The Luke and Pete Show - Doorstep surprise

Episode Date: May 18, 2020

Today’s episode features lost Deliveroo orders, a man plagued by his next door neighbour’s disgusting habit, and drag racing in electric cars. That's right, it’s another eclectic week on the Luke and Pete Show!Also on this episode, we discuss career-ending behaviour, Jumanji and the Whittlesey Straw Bear Festival.Plus, the email section has us reminiscing about some classic 90s drinks, and we hear from a man whose dad has gone to unspeakable lengths to avoid paying the full price for printer cartridges. It can only be described as ultimate dad behaviour.We’d really love to hear from you, so get in touch with the show at [e-mail]!***Please take the time to rate and review us on Apple Podcasts or your preferred podcast provider. It means a great deal to the show and will make it easier for other potential listeners to find us. Thanks!*** Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

it's the luke and pete show it's a monday we are pete and we are luke we are very much the symptom of a high skill economy pretty patel's a dream aren't we luke um i don't even know what that means how you doing we're just skilled workers doing podcasts yeah sort of i mean i was just writing down a couple of notes about the time codes like i normally do uh to make it easy for the edit and i thought i've got another 10 seconds here because pete will do the intro and then all of a sudden i heard my name which is chilling for those who don't broadcast, that is chilling, particularly in a live environment where you just hear your name. You go, oh, you know what I mean? So I don't understand the question, but do I think of myself

as a skilled worker? No. Do other people do that? That's up to them, their own decisions. Exactly. Different decisions for different people. Leave me out of it. Leave me out of it.

I'm trying to write fucking time codes down. Yeah. Lots of stuff goes on. I mean trying to write fucking time codes down. Yeah. I mean, what was the time code there? Just start. It's starting now. We start at eight seconds in, and there's a format that I send over to the lovely Katie, which in theory makes it easy for her to edit,

but I've since realized that she's so good, she doesn't actually need it. But like an elderly relative, it makes me feel useful. Yeah, I think she could probably, if she's not listening to eight seconds of the product i'd be worried she doesn't listen the first eight seconds i'd be worried that other things are slipping through the net she'll fit right in exactly exactly among our listeners we've done like a lot of podcasts so the ramble and obviously luke and peach sure and others um there's been surprisingly few career-ending F-ups,

haven't there? I mean, I've always been very surprised, but the ones that do slip through are always a little bit problematic. But the fear never goes away. That's the key bit. I think that's probably why... The fear goes away is problematic, isn't it? Yeah. Well, yeah, exactly.

There haven't been any career-ending ones because we're still here and still have a semblance of a career. But the fear never leaves you. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night thinking, oh, God, what about that? And then generally speaking, it tends to be okay. I think it's probably because we don't say anything interesting enough for people to take exception to.

So that's probably the secret. And we're not like a right-wing kind of exciter of people, let's say, enjeu-profokateur, in that we actually mean the things we say. So we're probably... I won't let you become the character that you want to become. All I want to do is sell survival kits on the website. You won't let me.

Yeah, big... I did like the... Who was the Infowars guy who flips out all the time? Alex. Alex. Alex. Good Alex. He was flipping out about one. I'm going to eat my neighbor.

I'm going to eat my neighbor. You think I'm not going to feed my neighbor to my kids? But he did make the caveat that he does have a lot of food in the house. And it's all those tins. It's all those big tins they sell on American television. It goes properly his tins. It's all his big tins they sell on American television. It goes properly over the top. At one point, there's one bit where he says that if you go to Washington, D.C. Because he knows most of his listeners haven't been to D.C.

If you go to D.C., you can literally see some of the politicians crawling out of cracks in between rocks. And they're all gray and their skin's all lizard-like. It's like, where's that come from? As a broadcaster, you definitely occasionally cross over from saying something about something else and then it crosses over and becomes

something about you. And I feel like Alex Jones did that about 15 years ago and nothing's changed. I just can't imagine him snapping of like snapping out of his thing and then going home to his kids in his big old mansion. I just can't imagine. That's when it became complicated, wasn't it, Pete?

Because there was a custody battle for, I believe, his children with his wife and he divorced his wife or his wife divorced him. And obviously a sad affair, particularly with his kids involved. But I believe his attorneys were arguing, because I think she was saying, his wife divorced him and obviously a sad affair, particularly with his kids involved. But I believe his attorneys were arguing, because I think she was saying, his wife was saying, look at this, this makes him unfit to have custody of children. And his attorneys were arguing that it's all just a performance.

