The Luke and Pete Show - Dodgy Hairstyles We Have Access To

Episode Date: February 22, 2021

On today’s show, Luke gives us the full rundown on Pete’s assorted lockdown haircuts, before we turn to space to discuss the latest NASA rover making milky tea on Mars. Elsewhere, Luke tells us all about his school art class battles and we get to hear some exciting VPN updates from a listener in Shanghai. Don’t miss out!Get in touch with us via email over at [e-mail] or drop us a message on Instagram and Twitter - @lukeandpeteshow's the handle! We love hearing from you (most of the time).If you've read down this far, make sure to drop us a review over on Apple Podcasts. 5 stars will do. Nothing less. Cheers! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Action station. Action. This is the Luke and Pete Show. I'm Pete Donaldson. I'm joined by Luke Moore. I've got a dog looking at me, wagging its tail. Luke's got a sleeping cat next to him.

It's all going off like a frog in a fricking sock. Yeah. He's got access to a dog. I've got access to a cat. All the groups are covered. Exactly. And one day we'll get access to a dog. I've got access to a cat. All the groups are covered. Exactly. And one day we'll get access to a little mouse. If you were to put a frog in a sock,

I understand that's a phrase, but if you were to put a frog in a sock, is a frog's brain developed enough for that to be officially cruel? What do you mean? I said like, I don't know. Because you see people like pouring salt on their legs to make them dance in Chinese food and stuff. Where's that come from?

I'm fairly certain I've seen that, where they chop the frog's legs off real quick, serve them immediately, and then pour soy sauce on them to make their legs dance. That is horrendous. What a horrendous start of the week. The thing is, I may have confused octopus with frog and the frog with that one that dances with the top hat

and a cane in that old cartoon from back in the day. Peter, can you please just say something pleasant and nice and comforting to the listeners? Well, it is... We're recording this show mere seconds after boris johnson has announced what we're allowed to do what we're not allowed to do i haven't announced how well oh big news luke we're allowed to look at accordions but we're not allowed to touch them it's like they say about the definition of a gentleman there's a man who can play the

accordion but doesn't chooses Which chooses not to, yeah. And you're not allowed any haircuts until May the 7th unless your salon is called Sheer Lock Combs. So there you go. That's the news. I've got a, I'm going to call it a lockdown bouffant. I'm rocking Shirley Manson's hair from the 90s. It's sort of sticking out at the back back and I've shaved my chin a little

I started cutting into my beard to tidy it up a bit and I've done a Jim Camel I've given myself a little kind of Westworld moustache you have rocked many looks over the years and regular listeners to this show and to others will know that I've at times termed them provincial

hypnotistist you know disgraced master of coin in many times space pedophile but at the moment i think you're looking like you were looking like um henchmen like white supremacist henchmen's assistant in an american netflix drama it's a whole wing of the jail it's like a group you'll have the the the you'll have the the i don't even think i'd be part of it you'd have like the uh the hispanic uh gentlemen and the uh black gentlemen and then you'd have the aryan brotherhood gentlemen and i would be part of my own little kind of world i think i think you would you'd be the one sharpening the toothbrushes but you wouldn't be doing the shanking good good yes correct correct yeah anyway lordy so yeah we're coming out of lockdown at some point might be happening uh in may might be happening in june

either way i don't think anyone's going to be gone on holiday anytime soon what do you reckon lucky moa i haven't seen the announcement. I've continually tried to stop myself referring to the Prime Minister as Boris because I think that's what he wants you to do. It's what he wants you to do. Yeah, and you correctly called him Boris Johnson earlier, which I respect and appreciate. I told you before, I think he's got a tough job,

but I've lost all sympathy. I'm fed up of experiencing things through the prism of my spare room, whatever it may be, whether it be hanging out with one of the cats I've got access to, watching a TV show, working, not working, reading. Because basically my wife, the wife I've got access to, has to use the living room as her office. And that's fair enough. She's got a job that's much more important than me.

