The Luke and Pete Show - Catspiracy

Episode Date: June 26, 2023

We still haven’t given up on the attempt to create our own conspiracy theory. Today, Luke reveals he’s been studying old conspiracies for inspiration.Once we hear about that, Luke then tells us about how his cat jumped out of a 15-foot window and Pete tells us about the latest food purchase that has upset his stomach.Want to get in touch with the show? Email: [e-mail] or you can get in touch on Twitter or Instagram: @lukeandpeteshow.We're also now on Tiktok! Follow us @thelukeandpeteshow. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's the Luke O'Page Show! show on Thursday we mentioned that producer Rory was heading to Glastonbury we are recording this show pre Glastonbury for Little Rory so I would like to as suggested by Luke make this edit super impossible to upload really let's all do some libels let's all do some libels

let's do some stuff so we're recording this on the day where that I mean it literally looks like a fucking canister has gone down to see the Titanic and it's gone missing. Nobody can see it. Nobody can find it.

Let's not do that, people. By the time this comes out, something would have happened. Well, that's what I mean. We'll record two, maybe three... I was only joking about making it half a Rory. You were actually making it

half a Rory. All right, okay. It was fine. You can cut that in, Rory. I'm sorry to hear what happened. All the middle ground is, capture comes up, capture comes up,

and it's problems, right? Okay, they're the three things. People are very big. I would say that when things like this happen, when rich people do stuff, people are very unkind about people. And I think we should move on from that, to be honest. Yeah, and I, when rich people do stuff. People are very unkind about people. And I think we should move on from that, to be honest.

Yeah, and there's nothing kinder than speculation asking people to edit in the potential outcomes of their loved ones that are available for a long time. I mean, they're not going to be listening to this if they've got any money about them. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. It's about how you're seen in public. Okay, all right, well, fine.

I had a really good idea to start the show. We'll start the show. You want to start the show. I want to talk about the people in the canister. Carry on. Don't call them that. Stop calling them that. I'm not calling them that.

Just go. Submariners. They're submariners. Submariners. Yeah. About as sub as it gets. Go on. Carry on. Start the show properly. Well, on Thursday. Yeah. About as sub as it gets. Go on. Carry on.

Start the show. Well, on Thursday. Right. We talked a bit about conspiracy theories. Right. And you wanted to come up with one that was a little bit harmless, but fun. And you talked about the idea that the giraffes might be all of them might be homosexual. Yeah.

And they only actually sustain themselves as a species. For a laugh. Yeah. Just for a laugh. Yeah, just for a laugh. Yeah, something a bit different. Hence the phrase, are you having a giraffe? Yes. Right? Are you doing something out of the ordinary to what you want to do?

Long, slender necks, haven't they, as well? Exactly, yes. Like a nuzzle. The good news is, Peter, I've got a list of conspiracy theories here. Any of them are giraffes? And they're separated out into sections. Okay. And I'm going to read you the sections,

and I want you to choose one from the section. I want the hooved animal section. I want you to choose a section, and then we'll talk about a couple of them from that section. Now, I would respectfully ask that you don't choose the ethnicity, race, and religion section. Come on, Moa. Let me have some fun, mate.

That is problematic. That is problematic. Other than that, you've got one of the following. Aviation, business and industry, deaths and disappearances, economics and society. That could be problematic as well. Deaths and disappearances could be problematic.

Depends on how recent they go, for crying out loud. Fandom, celebrity relationships and government politics, medicine, outer space, science and technology, and sports. Okay. Can I have disappearances? But let's do an old one. Okay. I'm not talking about Maddy.

Come on, Karen. Just... So what about the death of the Roman Emperor Nero? Okay, what happened to him? I just don't think this is going to get people clicking on TikTok, Luke. I need something a bit more sexy, a bit more spicy. If we stumble upon somehow a descendant of Nero who gets offended, that's on them.