Right. Which I guess undermines what he's doing. So it's a bit of a rock and a hard place for him. And the rock is full of lizards. Exactly. And speaking of the rock, I mean, that very much reminds me of when the WWE had to state for the record

that it's sports entertainment and not a legitimate sport so that Vince McMahon didn't have to pay all of that tax. Something that's in the territory normally occupied by several religious leaders. Everyone's got very, very

sort of like highfalutin kind of ideas about their product until money comes into the equation, haven't they? Yeah, how do we get out of this? What's our play here? Why don't I get as much respect as the owner of an NFL franchise?

Yeah. Oh, if I pretend it's not sport, I don't have to pay tax. All right, fine. It's not a sport. It is all nonsense, my paper house. I'm not the Wolfie smith there's a reference for the teenagers there that you are pete when it comes to uh this kind of issue but one thing it

does boil my piss is i live quite near dulledge college which is one of the most expensive private schools in the country and uh it's a beautiful place i mean i i don't begrudge um children having an amazing education and all that all that stuff. But the thing that does really piss me off is that it's got charitable status. So I think there's something like, I think the most recent report into it in 2017 was that private schools save a total of between 500 and 600 million pounds in tax every year. And it's like, how can that be right? It just can't be right. There are serious funding issues elsewhere in the education system,

and that shit's going on. I mean, to be honest, that bores my piss. But I was going to take it in a different direction because as you said something to me there, I noticed that I was sipping a cup of tea out of my Straw Bear Festival mug. Did I ever tell you about the Straw Bear Festival? The Straw Bear Festival. It might have happened before.

It sounds very squarely in the Luke and Pete Shaw kind of cavalcade, I would say. It would certainly have a flaw in the parade, wouldn't it? Yeah, I've probably talked about it before, but anyway, it just reminded me that sadly it takes place in January of a year anyway, just outside Peterborough in a place called Whittlesea. And it's this kind of old fashioned,'m gonna use the word pagan but i don't know if that's the word to use about it's like an old traditional festival where a man in the village dresses up as a big straw bear they

march him through the town and he gets out of it first let me make that absolutely clear and then they then they set fire to it and um it was a lovely time. And it was one of those things where when I did it, I thought it was fun. I went to go see it and I took some photos. I went with my friend Duncan just to see if there's anything interesting in there for a potential little podcast documentary or whatever. And it was a lovely time. I had a lovely, lovely, lovely time.

But looking back on it now, it feels like a golden time. People outside doing stuff. Yeah. Well, I mean, I did walk past to the Arsenal Highbury. I walked to the Highbury District tube a few days ago and walked past the

green space there. And it seemed like things are getting back to normal. It won't be long until you get your strawberry. Yeah, but they're not going to have big functions, are they, and stuff? It's not going to be that. No, no, no.

You're not going to be able to organise anything. If you've got an events company, you may be in a bit of trouble, I think, for the next 12 months. I think Soho's getting back on its feet, though. I just picked up a coffee and sandwich order from Joe and the Juice, which has forced me to download the app so I can have a contactless situation there because I just fancied a coffee that wasn't made by my own fair hand. And I grabbed a bag and started walking down the street and realized that's not my order.

Took it back and it was a woman from Made in Chelsea. I'd have to Google it and I would spend too much time Googling the Made in Chelsea lot. But it was one of them. She was very nice about it, but I did almost get away with stealing a celebrity's tucker. Wow, that's interesting. It's one of the worst things around when you get a delivery or whatever and they drive off again and then it's the wrong order. Oh, my God. I know it's a first world problem, but I mean, it's annoying.

So at least you go back and change it. I don't think I've ever, in the last like, well, probably, I do do a lot of delivery, but like the last 20 Delos, I think four of them have had the right object in. Like they don't even care. As long as something's in the bag, they don't seem to care. I remember, I think I said it before, I spent 75 quid on, it was for two and it would have lasted me a few days,

so don't worry about it. But like, so certainly I have five quids worth of good excellent chinese food uh in the center of town and uh the the the person who delivered it to me just took it like he just he just went and just ate it himself presumably it's i mean it was a substantial order that's the last day on the job and he thought he could get away that's like i mean I mean, come on. It would have been too much for one person for like five days. It was a substantial amount of food, but not as much to, you know, sully your good name with the grip people would deliver. I just couldn't figure it out.