And so I am in the spare room, which is a smaller office. She's basically got the corner office. She's the decent employee. Yeah, okay. And I'm stuck in here. So to be honest, it's a little bit tedious. But I suppose there are people far worse off than me. And I started to just try and think about the good times

when we could go out and do stuff. I could just do something that wasn't a walk around my local area. Me and you could have had a drink, but we didn't have a drink. I'm starting to regret you not inviting me out for beers. That's what I'm saying. I always really shout at him because he never gets his shit together when I go, right, let's go somewhere. Let's fly somewhere.

Let's have a weekend in Belarus or something. And he's like, no, I don't want to. I just want to stay in London and have a beer. And then, oh, now he's got 23 days of holiday to take before March. So he's mugged himself off there, hasn't he? What's he doing? Nothing. He's just doing the same thing he would have done,

just with the laptop closed. Exactly. That's his holiday now. The holiday now extends to whether your laptop is open or closed. I've kind of been working on my own mental health, a little bit of kind of like calm headspace kind of thing. Instead of going through the apps and doing meditation and stuff like that, I've got myself an elliptical trainer.

I've got bad knees so i can't really run uh and uh you mentioned that you're on it last week or something you had to go back to bed it sounds about right um so i'm on my little i'm on my little trainer and and and uh and it's it's all right on the knees but i have been putting in the minutes i don't work very hard but i work very long right so i do an hour on it and i what if i'm if this before the ramble i'll watch much of the day if it's uh you know a broad in japan i'll i'll i'll do a bit of work while i'm on the cross trainer but when i don't have a show to go to right after the hour-long um little treadmill um experience i stick on a man who goes around Kazakhstan and just goes out to villages

and talks to the locals and stuff and goes over abandoned bridges that are just made of wire and wood and spit and sawdust and stuff. And I'm on this machine and I feel like I've been to Baku, Luke. I feel like I've travelled this way. Because you're moving. Because I'm moving.

And maybe sometimes I'll stick on like a video of a man who who films um you know the the the center of Rio de Janeiro or something and I will and I'll be strolling around on my little machine so I feel like I've kind of done something or kind of gone where even they've gone somewhere even though I kind of haven't and I've just been in a in a garage next to a mattress that's rapidly filling up with mold why are you still in the garage all the time are you only allowed in the house to do these shows well it's the weather is um cold enough that I don't really um you know I I could do without sort of being in a room and just sweating away and panting away on my little

cross trainer it is an undignified look for a 39-year-old man being on a cross trainer. I also think that people will be hugely surprised to find out that during this lockdown you still haven't got some VR goggles. I had some VR goggles and then I sold my VR goggles, but it gave me motion sickness, so I just couldn't deal with it. But it gave me motion sickness, so I just couldn't deal with it. Can you use, so for example, are there videos on YouTube that are set up and filmed for people with VR goggles? Maybe, like those 360 videos people do.

Yeah, because what you could do is you'd get on the elliptical, get the old VR goggles on, and you could feel like you were genuinely doing something different. Oh, don't say that, Luke. I'm trying to buy a house. I can't afford VR helmets left, right and centre. It's ridiculous. I'll stop you buying a house by just dangling items

that you don't need in front of yourself. Oh, Lordy. Did you see that there's a new rover landed on Mars? I did, yeah, and I kept on seeing this video that had been taken from the previous mars rover i think uh and somebody had added some sound to it like a sort of sound right um and they said it was from this mars rover and i got very excited uh but it was in fact just a video that someone had made of the previous one so i'm completely out of time i didn't even experience the last mars rover so uh

yeah what's it found is it been back any pictures yet or is it just kind of getting set up is it dropping is it putting all of its clothes in the cupboard and going for a shit it's just gone to get um just got gone to get some tea bags and some milk and it's got one of those um one of those boxes that um oh yeah actually you might i mean you haven't you're about to buy your first house right so when i bought my first house they they sent a box as the mortgage provider sent a box as a surprise of all these essentials that you'll need and they arranged for it to arrive on moving in day oh that's nice yeah i wonder if they'll do the same for the mars rover there because um and it had like a whole lot of boxes full of fucking money yeah no yeah it had like... I hope that box is full of fucking money. Yeah. Just a letter saying,

remind me how much money you owed them. No, it had two mugs in it, a box of tea bags, some milk, a teaspoon, some other bits and pieces, like a little travel size toothpaste. Right.

