The Luke and Pete Show - Crocodile Heads in Norfolk

Episode Date: October 21, 2021

Why don't billionaires do a remake of the Titanic? Why is a man going to Norfolk to buy dead crocodile heads? How are space probes fuelled? Why has a man who films cyst-ridden cow hooves got over a million subscribers on YouTube?If you can find a single other podcast anywhere in the world answering the breadth of questions like above then please subscribe to it. Go on, do it. Do it with our blessing. But until then, stick with good ol' Lukey and Petey. We'll see you right.Get in touch: [e-mail] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Oh, some motherfuckers always trying to ice skate uphill. This is the Luke and Pete Show. I'm Pete Donaldson. I'm joined by Luke Moore. And it is a Thursday, which means, boys, battery brands, and the best of your emails. All Bs. All the Bs. All the Bs.

B-mails. B-mails. Any Bs emailed in? Got any B-Bs? Got any B-Bs, mate? What's been going on, Peter? Oh, Luke, I am obsessed with a YouTube channel called The Hoof GP. Yeah, I did see this in the running order,

or the piece of paper that we have which has got people's emails on it. And you just wrote, I've been big into hoof cysts this week. Hoof cysts, yeah. And then I was in the office earlier, and Rory and Katie, bless them, said, have you seen that thing Pete's put in? It's a bit gross. I was like, I haven't looked at it. I have not looked at it.

Right, okay. So if you're going to justify it. What, they've got eyes on it? They've got eyes on our little running order. I'll not have this. I gave Rory, I shared it with Rory yesterday because he asked me to. Right, okay, yeah. And they put me off it.

So it's got to the point now where we are making shows where other colleagues are putting me off things you're putting in the running order. Don't click on that. Don't click on it. So explain yourself. They're much younger than us, and they haven't experienced the world. I've had to work up to this.

I wouldn't have been able to deal with that when I was 22. No way. I feel sick just watching it now, but I'm getting through it. So what are we telling people about it? The Hoof GP. He's just gone over 1 million subs. Has he really?

Yes, he has. 1.1. And also my top tip for great YouTuber-y about a year ago, he's just gone over 1 million there. The guy who works in Tring fixing shoes, he's over one million now. People like people who can do shit. Yeah, that's true.

I don't mind that. Proper craftsman. What I would like to know is whether the hoof GP, who presumably is some kind of vet, is essentially humiliating his patients in this way, presumably without their permission.

I mean, it's fairly anonymous. Just hooves, mate. Isn't it? Just hooves. I think if someone knew me, they could identify me by my hoof. So what's he doing? Just fixing hooves? So he's a man who will turn up at a farmer's residence and if the cow is walking a bit funny,

he'll put their foot in a stock, I suppose, and basically just fix up the hoof. And hooves, it seems, can have so many issues with them. Frequently underneath the soft kind of like keratin, I suppose it would be, of the hoof. I mean, there's stones that can get lodged in there. There's infections that can just, you know, sometimes they'll just sort of, they'll be cutting away at a cow's poorly hoof and there'll just be an explosion of yellow pus.

And it's just, it just, but if you've ever had a lumpy cyst or a spot or something, the relief, Luke, the relief when the tension leaves you. And if you're a spotty guy or gal out there, The relief, Luke. The relief when the tension leaves you. And if you're a spotty guy or gal out there, you know how it feels. You know how it feels when that starts to drain. You're like, oh, lovely.

Is that his main content? Is he exploding cysts on hooves? Puss. Here's some of the video titles. Puss squirts out of huge bull's foot. Vet Lance's obsessed huge bull's foot Vet Lance's abscess on bull's foot yeah what is under

the black opening in this cow's hoof it's sub patrons only I'll tell you for now it's probably bubbles of pus but it's

yeah it's incredible it's just like these cows just have very painful lumps and stuff and this guy is just a bit of a genius.

He manages to, he knows what to do with every single cow's hoof. Even ones that you would sort of go, that cow needs to be put down because half his foot's missing. This guy will rescue your cow from a fate worse than death. So when I watched Derm Clarkson's Farm on Amazon Prime, which is very good, one of the big plot points in one of the episodes is about the problems with hooves that sheep have.

