The Luke and Pete Show - An Octopus Revenge Plot

Episode Date: November 5, 2020

It’s Thursday again, which means the boys are back for another chat full of nonsense! Pete’s revving up to tell all about his recent CBT license and his dreams of a new motorbike, while Luke shares his experience on impressing girls with mad moped skills. We then get some vocal coaching lessons as Pete attempts to locate his inner Céline Dion. Elsewhere, after discovering the age in which people lose their passion for life, the boys search for what most matters to them. Plus, one listener shares all about a fishy supermarket fiasco involving *very* unexpected contents of a Quality Street tin. Get involved at [e-mail]! See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

and we're back it's the luca peach it's a thursday god knows what happened has happened in the american elections god knows what's happened under lockdown here in england oh i don't know what's going on luke we'll have to cover all those things on monday we will recording this early aren't we tell you what has happened in the last few days though luke i passed my cbt test. Whoa! So I can now drive a 125cc motorbike slash scooter as long as I put learner plates and I'm very careful and I wear a helmet. This is what I'm going to give you for passing your CBT test. Oh, very nice. Thank you.

Very good. So what's the plan? get a big hog big 125 cc hog and put l plates on it and make it look shit and drive around are you actually gonna get a little vespa oh my god i won't get a vespa i'll get a moderately priced chinese uh knockoff scooter that I won't mind being stolen. But when you say scooter, you mean like a moped, not... Moped, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, not one of those e-scooters. Are you going to get an open-faced helmet, like I said before?

I've got a home open-faced helmet. It's a bit tight, though. I think I measured my head wrong. But they should be tight, wouldn't they? You shouldn't be flopping around, should they? I think so, yeah. You can use them, as you said before, you can use like a watermelon.

Can you fit your glasses inside that's the thing isn't it when I was doing my my little it's not really a test it's a course more than anything else they're at pains to suggest

it's not a test but they can just not pass you yeah no I think they have to pass you if you complete it

but they can go you're not getting on the roads they can stop the course at any time so they can't they just hobble you we can't literally fail you but we've broken both your ankles so you're not getting on the roads they can stop the course at any time so they can't fail you they just hobble you we can't literally fail you

but we've broken both your ankles so you're not going anywhere it was very funny I was with it was me and two lads both of which were 16 yeah obviously

16 first time yeah and they were both like one of them went how old are you I'm 39 he said what are you driving a car

so what did you have to do how old was he How old are you? I'm 39. He said, why are you driving a car? So what did you have to do? How old was he? What a little fucking loser I am. Were you older than the instructor? No, no. The instructor was slightly older than me. He was Brazilian. He was a lovely, lovely chap.

And what did you have to do? Talk us through it. Bearing in mind, I've never been on a scooter before. I've never driven anything. I'm worried for you. I've been worried for you. I was out on the road and I was like... Listen, peter since i saw the motorbike emoji pop up in the group

calendar i've been worried for you um yeah i'd never been on a motorbike for or a scooter and yeah we're just toting around these scooters and i was just like i'd never not even on holiday had i got an illegal scooter and so it around so i had the c back in 97, 98 but I had a moped. Right. So I did it on that moped. Yeah. What did you actually do yours on? I just gave you a random

moped that I've never used before but so yeah you just tootled about and you know what to my small credit at 39 I think it's harder

to learn those things where it's a bit more like when you're 16 you've got no you've got no fear but now you just I've got responsibilities who will sort the broadband out

if I get my head squished by a bus. But yeah, so I'm too... But your life's been a testament to not having any responsibilities, though, isn't it? No, good point. Well, I've tried to see them off.

This responsibility will be my own responsibility of not killing myself. So, yeah. But yeah, it was fun. But I think travelling quicker than a certain miles per hour is quite a rare thing for me.

So what's your car? When does the adrenaline kick in? I don't know. I was cracking on for like 30 and I was like, oh, this is a bit fast, isn't it? Yeah. I could just... What's to stop me?

And if I'm thinking, what's to stop me? I shouldn't be... I should not be getting involved too quite frankly. And did they give you the... Because when I did it, they gave you a little talk about how important it is to wear the appropriate clothing. Oh, that was it.

It took about an hour to just talk about Kevlar pants. Yeah. I was like, mate. My dad, I don't know if I told the listeners this, but when I first passed my CBT, my dad was at a motorbike back in the day.