Nice. Yeah, so I mean, you can look forward to that when you buy your first house. Well, it'd be worth the ridiculous amounts of funds it requires to buy a house. The first, the Mars rover that's landed recently is called the Perseverance. And, yeah, it's sent back some stuff.

It's quite, I mean, obviously, I don't mean to denigrate an amazing achievement of engineering because it is undoubtedly that. But, I mean, there is nothing there. So, I mean, for the lay people like you and I, of course, there's lots of scientific information there. But for you and I, if you're watching a live stream without expecting to see something,

you're going to be bored. Well, Julia Hartley Brewer was saying, was sort of going, like, to anyone who's not from the UK. I mean, people from the UK should really know who she is. I don't even know who she is, really. She's just a right-wing troll. And what is her background? I mean, people from the UK should really know who she is. I don't even know who she is, really. She's just a right-wing troll. I've met her. What is her background?

Is she a journalist or something? Or a potato? When I meet someone, I don't tend to ask them that. So I don't know. What are you? Where are you from? Sorry, what's your background? I met her in an office once.

And I think she's friends, or she certainly hasn't worked with someone that I know. So wasn't immediately unpleasant to me she was perfectly polite but i find her output problematic but she but she said that um how come the mars rover is allowed to go to mars and yet i can't go around the corner she's a fucking idiot if she's volunteering to share change places with the mars person i'm sure there are many people who would take her up on that. We would not miss her. Anyway, I was doing an interview with someone a while back for a different project, and they were talking about technology

and space and different bits and pieces. And the guy I was speaking to said to me that apparently, I didn't know this, but Elon Musk has said that his ambition is to die on another planet. Oh, that's a nice idea. Would that be a doable objective? Because obviously he's, yeah. Would there be loads of bros jumping in front of the rocket,

stopping him? Don't do it. No, I think he's going to commit suicide up there. I just think he wants to grow old in space. Yeah, that's right. I think he said he might be on Mars or something. Yeah. He wants to go on Mars. Right, okay that's right. I think he said he might be on Mars or something. Yeah. He wants to go on Mars.

Right, okay. Have we solved the whole getting to Mars thing? Because when they were talking about the crash landing of this last Perseverance lander, it did seem quite intense. It did seem a little bit exciting how you'd actually get down onto the surface. Well, I think Mars is your only option. If you're thinking about going to another planet at this point um it's going to be your only option really so i don't

i don't think so i mean for example i think at the moment with um current technologies um it's about seven months to get to mars and i think the average amount of time that someone spends on the international space station is around the same time. Yeah. But it's going to be seven months just to get there. And I don't know exactly how this would manifest itself, but I'm pretty sure that your muscles start to atrophy and stuff and it's difficult for humans to actually kind of navigate it. Get yourself an elliptical trainer.

Watch a bit of Bald and Bankrupt on YouTube, man, going around Kazakhstan. They do do activities up on the International Space Station, but I'm not sure if you heard, Pete, but the gravity is different. You have to work a bit harder. You have to pump it up, not to the 16 level, pump it up to the 18 level and see how you go.

I find that, back to my cross trainer, rather than international space travel, I find that the cross to my cross trainer rather than international space travel, I find that the cross trainer lies to you. It says that you've done 1,000 calories. And I know I haven't done 1,000 calories, but it just lies to you. What information are you putting into it, though? Because it depends. I'm given the height, the weight, the sexual orientation.

It asked me a lot of questions it did not need to ask me yeah yeah like what do you have a beard yeah but but those machines just lie and and there's no real i don't think there's much kind of like uh um i don't guess anybody's kind of checking those out and sort of going well that's wrong you can't sell that but yeah apparently it's all very variable but i'm fairly certain i am not see, and my waistline definitely bears this out, that I am not doing 1,000 calories every single morning. Well, I'll tell you something now, though. I'll tell you something.

