The Luke and Pete Show - An Inedible Melon

Episode Date: June 25, 2026

Luke’s advising Pete to proceed with caution vis à vis chlorinating his own paddling pool, but Mr Donaldson insists it’s all under control. It’s the rubble and cement-based tasks you have to worry about.In other news, Luke’s attempt to support the local produce market left him sorely disappointed and Pete may well have fallen victim to a Del Boy style scam over some posh honey.Plus, we hear all about the first Football Ramble World Cup Watch Party from the perspective of the man in the papier-mâché Richard Keys head.Send us your latest stories, questions and comments here: [e-mail] Luke and Pete Show is the sometimes ridiculous, always funny podcast with Luke Moore and Pete Donaldson: two men who have time on their hands and a good idea of how to waste it. Subscribe to get your comedy podcast fix every Monday and Thursday. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Good Pete. Joe. Pete Donaldson with you. I'm in a very hot bit of my house slash shed. The apology cabin. I'm in the apology cabin, which is just getting... I feel... It's feeling more like there's been an earthquake in here. Like, every time I...

You know, like... You know when, like, people go on holiday, like a family holiday, and they've only got a very small car? I feel like the walls are closing in on me. and all. I just feel like there's a lot of suitcases in the room just filled with stuff.

Have you still got that wood in the toilet? I have, yeah. I'm thinking of sort of getting, using some of that wood and putting basically shelving up or just making some crappy shelves just to have more room for my tools. I've got too many tools.

Is it a working toilet? Yeah, but because there's so much stuff in there. The way you said, yeah, makes me think no. Yeah. It's a working, it kind of works. I mean, it works if you want to Are you going to be home for the kid's bedtime tonight? Yeah.

Yeah. Kind of. Clink. Is the taxi on its way? Yeah. In a way. That's definitely a no. Yeah.

Yeah. So do you use the toilet? I want to know if you use the toilet or not. I don't use the toilet. Does it have a working flush? Yes, it does. To be honest, that was a sticking point for a while, but I fixed it. Well, done.

But I am in a very warm room. It's getting warmer by the second. And when we finish here at the end of the shore, I'm going to get out. I'm going to get in the garden. And I've installed, installed, blew up a swimming pool, a paddling pool, right? For my daughter.

And I'm basically having a... It's large enough for it to really start to collect dirt quite quickly. And it's large enough for me to have to maintain it now. I've started adding chlorine. to it to keep it going to be doing that that's it that's a that's a special job i've started adding chlorine to my little paddling you're not supposed to do that water in it for longer what do you mean because you need to get the level right you'll really hurt someone i'm getting the level right i've got the little strips you get the little strips so the only thing that i've got great chlorine level but the problem is there's

some kind of acid that you need to add to it to keep the sun off the chlorine because the chlorine just burns off in the sunshine so now i've got to find some some kind of acid to add to it so i don't have to keep on adding to this is an absolute mind field you're going to a rabbit hole here.

It's a absolute minefield. I know, I know. How big is it is a big old thing is it? It's about the size of like two sofas.

Don't you glory for that? What are you talking about? It just gets dirty really quickly and there's a surprising amount of water in there. It's so like

1,200 liters. Yeah. I don't know. You don't sound like you know what you're talking about. No, I don't know what I'm talking about. So you put your daughter

in that pool? Yes, and I've checked the chlorine levels. Thank you very much. I'm not fool. I come back with bleached hair like Bruno, like producer Bruno. Yeah, exactly.

Also, have you been in my pool? Also, I think if you went to a shop and bought a load of chlorine, that might be on a watch list, where did you buy it from? Well, I'm already, I'm already like taking stuff out of lost property. It looks like a big bomb. Yeah, you didn't buy the other than fertiliser. Where did you get the chlorine from? I got it from Amazon.

No, no paper trail. Goodness me. They sell like loads of chlorine on Amazon. I bought a lot. You'd be proud of me. The other day, I bought a load of white vinegar from Amazon

because I wanted to dissolve the lime scale off the shower heads in the house. Oh, nice. What did you use a pan? I used a big mixing bowl. A big mixing bowl. Put the shower heads in there overnight in the white vinegar. It was actually pleasingly satisfying to see the results.