Did you get your money back? Yeah, eventually. But like you do, I don't do a lot of complaining, but at that point I thought, it's only 75 quid. I mean, that is literally just not getting your food. The guy just went off grid. It was like something that was Jack Bower-esque. I was at CTU, so I'm trying to figure out where this guy's gone.

He's just taken 75 quids worth of my delicious succulent Chinese meal. My friend Duncan once used to have such bad problems. He used to use his local curry house, and he um he was very loyal to it and it was a great curry place and he lives in bristol and he lived in quite a weird address you know it was bristol is obviously quite an old city and there's some different um sort of arrangements when it comes to house names and numbers and all that usual stuff and uh he he said to the ones this curry this bloke this poor bloke in a car he was just a delivery guy for the local curry house took him about an hour and a half to find a place and he said it got to the point where

it was so ridiculous he said i was i should have just got rid just cancelled it forgotten about it but i was so invested in it he said it got to the point where at one stage he and the delivery driver spoke on the phone so many times the situation had um declined into a point where the bloke was driving up and down the street with his hazard lights on while my friend duncan was out in the street looking around trying to find him and he said it was absolutely he got a stone cold curry like two hours later it's just ridiculous the farcical nature of that yeah it becomes very absurd very very very quickly. It's just like, I don't need this.

But also I feel responsible for the man who I've sent him. A couple of times during lockdown, I've sent friends little sort of care packages from their particular delivery. You haven't sent me one. You're so out of order. You don't even consider me a friend, do you? I sent you something in the mail, but let's not talk about it.

Oh, yeah, we can't talk about it. Yeah, you did, yeah. Fair enough. Alright, I apologise for that. It was a dog poop. But on a related matter, I gave the... I sent a couple of friends but I didn't tell them that I was sending them a care package of booze and food and stuff from Deliveroo

to their house from their local off-license. They weren't school children, were they? I wasn't trying. I've not been trying to... No, I haven't been trying to internet groom schoolchildren with food. But a couple of times I've sent them to the house

and they've not realised that it was me. So they just would staunchly argue with the delivery man. I haven't ordered it. I'm not paying for it. We're not paying for it. Yeah, amazing. Oh, dear. That's so it. I'm not paying for it. We're not paying for it. Yeah, amazing. Oh, dear.

That's so funny. Yeah, nobody wants the responsibility. Nobody wants the responsibility of the nuclear football, of a delivery of a bottle of Tia Maria. Well, yeah, I mean, I don't know if I would want a bottle of Tia Maria, to be fair. Listen, mate, over the weekend, I realized that, I mean, because the world obviously ended at some point in the last couple of months

and there's been other things happening. But I realized when I rang up Sky to complain about the price of my package and my subscription... I thought you were going to say to ring up about how shoddy their employees were, i.e. me, ten years ago. No, no, no. I rang them up

to say, it'll not be funny, but I haven't seen any Premier League for fucking weeks, and it's a disgrace. I rang them up and said, the package has got too expensive and i want to cancel right and they had the usual thing where they gave me a discount anyone who's listening anyone who genuinely enjoys tuning into just us two talking shit for twice a week is listening i if you are a sky subscriber i would recommend you call them up immediately and uh and they will always give you a discount because they're obsessed with having a certain amount of customers and they don't want to lose you.

We're both former Sky employees, so we've both got history knowing that that's the case. But anyway, they gave me a discount, which is great. And then they said, oh, because you've been a customer for a certain amount of time, we'll give you this VIP gift. And what it is, is you can have any movie you want and you can download it for free.

All right, brilliant. So I completely forgot about that. Anyway, Mimi and I were looking at a film to watch on Saturday night you can have any movie you want and you can download it for free all right brilliant so i completely forgot about that anyway mimi and i were looking at a film to watch on saturday night and um for some reason i really wanted to watch and i've wanted to watch it for a while that um that first remake of the jumanji movie oh yeah that's supposed to be good with the rock in it well i didn't know anything about it i just quite fancied it because i love the original and i quite like the rock and i like karen gillan and I like Karen Gillan and I like Kevin Hart. And so I thought I'll give it a bash.

And so we did. And it was bloody excellent. I have to say, I had such a good time watching it. It was so, so fun. Yeah, it's got a good – and I think the second one or the third one now. There's definitely a second one which we're going to watch next. It's got Jack Black in it as well. He's very funny in it.

