The Luke and Pete Show - A Whole Load Of Elephant Boobs

Episode Date: March 18, 2021

On today’s show, Pete’s talks us through installing cow udders into his car, meanwhile Luke explores some fishy business involving mysterious prawn ball ingredients...Elsewhere, we discuss jellyfish peeing etiquette and how to inject Minstrels before A NEW PLAYER ENTERS THE GAME.GET INVOLVED! Have you installed something bizarre into your car? Or discovered something unusual in a prawn ball? Let us know on social media over at @lukeandpeteshow or drop us an email at [e-mail]!If you're enjoying the show, leave us a review over on Apple Podcasts! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to the Luke and Pete Show. It's Thursday. I do hope you are keeping well. That's how I start every show. I just want to make sure that everyone's keeping well, has maintained a level of keeping well right throughout the week since Monday and then into the weekend as well. Have you been keeping well, Link Moor? You look well. Yeah, I'm doing okay. Nastashia doing well? Yeah, still there. I'm keeping it for a bit. I'll see how I go. It's easy in lockdown, though, because you haven't really got to see anyone. True. Also, I don't... Now, more than any other era of my life,

I care less and less about what other people think. Yeah, yeah. So it doesn't matter. I don't care. It's unfortunate. I think it's at the time... We're at the time of life where we've probably got more disposable income than we had 10 years ago um and we don't give a shit about what anybody thinks and that's how midlife crises begin we buy the sports cars we bought well i can't afford a sports car but

you know what i mean i buy this thing. I've got a scooter now. I'm wearing a ponytail. We're doing stuff at a time in life where we don't give a shit and we've got more resources than ever, and that's why Ferraris get bought. That's why affairs happen. That's why we are debasing ourselves. You'd never see a young person who seems cool driving a Ferrari. No.

Maybe influencers and stuff. Maybe those guys. I never... When's the last time you ever saw an influencer out on the street? Well, they don't. They drive to their country piles. They probably don't have their driving licences. They just live in big influencer houses, don't they?

They all sort of hang out in one big... Remember when the Wu-Tang Clan had a house on MTV Crimson and pretended they all lived in one big house? Yeah, that was good. It was that, but with loads of influencers and stuff. So all I'm saying is if you're driving on the motorway and get overtaken by a Ferrari, it'll always be a bloke of about 60.

Yeah, frequently no hair. I just... It's alright. It's fine. Do you think you'll have a Ferrari when you're 60? Nah, because I can't drive now. I've been going out without insurance, on a private road bus. I think I'm fine.

I've been going up and down that in my little car to test it out. Got to keep the juices flowing in it. So, yeah, I'm enjoying it. The way that you moved your hands then to symbolise driving makes me feel like you're never going to pass your test. I've installed two cow's udders

in the roof of the car and that's how I control it. That's why I was doing that particular move. You don't need two, though. Just one, right? It's four on the one, isn't it? How many teats are on an an udder do you know that oh i don't know six maybe yeah do you have extra it's like is it like because because with like

dogs and cat like um kids uh pets and stuff they have like nipples everyone has all of those pets have nipples right down their body if they're females um my mate sent me a picture of an armadillo. This cat here, this sat right next to me. A male cat. He's got nipples. He's just got the two. Don't girl ones have loads of nipples?

He's sleeping at the moment, but I'll just see if I can shit that way. Go and have a look. Luke is just... And the cat is awake. And Luke is lifting up the cat. The cat is disinterested. Yeah, it's just two, actually. Just two nipples, okay, right. Yeah.

Well, I'm fairly certain the dog I have access to at home has six nipples, I want to say. I may be wider than Mark on that one. But cows, they've kind of simplified it. They're modular. I guess they've got their couple of stomachs so they're modular and they've got their nipples in a nice row

with maybe two or six on each other which is wonderful to see really same with pigs as well I think and you're classic mother pig lying on her side while all the greedy piglets get tucked in I mean sometimes you'll see upwards of six, seven, eight piglets involved.

I spoke on this show about 100 episodes ago. I was at a wedding with some mates and a friend who's like a 3D designer. I believe he worked on the Jungle Book film that was out recently. And a mother elephant frequently has boobs, big old boobies. Oh, right, yeah. But it's an inconvenient truth. It's too distracting.

