The Luke and Pete Show - Christmas Special Part 1: A lovely old Christmas fight

Episode Date: December 23, 2021

It was the show before Christmas, and Luke and Pete are here with the first part of the LAPS Christmas special. On the show, the lads discuss what their ideal Christmas presents would be. For Pete, it is NOT socks.We then get into the festive spirit by reading out your best and worst Christmas stories, including tales about a Christmas fight and getting drunk with dad. Everyone at the Luke and Pete Show hopes you have a wonderful Christmas. Feel free to get in touch and tell us what you are up to.Email: [e-mail] or you can get in touch on Twitter or Instagram: @lukeandpeteshow. Feel free to give us a follow while you're there! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 Oh, dear. How's it going? How's it going, Lukey Moore? Two days till Christmas, baby. Happy fucking Christmas. Yeah. Happy. It's the 23rd of Christmas.

I've just said two days till Christmas. Yeah, I know, but I had to figure out what actual day it was, mate. It's Christmas time. I'm just going to close the curtain. You carry on talking. All right, then. Why? What are you going to do?

There's a curtain in Stack Towers where Luke doesn't like to see what's outside lest he become distracted and... I'll tell you what it is. What is it?

I look through the window at the seat I'm in and people can see me. Right. And you either get a combination of the sun at a certain time of the day

going off the windscreens and blinding you or you get people who walk past our office and go, that's not like a normal office. Right.

What are they doing in there? What are they doing in there? What are they doing in there? Yeah, what are they... What is he building in there? I'm fucking busy! Move on! I'm doing content, mate. I'm a content node.

I'm a big content pipe. What's your Christmas... Greasy spools of content. Christmas gravy coming at your pipes. What's your Christmas vibe this year, Donny? Oh, mate, I bought the biggest fucking turkey. I take fucking shelves out of my freezer. It's a terrible situation. You're a turducken man,

surely. I just, I just find it so difficult to make that fucking dinner taste good. It's always rank. It's always dry. How many are you sitting this year? We're sitting four. Talk to me. Who is it? Sarah's mum and dad. And you? Have a bit of dinner.

Watch West Ham on Boxing Day. Lovely. Lovely. Lovely. So they're coming to you? Yeah. And you're cooking? I'll help.

Good Lord. I'm... I... Good Lord. Good Lord. I'll help. Yeah. I've got...

I've got plans. Do you ever think about baby Jesus in the manger? What do you mean? On Christmas Day. On Christmas Day. I've got ideas. Not enough room for him. about baby Jesus in the manger what do you mean on Christmas day on Christmas day I've got no room for him no room for a bed

that's what they say do I ever think about it do I ever sort of wake up I don't think I've thought about even though I Christmas is one of my favourite time of years I just don't really

I don't think about him really he doesn't come into it for me he was a very humble man though so presumably he wouldn't mind he'd be alright he'd go you know what Pete this isn't about me he what Pete this isn't about me he'd say

this isn't about me this is about this is ooh a TV show about Jesus man it's gone even crazier what's that

Dark Midnight Mass oh Midnight Mass Midnight Mass what episode are you on watch a couple more I think I'm on five or something

and it's it's got it's gotten a bit shill's it's got it's gotten a bit shillier hasn't it yeah so the biggest complaint from our household

and I suppose it is kind of fairly vaguely Christmas themed we're supposed to be talking about Christmas things here which is a nightmare because we never stay

on one topic no my biggest complaint with Midnight Mass and the Wi-Fi I have access to people will be going to Midnight Mass

at Christmas thank you very much not like that it's not camp enough it didn't lean into it enough right mass and the Wi-Fi I have access to agrees. People will be going to midnight mass at Christmas, thank you very much. They will. Not like that, I hope. It's not camp enough. It didn't lead into it enough. So have you got to the bit yet? Do you mind me saying this? Shall I not say anything? I am enjoying it, so let's

not spoil it. I won't do what you did to me for Game of Thrones. I literally said there was a dragon or something. It was a coffee cup. So it wasn't even... My point was, I mentioned that there was a big hoo so it wasn't even my point was I mentioned that there was a big

hoo-ha-ha a blue-ha-ha literally somebody had left a coffee cup a Starbucks coffee cup on set and it somehow

slipped through the net and it was on the telly in a fantasy drama and you were really upset that I was telling you about it and I'm like it's not important

in the plot no but it is important to me because I'm like, it's not important in the plot. No, but it is important to me. Why? Because I'm going to spend most of my time looking out for a Starbucks cup now. I'm not supposed to be enjoying it. You poisoned my mind. You planted the Starbucks seed. And that's disappointing to me.

