The Luke and Pete Show - Born in Hartlepool, made in the Royal Navy

Episode Date: January 18, 2021

On today's show, Pete tells us all about his days working in the zoo with animals in nappies, meanwhile Luke reveals who he's desperate to give a Chinese burn to.In other news, we discuss asthmatic sleepovers and pole-dancing firefighters, before getting to one very exciting email about the Royal Navy. Listen now!Get in touch at [e-mail] or over on Twitter at @lukeandpeteshow! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

it's monday it's a luke and pete show we do this every monday and thursday people i'm pete donaldson i'm joined by luke moore for another foray into the strange how you doing man pretty good what's going on how's it going everyone yeah i think i overcooked the uh the strange I've spent the last hour looking at dolls on the internet that are little monkeys. These kind of like, you know, these kind of like real dolls, not like the sexy real dolls, but like little dolls that women of a certain age seem to find fantastic. And they're very realistic, kind of premium, non-toy adult sort of ornaments,

I suppose you'd call them. Yeah, I find them very odd, but I don't want to be too judgmental. No. So they are ultra-realistic. But are they meant to be cuddled, Peter? Are they meant to be touched? I don't know. It would be a shame.

It would be a shame to have ultra-realistic little babies and not, you know, pop them in the bed next to you or something or have a little cuddle when you're feeling down. Pop them in the scrapbook. Pop one of their heads poking out the loft. I'm not going to judge people for buying sort of realistic-looking baby dolls, but I am going to judge them if those baby dolls are little orangutans. No, I would judge them favorably if they were little orangutans.

It makes more sense, doesn't it? Yeah. I think what that does is that increases the connection to people, to the everyday. And of course, as we know, orangutans' environment's being destroyed at a pretty rapid pace, mostly for palm oil, for that pesky palm oil. So I'm looking at you, Nutella eaters and peanut butter eaters.

That's where most of it goes to. I'm led to believe. Yeah, I only eat dog. Can I say that? Probably not. I've used a brand name there. Can I say that? I don't know.

What did you say? What did you say? You said peanut butter and? Nutella. Nutella. Nutella. Well, has it got any? I'm fairly certain Nutella took the palm oil out of the way what did you say what did you say you said peanut butter and nutella nutella well has it got and i'm fairly certain nutella took the palm oil out of their product i'm going to clean this up by you know just saying something i i don't think is actually backed up by fact um but um yeah i i think that uh orangutans should leave the jungle of sumatra and borneo uh and

live with old women. I think that's where they should live. So I'm going to come on to that very important point in just a second. But before I do, I'm reading here now that the palm oil used in Nutella is 100% RSPO certified sustainable palm oil and does not come from plantations subject to deforestation. That's my Alan Partridge bit. Chocolate oranges are available from Rawlinson's.

Could we save the orangutans by a kind of pen pal exchange student type scheme where an orangutan goes to stay with a lonely older woman? I mean, are they docile? Because a chimp will take your face off. Let's make that absolutely clear. Yeah, they're pretty chill, aren't they? Yeah, orangutans are pretty docile because a chimp will take your face off let's make that absolutely clear yeah they're pretty chill aren't they yeah orangutans are pretty docile they're pretty calm until they're not until they're not luke moore yeah and then maybe um the older ladies could um donate their husbands their feckless husbands to live in the jungle with the orangutan the question is clothing, would anyone notice?

Exactly. Not in my case. What would you do, Peter? Sorry, Peter, I was just going to ask you a very important question. I do apologise for cutting across you, but this is important. If you had it demanded upon you to have to live with an orangutan in your current house for a certain amount of time, what kind of adjustments would you make to the homestead to make the orangutan in your current house for a certain amount of time what kind of adjustments

would you make to the homestead to make the orangutan less homesick would you maybe sort of fix a little swing in the corner where an easy chair would be but put a swing there instead maybe yeah well i think orangutans would actually quite enjoy a nice lazy boy easy boy uh sort of chair is it easy boy i'm fairly certain easy boy. Lazy boy. Lazy boy, easy boy. That's what you say to a horse to calm down. That's the people who invented the capital, isn't it? The easy boys. Exactly.

