The Luke and Pete Show - A pair of festive rats - Christmas special pt.2

Episode Date: December 22, 2022

Today’s a great day for rats, as listener Louise delivers some good news on whether Pete should buy his mum one for Christmas.Elsewhere, we read your festive traditions, which include some top-tier dad behaviour, and we applaud anyone who wants to spend Christmas swinging a hammer about having pissed their pants.Have a great Christmas! Love from The Luke and The Pete.Want to contact the show? Email: [e-mail] or you can get in touch on Twitter or Instagram: @lukeandpeteshow. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's Christmas! It's Christmas time! It's a Christmas celebration of the Luke and Pete show and your Christmas traditions. Pete Donaldson with you, joined by Mr. Luke Moore. Luke, how the devil are you? Are you ready for Christmas? Have you bought all your presents? Have you got all your tinsel? Have you got all your

bottles of fizz to put in your books first to play a bit of Tetris on Christmas morning? I've left all my skier outside the house so the little yule lad doesn't come into my house to get it. But I am doing alright. Yeah, Christmas is fine. We're getting there. Obviously, the wife I have access to

is so thoughtful and so talented and so good with ideas around christmas that she kind of leads on it and i just do what i'm told and that works quite well for both of us um so when you said to me then oh are you ready for christmas i kind of felt like i am but then i also instantly felt a bit like a fraud because i haven't really done anything um right i bought the christmas tree i brought it home i'll help put it up um and i will do one of my favorite christmas traditions i mean we talk about christmas traditions this year right so one of my this show sorry and one of my favorite christmas traditions is after christmas pushing my christmas tree out the window so i haven't got to carry oh yeah you're doing that again that's yeah that's a bit it's

not the one idea i had that the wife i have access to thought was a bad idea but turned out to be a good one. It's the one time she actually said, to be fair, that was a pretty good idea. That's the only good idea I've had in our entire marriage. What if the tree flips out and lands through somebody else's window? It's unlikely to happen given the geography of the area. But I do make sure there's no one downstairs. Because we're on of the area but i i do make sure there's no one downstairs on the first floor so i do make sure there's no one downstairs i do make sure to avoid the tree sorry the plants in the front garden that the wife i have access to is most fond of

um yeah and lambeth council who generally speaking are not too bad uh they just say leave your christmas tree out and we'll take it away for you. But make sure you've got it out on a certain day. So we'd make sure to adhere to that. And then we're away. We haven't got to have pine needles all through the house, which is a really good thing.

Put a bit of hairspray on it. That's what they always say. What does that do? It just sort of glues the pine needles to the tree. Huh. I didn't know that. The same way you would

just tame an unruly barnet, it tames an unruly set of pine needles that might fall like the same way you would just tame an unruly barnet it tames an unruly um set of pine needles that might fall on the carpet otherwise so i just am told every year by the guy we buy the christmas tree from make sure you've got plenty of water it sits in and don't have the house too hot and it'll be fine for weeks i mean what is i mean the the tree if if the tree is the tree needs to be suitable for what I'm going to be doing at Christmas

I'm not going to have my house cold because yeah but I think generally speaking the longer the hotter the house the colder the less time it lasts for so it's a trade off

it's a trade off mate you haven't got to turn your living room into a fucking Nordic forest but you can't have it like 30 degrees in your house because it'll just die really quick

and the other tip is to not um buy if you're going to buy a real christmas tree don't buy one that's already wrapped up yeah because they normally been wrapped up for quite a long time and they'll never come out again they're just they just they're just they're just in bad conditions they don't last as long right and there's nothing worse i mean imagine this has not happened to me yet, but imagine your Christmas tree started to give up the ghost like three days before Christmas. That would be good.

That would not be good, Peter. Yeah. Welcome to the Luke and Pete show. Second of our Christmas themed episodes. Last time out, you would have heard us do Christmas traditions from around the world. We also did a few other Christmas stories,

including a man who found baby Jesus in a packet of Revels. Doesn't get more Christmassy than that. I'm sure we can all agree. But this time around, we wanted to do your Christmas traditions. So people who have listened to the show, who get in touch

and talk about their Christmas traditions, but also some of their Christmas themed emails as well. So we'll do it in a bit of a hodgepodge. We'll check it out. We'll chuck it in there, and we'll let you know what we think about all your correspondence. Peter, would you like to start with some emails around Christmas stories and then move into traditions like we did last time out?

