The Luke and Pete Show - Delicious Nonsense

Episode Date: June 10, 2021

On today's show, Luke discovers news about a man who's been living alone on an island for decades and considers how he'd survive living solo. Elsewhere, Pete is after more intellectual conversation as he explores the idea of a potato chip made of human flesh. Delightful.We've also got time for earwax suction techniques, Indian food we have access to and the official beach of Sandi Toksvig, before taking a very disappointing trip to battery corner. GET STUCK IN!Want to be featured on the show? Have you recently thought about surviving on an island alone, or gained access to a brand new crisp flavour? Whatever nonsense you've been digging into, share it with us! Drop us an email over at [e-mail] or a message on our Instagram/Twitter @lukeandpeteshow. THANKS! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

it's the mother flipping luke and peach it's a thursday i do hope you're keeping well we are still sunning ourselves on the shores of the looking picture fourth birthday celebrations are you still having a good time luke this is the week that we're celebrating four years uh in the habit any favourite notes points no happenstance no

not a single day has gone by that I haven't regretted starting this what stage of the party are we at at the moment this is very much the

just looking at the vol-au-vents and the quiches and the booze everywhere and just sort of going I've got to tidy that up

I was going to say vol-au-vents for some reason the interesting thing about vol-au-vents is I feel like they've been really taken to heart by the British I've going to say vol-au-vons. Yeah. For some reason. I've never seen them that shit. The interesting thing about vol-au-vons is I feel like they've been really taken to heart by the British. I've been to France probably ten times

and I've never seen a vol-au-von. What does vol-au-von mean? I don't know. Vol-au-von. But I know that in English, kamikaze means divine wind. Right, okay. And karate means open hand.

Thank you. Doesn't it? What does vol-au-von mean? Vol-au-von. Have you used the internet before, Pete? Check it out. Pardon? Vol-a-von.

Yeah, I know how to say it. Yeah, I know. Oh, it's French for wind-blown. Wind-blown. Because doesn't souffle mean breathless? Right, so very light. I think it means breathless. Interesting. No, souffle mean breathless? Right, so very light. I think it means breathless. No, souffle means breath,

because a Buddha souffle, the film, means breathless. Nice. Yeah. But why don't you ever see vol-au-vents in France? Just one of the questions we'll fail to answer today. Have you ever seen one in France? Well, I've never been to a... I've only ever seen them at receptions or in Iceland,

and I've never been to Iceland. That's what I'm saying. They've been taken to heart by the British community if you walk down a really posh street in Paris where you see

all those patisserie you'd never see a volvo in there you'd see a French cheesy pastry probably probably not as

much mushroom action as you'd sort of expect yeah I suppose it's a bit like Chinese takeaway food probably isn't the food

that Chinese people are eating in China right Indian food as well't the food that Chinese people are eating in China, right? Indian food as well. British Indian food is just a nonsense. It just made it up. It's delicious nonsense. It is delicious nonsense.

What's your favourite curry? I like a danzac. Do you? I like a lamb. What I like is those meals that could have king prawn in, they could have lamb, they could have just vegetables.

So versatile. They just get the meat, fling it in, bang. Yeah., they could have just vegetables. So versatile. They just get the meat, fling it in, bang. Yeah. I always order the same thing. I always order, what we do is we do what you do for Chinese. But crucially,

we eat it through the week at mealtimes, not first thing in the morning. And we warm up properly to stop the tummy trouble, which then means we have to get the codeine. It's a slippery slope. King prawn patty-er, straight away,

absolutely delicious. Lamb booner. Yeah, cool. Butter chicken. Right. Cleanser palate. Cleanser palate. Some bargees.

Yes. You've got to have bargees. Yes, please, yes. Sometimes they call them pakoras. They do. I don't know, depending on what part

of the town you're from. Can I interest you in 16 poppadoms? So poppadoms is one of those foods, and I'm going to have to draw a list up of these one day, that I can eat forever. I am absolutely, utterly convinced there is a selection of foods

that I can probably eat until death. Keep the minty yoghurt stuff coming. Keep the mango chutney. Keep it coming. Do you like lime pickle? I wish you hadn't said that because I'm literally salivating. Whenever someone says lime pickle,

oh God, or Tabasco sauce, I'm automatically going, oh God. I always salivate in the crisp bar at the supermarket. Just the possibilities. My wife,

the wife I have access to, has got a real bee in her bonnet and she thinks it's hilarious how many different types of crisps

you have in the UK, right? There goes your spring again. The problem is the springs, it's too high here, but if I move it

down it starts doing the clickings. Oh, you know what? It doesn't sound great. I'm going to

use my chair. Oh, your chair. Think outside the box. Chair's too low. There we go. Bring them out to Mohammed. So my wife thinks it's hilarious,

the amount of types and flavours of crisp you get. And if you think about it, you go to continental Europe, you're getting paprika, you're getting sour cream. It's going to be a different named walkers. Yeah. And you sometimes get the ridged ones.