It's just a very good, enjoyable, fun movie. And I'll tell you what, it's the first movie I think I've seen The Rock in, and I thought he was excellent. What, you've never seen a film with The Rock in? I don't think so. What other films has he done? Not even The Mummy. Not even The Mummy. I haven't seen The Mummy really, mate, no.

Mark on WrestleMania talks very fondly about The Rock's wrestling film career, and I also think, I mean, it only started to get good around about Fast and Furious. But like, the man is hewn from charisma. There's not a single film that you couldn't put him in and just improve it massively, I reckon. No, so what other movies has he been in? I'm going to have a look online now,

because I'm pretty sure it's the only one of his I've seen. There's one movie, Helicopter, about the big San Andreas fault. That's about it. All the Fast and Furiouses, Turner, whatever that side project is of that.

He's in beyond the mat. And that documentary, he must be really young. Yeah. Yeah. He would be. Yeah. Yes.

No, it's the first film of his I've seen and I very much enjoyed it. So I shall be definitely watching the second one. So if anyone's walking for a little bit of a fun escapism to watch and you're a fan of the first Jumanji movie, I would recommend that. I didn't have much hope for it. I thought it would be a bit throwaway.

And it was. It was popcorn stuff, but it was done well. And to be honest, Pete, you've subjected me to so many bad films in the last few weeks. It was a welcome departure. It really is. I'm trying to find – ah, that's right. Yes, I saw a film over the weekend called A Simple Favour

with Blake Lively and Anna Kendrick. That was a film that was very good. It had the casting director from The Office, one of the directors of Bridesmaids and The Office, and I think there's probably a couple of actors from The Office in it. And I thought, you know what? My new life of judging films and media on whether they have John Krasinski or people from The Office in it,

very much kind of like this takes a lot of boxes. Just watch the first half. Don't bother with the second half. Just watch the first half. You'll have a lovely old time. Yeah, it's really good, really, really good until the end. We had a bit of a fallout after last week's episode. I forget which episode

it was specifically that you claimed you could bench 150 kilos. Yeah, once again, I do this quite constantly through my

work in Korea. Especially to ladies on Twitter, on Tinder. Especially to ladies on Tinder. And hasn't one of them closed down?

Guardian Dating. For the posh people. Guardian Dating's closed down, I think. Pull one out. Rest in peace. They're posh people. Guardian Dating's closed down, I think. Pull one out. Rest in peace. They're cutting their cloths

for any listeners who met through that particular hall. That's the wrong thing to say. That particular vessel. Medium, I guess. Medium, yeah.

Sorry that you're... Because obviously, I mean, in their dating, more people have probably got involved in internet dating than not got involved

in internet dating in their dating life. So you would imagine that the percentage is probably, I reckon, I'm going to stick my neck out and go, it's 30% of people who are going out right now met on internet dating. Okay, I'll just Google it and see how close you were. All right, then, cool. But, yeah, so people, do you want to clarify that 150Ks each thing? Yeah, once again, but you want to clarify that 150 kg thing?

Yeah, once again, but it only makes the mountain. Is he called the mountain from Game of Thrones? Yeah, the mountain, yeah. The mountain, the big Icelandic chap. He was like 500 kilograms. He fucking deadlifted. Yeah. And I said that I'd lifted on the chest, which presumably is easier or harder, I don't know.

I said I'd benched 150 kilograms. I'd not done that. I'd done 150 pounds. People who go to the gym get really pissed off about that kind of stuff, don't they? They get really anxious about it. Oh, they really do. And they certainly let you know on Twitter about it,

don't they? So, yeah, I kind of got mixed up there. Pete, according to a recent survey in 2019, 39% of heterosexual couples polled said they met their partner online. That's not internet dating, that's just online. That's not, well, yeah. It's quite high.

I would say that kind of counts. Yeah, quite high, and I imagine a huge percentage of that is the actual dating apps themselves. Before we go to a break, I've got to tell you, Luke, something amazing has happened in the past few days. All right. Drag racing. All right.

Are you familiar with it? I've seen RuPaul's Drag Race. Different thing altogether. Okay. The first electric drag race winner has not been found in the human world. It's very much the car-based pursuit. Serious drag racing is now a little bit kinder to the environment as the first four-wheel

all-electric dragster has completed a 200 miles per hour pass for the first time ever. Well, that's awesome. It's good, isn't it? Do you want to hear what money actually won it? But did it make any noise or not? Here it is. Off he goes.