Yeah, let's do that. That sounds nice. All right, so first up is an email from Lou who says, oh, this is asking for a little update as well about the fancy rat situation with your mother okay yeah i could do that i can do that so i'll read email first then you can respond it's from lucius hello local drummer boy and pa rum pum pum pete um love the present idea for your mother pete uh me and my husband i have access to have two rats called pratchett and Romero

and can confirm they make super loving and intelligent pets. They would know as soon as the cage was open to lie on their back for their belly rub and occasionally we give them a little bit of custard. Yes. I would say get your Mara Pera rats as they are very social creatures. I hope you and your kin have a lovely Christmas time. Thanks for keeping me entertained this year. That's from Lou. So belly rubs and custard custard if i'd known it was all about that i'll

be on board with the rats i would be a rat if it was belly rubs and custard i kind of am a rat belly rubs and custard is there is there like if you know like businessmen who are stressed out they either get dominatrixes to um stamp on their back or they and their balls on their balls uh and they uh or they dress their balls on their balls and they or they dress up as babies and pooch soil themselves I mean is there a rat version of that

just getting belly rubs and eating custard I'm sure you could find I mean there's something out there for everyone I think as long as your money's good I admire

I admire the in a way I admire the because you know we're not about kink shaming on this show whatever floats your boat it's all consensual

it's all good to me but what I would say is it's brave of those men of a certain age to be happily soiling themselves in a nappy

in front of people they don't really know because as you get older people listening to this will not understand the older you get

the more time you spend in trying not to shit yourself exactly yeah you might let loose the dogs of war it might it might never you may never be able to hold it in again because your body just sort of goes well you're a baby you know if you want to be a baby i'm going to make you sell yourself constantly in that high-powered business meeting your bowels just going well it's good enough for you yesterday so it's good enough for you today this is how we do things now.

In a high-powered business meeting, Pete. Yeah, in the middle of a PowerPoint to Cyberdyne Corporation. About a merger with Skynet. About a merger with Skynet, yeah, exactly. By the way, speaking of Skynet, did you see that Elon Musk went on stage with Dave Chappelle the other week? Right, okay. did you see that Elon Musk went on stage with Dave Chappelle the other week right okay very odd I can't really get my head around what's happening essentially as far as

I understand it Dave Chappelle did a really big comedy stand up show and it looked like it was in an arena I think it might have been the Chase Centre which is a massive venue and I'm not sure why because the video that I saw which was from a punter in the audience,

didn't cover this, but Elon Musk just came out. And then some people cheered, and then some people booed, and then I think Dave Chappelle made a joke that said, oh, it's all the people in the cheap seats booing, and Elon Musk laughed,

and then everyone started booing, and then the video got put up on twitter and then somehow it got instantly deleted and banned and the person posted got banned but obviously because you can't how did it get banned on twitter that seems really weird thing to right and then how did that happen i know and then people other people started sharing it and it kept getting shared because i guess someone found it some some kind of archive somewhere. And I just thought to myself, it's quite weird all this, isn't it? It's quite, especially like, I fear for characters like Dave Chappelle because he's always been sort of,

Vaught has been this incredible stand-up and stuff. But I think his trans stuff has, he got quite rightly attacked for what he was saying. All that bollocks. And he... I fear that he may go down the creator of Father Ted route and go mad and just bring reactionary figures out on stage every night. Yeah.

Men get weirdly defensive when they're criticised. And men who have had long, illustrious careers, and, you know, in Chappelle's case, have survived some pretty rough accusations and stuff himself. So, like, I don't know the first thing about it, really, but I just worry that men of a certain age do either have a fork in the road when they either climb down and sort of go oh okay fine we live in a different world like you know i've got

to be a bit more thoughtful about things and not be an idiot or two it's comedy fucking deal with it it's fucking comedy and the trans people and they always seem to go down the second route for me well i think isn't it interesting because like Chappelle is someone who, you know, rightly or wrongly, and I wouldn't be an expert in his work anyway. No, me neither. I get mixed up with Dave LaChapelle.

Well, that's... Who's a photographer or something? Yeah. What is that? Because they've got similar names, Pete? Very similar. Yeah, exactly that. Yeah, because the names are very similar, aren't they?

It's just almost identical. Yeah, it's like literally two letters different. Yeah, and Dave La are very similar, aren't they? It's almost identical. Yeah, it's literally two letters different. Yeah, and Dave Lala Chappelle is just, I mean, I don't know where to start. He made La La Land, of course, which is very well received. But I suppose just the point I was going to make very quickly is just that this tradition of like, there's a reason why there's a really strong tradition of African-American comedians

in the US through the eras, right? So, you know, just to name a couple, like Richard Pryor and Eddie Murphy and all the rest of it, right? And I think people want or maybe even do think that Chappelle's in that great tradition.