And that's it, yeah? Yeah. In the US, it's kind of similar. Right. You get all the corn snacks and everything, and you get the Cheetos and everything. But honestly, for some reason, the UK, according to what the Wi-Fi I have access to,

the crisps we have access to are massive. Wine-ranging. Massive. And I think I have been seduced into becoming a proper crisp addict about it. And this brings me back to my central point a poppadom is just a giant crisp

it is have you ever fried them yourself? no or even a prawn cracker they're very small and you throw them in the oil and it's very exciting

is it kind of cooked in a second it's like I think about how pork scratches might be done yeah that's a pretty good shout yeah

I don't think I should be using deep I mean I think I should be using deep... I mean, I think I'm an alright cook. But I've had people who are good cooks say they think I've got a bit of a natural flair for cooking. Right, okay, yeah. But I don't want to go near a deep fat fryer. No.

Look, air fryer at most. Is anyone else considering an air fryer purchase? That is the question. But they don't work properly. Hello at LukePetro.com. Do they not? Well, I'll tell you what. I've experienced food from an air fryer

at a family function and to me You turned your nose up but you said get this filth out of my mouth. I could tell that it wasn't fried properly and I don't personally

think it passed muster. Oh interesting. I had some sweet potato fries that were fried properly the day before at a restaurant Gordon and beautiful

rustic food and I had air fried sweet potato fries by coincidence the very next day at a family function and I felt like it was far, far inferior. Yeah, okay. It just, what?

It wasn't crispy enough? It wasn't oily enough? Felt like it had been oven-cooked. Right, okay. Just oven-cooked. Ah, interesting. I understand it's healthier. I understand people make those choices.

Good luck to them. But for me, no, that's not how we're going. And I also would like to make a point to you, Pete, to make it absolutely clear to our younger listeners, deep fat frying fires were a big deal back in the 90s. Yeah, yeah. It's all anybody spoke about, really. You don't hear about it now.

Take your face off. Yeah. Because people don't deep fat fry anything anymore. They use air fryers or they don't generally. Because in our house, we'd always have a big pan of oil. Yeah, with a basket in it. With a basket in it, yeah.

And it would just always be there. Yeah, and there you go. It was just ready to go whenever you fancied to turn up the heat. Did your parents like... So unsafe. Did your parents chop

their own potatoes for chips? Yeah. Yeah, that was a proper thing, wasn't it? Yeah, they were pretty awful. Oh, why is food better now? I know, it is. And I think, so apparently,

the best way to make your home-cooked fries, we're getting back to what we talked about on Monday, but the best way to make your home-cooked fries slash chips is you take your potatoes, but you properly soak them, and then you pat them down, and then you put them in. So I believe I'm right in saying

that a lot of mainstream fast food places, they soak the potatoes, and then they fire them through a big tennis racket. You know that? You know that story? Like a gigantic tennis racket the size of a house, and they fire potatoes through them over and over again. And there's part of me that thinks,

what would it be like to fire a person through one of them? I mean you'd need a bigger one wouldn't you really? No these are massive I'm talking to you about like a 10 metre wide

by 10 metre high tennis racket so more than big enough for any size human being because you'd be getting some chunks that was the lung you'd get one chip

that was just pure bone I'm not saying eat the chips out of them I'm saying what would happen to the victim well I was just pure bone I'm not saying eat the chips I'm saying what would happen to the victim well I mean

they'd become chips wouldn't they but the chips would be like different there'd be a lot of hair

in your chip there'd be very few chips that you'd sort of go yeah bang that in the air fryer I'll eat that

none of them none of them no I'm saying none of them and I would say I'll go further than that

I'll say to the people I don't want you using that again. That's my son. Would there not be a viral video out there somewhere on YouTube of someone putting themselves through a... No, firing things at it.

Oh, right. A tennis ball. A tennis ball. A water bottle. Yes. You see these videos where you like the ones where they compress it with the big compressor. I do, yeah.