2.01, there it is. Sounds like a monorail. 2.01, 752, 2.01. Sounds so bad. Stop criticising electric vehicles. Yeah, first time. Steve Hough, his car's named Current Technology, made 201 miles per hour.

That is amazing, but it sounded like a monorail. I mean, part of the noise is what people like it for, isn't it? Well, the explosion of the... It kind of sounded like an exhaust, and then it kind of turned into like a... It sounded a bit like what Robocop sounds like when he walks. Yeah, it did. By the way, Pete, you just reminded me of something,

and I want to make an emotional and honest appeal to our listenership and also to you as well pete when i was when i was a kid this is just completely just jumped into my mind because of what you were talking about drag racing i'm fairly certain that when when i was a kid it might have been trans world sport which introduced us to the amazing world of kabaddi and load of other interesting sports from around the world but there was a sport where they had this muddy hill and people would compete to see how far up they could get a scrambler motorbike up it. Do you remember that? I do remember something like that. It was so good. It was such fun, but it's just disappeared. I wonder if that still happens. So

if you're listening and you know anything about that, hello at lukeandpetecher.com. It was a scrambler little motorbike and people used to take it in turns to see how high they could get their motorbike up this really muddy cliff. It was wicked. It was such a, it's pure sport.

I've seen sort of, it's pure sport. I would take that in replacing the Premier League right now. What, like a man trying to get a motorbike from a hill? I'll take it.

Kickstart. Super Sunday. That's a Super Sunday, yeah. Was it Kickstarter or Kickstarter? Kickstarter, I think. Beautiful. Because theme tunes back in the day, back in the 80s, certainly in the UK,

you could replace, you could move it off like a motocross show and move it onto like a pub dart show, move it onto like a Saturday Night Shiny Floor that onto like a Saturday night shiny floor TV show. The theme shows are kind of interchangeable. They all sounded like they'd been made by like a dueling pianist group from like a little boozer. But the thing is,

Kickstart used to be people doing assault courses on little scrambler motorbikes and you'd have Junior Kickstart as well. And now it's probably the name of some government quango giving disadvantaged kids a start as being entrepreneurs and that is why the world has gone to shit well kickstarter that's you know that obviously has exactly that's the exact career as an inventor's uh asking asking for money effectively well i think if you had gone down the kickstarter route for your infant chip bowl helmet rather than the patent route, you'd be sitting in a very different place right now.

Just wanted to get my ducks in a row. All right, then. We'll be back after this ad break and we'll be back with some emails. Your emails, in fact, not ours. Ours are just filled with like spam and do you want to go and do this podcast? Do you want to do this podcast?

Yeah, fine. Cool. Are you struggling to find something to watch during lockdown? You've drained Netflix, re-watched all your old favourites, and now you need something new? Well, we're here to help. Join us for Clash of the Titles, the podcast where two movies with something in common

go head-to-head in a fight to the death. Release the Kraken. fight to the death. Release the Kraken. Well, not death. We just decide which one is better. When they do a long shot of the crowd in the ivory tower, it's different to the close up. And if you look closely, you can see E.T., Mickey Mouse, Chewbacca, Ewoks and C-3PO. So when Wolfgang Peterson went to Spielberg and went, yeah, could you maybe re-edit my movie?

Steven Spielberg went, yeah, yeah. Do you know what I'm probably going to cut out? A f***ing T, mate. I made that. Find your new favourite movie or revisit an old classic

with me, Alex Zane, Vicky Crompton and Chris Tilley. New episodes out every Monday and Thursday. Clash of the Titles is a Stakhanov production. And we're back. It's the Luke and Pete show.

Episode whatever. We don't know what day it is. We don't know what's up, what's down. But we're back with another show. Detailing some of our favourite emails that have dropped into our inbox. Hello at LukeandPeteShow.com if you want to get in touch. Shall I start one, Luke? Please, by all means.

For once, I've actually got my ducks in order, as I mentioned before the break. Lockdown beers, fellas, as part of my ongoing attempt to commerce corexit, coronavirus exit. Oh, that's going to stick, isn't it? They're going to use that, aren't they?