The public aren't ready. The public aren't ready for elephant boobs. But then this week, he tweeted me, in full view of the public, quite frankly, even though he's got a protected account, my replies will be seen. He sent me a picture of armadillos an armadillo mum with big old boobies it's it's incredible it's it's it goes against everything we thought we knew about animals to see an armadillo with boobies i think as long i think as as long as people like you are taking entertainment from female armadillo breasts and female elephant breasts, we'll never smash the patriarchy.

And you're to blame for that. Look, is it as hard as an armadillo shell? That's the question. Never mind. I'd love to. Do you know what? I'd love to. Smash an armadillo?

No, I would love to. I'd love to. I'd love to... Smash an armadillo? No, I would love to see... I'd love to... If it can be done in a way that wouldn't be deemed cruel and that the animal... Heal an armadillo? I'd like to just have a play around with an armadillo. Okay, I think it'd be all right with playing with it. Nature's armour.

Worst thing is... I'd love a kick around with one. I mean, presumably... Stop that. What do you mean? It'd be fine. We'll get the emails again. It would sort of go into a little round shell.

Yeah, but I don't think it doesn't want you to kick it, does it? Look, it's going... It's not nature's football. That's not his spray. Show me a more football-y animal than an armadillo in full roll. I mean, what is more... Hedgehog? No, because that would spike you, wouldn't it?

David Beckham would get a metatarsal spiking, wouldn't he? See an enemy? You're getting spikes, big spikes, long spikes. True, no, not spikes. It's the anxious way of telling you not to kick it. Yes, the anti-football. Armadillo is welcoming. It looks like a mate of Delta Premier League.

It's beautiful. Well, I think the thing is, you know what the animal rights people can be like, and they're going to be on our back now i don't think they will again i just think it's kind of like very it's it's like me going to leicester after lockdown it's at the end of a very long list me saying i'm going to kick a kick an armadillo or want to kick an armadillo um even though i think it would be fine if i just give it a little side footer into the bottom right hand corner of the golf Well you're shot power, it's going to be fine

From a hat trick I think it'd be fine, but also I think most animal rights activists have gone, look, we're not happy and we won't endorse what he's saying but we've got bigger fish to fry No but I'm worried for you though I'll talk about fish in a minute but I'm worried that you're their low hanging fruit

Oh they'll go for me first, right, that's fair, yeah. Because they can't realistically stop the shark fin trade, or they can't realistically do anything about pangolins, which is a disgrace. But I think idiot men walking around kicking armadillos with no real big money backers, you're low-hanging fruit, I'm just worried you're going to be in trouble.

I would like to distance myself from my earlier comments. I very much like to if i ever encountered an armadillo i'm not really sure what country they're in um i shall not kick an armadillo um i shouldn't have to say that i'm bradford donson what no one's even no one's even complaining you're already your partner exactly it's good um speaking of fish so i saw a story this week which I thought was absolutely fascinating, right? There's been a decent amount of analysis done, apparently 44 independent studies of 9,000 seafood samples in restaurants, right? Right. But not just restaurants, fishmongers and supermarkets across more than 30 different countries. and supermarkets across more than 30 different countries. And the studies found that a massive 36% were mislabeled,

signifying a massive global seafood fraud. So I just think this is absolutely fascinating, right? So across Canada, the US, UK, Singapore, Australia, and New Zealand, researchers found mislabelling in almost 40% of all fish tested. So what that means is, what that basically means is, if you go to a restaurant, you've got over a one in three chance of not being served the fish you think you're buying. That is astonishing to me. It's good. I like it. That's great.

I take it for granted they're giving me a bit of cod. Look, if you're ordering the most boring fish on the menu and you're getting something more exciting for cheap, I think that's great news. I'll have that any day of the week. Lovely old job. What do you think that people down your local fish and chip shops say about that? Well, look,

to ask me no questions, I'll tell you no lies. I think usually... Listen to this as well. What? Listen to this. One sample, right, in Singapore of prawn balls were found frequently

to contain not a trace of prawn but exclusively pork. Oh, wow. Where was that? The consumer should know that. Where was that, though? Where was that?

In a Chinese... Singapore. It's in Singapore. But I mean, pork is delicious. Seafood is delicious. Look, I'm game. It's sometimes... Sometimes I will order...