I want to see someone's hand getting caught in it. No, you don't. Yes, I do. Yes, I do. I want to see if it folds up at the end like a plasticine model. You said to me before that you like watching horrible videos

because it reminds us that we're all just pieces of meat. We're all just guts. We're all just guts, really. It's life-affirming watching other people lose theirs. It's not. My point is that people

don't want to think about that stuff, mate. Well, think about it. It's going to happen, mate. Well, I wouldn't have fired for a giant tennis racket. You must be surprised that I've got to 40 and I've not really damaged myself. It's amazing, really. No, I think you have fired for a giant tennis racket you must be surprised that I've got to 40 and I've not

really damaged myself like it's amazing really no I think you have damaged yourself you ever know how to fix it mate call Dean

but yeah no so I I would be worried that if I got a chip made out of a human it would and that's what we were talking about

that you brought to the table so don't blame me I wasn't thinking about eating them I was just saying you would get if it was a chip that was compressed

through the entirety of the body there'd be one chip that would be like quite nice it would be like muscle and it should be normal meat and you only get one

really long one in McDonald's exactly so there'd be one that is skull brain soft palate glasses

no no because it'd be in the middle hard palate soft palate trachea lung you'd be in the middle. Hard palate, soft palate. Would you take your glasses off? Hard palate, soft palate. Trachea. Lung. You'd be getting some ball eventually.

Awful. The world's worst turducken. It depends on your pose, doesn't it? I guess so, yeah. If you were doing a Saturday night fever, one would just get a little finger, wouldn't it? That'd be delicious. Gordon Ramsay afterwards.

Beautiful. Beautiful. Seasoned. Rustic. That would be the most rustic of the chips, wouldn't it? That'd be delicious. Gordon Ramsay afterwards. Beautiful. Beautiful. Seasoned. Rustic. That would be the most rustic of the chips, wouldn't it? Dear God. Anyway. Anyway. There's been a man, Luke.

A what? There's been a man. Go on. Unbothered by modern chip-creating techniques, this man has been living alone on an Italian island. This is a new story from a few weeks ago. So we wanted to get to this a little while ago. He looks a little bit like Gollum.

I'm not going to sugarcoat for you. He does look like Gollum. He's been living on this island by himself, an Italian island, for 32 years. Mauro Morandi, 81. Good innings. He's not gone yet though

he's been he's been living in Badelli off northern Sardinia since 1989 yeah and this story the kind of

angle on this story is that the owners of the island are forcing him to move right to which I don't

I'm just going to try and deal with this as delicately as I can he's 81 right he's been there 32 years yeah what's another

even if you throw up a hotel that's going to take a couple of years yeah reassess it then all I'm saying is cross that bridge when you come to it

yeah I'll push him off the bridge don't build a bridge to the island no exactly no I think it's a shame I think it's sad I do think he looks like Gollum but I think he's a man who is worthy of to the island. No, exactly. No, I think it's a shame. I think it's sad. I do think he looks like Gollum,

but I think he's a man who is worthy of respect. The island looks absolutely beautiful. It does, doesn't it? And I can see why they want to build a hotel on it to completely ruin and decimate the landscape, harvest and hoover up all the natural resources and further contribute to the destruction of the planet. It's got pink sand, Luke.

What's that about? Prawns? If you own the island, I guess you can do what you want with it, I suppose, within reason. Pink sand is an interesting one. My wife collects, the wife I have access to collects sand from all over the world. We have jars of it in shelves in our flat. And in Bermuda, they have pink sand.

And one thing that that collection of sand and all these little mason jars in our house has taught me is that you will be surprised how different sand looks everywhere if I took you to Brighton Beach and I took you to give me another beach

very quickly it's similar Sandy Cornwall Cove yeah that's not even a beach Sandy Tuxvick Sandy Tuxvick

if I took you to Brighton Beach actually that's a shit example that's a terrible example because it's a rock bloody there's no sand on there yeah okay I'm taking you to Sandy Tuxvick Beach yeah it's a shit example. That's a terrible example because it's a rock bloody there's no sand on there. Yeah.

Buddy. Okay. I'm taking you to Sandy Toxfig Beach. Yeah. It's a generic beach in where she's from? Denmark. And I'll take you to Cornwall.

Yeah. Right. You're going to say, and I mean, I physically do this. Whoa, this sounds so different, baby. No, you're not. That's the point.

Whoa. That's the point. What? Oh, it's the same. Let me get to it. Right. I'll take you to Newquay. Okay.

I'll say, have a look at that sand beach. Yeah, okay. Take it in. Take it in. Right? Yeah. If you're going to go for a piss, go for a piss in the water.. I'll take you to Newquay. Okay. I'll say, have a look at that sand pit. Yeah, okay. Take it in. Take it in. Right? Yeah. If you're going to go for a piss, go for a piss in the water.

And I'll take you to Denmark, and there's a beach there. Yeah. And I'll say, look at it. Whoa. And you're going to say, unless it's a volcanic beach, like Piha in New Zealand or Iceland, you're going to say, okay, that looks the same. That's the fucking same, mate. What have you brought me to tourist places?