If I go for a run for an hour at the pace I'm comfortable with, I would probably burn, I'd say, between 900 and 1,000 calories, but I'm much bigger than you, and I don't really know what kind of effort you're putting into the elliptical. It does depend on effort as well, mate. Very little. But it either moves or it doesn't, I guess. It either moves or it doesn't.

What's your motivation for doing it? You just don't want to be doing nothing? I want to... Well, yeah, I'm 12 stone, which is obscene for my frame, quite frankly. Really? I haven't seen you in person for so long. How different do you think it's going to be when I actually see you in person again? You're going to go, oh, what, when are you next going to see me in person?

I don't know. No, I was going to say, how different do you think it's going to be? Oh, how different? I don't know. We're not allowed to hug, so you won't be able to fondle me, so that's fine. We haven't been able to hug for ages. When are we going to hug? I can remember i can vividly

remember when at any opportunity um back in the day if it was just you and me somewhere you would just take all your clothes off well that's not gonna i mean at corbett that's that's corbett compliant i would say if i'm taking my clothes off because i'm yeah i'd be fine okay it makes me all those days behind us that's all i'm saying yeah well the state i'm in i wouldn't want to destroy anyone quite frankly terrible awful business yeah i feel like that man i feel like that man who was um i feel like man who was pulled in for a vaccine uh only to be told that they only brought him in for a vaccine because he thought he was six inches tall yeah that's amazing wasn't it and he triggered the in for a vaccine because he thought he was six inches tall. Yeah, that's amazing, wasn't it?

He triggered the old phone call from the NHS for a vaccine straight away because his BMI was showing up as like 28,000 or something. By the way, did you see that guy in Amsterdam ice skating showing off and then falling into the river? Oh, yeah. You know what? I did, but I've got such a short attention span. I only saw up to the point where he falls in. I didn't know he fell in. I've got such a short attention span I only saw

up to the point where he falls in I didn't know he fell in I thought that guy's cool I didn't even know he fell in this is fascinating to me because I was

the reaction is so interesting because if I watched that video so for those who haven't seen it it's a man ice skating on a canal I think in Amsterdam in just a tiny little

pair of shorts and he's in good nick and he looks great but obviously he knows he looks great because he's ice skating on the canal in the middle of winter in just a pair of pants. And everyone's looking at him and stuff. Speedomic.

Actually, there's probably not tourists there. There's probably just people, local people, taking photos of him. Anyway, he skates and he falls in. Now, I think in my 20s, when I gave a shit about that kind of stuff, I think I would have been like, yeah, serves you right, you show off, and secretly

been jealous of how good he looked. But actually, it shows how old I've got now, that when he went in there, I was like, oh my god. He might freeze to death. And it's fascinating because it's clearly icy water by its definition, yet he seems to be okay with it. He seems to be able to get out of it okay.

Someone gives him a rope, he pulls himself up, and he carries on skating again. I thought you'd be in big trouble if you fell in that kind of water with no clothes on. Yeah, but I guess he's not in it for very long, I suppose, and he would have had to have continued skating because otherwise he would have been too embarrassed, wouldn't he? He would have been like, well, I've got to continue now.

I don't think a conversation has ever happened where someone said, why didn't you get hypothermia? And you said, because I been too embarrassed, wouldn't he? He would have been like, well, I've got to continue now. I don't think a conversation has ever happened where someone said, why didn't you get hypothermia? And you said, because I was too embarrassed. Yeah, well, you know, embarrassment, it flushes the cheeks, doesn't it? Yeah, true. It makes you hotter. Yeah. Can you ice skate, Pete?