Yeah, exactly. Apparently, in ancient times, I think this is an interesting one, chiefly because it shows you just how prone human beings are to conspiracies. It's quite tempting to think, oh, because of the internet, conspiracies are all over the place now. Well, actually, 68 AD,

Roman Emperor Nero took his own life, right? Even at the time, widespread conspiracy theories were circulating saying that he actually faked his own life, right? Even at the time, widespread conspiracy theories were circulating saying that he actually faked his own death and was secretly alive in hiding, plotting to return and re-establish his reign. In most of the stories, he was said to have fled to the east

where he was loved and admired. And then as an extension of that, some theories held that Nero was actually dead, but he would returned from the dead to retake his throne. And a lot of Christians believed in those early conspiracy theories and feared it because Nero had

basically persecuted Christians. So it's happened a long, long time ago. So it's been going since God was a boy, really. I mean mean that's one that's one in the eye for the christians isn't it but if someone's coming back to life and it's not god it's not jesus it's uh it's nero who who personally can i potentially open a controversial

can of worms here and say that what's often left out from the jesus story who you famously forgot how he died by the way i did yeah um uh he only came back to life for a bit yeah well that lady who came back to life in that coffin in was she in peru or somewhere it was quite a recent story where somebody kind of came uh was found in a coffin having a having a real terrible time um yeah she came back to um came back to life and then um and then died and then but she is dead now. But I just think that if you came to the Christian story or myth or whatever you want to call it, completely dry, and people were saying, the good thing about Jesus was

he came back from the dead, eternal life and all the rest of it, and they very much lean into the eternal life thing. So I'd be thinking, all right, is he still knocking about now then? Nah. He's not? No one's seen him? No, exactly, yes. He was only be thinking, all right, is he still knocking about now then? Nah. He's not? No one's seen him? No, exactly, yes. He was only out for a bit,

wasn't he? Yeah, and then he disappeared and now, where's he up to? Anyway, so on the kind of conspiracy theory around deaths and disappearances,

have you seen my cat? Well, I saw there was like a tail flashed behind your chair earlier and I thought, have you got a little tail? Have you become a furry?

But no, it was one of your cats running around. By the way, this cat here that you are actually looking at right now, and I understand this is an audio feature. There he is. There he is. Just to divert myself slightly from the deaths and disappearances, conspiracy theory part of the show. No word of a lie.

Literally last night, I'm up on the night feed and um this is going to sound mental but i promise you exactly this happened we're on the first floor we're the first floor flat right so for those of us in the u.s that's the second floor they call it different fine so we're on the first floor and we're on a hill. So you're probably talking about 15 to 20 feet up is our living room. And outside the front of the house is an overgrown garden full of bushes because the downstairs owner hasn't sorted it out. So anyway, that's the context. It's a warm night.

The windows are open. My wife's in bed. I'm about to feed the boy. So I go out into the kitchen and get some milk, come back in. And as I come back in, he vomits, right? Because the baby's vomiting just happens. Magnus, the cat, was sat on the footstool next to his basket, got so freaked out by seeing the baby vomit,

because he doesn't really understand the baby at this point anyway. He jumped up onto the windowsill and just jumped out of the window well that's one way to deal with it 15 feet up it was basically like that scene in the exorcist where the priest takes the devil from regan and chucks himself out the window and and i had to wake up my wife and say you're not going to believe what's happened here but can you choose whether you want to clean up after the baby's sick or you want to go out into the street at 1am and find our cat who may have four broken legs right yeah so which one which one did you i guess you can't do she chose the baby yeah okay right i went outside magnus was absolutely fine legged it about 100 meters off i could never get him back and i

came in and said look i don't know where he's gone and then he just turned up this morning perfectly fine so anyway you worry about well that's the last thing you need on a night feed no anyway so came in and said, look, I don't know where he's gone. And then they just turned up this morning perfectly fine. So anyway. I didn't know what you were worried about. Well, that's the last thing you need on a night feed. No. Anyway, so on the conspiracy theory deaths thing, what I do genuinely find very interesting is if anyone dies of any prominence who is loved for whatever reason,

there appears to be some kind of conspiracy theory about it. It's the human condition, isn't it? there appears to be some kind of conspiracy theory about it. Yes. It's the human condition, isn't it? The list of people who've died, who are prominent, who've had a conspiracy theory about them, is basically just a list of famous people who've died. But it's mainly just heart problems from COVID vaccines, isn't it? I mean, these days, it's all that conspiracy theory, isn't it?