Such a waste of electricity and fuel. Who speaks like that? I don't know. Sandman. If I get the sand from those two places and put them in jars next to each other, you will have your mind blown because they'll be different.

Not just in colour, but in shape, in structure. Right. And that is part of the reason why you get, I don't know specifically about Brighton Beach, that might well be a man-made beach,

but the point is, in theory, in however many years' time, that Brighton Beach that might well be a man-made beach but the point is in theory in however many years time that Brighton Beach will become a sandy beach because the pebbles will be ground down so much they'll become sand

right okay let's start it now because it's quite hard to stand on it no it's happening automatically you haven't got to do anything

and I don't know why the pink sand on this island in Italy is pink it'll be something to do with the fact that it's got a high coral makeup or something like that.

But there you go. It's all just broken up animals and shit, isn't it, sand? And bits and bobs. Yeah, yeah. And then oysters. When I was sort of eating oysters, I always sort of feel a bit guilty eating oysters because they make these lovely shells over a very short amount of time.

Yeah, they do. And I couldn't find the video that I talked about last week with my cousins. Right. Oh, the shucking. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I couldn't find it. Never mind. I got my phone stolen last September, didn't I?

Yes. And I lost about 18 months worth of gold. Right. The peak folder took a battering. Oh, no. Yeah, the peak folder took a big battering. Unlucky. It's down to about 250 photos now of you in various stages of distress.

Distress undress. Yeah. And so that was about, I think I lost about 70 Pete photos from Pete folder. Never mind.

But look, we move, we go again. This does not slip. I did send a message to one of my wife's cousins in the US about getting me another

Oyster video, but he's so far failed to acknowledge it. Right. Because he's got a proper job and he probably looks at his phone twice a day like to acknowledge it. Right. Because he's got a proper job and he probably looks at his phone twice a day like a normal person.

At some point he'll get back to me, I'm sure. If not, I'll see him in November. We'll work it out then. Lovely old job. Well, we're going to take a short ad break because we've got some shells to shuck and we'll be back with some more on the competing show very soon.

Bernie Katz was fun, he was kind When he walked in, the room just lit up And there was something magical about this young man That just had a glint in his eye That didn't give a shit about anything But loved everything My first impressions were of a huge, vibrant And outgoing personality

All hugs, grins, extravagant language and wild attire. Always in a leopard skin jacket, whirling around like a windmill. I don't know, it's just a character. I don't know if those people exist anymore. They're sort of dying out. Everything's changed. It is a bank holiday weekend in London, the late summer of 2017. The streets around Kentish Town, just north of the city and halfway towards Hampstead Heath, are unusually quiet.

That evening, in a small, converted flat, just a 15-minute bus ride from King's Cross Station. Bernie Katz, pocket-sized and long-standing front-of-house manager of London's Groucho Club, is found dead by his landlords. I said to him, what happened? And he said, we are not talking about it. And yes, there have been the rumours, we've all heard. I mean, what did I hear specifically?

That he was murdered. His relationship with his father was so toxic. He hated the idea that his son was gay. His dad was a proper gangster. Then he came down, there was a car far from him. Guy blows his dad's head off. They're all part of the same fetid, seething, self-referential nest of vipers

that I think the Groucho had become. Was Bernie depressive? I think yes. When alone, a condition he rarely sought, he had demons that flew about his head. I get a call from Bernie and he is in £20,000 of the debt with the Albanian gangsters in Soho. We all collected and paid the debt. The way that the Albanians operate is very,

very peculiar because they did not operate like any other mafia in Europe. I've never been able to establish exactly what happened and why, but whatever it was, it was so wrong. Bernie, who killed the Prince of Soho? Listen now. A Stack Production. Available wherever you get your podcasts. It's the motherflippin' Luke and Pete show. It's Thursday, and if you want to get to the show, it's hello at lukenpeachshow.com.

Battery brands. We want to know your battery brands. We want to know what's your favourite beach I'm freestyling here and I'm panicking I've got nothing I've got nothing and something that's

going to add to the excitement is that I just got an email through live on the show saying that in 16 minutes time they're going to test the fire alarm so we've got to get Okay alright

let's rush that out there yeah we'll be fine we've got enough time yeah we've got enough time the battery brands this week are slightly disappointing there is Django Freeman

sent in Nan Feng not a new player not a new player Alex Gordon sent in New Leader absolutely not a new player should be a fine thing and not even

not even Super Lusties no sent in by Act Connected have they're all old fashioned we've seen those a million times before