But every time I've seen him do stuff in the last three or four years maybe maybe a bit longer just pretty fucking basic stuff in my view pretty kind of shocked yeah but all of those yeah but all of these but all of these sort of stand-ups of that kind of vintage your seinfelds and stuff they go on stage and they just do the hits and they never had anything to their their their uber and they never change and they're just there to broadcast to the people who grew up with them effectively so they're broadcasting

to people who like Rolling Stones just going out playing like exactly yeah no one cares about the new Rolling Stones

record do they yeah people don't want change I imagine you know people won't want imagine if Peter Kay came out and did

a tight 50 on I don't know like social political like modern modern life in the Snapchat age. Like, do you want that? Or do you just want garlic bread again? You just want garlic bread again, don't you?

Do the garlic bread bit, Pete. Oh, where is he? Is he in a restaurant? I don't know. I just don't know it. I just don't know it. Is this garlic bread? Is it garlic in a bread?

If someone put garlic in a bread, I can't fathom this. Can't figure this one out. It's good. There you go. It's good stuff. And so everyone listening, just so you know,

that's the hallmark of a great joke. Anyone can do it. It's funny. Anyone can do it. I had to mute myself and it was so funny. Pete's one of the funniest people I know. So you put that material with someone

like Donaldson and you've got yourself a fucking pretty explosive podcast episode thanks very much anyway thank you I'm not sure how

Chris from Sydney's going to follow this on the email but he's going to have to shall I read it yeah why not it's a long one

it's unlike you to volunteer to read a long email Pete it must be Christmas rude absolutely rude Christmas Sydney a terrible Christmas night hello the little It's unlike you to volunteer to read a long email, Pete. It must be Christmas. Rude. Absolutely rude. Christmas, Sydney.

A terrible Christmas night. Hello there, little Pete. Long-time listener, but have never emailed in. You recently triggered a memory of an almost catastrophically bad Christmas night that my family had when I was younger. Every year, since I can remember, we have spent Christmas Day with some family friends that live around the corner from our parents' house. The hosting alternates between the two houses however this year even though it was our turn

we had lunch at the family friend's house because my mum and dad were renovating ours. After a relaxing but fairly unnoteworthy day we scurried home in the rain at around 9pm and were about to walk through the front door to have our final cup of tea before bed unaware of the pending disaster waiting on the other side. Throughout the day the rain had built up so much on the top of the makeshift tarpaulin roof that my dad, oh dear, that my dad had covered over our living room with that it was sagging down at around about head height. There was so much water in it that it was impossible to push it off from the inside and the makeshift walls that my dad made from wooden boards

were bending over and looked seconds from collapsing. For the next hour, we were all frantically running around, trying to make sure our roof didn't cave in, and flood the house. My dad helped my dad stand on a ladder in the pouring rain to scoop out water with a bucket. Me and my siblings were trying to support the weight and clean up the smaller leaks. Eventually, we'd managed to push all the water off the roof

and the rain subsided, after which we were all energised enough to play some more board games and have some nibbles. What could have been a terrible evening ended up being a real bonding moment for my family on one of the best Christmas nights that we still always refer to back now. Cheers to the podcast, guys. Keep up the nonsense.

Chris from Sydney. Just pushing rain off a bit of tarpaulin. Bit of bonding. Bit of bonding. Oh, it's great dad energy as well, that, isn't it? You've got everything you need there. I'll just put a bit of tarpaulin over that bit of bonding. Oh, it's great dad energy as well, that, isn't it? Like, you've got everything you need there. I'll just put a bit of tarpaulin over that. That'll be fine. Yeah. I'll put some kind of

sats, kind of walls. That'll probably be fine as well. It's not fine, is it, Chris's dad? But luckily the family have rallied round. What a lovely tight family unit, and that's what Christmas is all about. Family. I would poke a little hole into the water and drain

it off using buckets from inside i reckon that's what i'd do i like to think that chris's dad's playing some kind of 3d chess here where he think where he thought the family aren't as close as they used to be i need to find some way of bringing them closer together i know what i'll do i know there's rain forecast tonight i'm gonna i'm gonna threaten to absolutely ruin the house it's a small price to pay great stuff chris there's another chris who's got in touch as well chris sharp i mean he does not he's not said we can't use his surname um so i'm gonna use it chris sharp's been in touch he says uh hi guys got a christmas story for you every year up until the christmas of 2018 my older brother and i would buy a single present alongside the other presents for our mum that had to be something that would either piss her off or be pointless or a bit stupid.