Corexit. Yeah, they might do. They are. They should do. They should do. I'm going to be sick of that. I've listened to your podcast in reverse order to get to happier times because that's how my cast box plays them,

and I'm too lazy to reconfigure it. I'm now at Christmas where everything is awesome, and I'm impressed that you both have had the foresight to take foreign holidays before March. One topic particularly stuck my mind, that of appointment beers. My list stands up as this. Number one, train beers. Can this can of Thatcher's be drunk by Newport

or will I need a signal check before the station? Can I make this bum as red last me till Gloucester as I only bought four cans for the journey? Glad I'm not sober listening to the shite these lads are spouting, et cetera. Number two, got let out of Worley, got let out of Worley, which is work early, which is what I'm trying to make stick.

Got let out of work early, sitting in the which is what I'm trying to make stick got let out of work early sitting in the back garden but there's nothing better than drinking and thinking that you're getting paid to do it it could taste like turps and it would be great

I just hope they don't call you back in I do wonder what this man does what job would you have when you leave early get really pissed

in your back garden and they say come back in I hope he's not a doctor it does sound quite, it's either gig economy, it's either my delivery driver or it's surgeon.

Either way, problematic. Cricket beers. Too unfit to actually be playing cricket on a Sunday, Saturday afternoon. Sit there with an eight pack of dark fruits or a jug of Pimms if you're on Instagram, your sophistication.

What is this obsession in the modern UK age with strong, more dark fruits? Yeah, some people would even refer to it on Instagram, your sophistication. What is this obsession in the modern UK age with Strongbow Dark Fruits? Yeah, some people would even refer to it as a scene on Twitter, Dark Fruits Twitter. I don't get it. It's a youth movement, isn't it? It's probably their version of Reef

or the things we used to do. We're kids and stuff. We used to drink them. Bacardi Breezers. Yes, yes. What was the ice called? Smell of ice. Those kind of things.

And do you remember Mets? Mets, yes. That's, yeah, exactly the same liquid. Had an amazing advert, didn't it? Certainly felt the same. Beware the Jodder Man. Oh, yeah, cool. I thought it was the other product, but well done.

You just remember everything. It's ridiculous. Especially when it comes to late 90s adverts for Alcobot. It's quite specific. Yeah. Playing golf beers, number four. See also walking beers. If you refuse to carry extra golf balls and waterproofs,

you can fit at least eight cans of Magnus Dark in your golf bag. Try to start in the fourth hole and only drink every even-numbered hole and your golf game will be gloriously random. I've played my best golf blotto, to be honest. Getting ready beers. This is a penultimate one. This is basically just this bloke's life with beers put at the end. But I'm getting a lot.

Well, I don't think he's mentioned a beer yet, has he? It's all been bloody ciders. Yeah, true. Getting ready beers. Good chance of spillage and will often risk the wrath of your partner. He's got a partner, guys. Look, let's not write him off this far. He's a partner but we'll give you a bit of dutch courage for the argument uh finally for now sporting event beers overpriced flat may contain more water than

a five pound 75 strong bush should this man won't stop you can't make beer snakes and then they won't give you your power deposit back because it's not your original beaker and it doesn't come from this van better to watch the event you've paid £50 to be at and not annoy this section because you're getting up every five minutes to wait or go to the bar. Steve, in Pontyclun,

which I believe is a lovely part of the world. Steve, do try and make sure you drink a bit of water every so often. The train beer thing for me is slightly different. When I have train beers, it's almost exclusively

on the way home i'll have a trained beer or two which would mean i can have a delicious nod off uh and a lovely little kip i don't tend to just pile the beers on when i'm on the way to somewhere because to me that i mean i've i've been i've for example i remember once i was working i think it might have been an fa cup semi-final at wembley i. I think it was Liverpool-Everton. And there were some people, I always had to be there really early because I was working there. Stewarding. I was stewarding.

Stewarding. And there were, literally, mate, I'm not being funny, there were groups of young men so pissed, they couldn't even walk up the hill bit, the ramp to Wembley. It's like, you're not going to get in. You've come all the way down for a Merseyside Derby, FA Cup semi-final, and you are so drunk, you're not going to get in. That, to me, is a poor use of the train beer.

I would like to see you go down that road. That's all. Yeah, and in those groups, in those downhills, I've certainly been in a couple myself, and I've certainly not been the drunkest. Because you just know you have to pace yourself. You know what happens after the third. You know what happens after the third.