Super Lusties got cancelled they did did got cancelled they did did they really they did get cancelled because being super lusty probably problematic if you do it in the wrong way

yeah because people are not putting up with shit anymore how lusty are you out of ten I'm pretty

regularly lusty I'm pretty lusty in the right sphere pointed at the right person yeah shut up and what level do you have to be

to be super lusty do you think I don't know I think you've got a roving eye and that is why she's sad as far as my soul

what song is that that is Living Doll by Cliff Richard which finger Cliff be careful he's a fucking weirdo yeah

and that's not liable it's just you look at him and you go what's that about very strange I think he's getting younger he's getting younger

I like the fact that he he doesn't really take his shirt off in his calendars anymore it's very upsetting I hated the the Wimbledon thing yeah you did you go on

you go on I hated everything about it yeah you really didn't care for it did you I cannot abide it yeah I it was my first single I ever bought on vinyl was I hate everything about it yeah you really didn't care for it did you I cannot abide it yeah I it was my first

single I ever bought on vinyl was Livin' Doll Livin' Doll with the young ones absolute banger of a song

it's definitely one of the more take a look at the hair it's real that's so was that Vivian no that was Rick

oh yeah it's real how can how can he die when we still have his poems I used to do that didn't I I used to do the Rick

young ones and the old ramble recorders hands up who likes me and you'd all put your hands down yeah I still remember that emails hello at lukeandpeachshow.com

yeah fucking hell hello at lukeandpeachshow.com is the email address to send stuff in at lukeandpeachshow is the twitter address to send stuff in. At Luke and Pete Show is the Twitter and the Insta. Please do better on your battery brands.

This week's been very disappointing. Buy more electronics. The problem is the flow of electronics probably through the Suez Canal and other places

and, you know, people are finding it harder to get consumer electronics. Everything's being bought up. There's a shortage of microprocessors and superconductors and stuff. And maplins. And maplins. There's no shortage of microprocessors and superconductors

and stuff. And maplins. And maplins. There's no more maplins. What place are maplins? Oh God, where was I? I was in Finchley.

Empty, was it? Empty. It was so sad. But they still had the veneer. Yeah. Still had the fascia.

Yeah, and obviously the memories will live on. Disco balls. Shout out to Lewis who emailed in proof of a 40 mile walk.

Whoa. I asked last week about the walks. It took him 11 hours and he accidentally took in a cruising spot apparently. 40 miles is very

good. 71,000 steps it was. If you just think out a cruising spot and because we've only had an 80 kilometre so

we can't even entertain that as being a worthy entry to the annals of this. Would you sort of stick around just to see what was going on? Lest you be pulled in like a proof though to the annals of of this yeah would you sort of stick around just to see what was going on

lest you be pulled in like a tractor beam to the action do you remember when do you remember when we had that story of that guy who stumbled upon two men

having sex publicly and it gave his dog a limp well he claimed it gave his dog a limp yeah yeah yeah just the weirdest story yeah

I remember I remember there was a guy, I've said about him on the show before, there was a guy at Charing Cross every single Friday night at around about 6pm. That guy. He would always be at the Ryan Hall closets

to the furthest away from the door and he'd just be going for it by himself and just smiling at everyone. Look, it's Friday night, baby. It's the freaking weekend. I mean, that is a crime, though. It is a crime. It is, yeah. It is, baby. It's the freaking weekend. I mean, that is a crime though. It is a crime. It is.

Yeah, it is. Yeah. And, and Charing Cross Station as well. It was like the main toilet in Charing Cross Station.

Yeah. Yeah. Is that why I don't have, is that why you have to pay for toilets now? What, like a, like it's a,

what the butlers are kind of situation. No, you have to pay to get in, don't you? You have to pay to get in. Yeah, it's a disgrace.

So he's probably thinking I've paid my 20p. I'm not only spending a penny. Yeah, I'm going to give myself a little treat. Fair dues. I don't you? You do, yeah. It's a disgrace. So he's probably thinking, I've paid my 20p. Not only is spending a penny. Yeah, I'm going to give myself a little treat. Fair dues. I don't think it is fair dues, is it? It's not fair dues. No, you shouldn't be doing it.

You shouldn't be doing it. Go and do it, kids. Go and do it. I wonder how pleased Adam, our friend Adam will be, being an emailer off the back of that chat. Yeah. Adam, this is no way related

to what we've just been talking about, but this is the email we're going to read out today. See Adam doing it. There we go. I knew you were going to get that, Adam. Adam. I would have apologised, but it would mean nothing. I've seen Adam on a packed train just licking his lips at the boys.