After a few years of silly gifts, my mum got in on the action and would award a comically oversized Best Stirrer wooden spoon to whoever purchased the best gift. And award me and my brother coveted like winning the fa cup however this all stopped after 2018 my mum has a habit of spilling food down herself and making a big enough fuss about it that everyone knows who is around her i therefore decided to buy my mum an adult-sized bib for christmas okay when she opened it she was not pleased at all after presents were done and we were heading off to a family friends for christmas okay when she opened it she was not pleased at all after presents were done and we were heading off to a family friends for christmas lunch i asked if you wanted to take the bib with her she threw it in a drawer and said no more of these presents now in utter disgust i won christmas

that year and will be known as the last biggest stirrer with it in the sharp household chris sharp brackets the christmas stirrer it's gone too far it was always gonna go too far chris chris i mean what i would say is that what i would say is that you've to have that power over your like i would love to land a blow on my parents i'd love to get something that upset them but i'd but i just i'm just unable to to it. They don't care as much. So well done, Chris. That's a wonderful bit of work. And congratulations for being the biggest stirrer in the Sharp household. I can say this because my mum won't listen to this podcast, so it's safe.

When my mum came to visit in the summer, we sat in the garden having some lunch, came to visit um in the summer we sat in the garden having some lunch and um um the wife i have access to said oh um what does everyone want to drink and my mum said she wanted this ginger cordial that my wife likes have you had ginger cordial it's very middle class uh i think i've seen the bottle before it looks like cooking oil it does yeah it's from bottle green and it costs about fucking eight quid a bottle anyway um so my mom said she quite fancied some of it and um and so my wife made her some we took it out to the garden we're all sitting around the family a whole family were there just drinking uh soft drink and eating some lunch and my mom drank this ginger cordial and it made her really kind of cough because it's quite spicy ginger in there. It's like kind of a bit odd.

Proper stuff, yeah. But she insisted that she liked it. She kept drinking it and every time she drunk it, she would cough, right? And she would get like quite like, almost like choking because it was such a spicy taste. My mum doesn't really like spicy food,

but I think because she wanted to be polite, she insisted that she really liked it. And so after a while, I think the wife I have access to just went, come on, just took it off and gave her like another drink so anyway as a joke the wi-fi of access to has wrapped up a bottle of this ginger cordial for christmas for my mom to open that will go down well because my mom's got an exceptional sense of humor but yeah to me i feel like that's as far as you can push christmas presents like that you can't you can't be mean and i think maybe chris has crossed the rubicon there and maybe just been a bit mean and you're

sloppy man you're messy yeah so chris maybe ever think about this christmas take some time to think about everything the thing all the things your mum's done for you um what about getting getting got one about christmas bins pete surely you want to read that yeah big fan of that big fan of those christmas big australian one by the way good day gents with the bin and christmas chat the other day reminding me of my childhood experiences in darwin australia christmas is quite different here as it's uh 35 to 40 degrees and filthy humid christmas lunch is usually cold meats and plenty of prawns and other delicacies of the sea followed by a dip in the pool of course that sounds bloody great um yeah one of the tragedies of christmas is that some years, on some years, a bin day falls

on Christmas Day and the rounds don't get done. I can guarantee that there are few smells more foul than a street full of bins with kilos of rotting seafood carcasses that have been baked by a week of 35 plus degree days. Thank you for the laughs. Enjoy the Christmas pudding, Gethin. I mean, you would just open up the bin and let nature take its course. You wouldn't even try and close the lid

because that would just increase the heat. That would increase the maggots. That would increase the horrors of what was going on inside, wouldn't it, Lou? I think you're forgetting about the dingoes, mate. The dingoes, yeah, that's a good point, actually. The dingoes can get in there, though, surely. Surely.

You're saying that you would essentially let loose a wild pack of kind of predators in the neighborhood to just finish up all the carcasses yeah exactly exactly and then they'll take shit and it'll get even worse you're just not going to win you're just not going to win awful it happens in oh good i think it happens in naples a lot there's's a situation there, I think, where some of the organised crime gangs, the Camorra or whoever, they basically hold the city to ransom around garbage disposal and waste collection stuff. And sometimes if there's a dispute,

the rubbish just sits out there for weeks. And it does show you, actually. And the way COVID did this work shows you how thin... How profitable crime is? Well, just how thin the veneer of civilisation in in in the world i mean you don't think yeah the basically the only remedy i have to take care of a bin that smells in my house is to put it outside and hope that someone else takes care of it if that stops happening i don't know what i would do right yeah

so yeah it's quite a thin veneer um Hopefully getting Binday doesn't fall on Christmas Day this year and you don't have that smell to deal with. Finally for now, before we move on to people's Christmas traditions that they got into with us on Twitter, I've got an email here from Luke, which is the final Christmas email, I think, of the show.