Oh, it's like, it's magic in it? Yeah. I've done nothing. I've done nothing to earn this. You've got the acidity of the vinegar dissolving the alkaline lime scale. It was great. It was actually really pleasing.

You know what I felt like? I mean, my son's too young for it, but I felt like, well, next time I've got to do that, I'm going to do it like a little science experiment for him. He'll love it. Yeah. Because it starts bubbling straight away. It's quite cool.

The most exciting thing I saw my dad do was I remember I was at a carnival and I had some candy floss and there was a bucket, like a fire bucket full of water just because it was a fire and he just put the candy floss in the water and it just dissolved and I was like Wow

My dad's magic My dad might be magic It's not magic there is it No anyone can do it But I find like I find my lack of mixing balls And I bought 10 buckets off Amazon for like a tenor. I could not,

you could not be more surprised about how cheap buckets are. No one needs ten, what do you need ten for? Well, I've, I've ruined two of them already, so I'm going through them.

Most people have one bucket for their life. I know. Have you run two of them? Play it with. Cement. And, yeah, the problem with cement is,

like, you can't pour it down the sink. What do you do with it? What do you do with it? I think you just put it in the bucket, leaving the bucket, and go, I'll get rid of that at some point.

Anybody, any bigger boys? Can you let us know what to do with cement when you're done? Surely you just take it on the tip, no? Well, I've got rid of all of them. I've got a bigger boy to come around. I was like, you know what? I'm going to pay this man

150 quid to get rid of all of me rubble. And he came around and he was like... He'd be down the bottom of your bucket garden. He had like his truck he turned up. He'd nice blocking stuff. Turn up broadly on time. And I learned about him from the Oracle, the Leon C, South End.

little magazine that comes around sometimes. Do you contribute to that? No, I'll tell you what, there's a man who makes his own little magazine who walks around doing little sort of voxpops with people. Oh yeah, and he's kind of like, he does like a sort of like, he's kind of a bit like Ian Lee, he's a bit silly and he's called, and he does a little fanzine for Lee called the Lee whisperer and it's a sort of thing. Is he out of work? he's got not wearing his trousers

he's not quite wearing a barrel he's not quite wearing a barrel he wears like a blazer and a shirt and shorts and does little funny funny vox pops and he's and he's he's broadly good and yeah you can contribute some of your cartoons

could you some of your doodles some of my jokes yeah yeah not jokes about like people I don't like moving into the area you know really really some of my political stuff like yeah you want to smell that stuff yeah And so the Oracle, the Oracle, tipped his hat,

tipped his hat in your direction, this rubble man. This rubble man came around and he, it's funny because like rubble men, they're not even, the Rag and Bone used to take stuff like that, didn't they? Not so much rubble, but if you had a washing machine, they'd take it. Wouldn't they just take anything like? Well, yeah, so, well, he was taking, in his van, he had like so much stuff, so much different stuff.

He had like, like a bike, a fan, loads of more rubble, loads of stuff. He had the glass stuff that I put on, the glass, the remaining glass panel I didn't need, he took that, and all of my rubble. And I'm like, wait, does he have to unload that again? Or does he just tip his, his van off? Surely he'll be looking to sell some of that stuff, well, not the rubble, but... Yeah, maybe the metal, I don't know, yeah. I don't know how much, good metal is in a cheap Chinese fan, but I think the business model is, oh, I suppose you're paying him

to take it away, really, aren't you? So he could probably... Yeah, that's interesting, but he turned up and he went, but he turned up and he sort went, I misjudge this. I've mispriced this. And I was like, to be fair, mate, like, I didn't say to him, but like, I'm, usually I'd go, all right, well, I'll give you an extra 10 or 20 or something. Why? Because I'm a fucking idiot. Yeah, because I'm a fucking idiot. And agreed. And he quoted after I sent him a picture and a video of it. And so I put it in there. And he said, and the advert said, you know, you don't need a lift a finger. I'll do it all for you. And it was just him. And I was like, I was just going to say, I'll help you.

And so I just ended up to fucking carry it. I'm like, this is a lot. This is a little, the exact reason I paid 150 quid for this. And he's also saying it's no value for him either. No one's winning. Yeah. But you know... And he just come back from... He just come back from Curries because he was buying a... He wanted to buy a telly for the World Cup because the

the day of the England matches, the deals are all in apparently. I didn't know that. Yeah, we've sold some TVs from our friends at Toshiba, haven't we? Toshiba, the good people from Toshiba. I've got big Toshiba. Yeah. Massive Toshiba in my house. He probably got one from him, did you? He got on from the fucking... No, I just...