He's got sheep. Yeah. And it was actually quite revealing how prevalent that kind of thing was. But now you're kind of talking about it, it doesn't really make sense because they spend all their time outside, they're walking around, doing their thing.

They obviously don't have the tools to be able to fix it themselves. So it kind of makes sense. What I'm more concerned about is, I mean, a million subscribers even in 2021 on YouTube is a lot, right? It's a decent return, yeah. That many people interested in it? Well, because it's quite, because I didn't know that, you know,

that Hooves got into so much bother, and they fix them in such a, you know, that hooves got into so much bother. And they fix them in such a, you know, they'll just glue, like what looks like the underside of a Clark shoe on one side of it. So the cow doesn't kind of favour one side of the hoof. Just to even that out,

like you would put a piece of paper under a table there. Yeah, pretty much. Is it like that? And then they just carve out, carve out and then put this um powdered uh antibiotics antiseptic kind of stuff on top of it like a like a it

just looks like flour right like i think it's silica acid or salic acid i can't really call it so in clarkson's farm with the sheep it's

like a blue spray like spray paint yeah yeah so he uses a lot of that okay on the cow's hooves but it's just it's just fascinating that they they cut basically

just it's like a fingernail isn't it they just cut back these nails and it's just that there's something basically, it's like a fingernail, isn't it? They just cut back these nails and it's just that there's something horrific about it because the white hoof turns quite pink

quite quickly as you pull it back as it goes back to the blood vessels and stuff. But look, it's a little bit Dr. Pimple Popper.

Yeah, I've seen that. It's a little bit just, you know, the shoe guy who just fixes shoes and stuff. It's combined them. I love watching obsessors be drained at the best of times.

And if this guy's making an animal that's doing no harm itself, that just needs that blessed relief, I think it's a very satisfying and worthy thing to be filmed. So when in Transformers... And if I masturbate to it, that's my business. When Transformers, at that plot point, where Hot Rod and Optimus Prime combined, and Hot Rod became Rodimus Prime.

Rodimus Prime. Yeah. This is like Dr. Pimple Popper and the Shoe Guy becoming the Hoof GP. Exactly. Yeah, no, massively. Marvel, isn't it? It's the Hoo hoof cinematic universe. The biggest stone ever pulled out this cow's foot.

Is it the biggest stone ever, though? Probably not. Is it the most infected axial wallfisher? We just don't know. Tune in to find out. Speaking of animals in states of, I'm not going to say states of distress, because in this case, the animals are already dead.

My friend, Woody, I've told you about before, who was part of a little science project for his kids buries skulls heads in the back garden of animals yeah they they dig them up and bleached them and work out the anatomy and stuff uh yeah he for those who don't quite remember you may remember this this may jog your memory um a year or so ago he was at the beach with his um with his wife and their two sons and uh there was a couple of dead animals on the beach and there was a big um negotiation um between him and his wife yeah he wanted um two dead ospreys a seagull and a seal and she said you can have two ospreys, a seagull and a seal. And she said, you can have two ospreys. You're not having the fucking seal.

Right. Because we'll never get the smell of the car. Yeah. A lot of blubber in that. But be happy with your ospreys. And he took his ospreys and he's got them now up on the mantelpiece. Anyway, I saw him on Friday. Right.

We went to go and see our friend Blair. He's only got that seal. He's only found that seal and brought it back. No, no. But listen, it's almost as good. We went to go see our friend Blair. He was a singer,songwriter, folk musician, down in Sutton, and we were chatting away.

I said, how are you getting on with your animal heads? He said, well, I've got some exciting news. I promise you it's absolutely true. He actually waited for his wife to go to the bar before he told us this. He said, I've been in touch with a crocodile farm in Norfolk. Right. And they, he lives nowhere near Norfolk,

they are potentially open to the idea that when a couple of crocodiles pass away, for a fee, and provided he drives up there and picks them up and drives them back again, he may even have a couple of adult crocodile heads. Okay, right.