I would obviously have to get rid of all my palm oil products, so I would have to subsist on a peanut butter diet of like dog peanut butter, because dogs get very sick if they eat anything with palm oil in them. So if you ever buy dog peanut butter, it doesn't have any palm oil in it. So there you go. So you couldn't say, for example,

give the orangutan who's staying with you some peanut butter and offer it up as a little taste of home? Oh, that would be gauche, wouldn't it? That would be very gauche, wouldn't it? Because I tell you what, my cats go mental whenever there's a wildlife documentary on the TV, particularly if it involves birds. They're all about that.

So I wonder if the orangutan in question would be more interested in that type of programming. They'd probably recognise David Attenborough from when they saw him before. I've seen him. They'd probably think of him as kind of like an apparition, like a ghostly white apparition. We all do these days.

So what other adjustments are you making in the homestead? Are you probably going to fence off the garden, I expect? Yeah, I probably wouldn't have quite so much, you know, there's so many wires around. They'd start tearing it to bits. They'd strip the wires. They'd be sick everywhere from the terrible food I feed them. Would you make them work loads?

It would be a real shame. Yes, of course i would um as i've said on this podcast before i used to work in a zoo that um i can't remember why some kind of medical reason uh what the little baby orangutan used to um wear a little nappy so i they would all wear nappies i don't want to poo in all of my house yeah there's admin exactly you could probably listen if you can you can train the orangutan to go for a shit in the toilet. Yeah, I'd have a go.

Just show them how you do it. All they've got to do is see you doing one poo and they're done. That's it. Right, yeah, but worst case scenario, you have to do it loads of times and then you're just a man who's publicly defecating in front of a simian. I also think if you woke up in the middle of the night like half asleep and you had to go to the toilet and you stumbled across the orangutan it might be like oh my god i've seen an apparition of myself and it'd be quite quite frightening well i i frequently uh think i've stepped onto a dog when it's actually just a pair of fluffy slippers uh in the night so i'm just constantly screaming so i catch you we put them out into the dining

room slash kitchen slash garden in the evening so they know at a certain time each night and they run out there automatically now it's quite clever it's quite cute about 10 i give them some food to sustain them through the night hours and shut the dining room door and they don't scratch to come in or anything. They're used to it. But you don't section off the house with your two dogs that you've got access to. No, no. I think the two dogs have access to.

One of the dogs likes to hide under things and the other dog, the older dog, will just lie on the bed. And you can't. So this is the dance we do every night. Right. My partner will be in bed and next to her will be the dog, the older dog, who decides. And he'll always be sleeping on my pillow.

Right. And for a hay fever slash, you know. Disrespectful. For an asthmatic who's allergic to dogs, it's a nightmare. But I know if push comes to shove, what decision would be made if i kicked up a fuss so so um i i carefully pick him up and he growls at me and i go buckley calm it down because look you can't sleep on my pillow what if i rolled over and squished you that will be awful so you go down the bottom of the bed um and he's he's free to do what he wants down there just within reason stay away from my eyes with your fur it's good to

get a reminder for all the lists assorted and assembled listeners wherever they are in the world exactly where pete donaldson sits in the donaldson household pecking order right because i'm definitely at the bottom in my house oh yeah i'm i'm lower than the lawn it's got to the point now where yeah it's got to the point now where um i'm slow i'm so low down i could crawl under the carpet with a top hat on that's how low down i am but it's got to the point now one of my cats so i've got two right one's really stupid to the point of where he can't even remember his food bowl is and he meows for food and have to pick him up and put him in front of the food bowl right the other one is quite clever and we've got a routine now which has to be adhered to every single morning since we started lockdown which is that he comes in the morning he has his food then he goes into the bathroom he

jumps up onto the side and he starts pouring or sniffing the tap. You have to turn the tap on so he can have a drink. Once he's finished with that, of course, he's a cat, so he can't turn the tap off. You have to turn it off yourself. He goes into the bedroom. He jumps up on the little bit by the windowsill. You have to open the window for five minutes so he can sit on the outside of the windowsill or he won't shut up. And then he's finished with that he goes onto the foot of the bed and then goes to sleep for a bit and you have to do that every day or your life is a living hell so i could only imagine what an orangutan's routine is like what a way to start a day though having a really um a really perilous kind of like sit on a window still for a bit they always all

summer mate when the windows are open they're out on the windowsills the whole time my friend james james mcinerney right good friend of mine i've seen him for years used to work with him if you're listening james hello jim mcinerney yeah he sounds uh he sounds exactly like john lennon when he speaks which is part of a massive part of the reason i was friends with him yeah but his parents used to own a hotel in ireland right and they had a couple of um cats that lived in the hotel i guess they were probably mice catches or something and um he said they'd spend all their time jumping between the balconies of the hotel sometimes they'd be 10 11 stories up and they never once fell never well i mean you know it's very binary if they've done it.