He's a big motorcycling fan, obviously, because he's a dad. And he showed me what it looks like when your skin hits the gravel over a certain amount

of speed and to demonstrate he rubbed a peach on some sandpaper it's not an amazing dad thing to do yeah it really is a waste of a peach

if anything I'd say yeah I think he ate the other half of it did he brown and glossy so you've got to

make sure you've got gloves on and a good pair of jeans why so gloves are like the thing because your hands go down when you fall off and you hurt yourself big time gravel rash isn't good

not me I'll just I'll probably land on my feet like a badass flip off yeah just find some grass I fell off my moped twice one was in the back

alleyway behind my house I was on my own doing wheelies. And I fell off the back, but no one saw me. The second time was much more embarrassing. I was walking a girl who I quite liked at the time, home,

after we'd been doing something. And it was me and her. And I was walking my moped because she was walking. And we didn't have a helmet for her to go on the back. I don't think you're allowed to take passes. No, no. And so I was walking my moped because she was walking. Yeah. I wouldn't have a helmet for her to go on the back. I don't think you're allowed to take passes. No, no.

And so I was walking with her. And I realized I'd left something back at the place we were at. So I said, don't worry about it. I'll just skip back and get it. Stay there and I'll come back. And we were walking across a park at the time. And as I came back, I was riding the moped back towards her. I wasn't actually aiming for her.

I mean, I was coming back towards her i wasn't actually aiming for it i mean i was coming back to water because i'm a maniac and i completely didn't click because i hadn't had the moped for very long but the grass was quite dewy yeah and i hit the brakes i just slid out yes yeah if you didn't go to a control slide and then just landed on your feet that would have been pretty cool this is the thing right i meant to do that don't even need it i didn't land on my feet obviously but it didn't look that bad. I slid along. You should have just lit a cigarette

and just flicked it at the gas, the petrol tamp. That would have been cool. Yeah, that would have been amazing. I've got loads of these at home and they just walked away. Yeah, that would have been amazing. That was embarrassing

because I'll tell you what, the story that it goes like that, right, is that, I'm not going to name her because it'd be unfair. I haven't seen her for years anyway, but it doesn't matter. But that wasn't that bad. And she still was really into me, but I just didn't see it at the time.

And I can remember, this is embarrassing, but I'll say it anyway. I can remember, right, going around her house and she was having a few people over and she invited me around early. Yeah. Right. So it was just me and her. And then she started saying things to me like,

what we should do is we should pretend that we're boyfriend and girlfriend to everyone that comes around. And I still didn't twig that she was interested in me. You big dum-dum. Yeah. You big dum-dum. Could have been so different. What? Could have been so different.

My life could have been so different. For a bit. Yeah. For a bit. For about three weeks before we fell out over probably some kind of, we used to, we had a couple of disagreements about

our favourite Oasis songs oh right okay yeah because it was about 95 what was hers compared to yours we had a big row about Slide Away right

it's kind of boozy that song I really liked it it's a woozy boozy song she wasn't into it why because it's just

it's not that bad actually as we got to 16 as we got to 16 as we got to 16 I went off to a different six form college no she came to the same school college but we got different friends

and we kind of drifted apart anyway that's I don't know where that's come from she's doing now the point is

the point is you are going to get a load of hot chicks because you're moped so how are you going to deal with that with I put a helmet on

I put the helmet on and even though it's not like full face it look it makes me look like a big light bulb head like it's so big like um in um in there where he does the lloyd grossman yes yeah i look exactly like that it's not cool but you know you've got a finger for a knife in the you're just a fakey cake maker and ain't got time for you yeah i i think i'm losing um i've got a finger for a knife in the fork. You're just a fakey cake maker and ain't got time for you. Yeah. I, I think I'm losing, I've got polyps. I can't do you anymore. Yeah.

I was trying to sing Celine Dion over the weekend. I couldn't do it. I think your vocal cords do. I've been singing twice. That's fine. You did alright there. Yeah, but then you've got to go, well, you've got high. It's just kind of like.

So there's a song, which is one of my wife's favourite songs, called Valentine by Delays. Right. And I used to pride myself on hitting the high notes on that because he sings really falsetto. Right. And I can't hit them anymore.

No. So I think it changes as you get older. Yeah, you do get deeper. Is that... So it could just be... So it could be... So it could just be... I'm becoming...

