The Luke and Pete Show - Eating Rollmops in a Public Toilet

Episode Date: August 10, 2026

A hankering for fish on a stick can take you to strange places, as Pete recently discovered. It’s a bleak tale, but at least he’s not turning blue like that bloke who kept drinking silver.We get into that on today’s show - plus, we devote some time to the work of Jimmy Cricket, consider Pete’s dad’s newest obsessions and cast aspersions on the effectiveness of the Heimlich manoeuvre.Send us your latest stories, questions and comments here: [e-mail] Luke and Pete Show is the sometimes ridiculous, always funny podcast with Luke Moore and Pete Donaldson: two men who have time on their hands and a good idea of how to waste it. Subscribe to get your comedy podcast fix every Monday and Thursday. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's the Luca Peach Show Monday the 10th of August I am Pete Donaldson and I'm joined by Mr. Lukumo. Lookimo. I'm still eating those hot dog buns. Oh, get through him. Can you just get through him?

Get them out of the way. Get them out of the house. Put them in the bin. I'd sort of, after my, after the asthma specialist said that it might be, it might not be asthma.

It's making me feel like there's a ton of bricks on me. I've just been popping pain pills like an old wrestler. I want you to get sorted out, mate. I want to get sorted out. And that make me feel better, but the problem is,

the problem with like pain tablets is, they do hurt your stomach if you take too many of them. So don't do that. Don't compound the problem by eating a lot of dry buns. There's a certain amount of medical advice that I feel like the medical

practitioners feel like they shouldn't need to have to give. Right. And I think you regularly flout that with your kind of approach to sustenance. What do you mean? So they shouldn't have to say don't eat 15 hot dog bars. Correct. I think if you were to embark upon like a properly,

and this is me saying it hypocritically, if you were to embark upon like a properly balanced healthy diet, do you reckon a lot of your problems would go away? Well, not really because it's kind of like I do eat quite healthily these days. days and I realize a lot of this podcast is just about but your WhatsApp output to me would suggest not well I only tell you when I'm eating rollmops in a public toilet which literally happened this week

yeah I've still got me can of super mall to finish off yeah so you got to remember from my point of view from our listeners point of view we hear we hear the headlines we hear roll marks in the public toilet it's especially left over Chinese it's especially curated kind of like you know miserable time. But a lot of the time,

I'll be eating off vegetables from the good people of hell or fresh. When I was growing up, I didn't think I'd ever, as part of my job, ask this question, but I'm going to ask it now. Can you tell us the story

of the roll mops in the public bathroom? Are you trying to find the bread, the bread toilet man? I got off the train too early. I got excited. I was doing something on my computer. Got excited, but shit, got up,

and then realized I was getting off at the station, to my house, which is not where I left my car. So then I had a two-mile walk past some of the very best wet fish shops in Essex. And one did indulge in. One enticed you in like a siren on the rock. With some delicious vinegory. What's it made out?

Is it cod? I don't know what a rawmops. Is it a herring? Is it a herring? That's right. Okay. Yeah. And I'm just eating with my hands a lot of rawmocks.

And I was like, oh, I do need a piss. But I don't really want my... I don't know why Roamops in the public toilet is... It just feels wrong. It's depressing. But they did have... I had sharp... They give you two, like, little sharp bamboo sticks.

They do, to hold them together. To eat the... To hold them together. And because it's a public toilet in an area of ill repute, there was a sharp spin to put your syringes. I didn't see you could get more depression. It just has. I popped...

I'll pop the little... through, they're in there like two little darts and went on my merry way. So I think my input food wise, I'd probably get on with the brown cheese munchers up in Scandinavia.

Did you tell the part you've got access to that you did all that stuff? No, I did send the picture to my dad and go, this is cool, isn't it, Dan? What are these saying? This is cool. No son of mine. All in Capable. My dad's obsessed with two things at this moment in time

and it's a little bit worrying that he keeps sending me articles about it because it may indicate a wider problem with his brain but he there was black old pit pool a converted sort of quarry slash pit that they just

filled with water and said there you go kids is a pool for you. When was this? And 60s I think. And my dad's obsessed with how how shit it was and how unsafe it looked. What was it cool, sorry?