They never once fell. I said to him, your mum's probably just replacing them every time. You don't realise. Yeah, exactly. Was there a pile of cats on the floor outside the hotel? It could have been your cats, actually. So I can only imagine what a routine would be like. Because do you remember there was a programme back in the day?

I can't remember exactly why but there was some kind of program where there were these two people i think it was in south africa and they were um looking after um endangered animals or i guess providing some kind of um like shelter for animals and they had this hippo but the hippo lived in the house with them right come in the living room and just sit in the living room and it was absolutely gigantic right and i just thought that's gone too far there because they're statistically very dangerous animals and two the house wasn't that big like a prefab um bungalow i'm confused like was it did are you confusing the adverse were they eating moose were they eating strawberry moose no they hit were they the hippopotamuses no they had they had like a big reserve and right they had animals living on the reserve in harmony i imagine in

perfect harmony away from the poachers but i think they what they didn't do is they didn't stop one of the hippos coming into the house, which for me is a mistake, right? And I think the hippo got used to it and it got into a routine. That's the thing, animals, they like a routine. And every night when they'd be sitting down in front of the TV, this big hippo would be in there with them. I'm sure we talked about this before because I think we talked about it when you saw a hippo get hit with a tea tray.

I think it was around that kind of conversation. Interesting. Well, I hope that hippo is still okay and doesn't, you know, stroll around with a suit and tie on. No. Can we talk about something a little bit closer to home? Because I think you're going to like this. It's about Brexit, Pete.

Okay. Do you want to hear about Brexit or are you fed up of it now? It's happened, mate. To be honest, I never thought I'd be that into hearing about Brexit over the top of a pandemic, to be quite frank. No. But do you know what Brexit is? Roughly.

Roughly. I think, do any of us know what it is now? It's kind of more of an elaborate, almost bit of a performance theatre these days. Yeah. Do you see those fish guys? The fish guys. The fishermen have rocked up at the House of Parliament with their fishy wares.

That's going to be, that's going to stink one of them on, isn't it? What'd they say? Again? What'd they say? They just sort of rock, there's just a load of lorries,

fish lorries, outside the House of Parliament. I don't know, I hope they're just going to start dropping fish all over Parliament Square. That would be fricking great. It's mad to me it's mad to me around this has been pointed out before by by cleverer and finer minds than mine of which there are many but it's mad to me how passionate people can get about british fish but not about british people or any people really yeah you tell you tell some

absolute penis in the House of Commons, probably going to be a Tory, that some Frenchman once took a fish, a single fish, out of a British fisherman's net, and they will have a heart attack. You tell that same person that 50 people of various different nationalities sank in the channel in a very very inadequate dinghy they don't give a shit it's mad no it's absolutely mental to me the fish will be british and the fish will be happier yeah as mark said that was on reese mark wasn't it yeah i bet you i'd love to

give him a chinese burn i wouldn't be just just a quick chinese burn because i think it's a language you would understand i'd like to smash his glasses like not like because i know how annoying if anyone picks up my if i leave my glasses down down and i say can you pass me glasses and most people will just grab them by the lens now that boils my piss i mean chronic i mean just pass me them by the legs now i've got to clean those haven't i don't touch the lens of any glasses um whether they're spectacles for seeing with or whether they're sunglasses it annoys me when um people put your sunglasses down lens first down oh you scratch them there there's all sorts of micro fibers going on that are going to scratch

that there and that that puts my teeth on edge but speaking of that pete Pete, my wife and I had a little disagreement the other week and she called me Larry David for it, but I think she's in the wrong, so maybe you can rule. I kind of know which way this is going to go. I'm glad this show's descended to airing grievances from relationships. Well, I'm getting more and more like Larry David every week, so I've been getting used to it. So my wife says I've got a reputation of being bad with sunglasses,

as in losing them, not looking after them etc which you know probably is true and i'm sure that many people listening will recognize that kind of behavior right some people i know refuse to buy expensive sunglasses because they last about five minutes i know that but when my wife was going for the list of sunglasses that i had um lost or not looked after she included the pair of sunglasses that were in the backpack that I had stolen, right? And I was saying that shouldn't count in the list because that's not my fault, right? She was saying, no, but it's part of a wider pattern.