You know you get sloppy. You know you get forgetful. You know you put your phone down somewhere and you don't know where it is. This always happens. So just relax. Have one. If you think you can manage it.

But I don't even drink on flights. I don't drink on, you know, I'm not going to get on a flight for the rest of this year. That said, Slovenia's opening it, eh? Let's get the flights, fuck, Lukey. Let's get the flights. Your love for a holiday is so strong that you'll probably go on land

to Slovenia just for the sake of it. What about this from David G who says, Hello, Luke and Pete. It's been a while since you spoke about the most dad things. Oh, cool. Lovely. My dad is an odd human at the best of times and he has many scenarios

that could be considered the most dad thing ever, but I have whittled it down to this. Do you remember when I told you I called my dad once and he was de-rusting an anvil? Lovely. That is the most dad thing ever.

The need to have an anvil i've yet to encounter you know when are you ever going to need an anvil i think you're beating stuff out in it him and his mate um uh bought it off the internet for a fiver and then de-rusted it i think they sold it for a bit of a profit that's being mad isn't it sandblaster sandblaster yeah i think his mate has and this is you've never really lived in terms of types of beers until you've bought it for a fiver off eBay, then de-rusted it to make a profit beer. But you never factor in the time that it takes.

You get really excited, oh, I made a tiny profit on that. You go, yeah, you did spend three days doing it and you had to buy a lot of tools to be able to do it. Yeah, but my dad absolutely loves it. That's why. He won't see that as work. Well, I am a man who hasn't had a garden or decking or like a backyard for a very, very long time.

So the idea of owning a pressure washer excites me, but I'll need to get to the point in my life where I require one. But I think one step up from the pressure washer is very much the sandblasting machine. I do watch a lot of YouTube, full stop, but watch a lot of YouTube videos where men are restoring the natural beauty of like an old Vietnamese lighter and they always use to de-rust stuff

a beautiful sandblaster. Yeah. I mean, one thing I would say about the pressure washer is don't use that in the house. That would be a disaster. Even in the bathroom would be a disaster. Anyway, David G's dad, he says, my dad has many scenarios that could be considered the most bad thing ever,

but I have whittled it down to this. Ink cartridges. He bought a printer from Staples, but when the ink cartridge ran dry, he didn't just buy a replacement cartridge. He bought the same printer again because it worked out better value than getting the cartridges alone because you get two free ink cartridges in the box. Yeah, but he's – so he's thinking he's going to flip the other printer

and make a tiny – but does that happen? Cue me coming home from uni one Christmas to six new printers in the corner of the living room with just the cartridges removed. Goodness knows what he used 12 cartridges for. I was too afraid to ask. I think the only way that could get more dad is if he was listening to Dire Straits at the time. Yeah, that's

huge. That is a big, as Sam who works for Stegall would say, a big old fat vibe. Big vibe. Good dad work. Lovely. Just six printers with no printer. Never been used. Never been kissed. Just absolutely empty. He. Just six printers with no printing. Never been used. Never been kissed. Just absolutely empty.

And he's not even thought about selling them. He'll get round to it. He will get round to it. 100% car boot. My dad will go any distance to a car boot. You don't get good value for a car. You would not get any value from the car boot. Yeah, but he's got them for free, right?

Oh, no. He's buying them for the car. So it's basically just an added extra. I love it. I don't see how that could even work out economically because how much are printer cartridges? I know they're expensive, but they can't be that expensive. The cheapest printer is probably about 20, 30 quid.

Oh, right. Obviously, it's an informal licensing deal, isn't it, really? You buy that printer, you need to buy the official, or they tell you you need to buy the official print cartridges because they make it very very uh hard for you to use non-branded epson non-branded whatever you know brother the brothers still make printers like they're kind of in cartridges but like a lot of like memories from the late 90s was my dad uh with a little in little syringe trying to inject his print cartridge because my dad prints everything little syringe trying to inject his print cartridge. Because my dad prints everything out,

but him just molesting these poor print cartridges that just want to die. It's like just trying to find new places to inject the ink, like a supermodel really attached to the junk. Botoxing your printer. Yeah, exactly, exactly. Bloody hell. Have you got another email? Because I've got a hugely troubling one here.

All right, then. Well, shall we end with it? Do you want to end with your hugely troubling one? Okay, yeah, we will. Yeah, let's end on a high. It's from Toby. And you need to strap yourself in for this because it's weird. He says, I've been dipping in and out of old and new episodes.