Eyeballing everyone and licking his lips. Don't you lick your lips at me while you're doing it? That's because that man did that on the train with me. He was wearing cycling shorts and he was just kind of... Because I i'm a terrible people watcher i caught his eye for too long he started going and pointing at his crotch really yes how did you react well i'm married to him now that's how you met um i also once i was on a train busy train but before I had a car I used to get the train back down from Waterloo to Portsmouth Harbour

if I wanted to go and see my friends back where I'm from whatever back in the day and it would always be busy but the commuter train and everyone would go to Guildford or to Woking

and get off nice if you got a seat you were doing bloody well right and I think at one point I just happened to be next to the platform

as I got in now it's got in there got a seat sat on the table seat opposite a kid

who must have been maybe a few years younger than me and the rest of the train to set the scene the rest of the train is absolutely packed there's a couple of guys next to us on the table

all these commuters people having cans all that kind of stuff and I was tweeting a lot then right and I was bored yeah

so I was just tweeting right and I tweeted I was getting the train back down 9-11 didn't happen all that stuff

because you've changed now haven't you you used to do all your conspiracy theories hashtag inside job hashtag inside job crisis actors all that stuff

it's weird I never have been that interesting as you well know I tweeted I was getting the train back to to Portsmouth

and I got a lot of replies standard and someone replied saying I know you are I'm a big fan of the Ramble at the time and I'm sat opposite you looked at his profile pic wearing a mask

in his profile pic same colour hair as the kid sat opposite me well I'm in a dilemma now in his profile pic, same colour hair as the kid sat opposite me. Oh, interesting. Well, I'm in a dilemma now. I don't know. Did he look at you? Well, this is the thing.

If I don't acknowledge him, he's thinking I'm rude. I'm up myself. I'm too arrogant. You might not have seen it, though. You might not have seen that reply. Oh, what a dance. What a dance.

An hour and a half dance to Portsmouth Harbour. I don't enjoy that. It's stressing me out. It's giving me hives. What a tangled web An hour and a half dance to Portsmouth Harbour. I don't enjoy that. It's stressing me out. It's giving me hives. What a tangled web we all weave. But if it's not him and it's a prank, I'm going to look like a pervert.

Yeah, you're going to look like you're trying it on. So do you know what I did? Yeah. I did the eyebrow. I'll show you what I did. Right, okay. I'm on the train. We're pretending that I don't even know you. I don't even know who you are. I've not tweeted. And this is what I did. Right, okay. I'm on the train. We're pretending that

I don't even know you. I don't even know who you are. I've not tweeted. And this is what I'm getting from... I look up from my phone and this is what I'm getting from Luke Moore. Just a little eyebrow

like you would to attract a waiter. Yeah. I'd be pulling the cord and sending you to prison. Not on a packed one. No. You could beat yourself on everyone else in that journey.

So anyway... Whenever you got off, I'd on everyone else on that journey. So anyway. Whenever you got off I'd maybe ring the local constabulary. So I never found out if it was him or not. I did the eyebrow. No response. He thought I was just being polite

I'm sure. He was either too nervous to admit it or it wasn't him. I'll never know because the guy's profile pic had a mask. It was awkward.

It's an hour and 40 minute train journey. He didn't get off to Portsmouth Harbour. Annoying. I got off at Portsmouth Harbour. We got the ferry back to Gosport. He was on it.

Annoying. Luckily he didn't quite get in my mother's car. That would be too far. But having said that, I once had a Ford Mondeo and I was down the Gosport ferry and I was waiting for a mate

who said I'd give him a lift home after he came across on the ferry and I was parked up and an old woman put all of her shopping in my car because she thought it was a taxi. I like it.

And I had to explain to her that she needed to stop doing that and I suppose I could be convinced to help her take her shopping back out of the car but it wasn't really

my responsibility. No, yeah. But I did it because she was quite old. Yeah. So yeah. Could have had some free shopping, mate. That would be good.

That would be theft. Anyway, Adam. Thanks, Adam Adam at one point no what do you mean thanks I haven't read it yet thanks Adam haven't read it yet see you later mate

stop doing that on trains Adam he's on tenterhooks damn it he says just a quick one about the old man of mountain hill and fell names remember I told you last week yes

why they're all called old men yeah he said I've climbed up old man of Coniston many a time showing off with my family showing off again,

denigrating my achievement. I rang my dad to try and help Luke get to the bottom of why these mountains are named like this. Thank you very much for doing that, Adam. My dad gave me an old wife's tale about it being something to do with the oldest bloke in the nearest village, so I took to Google. After a bit of Googling, I found this. Old Man

is a corruption of the ancient Celtic Altmean mean meaning high stone and Coniston originates from the Norse name Conigstun meaning king's farm I've never been to

the old man of Storr that's on the Isle of Skye but Storr apparently means dweller by large and rough water again in Norse so in summary we've got the high stone

of king's farm and the high stone near some choppy seas I hope this helps Adam that does help. That's a brilliant email. Thank you very much, Adam. A lot of old men.