I think it was black hole a black hole pit pool I think or maybe like a quarry pool or something I don't know it's in black hole anyway I think Pit Pond there we go yeah what was it my dad's obsessed with it it's clearly not enticed me in like a raw moth from the

from the cinder path into actually reading about it so that's where my dad learned to swim anyway and and also the you know like sailors used to get a rum rasset every day he used to get a russet he's obsessed with

the abbey abolition of the rum ration that they stopped the day before he signed up for the Navy and he felt like he was tricked. Was it the grandfather rule as well? So if you're in there before, you get to still have it. Oh, yeah, no. Yeah, yeah. It probably would have been, right, actually.

Probably would have been, yeah, you don't. If you've got used to the black tot every day. The black tot apparently existed up until Blacktop day in 1970. Yeah. And of course, you know, it was, 40, how many years? 46, 56 years ago? Yeah.

This week. Yeah, he said Black Tottee, the last daily rum ration was abolished a couple of days before he joined up in 1970. He was furious. Apparently, I was just reading about it now. Apparently, each sailor who signed up to the Royal Navy

had the option to be marked in the ship's book as G for Grog or T for temperance. And sailors who opted to be T were given three pints a day instead of the rum ration. Right. And everyone else got the rum.

Unless they were under 20, in which case they weren't allowed it until they turned 20. A buzz ball. They were given a buzz ball each. They're given a prime, can of prime. But apparently, yeah,

it was serving the Royal Navy right up until 1970. The reason they stopped it is because they were worried about people operating machinery and stuff like that. Right. I guess it probably...

Given out midday, every day. Yeah. Not bad, huh? That's crazy. Keep you going, isn't it? Keep you going through the afternoon. so your old man never got it

could have brought his own I guess yeah I don't think he was shot I mean he you know he always tells us about the time that he you know drank metal polished through a through a loaf of bread he could have used some of my hot dog buns to be honest

but um yeah but if you do get caught shot for drinking metal polished a bread a loaf of bread does filter out the bad stuff when you say that when you say that I was just put in mind of that that bloke that old droke who looked a bit like your dad

who used to take silver every day and turn it. Colise Silver. Remember him? I do remember him. He's one of those fellas who really does stick in the mind, isn't he?

He's constantly, because I think people get used to, if something fixed them once, they do, I think, continue to sort of take that thing. It's good, good for what else, you know. That's how everybody started drinking castor oil,

isn't it? Didn't really sort of do anything, did it? Is Castro the one for the joints? It's cod liver oil, right? I think castor oil. oil is just for illness general, in it? Cod liver oil is for the knees. It just seems like wouldn't it be easy

if you just rubbed it on your knees rather than actually drank it? Oh, so castor oil apparently is used as a natural laxative, a skin moisturiser and an industrial lubricant. It can't be all three. I'm not having that. It cannot be all three. No way. I didn't realize that mechanics have different,

different, like, sort of thick lubricants. that they use for different parts of the car, and they are stained a different colour for the different jobs they do. Tell us more about that. I don't actually not. I've got a very loud clank. My bread's in the way.

What is that noise? You move all your hot dog funds out the way. Different colours of... This is fascinating to me. I would suspect that happens. Here we go. Right. Right. White is lithium grease used for light parts.

like door hinges, locks and window tracks, and stop squeaking without making a mess. Red, or tacky red, red, tacky, used for heavy-duty tasks like chassis parts, suspension, general bearings, because it handles heat and water well. Red rubber grease is for rubber parts in braking hydraulic systems so the rubber doesn't swell or crack or get eaten into.

Blue is used for high heat or wet environments. Green, highly waterproof, highly tacky, often used for outdoor or farm machinery. Copper, and he sees paste for extreme heat parts like sparks, plug threads, brick, fittings and exhaust buttons, and finally for now, black is used for extreme pressure areas like constant velocity joints and heavy sliding loads.

I thought you were just going to say, and black, don't touch this ever. Don't, leave it. Leave it. Black's for dance. Yeah, dads only. Dance stuff only. Did you see, by the way, changing the subject, but only ever so slightly? You see that Jimmy Cricket died today?

I thought he was hardly dead. Yeah, I did. Fuck off. Do you know what? I got double whammy. I'm not with Ken Dodd. Well, maybe. But I got double whammed because I saw that Jimmy Cricket died. Yeah. And I was like, he's definitely already dead. And then I saw Roy Walker talking about it.

And I thought, he's also dead. What about, didn't Rod Liddle die? He did. He died the other day as well. Yeah. There's a lot of them piling in this summer. I don't know what's going on. I'd be old age, mate.

