minutes. Yeah, I know what you mean. We went to, Mimi and you have no concept of time as well so you're like oh okay I remember take ten minutes yeah I know what you mean we went to Mimi and I and a few of our friends went to a festival on the Isle of Wight

in August last year and it was like a very small festival one of our friends was playing so we went along and because it was on the Isle of Wight

have you been to the Isle of Wight yes there was no for one reason or another there was no prospect of getting a cab and there was no public transport reason or another there was no prospect of getting a cab and there was no public transport

so we ended up walking back to our hotel and it was about an hour walk and I remember thinking because I had a few beers I'll be fine don't worry about it

and Mimi's a bit of a walker as well so that'll be good but honestly halfway through the walk because obviously you just get so dehydrated I had such a bad headache it was like my hangover

had come like really early and the last half hour was just horrific absolutely horrific it's never good it's never good to be doing long amounts of exercise

when you've had a few beers no and I think also I've done it a few times where I've been like no no no we'll walk guys we'll walk we're not getting a cab

we're not getting a cab and then if you're a woman and you've been in heels the whole night you've got to take your shoes off and I'm not I'm happy to do it do you put flats in your bag?

no why not? well because then you have to, I mean, this is obviously a problem for the female listeners. If you've, if you're taking flats,

then that dictates how big the clutch is that you need. Ah, yeah, okay. Your shoes have to fit in your clutch,

otherwise you're going to be walking around with shoes. So usually I just go barefoot. Would not advise. You can't do that in London. Would not advise, no. And also,

can't you just take a slightly bigger handbag? You could, but it might not work with your outfit exactly struggles all these things that we never

have to think of exactly you just enjoy your flat shoes yeah that's it no so I do regularly

people think I'm tall but I actually wear Simon Cowell built up heel do you yeah so I know exactly what you mean I wear a Cuban heel at all times

yeah you know the burning sensation that you get in the balls of your feet yeah it's like someone once said to me if you're a man only ever wear Cuban heels Yeah, you know the burning sensation that you get in the balls of your feet. Yeah. It's like someone once said to me,

if you're a man, only ever wear Cuban heels if you're Cuban. And even then, don't. Anyway, on that note, we should get out of here. And we're back on Thursday with another episode. I'm delighted to say, alongside Laura Kirk, she'll be back later in the week. Thank you very much for listening. Say goodbye, Laura.

Bye-bye. And do email in on hello at lukeandpeachshow.com. Let us know how you're doing. Hope you're staying safe in today's worrying climate, shall we say, and we'll speak to you later in the week. This was a Stakhanov production.