I can't remember if you talked about British awkwardness recently or ages ago, but it was probably both uh but on that subject our neighbor has the revolting habit check this out of regularly putting their baby's dirty nappy on the front doorstep because they can't be asked to put it straight in the wheelie bin which is approximately 10 steps from their front door they often leave it overnight and it has blown all over our front lawn on more than one occasion because we have that special one-of-a-kind neighbor friendship in quotes i am far too awkward to say anything and instead just clear up the nappy every time hating them and myself a little bit more every time i do it has anybody else got stories of

bad neighbor habits or awkward neighbor situations? Cheers, Toby. Now, I get the awkwardness, and Pete, you are far more a friend of the awkwardness than me. I hope you don't mind me saying. I think people regularly probably just think I'm a bellend, but I don't have anything too awkward because I'm quite upfront about things.

I fully understand that a lot of time I walk off and people just think, oh, who's that dickhead? But I don't really have any awkwardness because I tend to address things kind of head on. This to me, even if I was an awkward type, this to me, I just can't imagine not saying anything about this. I would just say it. Basically, you've got to a situation

where you have one awkward conversation with another human being or you let them literally put shit all over your garden. It's ridiculous. There's so many facets to it. what a great concept for a video game you just gotta run around a garden collecting shit yeah and two um yeah i would worry again worry worry about the repercussions of this because this look ask any parent it's a nightmare raising a child. You're forgetful. You've got baby, but you don't know what the hell's going on.

You're just constantly sterilizing things for no fucking reason. It's just a nightmare. But I would say that if you started to, you know, if you got into an argument with the person who's just leaving shit all over the garden, that's got to be the tip of a very, very long and hefty iceberg. Like, there's got to be bigger shit going on there if they're leaving nappies on the fucking front door. It just seems very strange behavior.

They could be psychopathic, I suppose. That's the problem. And they've just made a new one. Yeah, exactly. It could grow up to be another one. I would have to have... It's very difficult to make a call because you don't know the people involved one. I would have to have – it's very difficult to make a call because you don't know the people involved.

But I would have to have – for example, my downstairs neighbors, Ed and Lauren, absolutely lovely. They have been isolating out in the countryside because they weren't in London when this stuff happened and because they were staying with one of their parents at the time. And they had to pop back yesterday because one of them parents at the time. And they had to pop back yesterday because one of them had a hospital appointment. So one of them came on his own

to go to the hospital appointment and they stopped in and left on the doorstep a load of rhubarb, some sourdough starter and some pot plants for us to grow some vegetables in. Hey, that's neighbourly. And people say London don't know that people in London aren't neighbourly. That is very neighbourly.

They've got a young son. They've not left one nappy on the doorstep. They just didn't want to put it in their food bin. They just thought, palm it off on the mugs upstairs. There you go. And you think that sourdough starter isn't starting anything.

I just spit. Just spat in some tupperware. Yeah, it could finish you off. I did have to actually say that, obviously it was for Mimi, not for me, because she's a fan. She loves the old baking. When he said to me on the old,

because he rang the doorbell and he stood at the bottom of the stairs to make sure we had distance. And he started explaining to me about that he'd left a starter. was like oh yeah okay i didn't really know what he was talking about i yeah people talk about their sourdough starters don't they but it's like it seems to be alive and magical is that not cockroaches no squid yeah you just have to keep feeding it with water apparently it can last for a very very long time but anyway um my advice to toby with the nappy is you've got to tap this head

on you know i mean you've already had baby shit all over your front lawn if i were you i would use the social distancing thing as a little bit of a buffer and just say look what's happening with this what's going on what's happening with the nappies? Do you want a little shoot? A little laundry shoot for your poopies? Yeah. Yeah, that's a good idea, actually. Or just consider flushing them. No! Actually, I've got a story about that, which I talked to you about on Thursday,

about people flushing stuff down the toilet they shouldn't be. But we haven't got time for it now. We'll do it on Thursday. That was the Luke and Pete show for today, Monday the 18th of May. Thank you very much to everyone who's emailed in or anyone who's just listened and doesn't have an email to send in. You're also very welcome. We're back on Thursday with more of this nonsense.

Say goodbye, Peter. Goodbye, Peter. And it's goodbye from me as well. this was a staccato production