You don't put... Yes, no, that would get you fired. Would you say Midnight Mass is a Christmas show for all the family? Yeah, I think, yeah. Look, it's on Netflix. Get your family all around and watch it. So you'll be at your place. Yes.

It's nice. It's going to be the first Christmas in your house, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's nice. By now you've put the decorations up and everything. Yeah. And you're having, what time will the in-laws be over? I think they'll be over quite early on Christmas Day, I think.

I think they're staying until 27th. We talk a lot about My Father in Law, the great LC. How will Christmas relations be with your father in law? So, for example, if you sit down and play a board game, are you letting him win?

I'm not very skilled. I'm not very competitive. And they're both skilled and competitive. I won't need to let him win. But it's always like like I can't die sorry but they're very competitive and it's really cool

I think you should tell them just redact the names there was a game where you had to sort of shout in five seconds this little game where five seconds

yeah I shout three things to do on a train. Right. Yeah. And a member of a member of the family yeah female said you know drink

read play with yourself. Good on her. What did you say. I laughed. I went ha ha brilliant. That's nice.

That's the kind of thing you can expect at Christmas. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly exactly and filth absolute growth I think I'd fit in this I'm like a glove personally

you are the kind of person who would bring home a turducken and not really know how to cook it and be like I've got this it's better

it's like three times better it's better and it's from Iceland could go to Iceland Iceland's around the corner could get me Chris a shop in there Chris in bits and bobs at the risk of sounding

like the most middle class snobby man in the world. Right. I understand people on different budgets and all that kind of stuff. Big prawn ring. Don't go to Iceland.

Why? Don't go there. It's crap. It's not crap. It's full of crap. It's not full of crap. Christmas is all about crap.

It's all about phyllo. It's all about cream. It's all about that shit. And in Iceland you can get it cheaper. You sound like Prince. You literally sound like Prince. It's all about cream. So you are Iceland you can get it cheaper. You sound like Prince. It's all about cream.

So you are going to shop, your Christmas shopping for your food is in Iceland. I've already got the turkey, I'll do the rest of Iceland. All good. And what's your recipe for the turkey? Because you know people like to store them in water Yeah, store them in water. I haven't got a vessel big enough it'd have to be the dirty... I don't know, I just want... I panicked. It's a dirty old bucket. I've got nothing to keep of you why is it so big I don't know I panicked

it's a dirty old bucket I've got nothing to keep I can keep it in the sink I guess I could you don't need a big turkey for four people do you no

just get one a small one the size of a chicken or something shall I just saw it in half when it's still frozen and just throw the rest out for the foxes

yeah do that in the front garden it's the first thing people see when they turn up it's a fox tearing up a carcass so I'll be my parents obviously wasn't able to do that in the front garden since the first thing people see when they turn up it's a fox tearing up a carcass so i'll be uh my parents obviously wasn't able to do that last year yeah last year was um the wi-fi of access to an eye just box sets and eating food and just hanging out and going for a walk which was obviously lovely yeah but like i did miss my family we tried to do a

replication of christmas like in april or something and i get it it was fine and it was really everyone made the effort and it's cool. But it's just not the same, is it? No, no, it isn't. Yeah, no, that's a bit of a nightmare, to be honest. So this year will be... You're going to have such a lovely time.

Yeah, it's going to be cool. Are you going to sit on, are you going down to Portsmouth? Yeah. I'll sue Chef for my mum. Sit on the old, sit on the old, what are they called?