I can ice skate. I used to be very, thanks to my many Saturdays spent down at the roller disc or I was quite an accomplished ice skater in that I did it twice and didn't fall over once. I enjoy ice skating, it's fun. I mistrust, I kind of mistrust even now anyone of our age who's a good ice skater. Why? I just think it's a bit of a weird how how do you get into it

well you just go into the ice skating rink and have a crack there was one at billingham it's like people who do martial arts really seriously well yeah but but martial arts i mean ice skating you only need the the boots and you can hire them but martial arts people invariably have owned swords and like used the belt system and hang out with kids down the dojo. I mean, it's fraught, isn't it? It's fraught. Have you ever been in a dojo? No, I've got no business being in a dojo.

What do you reckon a dojo's like inside in real life? I bet it smells like old pig. Do you reckon it's like a big mat in the middle with a load of art on the walls and there's a gun? Yeah, Japanese kanji on the wall and just soft blue mats on the floor that haven't been washed in years. And do you reckon if you walk in and they see you, they say, is it your first time in a dojo?

And you say, yeah. And they say, in that case, you have to fight it your first time in a dojo and you say yeah and they say in that case you have to fight and the gong and the gong is hit i've been to a bar in the doors it was a bar in shibuya that's got like a mma sort of uh sort of dojo thing but it's just a pub it's a pub where people can just have a scrap which is wonderful. And probably one of the few countries in the world where you could probably get away with just having a fight after a couple of drinks. Did you see actual fights when you were in there? Yeah, it was just people sparring and stuff.

But it got a bit tasty as I was enjoying my lukewarm sake. Did you get involved? Very weird. Nah, didn't want to hurt anyone, mate. Wasn't intuited. So hold him, mate. These deadly weapons weren't installed. You're more of an elliptical kind of guy,

aren't you? Ah, but they call me Donnie Bloodfeet, so, you know, just kind of... Also, what is it about karate and martial arts that, in my mind, is really 80s? Well, it's... It's quite 80s, isn't it? It's Bruce Lee, isn't it?

Bruce Lee, Hong Kong kind of action films, isn't it? Why were people so into Bruce Lee in the UK in like the 70s and 80s? Because he was just astonishingly ripped and talented and he took a paracetamol and died because he was so pure. No, he's actually undercover. He's actually undercover with the Chinese triad gangs. He didn't actually die.

He's undercover. Let's have a break, Pete. When we come back from the break, we've got some outstanding emails this week. This week at Stakhanov. On the Luke and Pete show, Luke introduced me to some bizarre animal warfare. In the 70s, there was a...

I can't look at the say this, but I promise you it's true. There was a war, an actual war, between rival chimpanzee clans that went on for over four years. Meanwhile, on Abroad in Japan, Chris is facing off against a natural disaster. To the same day that I'd run out of fuel, right, I was like, well, I made it in one piece. Thank you, God. And then like five hours later, the worst earthquake I've ever experienced. It was a 15-storey building shaking from side to side.

It went on so long, I was like, this hotel's coming down, and I don't want to be in it when it does. Listen to Abroad in Japan and the Luke and Pete Show, available on your favourite podcast player. All that, and a whole lot more at Stakhanov. And we're back, it's the Luke and Pete Show, part two

on a Monday. Do hope you're keeping well. Remember, no limits on alcohol with the new anti-lockdown measures. What's this? What's this? There are no limits on alcohol. You can drink as much as you like, but it has to be Midori. It has to be a green drink Midori. Is that melon flavour Midori?

I believe it is, yeah. I think it's japanese for green that helps that clears up that does help that does have a great deal i was just um this is a sign of the measure of the man i am these days i just frantically looking through the luke and peach show running order just to check i didn't miss any admin that nat will tell me off for later if i didn't do it hello at luke and peach.com to get into to get in touch, at LukeandPeteShow on Instagram and Twitter. Did you used to know a lot of kids when you were younger used to eat paper? I used to eat paper.