Look after your Rod Liddles and your Jimmy Crickets. I found it particularly nauseating, seeing all these people painting. tribute to Rod Little, who apparently used to be some kind of decent journalist and producer back in the day, started out on Radio 4, today, program, all that kind of stuff. The man was a shit stain. Let's be absolutely clear. Like, he was a dreadful, dreadful commentator and broadcaster. And I don't think the fact that, look, I understand if someone dies, don't say anything.

It sure's going out in it. Look, tomorrow's chip paper, it's fine. This one goes out on Monday. I am broadly sympathetic to, and I would like to. subscribe more than I do personally to the idea that if someone's died and you've got nothing to say, don't say anything, right? If you can't say anything nice, fine. The man's died.

He's got a family. I understand that. But the nauseating level in which loads of people in our industry have come out saying, oh, what an acerbic wit. What an amazing character. He would go to the places other people wouldn't go. He would say horrible things about marginalised vulnerable people for money because he was a That's it. That's it. He might have used to have been good. Great. Good for him. He wasn't good when he died.

I don't know who wrote the gag, but as they said about someone quite recently, I feel sorry for their family, but then I felt sorry for the family before they died. It is a lovely guy. Listen, take it back to Jimmy Cricket. He never did any blue stuff. Did he not? He wouldn't even do any blue stuff. His thing was like his wellies, that was his big thing. Wellies. It was old-fashioned stuff. It was a bit of Irish gags here and there because he was Irish. He was Irish, wasn't it?

Yeah. He got out. He was like that one. He wasn't like a dog. A couple of catchphrases. Yeah. He'd do, there's more, there's more, wouldn't he? There's more.

There's more. Yeah. And he refused to do any blue. I only did clean stuff. He wouldn't even do blue for the dads in like a later gig later on. He wouldn't even go to a holiday camp, do a family set, wait for the kids go to bed and do some blue for the dads. He would just do clean stuff.

stuff. Let's have a look. Jimmy Cricket jokes. What's his one liners? I bet he had some good uns. I told the doctor I wasn't well and he told me to have a jump on a trampoline. I said, will I help? He said, oh, you'll soon bounce back.

Yeah, that's poor. That is poor stuff. Back in the day, you know, I don't know if Jimmy Cricket was part of this, but back in the day, you know, the working men's clubs comedians, they'd basically all have the same material, right? They'd have a big pool, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just dish it out and, you know, a bit of one. would do it and people were doing it in slightly different ways and it wasn't really till much

later on that people started writing their own stuff right yeah yeah the um i went to this is good one i went to the solicitors and i said i want to make a will he said fine leave it to me i said but i hardly know you that's nice that's a good joke that's a good nothing i see i've got a dirty joke oh there's no way he didn't do any blue he was famous for him i found a dirty joke that he did he was famous for only being doing clean stuff right okay yeah um the electricity bill he said I used to be afraid of the dark. Yesterday I got my electricity bill. Now my fucking, fucking fuck, fuck tits.

Yeah, you made that up, haven't you? Yeah, exactly. Jimmy, who, by the way... Jimmy cricket, who died this week. The age of 80, surrounded by... The age of 80. Another one! I bet he spent a lot...

We spoke about this list on the last show, didn't it? Like, he... I bet he spent a lot of time in working men's club smoking cigarettes and stuff. James Joseph Mulgrew. What I loved about the tribute that Roy Walker gave to him, who is very much still alive and at large at the time of recording, he called him a sincere wee fella. Right, yeah, sincere we fella.

That's a bit rude, isn't it? I think he meant it in it affectionately. Oh, he's always reading out letters from his mammy, wasn't he? Yeah, that sounds right. We should ask Nicky about it. We've got an Irish colleague in the office last go about it in a minute. He was Northern Irish. He was not over the Irish, yeah, yeah.

But I think, I mean, I don't know what he considered himself to be, But I think, Marcus, if you're listening, under the terms of the Good Friday Agreement since 1997, slash eight, anyone born Northern Ireland can take either nationality. Not sure about Jimmy Cricket, maybe he thought of us as British, maybe he thought was otherwise, I don't know.

All I do know is, he's passed away, so he's survived by his spouse, May, and four children. So let's have a bit of respect. He got given a purple knighthood for his charity work by Pope Francis. So I would say then that he probably considered himself Irish. Peter, he also, do you want to know the most... I say, I say, yeah, it's Celtic going for Nick Pop.