Which he can bury in the garden. He's got a big old garden. Yeah. And do the thing with them. How cool would that be? Well, it depends on your level of cool I suppose but I just always think with crocodiles

they look so dry anyway you could probably just leave them out in the sun leathery yeah just leave them out in the sun I don't think they'd liquefy or nothing

what he said was he says if you really want to get them proper bleach like white you have to really boil them because if you bury them

and let nature take its course which he's very keen to do I hope he does it outside I'm boiling an alligator he doesn't do the boiling you come them and let nature take its course which he's very keen to do I hope he does it outside I'm boiling an alligator no he doesn't do the boiling you come in and your dad is boiling an alligator he doesn't do

he doesn't do the it was a crocodile he doesn't do the boiling because because he said it's just a bit fucking grim but if you the point being

if you bury them and let nature take its course which he's very keen to do because of the educational element the flesh kind of stains the bone over time. It's very difficult to get it properly

white. Anyway, he also said, he's a pretty singular character, Woody. He also said that he got in a bit of trouble last week because he decided when he was a kid he really wanted to see what it would be like to eat a kilogram of dairy milk. So as an adult, now he's got the means, he tried to do that and it was really difficult.

But anyway, if I can get some photos of the heads I will try for you guys and particularly the crocodile head will very much be the end of level boss of this project

I would have thought and we'll see how he goes but I just think it's quite an interesting little project he's got foxes he's got ospreys

he's got little squirrels he's got all sorts all natural causes otherwise we just go in the trash he just discovers them I trust him you trust him

I trust him so it's quite interesting that would you be interested in doing something like that Pete or are you just not as much into kind of I'm not really into anything sort of taxidermy

I'm not really sort of you know I said it before when I was at the zoo I almost stole a chimpanzee fetus but other than that... Yeah, that probably needs further clarification, Pete.

I mean, whichever way you think about it, it's quite weird, isn't it? Yeah. I went in the cupboard, there was just a load of chimpanzee fetuses. I was like, well, you've got loads. In jars? Yeah.

Like, guys, you've got loads. Let me have one. Very much like a Karl Marx approach. Just like, let's share... Property is theft. Let's share it all around. Everyone should be entitled to one every family should have

a chimp fetus yeah which is a jar of formaldehyde already yeah because we went one way the chimps went the other way let's have a jar of them let's commemorate it exactly

let's absolutely commemorate it I was also thinking by the way over the weekend that um you know all these billionaires are going into space yeah I don't mind it Shatner's going up isn't he soon he's gone has he gone when did he come back did he come back is he alright I was also thinking, by the way, over the weekend, that all these billionaires are going into space. Yeah.

I don't mind it. Shatner's going up, isn't he, soon? He's gone. Has he gone? Went to come back, yeah. Did he come back? Is he all right? He's okay, yeah. Okay. You do worry about someone's ticker experiencing such craziness.

I imagine the PR would be an absolute disaster, so I'm pretty sure he would have done some medical checks. But I don't mind, necessarily, the old going into space in the giant penis, which I think is quite funny. And, of course, space travel has got an amazing amount of benefits for people here on Earth. I get all that.

But what I was thinking was, why aren't they doing really actually cool stuff? Like, why doesn't a billionaire remake the Titanic, right? That would be good, wouldn't it? What? Yeah. Remake it exactly as it was before would it not be that'd be hugely popular people were obsessed with the fucking titanic anyway i checked it out and i'll get

get your thoughts in a minute but apparently there's a theme park in china as of may of 2021 so very recently that is actually um building one but it doesn't sail yes it's in there so it's exactly the same as it would have been but it doesn't sail so it's exactly the same as it would have been but it doesn't sail so you just go on it for the gram I guess just for people

who want to experience a dinner on it or a concert or whatever the fuck but wouldn't it be fucking cool if you were a multi multi billionaire would you not just do

stuff like that it's not as exciting as going into space is it and also like the Titanic's been done done and failed and space is nothing up there yeah but there's nothing to be gained It's not as exciting as going into space, is it? And also, like, the Titanic's been done. Done and failed.

And... Space is nothing up there. Yeah, but there's nothing to be gained by making a Titanic, is there? Sail it around. Go where you want. Go where you want. Yeah. They already do.

I just think... I think... How much did the... I'm going to type in. How much did the Titanic cost? Right? So... Well, so this one that's being

rebuilt. 400 million to construct. That's not that much money really for a millionaire, is it? Well, this one being rebuilt is 153 million dollars to be reconstructed. Exactly as it was before, but I don't think it can sell. It doesn't have to be watertight. That'd save a lot of money like that. Whoa, what did I just do there?