This is quite a weird one. The reason I included it is I think it's up your street, Peter, although I can't really explain why. Right. luke says when i was about eight or nine the whole family was over at my nan and granddad's for christmas my nan's cousin an older bachelor let's call him herald i don't know why he's called him herald uh who lived near an asda brought a hammer with him for christmas day right okay yeah cool after having it concealed in his man bag throughout the day brought a hammer with him for Christmas Day. Right, okay, yeah, cool.

After having it concealed in his man bag throughout the day, he took it out when the booze, and probably schlur for me, was flowing in the evening and the room fell silent. He turned to my Persian uncle and spun the hammer showing the claw end and asked what this is used for. My uncle patiently answered,

it's for taking out nails. I never understood why he did it, but over the years I've come to realise he probably asked my uncle as a way of oddly forming a bond or striking a conversation with him, which when you think about it, is quite sweet.

Later on, however, Harold then pursued to piss himself in an armchair, which I now guess was a way of being able to stay over at my nan's for the night while his pants were in the wash. It's just a lot of chaotic energy in that email. It's a lot of chaotic energy, but he's a chaotic, you know, he's a... Oh, lordy. Yeah, but he's a chaos merchant with a hammer.

And you can never say that he doesn't have a hammer. I think this may be unfair on you you so just shout me if it is but in my mind I can imagine you sat in an armchair having pissed yourself with a hammer in your hand not a big piss myself guy no and if I have to say that one more time I can imagine you coming down

the middle of the night thinking there's some kind of intruder getting a hammer sitting in the armchair but you've had a few beers waking up in the morning you're still thinking there's some kind of intruder getting a hammer, sitting in the armchair but you've had a few beers, waking up in the morning, you're still there, you know. Yeah, I mean, I think,

I wouldn't piss myself. Yeah, I think, I could see myself waving a hammer around pissed but just showing off my new hammer. I've got two hammers.

Actually, there's one hammer down the side of the house I need to pick up. I've got a rubber mallet and I've got a hammer hammer. What do you mean down the side of the house? I don't up. I've got a rubber mallet and I've got a hammer hammer. What do you mean down the side of the house? I don't know why it's there.

What was I using it for? For some reason, I don't know. I'd cost to use a rubber mallet down the side of the house. I can't remember why, but possibly the fence post maybe. I didn't want to break the wood. I don't know. Either way, you've just reminded me, I need to go and collect a hammer from the side of the house.

Exactly. So I think the cap fits happy to provide a service happy to provide it happy to be in thank you very much for that Luke I appreciate it

I mean really getting across the kind of occasional chaos and quite a lot of uncertainty that surrounds

a lot of people's family Christmases so speaking of that I asked people to tweet in with their Christmas traditions and what really came across was the pathos of our listenership.

Yeah, okay, fair. Not that many of them were positive. I was hoping it would be a lot more kind of, you know, we all sing around the fire, you know, and think about the people that we lost throughout the year and light a candle for them and then, you know, have a drink out of respect it wasn't that no um i'll read you through a few

of my favorites this one from jack have we have we gone for an ad break yet oh fucking hell we haven't done an ad break let's do that the second okay let's do that yeah let's do that we've got a little mini second half we'll sorry everyone but i'm not being funny we don't get paid if we don't do the ad so get fucked enjoy them welcome back to the second part of the look at beach show thursday edition no batteries but we will be going through some of your christmas traditions that you got involved with uh via twitter and other places as well so thank you very much for everyone who got involved there's a lot of fantastic stories in here a lot of fantastic stories in here, a lot of fantastic traditions in here. And it's just very weird that you guys are so weird. Yeah, I'm reassuring.

Yeah, I'm going to kick off with Jax. Now that my sister and I are firmly adult age, the extent of our traditions now is watching my 60-year-old father thinking he's still edgy by not opening his presents until as late in the day as possible while nobody else cares or acknowledges his behaviour anymore. It's good stuff. Spiritually, he's basically very much spending Christmas alone. Yeah, but also, he's clearly got your attention.

So don't give the big licks that you don't give a shit, Jack. You clearly do. You say it's pathetic. You say it's annoying. You say it's excruciating. And you say that he thinks he's edgy you're all watching though yeah you're all watching him open that little bottle of whiskey or whatever definitely i mean it's kind of i like the idea that jack implied in this is that jack doesn't even care what his dad's reaction is

to the present he bought him for christmas yeah exactly i've given it now my bit's done so you open it wherever you want big man it's up to you you open it in fucking july for all i care i've done my bit there was a lot of messages that we'll probably get we might get to where it was just um people opening their presents very late in the day anyway uh and it's not something i subscribe to i want to once well twice went to a jersey christmas that um where they would do that a couple of presents a couple of stocking fillers at the start of the day then you'd have christmas dinner or whatever and then you got to open your big presents I I just I don't want to live in a world I don't want to live in a world we kind of did that because we had a situation where