A lot of old... Well, the old man of Storr does look, as you're approaching it, like an old man's face looking to the sky. Yes. Okay.

Right. What if at some point his nose falls off or his features get weathered? Erosion. What happens? The ears get bigger and the nose gets bigger. Ears get bigger, hearing gets worse. Is that true? Yeah weathered, erosion. It happens to all old men. It does. Their ears get bigger and their nose gets bigger.

Ears get bigger, hearing gets worse. Is that true? Yeah. Oh yeah. Of course it's true. Have you ever met an old person?

It's not up for debate really that, is it? A partner I have access to has poor hearing, as do I, and it's beautiful. It's peaceful. It's peaceful.

It's calm. Well, it's frequently not that, let's make that very clear. Dogs, dogs going mad. Like, we're just, like, it's the perfect thing. I can't hear what she's saying, but crucially,

I do shout quite a lot. Yeah. So I do my best. I think, to put it in perspective to our listeners, if I sit in the studio seat with headphones

after you've been in it, and I hear the volume in your headphones, it is horrific there used to be a guy called Ian Canfield who used to do work on XFM

and he used to be so deaf that he had his he was like a rock DJ I'm like rock I like Judas Priest and shouting and Iron Maiden and stuff

and he had his own little headphone amplifier that crucially it was like this horrible little box that a radio person had built him that had just a ridiculous headphone amp

and they already went up to ridiculous you know 11 o'clock and it had a little fan in it because it got so hot wow how do I have a fan

for this amplifier wow and so so all the jingles and all the production goes through that as well yeah everything everything that you're

playing out which is you know you just plug it into the jack but wow that was loud. Did you get involved? No, I mean, I guess I was younger then, but fuck me, that was loud.

Do you reckon you'll be deaf by 50? There's a very good chance, yeah. I like it. You're already 40. I know. I think that I will probably very much appreciate any syringing. Oh, yeah.

They don't syringe anymore, though. They're not. They call it irrigation now. So basically what they do is they blast at various different strengths after you've

olive oiled your earwax. They blast warm water. Right. And look to almost like wash it out.

Yes. Well that's what syringing is isn't it? It's just spraying water into the gunk. I think it was a

suction thing before. They used to suction it out. I don't like thatunk I think it was a suction thing before they used to suction it out I don't like that I bought one of those little exploratory ear cameras

never do that never put anything in your ear never you just said find a syringe a medical professional can do

it they always say the tail I remember do you know something I had a piece of

literature like a leaflet or something from when I was really young from when my parents moved house and I helped them and I must have been about five

it was like a 1985 brochure or something and it had all these general health tips in it and I remember it it said in the leaflet itself the smallest thing you should put in your ear is your elbow and you can't put your elbow in it you can't even do that

that's the point unbelievable that's why you should never use a cotton bud. No. Never do any of that stuff. Don't put one of those candle wax things in your ear. Mental. They don't work.

Yeah. The thing about that, the ear wax candle thing, the ear candle, that's not even a fucking good idea. They've not even, if I look at that, my instant of reaction is that that looks mad.

Yeah. It doesn't even give the impression of something that would work. So why are people doing it? Yeah. Also, another baffling thing about ears, because I was born partially deaf. I had to have grommets put in.

I had to have an operation. What's grommets? Is that kind of to make the ear canal bigger or something? I think it's something to help encourage the eardrum to grow, isn't it? Oh, is it? I don't know. I've had them. I don't know what they are.

But the thing that baffles me, Pete, about this country of ours that we live in, is that if you go to a doctor and say, I've got blocked ears, do you recommend using Otex, which you can buy from a pharmacy with no restriction. It's basically hydrogen peroxide.

I think the idea is it's alkaline and your earwax is slightly acidic so it'll burn it off, basically melt it. And the doctor, I've had three separate doctors say to me, never use Otex. Just use olive oil, soften it, and go to a walk-in centre or a doctor's surgeon,

they'll do it for you. Why are they still selling Otex? Well, look, I would like to speak on behalf of the new sponsor for the show. Imagine that. Yeah, that would be... It's just weird. I just don't understand it.

Well, look, I'm sure it's been checked and checked again. And, you know, you've got, you would say anecdotal evidence. Even you would admit that's anecdotal evidence of a doctor saying, don't do that. Everything I say is anecdotal. Well, I just think doctors are just, they're just, they're fun killers.

Have they had a good day or not? Mood hoovers. Have they had a good day or not? Can I have, can I eat a load of Paramol and then drive a car? No. No, you can't even drive a car for you. Always saying no.