Yeah, I think it fleshes out the character. If you want to see it stricken for the record, fine. That's up to you as a defence. But I think that's a character statement as a defense but i think it i think that's a character statement for me i mean that's pathetic by you you just get a meaning you are she's a battalion extraction as you said before she beat me up um the uh yeah i do sort of think that that if someone was coming to this show the way that you speak about me and I speak about you, they would sort of go, well, Pete's probably the one who's lost a computer,

a mobile phone in recent times. And it's not. It's actually Luke Moore who's lost all of those things. So I would say, yeah, you're more a victim of crime than careless, I would say, though. It's got to the point. People want to hurt you. more a victim of crime than careless i would say though it's got it's got to the point people want to hurt you it's part of it is part of a kind of wider narrative like these days it does take me

much longer to leave the house because it takes me ages to work out what i need to take with me and whether i've got it especially when you've got to factor in things like masks and everything now the amount of times the amount of times now i've gone for a run because that's the only thing you can do go for a walk or a run, and Mimi said, oh, get something from the shop on the way back. And I've remembered my mask, and I've remembered my phone so I can listen to music or a podcast when I'm running, and I've forgotten my debit card.

So I get into the shop, do all the shopping with my mask on, get to the till, and I've got no debit card, and I have to put everything back, because I used to work in the supermarket and I don't like it when people don't put things back. I think we've talked about that before as well. Could you not just have the basket and just sort of type that cord in into the till and I'll come back and get it in a bit? No, because I'm not going to go home and then come all the way back again.

I'm just going to have to just write it off. Just have beans on toast for dinner. I do think that I find myself about to walk into a shop, realise I haven't got a mask with me, and I have to do, if I'm wearing a scarf or if I'm wearing a jumper, I'll sort of wrap it around my head and put my arm over my face. What can you do? Is that a loophole? Well, I mean, what is a mask effect?

If you just wrap your whole face in jumper covering your nose and your mouth, I mean, that's probably better than a flimsy bit of cloth, surely. And if you've got your arm over it, like you're doing that joke about how do you ask an elephant for a bun? Or how does an elephant ask for a bun? Like, that's fine. I think that's fine. You look like an idiot Like, that's fine. I think that's fine. You look like an idiot, but it's fine.

I don't think you can do that. I think that shouldn't be exploitable as a loophole. I think if you've got no mask, you should do a decent thing and go home. Right, okay. Oh, well, you know. Anyway. I mean, some of these masks haven't been washed for about six months, Luke. Some people just have one mask.

It's disgusting. Yeah, that's not great. It's also not great to what i need to do is actually plan my shopping trip separately because when you've just been doing some exercise if you're as unfit as i am you you don't get your breath back for a wee while and you don't want to be putting your mask on there because it's like it's quite difficult right okay yeah yeah yeah yeah interesting well anyway i, and if you don't wear a mask, you might be confused with Lawrence Fox, who's got a little...

Since you raised it, that is a constant thorn in my side. The only difference being that he's skinnier than me and a bit older. He's starting to look a little... I think he's... I mean, he's not well in the head, but he's lost a bit of weight, I think, probably through worry about his career and the things he's not well in the head but he's lost a bit of weight I think probably through worry about his career and the things he said all of which are deserved and valid

and the checks have dried up so I think he looks somebody made the point that he's starting to look a little bit like a rat a cartoon rat that's been turned into a human he looks like Tommy Tippy I mean at first glance I was like when you first just said that then I was like that's really turned into a human he looks like tommy tippy i mean at first glance i was like when you first just said that then i was like that's really harsh and then i was like oh

yeah i can't see it but the thing about that is right we have to go for a break in a minute but very very very briefly like this is the thing your lawrence foxes your toby youngs your julia hartley brewers these people right if you look it properly, they don't actually have a political position on anything. Like, they're not arguing the other side of a political debate. They're basically just after attention, right? So the very idea that, like, Toby Young could be an expert in epidemiology or virology

or what the best thing to do is in the case of a pandemic is, and I'm going to choose my words carefully here, a fucking joke, right? And that man is a fucking cunt, right? Well, he talks about eugenics and stuff. He on more than one occasion, has said that low value or low income families should have access to better genetic cord, effectively. I'm fairly certain. I'm not paraphrasing.