I'm becoming a man. Yeah, maybe. You sounded a bit... Yeah, he's... Do you know Pete... I sound like the puppeteer off Tim and Eric Orson, I'm sure he goes. Yeah, maybe. You sounded a bit, yeah. Do you know, Pete? I sound like the puppeteer off Tim and Eric Orson,

I'm sure he goes, where he sings the song about puberty. Yeah. Puberty. Yeah. Make me fall in love sexually. Yo,

not what you're talking about. Peter, the, the interesting thing about the old vocal chords is that when we were doing the live tour a year ago, Yes.

We were doing, obviously we were doing the shows, we were doing the live tour a year ago yes we were doing obviously we were doing the shows we were doing the theater stuff and i was doing a lot of talking even for me and my voice was getting it was getting bad right it was getting sore you should have had um five heinekens every night like a while yeah i'm a heine man and uh i started following a guy who is a vocal coach for the west end right it. Like, he's top, top level. Just to see if he'd give it, because I wasn't going to pay him, but just to see if he had any tips on Twitter.

And he did. And he actually said that, I hope I'm not, I'm not going to name him, so this isn't going to be libelous, but I'm 99% sure he said that honey and lemon, hot drinks, it's all bollocks. Nothing you swallow touches your vocal cords. Yeah, no, I would have got that. It's all about hydration. Right.

And staying hydrated and getting enough sleep and all that kind of stuff you'd expect normally that helps it. Yeah. It's nothing to do with like hot lemon and honey and all that type of stuff. It makes you feel better though, doesn't it? Probably does.

It makes you feel like you're doing something. Yeah, feel good, look good, perform good. By the way, speaking of getting older i read um earlier this week that according to a norwegian study 54 the age of 54 is generally the age where people lose their passion for life oh that's a big shout apparently so in norway oh yeah it's a bit grim up there at certain times of the year isn't it yeah so apparently one of the things they did say as well also is that you need to stay doing something you're passionate about right and when it comes to having willpower passion yeah and uh dedication and positive outlook for life you need to use it

or lose it there'll always be onanism, Luke. There'll always be masturbation. I imagine you're a man, you're probably a man who's lost your passion for that by now, isn't it? I've done too many variations on the theme. I'll never get bored of that. I don't think anyone will. It's cracking. I think it's up there as the best thing we can do. But do you think...

It's completely free, of course. Do you think that you'll get to 54 still with passion, or have you lost your passion already get to 54 but still with passion have you lost your passion already i think i hope i i hope i do because a lot of people i know and a lot of family members just kind of it can go to one or two ways like my mom gone my my auntie not not so much uh and she just keeps she she wants she she's gutted about the lockdown she's gutted about she she got ill uh last week she survived cancer and and she probably has something to do with that, I guess. But she's an incredibly inspirational person who, you know,

she's a staunch socialist and she's still very politically sort of minded. And it's rare to see people of that era, people of that generation, who at that age are still quite left wing. You know, it seems weird because you as you know as all of our mums and dads they get a bit kind of reactionary in their older age because they could because the things they consume but i find that quite inspirational but my mom on the other hand doesn't do anything she just stays at home and she's just scared of anything she's very meek and i think if i was going to give one message to my younger self is to just not worry about

stuff quite so much. And that's something that I learned from her, I think. I'm not blaming her. I think... Could you get her a moped? Well, she's got a driver's license and she's kind of stuck not being able to see her grandkids on my sister's side. Because I ain't getting any.

I ain't making any. That's not your choice either, is it? You've been, you've been talking about it. I mean, I've been chemically good. It was, it was a lot of cards

because of the things I'd done. Do you want grandkids or a moped? Do you want to see me need tests? Yeah. And so like, I know what you mean. People can get,

become more into it. Yeah, I feel, I feel sorry for you because she had the opportunity to have a car and run a car, but she just never, she just lost a bit of herself in that and that's and that's sad and i think a lot

of older women do do experience your dad lost a bit of his self and he carries it around his neck but men have these kind of old men kind of things like pub and golf and balls and the football and and women kind of get left behind in the 70s. But it's funny, I wouldn't describe either of my parents in that way, just because it wouldn't fit them. But if I was going to go one way or the other, I'd say it's the opposite of my family. Oh, really?