I saw that. Come on. I'll sell some shirts. Do you know where Jimmy Cricket did his last summer special? Oh, was it Dubai? 2006? It wasn't Dubai. Oh, I don't know.

Was it Riyadh? Is it the Riyadh Comedy Festival? It was at the Burge Kaleefer. That wasn't it. He sold out the Burge Kaleef. No. It was, Peter, Clacton on sea. Lovely.

Now... Right near where you're from, that. That's right near where I am. You and your man, Nigel. Me and my man, Nigel. Big Nigel. But looks like Binfaces isn't going to do it after all. What's happened with Binface?

I don't know about this. I think they had a pretty decent Paul going, and he was getting to about 30%, I think, Binface. So what's the latest then? Is he just going to be Farage unopposed? Sounds like Farage's... The investigation can continue. It's backfireden, hasn't it?

He'll be annoyed about that. And that's exactly against what he wanted. Yeah. So apparently, I've just looked up here, Peter. I like that he got, I like that very much he enjoyed, he was very annoyed because he wasn't invited to a, I remember what it was. He was just very annoyed that he wasn't invited to something

that only sitting MPs would have been invited to. He's like, you're not an MP, you just resign, you dickhead. Apparently he's in latest polling, he's polling, he's polling 69% to Bim faces 31. That's a landslide, that. Nice. I think, I mean, I'm entirely against Nigel Farage and everything he stands for, but I do also think Binface is tedious.

I just think you're letting everyone down. It's a writer from the thick of it. It's safe satire. You caught the thick of it all the time. Yeah, but it's just safe satire for centrist dads. And I am a centrist dad, but I want to be entertained by something a bit more than that. Right. What do you need?

What do you need? You want Stuart Lee, don't you? Chris Morris. That's what you're... I want Chris. I want Chris Morris, like, smearing himself in, like, muffled. I've not seen Chris Morris do anything in, like, 15 years. And whatever he does now will be bad, because old men do bad stuff.

We've experienced that. We're getting worse and worse. We started bad. But because we're on every week, nobody notices the drop-off. So did you not see Chris Morris is, um, every three years? So did you like four lions? Yes. That was 2010.

This is long time. Do you like, did you like the day shall come in 2019? I watched it. It wasn't amazing, was it? I haven't seen it. He also directed and appeared in Veep. Okay, but it's a direction though, isn't it? Anyone can do that?

Point the camera at something. Yeah. Take all the money. Lovely old job. He's also Peter Baxendale Thomas from Alan Partridge, isn't he? Do you know what keeps... Again, that's... Class.

Again, that was probably before. It's brilliant. It's brilliant. I don't know why the YouTube premium algorithm keeps serving me. know when the Twilight is on the movie where those two children and a man got killed by a helicopter blade? Yeah, that's right, yeah. Didn't we talk about it on here? It keeps on serving me the unedited video of people getting decapitated by fucking helicopters. Why does the algorithm think that's me? I can't give you a few reasons. And I can't click, the thing is, I can't click on anything on

YouTube because then it suddenly decides that all I'm going to be watching is that. Maybe you shouldn't have spent quite a large part of our formative years together, making me watch movies from that fucking website that name escapes me. And when I complained, saying, we're all just meat puppets, we're all just meat. Enjoy theogorish.com. Enjoy bud Dwyer taking the back of his head off with a gun. Yeah, but now I'm worried about my own mortality. I can't watch that stuff anymore.

But it's Aldi and me heads. It's hardy in my head. You've been contributing to your own algorithms since about 1987. That's what. me on brain algorithms. Exactly, that's why. I can't remember anything I did last week, but oh, I can remember Bud Dwyer

telling everyone to stand back while he blows his own in. Yeah, and you also used to put Marcus' face on pornos, all that kind of stuff. I've made your bed, boy. That was absolutely bang. It was good.

You've made your bed, though, boy. You can have to line it now, I'm afraid. However many times. Speaking of the future, you know, you know what I said to you about, I never can never really tell whether those videos of those

Chinese robots or AI or real robots. Have you seen that recent one, that all-terrain robot that can go down mountains and stuff? Oh, yeah. Yeah, I think that's real, but I mean, it's kind of, it's a big, I know they've sort of made it look like a dog, but it seems very chaotic. Do you know what I mean? It feels like, yeah, you can get up and down the mountain, but you've, at some point

you're going to reach the, you know, stranded, half-dead mountain climber that, you know, you needs your help. And what you've done there is you've not thought of the inertia as you smash yourself down that mountain and you've clattered him in the head. Now he's double dead. Yeah, how's it just seems like they move, they move too quickly. How's it also going to rescue anyone with that kind of set up? That kind of behaviour. I don't know, yeah. It doesn't look like you could drag anything. I mean, maybe could administer the, what was that drug we're talking about that they give heroin overdoses in America? We're talking about it before the ramble yesterday. Naxalone. That's it. Yeah. Fascinated by that.