Sugar paper. Remember they used to call some paper sugar paper, and it was like stuff you'd use in art class. And it never tasted like sugar, but it didn't stop you trying. No, sugar paper is what they used to put on the bottom of macaroons, coconut macaroons, edible paper. Yeah, yeah, edible, yeah, exactly. But sugar paper you used to have also in art class,

and it was this kind of thin, saturated with kind of like Prussian blue or probably something much cheaper than Prussian blue dye. It used to have it, yeah, in art class. Do you remember that paper where it used to have it yeah in art class and remember that do you remember that paper where it used to be yellow if it was left out or maybe when it came out of the when it used to come out of the packet we used to be bright yellow and then it would fade over time remember that yeah vaguely i do yeah weird yellow paper from back in the day i i yeah i do remember eating a lot of sugar paper thinking it would taste nice. The two things I remember about art class,

one is that I used to like it even though I was terrible at art because you used to be able to listen to the radio in the class. The teacher would let you. The second was a ridiculous running battle between a guy who was a bit of a bully called Craig,

who I actually saw down the local pub a few years ago he didn't recognize me but he was exactly the same as he was in art class at 15 at the age of 35 um just pissed and and he had a big running battle with another guy who was just like a normal guy in our class who had been on holiday to i don't know like universal studios florida or something and claimed that he had got jean-claude van damme's autograph but he never produced it and craig just wouldn't let it go and every single week in the art class to have a big arm wrestle and a big ruck about whether you're going to supply the jean-claude van damme autograph or not and he never did and i don't know why he just didn't do one and pretend it was that

to let him to get away with it but that's they're the only two things i remember art class what about you um well i i what i would say is that that if you um if you are jean-claude van damme um obviously um you're going to hang out at universal studios yeah it doesn't make any sense children have a really sort of silly idea about what the different things are. Yeah, they were all hanging out there. Because we solved that lie. We solved that Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone and stuff. I saw Mickey Mouse.

Exactly. So you just assume that those kind of characters hang out at Universal Studios, the most magical, scary, wonderful characters. Although obviously pedants, that would be Disney World, not Universal Studios. Okay, right, fair dues. Yeah. Anyway, have you got an email there, Peter? I do have an email.

Sorry, I've not read one out, have I? Hello to James Ng. Hello, James Ng. As a Shanghai-based listener, I'm happy to confirm that I am able to download the Luke and Pete show with or without my VPN switched on. Hooray! That's good. So, yeah, we don't have to have a VPN switched on.

Back in 2019, a certain British newspaper with a prominent football podcast got blocked in China as a result of its coverage of the 30th anniversary of the Tiananmen Square Massacre. As I didn't have a VPN on my phone at the time, I stopped listening to their podcast, but the Ramble was always available, so I've been a one football podcast man ever since.

We have so far evaded the attentions of the Chinese Communist Party. Thanks for the show, guys. Hearing your British voices bantering on Luke and Pete. Are we bantering, Luke? Oh, no. Are we bantering? I don't know. I think my style of talking, people think I'm always bantering.

Right, okay. You're quite adversarial. Do you think I am? I don't mean to be that's the thing that's why i'm so unpopular online i think people just think i'm always arguing but i think it's just my style check me out online guys uh best wishes from shanghai and happy year of the ox james what what yeah were you born in on the old chinese i was literally having that conversation with um with mimi the other day i think day. I think I'm a metal monkey. Where does metal monkey come from?

Because the monkey is the year and there's elements attached to it and stuff. Oh, nice. Okay. I think I might be a cock. What about you? I think I might be a cock. If you're 81, you're a rooster. Oh, cool.

Yeah, rooster. Lovely. I'll take that. Doesn't matter what. I don't care what metal would I be. Probably like a radioactive one or something. I'd like that. Big radioactive rock.

Yeah, I'd go along with that. I think that's probably right. Thank you. All right. Let's get out of here, Peter. Let's do it. Yeah, we'll be back on thursday where we will be living in a slightly nicer place because it will be slightly warmer and it got warmer past couple of days it's been nice bloody freezing last week i've enjoyed it

apologies lovely wasn't it the weekend was blooming lovely luke uh we'll be back on thursday with more of this nonsense bantering and the like and if you'd like to get a description of the show it's really really simple

hello at lucanpeteshaw.com you can also find us on Instagram at lucanpeteshaw and on Twitter it's the same handle you big dingus this was a stakhanov production and part of the acast creative network