My mum's a lot more sociable. Yeah, but your dad's got his restoring pans and stuff. Yeah, his big thing is benches now. Benches, that's right, yeah. He's got a mate who lives down the road and he hangs out with his brother quite a lot. But I think generally benches that's right yeah he's got a mate who lives down the road and he hangs out with his brother quite a lot but I think generally speaking

it's surprising he said that because I think women are much better at keeping friends at an older age than men are yes yeah that's fair so my mum's got loads of friends she's always doing stuff but I think male friends

it kind of it would be fair to say that their friendship are built around stuff like football and booze and so you have to be indulging in one thing to have the other one along yeah that's fair are built around stuff like football and booze. So you have to be indulging in one thing to have the other one along.

Yeah, that's fair, I suppose, yeah. So what I'm trying to get at is, so if we bracket all this together, what do you think the reason for you getting the moped is? Just keeping your passion for life. I want to damage myself in a new way as I head into my 40s. I want to harm myself. Because I remember when I head into my 40s yeah I want to harm myself

because I remember when I worked can't be asked to get a proper driving licence that's harder work much harder work that is much harder yeah

and to be honest nipping about London is a moped's probably a better solution yeah exactly it's probably more dangerous but it's a better solution I remember when I was

doing a job back in the day it would have been about 2008, 9 maybe and there was a guy who had been divorced from his wife. Right. He's about the same age

we are now. He was then and he got on motorbike and started going to the gym and wearing leather trousers and stuff. Is this like a watered down version of that?

Well, I did all my gym work in my 30s and I've left that behind. When was the last time you went to the gym? Well, probably at the start of this year,

January. Yeah. Huh. Before you left the gym well probably during the start of this year January yeah before you left the gym I'm just happy now I wasn't happy before don't look happy I'm quite chilled out listen after that amazing news

that Pete Donaldson's got a moped I've got a moped moped moped who's that I think it might be Fede

no it wasn't it was the girl all the bad guys want. Oh, bowling for soup. Bowling for soup. Fida is, you gotta see the player, player, player, player. Buck Rogers.

Let's have a little break. Let's go and see Pete's moped and rev it in the ads. And then when we come back, we'll stink of petrol. WrestleMe is a show where two men watch every Wrestlemania from 1 to 37, unpicking the multicoloured threads that tie it all together. I think it's slightly something to do with the fact that Americans don't really like cell phones, do they? I think they've all got basic ones, basically.

That's a big shout. It is a big shout, but I mean, there is something funny about it, like text messaging never took off in the States. What? Come on now. Never been big. Whether you're a lapsed fan or someone who doesn't give a flying laureate about it,

there's something for everyone. If you can get a crowd to boo you for kicking a fabulous ladder. A fabulous ladder. And the crowd are booing. Yeah. Get off that lovely ladder

we've just learned about. It's a beautiful polysexual ladder. It's a beautiful and a bit shabby chic creation. If you climb up to it ecstasy can be found

at the top. Listen via Spotify, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your pods. Wrestle Me is a Stakhanov production. Vroom vroom.

We're back. Get on the moped. Yeah, we're back. Speaking of that actually, welcome back to the Luke and Pete show. I'm Luke Moore. That's Pete Donaldson over there.

We will be covering, as far as we cover anything, things like the second lockdown, things like the American election next week. So stay tuned for that. Our Luke Womtex on the American election. What do you mean? What's wrong with that?

Everyone's got an opinion. That's the point of it. Yeah, but the opinion will be more important on the Thursday rather than the... By the time it gets to Monday, there'll probably still be counting the ballots. They'll probably still be engaged. The old Supreme Court will probably be saying

that we're in stalemate. I'll give people an update. Everyone else is talking about it. We've got a show. We've got to watch something. We'll play it by ear. We might talk about it on Monday. Okie dokie.

Speaking of petrol. Yes. I re-watched the entirety of saxondale oh yeah good yeah enjoyable six episodes it's actually 13 episodes oh i saw a little watched second series yeah brilliant show yeah so for those that know what it is it's steve coogan playing tommy sax now his most underrated comedy character in my view is it not just part ridge taken to its kind of is it just like a like a it's like partridge but he's just not on the telly because he's

very top gear and very kind of likes his classic rock and you know men of a certain age well do you know what it's a good it's a good point and i have considered this and i think my my opinion on it is people say oh that's got a bit of Partridge in it he's got a bit of Partridge in him that's the beauty of Partridge he's in all of us and Coogan is the same human being

playing him so you're going to get a bit of that I liked his Gareth Cheeseman do you remember Gareth Cheeseman Gareth Cheeseman

was great I'm a tiger but Tommy Saxon Dowell the premise is that he is a roadie from the 70s