Always saying no to everything. Always saying no. Yeah. Can I stand on this bed? No. You shouldn't even be in here, Nii. Yeah, glue ear. It's apparently,

Gromit's fixed glue ear. Right. It's temporary hearing loss. It can affect both ears at the same time. It's apparently just your canal's a bit smaller than it needs to be because it can drown in its own gunk.

So I remember having to sit in a little booth as a very young kid with headphones on. I had to press a button every time they played a sound. Oh, nice. And the sounds were varying in volume about how loud they were, obviously. That is a graphic image NHS.co.uk have used.

They didn't need to cut into the bone to show me the cross-section of a bone. I think it's an artist's impression, Pete. I think they've used one of those chip machines. No, we've got to get out of here. We're out of time. No, I want to hear the ding, ding, dings. Where's the ding, ding, dings?

Oh, the fire alarm. Yeah, 1329. As soon as the fire alarm goes off, we're out of here. We're out of here. All right, fine. Let's just wait. Exciting little bit of peril, isn't it? Where's the ding, ding, dings? Oh, the fire alarm. Yeah, 1329. As soon as the fire alarm goes off, we're out of here. We're out of here. All right, fine. All right, okay, fine. Let's just wait.

Exciting little bit of peril, isn't it? You're all going to be waiting. What does this stack... Fire alarm sounds like. Sounds like, yeah? As soon as we hear the fire alarm, we're just going to go, see you and stop.

Yeah, exactly. But we're relying on screen works our building to be on time. Don't tell them where we are. Oh, sorry, yeah. It's really easy to find now. Stay away from my things. If people could be bothered to come here,

they've heard the right. They've heard the right to stab us. Chris says, Evening, chaps. I'm a bit behind with the show as I stall them up to listen to during the football off-season. I think the episode I've just listened to

was from January, where Luke told a harrowing story about a man collapsing beside him in the gym. You mentioned the defibrillators popping up all over the place for such occurrences. This reminded me of a scheme that BT run where you can adopt an unused telephone box

for just one pound and you can do whatever you want with it. The most common use for an old phone box is the defibrillator, but you can set up libraries, art galleries, and I'm fairly certain someone actually turned theirs into a pub. You can't get a licence for a bloody BT box, do you?

I've seen a defibrillator one. I saw one in the Lake District. Yeah, they're good, aren't they? Yeah, it's a good idea, but I didn't realise... Powerful. Powerful. Very powerful.

Really makes those muscles jump. But yeah, the electricity supply to the phone box is free of charge until the day comes where they went until they disconnected.

That's very community, strangely community-minded from a multinational conglomerate. Unless they disconnect it when you're about to use it. Good point. No, it's not. It's a battery-powered thing, the defibrillator use it good point no it's not it's a battery powered thing

the defibrillator it's not made it's not straight from the mains who wants to stop some drunk nerdy world grabbing it while they're walking around pissed cord mate

you've got to ring up and go can I get the cord for my mate's feeling a bit peaky every second counts though I know that's what I thought but apparently you know

it must be efficient you can't sort of ring up a mobile phone number and go Dave can I get the release code for the heart thing yeah

the code to get it actually off the holder to open it up I think it's just kind of you get it then because is there

a similar thing for life rings when you see them by the side of like lakes and stuff no I think they're quite cheap to replace I think defibrillator

is probably quite more expensive so the lake thing is every man for. I think defibrillator is probably quite more expensive. So the lake thing's every man for himself. And the defibrillator works, I've been led to believe that defibrillator works by stopping the heart

and expecting it to restart itself. Oh really? Is that right? So it's a popular misconception that it's used to jumpstart the heart. What it is,

I believe what it's used for is lots of types of different cardiac arrests mean the heart starts behaving weirdly. Irregular rhythm, doing what it shouldn't be doing. And the idea is it's almost like resetting a computer.

So you stop it and expect that you shock it back into starting up again. Oh, interesting. I found out recently I've got a right-hand-sided bundle block, whatever the fuck that is. I'm hoping this isn not going to be trouble

in the future did the doctor tell you that doctor told me that what does it mean it just means the passages going into your heart

one of them is a bit fucked but it's the not massively fucked it's not a problem really from what I've read but left hand side

is a bit more problematic right hand side a lot of quite fit people have it but that's probably not why I've got it. Wow. Well, I wish you all the very best.

Cheers, mate. I can't stop thinking about this fire alarm. I know, it's stressful, isn't it? Why is it not happening? Why is it not happening? Yes! See ya! Bye-bye! The Luke and Pete Show is a Stack Production

and part of the ACAST Creative Network.