That's my game. That's right, dear. Sometimes I will order something beefy or porky or fishy from the Chinese, and they'll come. And my partner, who doesn't eat pork, or she only eats chicken. She doesn't eat pork or she only eats chicken she doesn't eat pork or beef or anything

sometimes I'll go yeah no that's fine I definitely ordered that one for you sometimes I'll go oh was that definitely and I'll worry but then I'll look at the pork

and look at the and I'm like I can't tell the difference anyway so I'll do my best but you know it's not it's not it's not a religious thing not it's not a religious thing

yes it's not a religious thing so and she she eats meat and she has eaten pork in her past so she's not as officious about it

or kind of like worried about it but yeah it's a worry for me sometimes I tell you what we used to have on XFM we used to have a guy

used to come on she's probably worried her boyfriend's mislabeled this said this is a good quality boyfriend, but 40% of him is trash. There was a guy on the X-Men record show back in 15 years ago or something

that I used to work on. I found this guy at Billingsgate Fish Market. I wanted to talk to a trader, someone who traded in something important. Was he an older fellow with a moustache? Because I think I've seen a documentary about him. Roger Barton, yes, Roger Barton. Yeah, he does all the media and stuff.

So I rang up Billy's game and I said, have you got anyone who can talk to us every week about fish? And they went, Roger will do, yeah. Roger's the kind of guy who does this sort of thing. And he was knockout. He's just this charismatic kind of like unbelievable you know

gambling kind of gambling man slash Billy's Get Fish Market you're about to tell me he's done something horrific aren't you

oh no he was constantly in trouble for mislabelling crab meat and stuff he would just peel off the labels pop a new date on pop a new date on

and I know the dates popping in the scrapbook I know I know the dates are popping in the scrapbook I know the dates are a little bit longer than they need to be but not three weeks longer Roger not three weeks longer

but he would always go he would always he just did it with such charisma he poisoned people with charisma I liked it Roger I understand

the industry is under tremendous pressure but you I understand you're a charismatic guy and that moustache and hat is a lovely combo yeah you are box office exactly but people are dying people's guts are being turned inside out by this nonsense yeah now he's a i think i just i would say that makes sense i just wanted to finish this particular story by saying, apparently in China, 153 roasted fish fillet products

from 30 commercial brands bought at local markets were tested to reveal a misrepresentation rate of 58%, including some substitutions from the deadly puffer fish family. That is when it starts to get serious. It's not what you want to hear, is it? But, I mean, it's very much... I mean, I know it's not the etymology of the word catfish, to be catfished, but, I mean, this is like, you know, a catfish...

It's come full circle. Yeah, exactly. Do you actually know why they call it catfish? I'm fairly certain this is the case. Because they've got whiskers. No, I'm fairly certain this is the case. But it is... Because they've got whiskers? No. I'm fairly certain this is the case. But it is that, isn't it?

What do you mean? Well, because they've got whiskers like a cat. No, sorry. The modern... The modern use of the word to be catfished online. Oh, sorry.

I'm going right back to the start. Okay, yeah, carry on. I understand that catfish represent cats, yes. Well, you said no then. I was momentarily furious for about a second. I thought, what?

Well, that happens all the time with the origins of words. In the origins of words, you sort of go, what? That just doesn't make any sense. But when they used to transport and still do transport cod over huge distances, maybe from the Far East as it's going west or whatever, to from the Far East as it's going west or whatever, to keep the cod lively, because obviously it's in stasis for quite a while.

They don't really chase each other around. They don't really sort of work very hard. And the actual flesh, the fish flesh, kind of suffers as a result if it's been in transit for quite a while in water. So in a big tank of cod, if they've been delivered like that, they'd throw catfish in, just to create absolute fucking chaos, so it keeps

the cod moving around, which is quite exciting. Like a cat amongst the pigeons, basically. Cat across the fish pigeons, yeah, true, true. Yeah, so that sort of thing. I think that's the case. It's quite hard to find that fact online, but I did have a little hunt around quite recently. So there you go. I had no idea about that that have you ever seen the tv show because lots of people