No, there was that one that wouldn't fit... wouldn't, the wall wouldn't carry the weight of it in, uh, what a piece of kit. So, uh, so I took all to that and it's in, it's in the apology cabin, but, but your rubble man, how's he getting rid of that rubble? Because you can't take commercial vehicles into the local tip. Yeah, I don't know, he must have a, he must have a deal. I don't know, he must have, I wonder how much his overheads are of getting rid of the

rubble, because it's not a bad racket, is it? If you do, I mean, probably took him like 10 minutes, three them an hour. It's not a work I'm interested in, no, especially when you got some mug doing it for you. Could you not like, could you, could you, if you're not like, could you, if you, If you just had like a, like a bit of land, can you not to dump it there? I don't know. It's just to make your own tip.

Oh, on your own land? Yeah. Can you not just take the stuff and just dump it and go, I'm never going to live here? I was going to dump a lot of shit. That's kind of what you'd done in the first place, but you wanted to take it away, didn't you? It was on your land, wasn't?

Yeah, it was on my land, I suppose. How's the Ballastrade going? It's good. Still, still kicking a ball? Still, it's not fallen down and killed anyone. Yeah, it's finished. Done. I think you owe it to our listeners and our viewers to send

photos of that really. The problem is, I didn't take a picture of what I'd like before. Oh, okay, right. So you could have made it worse and no one would know. Yeah, and the thing about when you put anything on the internet,

people do sort of tend to with their little duplicitous little two fingers. They zoom in, don't they? They zoom in and point out something that is not the point of view, the thing that you sent. They zoom in and they go, ha ha ha, that's true isn't improperly.

Ha ha. Yeah, I know I do, but, you know, it's a serious, not it's serious stuff. My son to you going, oh, look at him doing this and look at this and this is funny. And you'll go, why are you watching that cartoon on TV? What's that book above your TV? Or, oh, are you going to fix that window seal? Right.

I guarantee I've never done that. You're thinking, you're confusing me with someone else. No. I say, nice boy. Look at that hair. Where do you get the barrel? He looks like he's having a little. Where do you get the watermelon of pants from?

I'll tell you what I'll try and do this summer. I'll try and get him. I'm not going to share it by some. But I will try and get him in a watermelon. In a watermelon. In a watermelon. I've got to do it. I've got half a watermelon in the fridge.

Scoop out the flesh, mate. I've got more. It's a bad watermelon. I think I bought it from like Sainsbury's as well. I bought a small water, like a mini watermelon. It doesn't get better. We went through a phase of, so there's a little fruit and veg market down one of the side roads in there I live.

And the Wi-Fi have actually. us to and I were like, oh, we should support that, right? Because we're just buying our shit from Tesla or Sainsby. We should support the local market. They're always there. Like, they seem like nice people. We went there, bought the staff.

The quality of the projects was diabolical. It's honestly so bad. It's like you mugging yourself off. It's really tasteless. It's like, oh, I remember the 80s. This is what the 80s. They're not using preservatives. This is what Hartleypool

tomorrow's taste like. We bought a melon, right? We bought a honeydew melon. And it was probably I don't know. Say it's 50p cheaper than saves me or whatever, fine. Get it home, literally uneatable,

inedible. You couldn't eat it. How can you be, what do you mean? It's too hard. It's really watery, almost like all soft inside. Watery. Oh, my watermelon is too water. No, I didn't say watermelon. I said honeydew melon, thank you very much. Oh, honey dew melon. Still. No, you melons. Too watery.

Rank your melons right now. What you're going for? You go to watermelon number one? Cantaloupe. Cantaloup's good. Yeah. Honey juice is very good. Honey juice very good. You can't be a water. You can't beat a big, fucking water melon. Garland, it's like a garland?

With a bit of, like, balsamic on it or something. What? This is... Dip it in chili. Dip it in chili. A bit of syrup. So you're putting balsamic vinegar, chili and syrup on your watermelon. And you complain that people think you're mad? I bought some local honey from a local...