What's he been restoring? Your dad. Oh, a bench. Bench. Oh, he loves it. He's he been restoring your dad oh a bench bench he's retired now my dad so he's all about the benches yeah nice he's basically scouring

Gumtree and eBay for wood and for bench ends bench ends but it's a really great niche because he can pick bench ends up cast iron bench ends yeah

most of no exaggeration most of the time the Gumtree listing is like just come and get it just come and get it it's too heavy we don't want them

yeah we don't want them we don't want them so don't worry about paying us and then all you need to do is add 7 bits of wood I think it's 12 slats 12 slats

yeah and he renders them nicely and he paints the bench ends and he varnishes and he puts the supporting slat in the middle but he can sell I mean

essentially the labour which he'd be doing anyway because he enjoys it it's a hobby a side put the labour which he'd be doing anyway because he enjoys it it's a hobby aside put the labour to one side you're probably talking

about an outlay of about 15 to 20 quid per bench yeah selling for 400 quid yeah decent it's great

yeah because we're in a situation where we cannot get bench like you've got like I don't know DFS

what's that like Hornbiss or something and these benches are like mass-produced like crappy benches aren't they like not just that place but everything nowadays plastic and kind of like cookie cutter nice to have something that that's been restored from from old so my dad's already given us a bench uh so we won't have another one for a christmas present because our garden isn't that big anyway um but yeah it's cool it's great um yeah we've got him a couple of he won't listen to one for a Christmas present because our garden isn't that big anyway. But yeah, it's cool. It's great.

Yeah, we've got him a couple of... He won't listen to this, so it doesn't matter. We've got him a couple of presents relating to his kind of hobby for Christmas. So it's actually... It's made it easy to buy stuff for him for Christmas because blokes of a certain age are impossible to buy for. My old man's not really got that many interests. He's not like a modern man.

Do you know what I mean? Right. So he's like, I like to watch the telly. I like to read the paper. Yeah. I like to go to the pub for a pint with my brother and that's it

and it's like it doesn't really help us out at Christmas that no that really isn't no I think he genuinely would be he would be fine

if for Christmas me and my brother-in-law just went to the pub with him for a pint that would be fine for him but the politics of the family

it takes it you can't do that so some families you were told me about this? It might be. Anyway, someone told me that they know of families that they get the amount of people who are going to be around on Christmas for the family Christmas, and they just do a secret Santa. And that is a fucking brilliant idea.

One present each, that's all you fucking need. Everyone's got everything they need anyway. And my niece and my nephew who are amazing and they're really lovely kids they get millions of presents they don't fucking need them

half of them they play with them for five minutes and that's that but we remember the magic of Christmas was just opening present after present

after present the sheer excitement that you were going to have like a million fucking presents I mean it's brilliant absolutely brilliant that is true maybe I'll leave them out of it.

They can have whatever they want. Everyone else is like, what am I going to buy for my mum? What am I going to buy for my... Well, we've got a secret Santa here at Stack. We're going to be having a 24th of December illegal rave with each other. And we're going to be...

But we have got a secret Santa here. And the software, because it's all going to be done online. Oh, yeah, it's good, that. The software is good, but then there's a boxing tick to sort of say, I'd like this particular present.

You'd sort of go, well, I don't want a generic present that you're just going to think, like a joke present. I want this particular thing. And they can list basically something they've had their eye on. I don't like that.

I don't like that. I think that's overreach. But still I felt duty bound to buy it for the person who I'm supposed to be buying it for. Really? Yeah. Drawnames.co.uk, that's overreach. Yeah.

In my opinion. But I mean, I presume you have, I've not written what I want. Nah. So that's very much the decision that a young lady has made in that particular situation. I keep getting email reminders. I don't trust you, whoever you are,

getting me a present. I want this thing, thing please i can see why they've done that they don't know i'm buying it though oh that's true actually yeah exactly because you could have been buying it see they probably thought i might get luke or pete and that could be a disaster for my christmas yeah uh the stakes are high what um what have you asked for for christmas uh it's gonna reveal who i was giving them i've not uh asked for for Christmas? That's going to reveal who I was giving it to. I've not asked for anything because, Luke, I want for nothing. I mean, again, though, we don't make it easy on people, do we? As we get older, I've got no interests that I would trust anyone else to satisfy.

So it's really hard to sort of buy for me, I would say. There's a coat or some pants. No socks, though, this year, because I bought three packs of black socks on Amazon, and it has revolutionised my life. All my socks are now black. No dicking about with weird fucking ones. I can mix and match if I want.

I think that's a big step forward for you, because you are a wacky socks man, though. Luke, I am so pleased with my choices of ordering like loads of packs of the same black sock. I only wear Nike tennis socks and I buy a massive pack of them every year. But the different colours presumably as well. No, all white.