rave about it yeah i i i i the guys creep me out i don't know why i just look at them and go you're just what is your i've never seen a single second of it like is it basically that there's it's like a date like a 90 day fiance show but where they kind of have a distance relationship online, but then it turns out to be someone completely different, presumably. Yeah, I think in many situations... I mean, we've all had friends who've kind of fallen for that a little bit. Maybe we've fallen for them ourselves, I don't know. But you've sort of walked in and went,

no, let's not. And you've walked into your friend's life and gone, don't do this. You know in your heart of hearts this isn't true. You know for a fact that isn't true. You catfished me when we first met because we started chatting over Facebook Messenger. Yeah. I obviously knew the girl

you had access to at the time. Well, that sounds good. That sounds good, doesn't it? But I only really spoke to you on Facebook Messenger. Right, okay. And then when you turned up, I don't think it was the same as the representation. Right, okay.

That you had made. I said I was French. Six foot four and French. Six foot five and French. And I thought, yeah, this will get the punters in. Oh, no. All right, then. Anyway, let's have a quick break. And when we come back, we've got to do some battery brands.

And we've also got to do that email from confectionery maniac Ali Darlow. Sometimes when they put the Marsers or Snickers into a bag, they put a Curly Wurly in there to really, you know, chase them around in the bag. 36% of the time. Yeah, exactly. 6% of the time yeah exactly this week at Sukarnov over on

My 7 Wonders with Clive Anderson comedy legend Ian Stone is choosing what he'd put on his list of personal

wonders of the world along the way he tells a story of the first time he ever did stand up and it wasn't exactly by choice my friends

who unbelievably remained my friends after this put me down secretly for the open mic spot i mean i went on i actually i didn't know what to say i stood there i've never been on a stage before well actually i've done a school play once but i was playing uh i was some biblical thing i can't even remember but um i'm joseph uh is there room and you're in routine give me my

colored coat yeah that didn't work meanwhile these self-care club ladies are keen to figure out why so many women often find themselves saying sorry for just about anything i think that it is such a fine line between over apologizing unnecessarily and actually standing up and saying i'm sorry for this i'm sorry if you've been uncomfortable in any way that's caused by me and i think that's a sign of strength, isn't it? To be able to apologise for yourself, but not at the cost of your self-esteem. All that and a whole lot more at Sukarnov. And we're back.

Pete and Luke are doing their thing. If you'd like to get in touch with the show, say hello. Hello at LukeandPeteShow.com is the way you can do it. We're going to be reading out all of your emails. Right now, Lukey Moore, Battery Brands, let's do it. Yeah, it's Thursday, so it's time for some more Battery Brands. We've had two more submissions for potential new players to enter the game. Laura Brooks has sent in the Deluxe battery.

D-E-L-E-E-X. She says she found them in Uganda. I think they are a very glamorous, a very exotic new player to enter the game. It's kind of like saying deluxe in a fancy way, isn't it? These are deluxe. Deluxe. It's like delicious and deluxe.

Love it. Yeah. Not a time for that, Laura. Shout out to you, Laura. Thank you for sharing that in. You've now officially entered a new player into the game, so you can get that popped onto your CV as soon as

possible. And Amy Madry sent in Golden Power Super. Not a new player, I'm afraid. But I need a ruling from you, Peter, because she's also sent in a brand of battery that just simply says in all lowercase, Warriors. Golden Power, definitely not a new brand,

but Warriors, I am into a huge amount. Yeah, I think we're going to allow Warriors to come in. So, Amy, you are also successful. That's two out of two this week. Great to see a 100% hit rate. Well, actually, no, because there's about a 66% hit rate, really. But two emailers, two tweeters, whatever they are, and they've both had new players enter the game.

Thank you very much. Keep sending those in. If you find an obscure brand of batteries in any piece of electronic equipment you have access to, let us know about it, because we are trying to put together the definitive encyclopedia of weirdly obscure batteries that seem to exist all over the world for no reason.

Yes, we are, and we demand a constant stream of them, and it can never end. It can never end. Pete pops them up his bum to give him charge. I do, yes. Like Elon Musk. Does he do that?

He's well into power. The thing about Elon Musk is he wouldn't even call it a battery. He would call it like a static power cell or something. A cell, yeah, a bum cell. Did you see the email from Stephen Sheridan about peeing on a sting, a jellyfish sting? No. Now...