You remember before Christens, I bought some meat, and then I got it for a... I was going to make a... Oh, it's that stupid pastry, fucking mushroom patty thing that you make. It's not a steak. A beef. A beef, Wellington. Wellington.

Yeah. Beef Wellington. And I failed twice. I left one steak in the car. Left one, one 50 quid steak in the car and another 50 quid steak. Well, a big fillet. A big. Yeah, it was not good enough.

Yeah, you said it was grey, wasn't it? It smelled funny. Absolutely. Yeah, it was absolutely smell funny. Anyway, I was walking past the same grocer. And with the emphasis on gross. And he had these pots of honey out. side and it said local honey

and I've been I'm fucking you know asked my problems they always say with allergies worth trying to find local honey yet to find any there's no bee fuckers around here there's no one's fucking any bees

around here and I can't seem to locate any the closest sat and get is Basilden is that local enough I don't know I just don't know it's 10 minutes up the road Basildon's pretty good When I was in Leon Cio I think I was in the way home

Right okay Yeah, you might have done. There's a good... There's a good cinema there. Anyway, and I buy this honey and I get it home. And it just, like, nothing... It said local honey on the blackboard outside. And I picked it up, and I got it home.

And it was just this pot of honey. And it didn't look... You know, like, boozy kind of, like, local brands that you'd spend 10 quid on, which I did in this case. These boogie local brands, It would kind of have, they'd be a bit more specific about what meant local.

Do you know what I mean? Yeah. And they'd probably have to satisfy as far as some kind of requirement or something. Yeah, and the honey looked kind of like the sort of thing you'd see in a decorative, hexagonal packaged kind of like the cheapest honey possible in ASDA. Like the 99P kind of honey. No, like, white bits in it, no bits of fucking, like, you know, The stuff that Bougie honey has,

it's just like the... It'll just look like syrup, right? And I got it home. What stuff has Buzi Honey got in it? White bits and other stuff? What do you mean? It's just tatting it, like little bits of like... Little bits of, like, little bits of honeycomb, they'll stick in there,

all that nonsense. Well, to make it seem like a... Just to make it look... Exactly. It's like cloudy lemonade. It's fancy. Right, okay. And I got it home, and it was completely clear, and I was like,

this. And I tasted it. And I was like, this just tastes like, fucking, like, the cheapest honey you've ever... I'm not a honey connoisseur, but I was like this, even to my, like pathetic palate, did you stick your lungs together?

Food gloat. And the actual label didn't mention Leon C, didn't mention Essex, didn't mention, it just said local honey. Nice, yeah. No,

no where it was potted, best before dates, I realize honey never goes off, but, you know, when they made it, where they made it, it had no addresses on it. It was very generic.

1970s looking thing. They just said, local honey. And I was like, he's fucking del buying me there. It reminds me of that scene in the thick of it where she only invites

the local newspapers along. And he's like, I thought it was a local event. He's like, well, every event's a local event. The assassination of JFK was a local event. It's also very important. You know, technically speaking,

that honey is local to wherever it's local to. Who cares? By the way, Would you say that prancing around the climbing up scaffolding with a giant papyr-mache head on your head has helped your asthma or hindered it? Well, cardio is a natural... It's a natural calming of the old muscles around the lungs, isn't it?

You're doing a bit of climbing, doing a bit of manual labour. You're breathing in the... Breathing in the glue. It's a glue and paper, isn't it? I'm surely the doctor's going to say, don't put any glue and paper in your lungs. Well, it's one of the... those ones they don't have to say

I would say. Give it. Don't put any glue in your lungs. Yeah. Don't put any glue in your lungs. You know, I think... The other day, though, before I move off,

the other day, when you were climbing up that scaffolding with the Papi and Mache head on, where did you get the Hive's jacket from? Just I found it upstairs. Apparently, yeah. Apparently it was just left behind it. There was an old festival.

Weirdly, I found a yellow jacket that said Pete on it. And I was like, well, that's somebody's. I'm not going to just put my naked top on my naked top. On my naked, uh, torso on top of as well. Yeah. Sexy.