Oh, Abraham Lincoln, for example. Well, yeah, probably. What are you talking about? No, I'm saying like... It goes way back. As in, like, I'm talking about, like, now, like, whenever somebody dies.

I think I mean now, like, whenever somebody dies... I know he got hit by a truck, but he had the vaccine the day before. Exactly. Yeah. Exactly. Well, then Joe Rogan will just put that out.

Yeah. Well, there was actually an anti-vax movement rallying around you know I want to start a conspiracy theory about giraffes the anti-vax movement

did I did have a little google rallies around giraffe deaths three giraffes at the Dallas Zoo died after receiving the COVID-19 vaccine

that's been made up is it well no I mean it's made the Dallas Zoo died after receiving the COVID-19 vaccine. That's been made up, is it? Well, no, I mean, it's obviously made up, but I mean, back in 2000, well, back in 2021, yeah, the first death which occurred in October, the zoo had to euthanise a three-month-old giraffe named Marikani due to a catastrophic injury to one of its legs. And basically, the COVID-19 anti-vaxxers giraffe named Maracani due to a catastrophic injury to one of its legs and basically the

COVID-19 anti-vaxxers got all ramped up and they basically said that they were, it was because they vaccinated the giraffes against COVID-19. Why are they so into it? Why are they tacked on to the COVID thing so much? Is it because it's so so prevalent? Yeah I don't know they're probably just excited about not not having the magazine did you see about the tisier hawking cbd gummies the other day good stuff there's nothing in them is there i mean the big conspiracy theory is there's no actual you know he did the old classic in there he did the old classic oh you know i know that i've been cynical about this that and the other over the last year or two and And I was cynical about CBD gummies, by the way. Oh, suddenly.

But look at this. Mmm, delicious. And then got pulled up by Twitter standards by saying that you had to say it was an ad. Yes, good stuff. So I do a lot of follow-up tweets saying this is an advert, actually, by the way. But I would still use them anyway. But I quite like the idea of a, I'd like to be present in a meeting room when a company with a public-facing product has a meeting about like to be present in a meeting room when a company with a public facing product

yeah has a meeting about how to market their product and someone for the first time she goes we could do matt letizia you can endorse it yeah exactly and every for some reason everyone goes yeah yeah i mean what can i mean how much is he getting paid because who's paying who who knows who matt letizia is who is paying any amount of money to get him to advertise any of their products so um johnny did you do the um did you do the list of targets for um potential endorsement of the products yeah based around our brand values yeah who stopped your list um but that's it joe rogan he won't do it can't afford it Matt Atissier

yeah yeah and also Matt Atissier looks like his mum still does his bowl haircut as well and he only ever

wears golf clothes and all he does is rant about the new world order well I think he's kind of like how's he getting endorsement deals

and we're not is what I'm saying in comparison to I've just been editing a spot on episode where the script goes that But I think he's kind of like... How's he getting endorsement deals when we're not, is what I'm saying. In comparison to... I've just been editing a Sports On episode where the script goes that they're at a summer fete. Matt Letizia is baking a cake and one of the hosts is eating the slice of cake.

He doesn't believe in flour, so it's quite thin. He says he doesn't believe in flour because the government crushes spiders into it and he refused to wash his hands before making it because germs are a myth invented by bill gates that's not necessarily the sort of thing that he would believe right now but certainly ricky lambert um celebrates is he has turned into the uber matt letizia he's gone like absolutely he's even madder than matt letizia you're talking about um someone who, in me, that downloaded the Getter app just so I could watch

the debate conversation between Matt Letizia and Ricky Lambert. And it was amazing because at that point, when it happened a year or so ago, Letizia was the core celebrity of the conspiracy theorist movement. Yeah. The second half of the chat was Letizia trying to reign Lambert in.