Are you just saying things, Toby? Have you just run out of things to say in your privileged mess of a life that you're just making things up as you go along now. I mean, that seems to be about what he's saying. And it's like, really, mate? Because you aren't a specimen, really, are you? You've got no hair, mate, for one. Yeah.

And also, Peter, you see there was a guy last week, a chap called Lord Sumption, who tried to clear up. So someone accused him of saying that people who had stage four cancers lives weren't of value right and it was all part of a live discussion program on the bbc and it was done in the context of um it might have been itv actually but anyway some terrestrial tv show excuse me and it was done in the context of um shielding right of the fact that you, people need to shield if they are in stage four cancer, sadly,

because obviously they're very vulnerable to COVID. And he was accused of it on live TV. And the way he cleared it up was he went, no, no, I didn't say they weren't of value. I said they were less valuable. Thanks very much. Thanks for that. Was it Nicky Campbell who was sort of like, sorry.

Yeah, Nicky Campbell, yeah. Yeah, because Nicky Campbell, because the woman was on a live video link. Yeah, she cut in, didn't she? She was like, that's a news line there. That's a big thing to say. And I think you didn't hear that and you need to react to it. And she was so, I don't think she had the kind of like the gravity of what that man had said. She didn't process it, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Another human being has said your life isn't worth as much as his, and he's meant it. Speaking of Nicky Campbell, I have to single him out for particular praise because I once had an encounter with Nicky Campbell that wasn't positive. It wasn't – not in a kind of serious way or anything, but just like he exhibited a certain amount of behavior. And someone asked me about it on Twitter. And so I just replied saying, oh, this is what happened.

And you can find it. It's not massively exciting. And he saw my tweet and he, I don't know, he must have just been searching for his name or something. I don't know why, but this is years ago when people probably did that a bit more on Twitter. And he sought me out and he tweeted me and he said, I don't remember the incident,

but I was probably having a bad day and I tried to be as polite and as respectful as I can. So I'm really sorry about that. And I hope you won't hold it against me. And I was like, all right, no worries. That's really nice. What a nice fellow. Yeah.

That's turned a negative into two positives, in my opinion. Exactly. But, I mean, not as far as the Lord Sumption thing is concerned. He needs to have a look at himself. Let's have a break, Peter. When we come back after the break, we will do a couple of emails. And I have to say, I know that it's been up and down recently, but we've had some absolute belters this week.

And so we should embark upon reading them as soon as we come out the other side of this ad break. This week at Sukarnov. Me and Luke have been whiling away the lockdown with our usual nonsense on the Luke and Pete show. Here's a quick taste of the kind of challenges we've been setting for ourselves. Give us any national and I'll tell you why they're dirty.

All right, I'll do it now. Italy. Italy looks like a sexy boo. There's also a brand new episode of On the Continent, your weekly guide to the sublime and frequently ridiculous in European football. Find it over on Football Ramble Presents every Thursday. Neymar's responded to this in kind, that they forgot to tell you how to win titles.

Then Alvaro has responded with a picture of Pelé to this in kind that they forgot to tell you how to win titles. Then, Alvaro has responded with a picture of Pelé with three World Cups going in the eternal shadow of the king. This reminds me of

Stormzy and Wiley. All that and a whole lot more at Stakhanov. And as a car hurtles past my road, which you possibly hear, possibly not, this is the Luke and Pete show.

I couldn't hear it. Oh, well, never mind. Well, you said there was a man having a really loud conversation next to your house. You could hear someone else, and we said we couldn't hear it. So we're all right. We're all right.