All white. The only difference between if I wear a suit and I'll wear a pair of dress socks. But other than that, I'm tennis socks all white. I don't fucking care now. I don't care what people think I look like

yeah and I have cared about it traditionally for years because you know you're

a younger man you want to try and look your best and you know everyone's

got a different idea what's cool and what isn't I just

don't care now honestly I wake up in the morning I'm

coming to work early and the wife I have access to is not going into

it my number one priority is to not wake her up I just put on whatever I come into work early and the Wi-Fi I've access to is not going into it that day or she's working from home and she's still in bed. My number one priority is to not wake her up. Oh, yeah. I just put on whatever. Yeah, so I don't necessarily shower in the shower next to the bedroom. There's one downstairs that I use.

Two showers? Two showers. That's great when you've got people over for Christmas. Exactly. And, yeah, that's my little rotten, dirty little shower that I use. And I get changed in a room that's as far away from the bedroom as possible because I like to think I'm a responsible boy. You are not a responsible boy.

I am a responsible boy. What's your Christmas day look like then? I mean, because when there's no real kids around, you're not getting up that early. You get up, you do your... Dragging us back to Christmas on Christmas when all I want to do is talk about socks and showers. Socks are a very...

They are a big part of Christmas. I just don't want anyone buying me any socks. But then if I sort of tell everyone, don't buy me any socks, it's going to be a little bit like Ringo saying that he's not going to sign any more bits and bobs. Do you have sympathy for Ringo for that, though? I do.

I just think it's... If I sent something in for Ringo for that, though? I do. I just think it's... If I sent something in to Ringo, I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't sign it. I wouldn't be surprised if I never saw that again. Because it's a risk. Because Ringo might sort of go, I don't have time. That's what he's thinking.

But he's just making it very clear. He said, don't send anything, because I'll just burn it. I'll burn it in a big bin. I love that, because... Peace and love. Peace and love, that, because... Peace and love. Peace and love, peace and love, peace and love. I love that he's now just saying, like, fuck it.

I'm not doing anything. I'll burn your shit. I wonder what Ringo Starr's Christmas is going to be like. He's in a back garden, full of all the stuff people have sent him that year. Yeah, he's going to blow them up with shotguns, just firing a shotgun. And Lynx Africa.

Yes, he's doing a Lynx Africa on them. Deodorant flamethrower. I'm going to set fire to all of this, and I'm going to watch. And then his wife's going to be like, no, that's like the original fucking master tapes of all the Beatles records that you had in the same pile. I don't bloody care.

Yeah. The Beatles might not ever sell any records now. Have you watched any of the new Beatles eight-hour documentary with Peter Jackson? I have. I watched the clip of Paul McCartney writing Get Back. Right. I cannot get my head around it.

It's mad, isn't it? Yeah. He's going, meet free Monday, you can do it. And then he sort of goes into Get Back. It's just so weird because it's so much a part of the culture and because it's so, like part of the culture and because it's so like the biggest

compliment i can pay to those kind of beatle songs is that in some weird way they feel like they just already exist always existed yeah and so the idea of them being actually purposefully created and crafted it's just weird to look at it feels like a category it's been pulling out out of the ether kind of thing. It's not really songwriting. It's like, it's forming something that we're so familiar to. Neil Young famously says that like,

he can't honestly feel like he can take any credit for the songs he's written because he feels like a, he feels like he's the, he's the vehicle that's come through. They're just there. And he's the one who vessel he's the vehicle that's come through they're just there and he's the one who's put them down on paper I felt like that

when I co-wrote a song called Porno Vision Johnny by Willie what were the lyrics? Porno Vision Johnny Porno Vision Johnny Porno Vision Johnny

Porno Vision Johnny you don't have to worry you don't have to worry because all the things you see are rude Porno Vision Johnny. It's not massively dissimilar to the yellow submarine. Poor No Vision Johnny.