when we were younger um we would open a couple of little bits in the morning yeah and then we'd have breakfast and then we'd open a kind of quote unquote main present and then we'd have lunch at my nan and granddad's and then a lot of the majority of the present opening was probably done in the afternoon because we had to go somewhere else but what's weird that's weird to you but to me obviously as a kid i didn't really know any different because you don't see any of your mates on christmas day or anything so it doesn't really make any difference yeah so you know i guess you would sort of those kind of revelations sort of come up quite late and you're like oh that's that's

that's not what i do yeah um what about this from jordan who says my dad and i actually this is this is a very nice antidote and i'm not suggesting that jack's got any kind of problematic relationship with his own father i'm not saying that but that was a message that's it okay okay you say do you want to just say it and i'll move on to the next one it's got a problematic relationship with his own father i'm not saying that but that was a message that's it okay okay you say do you want to just say it and i'll move on to the next one it's got a problematic relationship with his dad we all have this podcast is partly part of it you know okay jack i guess what we're saying is you're not alone but um jordan has got an antidote to this by saying that my dad and i watched a great escape every christmas eve No idea why or when it started. We just do. I don't mind that. That's quite nice. The more I see bits of that film, though, I do sort of go, I mean, why is it so popular?

What are you talking about? It's a great movie, isn't it? I mean, I haven't seen it for years, but it's great. Yeah, exactly. Watch it. Just watch it. But the thing, what I like about it, I think, anyway, is just the fact that, just the fact that Steve McQueen,

and to be honest, the cast of The Great Escape, so many like proper stars in it. Steve McQueen, Richard Attenborough, Charles Bronson's in it, James Coburn's in it. There's just a lot of stuff to watch,

a lot of people to watch, and it's like a bygone era type thing but maybe i'm just old and admittedly i haven't watched it for years what what um what my family do the day that we're all together whatever day that is because sometimes we have to do different family routines or whatever because of kids and stuff now um is we always watch home alone together and that's a tradition for us and last year i got the home alone lego house for everyone to build which we built together which is really nice but as a part of watching home alone it's almost become

part of the tradition that i get annoyed with my sister for endlessly shouting out the lines at the same time that they do it on the film which i just think is unnecessary yeah i i don't think i've got anything we watched the um will ferrellrell and god who's the other guy in it, it was like a kind of Christmas kind of reimagining of Scrooge or you know Christmas Carol with Ryan Reynolds and Will Ferrell on Apple TV

good, two films up not a bad little Christmas romp even though again, two hours long it's a kids film, why bother but it's a musical I film why bother um it's but it's a musical i said this to you the other day i can't ever sit on there or not but i'm gonna say it again if diehard can get everything done in one hour 50 you should really be getting your christmas film down to one hour 30 maximum it's a musical it's a musical for crying

out loud ridiculous why do we need that why do we need the link not enough and it's good because will ferrell clearly can't sing so they they've used so much autotune. It sounds absolutely insane. Even now, in 2022, we can't get autotune right. So I read the other day that, so you know that, or maybe you don't know this, but Sir Ian McKellen,

the great Sir Ian McKellen, at the age of like 80-something, has made a quite triumphant return to pantomime. He's doing a Christmas pantomime. And it's Mother Goose, and he's the a christmas pantomime and um it's mother goose and he's the lead with john bishop the comedian and i saw a write-up for it the other day um which said it was absolutely fantastic and you know brilliant example of the traditional christmas pantomime but um apparently what makes it absolutely hilarious is that ian mckellen there's a lot

of songs in it and ian mellen is completely tone deaf, right? But still just throws himself into it, knows he can't sing, doesn't care, and everyone just thinks he's fucking hilarious. And this is what the write-up in the Evening Standard said. It's like a brilliant pantomime, but the real highlight is every time Sir Ian McKellen tries to sing. And he doesn't care. He just does not care.

He just does it anyway, which I think is a really great way of approaching it some voices are like really unachievable because they don't even get close to the note they're supposed to hit so you can't even tidy up you can't even sweeten the deal well i don't have any kind of scientific um background for this knowledge it's probably not even knowledge but a good friend of mine when i was in a band in school as a kid a good friend of mine who played bass, couldn't sing. And we asked him about it and we talked to him about it. And it basically came down to what he was doing when he

decided that he wanted to sing. Because he was basically completely blind guessing the notes. He couldn't process any of it at all in his mind. Yeah. And that's kind of heartening. At least I know where the notes are. You know what I mean? At least you know when you listen back to yourself singing,

you sort of go, that wasn't quite there. But some people don't have that. They don't really know what note it's supposed to be. It's amazing. And the reason I love that for Cian McKellen is because he could easily have said, I'll do this. I know I'll be a good draw. I know it'll sell out.