I think I must have just cajoled my headphones to make them really loud. I thought you'd managed to become incredibly loud. Likely. It is likely. It's me you're talking to. So you're saying for a multi, multi billionaire, 400 million is a good chunk, isn't it?

It's a good chunk, but you wouldn't get a return. I mean, this is just a theme restaurant. You might as well just open a Fonty Towers one in Edinburgh or something. What would you do? What, with 400 million? Would you go into space? I'd go into space, yeah. Would you?

Yeah. What would you do up there? Fuck about. Pop a hoof cyst. In zero gravity. Get a horse up. Pop a hoof cyst. There'd be cyst juice in all of the instruments.

You've enjoyed the hoof GP. What about the zero gravity hoof GP? Didn't the Russians go up and they filmed, I think, a movie, a part of a movie in zero gravity or something. Yeah. Cause I heard that the international space station were really pissed off about it.

Cause they're like, this is a working laboratory. What are you fucking doing? Yeah. This is, it's all just very much people are just messing around now. No one's getting anything done. They're just dicking about.

But there's a, there's a, there's obviously an underlying issue with human exploration to places like, I don't know, like a foreign planet, an extraterrestrial planet or whatever, because what humans can actually sustain is very limited.

So there's a guy called Avi Loeb, who is a very, actually quite controversial scientist. But he was saying, one of the things he said, which is quite interesting, is he said that if you are going to experience extraterrestrial activity, it's overwhelmingly likely to be mechanical or non-organic.

Because if you build something like a satellite or a spaceship, that's going to last for millions of years. And a human being just decays into dust relatively quickly, and they can't really go anywhere. Right? being just decays into dust relatively quickly and they can't really go anywhere right so if if if a if a i mean i guess it assumes that organic extraterrestrials have evolved in this relatively similar way to us but we're we've evolved because of the way our planet is and the planet is very similar understandably the other extraterrestrials are going to be have evolved in a similar way so there's going to be limitations of what they can do the point being there was a

a a foreign body that entered the solar system a while back that came from outside the solar system that's quite rare for us to see that

and it was a really weird shape and this Avi Loeb guy was saying look you should check this for radio signals because it could be of extraterrestrial origin and it's far more likely

to have been created somewhere and sent rather than it Send like an alien life form. Yeah because you wouldn't do it. No no. No point.

Anyway they radio contacted it and nothing came back and they think it's probably just a weirdly shaped comet or something. But the point being What they said about

me. The point being that it's a limit to what humans can do because they can't go anywhere can they? I mean even Mars it will take ages.

I mean humans can go to Mars under current technology but the can they? I mean, even Mars, it'll take ages. I mean, humans can go to Mars under current technology, but the psychological effects would be really damaging. How long would it take? It's, I think it's six months. Right.

Something like that. Okay. But it depends on the technology you use and stuff. But one of the things I found really interesting is that, do you know how,

how satellites and probes and stuff are powered once they're up and out there? Solar power, presumably, no? No, it's not. It's like, it's like a variation satellites and probes and stuff are powered once they're up and out there. Um, solar power presumably, no? No, it's not.

It's like, it's like a variation of nuclear power. Oh, okay. So like, it's, it's like a, an isotope that was manufactured quite heavily during

the Cold War. And it's not used as much now because of, um, because I think the Cold War, obviously the Cold War's ramped down, so there's no much, not as much use for it. But it's like War obviously the Cold War has ramped down so there's not as much

use for it but it's like this little piece of radioactive isotope the half-life is years hundreds of years and it just

gives out a little bit of energy that powers all the electronics and stuff and essentially really for the purposes of what it's trying to do goes indefinitely

absolutely fascinating interesting yeah I thought I presumed everything would have a little, like those sunflowers that you used to get in the 90s,

little cell. Oh yeah, that's what you mean. A little solar cell, used to dance. So the probe, the stuff it uses is PU238,

which is basically called a radioisotope thermoelectric generator. It generates heat and power electrically, but we don't have that much of it now because it's not been manufactured.

And also one of the biggest issues with flying up into space as well is the use of liquid oxygen, right? Liquid oxygen is what's used for a lot of these rockets. And there's hardly any left, relatively speaking. You want to know why? Is it the same as helium? The Americans sold it off in the 70s.