It was sexy dance. It's kind of, I imagine Richard Keyes finishes his work and being sports. He's not there anymore, mate. He runs security. That's for me. He's come back and he needs work. He's, he's a good at the wool from the door. And he's basically, uh, he's just doing a bit of security at, uh, 40-foot brewery,

more than stuff. It's complete, there was a lovely moment where, uh, we had this mic, uh, we're going to do a little chat, but then, uh, for whatever reason the mics didn't, um, feedback. They fed back, they feedbacked with the speakers at the front of the, we were watching the football. And so we couldn't do a thing that we had planned. So Marcus just went to the back of the hall and did like a, you know, come on, rock an ing. It was good, wasn't it? That is good stuff. And the plan was, I was going to come down with Mara Ritchie Key's head on, because obviously the last couple of the shows before we did that one. There was, I lost the adventure at six days in the head. And so I was going to come down and do little. you know and did you what was the joke who were going to do something like that? I said he was going to say I've dropped my pint

and I said and I would say did you mash it? Papiamashir It's not good is it right well I didn't write it let's admit who do you think wrote that of me and you sorry me and Marcus who did you think wrote that joke Marcus wrote that

and and so producer Charlie told me not to do the head because we only had one mic and it wouldn't make any sense and I wouldn't get to the crowd and all that stuff right so I come downstairs without the head

I left the head upstairs I took my high vis off put my normal clothes back on came downstairs and I just heard Marcus call and Pete managed to retrieve the head please welcome Richard Keys or whatever

and I was like uh and I wasn't I was on the other side of a door that basically had like a little cord to get in and I couldn't remember I couldn't remember the number.

And I was remembering, the thing is, I was remembering the number. I was thinking, what's the age of consent? Because it was 16, except it wasn't. It was 15. Officer, I was told the edge of consent was 15. You were in a barrel. So to remember the number, I was going, right. He's bumped into the door, a big barrel.

Is it a cassette, 16. And then another number and then a C. And I was like, right, again. Where's the age of the take control? I was the wrong. I was the way I was remembering 16. It's not right. It was, yeah, I know, because I've remembered the number wrong. I'm an idiot.

And so I was on one side of it, trying to type in the edge of consent into a door to get me Richard Key's head. And Marcus was so angry. Did you get it back? And I came downstairs, and I came downstairs. And he was proper brating me in front of my listener.

And this last, I was like, I've been listening to Fiers. I was thrilling. Because Marcus was so angry. He said, go get it now. Go get it now. I'm going, I'm not getting it now. It's the moment's gone, Marker, don't worry.

Do you know what? You know what I'm not really crap me off about it? Marcus's chat as well. We advertised at like a little mini ramble episode before the England game. We couldn't do it for the reason to say. Marcus goes off. I'll just say a few words, man. Just get the crowd going.

I'll be really good because Marcus is really good at that kind of stuff. I was like, yeah, that's fine. I don't need to be up there. You can't do your thing. And all I heard, because I didn't see him. I could just hear him on the speaker. All I heard was someone go, in Marcus's voice, go, who he thinks he can aren't going to win?

Get out. I was like, what a great service to our fee pay and listeners. Like, they've paid $22 quid to come in. Who thinks England aren't going to win? Fucking get out. You've got a lot of the Croatian top on a head, look. Yeah. So good.

Anyway, all right, should we do an email? Let's do an email for crying out loud. But then I, before we did the email, just very quickly,

I didn't know that that all went on with the Richard Keyes head. I thought that we were doing a little quick rambleep live, not to be recorded, then you were going to come out

as Richard Keys? Yeah, I think that was the plan. But then so then Marcus realized we couldn't do that, but he still wanted you to come out as Richard Keyes anyway?

Yeah, I'm fairly, yeah. But then you came out as Richard Keyes with no top on. did you have your shitty pants as well? I didn't have my shitty pants. No, okay. Well, I had my pants.

But then you came out a full time when England got the win. Can you give us five minutes? Hey? What did you say? You gave us five minutes, I'll check. I'll check. So that's when you started climbing the scaffold. Were they happy with the 40-foot brewery people happy with that?

I could hear someone, someone's going. And it wasn't when I was swinging when my arms. out is when I was getting close to the big telly that they'd rented. Yeah, it cost of 12 grand. Careful. 12 grand. They're expensive.

We used to rent one. We used to, it was a bit smaller than that, I guess, and probably less power. But we used to rent it for like four and a half grand or something. And like, they're all right.