How does it work? I think it just gives the heart a sharp shock and stops the heroin from doing any more damage. Apparently, it's amazing stuff. It identifies the individual opioid receptors in the brain and blocks the effects and then restores normal breathing. What an amazing thing. Give me that second part.

What do I have to do? I have to do? I've got some fucking heroin to get some help with my asthma, please. Crown out there works within two minutes. Yeah. That's amazing watching people come back. There was that God, was it a...

Nalixone, not Naxalone, sorry. Nalekson. There was that New York... It was the New York Mets or something won for the first time ever, I think? Some fucking NFL or fucking baseball team won. Some wanky American sports team won for the first time in ages. And the... The Knicks...

The Knicks? Basketball. The Knicks? Basketball. Yeah, the Knicks. And a lad had climbed on. on top of what looked like a bus shelter sort of thing, and he'd overdosed on the bus shelter, and the police were being thick as mince as he invariably are in situations like that, and they couldn't, they couldn't or wouldn't climb on,

and a woman who's a nurse, I don't know how she got the drug in question, but she climbed, she was just fucking legend, just climbed on top of this bus thing, smashed him in the heart or whatever, wherever you fire that thing in. And he, yeah, he woke up in like two seconds. The bloke did try and kiss that, which I thought was just like.

What the hell? It was a bit like, oh, that was an amazing story until the guy who walked up and started to come. You got the wrong end of the stick. You got the wrong of the stick. He just started breathing again. What I also think in that situation is that you take a big pair of balls to go and do that to someone when they're dying. Massively. Because I'd be so paranoid, I'd be making it worse.

Oh, yeah, definitely. I'd accidentally get it in his eye or something. Oh, Donaldson. You stabbed him in the eye with the naraxalone. The one thing about CPR, which obviously people should learn and it's important, obviously. but like the one thing that put me off when I was a kid and I learned it is it like oh don't ever do the heart compressions if you think someone if you're not sure their heart stopped

because you might fuck them up right they're like well don't tell me that that's making me not want to do it I reckon the heart can take a couple of a couple of pushes before it yeah yeah you're right and I think that because I had to do we had to do like a lot of sort of child CPR stuff for

the adoption and stuff it's part of the training and I can't remember You got to re-up it, mate. I got to re-up it again. I can't remember... I can't remember... Because you're not...

Because the... Because you remember... Who's the fellow who did the... The Heimlet guy... Yeah. ...who died not that long ago. Apparently the He was not the thing that you should do anymore.

It's short, sharp shocks in the back, like bang, bang, bang, in the back. That's what you're supposed to do now. Apparently that... That's not the best way to do it. And so, like, I do feel like you... Even if you know it, or you knew it when you were, like, 18, you do need to update it because...

So Henry Heimelel... had his legacy taken away from him. Pretty much, yeah. He had it good while he was alive, though, and I think he died knowing that it might... Ten years ago, he died, apparently. Yeah, so he died before anybody went, hang on.

It's a bit like Pluto being... This guy just wants to hug people, the purve. Yeah, I don't think that's what... This guy wants to give up... I don't think that's what was happening. I don't think he was a very noble man. He was a medically... The medical humpus.

The medical humpus. He was a thoracic surgeon and died at the ripold age of a... 96 years old. See? He looked after himself. He wasn't in the working men's clubs, does he? He probably hymigmed himself a few times to get to that age. He probably kept himself nice and young, humping away.

His dad was a famous American ballroom dancer who also lived to the age of 95. Nepo baby. Fuck him. Fuck him. All right, take us out of it, Peter. Let's take it out of here. Yeah, what was that about?

Look at Pete Shaw. We'll be back on, we'll be back on Thursday. Send your messages for crying out loud. Yeah, we'd love to hear from you. Hello at Lukepeachshort.com is the way to do that. We've got some batteries in the battery daddy to be dispatched, so look out for that. And we'll see you soon.

Goodbye, fare thee well. See ya. The Luke and Pete Show is a stack production and part of the Acast Creator Network.