It's a good story, Pete. Nice one, mate. If I had any self-respect, I would start that part of the show again. But it's just been a long day, to be honest. It's been a long day. I think that ship has sailed. I think it's sailed. Listen, helloatlukeandpete.com is the email address to to get in touch and you've done so in your droves this week probably because there's a pandemic on

and you literally quite literally cannot leave the house um sean from whitley bay has got in touch now i feel like he is a regular contributor pete is that right sounds all right hmm do you want to expand on that so i can have a drink of water He is a regular contributor, Pete. Is that right? Sounds about right. Hmm. Do you want to expand on that so I can have a drink of water? I thought you were launching into the message to be quite rank. Thank you very much. I am now.

He says, all right, my little lovelies. On Monday's show last week, Luke asserted that the RAF, the Royal Air Force, are the campus of the armed forces. Do you remember that, Pete? I do, yes. I think I was thinking about the uniforms, the RAF, the Royal Air Force, are the campus of the armed forces. Do you remember that, Pete? I do, yes. I think I was thinking about the uniforms, the mustaches, the clipped kind of way of speaking. Yeah. He says, Luke, I know you're from a naval town,

so this may come as a shock, but the campus force is clearly the Navy. Exhibit A, those delightful outfits, complete with bell bottoms neckerchiefs and those adorable daft little hats exhibit B the existence of camp disco classic in the navy by the village people

correct exhibit C the phrase hello sailor said in a Larry Grayson voice that was frequently used on TV in the 70s and the 80s the RAF might be full of fancy dads and posh boys with accents as clipped as their neat mustaches,

but the Navy wins hands down for camp aesthetic. Even that lad from the advert that was born in Blythe but made in the Royal Navy would have to admit that. Much love, Sean from Whitley Bay. And Pete, before I bring you in, I'm going to have to say Sean makes a very compelling case. It's lovely to hear about the I was born in Blythe Royal Navy advert because I think I once went for that advert

and obviously didn't get the voiceover because I'm not from Blythe. What? Expand on that. I think I went for the, actually, it was either Blythe or Carlisle. I think it might have been Carlisle because Carlisle people kind of speak the same as people from Teesside. It's a really weird quirk. We have the same vernacular and kind of...

I don't even know where Blythe is. Blythe's sort of up north of Newcastle, I do believe. Blythe Spartans. Yeah, I know the name of the football team. Yeah, well, that's all you need isn't it football helps you if you're going to rank the

so I think in America they include the Coast Guard as a service as well but I don't think we do here so yeah I think it's probably just part of the Navy here

or the Merchant Navy or something but if you were going to rank the British services in order of campness what are you saying? Firemen. That's not a service.

I mean the armed forces. Well, what? So if you can have Coast Guard, I mean, like, you know. I don't think we can have the Coast Guard in the UK. I think you can just have Navy, RAF and Army, I think. Well, then you're narrowing our choices, aren't you? I mean, the Army's so kind of like, there's different kinds, isn't there? Hanging out in a big tank with someone else.

I don't know. Like, just waiting in a tank for ages. Is that particularly camp? I don't really know. Depends who's in there with you, I think. Putting camouflage makeup on and hiding in a sewer, like in the adverts. I'm just going off the adverts. Tank, sewer.

That's the Marines. That's not even the Army. It's the Marines as well. Can I just say, sitting in a tank, minding your own business, with your head poking at the top, having a look around, perhaps doing a crossword, not camp. Being in a tank with the lid closed, putting makeup on with Freddie Mercury, camp. Being in a tank with the lid closed, putting makeup on with Freddie Mercury, camp.

Right. What if you're in a... Right. Remember the video for Ready or Not by the Fugees? They're in a tank, right? The three of them in a tank. Is it Praz? Who's the guy?

Who was in the Fugees? It was... Praz Michelle, you're thinking of, or Wyclef, maybe? Are they both... I know Wyclef was. Was Praz in the Fugees? It was... Pras Michelle, you're thinking of, or Wyclef, maybe? Are they both... I know Wyclef was. Was Pras in the Fugees? I don't actually know. Either way, three of them are in the tank.

What if the lady Fuji leaves? Yeah. And one of them's got a feather duster. Why would he have a feather duster? If she leaves... I'm just saying, did a bit of tidying up, did a bit of dusting. They need dusting. They're tanks, they still need to be dusted. If she leaves, does it get camper?