I think it's like 20 grand to buy. No, for, um, nobody to do the podcast show. Did we? Flock's where all my fucking money went. It's crazy amounts of, of cash.

That's why we don't do it anymore. But, um, uh, yeah, because you could probably, after a while it's better to buy, buy one, isn't it? Yeah, but

I think it's kind of just having someone to deliver it upkeep and stuff, but I just get into video walls for a little while, getting into, you know, I'd love to get a big video wall in the studio.

That'd be great, isn't it? We're on a roller coaster! Whoa! That would be good because that would distract from when we haven't got much to talk about. Anyway, let's just do this email before we go home.

Tashiba, have you got a 200-inch telly? I'm seeing Dave from Tashiba tomorrow, so I'll ask you. Are you? All right. What's your biggest? video screen Toshiba Dave.

Just email me all the questions and I'll get them to him. And they'll be like, sorry, is this why I'm here? I like Tashiba Dave. He's name. Yeah, he's great. So Sandy's been in touch. I'll go to you, Sandy. He says, hello to you both. Long time, listener, infrequent email. I was listening to your recent episode where Luke mentioned Big Pav size and fawned over his swimming pool. It's safe to say Big Pav is the man we all aspire to be. But moving on from that, Luke mentioned there was no way there was a man that weighed 60 kilos.

after Pete got his Unix mixed up and was concerned a man of child-like weight would fall through some shoddy DIY of his. Well, Luke, I come to tell you that you are wrong because I indeed weigh 55 kilos or 8 and a half stone if you are a fan of the imperial measurement. To concern Luke further, I am also 6 foot tall or 180 centimetre for Pete and I sit more or less at the beginning of the BMI chart with a score of 17.

Don't worry though, as I eat well and I've tried numerous times to put on weight to no avail. I'm a fat person hiding in a thin person body waiting for age to creep up and out me for the fraud that I am. That is bonkers. 55 kilos and six foot. That's wild. That's half free of picture.

I think my sort of BMI scale, I think I could be like it and still be in the healthy. It'll be the bottom end of healthy, but it'd be like... So I'm basically 95 kilos. Right. Yeah. And I'm only a little taller than Sandy here. So Sandy says, yeah, he says, I'm enjoying being able to eat almost anything with no weight

gain. The tradeoff is that I'm a little taller than Sandy here. the trade-off is I'm a fellow IBS enthusiast like Pete. However, my intolerance is to sugar, although I get buy a maple syrup with no hassle. Like Pete, I'd also take liberties and regularly push the boundaries that my stomach has set for me and pay the consequences later, but that's the future of me's problem.

I also have asthma, but thankfully, the similarities between Pete and I end there. That's from Sandus. Something like 60% of asthmatics. I know so much of asthma now. I knew nothing about it when it wasn't bothering me, but now I know everything. there's uh yeah 60% of asthmatics have uh reflux

acid reflux it's related it's linked is it I think it's linked uh I think it's um I think one causes the other uh and the and then that one causes the other one sort of thing so the acid gets in your lungs fucks up your lungs right I think the meds that you take for asthma can fuck up your stomach and uh I've tried I'm just trying to find a sort of solution to my to my problems and uh I've tried to apart from um last week when we went to the

when we did the 40-foot brewery thing and the ones that we're doing this week I've been trying to go on the Gurd diet. You familiar with Gurd? Gerd. If you've got a Gurd, I'm not really sure what Gurd stands for but it's basically, you can't eat anything

fun for your life. Oh, okay. Can't eat anything. Do you like avocados? Well, fucking, you're going to enjoy this one. You're like avocados and nuts. Yeah, brilliant. He's thought about wearing a barrel?

and having a little wooden hat as well like a little wooden flower pot hat and wearing a barrel as a kind of skirt with no top of you can't have citrus juice but watermelon you can have so I could have watermelon pants

let's do that let's do that all right let's go I've got to go and do something else now all right good all right with your big tall frame right yes we'll be back on Monday get in touch Luke pittshow.com. We love your email. That's why we do it for crying out loud. And we'll be back then. Say goodbye, Luke.

Goodbye Luke. It's goodbye from me. The Luke and Pete Show is a stack production and part of the ACAST creator network.