We did some of that on the Ramble last week. Yeah, we did some of that on the Ramble because Jules Breach, who... Really filthy when she gets going, talking about when she was stung by a jellyfish. She is a force of nature. She is a force of nature. She is a force of nature. And she posted a picture on Mother's Day with her mum

and her. And she looked like the kid out of Monsters, Inc. So cute. Yeah, the cutest Disney Pixar kid ever. So unbelievably cute. And she's been corrupted. And she's been corrupted by the media. And us. And us. But yeah, To Pee or Not To Pee, a review on the And she's been corrupted by the media.

And us. And us. But yeah, to pee or not to pee, a review on the envenomation and treatment in European jellyfish species. Basically, there was a scientific review of what works when it comes to removing the pain of the sting on jellyfish. Right.

Now, there's so many different things they've tried to remove the the pain um and there's a lot of uh and and thank you very much to um steven sheridan for coming up with this with this particular study um this is a big chart basically and and urine and urea not doing great guns to be honest in this is big bar chart, and it basically tells you how useful it is when it comes to kind of stimming the pain a little bit. Hydroquinone bleach. That's a little bit better than piss, but not by a huge amount.

Why are you pouring that on yourself? Why are you pouring that on you? Tetanus vaccine. Oh, Trump stuff. Tetanus vaccine. Who is testing out the tetanus vaccine straight after a jellyfish sting? Oh, yeah, I've got one of them in my trunk.

Tape. You can imagine tape would sort of pull out jellyfish sting. Oh, yeah, I've got one of them in my trunk. Tape. You can imagine tape would pull out some of the stingers, maybe, if you pulled that. But, yeah, still not great. Sea water and sand doing things. Sea water is up there, to be quite frank. That's what hurts more when you emerge from the sea. Yeah, that's what I heard on the show that you were talking about recently,

where if you get out of the sea, obviously whatever it is gets oxygenated. But what they ignored, though, Pete, was I think we all need to understand and accept that at some point you do need to leave the sea. Yeah, yeah, you can't live there forever. Vinegar. No.

Vinegar is a big one. Absolutely knocking out the park. It's the most effective treatment, apparently. Heat as well uh is helping um one's a little bit um further down the peckinorder is uh baking soda slurry anti-venom uh and uh just a general um antihistamine anesthetic analgesic uh and and alcohol just a lot of people trying painkillers and uh alcohols Alcohols, you know, it gets a pretty good score from people, but I imagine that's probably got to do with something else.

Acid. Acid, not great. It doesn't say what acid. It doesn't say what it's doing. I also think, Pete, that the idea is, so vinegar would be very acidic, right? Not very acidic, but in the grand scheme of things, like, yeah. But it's neutralising what is presumably an alkaline issue. Presumably, yeah.

And that's kind of how. But the thing that misses the point with this study is that no one has a bottle of sarsens in their trunks while they're out swimming, and no one has a tetanus vaccine shoved in them, well, immediate access to it. So the idea being that in terms of convenience, if you had a convenience factor,

everyone's got a good old bladder full of piss. Yeah, exactly. But I imagine a lot of these things happen when you are coming back from the sea and you could probably sort of run to like a restaurant or something, like a beachside restaurant and ask them for a little packet of sarsens. Sort yourself out like that.

And you can't get it open because your fingers are all wet and you can't pop it. Yes. So you have to get a plastic fork, and that doesn't work either. It's not sharp enough. Gross. Yeah. All right, well, this is good to know.

I promised an email from Ali, full name confectionery maniac Ali Darlow, because he tried to kill you last week with Skittles. And I asked him if he'd kill me with minstrels. And the good news is he's obviously got absolutely nothing on because he's emailed in on that front. So he says, hi guys, my initial Skittles email is followed up by you want to know the same thing

with minstrels. So I've done the maths, which I'm quite sorry about. No worries. This time we'll mix it up and instead of killing Pete, we'll kill Luke. I don't know Luke's exact weight,

but seeing as he's six foot three and an avid runner, we'll go for somewhere around 86 kilos. I'll tell you what, I bloody wish I was 86 kilos. But that's very kind of you, Ali. He said 30 grams of sugar for every kilogram you weigh needed

for a 50% chance of death, which is what we talked about last time. So I apparently, for my assumed weight, I'm going to need to consume around 5.2 kilos of sugar, right? 68 grams of sugar in a 100 gram bag of minstrels um so doing all the maths blah blah blah um i need to eat 2285 minstrels to kill me for sure um and the other follow-up was that, Pete, we wondered how many molten Skittles we'd have to inject you with to kill you. Apparently the answer, frighteningly, is just one.