It's at the West End, I think. I know I'll sell out because I'm Ian McKellen but I'm not doing the singing because I can't sing and I don't want people to laugh at me what he's actually saying is yeah I'll do it anyway

I don't care I'll do it who gives a shit I don't care that I've been nominated for two Academy Awards I'll do it which I think is a great thing anyway

what about this from Owen who says we always wait until after the Queen's now King's, speech before opening our presents. This is despite the fact that no one in our family is remotely royalist,

and we barely pay any attention to the speech itself. I don't think I've ever watched the Queen's speech. I think I have, but it's all the same, isn't it? I mean, it's just kind of, oh, she's reading. Oh, okay. So this will be the first, oh, of course it will be, yeah. it? I mean, it's kind of like, oh, she's reading. Oh, okay. So this will be the first. Oh, of course it will be. Yeah, it'll be the first King speech.

Yeah. Amazing. That will be interesting. Adam Clayton's been in touch with you. I believe it's not the bass player from U2, although I'd quite like it if it was. Yeah. He says, we go for a swim.

My girlfriend, me, and my dog. But because we're total misanthropes, we go alone to our nearest beach rather than joining in one of the big community-fueled group swims elsewhere. I mean, I'm presuming they're down under. I'm presuming. No, I asked him.

I replied. I said, where do you live? And he said, I live in the Channel Islands. And I said, is it freezing? And he said, yes, it is fucking really cold. I don't know why people do it. I don't know why people do it. I like Fergus's one.

Our family gets a 40-piece Indian starter sharing platter and have it for breakfast on Christmas morning. Top-notch stuff. Fergus, that's wonderful. I thought that was a meme. Well done. When he sent that, I thought, this is a joke I don't get. This is like when I got busted for the Back to the Fuchsias Michael J. Fox thing.

Yeah, but I mean, if it is is it's a lot more difficult to no i just think it's just i think feeding a lot of people for any person who's you know tasked with the thing it's actually quite hard to do so just get a big fucking iceland fucking prawn ring fucking monstrosity yeah and just and just cook it but yeah just i like i love the idea of a 40 piece indian starting sharing platter because the clear thing about um indian, it sets you up so beautifully for food. You know what I mean? Like the spices get your mouth popping for food to come. Oh, mate, what a start.

For me, it's problematic because it's going to, the spices and stuff can play havoc with my stomach. The first thing in the morning. Drop a renitidine because the oil as well won't help but you know you you you if you are the sort of person who's going to fall foul of grease and spice and stuff i mean no but breakfast time that's business as usual for you you reach spaghetti bolognese for breakfast the other day yeah doesn't even register on the radar for you um on the sikta scale i've got a couple more, just very, very quickly.

I will end on these. Lee Q is a good friend of mine and a friend of yours as well, Pete, although you won't remember him. You simply won't remember him. Doesn't sound like he's a good friend then, does he? Do you remember Lee, who used to play football with us? I remember early

that he used to play football with us. That's him. Okay then. Fine. Lovely. He says, not a tradition, but I had a time when my wife's 90 year old

grandmother came over to ours with the family they all went on the traditional christmas day walk while i stayed back and at one point to my surprise she proceeded to sing jerusalem at full volume with no warning i thought she was malfunctioning what a christmas treat wow that's good stuff and like nine-year-old grandmothers i mean at least they're shouting that at least they're singing jerusalem i mean it's kind of like i'll be quite when yeah yeah big fan of that as long as she did it with the gusto and the inaccuracy that ian mckellenwood a friend but before we move on to the final one which will end on a friend of mine in fact it, it's the same guy who talks about Christianity in the philosophical way that I talked about in the last show. The only story I've got about the soul of Jerusalem is that I went on a boating holiday on the Norfolk Broads with him and a few of my friends once.

And I don't know if you know this, but there's quite a lot of traveling folk around there. And there's also quite a lot of... And what it tends to be is quite like a lot of groups of people who essentially make their life on the boats and make their life on the river and stuff like that. And they don't really take too kindly to you behaving like a dickhead because you're on holiday. And I totally understand that. But at the same time, they've got a fire on the side of the river going and they're hard, right?

Yeah. And there's no getting away from it because even if I wanted to flee from a bunch of river people, I couldn't get the boat far enough quick enough to get away anyway because I don't know what I'm doing. Anyway, so you kind of keep your head down.