No, it is because of the COVID epidemic. Ventilators use liquid oxygen, that to be reappropriated for ventilators all around the world. Right. Okay. So we've run short. So anyway, I don't know what we got onto that. Got any oxygen?

Give us some oxygen, yeah? Yeah. Give us the oxygen of publicity. Put a review on iTunes. That was a very, very poor and inaccurate and probably incomplete discussion about space travel. You're welcome. Completely impromptu.

Yeah. We're going to take a break. We will. We'll be back with some battery brands and some more of your excellent emails. I was going to say, the only power we're

interested in, I can double A battery. Hello, I'm Hazel Hayes. And I'm Shane Todd. And welcome to our brand new podcast, We're Not Fucking Historians. It sounds like I'm saying

we're not fucking historians. Yeah, we're saying we're not experts. We're not historians ourselves. Not that we I'm saying we're not fucking historians. Yeah, we're saying we're not experts. We're not historians ourselves. Not that we're not having sex with historians. No historians getting fucked on this pod. Zero historians getting fucked on this podcast. We are in fact your alternative guide to Irish

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The earliest booty call. It's the booty call you didn't want. 50 Scandinavian Vikings showed up. Or our biggest celeb, St Paddy. He says he prayed up to 100 times a day and sometimes during the night. That's what a five-year-old would say. I prayed 100 times, I swear.

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We've got some emails from battery brand fans. People are opening up smoke alarms. People are opening up... An unintended consequence of this. They're throwing their batteries in the bin because they haven't satisfied the Luke and Pete high bar for brand new battery brands. Sorry for making your homes much more unsafe. What have we had from the internet, Luke? Right, so I'll read them out.

You can do the old search to see if they're new. Chris Bryan from Delaware. I think it's the first time I've ever heard, apart from Joe Biden, of course, of anyone. It's definitely the first time anyone's got in touch with any of our shows from Delaware. Right, okay. That's great.

Thank you very much for that chris he submits vinegy v-i-n-e-r-g-y he asks have they obtained their site of electrons from grapes and that would certainly be a form of green energy i do hope this is new to you and may well be as these were removed from a bicycle headlight purchased almost 20 years ago and only changed for the first time today great and listen great battery that's the case yeah yeah new uh it is a new

one yes chris yes it was submitted for the first time two years ago thank you chris brian for getting involved there yeah very much very much enjoy that it's a

great to have a new player on a thursday yeah loz bane hello to you loz gp supercell at 3am not one but two smoke alarms to start the chirp throughout the night. So I removed the batteries

and they were GP Supercells. I can almost certainly tell you Loz, even off the top of my head that they are not new players. No, they're not new players unfortunately. Sorry for I was sorry for putting them in the running order to be quite frank because you let everyone down there. Yeah. Matt

and Silvano, Active Energy 1.5 Volt. Today we were demonstrating our company's wares to a customer. We discovered a battery in the door compartment of our works demo van. Upon inspection, we both exchanged glances and knew what we needed to do. Active Energy 1.5 Volt.

Now, Mark Dockery, Dan Garella, Matthew Joints, and Thomas Guy, love it. Andrew Clark, Mark Bedders, everyone's got involved with the old Active Energy unfortunately. That's been put on the show about seven times. Or certainly been emailed to us anyway. Unlucky to you

Matt and Silvano, but you don't win a raffle if you don't buy a ticket. So good on you for getting in touch. Gustav Delort says, after going through lots of old electronic strewn throughout my gaff, I finally found what I hope is a new player residing in an electronic cheese grater. Enod Todicol,

which I think he thinks I'm not going to notice if Luke got done backwards. Nice try, Gustav. Oh no! It's a good effort, but not quite good enough I'm afraid. You shouldn't have

written it in capital letters because I didn't spot it but you clearly did. Enod Togacol is not the brand of a battery. It's Luke Got Done backwards.