So I've watched that clip. I don't have any appetite for it. So I have a, not a problem because no one gives a shit and I can easily just not consume this stuff. There's a massive industry around just the Beatles. You know, there's a famous, there's a massive industry around just the Beatles. You know, there's a famous, there's a collection of books that I think they've seen

as the definitive biography of the Beatles. And I think I'm right in saying the first volume is 900 pages. And at the end of it, you're at like 1957. It's absolutely mad, isn't it? And the Beatles haven't even really formed. And people, there's an appetite for that. So when I saw that it was like eight hours, I get it's Peter Jackson. I Beatles haven't even really formed and people there's an appetite for that so when I saw that

it was like 8 hours I get it's Peter Jackson I get that's his vibe I get that people love the Beatles are going to be into it I would love and this is probably

sacrilegious to say I would love just a 1 hour super cut yeah just give us the best bits give us write in

let it be give us on the roof they ate a lot of sandwiches apparently but there's also some weird thing you know how it came about they were let it be, give us, on the roof. They ate a lot of sandwiches, apparently. But there's also some weird thing.

You know how it came about? They were rolling cameras secretly the whole time. Right. And I think John Lennon knew. So that's why John Lennon doesn't say much. Oh, and he wasn't doing

his thing that he used to do. I think he was quite partial to the hermit at the time as well. Right, okay. That might have been part of it. That makes you withdraw a little bit. But the funny thing about McCartney and Wright get back

is that like Ringo and George are just sat there yawning. Yeah. And like bored. It's just mad. It's just mad. It's fucking mad. It's mad.

Anyway, Peter, I did ask you a question about fucking your Christmas day. What does it look like? What do you mean, what does it look like? We just sat around. What time did you get up?

What did you... Probably later than I used to. And I always get up about, I get up about like nine or ten and it's like, that's too late for Christmas. Yeah, I feel a bit like that. I feel like, I always felt like sort of growing up and when I started going out for swigs and getting back quite late on a Christmas Eve,

I'd be getting up at ten and feeling a bit groggy and going, I've let everyone down here. Yeah. I feel dirty. I don't feel like I'm sort of making the most of Christmas here. Awful. Yeah, and I remember once being actually ill on Christmas Day and my mum thought I was hungover, but I wasn't.

She gave me a proper dressing down. I think she still feels guilty about it. What time do you have your Christmas lunch? Like mid-afternoon? Yeah, mid-afternoon. Not too late, not too early. Same. Yeah, same.

And will you have to do a board game or not? Yeah, again, like the partner I have access to is quite competitive and quite skilful and I just sit there and go, I'm offering nothing here.

I'm offering nothing here. I'm not really a big fan of the old board games so what I always pray is happening is like it's a film on the afternoon or the evening

that everyone wants to watch and get out of the board game thing. Because people talk about Monopoly and all sorts. I'm not fucking doing four hours of Monopoly on Christmas Day. That's a job. That's a fucking shift. I would like to play Cluedo.

I always wanted to play. My mum and dad were never into playing board games. And I got Cluedo one year. And I was really looking forward to playing a game of Cluedo. And I think we played fucking half a game before people got bored. My dad walked off. And I was like, just give me one game of bloody Cluedo. I love Cluedo.

Was your old man changing his routine for Christmas Day? No, God no. We'd have to form ourselves around him. So what time would you have your lunch on Christmas Day back in your old house? Well, sometimes he wouldn't be there because he'd be asleep because he's on shifts. And he'd have his later on anyway. Oh, okay. I feel really lucky that my parents are always around on Christmas Day for that reason.

Anyway, let's take a break for this Christmas special, because when we come back, we are going to listen to some stories that our lovely listeners have told us about their Christmases. So stick around for that. It's going to be a lot of fun. Okay. We're Not Fucking Historians is the show all about Irish history, where Shane Todd and Hazel Hayes bring you a few facts and plenty of crack. This month saw their most important episode yet, the history

of Ireland's favourite malty beverage. That's where he's got the brewery St. James' Gate. He took out a 9,000 year lease. In the year 10,000, that's going to be a sad day for Guinness when they're booted out. 10,759 AD. Heineken just come in and go, finally, we've got it.

On Tuesday, they're reflecting on their own festive traditions and a few things you might not know about the Emerald Isles Christmas Connections. There is apparently mounting evidence that Saint Nicholas of Myra, who inspired the legend of Santa, is buried in County Kilkenny. It's actually on private land.