You're in other people's territory. You've got to be respectful of that you've got to understand that this is their way of life and you know whatever whatever um yeah my friend on the way back from the pub he was just walking down the towpaths he's screaming at the top of his voice all the words to jerusalem and i was like what are you doing yeah it's it's. It's an odd song to sing anyway. But it sounds like a threat. Right? Luckily, we got away with it with our lives intact. But it was a very,

very worrying moment. I think Pete, I hate boys being silly in other people. Like not having a, not having an idea about like context and, you know,

just reading the room. Yeah, basically. Yeah, exactly that just yeah but if you want to swing a hammer around in your own home that's fine in your own home

absolutely fine I go as far as to say if you want to spend Christmas day swinging a hammer around having pissed your pants there's nothing wrong with that there's nothing wrong with that

a couple of a couple of Christmas traditions to finish us off Ryan says my wife insists on watching the snowman on Christmas morning

before we get up and do anything else. It was alright the first few Christmases together. Ten years later I'm fucking bored of it. Yeah, I can see that. It's watching The Snowman now and even like the second one The Snowman and the Snowdog and all the rest of them. Yeah, that animation, there's like

two frames per second and I'm sorry. Oh, this is a take on what's not prepared for. I've never heard someone say this about the snowman the frame you know when you i'm sorry it was terrible but i i know it's hand drawn i know it was all i know it was uh done by hand and that's very rare these days and i know that uh that's you know when you when you're a kid and they like channel four have got a you know like know, an important film series and they sort of say these are the series,

these are the films that you need to see before you die. And I remember one that was Akira. Oh yeah. The weird sort of I love Keanu Reeves.

from Japan. And, and, and I remember watching that going, I mean, I like, you know going I like Don Bluth I like Disney

why is there only three frames well why is there three frames per second being drawn this isn't animation this is practically a slideshow

so I just didn't like I loved when you get older you sort of understand that the actual design of everything is incredible and it isn't amazing animation it's just very low frame animation

it looks cheap basically when you're a kid and you assign quality to smoothness effectively and so like with Snowman you watch it back and you're like it's actually quite hard to watch it's like watching a flick book isn't it a beautiful piece of storytelling though? yeah say what you think, it's Christmas it's only 5 minutes Isn't it a beautiful piece of storytelling though? Yeah

Say what you think, it's Christmas It's only five minutes Is it five minutes? It's longer than that It's very short And you're like going If it's only five minutes Draw a couple of frames Give us the coloured pencils

I'll draw the interpolating frames You've clearly done frame one and frame five. I'll do two and three and stick them in the middle and I'll make this look smooth for you, all right? It's 26 minutes long. It's 26 minutes. Is it 26 minutes long? Which I think that Ryan, if he can't spare 26 minutes

for the wife that he loves on Christmas morning, then we're all fucked, aren't we? Mix it up. I'm a man who watches The Office every night, the same fucking series over and over again. That'm a man who watches The Office every night. The same fucking series over and over again. That's more depressing what you've just said there. Brad

has come in with spam sandwiches on Christmas morning. Not sure why. Got to take the good with the bad, I suppose. I had spam sandwiches about three days ago at my mum and dad's house. I got the old spam out, sliced it up, fried it up. Fucking lovely. Why don't we eat enough spam yeah why don't we eat more i don't mind it i don't mind it cooked up and in that way uh it's quite salty and delicious i don't think there's

much to not like about it to be perfectly honest so we have bacon sandwiches as a christmas tradition in our house my dad always cooks them up um my mom my dad basically the tradition we have in our house my dad cooks the bacon sandwiches in the morning and then he prepares the mashed sweden carrots and that's the only thing he does for christmas dinner right and then when we're eating christmas dinner he talks about how good the sweden carrots are even though my mom's done everything else nice okay right dad stuff jesus that is proper dad stuff yeah anyway lovely old job that's it I think all that's left Pete is for us to wish our lovely Luke and

Pete show family a very very Merry Christmas and to thank them for all their support throughout the year would you like to do that

thanks for all of that we'll be back in about a few days time Boxing Day talk about Boxing Day traditions possibly

probably pre-record that one probably pre-record that one because it's Boxing Day give us a rest yeah give us a rest yeah let us have a bit of time off um thank you very much so joking

aside thank you very much for your support um the best thing you can do to help us if you want to lend us more support which we'd be very grateful for is to leave us a five-star review wherever you get your podcast and tell all your friends about us and that would really help us out um we hope you have a lovely christ, a peaceful Christmas with your family and the ones you love, and enjoy yourselves. And yeah, take a bit of time for yourself because the modern world is very hectic.

Why not take a little bit of time for yourself? And if you feel really comfortable, have a go at pissing your pants. Yeah, swing a hammer around. Have a bit of fun. See you. The Luke and Pete Show is a Stack Production and part of the Acast Creator Network.

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