Well Luke didn't get done. I thought he might be Turkish. Listen, here's what I'd say. Enod Tog Vatsog Gustav Got Done

if that is your real name which I suspect it isn't Troll wait Troll Ed Edva Edvat

was it Troll yeah I tried to read it backwards but it doesn't really make any sense Trolled basically is the surname VAT VAT

VATSOG yeah that doesn't make any sense no the first one doesn't know listen we've had a new player that's the headline here thank you very much to you, Chris. And thank you everyone who sent in their authentic attempts

to provide a new battery brand. We'll do some more at the same time next week. We're building up quite the database now. Pete, sorry to completely dominate this section of the show, but I do want to do an email here, which is about you, kind of, so it makes sense for me to read it it's from james james who lists himself as the aussie pete donaldson um because he got in touch before

so he thinks he's the australian pete donaldson and we read his email out and he's got back in touch saying hello again i have continued to associate myself as the australian pete donaldson and i'm back with another set of behaviours that I believe we share. Some more information about me this time too. I'm a government worker, a budding DJ, a content creator wannabe, a football enthusiast as well. He says, these are the 10 reasons

why I continue to be the Australian Pete Danson. One, I love a fancy dress party. Right, yeah. That takes the box, doesn't it? Yeah. You still into those or have you kind of drifted out of that now? I'm going to have a Halloween party

for Halloween I may and I mean may resurrect my my Edward Scissorhands so see how we go

see how we go is that a bit like you know Mike Flowers Pop still doing gigs and doing just doing his version of Wonderwall

is he still doing it though are you a one hit wonder on the fancy dress front yes yeah no definitely yeah I think I think it was epoch defining though

you do you do Austin Powers don't you and you do Jack Sparrow as well number two I also think people drink too much water

these days yes agree yeah number three I love to explore and look around places when I'm drunk particularly when I was younger you love and explore when you're drunk you I'm drunk, particularly when I was younger.

You love and explore when you're drunk. You never stay still. Exactly. I find it hard to sleep on hot nights. Everyone does that. Yeah, that's everyone. Yeah. I don't usually have any bread in the house.

That's true. Is that still true now? No, because my partner has a lust for bread. Number six, I grew up with an Amiga computer. Yeah, checks out. Number seven, I never disagree with anyone I don't know yeah that's fair agree number eight I don't like receiving a gift from someone in a situation where I haven't got them a gift I'd rather go I'd rather die yeah uh number nine despite being a Japanophile I don't like anime or manga yeah and number 10 funny for now

I love a French exit from a party or a backdoor shuffle slash Irish exit as it's commonly known down under. P.S. I'm happy to be on the podcast if you need a fill-in for any reason.

Cheers, James, the Aussie Pete Donaldson harmer. I don't think we will need you on that, James. Thank you very much for the offer, though. I mean, that's, what if he is kind of like,

maybe he doesn't know it and I don't know it, but imagine if we were doing the exact same, like, arm movements or leg movements. At the, but imagine if we were doing the exact same arm movements or leg movements. At the same time. In the exact same way, the complete mirror image of each other,

down under, up under, up over. I've often wondered if, you know, they've cloned a sheep. Yeah. Dolly the sheep. If they cloned a human being, so they cloned two human beings and put them exactly in the same environmental background

for the first, say, I don't know, 10 years of their life. Yeah. And made them fuck. No, Peter. What? I'm not saying that. Okay. Say something then.

How different would they be? How close in similarities would they be when they first met each other? Would they be trying to do the same stuff at the same time? Like a complete mirror image. Because they're genetically exactly the same. Yeah. And they've had the same upbringing. I suppose so.

I mean, there must be someone in the world. Like, they sort of say, there's someone in the world who's eaten more crisps than anyone else. And they don't know it. And nobody knows it. But like, there must be someone who is your complete

kind of physical body double and also walks the same way as you. If you saw two people who had the exact same walk, I think it would be more eerie than anyone would give it credit for. I think it would be absolutely chilling. Have you seen the Jordan Peele film, Us? Yes, I have.