They don't allow visitors. I don't think it's a great one to sell to kids. Can we go to Disneyland? No, come on, I'll take you to where Santa's buried. So come on in and get involved. Search We're Not Historians. That's We're Not Historians wherever you get your podcasts.

We're Not Fucking Historians is a Stack production and part of the Acast Creator Network. Welcome back to a special Christmas, pre-Christmas experience. Are you having a good time at Christmas? Are you going to have a bad time at Christmas? Have you had a bad or good time at Christmas in the past? We're going to be reading out your messages now.

I reckon we could do like an AI version of Luke and Pete show in, mate, two years. Should we? We could just pump ourselves into a computer. If an AI could actually understand my accent and my stuttering, confused delivery, I think I sound more like an AI than any AI, really. They're going, is this procedurally generated? But I think if you were really, really good, like genuinely good, you'd be lost to us here wouldn't

you so what do you mean oh i see yeah and before we get into the emails i shout out to kyron for sending in a picture of the christmas tree in gosport the public christmas tree in gosport high street which is where i grew up it looks like the most depressing christmas tree of all time it genuinely came close to ruining my Christmas. Right, okay. It's about fucking five feet tall in a high street and it still looks so apologetic. They should have not bothered. Thanks for sending that in

Kyron. What about this one then? Let's start with one from Dom who says the following. Hi guys, thought I'd answer the call that you put out for shit Christmases. You ready for this one, Peter? Okay.

We're going back to 2019, that sweet final year before we ever had to listen to 55-year-old hobby epidemiologists explaining how viruses and vaccines worked. Takes me right back. It had been a bloody great day back at my parents,

and as usual, everyone was pissed. We were winding the day down with some family board games and during a heated round of articulate things went south my twin brother was shouting in my ear in the way that only an unaware drunk british bloke can after a few minutes of this i proceeded to give him a slap around the head to get him to knock it off unfortunately i ended up clouting him a lot harder than i intended as i was an equally unaware drunk British bloke. So all hell broke loose.

Fast forward to a couple of minutes and he's put his fist through a window and I'm ordering an Uber to take us to A&E at half midnight. Yes, please. My brother's wearing a Christmas suit. The guy in his late 20s is in his late 20s, but he's dressed like a children's entertainer from the 80s that Operation Utrecht would be interested in. I'ms in his late 20s but he's dressed like a children's entertainer from the 80s because Operation U-Tree would be interested in

I'm covered in red wine and gravy neither of us are in a suitable for public consumption condition we're at A&E for about two hours

getting it sorted it's a nightmare the saving grace was of course the NHF staff who took all the nest drive with a good sense of humour not as bad as some people's

Christmases I'm sure but not one I'll forget in a hurry Dom that is fantastic. Your brother's wearing a Christmas-themed suit, you're covered in red water gravy, and you've had a lovely old Christmas fight. Oh, wonderful.

Have you ever sort of... Do you know anybody who's had such an explosive Christmas? Because Christmas arguments are always very much on the table and perfected in the Donaldson household. It's usually between my know-all self and my know-all dad. But has it ever come to blows with anyone you know? No, not really. I got kicked out of the house on Christmas morning

once by my lovely nan. She's sadly passed away now because I completely forgot. I don't know why. I had got her a present, but I hadn't got her a card. Big deal. She was like, I don't care about the present.

I want you to write me a nice card because you're my grandson, my only grandson. I love you and all this stuff. So I don't care about the present. I want you to write me a nice card because, you know, you're my grandson, my only grandson, and I love you and all this stuff. So I don't care where you go and get one from, but you're not coming back into this house until you get one. This is Christmas Day. Fucking Christmas Day. Get down the garage, mate. And my nan was like a tough old Scottish lady.

And so there was no arguing with her. So I had to go down to, I think I ended up finding All Days. Remember All Days? I don't remember All Days at all. It's kind of like the co-op of the co-op it's like a co-op maybe yeah and they were open they had all they had left because it was christmas day of course was a box of christmas cards like 10 so to buy those i had to write one for my nan with the pen that i borrowed from the lady working in the shop right okay and um turn up with it and she was like okay you can come in now no no nothing nothing really major my family's

I mean they've got their problems I told you about the people who've been in and out of prison and stuff but my immediate family are all very reasonable and all very kind of

they're not boozers really they're not kind of we're quite normal quite kind of low key how about you I like that no I mean I think my dad's family

would have Christmas punch-ups but nothing nothing down our end I've family would have Christmas punch-ups, but nothing down our end. I've never really seen a punch-up at a family wedding either. That's a thing, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I've never really, I don't really think I've witnessed that. I've seen some stuff where I've been at a wedding where I've just been like a guest in the evening.