Lambert went fully off the reservation. He was like, he was like moon bases and aliens coming down. And if you literally knew the new world order coming by tomorrow morning, he was, he was like properly out there to the point where Letizia was trying to be as reasonable as possible. But it's like,

it's kind of, but with those kinds of guys and very much like, remember when um kanye west went on the uh that show um the old frogs are turning the frogs gear yeah alex jones and not the one show not the american and and they have like the um and and and within 10 seconds someone mentions the jews always goes back to that yeah america used to talk about that in such euphemistic terms and it still does on the right and actually another one which is a little bit closer to the line and pretty much obvious to anyone with a brain in their head is the old george soros thing right yes yeah famously

jewish hungarian jew you know done all these amazing things in the world and he's the one who's just they just rather than just say we think jewish people are this they'll say george soros this yes and then they'll say oh no we're not talking about Jewish people we're just talking about George Soros that's kind of how it works I don't know where this all ends really I find it really kind of

quite baffling that on one hand you would there's another footballer whose name I can't remember David Cotterell is another one Ricky Lambert

and Matt Atisny now David Cotterell played for Portsmouth for a short time so there's two so there's two, there's around two, one up on the conspiracy theories at the moment. But I guess maybe it's just the case that you've got a million,

like loads of famous footballers. And I guess a handful of them are going to be mad. Yeah. So it's not necessarily much to read into. Well, it's a lot, people have got a lot of time on their hands, isn't it? Well,

it's also the fact that I do think that having, having witnessed this kind of stuff firsthand and been around these people not that much but a little bit here and there they are living a kind of life where everyone just says yeah great to everything yes oh you don't want to do that you don't have to oh yeah you're brilliant yeah they're told that so often i think they just go off completely off the fucking flywheel and and nobody really notices when they're being mad because as long as they're doing the job in, in the football sense, they're doing the job on the field. No.

And, and they hang out with people who have no interest outside interests apart from cars and partying. And also, and also in Leticia's case, he's basically for professionally at the time was surrounded by a load of old white men of the same age as him. Really? Yeah.

He would probably think, Oh, I don't personally believe that. and he loves a bit of all that but I'm not going to get involved kind of thing should we have a break? alright fine it's the look of picture we're back how are you doing you alright? good

stay in school it's Pete Luke and we are we're going to be doing some emails because we haven't done some emails for a little while and we do appreciate it when people get involved on the email hellotelukepeachshow.com if you'd like to get in touch Luke have you got an email for us?

yeah I've got a couple of things I've got a first of all I've got a tweet from Shmoopty on Twitter he says I tried to get my workmates into Luke and Pete show and the first bit they heard

was about airport security and the man getting caught with a sounding kit yeah and now I'm the even weirder guy at work thanks lads they'll all be at home popping, drinking straws down there. Willies. We all

know how this goes. Which is available as a Patreon special. It's Pete. Andrew's been in touch on the email and he wants to follow up on the Beatles coffee puns. Last week we tried to think off the top of our head of a lot of Beatles coffee puns, couldn't think

of any, Andrew's got a few I'll let him pick up the story, he says hi guys, I've got a lot of free time as I'm waiting for the birth of our baby boy any day now and it's also a great opportunity to practice some dad jokes, so here's what I've come up with, while my coffee gently steeps

okay, yeah, it's not bad yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Eleanor Rigbean. Not good. That one wasn't good. The Long and Winding Roast. That's better. I think that's up there with one of my favourites, I would say, yeah.

Latte It Bean. Yes. Could be Latte It Bean, I guess. Latte It Bean, yeah. Yellow Coffee Bean. We all live in a Yellow Coffee Bean. Yellow Coffee Bean. Less good, less good.

Abbey Roast, which is basically a rehash of the Love of Wine roast. I feel Medium Fine Grain. That's one for the coffee heads. I've never heard of Medium Fine. Yeah, that's above my head. I think that's it. So he's come up with... Andrew, thank you for making the Luke and Pete show considerably worse.

Worse. So he's come up with... So if you think of the Beatles as the most famous band of all time, and he's come up with seven there, and one of them was a rehash of another one. So I'll give him six. It's surprising how little there are. Yes.

Fair. Fair. I think. Anyway, you pick up the emails. Go for it. All right. We got one from Nikhil.

Hello, Nikhil. Hello, guys. I was listening through to old Lugabit Show episodes, and in episode 167 back in 2019, you talked about ding-dong ditching, which is what we called ringing someone's doorbell and running away. I thought I'd retroactively add to that.