who thinks he still fights against the system all the time but he's actually just a pest controller living in Stevenage in like a suburban house that he is a roadie from the 70s who thinks he still fights against the system all the time, but he's actually just a pest controller living in Stevenage, in like a suburban house with his girlfriend and stuff. And he does little things that proves to himself

that he's not one of the suit and tie mob. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But the turn of phrase, and the character's really well realised, he's got an amazing, the dialogue is fantastic. He's got this sidekick, this little kid called Raymond,

doesn't know anything about anything. Ruth Jones plays his girlfriend. She's brilliant in everything anyway. And Darren Boyd plays his annoying neighbor, who's great. Which is mental, right? Because Darren Boyd is actually my neighbor. He lives on my road. So it's kind of weird sometimes when you see him knocking about.

Anyway, it's a really, really good show. it's kind of weird sometimes when you see him knocking about anyway it's a really really good show and it what it does is it leans quite a lot on the big names and big characters being peripheral but never actually being seen so he'll talk about being friends with nick mason from pink floyd or richie blackmore from deep purple and how he did this that and the other and you'll see the occasional photo yeah but they're never in it i just think it's a really really well done show it's really really funny yeah well worth a watch it didn't do um one thing it didn't do very well at the time it doesn't do well now because you have to pay for it on amazon it's not available on netflix or prime or anything like that so you've got to pay extra for it so it's not become part of the

zeitgeist or anything like that i bought um the greatest showman um and never watched it i'll never say i started the rental period and and just it's. I've never seen that. I started the rental period and just, I should have. The movie with Hugh Jackman. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is it supposed to be good? Yeah, I think so.

Yeah, it's started something. I've not seen it. It's ignited something in people's hats. Emails, Peter. Yes. Hello at LukeandPeteShow.com. I did say that I promised,

in fact, that we'd do an email about a man having his leg filled with super glue. I can deliver on that promise now. It's Andrew. He says, hi guys, I'm in my early 40s

and I still skateboard whenever possible. One of your lot, Pete. Yeah. Have you got a moped, Andrew? My bad, mate. Is there a reboot of Tony Hawk 2? It's one and two together. On the Switch?

All of the levels together. Oh, I don't know if it's on the Switch. That would be a good shout, actually, the build on the Switch. Well on the Switch, wouldn't, I don't know whether it's on the Switch. That would be a good shout actually they'd put on the Switch. It would on the Switch, wouldn't it? Yeah, no, it came back. They've done a lovely job actually because there have been

loads of different reboots of Tony Hawk and each one has been underwhelming and shite. I don't get on... I spent a lot of lockdown playing all of the Tony Hawk's though so when I got the new one

I was just like, I'm done, I've done all this. I don't like the iOS thing where you have the directional pad on the screen because you never know where your thumb is. Where do you want your directional pad though? How are you not know where your thumb is why do you want your direction pad though how are you going to have

it not how are you not going to have the no i want it on the switch all right that's what i'm saying i'm playing super mario odyssey at the moment very good it's very good isn't it anyway andrew says he still skates sports skateboards whenever possible uh may or may not have a moped he doesn't say most recently i ended up coming off my skateboard and hitting the ground and taking a two inch chunk out of my leg which left a rather deep and wide hole one trip to the local a and e after being thoroughly chastised by my wife and i left with a large wound filled with super glue so the answer to your question last week is yes they use it. Or they did on me anyway. Stay rad, Andrew. So, I mean, I didn't know they were filling wounds with it.

Yeah. Presumably it's special glue that they've got, not just off-the-shove Loctite. Imagine if we just pulled it off one of those little hooks you get in a shop. Just loads of super glue lined up. It's incredible stuff. Crack this one open.

Yeah, it's incredible stuff really, isn't it? Yeah, I mean... I like that it gets hot. Well, is that how they do it? They warm it up to make it... No, no, the actual chemical reaction with the air or the oxygen kind of makes it hot.

Do you remember that glue you had to mix together? Maybe it helps kind of plastics bind? I don't really know, to be honest. You know the glue you had to mix together? Right.

Was that like a marketing thing? I don't know. Was it Araldite? Yeah, it smelled weird. There was a metal one thing? I don't know. Was it Araldite where you had to mix the... It smelled weird. There was a metal one that my dad used to have. One was in an orange and a black little kind of like...

It looked like a little missile and you'd open it up and you'd mix it together. It was this metal kind of alloy kind of paste stuff. It was incredibly strong. Incredibly strong. Available over the counter?