I don't really know anyone, but not a family wedding. Anyway, Pete, do the email, but from Lewis. I got a message from, Where is the message from Lewis? It's below the one from Dom. Oh, goodness, let me do it. Are you in the Christmas running order, Peter? Yes, I am. Lewis Christmas Stories.

So this is by... This is by far on the worst list, as in good or bad Christmases. This is the first and last time I have done this. Typically, in my parents' ends of the country, it is normal for people to go to the pub on Christmas Day. I think we all do a little bit of that here and there. Normally, my dad would go and mum would stay behind

to do the food with us kids, enjoying Christmas Day gifts and games. This one year, he asked me to join him. I must have been about 17 or 18 at the time. I thought, why not? What's the worse that could happen? We get there at 10am and the drinking starts. Trying to keep pace with him and his mates,

I go through one too many, have some shots, and before I know it, I wake up in bed that evening at 8pm. Dazed and confused, I come downstairs for that guaranteed joyous meal of the year, Christmas dinner, only to be hit with a fat slice of the Christmas coal from my mother. She updates me on what happens next. We came home at 4pm, apparently, drunk as a skunk. I ate my Christmas dinner.

It was freezing cold, but ignored my mum's advice to have it reheated in the oven. I then threw it all up, apparently. Oh, no. So I'm now hungry, no Christmas dinner, very hungover, and I can't stomach any more Christmas treats. That's my worst Christmas day for sure. Lewis, you've ruined christmas but thank you for

your message what you've done there is you've run roughshod over people who've done a lot of work yeah they've worked so hard they've worked so hard and look at what you've done all they wanted was one day for the family to come together and you have vomited it dad's got to take some blame dad dad should be able to sort of go let's put the brakes on son. Yeah. You don't need the shots. I don't understand

the reason for going I understand you want to go to the pub if you so my best friend Jimmy he's big in his local pub. Yeah. He goes there all the time

he's a pub man. I can understand totally why the pub was open for a couple of hours on Christmas day you go down there wish everyone a Merry Christmas. Yeah.

Have one pint. You don't need more than one pint. Couple of pints max. Couple of pints, max. A couple of pints, max. What's the vibe when you're going down and just shoving a binge drink on Christmas Day? I don't really get that. To me, that's just odd. I know you're 17, fine, you do stupid things when you're young, I get that. I've certainly

been guilty of that myself, not on Christmas Day. But it just seems like a bit of a weird thing. Mine's like, my Christmas is kind of like, having in recent years, having one, maybe one, maybe two pints,

feeling like I've had too many pints, getting home, booze-ly eating Christmas dinner, and then sort of settling down, dozing off for a bit,

watching Indiana Jones and playing football manager while my parents, while my dad dozes and my mum just dozes. We're a very dozy family. Yeah. I can understand that.

There's something wrong with the gas. She'd get a carbon monoxide I also this might shock people as well I rarely if ever drink

alcohol on Christmas day yeah it was never a thing a glass of wine in the morning champagne kind of Bucks Fizz type thing and maybe a glass of wine at night in front of the telly

other than that I won't really drink the last Christmas I had a lot of green ginger wine and pot who were you with just with you and the partner yeah because it's green ginger wine what is that it's uh brand green or is it no just green it's it's green it's green and the bottle's green i think i don't know green ginger wine it's nice though it's it's uh it's a nice warming uh christmas drink but you only see... I love... Oh, my God. I make so many snowballs, though.

Bottle of Advocar. Lemonade. I don't know why we have these drinks. Port, to a less extent. Yeah. Green ginger wine. Advocar. Why do we drink this all fucking year?

Yeah. Because Advocar goes... Mince pies. Mince... Well, yeah, but lesser. But, like, booze. Like, Advocar, we never drink it any other time. I'd love a snowball on a night out.