I grew up in Bangalore, India, in an apartment complex. One day, many years ago, me and my friend realised the comedic potential of the housing layout of our apartment buildings. The houses are built opposite to each other, meaning the front doors face each other. So we rang the doorbells of the two houses facing each other at the same time, then ran up to the next floor and listened to what ensued. Sound travels very well in those buildings because they're quite hollow. The result was hilarious.

It was a very confused conversation about who rang whose doorbell. It transitioned into a small accusatory argument and then it ended awkwardly. was hilarious. It was a very confused conversation about who rang whose doorbell. It transitioned into a small accusatory argument and then it ended awkwardly. It's a nice little gag that.

That's lovely stuff isn't it? We tried it again. Did you ever sort of hear when like the one guy just got, did he ring up

two Chinese restaurants and like hooked them up together and they were just shouting at each other. Absolute classic stuff. Yeah, the result was hilarious. We tried it again in another building,

and that also led to a confused conversation in English. They then transitioned into a loud and explosive argument in Kanada, or Canada, rather, the local language. Kanada? I don't know. It's got a heavy N, hasn't it? Two Ns. Kanada.

Kanada? Kanada. Yeah, I don't know. It's got a heavy N, hasn't it? Two Ns. Canada. Canada. Canada. Yeah, I don't know. Canada, I guess. It's in danger of being confused with the country, that's all. We're not saying Canada. I said Canada the second time. That's probably closer, I suppose.

The local language. Lots of name-calling that ended with some threats and both stores being shut very loudly. These people are neighbours. That's the worst thing. Me and my friend were in tears at this point and decided to try another pair of houses. That's the worst thing. Me and my friend were in tears at this point and decided to try another pair of houses.

That one led to such a violent argument that our amusement turned into fear of being found out. We made those two people so angry. We never did it again

but I always remember them killing each other. The hilarity of it. Hope this brings us smartly ours and the listeners' faces. It did, Nick Hill. That was absolutely

cracking stuff and apologies for mangling the word. Canada. Canada. I had a little bit of ding dong ditch played on me on the listeners' faces. It did, Nick Hill. That was absolutely cracking stuff. And apologies for mangling the word. Kanada. Kanada. I had a little bit of ding-dong ditch played on me about three weeks ago. Did you?

Yes. Newborn baby in my arms. I'd been to bed all night. Just what I needed. Yes, lovely stuff. Look, if you can't dish it out, you can't take it, et cetera. Well, I'm not doing it now in my street.

I suppose I've just got this payback from when I was a kid exactly yeah this was probably about a 10 year old boy and girl obviously brother pals or brother

and sister or whatever I've never seen them before I remember I must have been visiting relatives or something but they kept ringing the doorbell and then obviously

classically the fourth time they did it I was just waiting and opened it straight away and the boy just looked at me and went

can I see your cat? and I was like oh is that why you're ringing the doorbell? yeah he's like no you can't I'm afraid I've got a baby

oh okay so bye that was the first thing he came up with fair I like that I don't mind that at all really I might not have even had a cat

for all he knew good point actually yeah it's good to see your cat let's finish with an email from a good point, actually. Yeah, it's good to kind of see your cat. Let's finish with an email from Lewis who says, Hi, guys. After listening to today's pod, you said, this is probably a while back now,

you said celebrities are scared of missing out on the George Foreman money and talked about Mo Farah having his own batteries. Well, in the shop B&M, he also has Mo Farah protein shaker, egg cooker, steamer, and blender in his range, photo attached. So I didn't know that Mo Farah had a big endorsement thing going on. Yeah, he seems to have...

Did we speak about this before? I guess like the kind of people who missed out on the George Foreman grill. They want to put their stuff all over some quite cheap looking electronics. I mean, each item is like 20 quid maximum, They want to put their stuff all over some quite cheap-looking electronics. I mean, each item is like 20 quid maximum, 13 quid. Like, is it an egg cooker?

What does it do? Cook an egg? Very, very weird. I guess so, but do we absolutely know that MoHealth is a MoFarrah company? It is, right? They wouldn't put MoFarrah's face on the front of it and call it MoHealth. But I can't see his face on any of them. You can. I can see it's clearly Mo Farah, I think.