Probably not. Probably not. It looked proper specialist look. It looked real problematic stuff. You'd have to take your metal in to get a prescription to get a prescription exactly yeah exactly we've got an email from anonymous please i caught it before we got to edit out hi luke and pete first time uh long time apologies in advance of the length that's what she said um some of the details of this email may be slightly vague and i will change my name for anonymity slash future employment sick uh yes

i thought it was time that i shared my police story background on me i'm now 26 i was 24 at the time of the story i enjoy the occasional marijuana cigarette relevant and have a master's degree from a year studying in the uk post uni in the states humble brag to show that i'm not an idiot while driving my hometown located in suburban philadelphia i'm pulled over by the popo um after a fairly usual initial encounter the officer says he's going back in his car to run my info after about 15 minutes uh 50 minutes go by i begun looking at my phone i look in my mirror to see that three more squad cards had arrived um i'm approached by the police guns blazing and I realise the first officer must have smelled what weed I had in my vehicle.

It was rather intense having guns pulled on me, to be honest. I'm exiting my car and the police then search my vehicle. I'm thinking I'm completely fucked and my future is over because weed is still illegal here. My saving grace, as they explain, is that there's a programme run by the police department that only exists in the specific township locally. As I was under 26 and I had less than some astronomical amount of pot with me, I was eligible.

If I completed the program, my record would be wiped like nothing had ever happened. I was obviously jumping at this opportunity. The program entailed bringing one parent to a meeting with the police chief and the rest of the program members. Think meeting the teacher night, except I am grown and it's the police. We had to visit a morgue and I saw actual bodies. Huh. I mean, that's scared straight kind of bollocks, isn't it? Full on that, yeah.

Yeah. I had to be analysed by an addiction specialist who would determine if I needed extra counselling. It's a bit heavy handed, all this, isn't it? Yeah. Had to meet in a group of counselling with other programme members led by a recovering addict, attend a session at the local courthouse where a drug-related case

was being ruled upon, had to call the chief of police on the first every month to check in and I was also subject to random drug tests. I mean... That's why I've got to jail.

I don't think the police and the police chief would be necessarily into this particularly. What's he calling me for? The chief of police? I've got loads on. The programme lasted nine months.

If you felt a call or report for any of the activities, you would be arrested and charged with the original crime. I made it through and I am now on the right side of Johnny Law enjoying weed

in a more discreet manner. He's not learned anything. No. He's not learned anything, Anonymous. I reckon that the police officers in question made this up. Yes, exactly. And every time he called

the chief of police, he put one speaker, but they muted it. So he had to say, I'm sorry, he was for the whole department. Yes, exactly. And every time we called the chief of police, we put one speaker, but they muted it. So we had to say, I'm sorry to the whole department. Oh, man. That is very heavy-handed. Very heavy-handed.

For a little bit of a wacky-backy. A little bit of the sweet Mary, Mother Joanna Jen. Don't need to include the suits of Her Majesty's for that kind of stuff. I know, right? Don't know. In the US today,

a lot of places, they don't even bother. Waste of time. What about this from Billy, who says, hi, guys, following on for your chat about working in hotels i thought i would share this little tidbit about six years ago i was working in a hotel in yorkshire which was about to be closed flattened and turned into a housing estate we had no guests and most of the staff had left the hotel leaving a skeleton crew to tide us over until we closed i took over the role of night

porter night porter the most deviant of all the jobs uh and was the only member of staff on the premises overnight i was told very explicitly by the old night porter that 3 a.m every morning i was to go into the cellar and turn a big red lever and return at 5 a.m and turn it back again i was given no reason for this. My night shift mostly consisted of grabbing some cheesecake from the kitchen, checking myself into a room, don't check yourself in, there's no point in going on edge,

go in, and having a grand old snooze through the night. Needless to say, I did not turn the lever. One day, I came in for my shift to find the ceiling above the reception and back office had collapsed and been completely flooded. It turns out the lever controlled some sort of boiler or water pipe. I wasn't really paying attention.

And by not turning it, I had been slowly flooding the hotel. The place looked an absolute wreck and the computers in the back office were trashed. Luckily, the manager wasn't asked as the hotel was closing the next day. The last I saw of the manager, in fact, he had nicked the commercial conveyor belt toaster from the breakfast buffet. A bulky bit of booty. Yeah, along with a few bottles of gin and drove off into the night. Nice.