I don't know, I just don't know. I just think you would be able to cut the atmosphere with a knife. All right, okay, in a tank, your head poking at the top, and you go to fire your gun, when you pull the trigger a little feather duster pokes out the end. More camp. And it goes like that. More camp. I think any

service is a little bit camp, a little bit macho and we salute our brave boys. What about fire? You said the fire service. What were you going to say about the fire service? Just lifting people around, isn't it? And they've got a pole.

And helmets. And they've got a pole. For dancing. And they spray a hose. Exactly. Exactly. All right. Anyway,

I hope we cleared that up for you, Sean. Peter, have you got an email lined up there? I've got an email lined up there. Let me just go into it. I haven't actually. Well,

I did have. It's not lined up, is it? Yeah, I'll press on. who do you think's more camp at you and me i would say you uh no because no because there's because i'm there's you can only be camp if you are also macho at the same time like i but i don't have a macho bone in my body so my direction is macho-ness your direction is campness um Hello to David, Pilot Dave. Denver airport and parachutes on passenger jets. Pilot Dave here. I just want to cover a few topics talked about over the last month or so.

The Denver bit's really long. I'll get to it in a bit. But the second topic is that parachutes for passengers on commercial jets, as you quite rightly theorize, this would cause issues. What if the aircraft was spinning out of control? The G-force would make it almost impossible for people to bail out, which is an issue that bomber pilots had during the war, and one reason why fast jets have ejector seats.

Secondly, the regulation is to be able to evacuate a passenger jet on the ground in 90 seconds with only half the exit available. If you had this amount of time to evacuate an aircraft that is flying straight and level, you'd be right to assume that in most circumstances, the aircraft would have a good chance of a safe and successful landing. That's a really good point. So just say that again, just to clear that up for me again. So if you basically, the regulation for usual disembarking in an emergency of a passenger jet is, know it's it's measured on the ground within 90 seconds if only the half half the exits are available but if you had 90 seconds uh you

know level like a like an aircraft that's flying straight you'd be right to assume that in most circumstances the aircraft would have a good chance of a safe and successful landing oh so you can do that anyway you might just land the thing exactly yeah yeah if you're over water i mean chances are you're probably not gonna have the life jackets oh yeah if you if it's not um graded for if you weren't planning on flying over a body of water you probably wouldn't have the it's just like that's what i'm with it with the miracle in the hudson isn't it because they they just so happen to have a load of life vests on board. The video of that guy, of the

pilot, what's his name, James Sullenberger, is unbelievable. At one point he just goes, nah, that's not happening, we're going in the Hudson. Just like that. He decides it in like a second. Do you want to go to Teterborough? Nah. He turned off

this, he did this setting really early on which i was watching a video about it quite recently and uh and he did this he pressed a button that was very very clever and he managed to get everything kind of squared away in his mind very very quickly uh and just as he was coming into land uh while the co-pilot was trying who hadn't been trained really very much on on this kind of plane he was he was he was a boeing trained really very much on on this kind of plane he was he was he was a boeing pilot and that was a uh another kind of plane i think i can't remember but um but he was like trying to get the engines fired up again uh going through all the checklists and stuff but all the checklists were based on like planes that are already like really high in

the sky but they hadn't really got that much they hadn't really got that much uh that much height elevation before the bird strike, obviously. And yeah, and apparently a few seconds before splashdown, he turned to his co-pilot and went, any ideas? Which is so, like, the best pilots are the ones with no egos at all. And he just went, any ideas? He goes, nope. All right, then. You're going down, Chris.

See you later. What a dude. It's amazing. What a dude. It's an amazing story. Amazing story. We've got loads more emails about parachuting, but I think, sadly, we've run out of time today,

so we're going to have to get to those on Thursday. But thank you very much for sending all your emails in. We will get through as many of them as possible, starting with our second episode of the week, which will be on Thursday. So, Peter, let's get out of here. Thank you very much, everyone, for listening. It's been fantastic to have your company as ever.

I hope you're staying safe in the lockdown. Make sure you stay at home. Make sure you do your bit. And we'll be through this an awful lot quicker, won't we, Peter? We will. If it's getting a bit boring at home, get an orangutan.

Get an orangutan. Get one. Or just dress up like one. Yeah. Very nice. Very nice. Good idea. We'll see you on Thursday.

Thank you very much again for listening and for your company. And stay safe. We'll see you soon. This was a Stakhanov production and part of the ACAST Creative Network.