Do you know what I mean? That kind of stuff. Yeah, that sort of stuff. That would be frightening. I mean, it's frightening anyway. I'd also like to think that when you die, when you shuffle off this simulation, I also like to think that when you die when you shuffle off this simulation

I'd like to think that in the afterlife you get access to all the stats about your life oh like at the end of a video game that'd be brilliant

like a Grand Theft Auto where you've found 17 secret packages yeah stolen this many cars yeah how many how many minutes

of Sunday football do they actually play? How many completed passes? Right, yeah. How many times

did a member of the opposite sex genuinely find me attractive? You know, that kind of stuff. How many packets of crisps have I

eaten? You know, what did, you know, what was the, you know, the most successful pair of trainers

I ever had most successful as in like how as in how many people thought they were cool how comfortable were they what support did they provide it would be fascinating

to know like the possibilities are endless and the numbers would be very low but like it would be fascinating to know that when you walk into a room who how many people would

sort of go oh that guy's okay looking yeah that's what I'm saying that would be fascinating to know wouldn't it I mean again there'd be most rooms

it'd be zero but in my case but wouldn't be the hardest one you've had wouldn't it you do sort of go that would be very interesting even

people with low self esteem would probably feel a lot better about themselves if they knew that I think yeah because there's so much like social baggage

isn't there people have no one's really totally honest about their entire what if people see like social baggage. People have, no one's really totally honest about their entire feelings. What if people see my right calf? That's my worst bit.

What voice is that? I don't know. The hopeful man. And just things like how many pints of Guinness have I drunk? Do you know what I mean? All that kind of stuff

would be fascinating. I don't know how we got onto this, but anyway, it would be interesting. It would be very, very interesting. There's an email here about turds do you want to squeeze it in

yes you go first or squeeze it out I suppose yeah cool let's have a look evening guys following on from Pete's story about the soiled pants

being left by house guests I wanted to show you the fable of our friendly local neighbourhood defecator who I have affectionately named Shat the Ripper flashback to the dark days of lockdown

in our fair lady London. The news was stacked with stories of public toilet closures causing city-wide chaos, leaving people caught short. I live around the corner from a suburban tube station with night services, so we have people often steaming, passing by our windows at all hours of the night. The only trail of destruction usually left behind is a sloppily tossed chicken box or a half-drunk tinny left on a wall.

One Saturday night, Sunday morning, around 3am, I heard a rustling, grunting, groaning outside. And when I popped open the curtain, there was a shadowy figure lurching across the shared driveway. I didn't think anything of it and went back to sleep. Fast forward to later that morning, and I'm heading out to the shops and was confronted by a pair of light blue Alessi, or Aless, boxer shorts filled with toxic spelling wet turd. And when I say filled, I mean filled. One shovel and gagging session later, the soiled kegs were in the black bin and life returned to normal. About a week later, I went out to the garden

and found the very same style of boxers, again filled with essence, which is a lovely turn of phrase, which had clearly been thrown over the fence. The problem persisted for about three or four weeks culminating in a pair of boxes being hung from a tree again fully loaded.

Fortunately, Shat the Ripper has since moved onto pastures new and our tree-lined streets are once again a picture postcard of cigarette butts,

SFC chicken boxes and upended tisky cans. Stay safe and keep up the wonderful work. All the best, Matt in London, or Shat in London as I call him.

Yeah, I think he's protesting. He seems to know an awful lot about this. He seems to be always, he's always at the scene of the crime. Yeah.

Always, because like, he's got a motive, he's got the opportunity. Always scan the crowd when people are like, you know, watching an arson, watching a fire.

They always go back and have a look, don't they, the arsonists? I think you're absolutely right. And this was very much an arsonist. Exactly, yeah They always go back and have a look, don't they, the arsonists? I think you're absolutely right and this was very much an arsonist. Exactly, yeah.

Fantastic. Well, if you've got any more stories like that, got any more like that, hello at lucanpeachshow.com. You can also get in touch via Twitter, if you want,

at lucanpeachshow and yeah, stay safe. Leave us a review on iTunes. That really helps. Inexplicably in 2021, that really helps

and tell your friends about us and yeah, don't shit your pants. Please don't shit your pants. Please don't shit your pants. And if you do, don't throw your pants on someone else's driveway.

Don't do that. It's just terrible behaviour. Bad admin. Very bad. Thank you very much for listening. As Pete says, all the admin's done

so all that's left for me to say is goodbye. Have a great weekend. We'll see you next week see you on Monday and if you ever got a battery Brian don't forget

you need to attach a photo we can't take it seriously anyway and I am talking to you Gustav thank you very much guys see you later on The Luke and Pete Show is a Stack production and part of the Acast Creator Network.