Carbacry acid. Only at Christmas. I was in a pub yesterday and this guy went, and this guy had made his own kind of drink, right? It was kind of like posh microbrewery, but it was a guy who was a bit of a character behind the bar. And he'd made his own, it was like, it was his spin on a Bloody Mary. And instead of tomato juice, it was a guy who was a bit of a character behind the bar and he'd made his own it was like it was his spin

on a Bloody Mary and instead of tomato juice it was Bovril fucking hell and I was like did you try some of it I wanted to but I completely

like he was going I'll make some I'll make some fresh at the end of the round but you need to give us the round in first and we chipped off after that so I never actually got a taste

of a special Bovril drink you're a big fan of Bloody Mary aren't you I love a Bloody Mary I wanted to see what it was like. Yeah. He said he made it because his dad used to,

at the football, put whiskey... Oh, yeah, that's the worst thing about it, is whiskey instead of vodka in it. Yeah, I don't think it would be very nice. I don't think it would be very nice. Whiskey and Bovril.

So he used to get Bovril on the terrace and pour his little hip flask in there. Yeah. Yeah. That's possibly a problem. Possibly a problem. Let's squeeze one more email in about Christmas from Josh

because we were back on the 27th. Yes, we were. But just for now, let's squeeze this last one in from Josh before we go. And then all that's left

is for us to wish everyone a Merry Christmas. Josh says, Hi, gents. Thought I'd regale you with the tale of my best Christmas. You've got to balance it out, Pete.

Yeah, okay. Being a lifelong technophile, I always wanted the latest gadgets and gizmos, and as a child, I never wanted for anything, as my mum, despite being a single mum and a nurse, would work overtime and save up to ensure we had the best Christmas every year.

Babe. Games, sweets, chocolates, you name it, all culminating in one main present at which my little child's brain would lose its mind with joy. The year is 2002, and a nine-year-old me is buzzing with excitement at what could possibly be waiting for me on Christmas morning. Cut to me opening my gifts and suddenly unwrapping a Nintendo GameCube.

Oh, hello. Amazing. I can barely contain my happiness at what was an incredible main present. I continue opening my gifts and come to a smallish box. I unwrap the gift and what's inside but a Nokia 3310. What? Absolute scenes. My first ever phone. I think my life peaked at that point.

Two main presents, a feat unimaginable, and one I am grateful for to this day. I love my mum for this and for so many other reasons, although she did ruin it a bit when she had my younger brother a couple of years later, meaning I didn't get the entirety of her attention anymore. Selfish. Kind regards, Josh.

I want to end on that email because one it's a lovely story and two shout out to all the mums out there yeah your mum sounds like an absolute queen and we hope she has a lovely Christmas

like a GameCube and a Nokia like that's amazing she's killing Josh for kindness that is two big hitters that's two primo shit that is the wow and Josh's email was actually very well written,

so he wasn't spoiled. He didn't think he knew better. He's still, he's stuck down. He's got his head down. It's worked for him. But Josh's mum, I don't know what your name is because Josh hasn't mentioned it.

Mrs. Josh, Mother Josh, whatever. Hope you have a lovely Christmas because you so clearly deserve it. Have a game of Snake. Yeah, have a game of Snake. I wonder if he's still got the 3310. All that's left now before Christmas is for us to throw to Pete

for, as is traditional, his Christmas address to the Lucan Peach Nation. Pete, please take it away. It is my fellow countryman and countrywoman. I am tired. It's been difficult for a lot of us. We've lost so many and gained so many.

Yeah. And I like to think that fighting with your family over the Christmas period is the true way to respect respect your i'm losing it i'm losing it look i'm losing it fuck your manger fuck your manger fuck it in have a scrap with your parents yeah and uh and then and try and tidy up relations before you've reached 2022 yeah that's at the very least try and start we'll be back on the 27th anyway but at the very least yeah try and start 2022 not no knowingly worse than 2021. Give yourself a little project

because people are going to be getting fit, people are going to be getting trained, people are going to be looking for new jobs, stuff like that. But fundamentally, ruin your relationship with your friends and family by being an utter disgrace

on Christmas Day and over the Christmas period and then spend January repairing those tendrils, those broken octopus legs. I cannot possibly improve on that message. Thank you very much. Have a lovely Christmas.

We'll see you in that weird in-between bit between Christmas and New Year. Ta-ta. the luke and pete show is a stack production and part of the acast creator network