At this hotel, I once also served Graham Pohl, the referee who famously gave a player three yellow cards without sending them off at the 2006 World Cup. He ordered two pints, and I thought it would be hilarious to give him three pints and say, I forgot that I poured the second one. Anyway, I chickened out of this and just gave him three pints.

He probably thought I was just an idiot. Keep up the good work, Billy. That's spectacular. I don't know if I'd like to work as a night porter on my own in the hotel. Oh, I'd very much like to, as long as I wasn't asked to do anything. I've always...

One word, four syllables, Donaldson. Masturbation. Exactly. Check myself out in my room. It's the first thing you do, isn't it? Yeah, I think I would very much like to be a night pot. I'd very much like to be security. I just think I'd get a lot done.

Nothing to do with my work. I'd just get a lot done. Watch a lot of TV shows. Watch a lot of TV shows. I'd maybe learn language you wouldn't learn language I don't know

maybe develop an effective track and trace system none of this stuff would happen I would watch a lot of YouTube none of this stuff

would happen I want to do one more email very quickly because we've got so many good ones this week and I don't want

to leave anyone out this one's from Dave and he says I want to share that I worked in the supermarket after leaving school that's another thing

we were talking about. One day we came into work and there was a putrid, fishy smell all throughout the store that was so bad they were forced to close it. Upon an investigation, it was discovered that a dead octopus had been hidden in a quality street tin on the confectionery aisle. The rotting octopus has started to dissolve through the bottom of the tin

which caused the sudden smell to be released. Why would it be rotting through the bottom of the tin? I don't know, maybe like acidic or something like that. It turns out

an old colleague in the store who had been fired around six months prior was behind this octopus revenge plot and it was the most exciting thing to happen in four years of working there.

Keep up the good work, Dave. I mean, no one's bought a quality street in six months. I find that hard to me. It must have been the summer. Rotten octopus. Yeah. That's absolutely rank, isn't it? How'd you get it in there?

Yeah, it would really stink and you wouldn't really know where it was coming from. I told you my mate Lewis used to bombard me with fruit and veg. Yeah. If he had bombarded me with an octopus, I think that would have flipped me over the edge only if it had stuck

to your face like yeah that would look pretty cool yeah each octopus tentacle has got its own brain yeah

right okay cool yeah very nice apparently they're very intelligent octopus well how many tentacles do they have

primitive biologists usually think they might in fact be from a different completely different solar system or whatever right they weren't quite sure they fitted into the animal kingdom they do look very unique don't they Archaeologists usually think they might, in fact, be from a completely different solar system or whatever. Right, okay. They weren't quite sure they fitted into the animal kingdom. They do look very unique, don't they?

Yeah. Same with the Venus flytrap, I believe. Oh, right, okay. Yeah. Do you like octopus? Very much so. Probably one of my favourite meats, I would say. Is it a meat?

Yeah. I like calamari. Yeah. I don't like the octopus tentacles it's very dry and cloying to me nah what only if you've not cooked

unless you've overcooked it maybe I don't know we went for a nice meal in Lisbon you and I once and there was a load of courses and the octopus course was genuinely one of the most disgusting

things I've ever tasted and it was like a Michelin star restaurant we had I don't think it was was it Michelin star it was very good we had

we had cuttlefish I had cuttlefish for the first time in Lisbon on that't think it was it was very good we had um we had cuttlefish i had cuttlefish for the first time in in lisbon on that trip and it was fucking great yeah and now every time i see cuttlefish i'm like i want that i'm like a little parrot i'm like i just want a bit of cuttlefish keep it in the quality street team probably let's get out of here yeah let's go home yes uh we'll be back on monday uh as is the custom have a lovely weekend stay safe look after yourselves in lockdown i know it's not easy we're all in the same boat though we'll get through it together and hopefully have a nice Christmas

we'll be back on Monday anyway and we'll try and keep the lockdown chat to a minimum to give people a little bit of a departure a little bit of an escape Pete will hopefully have bought a moped by then no? Hopefully yeah you would have done that great so we'll get some information on that and yeah we'll speak to you then so hello at gluecompeture.com is the email address.

Leave us a review on Apple Podcast if you like the show. And also the most powerful thing you can do is tell your pals. We'll see you next time. Stay safe. Look after yourselves and each other. Ta-ta. Ta-ta. This was a Stakhanov production and part of the ACAST Creative Network.