Oh, yeah. That would just kind of clot me up all night. So melt it down, inject it into yourself. If you inject it into a vein vein it will go to your lungs and your lungs will fill up and you'd suffocate apparently

if you inject it into an artery it will go to your brain and you'd have a stroke so either way probably do the trick I can't testify to the medical veracity

of that I don't know Ali's qualifications with the greatest respect to him I suspect he has none but he is the man to speak to about confectionery. So thank you very much for that, Ali.

5,000 odds minstrels to kill me. However many skittles we said last week to kill Pete. If you want to go intravenous, it's just the one thing. Not more efficient. Well, I've enjoyed that immensely, Luke. Thank you very much for that. You're welcome. And I also want to squeeze in this email about because there's a

guy from texas who got really passionate about a snack that you mentioned pete oh takisuegos delicious they are so delicious he says um he's called um bryce and um he says long time listener from texas i feel like i'm well bryce to speak to... Bryce Dallas. Surely. Could be. Could be. Bryce Dallas Howard. Bryce from Dallas. He said, I'm really interested in Pete's recent infatuation with Takis. Takis are a Mexican snack similar to Doritos, but they're rolled up and fried, so they look like a tube. And Pete is right. They taste like Flamin' Hot Cheetos.

But they have lots of varieties, apparently, Pete. And he also goes on to have a big rant about the difference between American and English Skittles, saying that they're sweeter in the UK, but I don't know if that can be true. Because I feel like American stuff's

got much more lax laws around sugar content and everything. So, anyway, thanks very much for getting in touch, Bryce. He's basically just bigging you up about tackies. Well, he did previously email about drinking chordine and sysop. Okay, and what was the verdict on that? Oh, he said it was delicious, but the British cough syrup was sweeter. I'm joking, he didn't say any of that.

Yeah, that was a big thing in the Southern hip-hop scene for a while. I don't know if it still is, but that was the thing of choice. It's very dangerous. You see it a lot in developing countries as well. I don't know how they get hold of so much cough syrup on an industrial scale. Amazing. And one thing our listening community knows, that if Pete Donaldson is saying it's very dangerous,

you know to steer clear. Exactly. I mean, it is good stuff. Anyway, we'll be back it's not good stuff it's terrible stuff don't drink cough soap for crying out loud

unless you've got a cough unless you've got a cough then drink the prescribed amount exactly don't forget we will be back on Monday for more of this nonsense

we didn't get to the cocaine bear story or the re-up but we'll probably mention it on Monday incredible news incredible news how are they making a film about that it doesn't make any sense from Tinselup, but we'll probably mention it on Monday. Incredible news. Incredible news. How am I making a film about that?

It doesn't make any sense. From Tinseltown. Unbelievable. Yeah, we'll be back with that on Monday. And if you want to get in touch with the show, I say it the exact same way, the exact same time, the exact same point in the show, hello at lukeandpeachshow.com. I've suddenly got all tired.

I'm exhausted from a half an hour of Luke and Peach Show. Pretty good chat. It Pete show pretty good chat at Luke and Pete show on the Twitter at Luke and Pete show on the Instagram where you'll find lots of further talking points a good way to get in touch with us producer Nat does an amazing job, thank you very much to her thank you very much to you guys for listening and I know that the majority of you

would have stopped this by now because you've heard the start of the outro and been like, oh, they're about to finish, so I'm going to turn it off and go do something else. But if you are still listening, do leave us a review on Apple Podcasts. It means a great deal to us. We've got a five-star average rating. We'd like to maintain that because it also helps other people, new listeners, to find the show.

So thank you very much in advance for doing that. Head over to Apple Podcasts, leave us a review. We'll love you forever. And as Pete says, we'll see you again on Monday. We're bloody. Head over to Apple Podcasts, leave us a review. We'll love you forever. And as Pete says, we'll see you again on Monday. We're bloody looking forward to it. Say goodbye, Pete. Bye.

Goodbye from me as well. This was a Stakhanov production and part of the acast creative network