And he's got Mo Farah written on his chest. He's wearing his own T-shirt saying Mo Farah. It's good stuff. Pete, if you're interested, this might tip the scales in your favour, he also does an air fryer. Oh, I mean, look, if most of your products are in the 10 quid to 20 quid range, I don't want to know about your air fryer, to be honest. How are you getting on with your air fryer? Are you still in love with it?

Still in love with it, yeah. I bought some ramen off the internet. I bought this basically meal kit where they just send the soup, the noodles, and a little bit of veg and some pork to your house and they put it in a big they put it, say again veg, little bit of noodles, some pork some beautiful

tonkatsu ramen it's got everything in there and I was like, because I thought I actually manifested it, I said someone's got to make ramen freeze it, send it out then i eat it they've got to do that and they do do that but once it when it got to my house it was a little bit on the warm side it was a very warm day i don't think it'd been packaged particularly well what's the company name and shame them um i don't know where it might do something or other but um but it was a bit warm and when i ate it i did do some poos some some some stinkiness uh which which my

partner didn't need she didn't need it heard it on the show if she ever need it but it i could have you know directly sort of um uh equated it to to these uh to these ramen boxes and it was um it was kind of upsetting because they were quite expensive but can I how much are you how much are you dropping on them I dropped a fair whack

I had four of them and they were cracking on for like 60 60 quid or something they were pricey and that is pricey do I sort of

do I say to them do I email them go you made me fart like what do I do yeah do that like how do I definitely just do that

do that why do I do how do I get out a hello fresh customer and i'm um i'm pretty happy as a hello fresh customer and that's half the price of that yeah 34 quid i think for hello fresh for a week yeah uncle uncle roger was involved in some of the advertising for it i'm not having that hello fresh well no not hello The ramen company I used. Do you know what? They got a recipe for a prawn risotto. A Cajun prawn risotto. Nice.

And it's one of the best meals I've ever had. Right. It's very, very good. In your house. They're a very, very good company. Good stuff. Anyway, that's really boring, so let's get out of here. Let's wrap up. Rory we're sorry about that. Sorry about that Rory. Hopefully you get it done before you go to Glastonbury. Get yourself some ramen. Rory deserves

everything he gets because he's so young and trendy. He's actively telling me he's not going to see Guns N' Roses at Glastonbury. What's he going to do instead? Pathetic. I'm glad because he's so tall he would disrupt the view for everyone else. He's got his pick of the stages. He has. He can just stand up

and watch all the stages exactly he can see everything from everywhere yeah exactly he's probably going to watch some trendy DJ or something

anyway I think that we should say that Rory if you want to carry on being the producer of Luke and Pete show you should go and watch Guns N' Roses

and report back yeah because there was a thing that went around the stack WhatsApp group a while back, because we had season tickets at Spurs for a while. And they were hosting a venue for a Guns N' Roses show, right? And the stadium messaged us,

they said, by the way, you can have two free tickets to this Guns and Roses show. I think they wanted us to renew the season tickets. They were kind of trying to be that sort of thing. So John put a message

on the group saying, any of you guys want to go see Guns and Roses? And the response was absolutely astonishing by the younger members of our team. Right.

It ranged from just nothing to, who was this? Who is this? And for people of our age, Pete, they're seismic. They are. And yeah,

it's what the tickets... I mean, do... The thing is, though, I think there's a few Spurs fans around our kind of gaff. They're probably upset about the pitch getting torn up by, you know,

BS well in Guns N' Roses fans. Least of their problems. We need to wrap this show up before you say something regrettable about Guns N' Roses. I don't mind them. There we go.

Right. We'll be back on Thursday for more of this. On that bombshell we're actually in this show right now. One day I'm going to overdub one of the

Luca Pete shows with the sound of me having sex with someone's girlfriend. Bye. If you don't know anything about Guns N' Roses, that's horrific. And if you do, it's even more horrific. See you next time. oh look at peter it's like you need need clip that that's not even the lyrics. Is it not? The scene is so typically me.

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